Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

Is That You Karen?

1 You don't need to be a hero here.
ROBBER #2: Back up you two, back up.
- ROBBER #1: Back up! - POLICE OFFICER: Alright everybody hands up this is the police! Hands up, hands up! Let's go, let's go! Everybody be cool, be cool.
- Karen? - Huh? Is that you Karen? Monica Hicey? - Hello! - What? MONICA: I know so good to see you.
- Get out - How long has it been? - KAREN: Like twenty years.
- MONICA: Twenty years.
This is my friend Sherry.
KAREN: Yeah, we went to school together twenty years ago.
- Nice to meet you.
- Agent Cooper.
How you been? Well, you know, I've been better.
- KAREN: Yeah, yeah.
- I've been better but, you know, I'm making I'm just trying to make ends meet and everything.
These are the guys from the, from the squad.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Yeah.
Sorry for busting in but I guess we got a job to do.
No problem you've got a job to do.
Okay! Let's go, let's go everybody! Alright hands up, hands up, let's go, let's go.
Come on everybody be cool.
I don't want to hear another word.
Seriously though man, it was great to see you.
- It was so good to see you.
- We'll hang out.
Um, Facebook me.
Facebook me.
Oh yeah, I'm tight with her so we need the big guns on.
- There we go.
- ("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh (SOFT CLASSICAL INSTRUMENTAL) (TOOT) (SOFT CLASSICAL INSTRUMENTAL) (CLEARS THROAT) (BRRING) Feel it, feel it, feel it, feel it.
Own it.
Hey titty titty bounce bounce titty titty titty.
I'm going to put those tits on Reddit.
Oh yeah, run big butt, run.
I'd like to toss your salad sweet cheeks.
My lady.
(LIPS SMACKING) Eat your clam moi.
Is it spring already? I didn't expect to see street harassers for another few weeks.
- Uh, they get earlier every year.
- Yep.
- It's global warming.
- It's true.
- Oh my god, TGIF, right.
- Oh wow.
TGIF, I mean, 5 o'clock couldn't come fast enough.
Oh my god tell me about it.
You know what? Hey listen, I brought my car, do you want a lift home? Oh, I would love that, I just want to go home and get drunk.
Oh tell me about it, right? Uh, listen, I just got to pick up a file from Sheila - and I'll meet you downstairs.
- Okay see you downstairs in about five.
- Okay, see you in a second.
- Yeah, sounds good.
Hey girl, you want a drive 'cause I'm going right past your house.
Oh sorry, I would love one, but Bethenny said she'd give me a ride.
Well that's too bad 'cause I've got the heated seats make ya feel like you peed yourself.
Okay, ta, bye.
(BETHENNY'S DISTANT CHATTER) Hey, uh, Bethenny? Bethenny are we gonna Oh sorry, I'm just talking to Doug about Narcos.
Okay, I'm coming.
- Okay, alright, where to? - WOMAN: Bloor and Palmerston.
I just want to go home, kick off my shoes and have a big drink.
Oh, I don't blame you.
I will get you home in a flash.
- Great.
- Just as soon as we pick up my dry cleaning.
Got to get that first, okay.
There we go.
Woo! Alright, now let's get you home.
Awesome, thank you.
Right after I stop at the garden centre.
I just have to give my mom her meds, thyroid, you know how it is.
Anyway it'll be fast unless she's having an episode.
An episode.
Oh, um Look there is a police officer I just have to ask him a quick question, you don't mind do you? Now I'm just going to pull over here and pick a radio station I cannot get one to work.
It's voting day we gotta go in and vote.
Shall we? - I voted at lunch.
- Oh you did? Okay, you know what, it won't take me long it's usually not too busy right after work.
It's when everybody goes.
You don't mind that we're doubling back a bit do you? I forgot we were taking care of Luke's homeroom fish today.
Oh sorry, one sec, I just have to pay my dealer.
Forgot my purse.
You don't mind if I stop for a quick guitar lesson, do ya? (STAMMERING) I I I Got 'em.
It's Luke's birthday tomorrow so I figured while I'm here I may as well get the cake.
Oh it doesn't say his name.
You you gotta go back.
I, you know.
Ugh, I hate left turns, it might take a while.
Just have to make, like, one last stop.
WOMAN: Sure.
No really I've just got to get some money from the bank, okay.
I'll be back in a flash.
Alright hold on for me.
- Whatever.
- Okay, just a second.
(ALARM RINGING) BETHENNY: Start the car! Start the fucking car! WOMAN: The car's running.
BETHENNY: Gun it! Come on! Oh my god, oh! Jesus.
BETHENNY: Let's go, let's go! Are you for real? Okay, I'm going to get you home in like three to four years - just as soon as the heat dies down, okay.
- (SIRENS WAILING) But first, um, we're going to stop at the disguise store.
Oh my god.
Okay, yeah, you're going to need an alias, just got to get a beard or something.
(SIRENS WAILING) (SOFT TRANQUIL MUSIC) Mom, I made you a drawing.
MOM: Oh, that's beautiful.
Oh, that's going right on the fridge.
I love your work, sweetie.
If you're gonna commandeer a vehicle for a high speed chase, try not to make it a school bus! - It's bad.
- You know how many phone calls I got this morning? And then you crash into the orphanage! SITTING OFFICER: He's gotta fire her this time.
And if he doesn't I'm requesting a transfer 'cause I can't take it anymore.
Hey Alison, how did it go in there? Did he take your gun and your badge and everything? Ooh, I can help you clean out your desk.
He's giving me another chance.
Oh, come on, how is that even possible? Yay! STANDING OFFICER: How can the Chief not fire you, you never follow regulations, you're always going rogue.
ALISON: Oh I don't know, I think there's just something about me.
SITTING OFFICER: We're going to need you to stop going rogue.
OFFICER IN WHITE: Yeah if you hadn't gone rogue in the Calhoun case that informant's dog would still be alive.
Oh stop it you.
I just thought that silly little dog.
I thought it was a bomb, what are you telling me that you've never made a drunken mistake? No not on the job Alison, I don't drink on the job.
- You don't? - CHIEF: Alison! It's a major drug bust going down tonight - I want you to lead it.
- Thank you.
- What? - For real? Hey, what can I tell ya, there's just something about her.
Come on Chief this is BS! Chief that's not fair, Alison never follows the rules.
She's always going rogue and yet you give her all the best cases.
Why are the rules different for her? You heard the Chief, I don't know.
I think there's just, oh, something about me.
Like what is it about her? (ANGRY VOICES IN UNISON) CHIEF: Hey.
Hey! That's enough! Calm down! Do I have to remind you all that back in the day I used to let you all go rogue? - And then you - Yeah? CHIEF: Cut your hair and you stopped wearing makeup and youand you you started wearing pants with an elastic waistband.
For god's sake that's a lime green drawstring.
It's really practical.
You can see it in the dark.
CHIEF: I think I've made my point, let's all get back to work.
OFFICER STANDING: What's wrong with my pants? I I I thought this was a nice cut.
So that's it, we're on desk duty forever? (GIGGLING) You know what? I'm just going to like Alison that's not cool.
ALISON: Take my uniform off, ow and I don't know, punch a civilian in the face, ugh, yeah! (GUN FIRING) Hey! Hey! (GUN FIRING) (MOANING) You! ALISON: There's something about me! And clean up that blood! Yeah Chief.
There really is just something about her.
You know what, I'll fill out the paperwork for her.
There's something about that girl.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh geez.
Kylie really went all out.
I know I heard she spent $8,000 on the flowers alone.
And they were handpicked off the mountain in Sound of Music.
- Wow wow wow wow wow.
- Yeah, I know.
Hey listen, thanks again for lending me this dress.
I don't have anything fancy.
You saved me.
Oh my god, no problem at all.
I have a ton of dresses that I only wear once.
And you honestly, you look great.
You look awesome.
Oh my god! (DELIGHTED SCREAMING) (AIR SMOOCHING) Oh, hold the phone, oh my gosh, you look amazing, Oh.
WOMAN IN RED: This dress is fantastic! Thank you.
WOMAN IN RED: You are so welcome! (SIGHS) Well anyway, so I have to go get the bride a Xanax and she doesn't like taking pills so I have to roll it up in prosciutto like I do for my dog.
So I'll see you guys later, be good I'll talk to you afterwards, okay.
- Bye! - Bye! Bye! WOMAN IN LONG DRESS: O-M-G, that groomsman just totally checked me out.
I think it's because of my dress.
It's my dress.
Let's find our seats.
Oh my god, I love that dress.
- That dress? - Yeah.
It's actually mine, - it's my dress.
- Oh.
I just lent it to her.
My dress.
I'm sorry, I just, I have to tell you this, every guy in here every guy is like who is the girl in the dress? Who's the girl in the dress? You look radiant, you really do.
Oh that's so sweet, thank you.
Wow, looks like my dress is a hit, yay! Yay.
You know I wore it, actually I wore it to your wedding last year.
I don't remember you in it but I'm going to remember you, - look at you, stunning, absolutely stunning.
- Thanks.
I've got to tell you, I I really did look stunning in it too 'cause I'm just a little bit taller so it just really hung really well on me.
Anyway, just so that you know whose sort of intellectual taste was behind the dress.
- Oh.
("HERE COMES THE BRIDE") (WHISPERS) Wow, great dress.
(WHISPERS) It's my dress.
My dress.
("HERE COMES THE BRIDE") That's, that's my dress.
The dress that all of you are talking about Is this happening? LINDA: It doesn't actually belong to her it's it's like, it is my dress and I wear it quite successfully it's a great dress, you were right, it is probably the nicest dress in the room.
(GASPS) Wow.
Honestly how often are you going to wear it babe? Yeah that's the point.
Okay you know what, whatever.
It's just this is my dress, sorry about that.
Everyone it is my dress, that's all.
I've said my peace, continue, con-tin-ue.
BRIDE: Thanks.
MINISTER: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union And that was my boyfriend.
BRIDE: Get out, get out.
I put in a few good years that's why he's as good as he is now.
- I told him to grow the beard.
- Dammit.
LINDA: I did, come on! I groomed him for this.
My years to make him who he is, okay.
You're a bad person.
Yeah this is my gift, it was expensive, so.
You're a bitch Linda.
You ruin everything Linda! (GROANING) I'm not ready! I'm not ready, no I'm not ready, stop! Hehehehe woo woo.
You're ready.
The baby's ready.
Hello, I have something ah ah, I've got something, oooh, I need to say, I'm not ready, you know what? When you're pregnant that's when people want to be with you, everyone's so nice to you when you're pregnant, they're so nice.
They offer you snacks.
Oooooh! And here's a goddamn seat, everyone is like, oh you're pregnant, you want this seat? Hehehe, here's a seat, here's a seat, and they tell you that you glow! And then you have a baby and then they hate you, they hate your stroller.
NURSE: Nobody hates you, nobody hates you Lila.
You go in a restaurant, you know what happens? What happens? They hate you, even on a plane and they wish you were dead, they wish you and your crying baby were dead! That's the rest of your life, that's the rest of your life when you have a baby, right there! So I'm good, I got another week left in me.
Thank you for your time, what's your name? It doesn't matter.
What's your name? I don't give a shit.
You know what matters right now, this thing, hello.
I'm not even pregnant.
NURSE: I can see the baby's head.
You can't it's a soba noodle.
Security we have a runner.
We have another hallway birth.
You're the, I think you bite.
Yeah, so last month I almost got in a fist fight with this woman on the subway - 'cause she breathed on my arm.
- Oh.
Anyway, the next day I got my period and I was like, - oh that's what that was about.
- Mhm.
BLONDE WOMAN: I just never know when it's coming, it always takes me by surprise, you think I would have figured it out.
BRUNETTE WOMAN: Oh girl, you should try my tracking app.
- Oh.
- It's amazing.
It tells you when you're due, it keeps track of your moods.
How? Oh it's easy, you just touch the phone and it records your cycle.
- Oh, like this? - No no! With your hands, you touch it with your hands! Oh yeah, you know what, that does make more sense, sorry.
You could have at least used your own phone.
I see that now my bad, my bad.
- (VIBRATING) - Oh um, someone is calling you.
Oh, can you send it to message, I don't want to talk to anybody today.
- (BUZZING) - Yes, done.
Kegels are really paying off.
PINK JACKET: Okay, I'm heading out to the courtyard, I hope I see you ladies there soon.
Yeah yeah, I'll be out in like two seconds, just tidying up.
Sorry to bother you, I'm new here, what's going on? Oh, uh, it's the lottery today, it's, um, the office lottery.
I I love lotteries, how does it work? Oh super easy, everyone puts in five bucks and then we put your name in this black box and if your name gets picked you get stoned to death in the courtyard.
My god, I love it.
I mean, there's just so much opportunity here.
Yeah there really is.
I mean Mike won last week, uh, so he gets stoned to death in about five minutes.
Yay! I'm so excited.
FLORAL JACKET WOMAN: Okay, come with me.
No honestly, if you get stoned to death someone else carries your workload, JANET: You don't have to work again.
Oh the new girl.
- JANET: I'm Janet.
- Hi Janet.
FLORAL JACKET WOMAN: You'll cover my accounts, righ? I mean, I'll cover your accounts.
I never win anything.
This is awesome! FLORAL JACKET WOMAN: Alright, let's do this.
See ya later, freedom 45, woo! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Well, I think I'm going to turn in.
Okay, goodnight.
- You're going to keep reading? - Yeah.
You know that light keeps me awake.
Ugh, well what am I supposed to do? I don't know, maybe try being less insensitive? Maybe try not looking at a screen for thirty seconds of your life.
Oh god, just because you're a luddite who doesn't even know how to work a coffeemaker.
Okay, you know what, stay up all night see if I freakin' care.
- Fine.
- Fine.
You know what? This feels really good, I think we'll take it.
I think so, yeah.
- Yeah? Yay! - I love it.
Ah, this is so good.
You know they say you spend half your life fighting in bed.
- WOMAN: I heard it.
- WOMAN 2: Like officially? WOMAN: Officially I heard it.
WOMAN 2: Oh that's big.
WOMAN: Did you hear officially it's supposed to snow in Toronto? - No I I haven't heard anything - That's official as well.
It's supposed to snow in Montreal.
WOMAN: It's supposed to snow in Toronto as well.
- Toronto and Montreal.
- Toronto and Montreal.
Wow that's big.
Oh, honey.
This is so embarrassing.
WOMAN: Go girl, you just let it out.
- Yeah.
- What? You're a human being with emotions, nothing wrong with showing emotions at an office, you've got a life, sometimes that life, what's it gonna do? It's gonna make you cry.
WOMAN 2: Don't be embarrassed girl, you just cry.
Let it out girl, cry girl.
Girl, cry.
My boyfriend broke up with me last week.
It's tough.
SANDY: He was supposed to come and pick up his stuff tonight and, uh, now he's sending an Uber driver.
- Oh girl, cry.
- Yeah? (IN UNISON) Yeah, you deserve a cry, girl.
(SOBBING) (IN UNISON) Yeah, let it ooouuutttt.
There you go.
Feel better, girl? Thanks.
- WOMAN 2: Good girl.
- I needed that.
WOMAN: Good cry girl.
WOMAN 2: That was a good one.
RED JACKET WOMAN: Should we go with Marianna? Let's give her a call.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry everybody.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
It was just like a really terrible morning.
I couldn't find my keys (GASPS) PINK JACKET WOMAN: Oh, honey.
- It's alright.
- Oh, girl.
You wanna cry, cry it out, girl.
STRIPED SHIRT WOMAN: I can see it there, there it is.
Come on I want to see it, cry girl, there she is, there's the cry girl.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) You guys have changed the game for me and I cannot thank you enough.
(IN UNISON) What do you mean? SANDY: You have just released me.
now I'm just accepting, you know, that we're all human beings and we have a range of emotions and it is okay to struggle.
(IN UNISON) It is.
It's okay.
(IN UNISON) You go girl! PINK SUIT WOMAN: Sandy you still haven't turned in that report from last week and then I got a call from a client asking why you were crying on the phone.
I'm going to need you to step it up.
Honestly girl, there are good times to cry and bad times, this is a bad time to cry.
- Bad time.
- Not in front of her.
WHITE SHIRT WOMAN: No, girl no cry, girl no cry, girl no cry.
Show that you can keep it together.
It's too late.
Oh girl, what's going on girl? I got fired.
Why? I cried too much.
(SOBBING) You cry girl, you earned this one girl.
- SANDY: Yeah? - Yeah.
You're allowed to cry again.
WHITE BLOUSE WOMAN: Now's the time girl, go ahead, girl.
(LOUD SOBBING) - Ahhhh, yeah, cry, girl.
- It's okay, girl.
Do you need me to call you an Uber, girl? I don't want an Uber! DARK JACKET WOMAN: I'm sorry.
Why would you bring that up? We'll get back to our, yeah.
JENNIFER: Decaf Americano.
- Sure can I get your name? - Jennifer.
Decaf Americano for Denver.
Ah no, it's Jennifer.
BARISTA: A decaf Americano for Denver.
(BOOM) Oh, uh, my name is Jennif Oh, you know what, I'm going to be late for work - I've gotta - (FUN ENERGETIC POP MUSIC) WOMAN: Hey, look at yourself, you're Denver now.
(GASPS) You're right.
I'm Denver now.
(GASPS) (IN UNISON) It's Denver.
What are you doing here Denver? You don't even work here Denver.
Denver, you work on the beach.
I do.
Denver, your boyfriend Almand owns a private beach and you have your own pottery studio there.
I do.
(FUN ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC) JENNIFER: You ladies can kiss my perfect pink asshole, Denver out.
How did I get so lucky? Artisanal potter and a Rhodes scholar.
- (GRRR) - (GASPS) FRIENDS: Heyyyyyy! AMELIE: Yo girl, it's your girl Amelie, I invented rosé.
I'm Wimberley.
I'm a tattoo artist and an Instagram star.
I have eight boyfriends and a wife named Tamby.
Hi, I'm Tamby.
Wow, guys, Frosés for everyone, lets party.
Wooooo! (FUN DANCE MUSIC) Who wants some delicious coffees? (IN UNISON) I do! Yeah! (FUN DANCE MUSIC) BARISTA: Coffees up for Wimberly, Amelie, Denver, Tamby and Almand.
Noooo! Uh, sorry, this is supposed to be a soy latte.
Milk gives me nosebleeds.
(SIGHS) I'm such a goddamn Alan.
Shut up.

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