Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s03e10 Episode Script

My Bangs Do Not Define Me

1 (SOFT COUNTRY MUSIC) BARTENDER: These are compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar.
- What? - Yeah.
They were too spicy.
They're not very good, no.
But uh, I'll take the blue cheese back though.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh DR.
LOCKY: Melissa? Hello.
DR.
LOCKY: Hi, I'm Dr.
Corrie Locky.
Pleasure to meet you.
Very nice to meet you.
Okay, well I'm surprised that at your age that you've never had a GP before.
Well it's just really hard.
I'm having such a hard time finding a GP that's taking on new patients.
- Yeah.
- Like, holy moly! It can be hard in the city, yeah.
It is really hard.
Well listen, before I decide to take you on as a patient, are you comfortable answering a few personal questions? Oh my god, yes! Yes! - Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
- Good.
Um, and I just need you to answer them honestly.
What?! Oh no! I have a problem now.
I will.
Whatever you want me to do, I'll do that.
I'll do whatever you're thinking that you want, - I'll do it.
- Great.
Okay good.
I'll start with an easy one, do you smoke? No! I'm just Yes.
Well that, (FUNNY VOICE) what are you doing? I do it, but like, it's just a, not - When I drink.
- When you drink? - MELISSA: Yeah.
- Okay, how much do you drink? Well, it depends how much I want to smoke.
Can you give me a specific number? Yes I can.
And I The normalest one.
Do you wanna give me a number? Yes I do, and like, I'm gonna use a scale 'cause I'm a math person, so I'm a good person, that you won't want me, you will want me around.
So I'm gonna give you Okay, so what number would you give me? Like on a one to ten? Sure.
What's the normalest number in the middle? Five, oh, I don't know.
- Five - Hoop.
A five.
Five cigarettes or drinks? Cigs.
Cigarettes? Okay, and how many drinks a week would you say you have? Mmmmmmmmmm.
- 31.
- 31? - 11.
- 11? MELISSA: 17, 6.
- DR.
LOCKY: Six? - Two.
- Two? - Minus point five.
Five? And, are you sexually active? Uhh, like I wouldn't say that I go buck-wild and rip my hair out or pinch his nipples or anything, but, what I, but I don't lay there like a lazy starfish.
What I'll do is, like, an average pace.
- Okay.
No I actually just - Like a soft roll.
Yeah, I just, um, I just meant how many partners do you have? About - Normal.
- Normal? You and me.
How many do you have? I mean, whatever you have, I have.
- The usual, average.
- Just ballpark? No, I've never had sex in a ballpark.
I will.
Do you want me to? What's it like? I don't know if you know that, but I'm gonna do that for you.
- Okay.
Okay.
- And then you'll be my doctor.
- Melissa, Melissa.
- Yes? It's okay, just relax.
- Relax, it's okay.
- Really? DR.
LOCKY: It's okay to have a cigarette, it's okay to have a drink, it's okay to have sex.
None of that is gonna stop me from taking you on as a patient, okay? I'm sorry and thank you so much, and I apologize for any Don't worry, it's natural.
Okay so, what brings you here? Well blrrr, drum roll! I I'm thinkin' I'm gonna have a baby.
I'd like to have a baby.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Oooh, actually in that case, I'm not accepting patients.
I forgot to mention that.
- Not now, or ever, really.
- Wha Thanks, Felicia.
Till now.
It's Melissa.
- Okay, whatever.
- Whatever.
- Thanks.
- Okay, thank you.
Okay.
- You can go.
- I'm still here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(FOOTSTEPS) Alice? - Hi! - Oh, hi! Hi! I didn't know you went to this church.
Oh, I just popped in.
Oh, well, don't let me interrupt your prayers.
Oh, (LAUGHS) no, I wasn't praying.
I was trying to figure out where to put my furniture when this place goes condo.
Great natural light.
You can't beat the location.
Yeah.
I have some work to do.
Okay.
Hm.
Do you think they'd throw in some of these bench things? Certainly got a lot of them.
Nobody sitting in them.
Maybe if they had WiFi, coffee bar.
Wouldn't have gone out of business.
(CLEARS THROAT) Just saying.
(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL) Okay.
I will be my own stylist.
Thank you, YouTube! Oh, no.
Just thought it would be better.
Got a lot to play with.
Little trim here, little trim there.
You are a good person.
Uh oh.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (NERVOUS SQUEAL) Believe in yourself! (GRUNT) I'm sweatin' like a pig.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Maybe this time.
Just even it out.
It's even.
Ho! (BUZZING NOISE) If I just got my nose done, it would pull focus.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) You lived through the nineties.
You know what to do.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Terrible product.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Oh, that's better! You got a lot there, so.
(EXHALES) I don't know about this one.
I think I went to a dark place.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC) (LAUGHTER) No, I'm not from Paris.
I just cut my own bangs.
That's dumb! Okay, that's not so bad.
This is really bad.
Take what off? This is my bangs! (YELLS) I'll have the sushi.
(EXHALES) I need to fix this.
My bangs do not define me.
You got that? (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, David? - Hey.
- Hello, I'm Bangs.
Ah, Kim.
- Hi.
- Hi.
KIM: So nice to meet you.
Hi, welcome.
I'll have the hot spinach pasta.
WAITRESS: Anything to drink? KIM: No thank you.
- WAITRESS: Nice bangs.
- Thank you.
My pubic hair is way better.
We'll get that to go, please.
(UPLIFTING MUSIC) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Um, Andrea? Mmm hmm? TINA: I just need to file a complaint.
Is this the right place to do it? Come on in.
I'm just gonna finish this.
Sit yourself down.
And I am here to listen.
TINA: So I was in the break room, and I was getting something from the fridge, - and then I bent over.
- Mhm.
TINA: And Kevin kind of leaned in and put his face on my ass.
- Tina, I am so sorry.
- Yeah.
ANDREA: Okay, is it possible that it was a gust of wind? A gust of wind put its face on my ass? ANDREA: It's a gusty office.
Lots of winds blowing.
Sort of (BLOWING) Look! Look at that.
BRUCE: What's going on? - Oh, actually - Hey, Bruce.
Bruce, I'm just having a private conversation with Andrea.
Yeah, Tina's accusing Kev of him putting his face on her ass.
I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.
I mean, maybe he was trying to pick up some garbage that fell on your dress and his hands were full so he had to use his face.
ANDREA: Yeah! That's possible.
Mmm hmm.
- Maybe it was an owl.
- Mm.
BRUCE: That was my first thought too.
An owl? RED DRESS: Yeah, so, Tina, last week I thought that Kevin came up behind me and undid my bra, but then I talked to the team here and we decided that actually what happened was (WHISPERS) I was being a bit of a crazy bitch.
And what's much more likely is that an owl somehow got in the building.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe through an open window, we'll probably never know.
But the point is, it fluttered by me and then it went to town.
BRUCE: Here's the thing.
(LAUGHS) Uh, Kevin's a great guy, I golf with Kevin.
I've personally never met an owl I can golf with.
(LAUGHTER) No, I-I, that is so true.
Owls? Have you seen the way their heads can turn? Like Have you seen that, Tina, before? It's like I'm not trying to get your friend, Kevin, fired, okay? I-I just want it on the record that Kevin Or an owl.
I find it actually really hard to believe that there's an owl loose.
SUE: Hey guys, don't mind me, I'm just grabbing a file.
Sue, can you back me up on this? Sure.
Weren't you saying that-that Kevin's being, like, lurking around the women's washroom kind of like, sniffing at the door.
SUE: Oh, um TINA: You told me that he whispered the lyrics to "Purple Rain" in your ear while he was sort of weirdly touching his nipples? SUE: Yeah, that's what I thought happened.
But then together we figured out what it was that really happened.
What happened? Do you know that episode of "The Twilight Zone" where a man is given an enchanted watch that freezes time, and he accidentally messes with the space time continuum then he stumbles into an alternate dimension? Sue probably accidentally did that.
Yes, it was sorcery and the Kevin that I thought that I saw was just, um (WHISPERS) sorry, what was it? A whole bunch of owls squeezed into a human costume.
Owls squeezed into a human costume.
ANDREA: And that is like way more likely than Kevin running around molesting a bunch of women in the office.
Think about it.
This is a serious complaint.
And have you thought about how much this is gonna upset Kev? I didn't think so.
Okay, great.
I'm glad we sorted this.
Thank you for coming in.
Thank you for sharing, and thank you everybody for helping Tina here remember what really really happened.
I mean, he did organize the charity raffle last year, right? So ANDREA: That's something! - Yeah.
- Hey, guys! - BRUCE & ANDREA: Hey, Kev! - Hey.
Ugh.
KEVIN: Hey, Tina! Keep up the good work! Alright.
Okay.
Boo.
- Honka.
- Oh! Woot woot! I'll see you guys.
Whoa.
RED DRESS: Wow.
Okay, you know what? I think it's time that someone spoke up and admitted what's going on here.
Thank you! RED DRESS: This office has an owl problem! I would say.
SUE: It's a big owl problem.
ANDREA: Thank you Tina for coming in.
So nice to chat with you.
I might just look for another job at another company.
ANDREA: Go ahead, sweetheart.
Word to the wise, there's a lot of owls out there! A lot of owls.
(ROCK MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh So cute.
I'm just here to return a shirt.
Okay, um, I got a new phone so I don't know Okay! So your store credit will Oh! I don't want a store credit, I-I want my money back.
Okay, you just need to be calm and I'll get you your money back.
I'm calm.
No, like really calm.
I'm super calm.
I just want my $300 back, please.
It was a gift from my brother's girlfriend.
Okay, so you'd like your brother's girlfriend's money back? I would like the money and the value that she spent on it to go back to me in my wallet.
Okay, that sounds like algebra.
But what I can tell you, we have a 30 day return policy in our store.
This is not within that.
And this definitely is within that time, because it was a birthday present.
My birthday was only about a week ago.
Happy belated birthday.
Thank you so much.
And the date's on here, so Actually, I need you to prove to me that your brother's girlfriend actually bought it in the store.
So like, I don't really know her and I don't remember Well, it's actually super easy.
One, it's like right over there hanging on the mannequin.
It is written here on the label.
It's also written here on the tag.
Fine, if you just remain calm.
Oh, I'm-I'm calm.
What's wrong with the shirt? Just here, it's uh, it's just like too big.
Can you just try it on for me? Oh, no, I don't need to try it on.
Would you like your $300 back? Yeah, sure.
No problem.
No, I will try it on.
It's just store policy, so.
You don't even have to keep talking.
I understand what you said.
CLERK: Just try it on and I'll stop.
See? It's just not really me.
It looks great! No, it doesn't.
It does not look good at all.
I think it's beautiful.
No, I do not look beautiful.
I think you look pretty nice.
No, I look like a renaissance clown who paints portraits on the side to make money.
- I'd buy that portraiture.
- I'm not selling it.
I don't think it's beautiful.
I think it's too big.
I think, in fact, two people could fit in here.
CLERK: I don't know if there's room for two people.
- There is! - You know what I like? - Facts! And here we go.
- Okay, alright.
You know what? CLERK: Boo, here I am and I'm just not fitting comfortably in this shirt.
Actually, the shirt has never fit better.
CLERK: Well, if you like that the way the shirt fits, you should buy the shirt.
I'm not buying this shirt.
CLERK: You need a shower by the way.
Okay, I just, it's gigantic! I don't know if you saw the sign when you walked in, but you can take a quick read of it now.
"We are not responsible for your damaged perception of self.
" Wow, okay, I don't have a damaged perception of self.
- I'm very - You actually do.
I know I'm super happy with my style and my look, and this does not match either of it.
I mean, listen here, why don't you just like, buy a belt if you think that will help.
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't want a belt.
This is a $400 belt.
Fantastic.
Will that be debit or credit? It will be nothing or nothing.
Actually, it's your job to give me money back and I will take it in cash.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry, that shirt's already been worn.
Uh, you asked me to wear it.
Buy a blazer and we'll call it even.
- How about that? - Yeah, I don't need a blazer.
I'm actually wearing a really nice blazer.
I don't need another one.
I just want to return this goddamn shirt! Oops, you stretched! You break it, you bought it.
No I just, it was already bought.
Well done us, fantastic! Thank you for coming in! Lovely to speak to you, not really.
- Goodbye.
- Okay, give me a belt.
It'll be $400, please.
Thank you.
I'm keeping the shirt.
That's great! You're a monster.
You're a clown.
Still think you look great in the shirt.
Okay guys, it was a great season! I'm really proud of you.
I've got some trophies to give out.
When I call your name, please come up and accept your award.
Uh, Kiera.
Where's Kiera? - Oh! - Hi.
Alright.
You managed to stay off your phone, for the most part, even when the game was super boring.
- Proud of you, kid.
- Thanks, Coach! Okay, uh, oh, where's Jason? Yup, yup, that's me! Excuse me.
Okay.
Jason, you remembered your kids' water bottle each and every game.
- Great hustle, great hustle! - Thank you.
Okay, where's Gemma? GEMMA: Oh, oh.
I am very pleased to give you the MVP award, Most Valuable Parent.
Your decision to spike the parents' coffee thermos, ah, it just it really turned the season around and brought us together as a team.
Okay guys, so that's it for the season.
Ummm, I guess I'll see you next year unless you choose to play another sport, which I think some of you should really think about doing.
Don't scowl at me like that! Where was that fire during the season? So you're gonna go to the mandatory fun day? Well, it's mandatory so.
- I guess.
- Ohhhhh.
Kaitlyn's here.
WOMAN 1: She's too quirky.
It's too much.
I don't want it.
WOMAN 2: (WHISPERS) What's wrong with her? It looks like a fabric store threw up on her.
Oh! What a klutz! Oh! And the way she's always bursting into song about how weird she is.
- Ugh.
- It sucks.
She sucks.
WOMAN 1: Mmm hmm.
KAITLYN: Oh my gosh.
Did you guys see that? - Uh huh.
- Yeah.
Could I be more awkward? Oh.
(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL) WOMAN 1: I don't care.
I don't know.
(PLAYFUL UPLIFTING INSTRUMENTAL) I start my day at 9 a.
m.
Say to myself, "Oh, here we go again.
"Be confident.
"Be smart.
"Try to stay alert.
"And for god-sakes Kaitlyn, learn to flirt.
" - Hi! - Ah! Every time.
(SCOFFS) I'm just a Junior Ad Exec.
I try to do my best.
- Whoo! - MAN: Come on! But if there's one thing I'll admit, Is that I'm a total mess! Jesus Christ! It burns! I need this job so I don't go broke.
Too bad my boss thinks I'm a total joke.
Can you put that down, please? Thank you.
Oh I hope she doesn't see Just how awkward I can be! If only the silly little quirky girl could find (TOILET WHOOSHING) someone who loved my heart and my mind.
Someone who likes my big weird skirts And when I go ballistic.
Someone who wears ironic t-shirts Whose dreamy and artistic.
But who? (FUN PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL) I've literally asked you out twice! Both times you pretend like you literally didn't understand what I was saying and then you immediately sang a song about how you wished you could find anyone who fit my exact description! (STAMMERING) It's hurtful and it's weird what you're doing! What's that, friend? That's me! That's my I think you're a bad person! I'm the worst at the flirts Don't stand a chance at work And the guys I meet are jerks But we all have our quirks What? No? Just me? Oh well! (DRAMATIC MUSICAL INSTRUMENTAL) Yes I'm the quirkiest quirkiest quirkiest girl Quirkiest quirkiest quirkiest girl The quirkiest quirkiest girl! You ever did see! La da da da da da La da da da da da! (MUSIC ENDS) Wooo hooo! Quirkiest girl I mean, (SINGING IN BACKGROUND) honestly she seems unwell.
Quirkiest girl I fucking hate her though.
(SCOFFS) (ROCK MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (BELL RINGING) (DOOR OPENS) (GASPS) - EMPLOYEE: Ah, ah, ah! - Ow.
Sweetie, when we touch the crystals, we soil them with our energy, thereby lessening their healing properties.
- Sorry.
- No, it's okay.
I didn't mean to get the, my dirty, like energy on the rocks.
- Crystals.
- Crystals.
Sorry.
- EMPLOYEE: Yeah.
- Okay, well I don't really - Okay, what I'm looking for - Don't tell me! - I'm not gonna tell you? - No, come.
Come.
Come, come come! (STAMMERS) - It's okay, it's okay.
- Really? No, I can touch this.
Do you feel that, do you feel that? Feel the invisible? EMPLOYEE: (EXHALES) No, I don't, because it's not- - Okay.
- Okay, come just right here.
- (EXHALES DEEPLY) - Whoa! (EXHALES DEEPLY) I'm sensing that you have a very weakened immune system.
I'm actually pretty healthy.
Outwardly you may seem healthy, but you see these right here? - My eyes? - These are called pockets of regret.
- Okay.
- And they hold all of your grief.
CUSTOMER: Hmm.
And you're just giving your face a kind of sad basset hound quality.
Good.
- Thank you for - You're welcome.
Could I just get one of those ones.
EMPLOYEE: Don't tell me.
I need to tell you, I'd like to No, I-I, I think it's just really better if you let your body tell me and you keep the words inside your mouth.
- You want my body to tell you? - Yeah! - (EXHALES DEEPLY) - Whoa! Okay, your root chakra is really dry.
Is it? It's very dry.
It's a dry, duttonn It's-it's an energetic - It's a dustbowl down there.
- Alright.
It's all cracked up.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
What do you do for a living? - I'm a - Let me guess.
- Coal miner.
- Paralegal.
- Huh! - Mmm.
Because usually I only see your complexion on people with a very severe vitamin D deficiency.
Oh.
EMPLOYEE: Like 18th Century orphans or, you know, - they have rickets and jaundice - And stuff.
- and loose teeth 'cause they - Doesn't ring a bell.
I'm just gonna look around.
- Ha! - Ha! By myself! - And you stay there.
- I knew it, I knew it.
With those things.
You're a seeker.
You know, the love that you're seeking is right there.
In my throat? That's home for you.
Ding ding ding ding! - I know what I would like.
- Uh huh? I would like a rock that would protect me from negative energy.
Can I have one of those? Rose quartz.
Great! Here we go.
Thank you so much! Oh, oh! Did that How's that for you? Did that work? Fuck! Oh, great! It does work! That's wonderful! How's your, um, how's your chicken? It's kind of dry actually.
Yeah, I think my pasta's a bit globby.
It doesn't feel very hot, and the salad's The salad is like Just oily and Yeah, mine just tastes like the bag it came from.
The lettuce is a bit dry too.
Oh, is it really? Ladies, how's everything so far? Oh, delicious! It's amazing! Thank you so much.
Our compliments to the chef.
Thank you.
- WAITRESS: I'm very glad.
- Thank you.
- Thanks so much.
- Thank you.
Great.
Mhm.
Choke this down.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, bro bro bro bro bro! Check it out, check it out.
I know, man.
That chick, she is bangin'.
Man, she is like slammin'! Yeah (MOANS).
I'd like to hit that.
Yeah, yeah.
Why don't you go tap it, man Yeah.
Tap it.
(DRUMMING) Excuse me, ma'am!! Can I hit that? Uh, yeah.
I was gonna take a break anyways.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
(TAPPING) (OUT OF BEAT DRUMMING) TALL GUY: Alright, okay, easy! Take it easy, man! Take it easy.
You gotta hit it and then you gotta quit it.
That's cool, bro.
Alright, get outta here.
Thanks for the support, man.
Uh, alright.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for, uh, letting us tap that, man - Thanks.
- See you later.
Alright.
You got any bongos I could smack around? No, man.
Take care.
(RHYTHMIC DRUMMING)