Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

It's Because I Care

1 - (SOMBRE MUSIC) - (SOBBING) WOMAN: It's okay.
(SOBBING) I'm so sorry.
What's the hashtag for this funeral? Oh, it's #hesgodsproblemnow.
Oh thank you, thank you.
As you were.
(HIGH-PITCHED SOBBING) (CAMERA CLICKING) ("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Oh my god, I'm sorry we have to leave so soon, - it is so amazing seeing you.
- It's okay.
This was great.
Love you Janer.
Love you honey.
- I love you so much.
- Really great house.
(IN UNISON) Bye Jane.
Bye honey, bye Janer, drive safely, okay, yeah, a cutie.
Oh, what a cutie, huh? Yeah, she's such a cutie.
SANDRA: Yeah, she's the cutest.
Her new boyfriend though.
I get a bad feeling about him.
I get a bad feeling.
I am so glad that you said that because he has wandering eyes and he's definitely cheating.
- A 100%.
- I was thinking the same thing.
- He's a cheater.
- Cheater's beard.
- He's a cheater.
- You can tell he's a cheater.
I know cheater all over.
- Bye, thanks! - Ann: A cut off cheater's beard and a cheater's polo shirt.
But it's so Jane to ignore the signs, you know.
Oh my gosh.
I mean it's like, okay, here's a sign and I'm Jane and it's like, "Oh where's my sign?" Look at you.
You know, you are so funny.
You're so funny.
But I don't want to be mean, you know.
Oh no, my goodness.
ANN: Because we care.
'Cause you care, 'cause we care.
No, because we care.
SANDRA: It is, and Jane is the sweetest.
ANN: She deserves a good relationship.
- For sure.
Oh it's Paul, okay, I've got to go, the old Paul and chain - is calling me home.
- Oh my gosh.
- Very clever.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Funny.
- That is so clever.
Good seeing you guys.
Okay, bye! - She's so fun.
- So glad we did this.
- Bye.
- Bye bye.
She is such a hoot.
She is the hootiest, she's funny, she's the funniest, she's so funny.
Do you ever feel like she just, you know, like tries too hard though? - I'm so glad you said something.
- Okay.
It's like Carol, we love you, can you please stop trying so goddamn hard.
I know, she's insecure, but you know what, I only say this because I care.
Ann, you care, we care about her, no totally we care.
I know I just don't want to get into therapy.
- SANDRA: Yeah, we care.
- (HONKING) - We care.
- We care.
Yeah yeah.
- We've gone through so much.
- Mhm.
Well I'm bagged.
And it just hit me.
You don't want to stay for another glass of lemonada? Oh my god, you know I love your lemonada.
You know what I love is those spanakopita's, oh my god they're so good.
I know they were good.
- Oh I need that recipe.
- Yeah.
- Okay, bye.
- Mwah.
- (KISSING NOISES) - Bye bye bye, safe drive.
Safe drive.
- Bye bye bye.
I'm out.
- Bye.
Drive safe, okay.
SANDRA: I love what you've done with your lawn.
ANN: Oh, thank you.
SANDRA: I love you.
Oh boy.
Well it looks like Sandra has a piece of food caught in her teeth again.
My god, she's just so sloppy.
You know, I think that's why she gets passed up for promotions at work all the time.
Anyway, I only say this because I care.
The only reason I'm making this electronic voice memo recording is because I care.
I do.
CREAM JACKET WOMAN: So you'll see the accommodations are spacious, the dining room offers three full meals a day plus late night snacks.
Uh, there is a hair salon, we have a games room, a small grocery store and there's a movie theatre on the second floor.
Oh and of course I should mention that all of the rental units are government subsidized.
Wow, alright, um, I'll take it.
Carolyne, what about me? Well you snooze you lose, Mom.
You have a house already, right.
Okay, right this way.
Let's go.
Did you say three meals a day? - Oh yes, yes and we - What? We cater to all dietary restrictions.
So I would like to put forward Liz Forton to fill the role of VP at this firm.
I mean, she's the most qualified candidate that we have.
She's a natural leader.
She's full of fresh new ideas.
I mean, she has completely reinvigorated our marketing team.
Not to mention, she made us five million dollars in the last quarter alone.
But she leaves at 5:30 every day to pick up her kids so No thank you.
No, that's wrong, leaving.
This meeting is over.
Haven't seen my kids in years.
So that's the New York cheesecake and the tiramisu and what did you decide? Oh, I think I'm going to have, um, the mmmmgooochocolatte and the key lime pie.
Great, okay, I'll be right back.
- I'm sorry.
- What happened? - So how are things at work? - No I want to know.
Pam, you don't have to sing every single time you order food.
I'm sorry but it's really annoying.
I didn't even realize I was singing.
- Yes, you did.
- Oh yeah, you were singing.
- Yes, you did.
- Oh no, okay.
Ah, hi there, sorry ladies.
Hi, I'm a record exec from Dessert Daddy Records and I have to say the way you sang key lime pie blew my GD ass of.
What? Yeah, I want to record an album with you this afternoon.
PAM: This afternoon? RECORD PRODUCER: Yes, I want that voice.
You're a superstar, trust me.
- Come with me.
- Okay, I knew this day was gonna come.
You did? - Take my hand.
- Okay.
I'm a star.
She's about to be murdered, right? ROBBER: We want an airplane at the airport and we want gold bars.
No bank certificates.
- ROBBER 2: No.
- What? ROBBER 2: Wait.
Stop! Stay! - No no no, we want bank certificates.
- Why? ROBBER 2: 'Cause we can spend them in South America, Spain, Australia, Portugal.
- Okay, just - What? Can you just hang on a second? ROBBER 2: Put your heads down! What? Are you upset? ROBBER 1: Can you just let me do the talking? ROBBER 2: I might do the talking, not get the talking right.
- Well - No I'm just saying, since when did you become the leader, really? Ah, since this was my idea and I got the plan together - and I got the getaway car.
- It's a rental.
ROBBER 1: Well it doesn't matter if it's a rental this is my thing and I'm the leader.
Okay, I'm letting you do your thing I'm just saying you should do it right that's all Ah!! What are you doing? I'm so sorry.
It's just um you have a hair hanging off your shirt and I've been like staring at it for an hour.
- Get back, back , back! - Oh, I'm going.
(SIGHS) Look, we have to be a united front.
The cops have to see that we're together.
If there's any kind of division between us they're going to see it's a crack and they're going to try to exploit it - and fill it with bullets.
- We're dead.
- Ah! What did I just tell you?! - Um, it's just, you have so much hair on you, I mean do you have a cat? ROBBER 2: No no she doesn't have a cat, she doesn't have a cat.
But you know what she does have? Grey hair, check this out.
ROBBER 1: Give me that.
That's from those home kits that you keep buying over the counter and they make your head smell like a turkey with a fried arse.
ROBBER 1: They are affordable, things are really stressful right now, - Doug got fired.
- Doug got fired? - Are you kidding me? - Yes, he did, why do you think I'm here? There's a baker's job at the coffee shop.
He doesn't like that because Ah! Um, you have a hair stuck to your lip gloss.
I'm sorry, it's just really distracting.
ROBBER 2: You know what? Shh stop Ellen, wait she's right, what's your name? Alana.
So now you're chumming up and agreeing with the hostages? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
What? I don't know what you just said 'cause I can't focus right now because that thing across your mouth, can you not taste it? No I can't taste it 'cause I can focus - and you know why? - Why? Because there's a million cops out there waiting to blow our fucking heads off.
Point, yes that's true.
That's true.
Here I'm going to get it for you.
No I don't want people touching my face that's a thing.
Go like this.
(IN UNISON) Num num num num ROBBER 1: Is it gone? It's not gone, you know what, I'm going to get it.
- No no, I can do it.
- Here, let me get it.
- I can do it.
- Come here! (BANGING) POLICE OFFICER: Everybody get down this is the police! Get down! Get down on the ground, get down on the ground! Down, down, down, down, down! - ROBBER 2: Sorry.
- You! Num num num num.
Yeah we tried that before it didn't work.
Oh, okay, alright, sorry, sorry about that.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (MAESTOSO INSTRUMENTAL) WHITE DRESS WOMAN: Nothing stimulates the humans more than a rousing country ball.
And dare I say Mr.
Bingleby is making quite a stir.
PINK DRESS WOMAN: I cannot understand it, the man is pleasant enough but surely not so handsome as to merit such a frenzy.
LADY TRILBY: Oh my dears, would you care to take a turn about the room? Oh, Lady Trilby, we do so love a turn.
And about the room.
A dream.
Yes, oh for sure.
Oh oh, and perhaps Lady Trilby you could help us for at present we're entrenched in a mystery.
Oh? What is it exactly about Mr.
Bingleby that has so enthralled the county's young ladies? - Oh rumour has it - Ooooh - Ow.
Sorry, sorry.
- I'm sorry.
That when he accompanies a lady on a walk across the heath he simply asks her how she's doing.
Doing? What do you mean doing? Well, just, you know, what she's up to, her interests, her hobbies, her general inner life.
And when she answers, - he listens.
- (IN UNISON) What? (EXCITED WHISPERING) Steady yourselves ladies.
Steady yourself.
BINGLEBY: My good ladies.
How is this evening treating you uniquely and to your own individual tastes? Oh.
Oh my.
- Uh, well Mr.
Bingleby - Yes.
I sometimes find the decor of this room to be (STUTTERING) round and other times like squared.
Are you quite alright dear? It's just that no one has ever asked.
Daphne, I noticed you fainted ever so briefly do tell me of your health and spare no detail.
BINGLEBY: Oh my, oh my.
(WHIMPERING) Is she quite well? Oh, she is, she is too very um Squares, squares.
Oh, dear.
Bingleby it appears you've quite overwhelmed the ladies.
(STAMMERING) Well I am terribly sorry.
I mean, please help me so that I don't overwhelm you in the future.
How shall I behave? Please.
(FRIGHTENED STAMMERING) Eeeeeeeee! Shall we take a turn about another section of the room while the ladies compose themselves? (CLEARS THROAT) MR.
BINGLEBY: Yes, of course Lady Trilby, oh and do tell me about your grandson.
He was a whiz with sums but he struggled with the classics, yes? - You remember, aah! - Oh my.
Oh Bingleby, you've done it again.
WOMAN: I don't normally do this.
MAN: Me neither.
I can't help myself.
Listen, I have to tell you something.
Yeah, go ahead.
I might be like a lady in the streets but I'm like, I'm super dirty in the sheets.
Is that okay with you? Dirty, I Like I'm really like I'm really dirty.
- No I I I, I like that.
- You do? - Yeah I really like that.
- Okay.
I mean, you kind of Yay.
Oh my god.
What are, um Are those, what are all those strips? Criiiick, mmm.
Oh wow.
Come on baby what are you waiting for? Fine, let's do this.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (BANG) POLICE OFFICER 1: Police! This is a raid! Go, go, go, go, oh my god! - What's wrong?! - This apartment it is beautiful! Oh my god you're right! Who is your interior designer?! I decorated it myself.
POLICE OFFICER 2: You did a great job! You really did a lot with a small space.
Oh my gosh look at this, what is this? - What is this? - What did you do here? WOMAN: I refinished myself.
Interesting fact, same chemicals for tabletop as drugs.
- Really.
- Oh cool.
Love it.
It feels good.
BLUE SHIRT WOMAN: He treats the cat like a dog.
HOST: Do you ladies have any preference of table? Oh, um, where do you, um, where do you want to sit? I don't know, where do you want to sit? I'm easy.
- Oh, well there's a table right here.
- Okay, let's sit right here.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, this is nice.
Bit um bit close to the door, you know.
Well we can move.
No no, or we can stay I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Okay let's stay.
- Okay, all right.
Actually do you mind if we move? - Of course not.
- Okay.
We're just going to grab a table over there.
- Oh, it's good.
- See it's even wider.
- This is great.
- Host: We're happy? - We're happy.
- So happy.
Thank you for indulging us.
Really appreciate it.
Oh, it's so bright here.
Yeah it's lovely.
Fire exit.
Oh, it's a fire exit.
That's a bit odd isn't? - Did you want to move? - Yep.
We're just going to move over here.
BLUE SHIRT WOMAN: Oh yeah, okay, this is nice, this is nice, okay.
Oh, alright.
RED SHIRT WOMAN: This is great.
- This is a great table.
- Oh, yeah.
(SIGHS) It's like there's an air conditioning unit or something, just blowing right down my neck.
- You know? - Should we - Should we? - Move? No we're not going to move tables, you know what, we'll just scooch over, let's do that, there we go.
- Can we just, here we go.
- Oh, okay.
We'll just do that.
You know what Okay, that's a little, little close.
Oh, uh, no it just, um, there's an air conditioning unit blowing down so I'm just gonna, if we can just scooch Seriously? There are plenty of other tables.
(CHUCKLING) Oh you're serious.
- Mhm.
- Why don't we just sit at the bar? Okay, enjoy your nice long table all to yourself.
- See we'll just stand right here.
- Okay.
so we don't need a table we can just stand right at the bar.
Uh, bar's closed.
Well why don't we just sit at the table by the pillar.
Nah, then we're those two gals sitting by the pillar.
How about the table over at the middle there? Mmm right in the middle, like sitting ducks, no? - Okay, uh - We can eat like this, right? - I can eat like this for days.
- Okay.
Yeah, oh this is great.
Let's just order right here.
Okay, no, we gotta choose something else.
Does it make it look like we're lesbians though for two women by the fireplace? - We better find another table.
- Yeah, that's a bit weird.
Do you mind scooching oh you're still here.
You know what, we can do just sit right here.
- That's nice.
- Thank you.
Do you have a blanket or something we could put on the floor? I can check in the back room.
Oh no don't bother, we don't want to trouble you.
- We don't want to trouble you.
- No, no, don't check.
Oh there's a table in the corner, look at this.
- Okay.
- Ah.
- This is what I'm talking about.
- This is nice.
- This is nice, okay.
- Thank you.
Oh, yeah, ah.
(SIGHS) Bit of a, (CLUNKING) bit of a wobble wouldn't you say? RED SHIRT WOMAN: Oh.
Do you feel it's wobbling a little bit? I think it's more you actually lifting the table - that's making it wobble.
- Oh I see.
All right.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL) (CHANTING) WOMAN: N.
Say no.
Oh, say no.
You could have just told me you didn't want to marry me.
WOMAN: Oh the spirits are saying goodbye.
Sorry, not me, it's the spirits.
They're saying no, no, no, goodbye.
Bit behind on the old subscription.
Good thing I like reading.
I'm going to read the shit out of you.
(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL) Little stretch before we start.
Could be here a little while.
(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL) Read it, very good, really enjoyed Crystals.
Oh geez.
(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL) Oh this is a reading position, how do you feel? Shitty.
Come on.
You're gonna read these things.
Where do you like to read? Where it makes you feel safe, like a hobbit.
Just finish the tea.
Read your magazines.
Stop it! I'm reading you, and then I'm going to read you.
I am starving! (FUN LIVELY MUSIC) Oooh Chernobyl footprint.
Is it 'cause this is so fucking boring? No, it's 'cause you need an apple.
This apple has no taste.
- (BUZZING) - Hello.
A survey, of course I have the time.
Well now you look like a reader.
Cuba, interesting.
I'm a mess.
I will be right back.
Lots of words in the tub.
Ah! Read.
(UPTEMPO PERCUSSION) Oh mother of Moldova that's so interesting.
- I love reading! - (UPTEMPO PERCUSSION) Woo! Subscription killed! PINK SWEATER WOMAN: How's it going you need help with the fire there? No no I'm just, um, grabbing some twigs and starting off building a little teepee structure to get the fire going.
Light it up here and we'll have a fire in no time.
There we go.
Yeah, see if you only light it in one spot it takes a while, it burns unevenly if you just light it all over.
Oh you use a, a plastic lighter? Yeah, you know, I've just been caught out with rain a few too many times, matches they just get wet too easily.
Yeah, see there you go, it's all around.
Yeah it's funny, see when you do light it up in all the areas - Yeah it's nice.
- Well, yeah, but see how it's just going to burn itself out.
- Mm.
- A little more tinder.
- Let's get some more of that tinder on here.
- Kindling.
Different regions of the country call it different names.
PINK SWEATER WOMAN: You know what really actually helps use some corn chips, they make a great accelerant.
I think that works like on the Internet but in real life you just want to kind of fan the fire.
- I prefer a more sort of organic fire.
- Mm.
Anyway, you can't really change it now that you've put those on.
I went to summer camp so.
- Girl guides.
- Girl guides.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
When I'm at Algonquin Park I like to do it this way, you know.
PINK SWEATER WOMAN: You know, when I was camping on Baffin Island we had to make some signal fires.
There, okay, there we go, it's a nice That's a log cabin.
Yeah, log structure, yeah.
I mean, we might want to build it up a little bit.
Yeah, like the wood does have to last all day.
- I brought a saw.
- Uh, with that kind of structure you really need to brace it like a pyramid so that it doesn't, uh, topple over.
Hm, what were you thinking? Well (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (GRUNTING) PINK SWEATER WOMAN: Yeah the root balls are a little bit dense, they don't burn so well.
I'm going to leave it in the sun to dry a bit before I throw it on.
PINK SWEATER WOMAN: It takes a few weeks for that.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Yeah this, this girl's not ready yet.
Yeah there's actually no low branches on that one.
BLUE SHIRT WOMAN: Well, yeah, it's hard to see them sometimes.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) So you just gotta build a brace here, there we go, for the air chamber.
Yeah, you know, I just think if you really want to cap that off you just need a little, a little more, uh, a little more fuel, let me just show you what I'm talking about here.
Yeah there you go.
Well a real accelerant, this one would actually do the trick.
Might be able to burn the chair a bit - Whoa! - (BOOM) I think the fire's going great now.
We're going to work on pitching the tent? - Yeah let's do it.
- Okay.

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