Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

Don't Make Me Send a Lawyer Up There

1 Hi.
I just have to say I am on board with this whole adult colouring thing.
You know when I first heard about it I dismissed it 'cause I thought it sounded too hipsterish.
But this class has been a revelation.
You know I just feel fired up and at peace at the same time.
I-I forgot how much I love colouring.
Yeah you're, um, gonna have to leave or we're calling the police.
Do you have any glitter? - No.
- Oh.
Kids avert your eyes.
Go back to your books.
Lindsay, call the police please.
I'm just so much better at this now.
You're not.
Ground Control to Janet Cooper.
Do you read me? Copy that, reading you loud and clear Ground Control.
Following the footsteps of Joe Kittinger and Felix Baumgartner you Janet Cooper are about to make history.
It's herstory.
- Herstory.
- Making herstory.
Beating out women across the planet for the opportunity to free fall 120,000 feet with nothing but a spacesuit to protect you.
Really uh glad I won that Redbull contest.
We have to start now or she'll die.
Oh, okay.
Ah commencing countdown Cooper.
Time to bring Janet back to her planet.
10,9, 8 Uh, sorry ah, sorry a quick question, what hypothetically would happen if I, you know, just hypothetically decided not to jump? You'll float off into oblivion and be crushed by the vacuum of outer space Janet.
Vacuum of space.
What's more important is that little girls around the world are counting on you Janet.
Yay! Don't those little girls already have Beyoncé? Ah it's one uh giant leap for womankind.
Cool, I get it but I'm kind of wondering, do I, do I need, you know, to be the first woman to free fall from space? Like do I need that? Absolutely.
You can be a hero to all women.
10,9,8,7 Okay, okay, like listen.
I understand women getting the right to vote, you know, the right to, you know, be recognized as people under the law.
Can you believe we were not recognized as people? That is wild.
Every minute you don't jump, you rise another 20,000 feet Janet.
20,000 eh? 10,9,8,7,6,5 Okay wait uh guys.
Janet you have to jump or you'll leave earth's gravitational pull.
Okay, ah Oh it's high, um.
No I uh, I'm good.
Yeah I'm good.
Just I'm not really feeling it right now.
Janet this is your moment, when you land you're going to get sponsorship deals.
You can own your own line of women's sports equipment.
You're going to show people all over the world what it means to be a feminist Janet.
You know, as awesome as that sounds.
I uh think I'm going to pass.
- Sorry? - What? Just I think I'm going to just keep floating.
It's really not an option uh Janet, passing.
Janet you signed a contract don't make me send a lawyer up there.
A female lawyer and then we don't need you anymore.
So, you want to lose out completely or what? Yeah it's not really losing out jumping to my death.
Jump! I-I just entered the contest on a whim, it wasn't really my-my bag.
Did you win the first woman to free fall from outer space contest? Yep.
Me too.
Me too.
That jump is bullshit.
Do you know that 99% of the world's wealth is in the hands of men? Da.
Do you guys want to know what this hose is for? So I tried making it with avocado instead of, you know, the traditional way but I'm not entirely sold that it's the best chocolate cake ever.
Sometimes you just need gluten, that's all you need.
Speaking of which, would you like some chocolate? Oh yes please.
Oh what's this? Oh it's a Tinder surprise.
A Tinder surprise? Yeah, it's a delicious chocolate egg with a dick pic inside.
- Ooh.
- Mhm.
It sure is, look at that.
Oh the crooked ones are so cute.
Oh adorable.
- Aw.
- Mhm.
I think my guy can take your guy.
Oh yeah for sure.
Argh, arrr.
Ooh I'm inadequate, ahh.
Finish him, arrr.
I'm sure he's a very nice person with a great personality.
- I'm sure.
- I'm sure.
Thanksgiving was just the worst.
First of all the turkey was dry.
Second of all no one ever talks about what a problematic time of year this is for people like myself who do not enjoy the root vegetables.
I mean.
Well never mind the vegetables, the whole holiday is outmoded.
I mean, what are we even celebrating? Capitalism? Colonial oppression? Sparkling water infused with grapefruit? Oh that sounds nice, thank you.
Oh no thank you.
I'm boycotting the parent company, they're draining the lakes for pennies a glass.
It's disgusting.
You know what, I'm going to pass.
Thank you for being so vocal.
I really appreciate that you are.
I mean, I really need to learn to do that more.
You need to unlearn the long term systemic silencing of female voices.
It's true you do.
I've thought that for a while now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Am I not loud enough? Is that Hi, uh can you excuse me I need to use the Like I said on Facebook the systems aren't broken, they were built that way.
Oh, son of a bitch.
It's the inherent entitlement that really gets me.
My my but my wheel's stuck.
If everyone would just check out their privilege the world would be a better place.
What does it mean when people say check your privilege? I don't really understand that.
Well the problem about checking privilege is that if you're so used to privilege you don't even know that you have it.
I just want you to move please.
If only we had a facile yet problematic way - to demonstrate this.
- And my wheel is stuck! Agh! I just want to pee! Can I have um a bourbon please? Straight up, thank you.
Just put it on my card.
Thank you.
Sorry, were you talking to me? Oh no, I'm sorry, not at all, um Okay.
There's this sleazy guy back there.
Can you see him? Do you see him? He is staring at me all night.
He's-he's going to come over.
I know it.
Oh, well, um, maybe he's a nice guy? Maybe, but he's wearing white pants that I can see his pockets through and he just winked at himself in the mirror so probably not.
Well, good luck.
Okay, thanks, oh god.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Hey there, I'm uh, - I'm Keith.
- Hi.
- And you are - I'm - my future wife.
- Oh.
No seriously I was watching you over there and you are hotter than the bottom of my laptop after a long day at my advertising agency.
- Am I? - Oh yeah you would burn my lap.
- Uh oh.
- You would be so hot on my lap.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Uh oh.
What do you do by the way? - I'm a doc - Besides break hearts? - Ow.
- Can I touch your face? - Maybe no.
- Okay.
- Listen for real.
- Yep.
I want you to take my virginity tonight.
- I won't.
- Tonight! I will not.
I do not want to see that.
How 'bout this? You come on by my place and we'll watch Family Guy and Show.
You ever see Family Guy? Oh my god it's so funny.
Oh is it? Yeah, there's a dog Brian oh my he's a, he reminds me of me, you know.
He's a go-getter, he's a funny guy You remind yourself of a dog? Well the cartoon dog, yes, from Family Guy.
Oh good.
Yeah he's very horny and he's looking for - Hi babe.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is everything okay over here? Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Bye! Good luck with your horny dog show.
I-I, thank you so much.
No problem.
No problem at all.
I'm-I'm Laura.
- Really nice to meet you.
- I work in corporate law.
Oh great.
I'm a doctor.
Oh nice.
I thought you were a magician.
Oh, 'cause when I came in here and I saw you - Yeah? - Everyone else around you disappeared except for you.
Are those wings? I'm saying that because I think you're an angel.
- That's why I'm saying that.
- Yeah.
I wouldn't say that if I didn't think you were an angel.
Okay, I don't have wings.
Maybe the little angel wants to fly on her angel wings over to my house and watch some Family Guy? I don't think so.
There's a really funny episode.
Do you know the show with Ryan the dog? Is this one my water or yours? Um, I don't know it might be mine.
But you can have a sip.
Oh, yeah, no thanks.
I, uh, I don't want to get sick so.
Well I'm not sick.
Yeah I'm just I'm not going to chance it, you know, I just I really just can't get sick right now.
I've got like a ton of work to do! Well I can't get sick either I've got to fly to San Francisco and then New York.
A lot of people get sick on planes.
Uh oh, what's this? Oh it's my home-made hummus, there you go.
Oh nice.
I know.
Wow I wouldn't touch that, - don't want to get sick.
- Are you sick? Oh my gosh don't touch my carrots, don't touch my stuff, don't touch my stuff please.
I'm not sick.
I-I-I can't get sick.
Well, I can't get sick either Michelle's out of town and I've got the kids full time for the week so.
People will kids are sort of gross, they always get sick.
- Always.
- I can't get sick.
I'm going to see my sister after I go to San Francisco and she has a baby.
Um, excuse me, I am getting married on Saturday.
I'm getting married so I definitely can't get sick.
Woo guys, can we not have communal bowls anymore.
- I'm really bogged down - Yes.
And I cannot get sick.
Well none of us can.
Yeah but, you know, I just signed a book deal for my mommy blog and I've got to write 25,000 words in two months so.
Um, well, so, I'm getting married on Saturday I haven't booked a DJ.
I cannot get sick! I'm reading to the elderly.
I'm hosting an infomercial about how I never get sick.
I Am getting married on Saturday people.
I cannot get sick! I got sick.
- I got sick.
- Oh god.
I got siiiccckkk! I'm a monster.
I can't get sick.
I'm the president of this company! Who made me sick?! Shhhhh! Who did it? Hello Janet.
Thanks for coming in today.
Yeah well, it's uh never had a mammogram before.
Never had a-that's fine, if you can just step up and slide your breast onto the plate.
Oh uh You need to open your robe, it's okay.
I'm so sorry.
Can't have a mammogram without your breast out.
I guess not.
First timer, okay honey that's it and slide it in.
Into here? Yeah can you just twist it to the right? - Uh huh.
- Cork it to the left.
- Cork it? - Is your nipple out? Sorry, yeah.
Just stick the nipple right to the back.
- Okay.
- Right to the crack of it.
Okay, look me in the eye.
This is going to loosen it up and in.
- Ow.
- You pushed it in? - Yeah.
- You got that? - Yeah.
- That feels okay? Okay, can you lift your right arm up for me? - This one? - Keep it at a right angle.
- Slide it in.
- Okay.
- Slide it in.
- In.
Slide it in.
Just hold on - You know what? I need you to hold onto the bar.
- Okay.
- That bar, that bar.
- That one? - Put this hand on that bar.
- Okay.
- Hold on tight like this.
Do you feel that nice and tight? Now take it and just put put your tit in.
Like this, just slide it in.
I just might need to You know how to slip it in? - Hold onto that bar.
- Okay.
- And that bar.
- This bar? - This bar.
- I can't hold both.
You can't hold both bars? You can't, you have two hands.
- You've got two bars.
- I've got this bar Look at me.
That's it, that's it.
- You're gonna hold on both bars? - Okay.
Okay, guess what's happened? Where's your breast? - Off the plate.
- Oh shit.
Slide it in.
I know.
Look at me.
Don't swear this is a hospital.
- Is your nipple still out? - Yeah.
Can you twist it? Can you twist your breast like that? - Ah, ah, ah ah.
- I might have to - Twist it, you're not looking at me.
- Okay.
Twist, twist, on it, twist, on it, nice.
And you're looking at me.
I'm going to ask you to - lift your right leg for me.
- Lift my right leg? - Left leg.
I said left.
- Okay.
- Lift it up.
- Okay.
Kick it straight.
Kick it straight.
It's like you're in jazz class, babababababap and your breast still has to be on the plate.
- Don't mess around.
- Oh I see.
I gotta get closer now.
- Get closer now.
Slide it in.
- Okay.
Okay wait, and we're going to hold for five seconds.
We're not going to breathe Janet.
How long do I Don't breathe, shh, that's what's happening, - you're breathing.
- Can I take a deep breath - Bap, don't breathe.
- Okay.
Smell my hand.
That was a trick, don't smell my hand 'cause that means you're breathing.
Okay, ready? Here we go.
Hold on and Ohhhh.
Oh that pinches a little.
- Yeah.
- Try this.
There we go.
That's great.
We all done? You're all done.
Oh great.
Thank you.
No problem.
Good job Janet.
Now if you could just wait here and then someone will be in to give you your mammogram.
You-you're not the? No.
This wasn't a? This-this isn't a mammogram machine is it? No no no no no no no no no no.
That's for my grill cheeses.
This is a staff lounge.
- Hey Charlene, hey Jeanine.
- Hey.
I'm going to go clean level three.
- Okay.
- 'Kay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
What are you guys doing? - Uh, just chilling out.
- Lunch break.
You can make yourself a panini if you want.
Oh the scallops have a lemon butter reduction that sounds so good.
That sounds really good.
Oh my god look at these steak frite options.
I can have aioli and goat cheese together.
Oh my god! Oh duck liver pate wrapped in prosciutto oooh I'm in heaven.
That sounds good.
Oh I might go with the with the fettuccine Alfredo with in-house aged Parmesan.
That sounds good.
I'm just going to have this whole side of the menu.
I'm going to have this and just dip everything in duck fat.
What can I get you ladies? Yeah, I'm going to have the house salad, grilled chicken, dressing on the side.
- The same - Same for me.
Yeah same for me.
Thanks so much.
Okay McDougall we're going to need a date and time of recovery - on the Buskawitz file.
- Excuse me.
And I'm also going to need your 459, okay.
Yeah hold on.
Hi, um I've been experiencing some ongoing harassment that I would like to report.
Okay I'm glad you came in to see us.
Okay, um, it's my ex-boyfriend Travis.
Yeah, so I broke up with him because he was becoming increasingly volatile.
Ooh relationships are hard aren't they? Sure.
Um, so he started showing up at places where I am and shouting at me and smashing stuff.
Hmmm so he still cares? Huh.
He's been tweeting at me a lot in the last week and I'm really concerned for my safety.
Okay, look at these tweets.
- Oh is this on the Internet? - Yeah.
Ah, yeah no I think that's more of a question for I.
No, no it's not a computer question, these are tangible messages left in a public forum by a violent individual.
Ma'am, I can't help you if you keep shouting at me.
I-I didn't shout at you.
Okay, just-just read these tweets.
Okay here he says, um, - that I'm a waste of life.
- Uh huh.
Here he says that the world would be better off without me and he's thinking of ways to get rid of me.
Sounds kind of vague.
Um, here he says he's going to cut down the tree in my front yard and burn me with it.
Wait What? - What? - I know.
Alright saddle up boys we gotta tree being cut down without a permit.
What? Alright ma'am, thank you for coming to me with this, you mark my words nothing will happen to that tree on my watch.
You have my word.
Come on boys let's roll out.
What? Travis? Oh, hey, Laura.
You look great.
I'm a cop now.
So gotta go.
Honey, you're snoring.
I can still hear it.
Ah, okay.
One, two, Okay.
I can still hear it.
Okay, that's good.
Yeah, this is working.
I can't hear it.
I can still hear it! I love you.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you.
I love you.
I can still hear it.
I can still hear it.
I-I can still hear it.
It's the problem so we're just going to shhh We're just gonna, shhhh shhhhhh Oh, was I snoring? Yeah, a little bit.
That's a really good question Kaitlyn, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.
You see, every woman's body is part of a cycle.
Once a month you're going to feel a warm glowing light around you.
And all you have to do, it's so easy, is just take a pad in your hand and pour a thin strip of liquid down the middle.
It'll take a few tries but eventually you'll find a way of doing it that's comfortable for you.
But won't I look weird doing that at school? Oh no.
At this time of the month you don't go to school, you'll spend most of your time horseback riding or swimming in a white bathing suit.
I was going to wait until you were older to give you this but here.
It's a white sundress for running in open fields with your arms in the air.
That's not so scary.
Thanks Mom.
Oh my God! Why are you bleeding? Are you dying? Oh my God! My baby is dying! What's happening to you?! - What is happening?! - Help me! - What is happening?! - Help me! Ahhh! My baby! My baabyy! It's time for Kiss Cam!
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