Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

Sex Things and Whispers

- There she is, there she is.
- Janeane Garofalo, hi.
- Janeane, hi.
- Hi.
Sorry we don't want to hold you up I know you're busy, but can you take a selfie with us.
- We're huge fans.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much, so much, okay, ready.
Thank you.
We've been waiting all morning.
- This is so nice.
- Oh, that is so nice of you.
- Alright.
- Here we go, okay.
- Super quick, oh, oh, sorry.
- Okay, one more, okay.
- Cheese! - Oh, no, it's just I think it's 'cause you're short.
I'm just going to give you a little boost.
- Ready? There we go.
- Cheese.
No it's just, no you're out of it now.
Oh, I'm so sorry, excuse me, we're trying to take a selfie but its not working, could you take a selfie for us? - Oh, yeah, sure, of course.
- Thank you so much.
- No problem.
- Okay, thank you.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Oh, my God, that is such a great picture.
JENN: It really is, the contouring really pays off.
I'll always remember where we were - when that girl took a picture.
- She really knows her angles.
- It's good one.
- Yeah, yeah.
- She's, um, stunning.
- It's a good one.
Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh, oh How's it goin'? Good, I'm just finishing up this client investment summary.
Well I just thought I'd step by for a little chat, little chitty chat, little recap chit chat, chitty chit chit chat, watcha watcha what chat, off the top of the day, just you and me.
It's 9:30am so I've only been here about half an hour.
Well Karen, here's a little lesson from the boss, a lot can happen in the first half hour of the day.
Nothing to report really I just, uh, am working on my report.
So that's Just working on your report, nothing to report.
- Okay, listen - Why report that - I'm working on my report? - BOSS: That's so good of you, I know.
I'm the boss and you're the employee and I have this beautiful office and you have this cubicle that smells like an old apple but, you know, we should share things we really should, let's share things, let's share.
- I'm so sorry.
- What's so funny? I was really thinking of something that Darren said.
KAREN: Oh, yeah, what did Darren say? BOSS: Exactly what did Darren say, 'cause you sit right beside him, so what did he say? Did he say anything to you? Did he say something 'cause I know he did.
He probably did 'cause he sits right there and he's probably always thinking thee things and he's thinking no and he's whispering, and what's he saying, what's he saying? No, he's usually like working really hard just like me.
Like we're actually, you know, just trying to get our stuff done.
- There's a lot of deadlines.
- He's not saying anything? With the cut backs have just been sort of staffing issues and we just have to get stuff done.
There's nothing? There's nothing, he's not saying You know, Karen, 'cause I'm asking you directly, like what did Darren say? - About what? - About the off goss.
I don't know what that means.
The gossip around the office.
- The office gossip.
- Oh.
Office gossip.
- Oh, you know what? - BOSS: Oh, yeah, tell me, here we go.
- Here we go what you got for me? - It's 9:30, I actually - haven't had my coffee yet.
- BOSS: You haven't had a coffee yet, no, that's good, that's code for something.
What's that code, is that code for sex and things and whispers, what's the code for? It's code for? Oh, no, I just haven't had my coffee yet so that's all it is.
- Okay.
- I just have so much to do here.
You got a lot of work to do? - I'd be happy to talk later.
- Let me distract you.
Liz, tell me something about Liz, look at her, look at her, she's hiding something.
- In her granola clusters? - BOSS: How 'bout this, tell me who Sheila's been humping, - can you tell me that.
- Sheila? Look at her, who's she getting her leg up over? - KAREN: I have no idea.
- She's humping someone.
KAREN: I honestly think Sheila might still be a virgin.
Please for the love of the lord let's blue sky, let's get a little creative.
- I'll take anything creative - I am creative I'm just not BOSS: Jamal, Warren, - the lady that brings in the muffins.
- I don't know anything about her.
- Look, I don't even eat muffins.
- BOSS: Something Karen, listen I need you to look me in the eye and you need to tell me some off goss, or everybody in here is working on a Saturday and that's on you.
- I have a wedding on Saturday.
- That is on you.
- Everyone has work to do - You tell me something right now.
Do not do this to me, please.
Do not do this - One, two, everybody in the office.
- Okay, Becky - What? - Becky - Yes? - Um, she has - Yes?! - Horrible bunions.
That's it? Useless, what am I going to do with a growing bone? - Ow.
- That's nothing.
- But they-they-they - Terrible, - you're working on a Sat - It keeps her up at night.
- Karen.
- Karen's pregnant! Yes.
Fuck you Darren.
Liz, you wanna have a little chit chat, a little recap chit chat of the day? [FUN POP MUSIC.]
How's it going over here? A ha, okay.
Ah, do you mind if I get these in the next size up? They're a little too snug for my liking.
Sure, absolutely, not a problem.
Here you go.
Oooh, um, that's not really the same.
This has got all of these bits on it.
SALES CLERK: Yeah, it sure does, when you go up a size it actually bumps you up into the plus sizes and, you know, it's a little something extra for ladies with a little something extra.
Oh, okay, but those pants they're not even remotely the same.
Oh, yeah, no these are those.
No these are jeans.
Oh, yeah, these are the plus size take on those jeans.
Okay, why can't I just get a larger size in the style I was interested in? Oh, well, for a bigger gal, you know like, bigger gal our designers they really like to have fun, you know, like, let you ladies get funky.
You know what? If you're not loving these I'm going to take them away 'cause I actually brought something out from the back and I think you're going to love it.
Just stay right here.
For summer, right? Oh, my God, I'm so excited about this, I can't even tell you.
Okay, I'm right here if you need help.
Oh, my gosh.
Whoa, I was so right about this.
I knew it.
It is so sassy, now you see how these chiffon panels, they just really disguise a little bit of tummy and they just elongate your whole body, they just really bring out your leanness, you know, long lines, long lines.
Now one thing you do want to be careful about with this is not to get around any open flames because it'll be like pooof, right.
Oh, my gosh! I forgot the hat.
Okay, so you just bring it right down.
See how it just kinda covers your face there.
- Ah, excuse me.
- Mhm.
Yeah I asked you to bring me a pair of blue chinos.
Oh, no, no, those are them that's just the tall version, our designers they really feel that the tall gal should stand out as well as standing up.
Oh, I hate it here.
SALES CLERK: What do you think? - Uh, I can't see.
- I love this.
WOMAN #1: Well she told me that dry shampoo got her through her divorce.
- Really? - She looked amazing.
WOMAN #1: Look at the towel swans! So cute.
We are going to have to leave a tip.
Do it at the end of the week.
- Hm.
- Yeah.
WOMAN #1: He says is that your uvula and I said you're in the wrong place.
WOMAN #1: Oh, my gosh! Can we please tip them now this is amazing.
I really think we can do it at the end.
It's totally my nightmare to be serenaded and it's happened twice.
WOMAN #1: Oh, I feel for you.
Oh, oh, oh.
Come on, we have to tip them now.
- You're right, you're right.
- Mhm.
Oh, um, I only have a hundred or some change.
It'll probably be fine.
Yeah, I think that's good.
- I think the exchange rate - Yeah.
- WOMAN #1: I just feel like SkyMall is really reasonably priced.
I need to go take out some cash.
Yeah, I'll come too.
Then you really peak here and then it falls sharply It also looks like a arc Hey, are you guys ready for the meeting? Oh.
It's conference room three, right? Oh, no, uh, actually it's in conference room four.
No it's in three, it's always in three.
It got switched, it's in room four.
No, the last email I got said conference room three.
Yeah it's in three.
Trust me it's room four.
Why don't we just go to three we'll see, okay.
Or we could got to room four where it's actually happening.
No let's go to the one we always go just to be safe.
- - BROWN SUIT: Oh, my God, we're in room four.
Lynn you were right.
- I, I was right! Oh.
- Yeah.
Hey everybody, Lynn was right! I was right! [TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL.]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, I mean, um, it's been a really, uh, long hard road um, but, sorry.
I always knew in my darkest moment that I was right.
I knew her when she was only half right.
Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn! - Hey Lynn! Lynn.
- Lynn, Lynn, Lynn! Lynn, Lynn, can we get back to the meeting? Oh, yeah, sorry.
I was still right though.
No one cares.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [DANCE MUSIC.]
GREETER: So just through those doors Conference Room B.
WOMAN #1: Anyway Zoe, I love your book and it's fantastic.
Andrea, thanks for coming.
Hi, baby! I made it! - You made it.
- I made it.
Mwuah mwuah mwuah! Why don't you come over here.
Oh, my God, look, look at you.
Look your speech is on at 4pm.
It's a talk and I know when it's on 'cause I've been preparing for like, six months for this.
No place like home, trans-local praxis in the comfort of return praxis.
Honey, I'm sorry, that's not a real word.
- Praxis? - Yeah it's not a real one.
It's Latin for practice - so it is a real word.
- What? Are you kidding me? - No.
- No big deal my smarty pants sexy baby doing her speech in Latin.
- Are you? - It's a talk and no it's not in Latin, it's-it's-it's not in Latin, it's just a Latin word.
She's doing-she's doing a Latin word.
I'm really looking forward to your deconstruction of the Ruby Slipper as a classist mode of transportation, - brilliant, right.
- Absolutely.
Me too, I was waiting my whole life for this thing, talk, speech, - chit chat.
- It's a talk, it's a talk.
And I was born for listening to it.
What-what's your talk on? Uh, foot and imperial measure performing post-colonialism against the odds.
Really, no, babe, what's it on? What are ya - It's an actual talk.
- It's an actual talk of that, and I know, it's not a joke? It's not a joke, babe, it's a serious chat that's happening, thank you, of course it is.
- Do you know what? - What, Hun? You can just hang out in town if you want, you don't have to stay here, it'll probably be - a bit boring for you.
Why don't you just uh - Boring!? Babe! Are you kidding me? Look at your face.
Uh, this is a shoe conference, what does mamma love? - Shoes.
- It's not a shoe conference.
Guess who's here.
Sara Ahmed? - Roxane Gay.
- Ana Maria Rodrigues.
Susan Stryker? Allyson Mitchell.
Indigo Girls, oh, my gosh, please tell me it's the Indigo Girls.
Babe, we love the Indigo Girls, don't we? Dina Georgis.
Oh, I love her.
I love her.
- Yeah, no, she's fantas - Dina Georgian is so cool.
- It's Georgis.
It's Dina Georgis.
- Dina Georgia? Yeah, Dina Georgis.
Dina Georgian in da house.
It's Georgis, don't say da.
- Don't say da.
- In da.
Um, oh, there she is, she's an academic rock star.
Oh, my God, she's with Laura Lovitz.
Hi, Laura.
Hi, Laura.
WOMAN #1: Hi, Dina.
Did you see her lipstick? Who is going to "Bunions, Corns and Blisters: Feeling Feminine Failure"? Oh, I am.
I'm so into failure.
WOMAN #1: Yeah, so am I.
I think I'm going to have to pa-ss on that.
Ladies, I've had a light bulb moment - for a shoe conference.
- It's not a shoe conference.
And guess what I'm not seeing, spicy shoe options.
I don't see that on your feets.
It's not a shoe conference.
No it's a conference on footwear as the final frontier of feminist resistance.
I know that.
I know that.
I'm going to click my ruby heels together 'cause there's no place like home, and also there's no place like an outlet mall across the street.
So you get all up in your bunions.
Thanks so much for coming, I do appreciate it.
Oh, my God, I love you.
Look at you, you're so smart with your chit chats and your corns and warts and all those things that get on your feet.
She's great.
You're still in that relationship? That one, yeah yeah, it's a very fulfilling relationship, it works on different levels.
So happy about it.
Anyway should we go to the Bunions, corns, blisters? - Bunions, let's go.
- Let's catch that.
You know, and she's good in the sack.
- She better be.
- Yeah.
- Mommy? - Yes, sweetie? What am I going to be when I grow up? Oh, well, I think first you'll achieve your dream of being a doctor but then the ocean currents will change course and there will be waves of mass migration and crop failure and you'll end up as a scavenger sifting through piles of garbage for food and raw materials.
And then after the final war when Daddy and I are long dead, the people of your sewer tribe will catch an incurable cold and you'll be the person who cradles the bodies as they die.
- Oh gosh! - Jesus! - Like actually, who did this? - It was too cold! Eh? You want me to swim in this shit? - Give me my robe! - Get a heater in here.
It's so cold.
What's the sitch, Chief? We gotta tough nut to crack.
Seen her hanging around the playground, no ID, won't tell us her name.
Why don't you go in there and see if you can get some answers for me.
We got this.
We'll see.
DETECTIVE DAZIEL: Sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am.
That's okay.
I'm Detective Daziel this is my partner.
Detective Hardcrack, and you are? - Mabel's mom.
- Uh huh.
What's your name? Oh, uh, just Mabel's mom.
Cut the shit lady, what's your name? I'm so sorry 'cause I don't know what you mean.
- Don't you? - Hey, hey, hey, easy Hardcrack, easy.
Sorry about that Mabel's mom.
Let's try something different.
We've got some photos here of other parents in the park, maybe that'll help jog your memory.
- Who's this lady? - Gene's mom.
And who's this man? Ah, Charlotte's dad.
- And what do they call you? - Mabel's mom.
- Ah.
- No! No.
You had a name and you had a separate identity before you became a parent.
Now, who are you!? - Mabel's mom.
- No! Who are you? - Mabel's mom! - Ah.
DETECTIVE DAZIEL: Give it up Hardcrack, this goes deeper than we thought.
All these parents have lost their identity.
No, I won't give up, who are you!? Mabel's mom! Okay.
Let's try this a different way.
Are you married, ma'am? Yes.
When you're in bed at night with your husband and you're having sex and you're feeling good and he starts to get there, what does he yell? Ah, oh, oh, oh, don't stop, oh God, oh God, don't stop, oh, oh, Mabel's mom! Shit! Cut her loose.
Mabel's dad just showed up with Mabel's mom's lawyer.
CHIEF: You're, um, you're free to go, ma'am.
Could you please call me Mabel's mom.
DETECTIVE HARDCRACK: This isn't over Mabel's mom, this is not over! Hey, give it up, do you want to go away again? You're right, you always keep me so grounded.
Absolutely true.
I mean, Diane is trying to make a point over here everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's just that the system is totally rigged against us, it's not individual, it's the system.
Well you have to want to neglect the issue.
It's a well known fact that women make 22% less than men in the workforce.
- Twenty-two percent.
- It should be well known.
JANEANE: It's not well known and if it is I think people pretend they don't know.
But maybe, maybe they're just doing different jobs.
Are you kidding me right now? [VOICES IN UNIFIED OBJECTION.]
It's across the board, it's all jobs, it's all fields.
JANEANE: And women with advanced degrees still make less than men with Bachelor's degrees.
And it's way worse for women of colour, way worse.
Good point, Jenn, good point.
Yeah, I-I-I know.
TEAM LEADER: Okay, whoa whoa whoa.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
If what you're all saying is true then, um, looks like Todd over here needs to get a raise.
I'm just looking over your pay scale here and you're only making 12% more than-than Sharon.
So - Well that's absurd.
- Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh WOMAN IN BLUE: This place is gorgeous, like how did you get it? WOMAN IN WHITE: I made this vision board and within two years I had manifested a boyfriend, this house, a new car and a pile of cash from my fantastic new job.
Did you-did you get that snazzy red blazer? Oh, no I didn't, no.
Bit of a fail then, no? [IN UNISON.]
They all agree, it's just a bit of a fail.
Hey, listen to me, listen to me, this is-this is now bordering on the ridiculous, your client's testimony is spurious at best.
Alright, let me say it for the first time, you don't have a leg to stand on.
So, I think we all know what that means.
Well then, I guess we'll see you in court.
I guess I'll see you in court.
- Yeah, that's what we just said.
- Mhm.
Well then that's where I'm gonna see ya, in court.
Did you want to share a cab - or something or? - Oh my To the courthouse? - Where I'm gonna see ya? - [IN UNISON.]
No, thanks.
Because I'm gonna see ya when we get there so I'll see ya in court.
Okay, well, we've got to get there quickly.
So we're going to get a cab and we will see you in court.
Not if I see you there first.
Why do you have a faster route to get there? Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
Which one is it? - You do the math.
- What math? The math you're gonna have to do when we eventually get to court.
- We just need to get to court.
- Right.
We don't have to do math to get to court.
- Don't you? - You can take any transportation whatsoever.
We could actually even walk it.
- Ridiculous.
- You're going to walk to court? Good luck to you, sir.
I'll see ya in court.
The court I'm gonna see you in, is called court.
- After you.
- Nooo, after you.
Well I'm holding the door so.
Right, so I'm just gonna step ahead and you're going to walk through it and I'm going to go after you on our way to court.
- That's right.
- It's not a trick.
- Okay.
- It's not a trick.
Look at me I'm walking.
- There she goes.
- There we go.
For the record, I'm not out the door.
No, after you, after you, after you.
No, you're through the door already.
Let's just go.
Let's just go.
LAWYER #2: You do the math.
I knew I shouldn't have hired a lawyer whose ad I saw in a bus shelter.
I met mine in the shelter where I've been staying.
Oh God, Larry, Larry.
Alright, gather around people.
Fall in.
Here we go.
Fugitive is this man, Mr.
Matthew Albert Right he's been on the run for about four hours now which gives us a search radius of approximately fifteen miles.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to find Mr.
Right? Yeah, uh, be open minded, try and step out of your comfort zone.
OFFICER #2: Be yourself, always be yourself.
I don't think that's going to work in this particular circumstance.
Anyone else? Some people find Mr.
Right online.
Shut up, rookie, we're looking for Mr.
Right, not Mr.
Right now.
Oh, okay, other ideas? Yeah.
Join a club or take a class.
Never works and I have the pottery to prove it.
OFFICER #2: Use the law of attraction, Mr.
Right will manifest.
CHIEF: No, next.
ROOKIE: Hey-hey, Chief, I found him.
OFFICER #2: Oh, see we stop looking for him and then Mr.
Right shows up when you least expect it, huh.
He's dead.
CHIEF: Figures, all the good ones are either married or gay or dead.
Alright, gather 'round ladies, I'm gonna teach ya how to bag a man.

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