Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

Sometimes It's Good to Be the Shaman

1 (SIGHS) I'm so sorry.
You're going to have to put your cat down.
(MEOW) Oh.
I'm so sorry.
No it's okay.
I don't know why, I always hold her up like that.
We're just here to make her feel good, right? OWNER: Yeah.
What a beautiful little girl.
We are going to have to kill her though.
(MEOW) ("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh (BOOM) Oh gosh, she's incredible.
She's so bad ass.
Oh, hey, Jim, you know, I was thinking, since I've been the primary client contact, I should take the lead on next week's presentation, yeah? Sure, Nina, that makes sense.
LONG HAIR: I love an unapologetic woman in the work place.
- Me too.
- Ladies, we could really learn something from her.
- Mhm.
- Like really learn something.
I'm sorry, I gotta cut this short, I gotta-I gotta get to a meeting.
(GASPING LOUDLY) - Did you see that? - Yes.
Did you see what I did there? - No.
- I said I was sorry.
I know, I'm like, why did I do that, why did I just apologize? I know why because I'm am idiot, I'm so sorry.
- Oh geez.
- Stop.
(BOOM) NINA: Okay Raj, I appreciate the raise, but I know for a fact I'm making 18% less than Davis and we both know he's a mouth breathing dick weed, don't we.
She just went in there and she asked for a raise.
And she is not apologizing for it.
NINA: Pleasure doing business with you, Raj.
(MOUTH CLICK) (MOUTH CLICK) God, what must her life be like.
(BOOM) (UPBEAT HEAVY METAL MUSIC) Lady, I can see your bra.
You're welcome.
PINK SHIRT: Oh my god, her underwear is visible and she's not apologizing for it, I love her.
STRIPE SHIRT: Okay, she is smoking and is unapologetic.
Suck that in.
DARK SHIRT: Oh wow, okay, she just didn't say sorry for that? I mean, like maybe she didn't see the kid or? - PINK SHIRT: Maybe.
- Does he have asthma? PINK SHIRT: Littering.
DARK SHIRT: That was a bit weird, no.
I mean, she just didn't notice.
- Why is she ? - Oh, okay.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC) You douchebag, she's rude.
She's so rude.
PINK SHIRT: That was so deliberate.
- NINA: Out of my way.
- Okay, I just feel.
That was something that you should probably apologize for.
DARK SHIRT: Yeah, I mean, I would say you should apologize for that.
- PINK SHIRT: Yeah, oh my god.
- So sorry.
- PINK SHIRT: Where'd she go? - STRIPE SHIRT: Where's she going? We lost her.
- Go, go, go, go.
- We lost her.
We lost her.
(PANICKED CHATTER) PINK SHIRT: What are you doing? What are you doing? Jesus, no! Stop it! Stop it! (WOMEN SCREAMING) - Stop it.
- (WOMEN SCREAMING) - No! - (WOMEN SCREAMING) NINA: Can't a grown woman commit a little arson without having to apologize for it! But you're burning down a building.
All right, all right, I Sorry.
Oh geez, now I feel bad, making you apologize for like, being who you are.
PINK SHIRT: No, wait, guys, guys, guys, this is how pressure works, it gets inside of us and then the world makes women think that we have to apologize for every little thing.
Well, I guess I don't need this anymore, huh? - PINK SHIRT: Yeah.
It's a bit late now.
I can't see.
It's, uh, it's really nice here.
Mhm, yeah, I think you'll like it.
Uh, so most of your time will be spent between the clubhouse over there and the staff buildings along the way.
Is this a, um, a man made lake? Oh no, it's a woman made lake.
Woman made? What's, um, what's the difference? This lake has no idea how beautiful it is.
Now, let me introduce you to the rich, white golfers.
Now? All right, your blood work's all done so we just have one more procedure.
Oh gosh, I'm just a little bit nervous.
It's my, uh, first cesarean, my first baby, - I just, I don't - That's nice.
You know what, you just lift your gown.
Okay, I just have a, actually, I have a question.
I just want to Okay, how about you think about your question while you lift your gown.
- Okay well, I'm just thinking - Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! - I just have a - Nope.
What's that for? I've got to shave the area, it's standard procedure for a Caesarean birth.
- You have to shave my - I do.
Okay, I- Hi, wow, are you just gonna dry shave that? There's no cream or, um, like a solution like a something to? This is my job, I've been doing it for a long time.
Oh, oh I think It's funny I didn't read that chapter in the book.
- I didn't see - Yeah, that's very obvious.
I've never seen a vagina with so much hair on it.
Is, um Is that like a problem for you? I need backup.
- Yeah, Darryl? - Darryl? Yeah, could you come in here with a defoliation kit? - No, no, no.
- Yeah and the tarp.
No, no, no, just keep pulling at it then, I don't need anybody, you just, you and me.
Why do you have your razor in my bum crack? Look, this is my job, your crack is my job.
PREGNANT WOMAN: Look, if you're a medical professional, why are you so concerned with the aesthetics of my pubic hair? (SCREAMING) Oh, sorry to interrupt.
No, you can see all my holes.
DARRYL: Excuse me ma'am.
Yeah, I've just, uh, I brought a wax kit and I've got a comb and I've also got an electric razor.
That's great, just leave it all right here.
Jesus, can you go now sir? Bye, ma'am.
Stop, right here, what's happening between my legs is a normal, beautiful, wonderful thing and what you're expecting, ma'am, is offensive and impossible, and even if I wanted to, give this to me.
Look at me, look at me, I am nine months pregnant I can't even see my wizard sleeve.
I don't know what's happening down there with my old taco.
Look, ah, ah, uh oh, uh oh, what happened, oh look, my little pink skittle pop, that there it is on the floor laying there, I cut it right off.
It isn't a pink taco or a wizard sleeve, you goddamn hippie, it's a clitoris, you're not even trying.
How do you wipe yourself this whole time? How have you been wiping your bum? Yeah, well, if you can wipe it, you can shave it.
I don't need to shave my butt.
I did all through three kids.
- You shaved your butt? - This is how you do it, down and up and around, down and up and around.
Don't tell me you can't do it 'cause I know that you can.
When a man comes in here for a vasectomy do you shame his hairy bongos with your two cent, gas station razor and just scrape it on his damp, nervous scrotum? Do you do that to him? I do not do any of that.
That's what I thought.
I make him do it himself.
I should have prepared better, I know that now.
- Up on the table.
- Yeah.
Actually, can you just stay like that, - I've got a good view of the backend here.
- Yeah, sure.
You just - Miss? - Yeah, thanks.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC) Oh, can I have a little bit more, please? Okay, thanks.
- SERVER: Green pepper? - Yes, thanks.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC) Is that all the green pepper you're gonna put on? SERVER: Yes, beets? Uh, yeah, thanks, I'll take some beets.
(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL) - SERVER: Olives? - Um, yes, please.
Can I have a couple more olives, there's just, like, four on there.
Um, that one just fell on the counter.
Onions? No thanks.
Oh I said no onions.
Tomatoes? Uh, yeah, thanks, tomatoes, thanks.
You like, just put one tomato on there.
Lettuce? Yes, please.
I really like lettuce, so if you can just put some extra on there, that would be great.
Oh, like, can I have like a lot of lettuce, please, thanks.
That was just the the dead bit, kind of on the side.
- (FLY BUZZING) - SERVER: Okay, anything else? Oh shit.
Okay, that'll be 7.
95, okay.
Um Here ya go, there's $5.
You need more money than that.
Oh, did you want more money? - Oh, okay.
- Yes.
There we go.
Or do you do you want a little more more money? That's 5.
25 you just put down.
Oh, okay, here's another, did you did you want more? SERVER: Yeah.
(CHANGE CLINKING) Okay, there, did you want more money? (UPBEAT MUSIC) Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh SHAMAN: Thank you all for sharing your intentions and of course, for driving all the way out to the suburbs.
And now, now it is time to drink the AYAHUASCA tea to begin your journey towards self awareness.
And remember that the spirit of AYAHUASCA can take many forms.
It could be, oh, that grandfather clock or say, a snake, (GASPS) or even, well the younger female version of the little guy from "UP".
WOMAN: I'm sorry to interrupt, did you say that ayahuasca can come in the form of a snake? There are no interruptions.
I have a phobia about snakes, I didn't realize when I paid my $100 that that was gonna be part of it.
SHAMAN: It's okay, you just take a little sip, - just a little sip from the ayahuasca! - Okay.
SHAMAN: The rest of you drink the entire portion and get ready to drop in.
I'm just gonna have a sip everyone.
SHAMAN: That's right, just wet your beak, just a little bit.
Oh, it's rich.
(HEAVY SIGH) - Sorry.
- Oh god! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Just before I drink my tea, I'm just wondering are there snakes on your journey to ayahuasca? I'm just trying to actually drop in to the beginning of my journey.
So were there snakes at the beginning of the journey? I don't know yet.
But like, just even the first couple of minutes of your journey? How 'bout you stop talking and I'll drop into my journey, if there's any snakes, I'll come back and tell you about it.
You promise? No.
WOMAN: But Shaman, is that a snake tattoo? No, that signifies my life as a shaman who sells real estate on the side.
(FOREBODING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) WOMAN 2: (ECHOING) I am angry at my mother because she didn't really get me.
WOMAN 3: (ECHOING) I just want to be heard.
SHAMAN: There's nothing to fear, except of course, for what you fear.
(TRIPPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) Get away from me! Get away from me! Get away from me! Stop.
Ah! Cobras.
Cobras SHAMAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, wake up, wake up.
- Wake up.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You awake? - You awake? - Good.
- What happened? Absolutely nothing, you drank peppermint tea.
The ayahuasca! was in a different mug.
What? I didn't go on a spiritual journey? No, you did not.
WOMAN: But I paid $100.
SHAMAN: Yes, I know, but you clearly weren't ready.
WOMAN: Oh god, I I've ruined this for everyone.
No, you didn't ruin it for anyone.
WOMAN 2: You ruined it for me, actually.
SHAMAN: Next time you'll be ready.
WOMAN: Thank you.
And we will drink the ayahuasca.
And there's a snake behind you.
OH GOOD GOD, NOOOOOO! Just kidding.
I've always wanted to do that.
WOMAN 2: That was awesome, I really wanted to do that.
Sometimes, it's just good to be the shaman.
You're a real estate agent.
On the side.
The world just has so many problems and every day I wake up there's something new.
I feel so overwhelmed, and I just, do you mind? Mhm.
I just feel so helpless.
(SOBBING) Listen, the dread and anxiety you're feeling makes sense.
We are living in what is known in the psychiatric community as the garbage times.
I'm gonna give you something.
I think this is really gonna help, there you go.
- - PATIENT: What, uh, what's What's this? It's my Netflix password.
I want you to watch a gentle, cooking-based reality show out of England.
They mostly do baking, but occasionally they do make savoury pies and pastis.
But that's it, like, not a pill.
Like a proper prescription or or band-aids, a positive thought.
This is the best thing we've come up with.
Okay just sorry, too, I just I just need to be clear, this is a, uh, uh, a competitive cooking show.
Technically it's a competition, but there are almost no stakes.
Okay well, there's like a cash prize at the end, there's that probably.
Sometimes they give the winner a nice bowl.
Sometimes? Tell you what, uh, do you wanna, uh, try a sample? - I'd love a hit.
- Okay.
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
Here we go.
CONTESTANT: Well this is my first try at the classic Madeira cake.
Oh yes, the classic English cake, the Madeira cake.
CONTESTANT: I was pretty chuffed to have the opportunity and I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.
Oh you must be pleased, because I see here, it has the classic crack of the Madeira cake, and of course, we're always concerned as judges will the Madeira have a crack.
(HEAVY SIGHS) Oh, a show about baking.
Will this work for my late night fears about climate change? No, no, no, no, no, nothing works for that.
It's a nightmare that's coming for us all.
- PATIENT: Okay, thank you.
- Okay.
See you next week.
Oh my god, yeah, you fold that egg white.
Yeah, I like that.
(SOFT GUITAR STRUMMING) JULIET: Romeo, oh Romeo, where for art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name.
Or, if thou whilst not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
ROMEO: I hear more, shall I speak at this? JULIET: Is someone there? - Who is that? - Uh, it's me, it's Romeo, it's it's Romeo.
Oh my god.
Wait, what are you doing hanging around below my balcony? ROMEO: I'm waiting to see you.
I'm waiting I'm waitin' on, I'm waitin' to see you.
Wow, stalk much? ROMEO: I'm not stalking, what? We're in love.
JULIET: Oh are we? because we had one religious discussion at a party and now suddenly, we're meant to be? ROMEO: Yeah, just like all that pilgrim talk, like back and forth, that's like love, like I love you, like we love each other.
JULIET: Yeah, like I thought at one point I might be interested in you, but that's before I found out you were a giant boundary crosser.
Wait, were you planning on climbing up here? No, no, no, ah no, yes, no, maybe.
Do you want me to, I will.
JULIET: Oh my god, absolutely not.
Whoa, if I knew you were such a weirdo, I never would have even looked at you.
ROMEO: I'm not a weirdo, what, come on now.
Look, I got my hair and every, my suit, I'm I'm a romantic, look at this.
JULIET: Yeah, if the definition of romantic is using the slightest indication of interest to find you in your home and make you feel unsafe in your own bedroom, then yeah, that's really romantic.
ROMEO: You know what? I risked a lot in coming here.
I mean, if your cousin spotted me, do you know what happened? I would've fight for my life.
Oh great, now you're threatening to kill my family? Does that work all the girls or just the children? Because let me remind you, I am 13 years old.
Yeah well, most girls are married at your age.
Oh and now you wanna make me your child bride, awesome.
Did you even ask if I was interested? - Oh my god! - JULIET: No, no you did not.
It is called consent buddy.
ROMEO: Fine! Is it okay if I stand here and I look at you? I'm going to have to think about that.
What about poetry? Technically anything you write about me is child pornography so.
ROMEO: Wow, we are gonna die in a beautiful, double suicide, that's what you're missing out on.
- I'm outta here.
- I knew it.
You faithless, faithless cur.
Fifteen sucks.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh (UPBEAT HIPHOP MUSIC) WOMAN: Hey.
You boys afraid to play with a girl? No.
(UPBEAT HIPHOP MUSIC) Why don't you pass me the fuckin' rock.
(UPBEAT HIPHOP MUSIC) The key to playing with me is don't be intimidated.
- Do you know anyone here or ? - No.
(GRUNTING) - Keep your eye on the ball.
- I'll take her.
Don't, okay, ow.
- You want some of this? - I don't.
Ever see this shot? Off the tits.
(GROANING) MAN: Are you, uh, are you okay? - Get back, get back, get back.
- Okay.
My boobs are burning.
God, okay, let's go again.
- Team.
- We're on opposing teams.
Oh, tweet, tweet, tweet, little birdie gonna fly away.
Tweet, tweet, tweet, little birdie gonna fly away.
You have no eyes, you ready? I don't think you're ready.
I don't think you're ready.
(GROANING) WOMAN: Oh I asked if you were ready, I'm so sorry.
(GROANING) Oh fuck.
Okay listen, just the point I'm trying to make is that women are good at basketball.
I'm not, clearly, I'm terrible, but I've never really played before and I don't really know the rules and I don't think I really like it.
I thought I'd be great, I thought I'd come out here and I'd like, rip it up, but that's not what happened and I as you were.
High five.
(GROANING) Get over it, man, I bleed every month.
WOMAN: Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
Okay, uh, Jaden, Chloe, Lola, Sinbad, you are at the table for kids, adults are at this table.
GRANDMA: Uh, where should should we go dear? WOMAN: Oh, uh, Grandma and Auntie Mo, and, uh, Katie's friend who had nowhere else to go, you're over there at the table for racists, homophobes and people who can't stay off their phone.
GRANDMA: Oh, okay.
I think we can all enjoy our meal now.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Uh, where do I sit? Oh, shit, Uncle Bob, I forgot to do a table for climate change deniers.
Um You know what, let's put you out there on the deck, I think you'll be very comfortable, shorts weather, I'll grab you a pair.
Haberforth, thank you for meeting with us today.
I'm gonna get right to it, the Funding Committee is extremely concerned about the progress of your project.
We were thrilled, Mr.
Haberforth, to find that you had discovered a way to travel through time.
- Thank you.
- I'm not finished.
We were thrilled, until we found through extensive study that only you possess this ability.
I'm the only time traveller you've got.
GOLD SWEATER: So you can understand our frustrations when we read these field reports.
- April 20th, 1889.
- Hitler's birthday.
GOLD SWEATER: Hung around outside the hospital for a bit, then encountered 24-year-old self, also in the past on a mission, was struck by my own ruggedly handsome appearance, the impish charm of my youth, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda.
You sucked your own dick until the time codes ran out and you were transported home.
- Well.
- Well nothing.
September 1964, the New York Military Academy, your job was simple.
You were to find a young Donald Trump, give him a hug, tell him to spend most of his time alone, on an island.
And what, Mr, Haberforth, did you in fact do? God, I've been in so many places in time, you know? So many wild adventures BRUNETTE: You sucked your own dick, Mike! You went to the Catskills and you found yourself on a vacation to the past and you went to town.
You just went to town, I'm sorry.
HABERFORTH: I love vacationing in the past, okay.
Nature's not ruined yet.
If I look at your log book for that date, all it says is, "Oops, I'm sorry".
And I am so sorry.
BLACK SWEATER: I see, so your sorry about Paris 1789, Poland 1512.
New Toronto 2245.
All you ever do Is plunge yourself at various times, on various missions and suck your own goddamn dick.
It's it's actually disgusting, you're disgusting.
- HABERFORTH: Like you wouldn't.
- No, I wouldn't.
- I don't know.
- Wouldn't do it, because I'm Um, what was that? (SIGHING HEAVILY) Nothing, I was thinking about science.
- Oh for god - Oh, come on.
BLACK SWEATER: I will come over there.
Ugh, don't you fist bump him! Couldn't even make it through one meeting? I just went through this meeting, I came back to cheer myself up.
(LAUGHING) Such power.
He's not coming back.
- Ugh.
- Come on.
Oh not now Jerry, we're dealing with JERRY: We found another one.
GOLD SWEATER: What? Another time traveller.
- It's true.
- Oh man! BLUE SHIRT: You've been to the past? TIME TRAVELLER: Oh yes.
BRUNETTE: And? Well, I certainly didn't go back in time so I could lick my own vagina.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
But you'll never believe who I got to do it for me.
I'm talking, Picasso, I'm talking DaVinci, I'm taking Marie Curie, I'm talking Cleopatra, she got the eyes of a witch and the mouth of a slutty little witch.
Why give a shit about humanity, eh? Why? Why give a shit about science? No, I met a lot of scientists down under though, if you know what I mean.
I don't know why we bother.

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