Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

Don't Even Say Goodbye Just Go

1 Your mouth is so pretty today what's your secret? Oh it's this new lip gloss I just got called snake bite, just really plumps things up.
I love it.
WOMAN #1: Interesting.
I have this amazing dermatologist who practices holistic solutions.
WOMAN #1: Diane? Oh, I just have like really bad allergies.
WOMAN #1: Oh.
Excuse me, can I get some shellfish and maybe some peanut butter with this? Thank you.
Oh, do you want - DIANE: I need help.
- Yeah.
DIANE: I can't get it in my hole.
WOMAN #1: Wonderful.
You're so brave to eat.
Thank you.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh (SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) I hope everyone understands that everything we discuss here tonight does not leave this room.
CHANTAL: If we get caught this is an act of treason.
I have more to lose than any of you.
Yes we're all aware of the risks.
Amelia, what's your Intel? Well, we know that she's ordered bottle service at a club over here and then she's going to take us across town to the Slippery Dick strip club over here.
CHANTAL: Why are we still celebrating her birthday? Why? No one gets a full month, no one! We should have stopped her when she insisted on birthday week.
Goddamnit! If we pull out now we're no longer her friends.
If we stay we have to do everything she wants until this month is over.
CHANTAL: I'm telling her.
I'm out! AMELIA: Stop her! You bail on this birthday and you put us all in jeopardy, you know that we all pitched in for her Soda Stream, you want her to pitch in for your Soda Stream - when your birthday comes along? - Yes.
- When ours all come along? - Yes.
Well then you sit the eff down.
Amelia's right, we just have to make it through this month.
UMA: This time is birthday month, - next year she turns the big 4-0.
- Ugh.
She's planning on making it a birthday year.
No! It's not a good time.
She has to be stopped.
Commencing Operation Ghost.
Uma, you're dating someone right? Oh, dating is strong word, we are hanging out, seeing where it goes.
Listen to me! You've got to bite that bullet, you tell her that you're in a new relationship and you just don't have time to focus on her right now.
Chantal, your aunt just died.
No! No! No no no no, it's a pretend aunt.
Oh, sorry, yes.
Put your foot out.
- Why? - Do it quick.
What, why? Ahhh! No it's the only way, Amelia's a terrible liar.
No it's true, I I can't keep my story straight.
KYLIE: Guys, the escape room is over, everyone is already at Jack Astor's, come on! This is your chance, run.
- Kylie.
- Yeah! I hurt my foot I have to go.
KYLIE: Oh no, that's sad.
My aunt just died.
KYLIE: Oh, I'm sorry.
I have boyfriend.
KYLIE: Yeah, okay, go tend to him.
Well it looks like it's just you and me, kid.
Oh my god, this is the beginning of such a beautiful friendship.
Right, we're going to have sex on the beach then we're going to have sex on the beach! Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I'm gonna drink so much and I'm going to take my clothes off, yeah yeah.
Yeah, so I thought I'd maybe get a new pair of shoes.
- Well that'd be nice.
- Yeah.
What colour do you want? Oh my god, Jess! (IN UNISON) Hiiii! How's it going? - Good, how are you? - It's nice seeing you.
Is this your mom? - This is my mom.
- Oh wow, Mrs.
Thompson pleasure to meet you my name's Jess.
- Hi Jess.
- Oh Mom, this is my lesbian friend I was telling you about, remember? - Okay.
- Yeah.
JESS: Oh, well, I'm a friend from work who is Yeah, my lesbian friend from work.
Lesbian friend from work.
Okay, ah, oh I'm so sorry I didn't realize we were doing introductions based on who we have sex with.
Fun game.
Okay, ah, Mrs.
Thompson - you know Elly - Yes.
But, uh, maybe you didn't know she mostly dates guys - who look exactly like her dad.
- Oh.
I mean I think it's weird but, uh, you raised her so, what ya gonna do? See you at work, gotta run, nice meeting you.
Well darling, your father really is very handsome, you know.
Let's shop.
ELLY: Yeah, I think I'm going to put a big dent in my credit card.
WOMAN #1: Aw, look at this one.
(GASPS) Look at the cutie! So cute.
Look at your cute face.
Look at your cute face, oh I just want to eat him.
(EXAGGERATED CHOMPING SOUNDS) Who's a lover? Who's a little lover? WOMAN #2: Little lover is so cute.
I love, I've got some cute pictures of puppies and Oh not now Nina.
How do they get their hair so perfect? Did you guys want to go for lunch later? I know this great they have Italian sandwiches.
If you cross an Ewok with a puppy you get look, look, look, look, look.
(COOING) WOMAN #2: Look at this guy, he's got a friend.
Oh, there's one.
Hey guys, what ya doing? (GASPS) Oh, I've got to go.
- Oh my god! - What? - What is happening? - Get over here.
So cute.
Who's a little cutie? - I think it's you.
- Who's a little cutie? - I think it's you.
- What do you want to do? - I think it's you.
- Look at you.
How did you get your hair that thick? Hey guys, do you want to go get a bite to eat? - Oh, not now, Hailey.
- No thanks.
Oh, look at her little tongue.
Am I going to give you a steak.
SECURITY OFFICER: Okay so you're free to go.
(BEEPING) SECURITY OFFICER: Do you consent to a search of your person? Uh, yeah.
SECURITY OFFICER: Arms out please.
(SIGHS) You know what I'm going to ask you, don't you? Where did I get my boots? - Yes they're great.
- I know, I know.
I got them at this outlet mall, like, north of Yorkville.
- I have to go there.
- Thank you.
Oh, well they are just fantastic.
Ah thanks, yeah, I feel good about them.
- You should.
- Oh.
You don't care that there's a knife in them? Let's go in the room.
Right, okay, why did I say that? SECURITY OFFICER: I don't know, but it was really dumb.
I was going to let you go too.
- Oh this room, okay.
- Mhm.
(SIGHS) What up girl, you seem super quiet today? I got a message from my mom this morning.
- Our dog Max died.
- Oh.
I mean, he was super old so it was not unexpected.
But, you know, I'm just a little sad.
I'm sorry.
I had a dog, my parents sent him to the farm.
Ah, you know what that means.
What? It means he died.
No it doesn't it means that there are people with a big property where my dog can run around.
Well my grandmother retired there as well.
Your grandmother retired to a farm? Yeah.
She's dead.
What? No I get postcards from her all the time.
You have to know that your mom is sending those.
What are you talking about? Okay listen, there's this guy Mike in high school he was in a really terrible auto accident so they sent him to a farm to recuperate.
Okay everybody in this story is dead, they're all dead.
No! Oh my god okay okay, look, sweetie, death is a part of life, we are surrounded by death at all times.
People die, pets die, this beautiful leather jacket that you're wearing, that came from cows that are dead.
Cows aren't dead, okay, they're alive on the farm in the country.
Oh my god, there's no farm, there's no farm, have you not ever heard the expression, he bought the farm? Nobody bought the farm, nobody moved to the farm, there is no farm, they're just fucking dead.
- What? - Yeah.
(HONKING) ADELE: Hey, Grandma, Mike, Sparky! Adele, sweetie, hop in the papers' all got signed, we bought the farm! The one we've all been living on, come on! That's so good, yay! See.
Sorry about your dog but you have to get some help.
Yay, hi.
I invited my friend but she's so depressing.
Hey Mom, yeah, uh, remember when you left me that message this morning about Max.
Um, is it, uh, is it at all possible that he's maybe on a farm? No.
He's dead, okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (FAST PACED DRAMATIC MUSIC) - Oh sorry about that.
- It's okay.
No problem.
Ah, I will get it this time.
Hold on here we go, there we go.
There we go.
- Uh - Sorry.
Can't catch it in your hands.
Oh there we go, oh.
Hey guys, so I guess this is it.
We are going to miss you so much.
Oh, seriously, it's been so nice getting to know you.
It's nice hanging out with you.
- Oh, we're going to miss you.
- Yeah, we are.
We are.
I'm gonna miss you guys, Mwuah, mwuah.
- (KISSING SOUNDS) - Honestly, like this city is not going to be the same without you.
MAN: Oh no, are you guys leaving town? Oh no, we're having a baby.
Oh damn.
Okay, it was really nice knowing you.
- Nice knowing you.
- It honestly was.
- Bye.
- Good luck.
Good luck.
We'll never see you again.
- Wow.
- Wow.
MOM: Hey, I'm heading out.
Oh, you guys are doing the stairs game, that's great.
Okay, so I'll be at the Spoke Club for drinks for a few hours and then we're going to the Opera afterwards so I should be reachable if anything goes wrong, there's food in the fridge.
Netflix is all set up so you can watch whatever you like.
DIANE: It's going to be great, as soon as Saturn goes to bed I'm just going to do my adult colouring book, it's Game of Thrones, I'm on the red wedding page, so.
- Sounds good.
- Okay.
Saturn you want to sing a song? Remember this one, it goes, the inky binky spider goes up the mountain spout down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Um, Diane, I'm I'm sorry to interrupt, what's what's that song you're singing? Oh, we're singing the inky binky spider.
Oh, the itsy bitsy spider.
Ah, yeah, I know it as inky binky.
What is inky binky? It's just like the spider it's small, it's inky binky.
Itsy bitsy spider, 'cause you know itsy bitsy means small.
Itsy bitsy, I never heard of that actually.
Really? You're kidding come on, you know its like, the itsy bitsy spider went up the mountain spout Okay that's another thing, um, what do you mean by that 'cause, you know, what's a what's a mountain spout? 'Cause it's it's water spout.
Oh, I don't know, maybe I I didn't learn it the same way you did, Mrs.
Bunyan, sorry if I'm not getting it right, it's just the way I know the song.
It's my truth, the one I learned.
Well, you know, I just I don't want Saturn to learn the wrong nursery rhymes.
MOM: No because it's it's water spout and there's no such thing as a mountain spout.
I'm sure there's a mountain spout.
MOM: No, but there is such a thing as a water spout and that's what the itsy bitsy spider went up, okay.
Water spout.
MOM: Yes, exactly.
Water spout, okay.
Out came the sun and washed out all the rain - and the inky binky - Yeah that is another thing, I'm sorry, I'm just a little bit nervous because you're the babysitter and I'm leaving my precious child with you and you're a stranger and you DIANE: I have a five star rating.
Okay, but you just sang out came the sun and washed out all the rain.
The sun it doesn't wash anything out, it's heat from outer space.
Sorry, I said it the wrong way, the dryness rays of the sun is what I mean, it's like whooo it's just going to dry it with the dryness rays, yeah, the dryness rays.
- Okay get out, get out.
- But I'm just Get out, no no you're not babysitting my child, I'm sorry.
- Why? - Now just get out of my house, 'cause you know what, if you can't get this right, you're not going to get anything right.
I'm going to come home Saturn is going to be in the oven.
Wow, that is like super elitist, okay.
MOM: No, no, it's just it's just reality.
- DIANE: Bye Saturn.
- Don't even say goodbye just go.
DIANE: What? Just get out, out, out of my house.
- DIANE: Okay.
- I'm not going to the opera.
I'm going to stay home tonight.
You're still going to pay me, right? MOM: Yes.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, nope, bye.
Ah, we're safe now.
Binky, binky.
Shut up! Oh Mommy is so sorry.
(POP MUSIC) - Here you go.
- Hey.
Are you having fun? Not really.
Yeah, kinda like, I always come to these things I'm hoping that I can meet someone.
Oh, I can help you out there.
- Really? - Yeah yeah, watch this.
Oh my god! I can't believe you've never seen Die Hard! (UPBEAT FUN MUSIC) Whoa.
You've never seen Die Hard? Sorry, did she say you've never seen Die Hard? That's insane! Ah, well, my lady, I would love to show you Die Hard for the first time.
Take him up on that offer.
What's what's so great about Die Hard? Oh yippee kiye.
It is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
The greatest Christmas movie of all.
Gentlemen, she's also never seen Indiana Jones.
What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you kidding me? Oh shit.
Holy fuck.
- Hi I need the uh - Yeah, in the back.
- Okay.
- Yep.
- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
Yeah, outta my way.
(SIGHS) Okay.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh SHORT BRUNETTE: It's a great turnout.
I'm so happy you could make it.
I mean, I absolutely love Charlotte Klineburg.
Oh I love her.
She's so innovative.
I mean, the work that she's doing with the menstruating body is unlike any other artist that I've ever seen actually.
Never never has been anyone like her.
Where does the mural go? What mural? The one she's going to paint with her period blood? Where will that go? No no no, this is it, she's just going to sit there quietly.
So you're telling me she just, she has her period with the blood and everything and then she just keeps it to herself? Yeah.
SHORT BRUNETTE: The diva cup though, she's going to fill it right to the top, she's gonna take that diva cup and she's gonna be like, waaaaa and she's gonna dump it all over the bed she was broken up in.
And be like, how could you? No.
No that's just it, she's not going to do anything like that.
She's getting something out of her pocket.
SHORT BRUNETTE: A fallopian tube, no it's a yogurt.
She's having a snack.
TALL WOMAN: Says it's, uh, like a coconut yogurt.
Is her blood in it? Is her period blood in it? - Eggs? - No.
Just milk cultures.
She found it in the fridge.
SHORT BRUNETTE: She's a bit, she's a bit hungry, Wow, look at her.
Oh here she goes, this is it, this is where she bleeds.
She's going to bleed on the blanket and she's going to twist it and drain it and drench herself like a shower of blood.
No that's what's so exciting, she's just covering her shoulders 'cause she's chilly.
- That is something.
- She's bundling up.
No that is something.
- I think I know.
- What? - SHORT BRUNETTE: Oh oh oh.
- There it goes.
SHORT BRUNETTE: I've been waiting for this, oh it's a tampon, here she goes, here we go, squirt it, squeeze it, spray it.
She's gonna Now watch this, this is unlike anything any artist has ever done, SHORT BRUNETTE: Tell me.
TALL WOMAN: She's going to the bathroom and she's going to change it in private.
Wow, she is so cool.
She is so cool.
SAL: Need some help with that? PAT: Why is this so hard to get? I don't know, maybe your teeth aren't sharp enough.
- Oh god.
Kersplowski again.
She is tenacious.
- Can you get that? - No I cannot.
- I'm busy with my sucker.
- Oh, come on I did it last time.
Please please please please please please, do it for me.
- You owe me.
- I do.
I owe you.
Hey Cheryl, how's it going, girl? CHERYL: Hey Pat, how's it going? How are the kids? PAT: Good.
Patricia there she got rid of the verruca, and Diane got into college, she's taking accounting, did you get your hair cut last week? CHERYL: Ah no, listen, I'm just calling to check on the progress of the investigation into my rape four years ago.
PAT: Oh, 11:29 right on time, every time, actually, you're always a little bit earlier on a Tuesday.
CHERYL: Just wondering if there's any progress, you know, maybe you nudged that rape kit a little bit closer to a testing facility, maybe it fell off a shelf into a lab.
PAT: You are so funny.
I love our little chats.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm just going to pop you on hold for a second.
CHERYL: No no no no no, don't you do that because the last time you did that you just hung up on me.
PAT: Well Cheryl, I think you're gonna wanna be on hold because I changed the hold music for you, a little sexy jazzy, something I think you'll really like.
I don't want to hear anything sexy right now actually.
PAT: Listen to this, click.
(SCATTING) - CHERYL: Pat? - Yeah, I mean, ka ka boom CHERYL: Hey Pat, Pat I know it's you.
Yeah, yeah, okay, I've got to be clear with you, there's no federal law mandating the tracking and testing of rape kits, okay, so that's really hard on Sal and I.
So our hands are kind of tied.
That sounds awful.
PAT: Oh it is, it's awful.
Oh my god, do you know what else is awful? Oh god, I feel like you're going to say being raped.
CHERYL: Being raped.
Being raped is awful Pat.
I would just really love it if you could just check on the status of my rape kit.
PAT: Yeah I can check on your file.
Thank you.
PAT: Sal, can you hand me a file please.
Oh I'm checking on files.
PAT: There it is, oh there's so many files that we're going through, oh there's Maureen's file and there's Holly's Hey Pat, I I think the names are probably confidential, you probably shouldn't be saying those to me.
There's no guidelines so there's no guidelines, shhh, shhh, shhh Hello? Connection - Hello? - Connection.
CHERYL: I'm still right here Pat, so are you.
PAT: Okay, let's just look at your file, and the file says, unfounded.
Unfounded? Yes ma'am, unfounded.
CHERYL: (CHUCKLES) Did you know that one in seven sexual assault claims brought to police are deemed unfounded.
That seems high.
CHERYL: Can you imagine that many unfounded murders? PAT: Oh my gosh, that would never happen Cheryl 'cause murders are like a serious business.
CHERYL: Do you know what unfounded means, Pat? What does unfounded mean, Cheryl? It means you think I'm lying.
PAT: Come on honey, we're all friends here.
CHERYL: No we're not.
Can I talk to your supervisor please.
You want to speak to my supervisor.
I feel like, well let me just, you need to check yourself that's right, you need to check yourself and I'm going to call you when we have some worthwhile information.
Okay, well, thank you very much officer, I'm sure you are all doing your best.
Oh my god.
I'm sorry.
Doing our best.
Doing our best.
That just came out automatically.
Oh no, you've gotta laugh, Hun, you've gotta laugh.
PAT: Okay well, I'll talk to you tomorrow, sweetheart.
Yes, yeah, actually you will.
Oh my god, do you know where the scissors are? I can't get this SAL: They're in the cupboard over there.
PAT: Is there anything you want while I'm in there? - Hope.
- PAT: That and pens.
OFFICER: Ah, ah come on Pat, you ruined my rape kit tower.
Oh I love this game, go go go.
(REGGAE STYLE) I put a rape kit on the bottom and you put it on top You take a rape kit from the middle and you put it on top.
That's how you build a tower putting kits on top.
- PAT: Go go.
- There we are.
We need we need more kits.

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