Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

Tonight is Spaghetti Thursday

1 Mm.
Okay let me show you, okay so I got this tattoo to remind me to always be true to myself.
And I got this tattoo to remind me that no matter how bad shit gets, - you just have to laugh.
- Yeah.
And then I got this one to remind me to always trust myself.
I got this one so I remember to breathe.
Oh I forgot to get that Oh.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, Running in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey, Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh SIENNA: Oh my god, this Wild Fest is going to be the best ever.
- Yeah.
- Woo! You know what, I heard that they almost booked Robin for the main stage.
- Robin? - Yes.
- Almost.
- Wow.
I hear it's only going to rain three out of the four days, so.
- Amazing.
- Yeah.
I heard the food truck has something called, nacho risotto ball sundaes, like, so extra, I hear there's a Ziploc bag full of LSD in my vagina.
No I didn't hear it, I put it in and I sealed it tight.
- You're so smart.
You're so smart.
- Thank you.
GREETER: Hey guys welcome to Wild Fest.
What kind of package would you like to buy? Um, what are our options? GREETER: Well, for $400 you can buy the premium package this gets you access to a secret bathroom on the other side of the grounds that only like, three or four hundred people know about.
- Do you have anything like more expensive? - Yeah.
I'm just looking to spend a little bit more money.
For sixty bucks more you can get the VIP Platinum package and with this package you get this lanyard that says VIP Platinum and access to the beer tent that is selling two types of beer.
(GASPS) Sienna, it's two types of beer.
- That's amazing.
- SIENNA: Okay, yeah let's do it.
That's the one.
Do you first.
Take a picture of that, okay you guys are set.
What is that one? GREETER: Well this is our Platinum Cruiser package.
For $700 you can get in my friend Dan's car, that's parked right over there, and he will drive you to your home.
It's the best package we have.
Wait a minute, so if I pay more than them I can go home, sleep in my own bed and no one will barf near me? Yes that's correct.
And it includes three original photos that you can post on social media so it makes it look like you were here the whole time.
- (GASPS) Sold.
- What? Come on, you're such a Sucks to be you bitches.
Oh, there you go.
Okay, well, we can just go find a dry patch of grass for the tent.
SIENNA: I guess so.
Does this pass come with Lyme disease? Oh Lyme disease is extra.
Oh, okay.
BARISTA: Vanilla latte.
WOMAN: Oh sorry.
- WOMAN: No I'm sorry.
- Is that yours? - I don't know, is that - I don't know.
- I'm not sure, you know what? - I'm really sorry.
You take it.
I'll get the next one.
- Really? - Yeah.
Thank you, that's really nice of you.
Oh of course.
Yeah, um, I, I haven't really ever seen you around in here.
Do you, um Do you come here often or? Oh that's a line but I like it.
- No, it's good.
I'm so sorry.
- I can't believe I said that.
I'm, I'm at the, god I'm an idiot.
I'm at a medical conference across the street.
- I'm a surgeon.
- Oh wow that's hot.
Thank you.
I said that too, out loud, okay.
You have such a nice smile, are you? You're a model.
Am I? No.
That was terrible, that was bad.
(IN UNISON) Um So do you want to go for a drink? That's awkward.
I just, I'm not used to doing that in person.
- Yeah.
I know, it's on - Normally it's on this.
Here maybe we can see SURGEON: How do we uh Let's match 'cause this way we will find each other.
And how do we match? - Are you on Tinder? - Um, yeah.
SURGEON: 'Cause I still can't find you.
WHITE JACKET WOMAN: No I know, I'm looking.
(IN UNISON) Just trying to match, we're going to match.
- And then it's going to be great.
- It's gonna be so good.
SURGEON: Are you on o you have Bumble? Um, no I don't.
I can download it though.
You should download the Bumble.
I will download the Bumble and then We keep trying to match and hopefully the next few months We get to go out.
Yeah that would be great, then we, we match.
- Okay.
- Okay.
This is great.
This is great.
It was so nice that - I will find you.
- I will find you.
No, not if I find you first.
- Okay.
Fingers crossed.
- Fingers crossed.
- Okay.
- Yes.
SURGEON: Keep swiping.
It's so hard to meet people in this city.
SURGEON: Have you downloaded it yet? Yes it's got a great finish, it's got a wonderful mouth feel and it goes down smooth and the wine's great too.
Anyway, those are all our mid-price Merlots.
Oh, and since you're going to a housewarming party here's something a little special, - this is a preserving agent.
- Ah.
If you have a left over half bottle you just spray it inside and it will keep it fresh for up to ten days.
Okay well, where, um where do I get that? Oh you can buy it right here, 12.
Oh no no no, I mean the, uh, the half bottle of wine, where do I, where do I get that? CLERK: Oh well if you've had part of a bottle of wine, say one or two glasses, but you can't finish it Um, I'm sorry I don't I don't follow.
Well if you're on your own or something.
Mhm, okay.
So you can't drink the whole bottle.
Why? Because it's just you Just me, exactly.
- Okay, I'm so sorry.
- I'm sorry.
CUSTOMER: No I'm sorry, Okay, sorry, just walk me through this.
Okay we'll start at the beginning.
- So I have this bottle of wine.
- Yes.
And I drink it.
Well in this case as I mentioned, you don't drink all of it, some of the wine remains, remains in the bottle.
- Ooooh I'm so sorry.
- No.
That was me.
Oh I get it, okay, okay, okay.
It's okay.
So I have this bottle of wine and I don't drink all of it.
Okay, right away.
I wait until the stupid kids have gone to bed and then I get my husband out of the house.
I have him walk the dog or something stupid like that.
I put on Showgirls and then of course when the kids come downstairs because they've woken up - I take this can - Uh-huh.
And I spray it all over the room - to make them think that they're dreaming.
- (COUGHING) And then I, I send them back upstairs to go to bed and then I drink more wine? Yeah that's it.
You know what? How 'bout I just sell you a second bottle and, uh, we'll call it a day.
Well sell me a case and we'll call it a week.
It's right over in the corner there.
I was never here.
(SOFT ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL) What a beautiful night.
Sure is.
Not as beautiful as you.
I don't I don't know, I've just, I've never been this happy before.
Do I make you happy too? More than anything.
Well would you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me for a little bit? Oh my god.
Yes! Yes! I will be your first wife.
("WEDDING MARCH") Lisa when I first met you I knew you were the only woman I want to spend the next several years of my life with.
I promise to love you, and honour you like a queen for the rest of however long we feel like giving this a go.
Jeff you are the only man for me at this point.
I want to grow middle-aged with you at least.
Lisa do you take Jeff to be your lawfully wedded husband for a spell? I do.
And Jeff do you take Lisa to be your lawfully wedded wife for as long as you can handle it? I do.
Jeff you may now kiss your first wife.
He's gone.
We never even got a chance to get a divorce.
It was, um, God's will my child.
But trust that you will be reunited in heaven.
- For a bit.
- I mean, for a bit.
Oh yeah, like a year or two, not all of eternity.
- That's up to you.
- No no no, no no no.
Like, maybe a week.
Heaven's a busy place.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh BILLY: Hey dude, dude dude dude dude dude, You gotta check it out.
Whoa! Whoa bro man, like, that is like a real cutie man.
BILLY: Check this out.
- Check it out.
- Okay.
Hey sweetie.
Hey sweetie, you got a little smile for me? Hey, hey baby, hey baby, why don't you smile for me baby, come on, come on, give me a little smile, what's the matter? What's the matter? Come on just a little one.
Give me a little smile.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- DONNY: Come on baby.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Hey you got a little smile, you got a smile for Billy? DONNY: Dude, dude she just smiled at me.
Did you see that? She smiled right at me.
Ah so cute I want to eat those toes.
I'm going to eat those toes.
Ah man, Donny, Donny, you're going to make such a great dad someday man.
Ah man, we're going to make great dads both of us, man.
Yeah I just gotta I gotta meet the right person.
I have already.
Who? (GRUNT) (MOAN) (HEAVY BREATHING) WOMAN: No! Oh! I'm going to give you a choice, (A) I can keep hitting you until you give me the information.
(B) I can just shoot you right now.
Or (C) you can walk out that door a free woman.
Ah, C? You sure about that? Yeah, yeah.
I know that.
Well okay.
(SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) Oh no, no no no, please please please, no, ah, ah (GASPS).
After you.
I was just really hoping she'd choose A, you know.
Yeah yeah you you really got to work on, uh, you know, communicating what you need otherwise, you know, you're never going to get what you want.
I know.
I mean, I know she's not a mind reader it's just- No, it takes like ten thousand hours to be a pro.
BLONDE: Exactly.
BOSS: Okay deadline check in time.
Andrea where are we at? I am almost done my opinion piece on the word tomboy and its effect on the gender identity of little girls.
BOSS: Okay, fantastic.
Shya? Oh, I'm writing a response piece decrying her opinion piece as misguided and dangerous.
Okay, fantastic.
Bev what do you have for me? I'm writing an open letter to my newborn daughter.
Ah disgusting, I love it.
Colby? I'm writing a response piece to the open letter from the viewpoint of the newborn daughter writing an open letter to her mother.
Oh, love it, fantastic.
COLBY: The piece is mostly goos and gahs it's pre-verbal.
Okay Shya, can you write me an open letter to the open letter that Colby's writing in the voice of her newborn daughter addressing the response piece to Andrea's tomboy opinion piece but can you do it in the voice of that voice on the show "The Voice".
I've already done it, hun.
Love you.
And Bev, finally, can you just write me A response piece to Shya's piece.
Ah no, no actually, just like a (CLEARS THROAT) just a cheque for twenty bucks, I'm a bit short on cash right now.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Sorry they don't pay us much at the blog.
Yeah, I get it.
BOSS: Appreciate it.
BEV: Are you going to pay me back this time? Just got a couple things to do.
Hey, I just covered up a huge pimple, can you tell? - Not at all.
- Oh good.
Um, I'm wearing Spanx, can you tell? Nope, totally invisible.
Wooo, I just had a, uh, good old cry in the bathroom, can you tell? Oh, not even a little bit.
I claimed my cat as a dependent on my taxes, can you tell? No.
But great idea.
Guys, I am sleeping with the boss, can you tell? - Ah no, you've nailed it.
- Oh.
Good work.
I stay up late at night stalking my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and I take pictures of them and I take those pictures and I throw them in the fire and I watch them burn while I binge eat Cheetos.
Can you tell? Uh, a little bit.
Oh, really.
Maybe if you put your hair up.
- Oh yeah that's better.
- Much better, looks great.
(MUTUAL AGREEMENT IN UNISON) CRAZY HAIR WOMAN: Do you guys want a Cheeto? - I'm, I'm okay for now.
- I'm going to pass.
Yeah, hard pass, thanks.
So they named the baby Dragon and they never heard from the therapist again.
What? - That is crazy, bananas.
- It's crazy.
Thanks for dinner.
- Oh you're welcome.
- How was it? Oh it's great, thank you so much.
Yeah, really nice, thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Oh I almost forgot my card.
Well what's next for you ladies? Uh, next? Yeah, where are you headed now? It's after eight pm.
Right, so what's the next event after this? Gonna hit up a bar? Maybe see some live music, dance.
No no, I'm going home.
It's like bedtime in half an hour.
- After this.
- After this.
Imagine we just left here and we did something? After this? (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) After this, after this.
(LAUGHING) - After this.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's too good.
After this.
WHITE SHIRT WOMAN: Let's do some Ecstasy after this.
Goof balls, we'll do some goof balls, we'll do, do a bunch of coke and dance on bars after this.
Ah ahhh! BLACK SHIRT WOMAN: Oh my gosh.
Ah ah ah alright, should we go? Oh yeah it's 8:05, we should probably head back.
Yeah yeah, okay.
Well, see ya in another six months.
Okay, see ya.
I can't wait to tell Frank about this one.
After this.
Facebook status update.
After this.
WHITE SHIRT WOMAN: Yeah stay out after this.
Oh, shit I'm drunk.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh It's a beautiful day.
What a lovely morning.
WOMAN ON RIGHT: Shall we head to the shops? WOMAN ON LEFT: I would love to head to the shops.
FRANTIC WOMAN: Oh my god! Oh my god! It's happened! Ah, it's really happened! How did this happen? How did this happen?! Wait, was the government overthrown? Why are you in these bonnets? Who forced you?! Who forced you to wear the bonnets? (IN UNISON) Anna Wintour.
(IN UNISON) In her name.
WOMAN ON RIGHT: Shall we head to the shops? To the shops.
Sorry I couldn't hear you before, the bonnet.
- What shops? - Makes it difficult.
Which shops did you go to? Gigi it's Marigold, are you near the shops? Okay, you need to go in and get me a bonnet.
I've got a larger circumference than most people.
I don't know, I have very large eyes.
- REPORTER: If you guys are ready? - BEV: Are you ready? SARAH: Do I have too much gloss on? Just relax be yourselves, you'll be great.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And in 5,4 The landscape of the modern family has changed so much in the last few years.
Bev, Sarah, your family is actually on the leading edge of this change.
JARED: Baaaa baaaaa! Jared! (JARED SCREAMING) Come on, settle down buddy.
Love him.
Love him.
We both love Jared.
Oh, ow, buddy.
Come on, come on, yeah love Jared, good kid.
Good kid.
Now what makes your story so interesting is that you're both parenting Jared but you're not a romantic couple.
That's right.
Well, uh REPORTER: So you're taking a very open approach to parenting? We're co-parenting but we're not a couple.
Yeah but we, uh, we do spend an awful lot of time together.
But it's it's not romantic time? No, not at all.
Well, sure, so - Ow, uh, Jared, come on buddy.
- Jared.
Come on buddy.
Now Bev, how did you come to be in Sarah's life? BEV: Sarah and I had an instant connection, um SARAH: Bev was at the house a lot.
BEV: Well, you know, I wasn't there a lot I wouldn't say.
SARAH: She was just always there at the house.
Yeah, I wouldn't say always, I wasn't always there.
Quite a bit.
Yeah, you know, every once in a while.
SARAH: Five or six nights a week.
Well where there's a will there's a way.
And so are you co-habitating at the moment? That's the thing, you don't have to live together to co-parent.
BEV: Yeah, I mean, I um, I chose to just pitch a tent just back here.
Yeah just keep a tent right close to the house.
SARAH: She's the outdoorsy type.
But even with all this, there's no romantic connection whatsoever? SARAH: There doesn't have to be.
I mean you don't need to be romantically involved to be a family and parent and I think that's what society needs to understand.
You know, but, uh, some romance, you know, some day could be nice.
Like we're partners in parenting but we're not, not in love.
But, you know, but there is some love there.
Hey, that's a present for your mom! SARAH: I'm always like Bev why don't you get out there, get out there and date, do it.
And so I have her on Tinder and I put her on OkCupid, - Snatchchat.
- Ah.
BEV: We're not, we're not dating, wouldn't do that.
I I have a date tonight actually.
REPORTER: Oh, would you like to talk about that? - Sure.
- Uh, tonight? Uh, tonight is, um, Spaghetti Thursday.
It'll be Spaghetti Thursday for you and Jared I'm going to go out with Alison.
Alison? Um.
REPORTER: Well, you've sold me.
Co-parenting, no romance, on behalf of the whole country congratulations.
- Okay.
- No matter what, it's you and me.
- Thank you.
- Boop.
REPORTER: Well there you have it, family redefined, it's a brave new world for this real life modern family.
It really works for us.
Yeah, I mean Alison though, what's that? Jared come on buddy! Come on, I've got to sleep there tonight.
REPORTER: Back to you in the studio Dale.
What'll it be? Answers.
I'm Detective Diesel, this is my partner.
Detective Hardcrack.
DETECTIVE DIESEL: You know anything about a dancer named - Blaster Meadwell? - No.
This ring any bells? Sure.
It's Angel Steel, dances nights.
DETECTIVE DIESEL: Not anymore, unless the dead can dance.
Detective Hardcrack What can you tell us about Angel? Not much, nice kid, single dad.
You, uh, mind if we go talk to the peelers? (SLOW DANCE MUSIC) Hey, (CLICKING) sweet cheeks, take a look at this.
Yeah that's the new kid.
Hey Romeo, you're friends with Angel.
Yeah, but I haven't seen him in a few days though.
Why? He's dead.
DETECTIVE DIESEL: Angel have any trouble lately, any regulars that got too friendly? Look I don't want any trouble.
I'm just working to put myself through actuary school.
DETECTIVE HARDCRACK: Save us the sob story kid, we think there's a serial killer targeting the dancers here at Dinxxx and with your looks and your figure, you could be next.
That how you want to end up? Glittery and dead? Is it? Is it? DETECTIVE DIESEL: Easy Hardcrack, look you're scaring the poor boy.
Sorry Diesel, Bobby left me this morning, he took the ferrets.
DETECTIVE DIESEL: Listen sweetheart, you remember anything you call me, even if you don't, call me.
Mmm, what can I say, dudes dig Detective Diesel.
(CHUCKLES) That they do.
Alright gentlemen, thank you for your time, we will be back with a warrant.
(SLOW DANCE MUSIC) Shame, cute kid.
Great dinger.

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