Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Man: Hi there.
Table for two please.
And, uh, some place private, we, um, - we just got engaged.
- [both laugh.]
That's nice.
Do you have reservations? - No.
- Well, you should 'cause one of five first marriages they end in divorce.
Right this way.
- This is my third marriage so.
- Man: Wait, what? Me and my friends will spike the punch, Runnin' in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds, its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh [Dramatic Music.]
Oh, my God.
[Banging.]
[Ominous Music.]
This is a good haul sisters.
You should be proud of yourselves.
Vulvus Superiorosa will be pleased.
In her name.
Guys Hi, uh, hello.
I was wondering if, um, beedeedeebutboo, do you ever, um, - just do you miss men? - [Spits.]
Do not speak of the oppressor.
We rid ourselves of their tyranny many moon cycles ago.
Janice: Yes we did.
Yes we did and that uprising was so good, so great, thumbs up.
You know, don't get me wrong, I love that.
I feel so amazing and I feel so free but don't you ever just when you think about it, you miss them tiny, do you miss them a little bit, just miss them a little little bit? Janice.
Janice: Not all the time, just back up there.
Not all of them, some were terrible.
Holy moly were they they were bad to us but do you ever just like miss the uh, oh, the warmth of a man's body ever? The new order gives us everything we desire, for our sexual needs, we have the machine.
[Rumbling.]
It fulfills on a very basic level.
Janice: I-I can't lie to you ladies.
I can't lie to ya, I don't lie in my bunker and yearn for the feel of an oversized sweater.
Did you, uh, did you want to borrow a sweater? - No, no I'm not - No? - I'm not saying that.
- Okay, no.
I'm not talking about the sweater.
I just want Okay, um, here it is.
Let me break it down for you That before the uprising I was sort of I was seeing someone and I kinda, I miss them a little bit, tiny, sort of, barely.
He's probably burned up with the other ones.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I too sometimes wonder about Tim.
Tim? We were I don't know we were hanging out at seemed like it might be going somewhere.
I hid him.
You hit him? - I hid him - Oh, sorry.
- in a cave by the mines.
- What? Okay that's no fair.
That's no fair! Michael's, like, for sure dead.
Well I haven't been able to check on Tim in a couple of moons.
I left him with some water and a nutritional gel but I'm going to have to go get him.
- Do you think Vulva Superiosa - Everyone: In her name.
In her name.
Do you think she would agree to reintegrate just one man? He's very meek? Well you know what, uh, everyone if-if she is willing to do that, um, I've got something to say.
I, uh, I hid one too.
Oh come on! But listen, honestly, the uprising, you know, just happened a little bit too quickly for my taste.
I just wish we'd taken just a little more time, you know, to think it out, you know.
I'm going to go get Tim.
You know what? I'm pretty sure there could be some survivors out there and I'm-I bet-I bet there's some single ones so I'm going to shed this shit.
Mama gonna go get some dick.
You know what, I, uh, I put mine in the old quarry so I'm just going to go find Dale, okay? Fine, you're all ruining the apocalypse.
I hope you're happy.
Well, machine.
I guess it's just you and me.
[Rumbling.]
Oh, I've angered it! I've angered it! Easy.
I know you don't like kissing, we found that out the hard way.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you find everything you're looking for? - Yes that's it for me, thank you.
- Great.
I'm sorry, we have to ask can I see some I.
D.
? I.
D.
? God of course, gosh its - its been ages since anyone's asked.
- Sorry we have to ask.
I know you're just doing your job.
Yeah, before we apply the seniors discount we have to ask 'cause oldies are sneaky.
Excuse me? Oh, we often get people in their 50s being really sneaky and trying to get the seniors discount.
- So we have to ask.
- I'm, uh I'm 39.
Oh my god! Oh my bad.
Sorry, you must have lived lived a life.
Mmm, you know, its, its all just a - life's a journey, right? - Yeah.
You can see the journey.
Mmm, mhm.
It's like you know when they find people in the Alps after, like, plane crashes and they've just been surviving in the elements.
- Yeah, I've never been in a plane crash.
- Like haunted.
Yeah, no hauntings.
- Been to the Sahara? You've been trek - No, no.
- I don't know, that's just weird.
- I'll just take that.
You know - You know, just enjoying life, you know.
- That's weird.
This is what you do when you get to be my age.
[Sucking Noises.]
It's great.
It's what you do.
Get some rest! Hi.
Can I see some I.
D.
? Tour Guide: It's hard to believe in today's modern society but in the past menstruating women were segregated from the rest of society.
Forced to leave their families and gather with other women on their menses in a red tent with nothing to do but fade and bleed onto the moss.
- Wow.
- I know.
- Ah, that sounds amazing.
- Right? Ugh.
I'm not even wearing did you wear underwear today? - Yeah red ones.
- Oh you're so professional.
Do you want a tampon? What's wrong with you? [Whistling.]
Woman #1: Now remember, Kim and David just split up last week and it was really messy so don't bring it up.
I'm not going to bring it up.
You've told me this like three times.
- I've got it.
- Okay, okay, I just I'm sorry it's just it's really important.
- I really want to work with Kim.
- Babe, smooth like butter, you don't have to worry.
Woman #1: Kim! - Well hello, good to see you.
- Good to see you.
How you doing darling? - I'm good thanks.
- Are you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Great.
Great.
- Oh, this is my partner Ellen.
- Oh, hi Ellen.
Hi, so nice to see you again.
Kim: Yeah, yeah we have, we've met before.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes, of course.
- How's your husb - How's my what? I'm sorry I just missed that.
Sorry I've just got something in my throat.
[Coughs.]
Everything okay? - Do we need to get her a glass of water? - Yeah, maybe are you okay? - Are you all right? Okay.
- Ellen: I'm good.
I'm wow, hows How is your lalalalala One minute when I'm thinking about what I'm going to ask you - She's funny.
- She's hilarious.
She's really funny.
I want to know how you, oh Oh yeah, how's your Oh, I know.
How [Squirt.]
- What - What? [Whispering.]
the fuck? Babe that one's not on me.
That one's so not on me 'cause you were like and I'm like That's on you.
You can't be standing there going Everybody knows it's not me.
and expect me to act.
Listen, I have an idea.
Before talking about who broke up with who, like I give a shit, why don't you say something like, "don't slice someone's throat at a party.
" I thought it was understood.
I thought it was understood.
- Pardon me for not understanding - Nothing is clear.
that you are going to leap - to the most violent - I think we're fighting right now.
Woman #1: Oh we are fighting.
- Lets go over there.
- Lets go over there.
Is this part of the art or? Hm.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Well, as fun as it's been I think I am going to get out early and just get a head start on traffic for the long weekend.
Oh great.
Are you going to the cottage for the long weekend? - Yes.
- Oh good.
Nice.
I'm so excited I can't wait.
Just dive in the lake and, uh, ah, troubles go away.
What are you, uh, what are you up to for the weekend? Uh, yeah, I don't have any plans.
Oh, I'm sorry I don't understand.
What bit don't you? Just the part about - I don't have plans.
- Oh, God.
Free as a bird me.
Woman #1: Oh goodness you, I'm so sorry.
Well, okay, well, try to have, um, fun or have a good weekend with whatever you're not doing.
Woman #2: Okay.
- Do your best.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Woman #3: Hey.
- Hi.
I'm sorry I don't mean to pry but, did I just hear you say you don't have plans for the weekend? That is right I don't have plans.
- Geez, is everything okay? - Uh, yeah.
Woman #1: I'm so sorry, I just can't over the fact that you don't have plans for the long weekend.
Okay.
Is everything okay at home? Is-is someone sick in your family? No, nobody's ill I just don't have plans.
Woman #3: Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, I've just had a brain wave.
- I think I can pull some strings - Mm-hm.
and I can get you on a Segway tour of old warehouses on Saturday.
I just, I don't know [Funny Voice.]
if that's really my thing.
It's not something I Just trying to help you but Come on, take the tour Shan.
- Woman #2: Okay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Shannon I Listen I heard Okay, this is so awkward.
I heard you have no plans for the long weekend.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I-I texted her when I was over there.
I just - You texted her? - A couple of seconds ago.
No, no, you were right to tell me.
Do you have a work project or? No I don't have a work project.
I don't.
Dammit Shannon, I'm trying to help you.
- Work with me here.
- Sorry.
[Phone Ringing.]
Yes? Yes, sir.
Yes I'm talking to her now.
Okay, okay, just say that you're having 'me time'.
Okay but I'm not having me time that's not Woman #1: It's brilliant.
- What? - It's brilliant.
Say it's me time.
I'm not having, I just don't have a plan.
Oh Jesus.
We're trying to help you here.
You gotta help yourself Shan.
It's Shannon.
- My name is fucking Shannon.
- Shan - Okay Shannon, I'm sorry.
- Geez.
Okay, okay.
I was just talking to head office and they need to know your plans for the weekend.
Oh, um, I think that Shannon mentioned that she's going to have some "me time", isn't that right? No actually I'm not going to take "me time", I have no plans this weekend at all and I was actually hoping that maybe one of you would invite me out for the long weekend.
- Oh, okay.
- [Overlapping Kind Regards.]
- Okay, you guys have a great time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See you on Tuesday.
- What? No you - Happy long weekend everybody! Go with you to your cottage You could take me there We could be friends [Dance Music.]
Ladies, canapé? Oh God, no, no, no.
I haven't had white flour in, like, five years.
Yeah, I don't touch it, I haven't had white sugar since 1986.
You guys are so smart 'cause that stuff is toxic.
Uh huh.
[Snorting.]
No really, sugar's poison.
Oh, my God.
At this point a carrot is like a donut to me.
My body's a temple! - Hey, man.
- What? - Check it out.
- What? That girl is smoking.
Right dude.
It's like damn, - 'cause she's smoking.
- Okay.
She is.
You know what? - I'm going to go over there, man.
- Yeah? Yeah, I'm going to go over.
I'm gonna open up a line of communication, you know? Excuse me, ma'am.
Hey.
You can't smoke on a patio unless you've given at least, like, ten feet.
You ever hear of lung cancer? 'Cause we got lungs too.
I'm just saying it's a bit rude.
Yeah.
It's, like, the city ordinances are real clear, ma'am.
- Yeah.
- Ah, sorry.
No problem.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- You have yourself a nice day.
- Thank you.
You're all okay to enjoy your coffees now? Alright, thanks ma'am.
Thank you.
It's nice, you know, Donnie looking out for others.
- Donnie: Yeah.
- You're like a thoughtful shit.
Yeah it's good, you want a bite of my sandwich? No.
You want a bite of my banana? - I sure do.
- What? [Suspenseful Music.]
It's been 26 hours of this.
Where's the midwife? I called her.
Ah, I don't know.
- What about the doula? - They're on their way.
We got here as fast as we could.
It was horrible traffic and we're sorry, and we're here.
Okay, you check the temperature of the birthing pool, I'll check her dilation.
- Here we go.
- It's going to be good.
- You're doing great, okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
[Burp.]
Oh, apologies a little gassy.
- Nice place.
- Um, who's that? Yeah, that's the Deb.
She's part of the birthing team.
Yay! I never agreed to that.
I don't know her.
I don't want a stranger in our house.
I'm sorry, the birthing package said a-a midwife, doula and a Deb, and it just, it sounded like value.
Doula: It is.
It is.
What is a Deb? Just a person named Deb, that's me.
I'm just here to help.
First question though, where do you keep the corn chips, - I'm a bit hungry? - What the fu Midwife: Okay, you know what.
You're just going to keep breathing with me, Denise.
Okay, here we go.
Hehehehoo.
Hehehehoo.
Baby's in distress.
She needs to come out and the dilation is too small.
Deb: Found them, sorry, yeah, just got, oh Fuck! Shit.
I'm sorry.
It was my bad.
I take full responsibility for my butter fingers.
- Clean that up! - Deb: Okay.
Good work, Deb.
She's at ten centimeters.
Okay Denise, we're gonna start pushing.
Here we go, here we go, one big push.
Deb: Sorry to interrupt.
I'm just going to put General Hospital on real low over here, okay.
I'm just going to watch my soaps just for a bit.
I don't want to watch that! Baby's crowning.
Doula: Okay, just one big push! Deb: You know what? I'm sorry again, just going to rinse my fingers in the water, got a little sticky from the corn chips, okay? Oh, go away! - And the baby's head is out.
- Okay, okay! Stay with me! - You just stay with me, remember.
- I'm so tired, I can't.
- You can.
- I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Deb do something.
[Laughs.]
Look like someone did a little poop in the water, eh? [Chuckles.]
Someone's going to have to clean that up and I guess it's you, brother.
Get out! [Gasp.]
Midwife: You did it.
The baby's here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, look at you.
Hi.
Oh you're so beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thanks, honey.
Aren't you forgetting someone? [Wistful Music.]
Thanks, Deb.
I'm going to name you Debra.
It's a boy.
It doesn't matter.
Midwife: Okay, so we take Visa, MasterCard, Amex and debit.
I'm sorry, could you just get the placenta for me, - its kinda stuck.
- Oh, yeah sure.
That's the poop, that's the poop, that's the poop, that's the poop.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I see.
Alright, thanks love.
Oh, what's happened? Travis Jones got out of jail.
The one that violated your Nan? I'll put kettle on.
Did you hear? Oh what's happened? Sorry Cafe, looks like the Adversay strangler got another one.
All evidence points to your ex-husband.
- Bloody hell.
- Ooh it was.
The killer interfered with the body, mangled it, then interfered with it again.
I'll put kettle on.
Boss.
Oh what's happened now then? It's the new girl, the one that you saw yourself in.
What about her? She's been horribly murdered, she was crushed like an old biscuit tin.
Killer left a note, said it wouldn't have happened if you weren't such a stroppy bitch.
Bastard! Kettle? Yeah.
Duh.
All the days have been revoked 'til further notice.
Why? What's happened now? I'd say strangler, turns out it's Detective Parsons all along.
What, the mardy bugger with the mucky hands? Same.
Dammit, I had a feeling about him.
Which is why I'm making you head of this investigation.
[Sighs.]
Kettle? And a fag.
- Anything else? - Yeah.
Could I have one day, just one that isn't complete shit, just once when I say 'what's happened?', I'd like you to say "nothing, nothing's happened".
Let's try it.
What's happened? - Nothing.
- Not's happened.
Oh that feels strange.
I'd rather say something's happened even if nothing's happened.
- Do you mind? - No.
Go ahead.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
All I'm saying, is I'd like to drink one of these cups of tea that will be lovely.
Never going to happen.
I could put kettle on.
Yeah.
[Chuckling.]
[Disco Music.]
Oh.
[Applauding.]
[Dramatic Music.]
[Fake Laughter.]
[Dramatic Music.]
So dirty little dice.
Oh yeah, on no, nothing.
[Fake Elephant Trumpet.]
Oh.
[Applauding.]
[Chanting.]
Heavenly Father, we ask you to bless these dice.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
[Batabababababa.]
[Climactic Music.]
[West Side Story Music Parody.]
Okay ladies, place your bets.
[Lounge Music.]
Wait.
There we go.
All in.
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
Wait, wait, wait.
[Groans.]
[Applauding.]
All in.
Respect.
No more bets.
Fair enough.