Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

Humanity Is In An Awkward Stage

1 So, what's everyone watching? Oh, I know I'm super late to the party, but I just started Friday Night Lights, and I cannot stop binge watching it.
I still haven't watched that.
What? Oh my god, it's so good, season 1 is amazing.
I mean, season 2, not so great, but then 3 to the end, fantastic.
I've just started watching The Leftovers.
Oh it's so good.
I mean, okay, I did find season 1 a little slow, but season 2 is so good.
Yeah, it gets good around like episode 6.
- Six.
- Uh huh.
AURORA: It's okay, I'm not there yet.
And what about you June? What are you watching? Um, I'm really busy sort of living my life, so I guess what I'm watching is, um, I don't know, my kids grow up? Oh, what season are you on? Season 3, season 1 was great, season 2 was terrible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I really loved season 3, and I especially loved season 6, you know, the episode where the kids go to school? Oh my god, a real tear jerker.
AURORA: I don't know, by season 6, I was like, why am I even doing this? Oh my gosh, tell me about it.
I'm waiting for season 18 when they become the state's problem.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater You got the sign off on the speech from the UN? Yes ma'am.
Are you sure about the translation software? As sure as we're ever going to be.
This better work.
JONES: Madam Chancellor, Dr.
We've made contact.
Suit up.
We the people of earth are honored to be making contact with beings from beyond our own planet for the very first time.
The most important message humanity can express to you at this time is- (CRESCENDOING OMINOUS MUSIC) Could you come back a little later.
It's just not a great time right now.
We're just not totally feeling ready to meet you.
We're still trying to work some stuff out of the species so, you know.
MADAM CHANCELLOR: Our humanity is in a bit of an, an awkward phase right now.
WOMAN: Embarrassing really.
MADAM CHANCELLOR: Yeah, embarrassing, that's the word, thank you, yeah.
It's embarrassing.
So, maybe, I don't know, come back in about 500 years? Something like that.
WOMAN: Actually, uh, according to my projections we're going to need at least a thousand years.
Okay, you know what, let's make it a thousand, let's call it a cool thou, okay, and we'll-we'll see you then.
(EERIE INSTRUMENTAL) Well I think that went well.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey listen, you know, there's just no point in getting in a new relationship if you've still got your own stuff to worry work on.
MAN: A 100%.
MADAM CHANCELLOR: Anyway, who wants to go for drinks? - WOMAN: Me.
- MAN: Oh, great.
Ooh, what a relief.
I know, I mean, I wasn't into it either, but you always think you're the one that's messed up, you know.
- Yeah.
Just self-improvement.
- Yeah.
But it takes time.
That was so impressive.
- I really appreciated that honesty.
- Yeah.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'd like to get home and just put my tentacles up.
I'm really hungry.
At least we got our steps in.
I feel really good.
- MAN: Excuse me, excuse me.
- Yes? I-I-I don't mean to bother you, I'm sorry, I know how you ladies always have to deal with being harassed by men to smile for you and that kind of thing, but I-I, I just wanted to say that from my heart, I can tell that you're having a bad day.
And I don't want to tell you how to live your life or anything, but I think it might really help you, if you could smile for me, and I-I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm a man, but I just wish that for one moment, you could feel what I feel when I look at you because you are so so beautiful.
I got it, I got it! Another one! (LAUGHING) - That's five smiles.
- You're the master.
- Five smiles.
- You're the master.
(LAUGHING) Made you smile, made you smile.
Ah stop! Ha, I'm just good.
(SOFT UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL) That seems- that seems really, is that what you do now? Just jump right into that.
I'm 42, so I, and I have children.
(WHISPERING) Shrivelled titties.
(CAMERA CLICKING) Thank god for breastfeeding.
Don't let me down.
(CAMERA CLICKING) Oh god, I think I started my period.
Welcome to dating.
Everyone likes a little soft pink.
Oh god, what did I do in those? No.
Oooh black is sexy.
Is this something? (CAMERA CLICKING) Maybe he's, he's more of a dog guy.
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof! Yeah, let's give this bad boy some fangs, chomp.
(CAMERA CLICKING) Like how bad do you want a date ma'am? Everybody's doing it.
- (CAMERA CLICKING) - (UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL) Nobody wants to see that.
Oh, it's long.
(CLIPPING) Tidy that up.
You know what, I have hair.
You love yourself, maybe not this bra, but you love yourself.
Jiggy jiggy jiggy.
Just need a little lift.
This isn't what I wanted.
Maybe he's into action, okay, self-timer.
- Do you like maki? - (CAMERA CLICKING) Mmm.
- What? - (CAMERA CLICKING) Roar.
I just think I'm smarter than this.
- Smartie pants coming at ya.
- (CAMERA CLICKING) I just need better lighting.
(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL) Ow, fuck, oh that burned.
(SQUIRTING) Oh god, that's vinegar! (WATER RUNNING) Oh great, oh good.
I've left my socks on the whole time.
Screw this.
It just looks better in person.
- Yeah you're right.
- WOMAN: So there you go.
Thank you so much.
Okay, so do you wanna have dinner on Tuesday? - Yeah that's fantastic.
- Okay, I'll see you then.
MAN: Then maybe breakfast on Wednesday? - We'll see how Tuesday goes.
- Yeah that's a good call.
WOMAN: Don't send me a dick pic.
Nothing looks worse than a set of balls and flash.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I cannot use the flash.
Okay, I'll have this ready in ten minutes.
Oh, ah, that pinches, wow.
ROBBER: It's a hold up! Put your arms up everybody! ROBBER: Get on the ground you piece of shit! Down! WOMAN: I would I'm just, I'm stuck in the machine.
Please, I'm a very obedient person! - But I can't get my arm out.
- What? Oh my god.
No, this is, this is incredible.
Are you kidding me? You should be super proud of yourself, - your blood pressure's amazing.
- What? Jean? Jean I'm talking to you, get over here you've got to see something.
I'm kind of in the middle of something here, babe.
Well aren't we all.
I'm serious, you won't regret it.
Get over here right now.
Come here, come here.
Check it out, check it out, check it out.
- 110 over 80, that's amazing.
- I know.
Thank you, I- Yeah, this is a really stressful situation, I would have expected at least like, 130 over 80.
- (BOOM) - Oh Jesus, Sheri, come on.
Sorry, sorry I just-I just wanted to see something.
Oh my god, your BP didn't go up by one point, that's fantastic.
Ah, sorry! What's your secret? Diet, exercise? - Um, I try to eat a balanced diet.
- (CHIMING) - Optimal blood pressure.
- Give me a high five.
Do you understand? This is fantastic.
Okay, do it again, do it again.
- No, really, you don't have other things.
- I want to see it.
Oh, oh, oh, ow.
That pinches it.
- Here we go.
- POLICE: Everybody on the floor! - Get on the floor! - No, you will never take me alive.
Oh, you okay, ma'am? - (STUTTERING) I think so.
- (CHIMING) Okay, good 'cause your, whoa! Whoa, your blood pressure is incredible.
I know, right.
I mean, it's-it's kind of like I'm acing a test I didn't even study for.
PHARMACIST: Prescription for Hurst.
Your anus cream is ready.
Um (MACHINE BEEPING) Oh, yeah, you just spiked.
Embarrassed about your butt medicine, huh? Oh well, it's-it's not mine actually, it's-it's for my husband.
No, this is yours.
JEAN: Hey, don't be embarrassed, if you don't have your anal health, you don't have anything.
- Jean knows.
- I do.
PHARMACIST: Okay, you're going to want to put this on eight times a day.
Basically you put some on your pinky and you just- WOMAN: You know it's, um, flaring up a little bit right now, I think I should probably go home.
I'm gonna go.
PHARMACIST: Okay, so you're gonna want to take this anally and orally.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (LAUGHTER) But then it was like, no, they're like, no the white squirrel's dead, I'm like, there are three of them.
There are! I've seen them too.
- I know.
I know.
- Oh my god.
Anyway, and then a dog's by the tree and- (SNIFFLING) Ah choo! Oh, bless you.
Oh I'm sorry, my allergies are so bad right now.
WOMAN 1: Oh, don't worry about it, I've got them too.
- It's the season, you know.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but, uh, (CLEARS THROAT) let's talk about your sneeze though.
- Oh I know, it's embarrassing.
- Are you kidding? It was tiny, it was like just like the tiniest little tiny cute sneeze and I think you're adorable and I really like you.
- WOMAN 2: Oh, stop it.
- No, it was really good.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
My sneezes, they're deadly so.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Yeah, they're, they're terrifying.
Oh, now I kind of want to hear it.
You, actually you definitely don't.
Well I kind of actually do.
Oh, actually, um, I think the pollen is blowing this way.
Are we going to see a sneeze? Ah, no that-that can't happen.
Um, okay, you know what, we actually have to get out of here.
Yeah, we have to get out of here.
Can you drink your wine up? I'm going to finish mine.
What? No, no.
No, we've got to get out of here.
Come on, it can't be- Oh it's too late.
It's, it's too late.
Oh god, ooo, naaa! Are you okay? Na na na wa wa wa wo wo wo wo! - Oh my god.
- Aha ooo aaah! What's happening? (CONVULSIVE SOUNDS) Aaaaaaaaaaachooooooooooooooo! WOMAN 2: Oh, you weren't kidding.
Yeah, this isn't a deal breaker, is it? (SQUISHING) WOMAN 1: Oh that was there before.
No it wasn't.
On 1, 2, 3.
(SHUTTER CLICKING) Oh I know it's hard not to smile, but the government is just like really strict about passport photos.
So just no smile at all, okay.
Straight to camera, and 1, 2, 3.
(SHUTTER CLICKING) Oh, I hate to be picky.
I'm sorry, but I am still seeing a little hint of a smile there.
So be really great and so there's no smile at all.
Ready? Just okay.
(SHUTTER CLICKING) (SIGHS) (SHUTTER CLICKING) Yeah, I'm still seeing a smile in all of those.
Okay, well I just have to say, Dana, we are very excited for this presentation.
Well, I'm excited to give it to you.
No but I must say, when I went by your offices and I saw what you were doing with the hubs, I just was blown away.
I said, Kitty I said, Kitty, you've got to come on over here.
She came right over and she knocked- (INDISCERNIBLE OVERLAPPING TALKING) - Then Kitty was on the phone.
- I was on the phone, I put it down.
(INDISCERNIBLE OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE) - She goes, do you know Dana? - I said I don't know her personally.
But I said, well listen I was just over at her offices, and I really like what she was doing.
So she said that.
Then, uh, we had a donut.
And here you are.
- Thank you for having me.
- KITTY: You're welcome.
Well let's, uh, let's get going.
Here in the middle, you have your brand new office.
Oh, office is in the middle.
Ah, you know, in the middle that's where all the action is.
Oh it just feels like the middle, doesn't sound like where the action is.
Fair to middling.
What if we called it a hub? - Like an office hub? - Yeah.
Oh well, I mean, I think that sounds great.
Yeah, no, we could do one of those, that sounds like there's a lot of action in a hub.
- DANA: Hub.
- KITTY: Hub it is.
- RUTH: Hub.
- KITTY: Hub.
- Hub, there we go.
- Future is hub.
Okay, um, next over here we have your distribution centre.
(EWWING IN UNISON) I don't know about a distribution centre.
- Don't know about that.
- Don't know.
Well it's a, it's a high efficiency, state of the art distribution networking- KITTY: I think what Ruth is trying to say (WHISPERS) 'cause you're not listening, is that can you build a distribution hub? - Sure, hub.
- KITTY: Hub.
RUTH: Okay, yeah, no, that looks good.
Now I can see it.
There's coming and going distribution.
Let's send it out, let's send it in.
I think you're going to be really excited about what I've got for you next, this state-of-the-art recreational facility.
(EWWING IN UNISON) Ruth, guess what, you're going to get a recreational hub.
Oh yeah, no that sounds great.
KITTY: She likes that, let's go with that.
Next, we also have this innovative health care facility.
(OOOMPHING IN UNISON) - Can we call it a hub? - You can call it whatever you like.
RUTH: Well I think we'd call it a hub.
(INDISCERNIBLE OVERLAPPING TALKING) It's a hub so it's no big deal.
Moving right along, uh, here is the lobby.
- Access hub? - Ooh, fun.
The washroom.
- Poo and pee hub? - Oh, yeah.
- Elevators.
- Can we call it a hub? Oh, hm.
- The up and down hub.
- RUTH: Up and down hub.
You want that? Yeah, up and down hub, lub it.
(IN FUNNY VOICE) KITTY: We love an up and down hub.
We lub it, lub it, lub it.
A hub that goes up and down.
KITTY: Somebody get me in that up and down hub.
RUTH: I got to go to floor three.
KITTY: Can I get in the hub with you? RUTH: Yeah let's ride up in the hub.
KITTY: We're always in the hub riding around.
- RUTH: Hub muzak.
- I'll just show myself to the-to the- - Lobby.
- Hub.
Yeah, go ahead.
It's funny the more you say hub, the more meaning it has.
WOMAN 1: I don't mean to be weird, but you are looking better than usual if that's possible.
Thank you, I've been exercising more and getting a lot of sleep, you know.
I feel like we should mark the occasion, like a new Tinder profile pic possibly.
Oh a selfie, all right.
That is weird.
I'm standing right here.
- Okay.
- Let's do this.
Ready? Give me your best.
What do you say? In 3, 2- - Hot dog.
We can make a better hot dog.
- Oh.
- It's not you, it's over 40.
You just need a better angle.
- Higher is more flattering.
- Can we just do that again? Okay, right 'cause you're a little shorter.
Okay, we'll try that ready, and- (CAMERA CLICKS) You're nice, I love you.
This is a little bit like Gollum on a bathroom break.
I do not disagree with that.
- Okay, we have to go higher.
- Okay.
All right.
There's a bench, we're going, let's do this.
Oh, okay, not great shoes for this, but sure.
- Excuse me sir, excuse me.
- Oh.
No it's okay, you're going to move, you don't mind, I'm so sorry, you don't need to move, sir, it's fine.
It's just that we're over 40, we need a higher angle, you know what I'm talking about, he's about 45, 47, so he knows.
And bang, what do you got? I don't know, what do you think? - Oh! - Doesn't matter, you're a man.
Okay, this will be worth it.
I'm going to go higher.
We may never be the Mona Lisa, but we don't have to be a Picasso.
We just have to go higher.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
- You are going to love this.
- Uh huh.
Wait, I need you to hold this for me.
I, I do have to go to work.
What we need to focus on is your look.
Give me your best, 1, 2, 3.
Oh I don't know, bang, little action shot.
Not so great.
I need to go higher.
What would Tyra Banks say to you right now? Oh she would say, ho, I make a fashion.
- She'd say up and over.
- I'm smizing.
Fashion, fashion, fashion, fashion.
We need to go even higher.
- This isn't really going to work! - Ugh! - I'm going higher.
- Okay, how 'bout this? Action! Oooh.
Ow! WOMAN 1: Sorry about that.
Close your mouth, I can see what you had for lunch.
I would risk my life for you not to have double chins.
- Thanks? - You still have a couple.
Come here, I'm going to get on your shoulders.
- No.
- Do you want your phone back? - Ugh.
- Come here, do what I say.
(WHIMSICAL INSTRUMENTAL) Okay, this isn't one of my better ideas.
- Did you just fart? - It's possible.
We're going to go higher! Here we go, cheese, say cheese.
- Say cheese! - Who's going to push the button? That is a good point.
We need a pigeon.
That'll never work.
You're right we got to go higher, let's find a seagull.
This is going to work, this is the one.
- LINDA: Can I just have my phone back? - Stop it! Hey, you know what? How would you like it? How would you like it if I just started taking - a bunch of pictures of you, huh? - Stop it! Yeah, how about that? - Oh don't like that.
Oh yeah.
- Not from below.
- Not from below! - (CAMERA RAPIDLY CLICKING) Stop it, have you learned nothing? Oh my gosh, oh my god! - What lotions? - Stop it! How do you like, oh.
(THUMP) Linda? Linda? Oh, oh boy.
(CRYING) WOMAN 1: We were just trying to take a nice photo 'cause she looked so nice today.
Oh excuse me, you just-you just want gonna want to go higher, just a higher angle.
Just how old are you? You're maybe a strong 33.
Can you go higher? Just go higher.
Try now, go ahead, and- (SHUTTER CLICKING) - Here just one sec.
- (CAMERA CLICKING) Thank you, thank you so much.
Let me see.
Linda, we got it! We fucking got it.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (SOFT ROMANTIC SONG) Oh, you missed a spot.
Oh, I'll get the spot.
And I'll get that other spot.
- What the fuck!!! - What? - You painted me! - Yeah? Well, this is my favourite shirt, why would you do that? Why would you wear your favourite shirt to paint? WOMAN: Goddamnit! Well I didn't think you were going to paint me on purpose! MAN: Well I'm sorry, I just thought this is what they do in romantic comedies, so- Yeah, that's with actors! I was just trying to be cute and flirty like we were just doing.
You know like, hey how are ya- Oh my god, it's in my eye now, Jesus! God, Hollywood has lied to me! Ah, god my eye! Oh god, here, let me help you! - Get away from me! - Let me help you!! Stop touching meeee!!! (SCREAMING) Okay, my theory is dog people get tattoos, cat people not so much.
You know what, you're so right.
Like I'm not going to get a tattoo- - Why would I go? - Why would I go? Do bee do bee do do do do beep, do do do beep, - and don't you go.
- Dib bee dab de Hello? Yes, no.
I lost my cat as you know.
So I definitely will get a tattoo of my cat.
- Hamish? - Wally.
- Oh, Wally.
- (RHYTHMIC SPUTTERING) Boop, boop, I want it, it makes me wanna dance.
The printer is right over here.
- Let's take it to the back.
- Let's take it to the front.
- Let's take it to the back.
- (SINGING IN UNISON) - Who is the printing ho? - Hey, Gail.
So, do you want to print again? No, I'm good.
You're not really a printing ho, I just said that.
- Thank you.
- Gettin' work done.
But, if we did a tug-a-war between cat people and dog people? I would want to say dog people would win, - but I think cat people- - (RHYTHMIC MACHINE BEEPING) (INDISCERNIBLE RHYTHMIC SINGING) He's got a wife.
Bend me over the printer.
And you don't have sex with Karen.
You crumpled your pages.
So Wally, I'd want the tattoo, but Wally was a bigger cat, so I feel it's weird to get a big chubby cat on my chest.
- But, I think they wouldn't care.
- (FIRE ALARM BLARING) - Really? - Yeah.
Woooooo, bahhhhhhh, daaaaaa.
(SINGING IN UNISON) - It's a fire, a fire! - We're on fire! Fire! We're on fire! Stop, pop and roll, we rolling, we rolling (COUGHING) (SIRENS WAILING) Wooooo wooooo wooo woooo woooo wooo!
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