Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

You've Reached the Voicemail of Tracy Harrity

1 Officer: The target is clear.
Take the shot Corporal.
Copy that.
Did you, um, ahem, did you hang up? I was waiting for you to hang up.
I'm always the first one who has to hang up.
You're not the first one all the time.
- Please.
- I hang up a lot.
Hey listen, okay, we count to three? Okay, three.
One, two, three.
I can hear you breathing.
I can totally hear you breathing.
- I know you're still there.
- This is ridiculous.
- Okay for real.
- For real.
- For real.
One - Two, three.
You're still there I can feel it, yeah I know.
I know.
This is crazy.
Okay how are we going to do this? - Okay count of three? - Okay.
One, two, three.
I can hear you breathing.
Officer: I knew.
I totally knew, you're the worst.
Corporal: - Okay promise, promise.
- Okay.
["Dancing Underwater", Brave Shores.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Runnin' in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun yeah Hold your breatha little longer Let's go dancing underwater Hi.
Daisy? - Hi, - Hi, I'm Jolene.
Pleased to meet you.
So this is a very important position for our company.
We've really been searching hard for the right candidate and thanks so much for coming in.
You're welcome.
Okay, let's, um, take a look at your resume.
I'm I'm not seeing any experience that's relevant to being a programmer.
Well my parents said I could be anything I wanted.
So I'm sorry they? Oh it's, ah, right there.
Oh! So they did.
Okay, um, I'm also not seeing any post-secondary education.
Oh, yeah, well, my parents said that I was amazing.
Oh so they did.
Okay, I'm just going to confer with my colleague.
Hey Marika, Marika would you mind coming in here for a second.
Um How can I help out? I'm just looking at her for this position and she doesn't have any education or relevant experience.
Oh but her parents do say she's amazing.
Jolene: Mhm.
We'd be fools not to hire her.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
Great to have you with us Daisy.
- I'm looking forward to it.
- How did I do? You were amazing.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You should be very proud of this one.
She's doing a great job.
Dad: We agree.
She feels like a boss doesn't she? Dad: Yeah.
Thanks mom, thanks dad.
I just-I just didn't know what to do there for [Car Horn Honking.]
Hey, nice rump! Huh! Woman: Get a life.
Hey, sweet tits! Why don't you step outside your truck and say that to my face.
Dick head.
One day you'll find her Pete.
One day.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Did you find everything you need? I sure did thank you.
Okay great, just run this through here.
And, um, can I get your postal code real quick? Um You know, I'd rather not.
Oh, it's-it's just for our records.
Sure, I totally understand that but, um, no-no thank you, I'd rather not.
It-it's just for the records.
No I heard what you said and I understand but no I don't want to give away Clerk: You don't want to give it.
But if you want to return something we need your postal code for our records.
How about I'll never return it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Heard you loud and clear, no problem.
Yeah I like this pantsuit that much.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
Great, and can I just get your phone number real quick? - Phone number? - Mhm.
Why? It's just for our records.
I'm definitely not going to give that away.
Okay, well no one is going to call you.
Well I just, yeah I don't want anyone calling me.
Well no one is going to call you.
'Cause I don't want them to call me so I don't give my number out.
- They won't call you I promise.
- They won't call me? No one's gonna? - No one is going to call you.
-Then why do you need a record of it? Yeah, we just need a record of the phone number so that we're not going to call.
Can you put that in the bag so I can go? Clerk: Yeah, no problem at all.
Can I just get your address real quick? Whoa are you serious? Ah, yeah.
You just asked me for my address? Clerk: Um, yeah.
Woman: Guess what I'm going to say? - What am I going to say? - You're going to say no? I'm going to say no.
Okay, um, can I have a hint? - You want a hint? - Just a hint.
How about this, is that hint enough? - Okay, um - I'm going to go no on the address.
Okay, does it have a street name? No.
Is it a house or an apartment? No.
Okay, does it start with the number one? - No.
- Number two? - No.
- Three? - No.
- Four? You need to stop it! - It starts with five? - You got to stop it right now! This pant suit fits me kind of weird in the ass, it's a hair width away from a bit of camel toe that is not good enough! That is just not good enough to give you my private information! - I mean, ma'am - Yes? There's no conspiracy.
I'm just doing what I'm told to do.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't have a coffee and I smell like a meatball.
Here you go.
It's not too late, you can just give me the in I'm not going to Just give it to me.
Alright, thank you.
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
I heard you.
I dare you to say it one more time.
Thank you.
I'm I'm so sorry Greg.
I mean, I tried to get Julie's information but she just wouldn't give it.
Oh well, you tried your best.
Yeah, have to go get it yourself.
I'm going to.
It's Julie I-E, yeah.
Good luck! I know, honestly look at this one.
- Ew.
- Ew.
Honestly Lianne you are so lucky you have Nathan.
I know I am.
I really truly am.
Woman 3: I mean, wading through the assholes on Tinder is a full-time administrative gig.
No seriously, okay guys, look at this one.
Woman 2: - Ugh.
- Eww.
Woman: That is so gross right? Why do they think we want to see their dicks? Lianne: I don't know.
I am so glad that I got out of the dating scene when I did.
I feel really sorry for you all.
I have no idea why they want to send you guys that stuff.
Sometimes before they even say hello.
Lianne: What? That's so ew.
You show me it.
Show me.
Oh no, you do not want to see that one.
No I know.
No I know I know I don't because sometimes at home I get to see a dick, once, sometimes.
I have no interest at all of seeing a brand new dick.
Woman 3: Hey, this guy drew a face on his.
- What? - That's appalling.
No he looks like a murderer.
I'm terrified, ah can I-can I see that? Can you show it to me? - Oh, I deleted it.
- Okay good, good.
Oh my god this one looks like a giant slug.
Does it really? - Oh I'm so sorry that I just - Oh my goodness! - What happened to your phone? - Is it Is it okay? I don't know I don't even know if it's okay.
- Lianne - What? Can I have my phone back please? Woman: Lianne, if you give Mary back her phone I've got a lot of dicks on my phone I can show you, okay.
No that's okay, I'm good.
Mary: She's going to run.
Well now she is.
Mary: Lianne! Lianne give me back my phone! Lianne:- I need some dicks.
- They're just dicks.
Mary: Lianne those are my dick pics! Lianne: There is sixteen dicks on here that I have to have! [Chuckling.]
That one looks like the guy from YouTube.
- I don't know who that is.
- Oh.
No it's funny.
Woman: I mean, you're so well-travelled it blows my mind.
Well, you know, it's just priorities.
You know, you just decide that's what I'm going to do and, you know, do you live to work or work to live? It's what you do, yeah.
Well listen on that note I think I've had a fun night but I'm going to cut my losses, get out of here and just pull a French exit.
Yeah, yeah.
It's the easiest way to leave a party, you know, without having to say goodbye to everybody and just get out of here.
Yeah goodbyes are so tedious.
I would do the same thing except Dave's having such a good time.
Dave: Oh, Macarena, Macarena, yeah.
Macarena, Macarena, yeah.
Wow, what a catch.
- Okay.
- Okay, well thanks.
Bye bye.
I'm just gonna slip out.
- Okay.
- Like you never saw me.
Oh, I never saw you, okay.
Just getting out of here, I'm gonna say goodbye, French exit, was never here okay, bye.
Hi Jill, Jane.
Listen, I didn't really want to say goodbye to people.
I'm just going to make a bit of an exit but Oh yeah, the no talk walk.
Yeah, wanted to say goodbye to you.
Hi, just pulling a French goodbye, just gonna, bye.
Anyway, just ghosting.
If you don't see me later you'll know that I'm gone.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm just pulling a French goodbye so - Oh.
- I'm going to get out here.
Saying goodbye, alright.
Just pulling a French goodbye, getting out of here.
Or if I'm not here, you don't need me to make this party fun.
Jim, yeah, no.
Just gonna pull a French exit.
Okay, I have to go my car, bye now.
Okay, just getting out of here.
Yeah, good to see ya, whoever you are.
You already told us.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, of course.
You know how it is, right? - Yeah.
- Of course.
Of course.
Just pulling a French exit so won't be here much longer.
Okay you didn't see me alright.
Tom, no no, I'm-I'm just leaving now.
Dave, I'm just-I'm just leaving.
I'm just having a a little French exit, okay? Okay, just getting out of here, alright.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [Beeping.]
[Beeping Speeds Up.]
[Beeping Gets Faster.]
Woman: Oh no, no.
[Beeping Sounds Like Flatline.]
Woman: It's not my time.
It's not my time.
[Beeping Sounds Like Flatline.]
Grim Reaper: Top of the mornin' to ya.
- This okay? - This is perfect thank you.
Here you go.
Can I get you something to start or? Well I am starving but I'm waiting for a friend so, I'm going to hold off.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- See you in a sec.
- Mhm.
[Playful Instrumental.]
Oh, spicy.
[Lively String Plucking.]
[Sucking Sounds.]
Mm, it's pretty good.
- Gotta seat over here.
- Sure.
Um, what is the soup today? Uh, the soup is, uh, a basic soup it's just called soup.
Um, I'd also maybe like some potatoes.
What kind of potatoes do you have today? Uh, they're potatoes.
Um, okay, so I'll take potatoes, I'll take the soup and also, now I'm thinking about coffee.
Waiter: Yeah.
You know there's coffee With white is what we call it.
Patron: Yes.
So some soup, potatoes, a coffee with white and Hi.
I'm just waiting for my friend still so - Okay.
- I'm good.
- Alright.
- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah, so just start with - Soup, potatoes and coffee? - Yeah.
- Okay.
[Whimsical Instrumental.]
Waiter: Just this way, ma'am.
Thank you.
If you want to have a seat right over here.
I will get you a menu right away and I will come back.
[Kissing Sounds.]
[Playful Music.]
Uh oh.
Oh no.
That bleh.
Hoohoo hoohoo hoo.
Did you want to order anything or? No, that's-I'm fine.
I just ate I ate shit.
I'm good.
Full up.
She just ate a piece of shit that's all.
It's on the menu? I'll take who's next.
Hi, I'd like to make a withdrawal.
- Mhm.
- I'm going to Vegas.
[Lively Music.]
You could either do it at Zander's penthouse, hang on, can you hang on? Or we can find like a hall or something where they are.
My god, could the week be any longer? - I know.
- I don't think so.
This week, you know what? Hold on, hold on.
Hey, Laur, um Yes you.
Are you still at that same job? Ah, as of this week I went back.
[Energetic Music.]
Subway Automatic Announcer: Please stand clear of the doors.
Hello girls, Granny's here for the weekend.
Give your Gran a hug.
Oh yeah, you get in here, you get in here.
Oh yeah, no what? There.
Oh, oh.
I wish I could keep you girls this height forever.
Yeah, really helping Gran's back.
Oooh! Hi, it's March 19th and you've reached Tracy Harrity.
I'm currently out of the office but please leave me your name and number and I'll return your call as soon as possible.
That's fine.
I like that one.
Doesn't sound weird at all.
[Voice Sounds Sped Up.]
Really? - Yeah.
- Not strange at all? Not even a little.
Oh I just get so self-conscious about my voice on recordings, you know.
Everyone does.
Oh, thanks for listening.
No problem.
Are you coming to karaoke later? Ah no, no I can't.
I can't.
Uh, I'm working on a 911, you know, crisis hotline.
Voice of an angel.
I like to think so.
Just trying to help the people with my dulcet tones.
Are we out of cups? No I just prefer my tea in a mason jar.
It's more environmental.
Than a cup? Yeah.
And it also it holds more tea so that I get, oh it's hot, its just a little hot.
That doesn't seem practical or safe.
Oh if anything it's more safe.
Mason jars have been around forever.
I use them for everything.
Brought my lunch.
You brought a smoothie for lunch? Oh, it's a salad.
I guess it got shaken up a little bit in my bike bag.
Yeah looks kind of wet.
You know you could have just left those in the box.
Oh yeah, but they look so much nicer in a mason jar and it's way easier too.
I mean, any time you want a paper clip, you know, you just reach in and wait, wait, let me just, uh, you give a little flip, you give a little flip and then uh, and then you just-just um [Clears Throat.]
You-you know, uh, you just uh [Mouth Full Speaking Unclear.]
It's really easy.
It looks so good, right.
And then give a little twist and, ah voila, paper clip.
I'll think I'll just stick with the stapler.
Got you covered my friend.
Does, um does everything have to be in a mason jar? Oh hold that thought.
Ah, Brian called.
Oh god, he's probably phoning to remind us about the meeting, ugh.
Do you have the TPS report? Yes I do.
Okay, here you go.
Are you [Sighs.]
Are you kidding me? Okay, I will go to make another copy.
Well you're going to need this it's the master.
Are you coming? I'll be right there just got to feed my fish.
Hello? Brian: It's Brian, have you seen Lynn? Hi Brian.
Yeah, she just left.
She'll be right up with the TPS report.
Oh and FYI, she's in a bad mood for some reason.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ah, I haven't slept since I was 45.
Oh I know.
The insomnia is intense.
And the mood swings, you're up, you're down, it's like It's the hormones.
It's like a rollercoaster.
You're so right.
I've even started naming my chin hairs.
So, do you guys want to go into the sauna? Oh, yeah sure.
Let's go.
Woman 4:I think this flash is almost done.
Woman 3: Woo! Let's get hot! So we are delighted that RZP Financial is going to have a float in the gay pride parade again this year.
Woman 2: Yay! Oh oh, oh oh.
Man: Thanks.
Ah, any ideas for the float? I have an idea.
I was thinking that this year we could have some hunky guys, oh, in tight green tank tops on top of the float because our bank colours are green.
Woman: Hm, okay.
Does everyone agree? Sure, sounds good.
Okay, great.
Well then we will get a bunch of hunky guys in tight green tank tops and put them atop the RZP Financial float.
- Woman 2: Great.
- Fantastic.
Everyone, sorry, I I actually had an idea too.
Um, I just kind of feel like we've done the same thing, the bank's done the same thing with the pride float every year for, like, five years maybe more.
I mean, ever since we started being in the pride parade and I just thought this year maybe we could do something different.
More thematically in line with the bank, you know.
[Dramatic Music.]
What I'm thinking is instead of uh a regular float what we could do is we could have a float that looks like the interior of the bank and we could all be wearing, um, you know, business attire.
No tight green tank tops? No tight green tank tops? No, well, go with me on this one, okay.
In a suit sort of like a power pant suit or whatever it is that you wear to work every day.
Oh, it's a business romper.
Over here we've loosened your shirt, okay.
So you, Isabel, your shirt is undone and we've got you here, you're shackled up to the variable rate mortgage that you signed up for without really putting enough thought into it, right.
And meanwhile Liz is whispering in your ear, there's going to be a market correction.
And like um well Bob, you're a shorter guy, right? Okay, so listen, you represent the little guy.
So we've got you, like, bent over the ATM machine and while the bank's taking out one dollar bill for every transaction as it screws the little guy.
And you, you want to get a house, right? So we've got you on your knees, like, begging and the bank is saying you don't have the credit rating to get a loan even though you work for us, you're shit out of luck.
It's going to be awesome.
And now, finally, we've got a vault and there's a pile of money, like, money and jewels and just cash and Jim you're gay, so you're there and Bob is, like, screwing you, just humping you on top of the pile of cash right in the vault and above it there's a fluorescent neon sign flashing that says, 'safe sex'.
Get it? It's like safe sex, the bank is here advocating for safe sex.
It's going to be amazing.
You guys? [Panting.]
Um, and everyone is going to be in green tank tops.
[Cheering and Clapping.]

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