Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

Don't Call Me Ma'am

1 Doctor: Clear it out! Tina I need you to stay with me.
Can you hear me? Talk to me.
Okay, patient is hyperglycemic.
We have a blood pressure 85 over 50.
Doctor: Tina, Tina can you hear me? Okay, get her on twenty CC's of glucagon and start a drip.
Okay, blood pressure is erratic, we have to move, we have to move.
Doctor: Get her in an oxygen mask or she's gonna slip in a coma.
Oh, hi.
I'm, um, I'm Barb.
I'm a friend of Tina's.
Ma'am you're going to have to get out of here.
No unauthorized personnel in this area.
Oh, uh, no, no, no, no.
Just, uh, Tina and I have a pact that if she ever falls into a coma I'm the friend who's supposed to tweeze her chin hairs.
Oh, okay come on in.
Barb: Thanks.
Hi, Tiners.
Oh yeah, there's one that's growing already, There we go.
Get your hair here, oh.
Oh, there we go.
Long pirate one there.
They grow fast, eh? It runs in her family.
Arrrrr! ["Dancing Underwater" Brave Shores.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Runnin' in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh Ever have that sense where you're like, 'I'm going to be the best mom in the whole world?' You know, when you're like, ugh, and I don't know.
I just never expected it to feel so what's the word? What's the-powerful.
Like this powerful.
Powerful, yeah.
I know.
- You never knew.
- I never knew.
That's really, how could you not know? Have you never watched a Lifetime movie? Oh I-I I have.
Haven't you ever, like, read a Mother's Day card about, like, how there's no love like a mother's love.
It's like amazing or I don't know the Facebook status of, like, every one of our friend's who's had a baby recently, right? It's like, 'whoa my love I never knew, this is so wow, it's crazy love'.
I just you know, when you're, like-like, ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhh! Oh my god, I'm overwhelmed by this new love and like, you know, that's in every movie with a birth scene.
Literally right, like You know.
I don't know I just thought you would have, like, read 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' and you would have expected this feeling, right, like [Exhales.]
No? Crazy.
Should we maybe, um, open some presents? Wow, she's so adorable guys.
She's, like, so cute.
She's literally the most adorable baby I've ever seen.
- Adorable.
- You're such a natural.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Woman 1: Oh wow.
- Woman 2: Oh wow.
- Oh wow.
- Oh wow.
- Oh wow, What a timeless beauty.
Mmm, she's beautiful.
Just classic look, classic.
Woman 1: Yeah, it really speaks to a, you know, a simpler time.
Woman 2: Mmm, yeah.
- Woman 1: Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Nostalgic Music.]
Husband: Honey, how much longer until dinner? I'm starving.
Can I get this bowl of nuts freshened up? [Phone Buzzing.]
Ugh, 47 emails.
Oh my god.
[Uptempo Lively Music.]
Oh! So delicious.
Crush! [Lively Music.]
Automated Announcer: Arriving at Don Mills.
Don Mills station.
Oh, this way.
Soya sauce, check.
Tomatoes, check.
Ooh, that seems like a lot.
I guess you know best Martha.
Cup of capers, wow.
[Upbeat Instrumental.]
Goodnight, wooh! You are not my husband! This is not my house.
I am-I'm so sorry.
I'm so oh shit! Shit, shit, shit, I'm sorry.
I really just, I couldn't.
Shit! Okay.
Hello everybody.
We have a lot to cover today so let's get started.
Oh, ah, quick question.
Will we be working through lunch? Well if we get going now we won't have to.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, so looking at the first quarterly review.
Oh sorry, quick question.
Yeah, is the first quarter in the spring? - Yes.
- Okay, 'cause it changes sometimes from country to country.
Yes, okay.
Taking a look at this quarterly review you can see that Quick question, um, sorry to interrupt, did anybody see Orphan Black? Is anyone watching that show? 'Cause, like, what is it about? Like, are they twins? Is that what it is? Is it just a bunch of twins that all look the same? - Tina? - Yeah? Can we just focus here so we can get this done before lunch? I'm sorry, I am all ears.
- Great.
- I'm all ears.
Speaking of ears.
Has anyone seen that picture of the rat that has the ears on its back? Like it is literally all ears.
- Can we move on? - Yes.
So January, February, March.
Sorry quick question, I notice it says April, May and June, do we know why those months are always used for girl's names but, like, July, August, and September aren't? What do people think about home perms? Good idea? Bad idea? Is it just me or is Captain Crunch enjoying a renaissance? Do you think Beyoncé is mean to the other members of Destiny's Child? Does anyone know the definition of performativity? Can you be a cat person living in a dog's person body? Or, like, a cat person living a dog person's life? Where did this guy go? Does anyone remember this guy? Why would anyone put a feather in their cap and call it macaroni? Would you guys agree that all Peters have a tragic flaw? When you look at me do you see a nice person or someone who's inherently evil? Do these glasses make me look smart or do they make me look cool? Is this my cup or is this yours? Is this mine? When he comes around the mountain, why is he wearing pink pajamas when he comes? Quick question, would anyone here agree that dog people have more tattoos than cat people? Who here is like really groovin' out on Hall & Oates? Tell me if this joke is racist or funny? What does my accent sound like to you? What's the difference between porridge and oatmeal? Quick question, does anyone know my friend Tracy Harrity? Did anyone here go to private school? Do I like the smell of tuna fish? I don't know maybe I do, maybe I don't.
If I were a whale, like, would I be a killer whale or would I just be, like, a really nice whale? How many times can you count to ten before you get really bored? Is it possible that the zodiac killer is actually the lead singer of Smash Mouth? Where did everyone go? Why am I still here? Why aren't I at home? Where do I live? Quick question, am I alone in the universe or just in this building? Hello? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [Drum Beats.]
[Rock Music.]
Sorry about that.
- Sorry about that.
- Move it along.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
I'm Veronica, you must be Betty, the new girl.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, hey, has anyone, uh, given you the old office tour? Ah, yeah, Donna, she showed me the lunch room.
No not that tour, the real tour.
Betty: Um, no-no.
Okay, come with me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is Dave, he's worked here forever.
No one knows what he does.
The man's a legend.
Betty: Okay.
Genie, who talks about her kids too much.
Jayden got another goal in soccer.
Want to come watch the video of it? Veronica: Nope, we don't.
Oh it's really good.
This is the meditation room, never go in here.
Ted from accountanting comes here to fart and let me tell you, the smell, namaste.
Pervert Jane.
Ooh the boss! The boss's weird hairy mole that you cannot stop staring at.
Oh my god, there's a lot of hair on that.
- Right.
- Wow.
And this is the supply closet that Claire turned into an office when she got her promotion.
Hi Claire.
I've been calling it my cloffice so it's a fun pun.
Bye Claire.
Claire: Please come back.
Andy the cat gal.
What? The vending machine that gives too much change.
Oh lovely.
Mhm, mhm.
Beth with the low self-esteem.
I tried a deconstructed braid, oh.
Veronica: The place where Karen died.
Too soon Karen, too soon.
Okay, so, the uh, regular washroom is down the hall there.
The secret washroom for poops and hangovers is on the 17th floor, if you get lost, just follow the spider plant it leads back to Nancy.
Hi, Nancy.
Betty: Hi, Nancy.
- Ted: Ooh, hey Veronica.
- Hey.
Oh hey, Ted from accounting.
Hi, nice to meet you.
- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you, he seems so nice.
Yeah, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two [Flatulence Sounds.]
Welcome aboard.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay.
You're going to want to hold your breath before you go back through that hallway.
[Deep Inhaling.]
Veronica: Oh my eyes.
Ted, what are you eating? Ugh.
Wow, this is beautiful.
I can't believe it's only 900,000.
This must be the last detached house in the city for under a million.
The house is 3.
2 million, the shed is 900,000.
I cannot believe they paid $900,000 for a shed.
I know, you cannot get a shed for under a million these days.
They are so lucky.
- So lucky - So lucky.
- Hi.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you so much.
Hey, where's the bathroom? Oh, it's the second tree on the left and there's, uh, toilet paper on one of the branches and there's a magazine in the knot hole.
So authentic.
Man: Ah thank you all for coming.
We're going to start dinner very shortly.
We're going to be serving tables one through fifty-six so, ah, grab a drink 'cause we're starting at one.
Oh no.
Okay, well I guess we'll be waiting a while for food.
That's alright we'll just dip into the vino.
No I knew I should have carb loaded at lunch.
I knew it.
Woman 3: Okay ladies, we're just going to dive into the wine, okay.
- Alright.
- To us.
- Woman 3: To us.
- And those who want to be us.
Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
Man: Table four.
This wedding is interesting, I wonder how much that it cost? Well judging from this wine, not very much.
Is that wrong for me to say? - Woman 3: No it's so funny, - it's really funny.
You're witty.
Man: Table ten.
We're starving over here.
I'm gluten intolerant.
Oh sorry hun, I'll take yours.
Man: Table 15.
So, how's it going in sex therapy with Ted? Ah not good.
Oh no, is he withholding again? Yep, three years this September.
Woman 3: Oh my god, you give a minute with me.
I'd turn that beat around.
Men can't resist a bit of the cookie dough.
Would you? Man: Table 19.
- [Dance Music.]
- Ahhhh, Lord.
- Ladies.
- Oh! Ahhhh!!!! Oooh, oooh, oooh.
Go, go, go, go, go, go! [Clinking.]
Oh they're going to kiss now.
That's so romantic.
Yeah I give them two years.
No! I sold them their house, they can't carry the mortgage.
Man: Table 23.
Woman 3: Hey you.
Get on.
Psych! Oh, what? Woman 2: She's not wearing underwear.
That's the closest I've gotten to sex in three years.
Woman 3: That's so pathetic that I can't do it now.
Man: Table 25.
25 what the hell? Woman 3: Are you kidding me? - Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.
- What? I stole this.
Woman 2: Oh my god, you're so smart! I am a genius person.
Man: Table 26.
Everybody's hungry.
Let's keep it civil.
[Cheering and Yelling.]
Man: Table 29! Seriously, guys, I give this marriage two years.
You already said that.
Woman 3: You keep saying the same thing again and again out of your face hole.
Man: We're at table 30.
Man: Table 34, you're up.
You're so pretty.
Woman 2: I am so happy for you.
You know, like, who knew that someone would just fall in love with you? You? Man: Table 36.
Yeah, wop, wop, badabada baby, badabada baby - Man: Ma'am, ma'am.
- Yes? Ma'am, this is not yours.
You stop it, stop it.
You sit.
Oh, you don't even know what is happening.
- Give it to me.
- You are out of control.
- You just, come here you.
- Please.
Woman 3: Stop it.
Man: 43.
I want a gluten-free pizza, please.
Is that a child at the wedding? Woman 4: Oh no, she just got that disease where you age backwards.
Woman 3: You know that is it's like Brad Pitt in that movie and I'm gonna tell you all something right now.
I'm all up in that.
I'm gonna get my cookie dough and rub it all over the Man: Finally, table 56.
[Pop Music.]
Did somebody at this table order a large pepperoni? No, okay, you know, I'll just just leave this right here.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh This is the third time I've watched this episode of CSI Miami.
I know.
It's so exciting, babaaaa.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you.
You know what this is don't you? Yes, David Caruso is about to get his.
Baaaa, pffftttt, baaaa.
This, this is lesbian bed death.
- This is not lesbian, really? - Yeah.
It's not been that long.
- Yeah it has.
- It's been a week.
- Two weeks.
- More.
How long has it been? A lot? One [Indiscernible Counting.]
Really? Yep.
You know what? It's this, that's it.
Let's do something.
Yeah? Yeah, we're going to do something about it.
- Really? - We're going to get horny babe.
We're going to get we're going to get we're going to get friggin' down and horny right now.
Yeah, we're going to get creative horny.
- Oh I am so happy.
- You ready? I love you.
Okay, let's do it.
I'm going to come back and I'll blow your mind.
I can't wait to be blown.
Kimmy: Okay.
Hey, you.
Look at you.
Kimmy: Hey.
Woman 1: Hi, hello.
I came here to fix your pipes.
- This isn't-this isn't charades.
- Sorry.
Just, you don't guess you just go along with it.
Woman 1: I'm ready.
I'm sorry, Kimmy I'm so sorry.
Just give me another one.
Go go go.
I'm sorry.
I love you, go.
Kimmy: Okay.
Woman 1: Oh yeah, hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'm just here to check your gas gauge.
Woman 1: Really? Yeah it's spinning.
See how it's spinning like that 'cause it's so hot.
It's so hot.
My little man in the boat is sweating.
He's so hot and he stinks.
No? I dropped in the wrong way.
Kimmy: Okay, that's fine.
That's fine.
We're going to go basic.
- I'm doctor, you're a patient.
- Okay.
So I want you to lie down.
Why don't you lay down so I can take care of you.
Kimmy: We need to vacuum.
- Shh, don't say anything.
- Okay, okay, sorry.
Oh I'm so sick doctor.
Your pulse is racing you're really sick? - Yeah I'm really hot.
- You're going to puke? You're going to puke on my boobs? That's really gross.
I know.
Come on get up here, we're not giving up.
Millionaire call girl.
Millionaire call girl.
Oooh, okay.
Okay, go.
I'm Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman with the big teeth.
Oh you're so rich and I'm just I'm just so tired from walking on the streets in my tiny shitty shoes.
So why don't you just lay down in my big bed? I'm going to watch you eat these dirty Doritos from the dirty vending machine.
Oh, the dirty vending machine.
Mmm, are you thirsty? Oh yeah.
[Exaggerated Loud Chomping.]
Our seedy motel room only has one channel.
Oh and it's CSI Miami we've watched it, like, three times.
Oh and this episode always makes be like, ahhhhh.
It makes me go, ahhhhhhhhh.
Was it good for you? It was real good.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
I don't know, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
Just take it easy.
- Okay, so here's the thing.
- Mhm.
I'm turning 40.
Kind of a big milestone birthday and what I'm really looking for is something, you know, I don't know, like, just set me up for the second half of my life.
Tattoo Artist: Alright.
Alright, I think I got something.
- Woman: Really? - Yeah.
- There we go just one more - Okay.
- You alright? - Yeah I'm good.
- Almost done.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Go ahead.
- Check it out.
- Mhm.
What do you think? Oh, it's perfect.
[Disco Music.]
Dance circle! [Cheers.]
I'm kicking my shoes off! [Cheering and Clapping.]
Come on, no I can't.
Woooo! [Clapping.]
Man: Okay, okay.
That's it.
Okay, that's it.
[Applauding and Cheering.]
You're all next! [Cheering and Clapping.]
[Everyone Chanting Mary.]
[Cheering and Clapping.]
[Everyone Chanting Mary.]
[Clapping to Disco Music.]
[Simulating Orgasm.]
Mary: Oh, it's a little baby, ah, ah, oh yeah, wooo, yeah, wooo, yeah.
Hey, Mary.
No, come here.
Where's my son? Where's my boy? Where's my boy? Tommy! Tommy! Where's my son? Where did my boy go? I just threw him in the air, where is he? Did you take him? Where is he? Where's my son? Tell me where's my son? Mary, you don't have a boy.
- Oh you liar! - Okay.
Call 911, somebody please.
Hello? 911, yeah, no, I was dancing with my baby at a party.
Yeah, my baby went missing.
Someone in this dance circle took him.
I just turned away for a second.
Hello? Tommy? Tommy.
Woman: Mary, Mary we found a baby.
Is it your baby? Oh, oh.
This isn't my baby! This isn't my baby! Where's my baby? Tommy! Get out of here! Go! No baby! [Indistinct Chatter.]
[Dance Music.]
I know.
I don't know.
Come on.
Nah I'm I'm done.
I'm done.
That was a bit intense.

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