Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

I Can't Vote

1 Alright Austin Grizzlies gather 'round, take a hand.
Let's get ready.
We gather here before this game - [Patriotic Music.]
- to give praise and thanks.
We know that our wins and losses do not come from us but from a higher power.
We give thanks to the disposal incomes of these girls' parents that allow them to spend hours and hours practicing their passing skills.
- Right? - Yeah! We give thanks to the municipal council that diverted tax incentives to our community - so the arena could be built.
Right? - Yeah! We give thanks to the multinational beer corporation that donated sweet cash so these girls could play hockey with jersey's - with ad space on the back.
Right? - Yeah! We give thanks to the deft hands of the Chinese ladies who toil with no human rights in order to manufacture hockey pucks.
Right? - Yeah! - Alright we're going to go out there and we're going to play hard.
We're going to play good - One, two, three.
- Austin Grizzlies! Get yourself let's get out on the ice! Come on! Good stuff girls.
["Dancing Underwater" - Brave Shores.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater - [Soft Instrumental.]
- I just want you to know that [Sighs.]
This past week has been the most amazing of my life.
Mine too.
God, I didn't know that I could ever feel this way about someone.
But I am honoured to be breathing my last breaths while in your arms.
[Over Loud Speaker.]
Captain: This is your Captain speaking, women and children are asked to proceed to Deck 2.
There are still a few lifeboats remaining on Deck 2.
Uhm, listen John.
I would like to, um, I think I'm going to [whistles.]
- I might go.
- Of course, of course.
We will in time, the water will take us.
But nothing can take the love we have.
I know.
That's nice.
But I kind of meant more like [In Gruff Voice.]
I'm going to go upstairs, boop boop boop.
I'm going to get, boop, on a lifeboat, wheee, okay so.
Lily, darling, you must join us, it's a lady boat party.
Uhm just I'm getting on a little boat.
I'm going - Of course go go go go go go.
- I'm going to go.
Out of here.
Save yourself of course.
Yes yes go.
I'm going to miss you.
And I you.
The waves will part us but my heart will go on.
- Yes good.
- [Beep.]
[On Loud Speaker.]
Captain: This is the last call for women and children only.
- It just sounds so sexist! - What? Can't you hear it? I mean, women and children only.
What do they think, men have magical fins and we can swim and we can't get cold? It's impossible for a woman to swim.
And children are probably the best swimmers on the entire boat.
I-I mean they take lessons and everything.
John, I'm not sure what to tell you 'cause that's not my rule but this is like the first time in my entire life that being a woman has been a positive thing.
Just let me take it.
I'm gonna take that nugget, okay.
Boop and-and I'm gonna go take it.
I'm-I'm going.
Move your legs, - you're on my lace, you're on my lace.
- Alright fine, fine.
I loved what we had.
Woo geez! That's some-that's some chilly beans.
You know what? It just doesn't sound fair.
- I can't vote.
- Yeah whatever.
I'm just saying gender stereotypes hurt us all alright.
I mean women and children only.
There is no basis for that in maritime law.
I am not going to have another conversation with you about maritime law.
Fine go then just get out of here and save yourself.
Fine I will go! I'm going! No wait! Lily please come back! Please come back.
Please just grant me one last request.
- Okay.
- Stay here and die with me.
- Nope.
- Please.
Let's rot together at the bottom of the ocean.
- Pffpph! - Ah you bitch! Argh! Hmmm! Argh! I've read that! [Deep Breathing.]
[Deep Breathing.]
Woman: Can I just skooch in here, please? Oh, of course.
Excuse me - there's no talking in the sauna.
- Oh I know I just was Excuse me could you please not talk in the sauna.
- I was just telling her to not to talk.
- Shh! Hello, sorry, there's, I don't know, there's no talking in the sauna so.
I'm so sorry.
Do you think you could shush it.
Listen, it's not me it was her.
- She was the one that was talking.
- Okay, okay.
Just shh.
Excuse me, could you just take a quick look at that sign.
Yes, some of us are trying to have a quiet moment.
- Did you see the sign? - I saw the sign, yeah.
Woman: I'm going to need you to shush it.
- You shush it.
- Shh! Woman 2: I can hear you shushing.
Shhh! No really.
No really, - shhhh! - Shhhh! Okay everyone, why don't we just stop shushing all together and we'll just- - Shhh! Okay.
Detective: Get from both angles.
And just over here.
Detective 2: Oh God, what is that? Ugh, God.
Detective: I paged you an hour ago.
I'm sorry, you know, Sammy was all colicky - and then Lily lost a shoe and - Okay.
Anyway, - you know what, it's all sorted.
- Alright, what do we got? Male, late 30s.
Contusions around the neck indicate strangulation.
Detective 2: Mm, witnesses? Nope, wife came home and found him this way.
We haven't identified the droplets On his face.
But we're pretty sure it's blood.
Yeah it's blood, ah.
- Go have them swab your tongue.
- Yeah I will.
- And bag it.
And put it, - I'm so sorry.
no don't even, don't even.
No don't even you're moving your tongue.
Okay, just Detective 2: I'm really sorry.
Detective: Guys, can you put her in an evidence bag please.
- Detective 2: Oh sorry.
- Detective: For good.
I got my beach body at CrossFit.
I'm exhausted literally all the time - but it was worth it.
- Oh I got my beach body by cutting out all bread and then all white food and it was totally worth it.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
I got my beach body over by those rocks.
Yeah it's good.
You know what? I really thought I'd feel better about this but, oh, a little smelly.
So we're just going to do an internal exam today.
And take a look at your ovaries.
If you, um, if you break em, you buy em.
- [Clears Throat.]
- Okay.
So sorry this is going to be a little bit cold.
Don't worry, that's how I like it.
I'm so sorry I-I don't even know why I said that.
I-I don't even know what it means liking it cold.
I like it hot! [Chuckles.]
Woo okay, um, - I'm sorry, okay go ahead.
- Okay and now I'm inserting.
What? Don't I get a drink first? [Chuckling.]
Buy a lady a drink, please, martini.
I'm easy, cheap drunk, bar rail is fine.
Sorry I'm-I'm ready.
Are you? Yes.
[Funny Voice.]
Ready for my exam.
- Okay, so just take a deep breath - Okay.
And relax, it's all going to be over in just a minute.
That's what he said.
That's what he said before he before he Oooh.
Ok? Everything okay? Mhm, yeah, everything's fine.
- I just need a deep breath.
- Okay, so getting images now, okay so I'm just going to be passing the wand back and forth to get a good cross section - of the area.
- Okay.
[Deep Breathing.]
Feel like making love Ba bom Ba bom, Ba bom Ba bom, feel like making love Oh, so sorry, that Just a song I heard this morning.
Nothing to do with anything.
Just ear worm, you know how it is, please um [Clears Throat.]
I don't feel like making love.
I feel like fucking.
[Clears Throat.]
Please continue.
Actually we're done.
Well I'm I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry I just get really nervous in these exams and uh It's alright, everybody gets nervous.
No it's-it's like not alright.
I took it to another level and I apologize and I'm sorry.
So - Don't worry, consider it forgotten.
- Okay, thank you.
Okay, so your results should be in next week.
- Any questions? - Ah Was it as good for you as it was for me? [Chuckling.]
I'm sorry.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - I love this one.
- Yeah it's great.
I remember loving it.
I remember loving it.
I still love it, do you guys want to dance? - Oh, no.
- Please, please, please.
- Ah - No, I can't really jam.
- Like a jam.
- It's the first day of my - period I just, you know.
- I'm on it.
I'm on it.
- I don't care, come on guys.
- I'll hi-five you but I'm not [Indiscernible Singing.]
Okay, ow, hey, hey.
Ow ow, okay they're really sensitive right now.
Oh, Jesus.
Come on.
No, no.
- Please.
- [Harlequin - "Innocence".]
Innocence whoooo Innocence whoooo Innocence whoooo Innocence whoooo Oh what a lie baby Don't even try lady - Yeah, there we go.
- Dee Dee Dee.
- Okay want to dance with me? - Oh no no um.
- Do do do do.
- I don't even know.
I don't either.
[Guitar Riff.]
[Guitar Riff.]
Innocence, yes that's all you ever pleaded Innocence, yes that's all you'll ever plead Innocence, yes that's all you'll ever plead Yes, That's all you'll ever plead Yes, That's all you'll ever plead to That's all you'll ever plead Yes, That's all you'll ever plead to That's all you'll ever plead Yes, That's all you'll ever plead to Innocence.
Teller: Enjoy your poverty.
Hi my, um, my wallet got lost or stolen or something on the subway and I, um, I just need to replace my bank card.
Okay, no problem.
I just need your name and your date of birth.
- Oh, yeah, it is ah Abbie Johnston um.
- A-b-b-i-e? Ah b-b-i-e, yeah, ah Johnston with a T, Johnston.
And it's November 2nd, 1975.
'75 hmm? Yeah.
Okay I'll just take a minute to find you in the system.
- Uh, okay.
- Hey girl.
- How you doing? - Shayne.
I, uh, long time, no see.
Haven't seen you since you stormed out of my apartment, said you never wanted to see me again.
That was me wasn't it? Yeah, well that was uh a long time ago.
I uh, I hear you're dating, uh, Becca now? - Yes.
- How is she? Oh, thriving, thriving and how are you? Oh, I'm not thriving in this very moment.
I'm just getting my wallet.
I mean my I.
Oh I'm just waiting for my euros for my trip to Paris.
Oh you, uh, you got a passport? - Yeah.
- Oh.
I was always like get a passport I'd love to travel.
- Shayne: Yep.
- Okay Abbie I've, uh, just got to ask you some verification questions.
How many accounts do you have with us? Oh I have uh two, uh, chequing and a savings.
Okay, and what's the balance in the savings account? The balance in the savings it should be about 1500 dollars uh, but I, um, I made, uh, a transfer to an, uh, equity bond so it might, uh, not reflect that.
It's at 41 cents.
41 cents? - Ah, yeah.
- That's correct.
All my wealth is elsewhere, it's in uh, it's in wheat so it's just the time of year, you know, just waiting for the harvest of the crop.
Teller: Okay Abbie, uh there's some charges on your credit card, there's one for $16.
89 at 3:07 am - where was that charge? - Uh, that was at um [Clears Throat.]
- McDonald's.
- And the charge, for $5.
87 - at 3:42 am? - McDonald's again.
Teller: And the charge for $4.
89 cents? McDonald's, McDonald's and yeah, uh, at 11:30 this morning McDonald's and, uh, just a couple of hours ago McDonald's.
- Great.
- Is this almost over? Are we Teller: Just need to get the password you set up for your telephone banking.
Oh God that was so long ago I Your hint here says, "he's the love of my life".
Um, shh, shla, Shlino.
- I'm sorry I can't hear you.
- Shh, um shli Shayne the name - Sorry? - The name is Shayne.
- Teller: S-h-a-y- - Y, n-e, Shayne with y, yeah.
- Teller: That's correct.
- Teller 2: Hi.
Sorry it took so long.
Here is your, um, five thousand euros.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, and then there's your, uh, fifty thousand dollar money order for your pleasure craft.
Thank you.
I'm also buying a yacht with Becca.
- Becca.
- Thank you very much.
- Teller 2: No, thank you.
- Appreciate it.
Teller: Okay, I'll just go back and get that card.
In the meantime, you just remember you're terrific.
Anything else? Can I have my bank card please now? [Pop Music.]
- Can I get a Bloody Mary please? - Sorry, what was that? - A Bloody Mary.
- Oh, I'm sorry one more time.
- Woman: Bloody Mary.
- Oh Bloody Mary, yeah.
[Creepy Music.]
Hello? What's going on? I don't know she ordered a Bloody Mary like three times and then she totally bailed.
Oh it's so weird, that keeps happening.
I know, well, yeah, but - Woman 3: Good morning.
- Hi.
- What's so funny? - It's just - Okay, I downloaded - Tell her.
Well we both did this sleep talk app and it It records you while you're sleeping.
Anyway, it can hear, like it's activated by sound.
So it could happen - It's crazy, it's crazy.
It's crazy.
- Anyways, it's totally ridiculous.
That's so cool.
Mine would probably be all farts.
Okay, wait wait, do you wanna do you wanna hear mine? - Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! - Oh yeah.
Here it is.
Ready, you have to listen, listen close.
- I love cheese.
- I said I love cheese.
- I love cheese.
- She loves cheese.
You do love cheese.
Woman 2: I do love cheese a lot.
I eat it all the time.
That's so, okay, alright, here's mine, it's like 4 am I think I said this, okay, check it out.
Mmmm seven Meryl Streeps, - mhm.
- Seven? That is so creepy.
Did you just say seven Meryl Streeps? - Seven Meryl Streeps.
- What were you thinking? - Apparently about Meryl Streep.
- You like her but, like, seven times? - I don't know.
- That's a crazy orgy.
That's so strange.
- Anyway, so bizarre.
- Oh, you know what? I am totally going to download this and I'm going to do it tonight and then I'll tell you guys what I got in the morning.
Oh yeah, do it.
Yeah, Sleep Talk app.
Great, great.
Okay see you tomorrow.
- Woman: Bye.
- Woman 2: See ya.
- Let's play ours at the same time.
- Okay, alright.
Oh my God.
Hil, hey did you do the thing last night? Hmm? Oh yes, of course I did.
Take a listen, this is so hilarious.
Hang on.
Creepy Voice: The hour is 2 am I have just awoken in a human body they call Hilary.
The time is nigh.
With the hunger of generations I will dine on the flesh of the living and wear their skins as shells.
I am the original evil, the alpha and the omega.
I have awoken.
Oh my God, that is so hilarious, right.
Oh my gosh.
I think I'm going to make that my new ring tone.
Sure Hil.
Oh wow.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh In conclusion what does humanity need? What new creation could benefit the most people at once? Well.
We fashioned a portable A.
unit that is at once a mode of transportation, it is a water filtration system, a small farm starter kit and a personal security device.
It's made out of 100% recyclable materials to keep down costs.
It's carbon neutral and it knows all current languages and three dead ones.
Thank you.
Very impressive stuff women's team.
Very impressive.
And now let's hear from the men's team.
It's like a Roomba but you can fuck it.
[Cheering & Clapping.]
It's safe.
No, it's safe.
Touch it, it's been tested exhaustively.
Yeah I wouldn't touch I wouldn't touch that part of it, no.
I would touch around the base.
- Around the base.
- Can we fuck this? Does anyone know? Did anyone think to fuck the robot? No? Wonderful.
Women: Happy birthday to you.
Thank you, you guys! This is amazing.
Yeah, well, um, there's something even more amazing.
Um, we actually got you more than just a cake.
- Uh, we know that you love music.
- I do, I love music.
So we found someone who makes up songs.
- On the Internet.
- On the Internet.
Yeah and anyway, we pooled all the information we know about you around the office and we gave it to him and he made up a song.
Amazing! I love music guys.
- Anyway, enjoy.
- There he is.
- Birthday Woman: Ooh, oh.
- [Reggae Drum Beat.]
Happy birthday ooh, happy birthday, you might be 44, but you look like more like 42, yeah.
Oh, you like to do lots of things like shopping online yes you live in a lime green house with a red door.
You tried to get some things from the store but you dropped your wallet and this guy came up to you and said hey here's your wallet back and you thanked him and gave him a loonie.
A loonie yeah and then you went over to your car and then you dropped your keys and someone said hey can I help you You said no, you got into your car, you drove it and you went around the block a couple times just thinking about how lonely you are at night.
Come on! Yayayayaya you tried IVF, IVF because you wanted to have a child.
But you could not have a child 'cause you didn't have enough eggs.
- Did you tell me that in private? - You had no eggs, you had no eggs, you had no eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, no eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs no eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs no eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs no eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs Ashley got no eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.
- No eggs.
- Ashley's got no eggs.
- No eggs.
- Your eggs are gone.
- I have a ton.
- Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.
- I can't stop making them.
- Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.
No eggs No eggs - Just a tiny rotten one.
- No eggs
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