Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

Start By Having Rich Parents

1 I have to tell you, Sheila, like I've been off caffeine for three full days now and truly, I feel amazing.
I feel great, never better.
- How's Paul? - Paul, well, you know, - we had a couple hard days and - Yeah.
I'll definitely miss him.
But I'm sleeping better.
My headache's are completely gone.
Wow, that seems worth it.
Yeah, totally.
- Eh.
- It was a good time.
It's a hard day.
It was a hard day, but now I feel wonderful.
- Felling really good? - Mhm.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh WHITE BLAZER: I can feel you looking at me, Melanie, - what's up? - Sorry to bother you.
I just was wondering when is it T-O and when is it T-O-O? Oh, you still don't know that? Um, yeah, T-O-O is when something is too much or a lot - or, like, in addition to.
- (SNORING) Sorry, you can use it in a sentence? Oh, yeah, sure.
Clarity.
"Um, Melanie is a lot.
She's kind of too much for most people," T-O-O.
MELANIE: Too much of a good thing.
Ooh whoa oh.
Thank you.
Yeah, or if you just wanted to use it with one O, it would be something like, "Do you want to invite Melanie to the party we're having tonight?" BLACK DRESS: No.
(LAUGHS) Oh, sorry.
How about, like, "Can Melanie come, too?" Melanie coming, too? See, that just feels wrong in my mouth.
WHITE BLAZER: Yeah, it would be more like, "Melanie can't come, too," T-O-O.
MELANIE: She can if she is available.
WHITE BLAZER: Oh, okay, well, in that case, it would be something like, "Even though Melanie's available, we're gonna take every measure we can to keep her from coming to the party, too.
" MELANIE: What if Melanie doesn't want to come, too? Think about that.
WHITE BLAZER: Well, if Melanie doesn't wanna come, then that works out great for everyone.
Yeah, works for me.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Works out great.
- Solves the problem.
- MELANIE: Guess what? It works for me, too.
- Hey, that's the correct usage.
- Yes.
- Yeah, that's great.
- Oh, hey, Melanie, I can't wait for you to have your own party.
Oh, my god, we're so sorry (MUMBLES) Okay, so Melanie's having her own party, but no one's coming to it.
- Yeah.
- Uh! So that would be T-O, right? - Exactly, T-O.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, so I bought this cheese in your shop.
It cost me $40, and when I got it home, there was a hair stuck to it.
No, I don't have a receipt.
Nevertheless, I would like my money back.
Oh, really? Oh, really, you don't take cheese back, do you? Okay, well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do then.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
What am I gonna do? I, I, I am gonna go online and I am going to write your, your, mm, your unsanitary cheese shop a scathing review on Yelp.
Boom.
Mic drop, ha! Oh, hi.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah.
It's all good.
It's just I'm returning some cheese.
You sure? Do you need to call anybody? No, I, thank you, sir.
That's very kind.
(INHALES) Okay.
(EXHALES) So, I bought this cheese here, it cost me $40, and there is a hair stuck to it.
Oh, yeah, we can take that back.
- Wait, wait, what? - Here.
- (STAMMERING) Wait, I I, oh.
- Take this.
Your next purchase is on us.
Ah Did you wanna fight? Yes, please, I would like to have a little bit of a fight.
- Sure.
- Yeah, um, so Where's your receipt? I I don't, I don't have a receipt.
I can't take it back without a receipt.
Oh, yeah, well, uh, the name of the store is stamped on the cheese, okay? How do I know you didn't just beat up somebody and steal it? Who does that? - You might.
- Really? Yeah, you look like the kind who might.
I am gonna go on Yelp and I am gonna give this place a scathing review.
Scathing.
I'm gonna blow up the Internet.
I'm gonna break it.
Oh, my god, you've scared me so much.
- Yeah.
- Please, take our money.
Leave the cheese.
Thank you, thank you.
Was that so hard? It's called customer service.
Fine.
- Thank you.
- Fine.
Thank you, that was really satisfying.
You're so welcome, a lot of people really like that.
- That's great, too.
- See you again.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Good afternoon and welcome to this week's edition of the Top 40 Under 40.
Today we are joined by four remarkable individuals who all achieved great success before the age of 40.
(APPLAUDING) MODERATOR: And, of course, what's on all our minds and the reason we're here to chat is to find out how you did it.
I can do it.
Oh, good.
Okay.
Hi, my name's Maria.
Um, so I, I always knew that I wanted to be a fashion designer, and even when I was a little girl, I was always, you know, drawing on napkins.
Yeah.
FASHION DESIGNER: My parents paid for me to go to design school, and then they supported me when I went to New York for two years to do an unpaid internship.
And then they, uh, freed up my trust fund early, and just like that, I had a label.
Okay, okay.
Well, great, inspiring story.
Starting on napkins.
- Yeah.
- So just moving on from there.
- MODERATOR: Fantastic.
- Thank you, thank you.
MODERATOR: Fantastic story.
Sorelle, can you weigh in on your experiences in business and and really how you've approached, uh, your success? For me, it's really been about putting the time in and making sure I did all the research required.
- So important.
- Yeah.
Also, my parents are very wealthy, so they had me set up with all the right connections, like, right off the bat, and then it was just like, (WHISTLES) right to the moon, yep.
Just like that.
Wow, okay.
Um, you know what? Why don't we, uh, pass the Mic down to Elani.
If you can speak to any of the young up-and-coming directors out there.
Uh, you know, I would definitely say, just start by having rich parents.
I mean, it's just faster.
Yeah.
It really is.
(LAUGHING) MAN: My, uh ELANI: Oh.
My parents have actually been pretty hands off.
MODERATOR: Oh, great.
So then how did you go from being an assistant at a garage to the CEO of a bioengineering firm? Mhm.
Yeah, my aunt owns the company, and she hired me before I was even done school.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Mhm.
A rich aunt.
FASHION DESIGNER: That's amazing.
Yeah.
She's like a mother to me, my aunt, she's amazing.
Very wealthy.
- Yeah.
- My uncle's a diplomat, so.
It's important to leverage those connections in order to remove regulations so that we could dispose of waste without any kind of oversight.
Yeah.
ELANI: Also, it's a really great way to smuggle coke into the country.
(LAUGHING) Eat the pecans or some other snack thing.
It's just, there's nothing.
Do you wanna order in maybe? I don't know.
Have one of these flakes.
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
Guess what? On Sunday, instead of sleeping in, I woke up early and I did lunch prep for the entire week.
- Wow.
- What? Roasted organic chicken, French lentils, new potatoes, sautéed eggplants, and steamed broccoli.
RED DRESS: Shut up.
How did you even manage this? I just did it.
I know, I know, I don't even know who I am right now.
I know who you are.
You're amazing.
This is, like, amazing.
I'm going to get a burrito like an arsehole.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Do you guys want one? - Sure, I guess.
- I'm jealous.
- Oh, well, it is delicious.
See you guys later.
Hashtag goals.
Thank you.
STRIPED SHIRT: Hey, hey, girl, we're going out for sushi, do you wanna come join us? Oh, nope, got my prepped lunch.
What is it today? - Oh, it's the, uh, it's the same thing.
- (IN UNISON) Oh.
You know, the whole point of meal prep is that you make a lot of the same food, so you, you make it easy on yourself.
That's great, so admirable.
Well, we're gonna go out for Japanese.
(IN UNISON) Yeah! If you change your mind.
Tempura, tempura, tempura Soba soba soba noodles, soba Have a great time! BLACK BLAZER: Oh, we will, bye! (CHIMING) (LAUGHING) I have never had so much fun at a tapas restaurant.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
(GAGS) What's the smell? Oh, uh, it's the broccoli from my prepped lunch.
It's a few days old now.
BLACK BLAZER: Ew.
I'm sorry.
(GAGGING) It just fills the room.
Okay, come on, hon.
I'm gonna hold your hair, I'm gonna hold your hair.
Hold it in, hold it in.
- Come on, hold it in, here.
- (GAGGING) Let me hold you, let me hold you up.
(JOVIAL WOMEN CHATTING) Hey, guys.
How's it going? (IN UNISON) Hi.
BLACK SHIRT: Guess what? I made you guys all soup today so that you didn't have to spend so much money on always going out for lunch.
- That's so nice.
- Oh, my god.
What, uh, what, uh, what is it? Oh, it is a soup, uh, that I made from my lunch prep ingredients, and the broccoli GOLD SHIRT: Yeah, okay, you know what? So, we're gonna order in that pizza buffet - from the artisanal pizza place.
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Oh.
- Um, but you know what? Maybe you should stay here, because that broccoli smell It's pretty strong.
I'm so sorry.
(GAGGING) Oh, okay, she's gonna go, she's gonna go.
(GAGGING) STRIPED SHIRT: Don't puke on my back.
(SIGHS) (GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL) I made mine into smoothies.
(GENTLE ROMANTIC MUSIC) - Oh, my god.
- Ugh, ugh.
- Oh my god.
- Oh, my god.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
(POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (LAUGHING) That's awesome.
I can't believe it's my one-year anniversary tonight.
- What? - Yeah, with Paul.
We're going out for dinner.
You guys have been together a year already? I know, I can't believe it.
I can't believe I haven't met him.
Well, it's just that, like, he's a bit of an introvert.
Okay, well, whatever, I'm your best friend.
I know.
It just might be a bit much for him, so.
Well, you should ask him out to hang out with us sometime.
I did, I did today.
He's over there.
That guy? That guy.
Yeah, hi, baby.
- Under the tree? - Yes.
SHORT HAIR: That's your boyfriend? - BRAID: That's my boyfriend.
- That's Paul? Well, why isn't he saying hi to us? 'Cause he's an introvert, and it's, like, a bit much for him.
Yeah, but he's, like, he's acting like we're not even here.
Uh, because he's an introvert.
I mean, I don't know how many ways to say it.
Whatever, whatever.
I wanna say hi, I'm gonna Oh, don't.
No, no, I'm gonna call him over.
I'm calling him over.
- Paul! Come here! - Don't, he won't like it.
SHORT HAIR: Paul! Hello? BRAID: Please stop.
He doesn't like to be called over.
SHORT HAIR: What does that even mean, he doesn't like to be called over? MAN: Hey, Paul.
What's up, man? PAUL: Hey.
MAN: Guys, it's Paul.
- PAUL: Hey, what's up? - What's up, man? How you doin'? - PAUL: Good, good.
- MAN 2: Hey, nice to meet ya.
- PAUL: Paul.
- Oh, we're hugging now.
Okay.
Are you, are you sure he's an introvert? Yeah, I'm totally sure.
Listen, he doesn't like going to parties, doesn't wanna engage in small-talk, and he certainly doesn't wanna hang out with people he doesn't know.
(EXHALES) PAUL: Uh-huh, you guys love David Wilcox.
You know it! Are you sure he's not just, like, an asshole? PAUL: Boom.
You have to watch the Walkman.
MAN: Yeah, you gotta watch that.
PAUL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, he's an asshole.
- He's an asshole! He's an asshole.
Okay, thank you, totally.
- Okay, you're welcome.
- Oh my gosh.
- I'm sorry to say something.
- No no no.
- It was a bit weird.
- Okay, okay.
- Do you wanna go out for dinner? - Nope, I'm busy.
Well, I just wanna be alone.
(GROOVY MUSIC) Hey, man, what can I get ya? Hi, I'm a woman.
Um, can I have two flat whites, please? Dual flat whites, comin' up.
Good weekend? Yeah, you look like it was.
Come on, up top, up top.
Don't leave me hangin', don't leave me hangin', right, man? You know you want it.
Alright.
Hey, what can I get for you, my friend? I just want an Americano with an extra shot.
Good choice, I've had five.
Okay, Americano, extra shot, extra hot, 'cause I guess that's how you like it, like it, like it, like it Monday, am I right, am I right, am I right, am I right? Yeah.
I'll have a medium drip? Sure, medium drip, how do you like it? Oh, I like it black, uh, no questions about my day, no small-talk about the weather, and preferably with no eye contact.
Thanks.
I can do that.
- Down there.
- Yeah, that's perfect.
Good to know.
Hi.
How would you like me to take your coffee order? (TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, there's no toilet paper in there, by the way.
Oh, no toilet paper, that's interesting.
What did, uh, you use to wipe yourself with then? I, uh, I used the last little bit of toilet paper.
(LAUGHS) And you expect me to believe that? Tammy? How do you know my name? Mm mm, well, I know a lotta things, huh? (WHISPERING) I know a lotta things.
Like, I know the odds of you going in that stall and finding the exact amount of toilet paper to give yourself a satisfactory wipe with.
They're slim.
(WHISPERING) They're so very slim.
Well, well, that's what happened.
I don't know what to tell you.
You don't know what to tell me? Well, you can start by telling me the goddamn truth, Tammy! - (SQUEALING) - (CRASHING) Huh? You used the last little bit of it, huh? - Yes.
- You used the little bit of it? So you're telling me there was toilet paper when you walked into this stall? - Yes.
- Yeah? Yeah?! And you knew that before ya sat down - on the toilet seat? - Yes.
Well, here's a question for ya, Tammy, huh.
- Do I look like a piano? - No.
Then why are you playing me, Tammy? - (SMACK) - Ah! Please! Why are you playing me? Please, I just wanna wash my hands.
Here's what I think happened.
I think you went into that stall and you sat down and you took a big, stinky whiz.
You shocked yourself with your own stink, and then you looked over, guess what you saw? Nothin'.
You found something else to wipe your hoohoo with.
No.
What was it, Tammy? Tell me what it was! (SOBBING) What did you use, Tammy?! What did you uuussseee, huh?! You use a subway transfer? No.
You use a clean receipt, huh? No.
No.
WOMAN: Oh, I had a bagel this morning.
I got that tucked away, so I'm gonna use that crinkly, shitty wrapper.
WHAT DID YOU USE?! I USED MY HAND, ALRIGHT?! (SOBS) I used my own my own hand.
(SNIFFS) (MOCKING SOUND) Did you ever, what are you drinkin'? You could change it.
Listen, go, you need to check your diet.
Go wash your pee hands.
(WHISTLES) Go wash your pee hands.
God.
Scrub, scrub, scrub, come on.
Where you goin'? Get, Tammy, get outta here.
What, did you not just see what happened? What is wrong with people? (EXHALES) TANK TOP: I'm just asking why do you think you need a bench all to yourself? That's all I'm askin'.
- It's not a big deal.
- I'm just sitting here.
Somebody else wants to sit here, they can sit their ass down.
(RAISED VOICES ARGUING) COP: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, ladies, settle down.
(BUZZING DOOR) (MECHANICAL DOOR OPENING) Got a new friend for ya, asswipes.
- (BUZZING) - (MECHANICAL DOOR CLOSING) I tore a man's nose off with my goddamn teeth.
I held up a bank with a butter knife.
What are you in for, sweet tits? I'm in here for my (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) Illegal lashes.
Sorry, what, what? My lashes are so long, they're illegal.
- Illegal.
- Oh, illegal, illegal.
Your lashes are? - (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) - My lashes are so long, they're a criminal offence.
Okay, hold up, hold up.
So this bitch is in here because - (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) - Because my lashes are illegal.
Did you steal them from someone or? Like, take them off their eye and stick it to your own eye, like - (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) - And so I'm on the run for my illegal lashes.
Whoa.
Don't need to tell me twice.
- (BUZZING) - Okay, ladies.
Looks like the Crown made a deal.
You, you, you, free to go.
In exchange, Lashes here has gotta stay.
What's gonna happen to her? She's gettin' life.
- (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) - LASHES: A life of illegal lashes.
They're illegal.
They're great.
(POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, my god.
Ashley, Min? Oh, hey, Rachel.
You guys, I heard about the flood at your place.
Are you guys okay? Yeah, it was pretty bad though.
We lost all of our furniture, and clothing, and linens, and bedding.
Oh, my god, that sounds so horrible.
I'm, like, sending you so much love and light.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Our neighbour has started a clothing drive for us.
Oh, okay.
Is she is she accepting, like, so much love? Yeah, well, she's accepting sweaters, - and, uh, coats for the kids.
- Okay.
And warm hats and mitts.
Is she looking for love? Because I got a lot of that, and I'm gonna give it to you guys.
I'm gonna give you all of it.
Okay, well, we're really, like, feeling the love from the people who have donated, uh, clothes and food.
- And, uh, furniture.
- Thanks.
What happened is just so awful.
Yeah, well, when the pipes burst, they shorted out all the power, so we lost all the food in our fridge and our freezer.
Okay, my heart, my heart goes out to you guys.
Is there anything, like, that I can actually do, though? Like, is there something I could do? Yeah, uh, Kristen is, uh, starting a food drive to restock the freezer, so.
Oh, yeah, I know Kristen.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call her up and I'm gonna make sure she sends you, like, so much love to send your way.
Just food would be great actually.
Or clothes, even.
Yes, I love you guys so much.
There hug you, I send you a huggie.
- Ohhhh.
- Yay.
Okay, listen, I gotta go, okay? But I want you to know that I love you, I send you so much love and light.
I have to get to yoga, but I'm gonna do an extra downward dog for you, okay? Yeah, you bend right over.
That's for me, that'd be great.
I will.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Love you, lady.
- Bye.
- Love you, lady Lou.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
(SNORTS) Whatever, whatever, whatever.
- Whatever.
- Don't think about it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You'll be happy to know that the lady who just left covered your bill.
(IN UNISON) Oh! Thank you.
- WAITRESS: With a note.
- MIN : That was nice.
WAITRESS: "Greetings, sending so much love and light.
" So, it'll be $28.
95, please.
Uh, can I have the machine? You can I have the machine.
I do not accept love and light as a tip, just so you know.
Just I think.
(PLAYFUL JAZZ MUSIC) (BUZZING) Oh, fuck.
WOMAN: Yes.
Yes.
Wrong corner.
I'm comin' for ya.
- (CYMBALS CRASH) - Yes! - Eat that! - (CYMBALS CRASH) Stay.
- (PLAYFUL JAZZY MUSIC) - Stay.
Oh.
Uhhhh.
Hello, hemorrhoid.
Tuck that back up.
(GRUNTS) (PLAYFUL JAZZY MUSIC) (GRUNTING) I didn't know it would be this hard.
And have I hurt you in some way? (SCREAMING) You are so dead.
(SCREAMING) You know what? That's it.
We're done.
This is over.
Are you around? Hi.
Hey.
- Why don't you roll over? - Okay.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Grab that sheet.
This one? That's right, now pull it down hard.
- Okay.
- Oh, real hard.
WOMAN: Give it a real good tug, over the corner.
Like that? Ohhh, yes.
Yes! Thank you, Ryan.
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
- My name's Tom.
- Tom.
So good of you, so kind.
And you, (LAUGHS) you little tiger, I'll see you next Sunday.
Every time.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING) Ugh.
You know, ever since Jaden started school, I've gotten seriously every cold that's been going around.
I know.
I mean, I love my kids, but they are Petri dishes for every single bacteria out there.
I've had, like, three stomach bugs, four colds, and I've had, like, lice twice.
Oh, really? You know who never gets sick? Denise.
I mean, she never takes that thing off.
BLUE SHIRT: Love your bubble! It's great.
Oh.
Oh.
Ohhh, that's Ohhh.
DENISE: Okay, uh, kid, a little help, whoa.
BLUE SHIRT: Oh, did she hit the kid? Yes she did.
Ho, yeah.
Let's go Let's go for coffee sometime.
(IN UNISON) Sure.