Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

Taco and a Hair Flip

1 And in summation I will leave you with this startling statistic.
After marriage women earn 10% less than when they were single while married men often earn up to 44% more.
Women are also more likely to suffer spousal abuse and take on more domestic labour and child care than their male counterparts than before they tied the knot.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you Lynn.
And now we'll hear from the father of the bride.
Top that Dad.
How you gonna top that? ["Dancing Underwater" Brave Shores.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh [Knocking.]
Woman: Hello? Everyone: Hi! Woman: Hello, hello, hello! And welcome.
Woman 4: Thank you.
How was the drive up? Ah, lots of traffic but we made it.
Oh great.
Shut the door, shut the door.
- Oh, oh sorry.
- Blackfly season.
Oh sorry.
That's okay, that's okay.
There's a few rules up here but the number one is, enjoy the cottage.
Absolutely! That does not sound hard.
- This is amazing.
- Yeah.
And it's ah no shoes at the cottage.
Oh okay, sorry.
Where's the washroom? Woman: Oh it is right there, and we try not to flush too much so, uh, if it's yellow let it mellow.
- Right.
Got it.
- Great.
Okay, um, just rip into these.
Woman: Oh oh, actually if you cannot eat chips inside we don't want the chip crumbs because of the ants.
Okay I'll just eat the chips later.
Oh no it's okay, you can have them now just have them outside on the porch.
Have my chips on the porch? Yeah you can just go out on the porch.
No thanks.
Yeah you just go out on the porch, it's fine.
Oooh a beer, it's okay to drink beer, that's fine.
But just when you're done make sure to rinse it in the sink and put it in the recycling.
Woman: Okay great, and also be careful just don't put it down on the counter or if you do make sure that you wipe first before you put it down on the counter and then also look to make sure that you don't leave a brown ring.
I notice that's an ale.
Don't use this to wipe it up, it's very expensive so just better if I do the wiping.
So you do the spilling, I'll do the wiping, it's just expensive.
[Toilet Flushing.]
Some people use too much.
Sorry, I'll do my best to remember that.
Woman: Okay.
Okay, who's up for a swim? Woman 2: Yay, yay! Arlene, um, did you really need to flush? Um, yes.
Are you sure? Was it, ah, was it mellow? It was not.
So I'm going to trust, ah, that you did need to trust but in future really don't flush unless you have to, okay.
So we're just going to let that one go.
Now if anyone absolutely needs a shower you can go outside we have a hose attached to a water bladder, it's going to take three or four hours for the sun to warm the bladder.
Once the bladder's warm you can have a shower, okay? I don't need a shower because I'm going to be living at the beach! [Cheering.]
Woman: About the beach, when you come back from the beach make sure you don't bring your wet towels inside.
You want to hang them out on the line.
Now don't hang them over the cottage railing, because the dampness is going to rot the wood.
Some of the other things, if you want to make a fire that is okay, you can do that.
You can make a teepee or you can make a log.
You can go make the teepee form or you can make a log.
What I prefer is that you make a teepee with a log around it.
Also if you need to wash your hair don't use any shampoos, even the biodegradable, even the organic kind in the lake.
It causes algae and it's not good for the fish so it's okay to drive a motorboat and have the gasoline in the lake but it's not okay to have the organic products in the lake.
Okay? Understood? I'm going to fix you your first drink when you get here.
But after that you just go to the fridge and you help yourself to drinks after that.
I am not your servant, okay.
So you come, get yourself a drink and uh fix it up.
Make sure there's no alcohol in it though I am a recovering alcoholic and it might trigger me if you have a drink.
That beer is okay because I never really liked beer.
It wasn't really my drink.
But gin was my drink and so is vodka.
So anything potato based or gin based is actually kind of a no go for me.
But we're going to have a great time here, okay.
Okay thank you for having us.
Yeah, this has been great.
This is great, you know what, this is a really good weekend guys.
It's been a magical fifteen minutes.
Thanks so much, bye.
Have a great weekend.
- Enjoy.
- Bye.
Safe trip home okay.
Thank you.
Woman: Okay.
Ah, that worked out well.
Now where is the gin? Ooh.
That's a really serious salad.
What's in it? There is lots of different stuff.
Um, bulgur, mung beans, there's a sprinkle of wheat grass, there's some kale root, there's sixteen different types of seeds.
Okay actually, you know what never mind, clearly we're just in a different space right now.
I'm in the space where I love my body and you're doing what you need to do with your fries.
So Okay.
Well it looks delicious.
I'm sure it will be.
I'm just going to finish this at my desk.
I'm going to eat this.
See you later.
Have a good one.
Mmm, this is so good.
My body loves me, mmm mmm mmm.
[Lively Swing Music.]
Mother of god.
Oh my gosh.
This is just terrible.
That's okay, you can do this Tammy.
Good to your body, good to it.
What the [Spitting.]
Come on, come on, shake it off.
I'm going to rip right into you, you piece of shit.
Try Try try again.
Just line it up Tammy.
Line it up.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
[Uptempo Instrumental.]
Meeting's in ten minutes.
I'll be there in a minute.
[Lively Swing Music.]
Tammy: Bang.
Nope that's, didn't work.
[Lively Swing Music.]
No Arrrrr.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Because the operating laws for EMP for the first six months of 2016 was 8 million compared to 58 million operating earnings for the first six months of Hey uhm, I think there's a uh mung bean on your shirt.
You hungry? Do you want to eat it? It's good for you.
Trainer: Sweat! Sweat! Feel it! And forget about what makes you small 'cause you're big here! Let's get skinny! I want to see I want to see you work! Work work work work work Hi, hi, hey.
Hey I was just wondering, you know, I'm uh ready to workout just wondering what uh workouts you guys have.
Alright we can get you into some good stuff.
We, uh, we've got The Barbara over here, 20 pull ups, 30 pushups, 40 sit ups, 50 squats.
Seems a little intense maybe, I don't know.
Alright, okay.
We've got a little lighter, The Cindy.
5 pulls ups, 10 pushups, 15 squats.
Yep, okay.
You know, you might be more of a Tracy.
What's the Tracy? The Tracy is right over here, it's uh ten vodka shots, five hours of sleep, one discreet vomit and then a cigarette.
I think I'm just going to try that.
- Alright.
Hop in there.
- Yeah.
Trainer: You are crushing it Trace.
Get that cigarette high.
- Tracy: Okay.
- Alright.
Some of your vomit is by the front door though if you could clean it up.
Trainer: Alright.
- Hoohaa.
- Ow.
Trainer: Tracy! [Sniff.]
Hey, Tracy why does my hand smell like shit? Tracy: You know why.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [Knocking.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Come on in, have a seat.
Is everything okay? Are you um Are you happy here Melanie? Do you Do you like working here? Absolutely I'm very happy.
I'm happy here.
You are? Okay.
Listen, why don't you read this email that you sent to Tim last week.
Great to see you yesterday.
Let me know when you can send those files.
Best, Melanie.
Best? Do you hate yourself? Did somebody hurt you? Why would you? I'm not sure.
I don't understand.
- Okay let me read it to you.
- Okay.
Great to see you yesterday, period.
Let me know when you can send those files, period.
Melanie is it-is it that you like working here but you just wish all your co-workers were dead? Is that Is that what we're getting at here? Okay, you know what? Here, take a look at this.
Take a look at this email that Jill sent to the team.
Hey gang, exclamation point.
Sending some last minute encouragement before the big presyntash, it's an abbrevs.
Presyntash, she even spelled it with a y, presyntash.
You can do it, exclamation point.
Jill, exclamation point.
She puts an exclamation mark after her name.
There's nothing wrong with throwing in an exclamash, you know? Just a little exclamation, lets people know that you're upbeat, you know, that you're not gonna skin us alive.
I feel that my punctuation it's more than appropriate.
And I feel like you should be put on some kind of watch list.
Here take a look at this.
Your email over here it's It's all words, word, word, word, word.
Letter, letter, letter, letter phonetically strung together in the English language.
What are you, from old timey England? You used a semicolon the other day.
Are you the psychopath in the office next door? Sometimes when Todd sends out an email, he adds like a poop with eyes.
And oh god we laugh.
It's fun Melanie.
Poop's fun.
Ah, okay you know what Mel? How about next time you send out an email remember that work can be fun.
Okay put a subject line with like a heading that has, you know, a fist and a prescription pill or something.
Tells people that you're productive but also, you know, that you've got addiction issues.
You're fun.
Okay? Mhm.
- That's it.
- Oh okay.
Melanie: Thank you.
Take a look at your phone.
It's taco and a hair flip.
Yeah that's you.
We're bonding.
Being new to this parish I never had the pleasure of knowing Donald.
But after speaking to many of you here I have been left with a very clear impression of him.
He was a loving husband to Janet.
Good friend to many of you here.
He liked to play a little guitar and he enjoyed mint chocolate chip ice cream.
But mostly he liked to fuck.
Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but I've left my glasses at home and I'm-and I'm trying to send an email.
Oh well I can help you.
Oh thank you.
Okay um, yeah let's just get in here.
- Okay.
Thank you so much.
- Oh you're welcome.
- You're very sweet.
- Oh not at all.
Okay this is to my granddaughter.
Dear Samantha comma, new paragraph.
I heard you moved in with your new girlfriend.
Oh, could you put girlfriend in-in quotation marks please.
Oh, sure.
Thank you.
Your new girlfriend Natasha, period.
Natasha, period.
No no no that's-that's her name, - Natasha Period.
- Oh.
That's her last name Period.
- Ah, new paragraph.
- Okay.
I'm writing to let you know that I have removed you from my will because of your abhorrent and sinful lifestyle.
New paragraph.
Oh you know, um, this sounds really personal I'm just gonna I'm gonna let you finish that up.
[Loud Voice.]
Sins will be punished with hell fire.
You know what, why don't you just you're up here, let's keep you here.
And we'll just, I'll just get this done.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
I hope that you received the charming birthday card I sent you because it will be the last one that you will receive from me.
Love and kisses, Grandma Eileen.
Grandma - Eileen.
- Eileen.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
- That's it? - Mhm.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
You know, would you help me write a letter to my ex-boyfriend? Oh.
Okay, let's do this.
Hey when lunch is over do you want to go back to the office and run up and down the stairwell with me? My Fitbit says that I'm at 5,348 steps and I need to hit 10,000 today.
Mmm, I'd love to but my Fitbit says I'm only getting three hours of quality sleep a night so I kinda just need to go back to the office and have a nap.
Okay, okay.
Hey Shoosh is that a Fitbit? Do you want to join me? Oh no this is a Fatbit.
It tracks every time society body shames me.
Otherwise my self-esteem would be through the roof.
Marnie, you want to join? Oh I would but my Funbit says I've got to drink this thermos of wine.
Oooh that's my Fuckbit I've got to go meet my lover for a quickie on the photocopier.
Shirley? No I'm good.
Does your Fitbit say you can't? Shirley: Oh no no, that's a watch.
It's just a watch.
I do whatever the fuck I want.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Woman: Do you do Pinterest? Woman 2: I signed up.
I don't understand it.
I never went back.
It's like Snapchat, what? I know and I keep getting these Isabel.
Everyone: Hello.
What is that? What is that? Is that a scarf? Oh, this? No, this is just a blanket scarf.
Oh, genius.
I love it.
I know it is pretty warm and cozy and it's nice isn't it? - It is really nice.
- It's beautiful.
You can wear it like uh a shawl, you can wear it like a scarf or like a blanket.
Just like a blanket.
Isabel: It's so nice.
I just want to snuggle right up to you.
- Come lie down.
- Have a scone.
Yeah come sit down I'll read you a story.
Yeah, tuck into a carb, tuck into a carb.
Scarf Woman: Oh this looks nice.
Thanks for ordering.
Mm, beautiful.
[China Crashing.]
She is so cool.
She is so cool.
She's gorgeous.
That's a duvet scarf.
I feel like garbage in this now.
You kind of look like garbage.
Oh thanks.
Grace: Hello.
- Hi.
- Grace? - Come in.
- Rina, Henry.
Grace: Hi.
Come in, come in, come in, come in.
Oh, wow this place is amazing.
I know.
Oh it's even better than the pictures.
Thank you, you are just, you know what you're so sweet with your little Valentine's romantic getaway.
Now listen, the city it can be very romantic and I just want to welcome you to my very romantic apartment.
Yay you're here, romance.
Ah, actually we were just going to pick up the keys quickly.
- Grace: These keys? - Yes.
Grace: These keys.
I don't think so.
I'm just going to give you the tour of the romance first, okay.
Right this way.
You know what this is? You want to know what this is.
This is a home studio oak countertop, you know what that can do? It can take a pounding.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm hmm, hmm, hmm.
Good to know.
Grace: Yeah it is really good to know.
You know what else is good to know? Cooking oils.
Who loves a cooking oil? Hands up if you like a cooking oil? We got walnut we got truffle, we got sesame you want to rub it on a turkey you want to rub it in a pan you just wanna rub it in and rub it in and a rub it.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Ah, I really don't think we'll be cooking much I think we'll eat out.
Eat out.
There's something else I want to show you.
Are you sure about this? It'll be fine once she leaves.
Grace: And right this way.
This is a very prrrrr, prrrr, prrrr, prrrr, prrrr really, really take a pounding as well.
You want to lay back on it go ahead 'cause you're going by this again and again and again and again.
Maybe like this.
Maybe you want to do a little bit of this.
Maybe one leg up like this.
Maybe we should just get the keys, huh? Yeah.
Grace: I don't know maybe you just want to turn on some surround sound and do whatever.
This right here is a licked leather boar sofa sometimes I like to take my finger, you know what I do? I rub it right here along this crease just give a little tease, oh oh oh, oh ding ding ding ding.
Know what that's called? That's called the friggin' jackpot.
Ah, is there some like ah, ah code for like the alarm or for the door? - The door.
- The door? Is there? 'Cause I think you Henry you know what you were saying, like yeah Rina, yeah, maybe you want to get on this.
What's that? Why don't you let me tell me, that's the key turning in the door, [Whispering.]
who could that be? It's me.
I've come home early.
Sorry, what's happening in the story now? I say, 'Well I wasn't expecting you both still to be here'.
And then you say, 'Oh god, I don't know how we're going to pay you for the extra night'.
And I say, 'Ah don't you worry about it.
I know a way'.
And then the both of ya's Okay, no, no.
No thank you.
Sorry, no.
Let's just go.
This is weird.
She's weird.
Couple good ideas that you could use.
Rina: Totally.
- Henry: Yeah.
- Yeah.
Make sure you write a good review.
See if your parents want to come.
It's so great to have you.
You've seen the registry right? Yeah.
Wonderful, you saw the registry? Mhm.
Whoa, whoa, this is so nice.
This is so nice.
- Hello.
- It's so nice.
Oh, you went all out.
Woman: Yes.
What um exactly are we celebrating? The invitation wasn't too clear.
Oh it's, um, it's a payback party.
You know, I-I've never had a wedding or a stagette or an engagement party or a baby shower or bachelorette or anything like that and, uh, I've been to all of yours.
Yeah, did you get a chance to look at my registry? Ah yeah, I wanted to ask you about that actually.
Um, I just want to know why all the items were over $500? It's really weird 'cause the gift that I got on the registry is like really affordable.
I just got whisk.
Yeah everything was under a 100.
Yeah it depended on whether or not you gave me a plus one to your wedding.
Wait a minute, you had a plus one at my wedding and I still got the expensive registry.
Did you have a baby shower? Two, you planned one Oh.
Okay well listen, I'm going to say hi to my parents.
Um, my god this day goes by so fast.
Let's get a drink.
Yes please.
Let's get a drink, let's get a drink.
Woman 4: Ooh I love an open bar.
No no no no no no, it was not an open bar at your wedding so no.
Okay come on, this is ridiculous.
No what's ridiculous is a destination wedding at an all-inclusive with a cash bar.
That is what is ridiculous so no.
Ah forget it.
I'm outta here.
Woman 2: See ya.
Excuse me, hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
That's great.
Oh uh make sure you grab a party favour on your way out.
Hey! This is from my wedding.
It's good jam.
Oh mine, thank you.
Thank you.

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