Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

Something for Daddy

1 This is like the caviar of fruit.
You know, when I think back to my twenties I wish I knew then what I know now.
- Oh tell me about it.
- Right.
Yeah, I totally regret not using sunscreen.
Oh, I know, me too.
I was out in the sun all the time, didn't care.
- No, me neither.
- Totally, if I have one regret, it's-it's really that I didn't buy a house in this city when they were affordable.
Mm, yeah.
How could you have known though, I mean.
AURORA: My biggest regret is not taking that trip to Asia in my twenties and I'll never get that time again.
Totally, totally.
Mm, what about you Lisa, do you have any life regrets? Um, yeah like, not saving more for retirement, that's a big one.
I should have started saving earlier.
I should start now.
It's never too late.
Anything else? A Driving a stick shift.
That's it.
("Dancing Underwater" by Brave Shores) Me and my friends will spike the punch, Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater (fun uptempo instrumental) WOMAN: Oh hey, Sam! Congratulations.
Oh my gosh you look fantastic.
Your skin, it looks amazing.
I'm eating my own placenta.
Oh good.
MAN: Hey Sam, looking good, new hairdo? SAM: No, just eating my placenta.
It's filled with oxytocin and it boosts my immune system.
Oh, okay.
Carry on.
Hold up, woman filled with placenta coming through.
There you go.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Hey, do you have the time? It's 11:28.
Come on sweetie.
How did she? Back up! Back up! I'll kill him.
Out of my way, I'm eating my placenta.
Hey! Go, go, I'm filled with nutrients! (cheering) Mommy, one day can I eat my placenta? No, Billy, it's just for girls.
(applause) Because a woman should be filled with courage, determination, fight, and about 250 milligrams of sweet potassium filled placenta! (clapping and cheering) - DOCTOR: Here you go! - Congratulations.
Yeah, so cute.
(sniffing and growling) Ahhhh, give me that! WOMAN: What are you doing? I need this! Ahhhhh! She's getting away! There's nothing we can do to stop her, she's been eating her own placenta.
Well she could have just asked, I mean, I wasn't going to eat it.
Do-do people do that? SAM: Ah!!!!!! Like a gross tiger.
She's mowing down on that.
WOMAN 1: (sighs) Um WOMAN 2: Oh, sorry, is this your seat? - Yeah.
- Oh.
WOMAN 1: Ah listen, I hope this isn't rude, but you're not one of those people who take their shoes off during a flight, are you? Oh god no.
WOMAN 2: Oh, 'kay, thank goodness.
(chuckling) Oh, uh- Just my shirt.
You ever try one of these facial masks? Oh, no, they make me feel trapped.
Excuse me, you don't happen to have a podcast about skincare, do you? - I do.
- Oh my god, I'm a huge fan.
That's so kind, thank you.
I have a podcast too.
I mean, if you want to, I'd love to have you on, we could have a crossover episode.
Oh, what's it about? WOMAN: Podcasts, it's a podcast about podcasts.
Okay well, get in touch.
I'm gonna.
- Okay, yes.
- Okay, yes! - Bye.
- Bye.
Everyone and their cat seems to have a podcast these days.
Um, no Cheryl, I still think it's a pretty special and cool thing actually.
- Do you need a plastic bag? - No thank you.
Okay, there you go, and here's your change.
- Thank you.
- Have a nice day.
(lively instrumental) Welcome to another episode of, "Waiting To Check Out" with me, Trudy Michaels.
This episode as always, sponsored by Squarespace.
(lively instrumental) So, uh, I've been thinking everybody has a story, we're all just thin-skinned people walking around in our fragile little planet and everyone needs security.
You're listening to, "Through the Automated Door" with me, Doug Spence.
Is it too much to ask for full-time hours and benefits? Is it too much to compliment me once or twice on my uniform? Is it too much to ask that you're not stared at creepily by the security guard during your shift? Hi, it's me.
This is "Waiting To Check Out", and waiting to stop being checked out, with Trudy Michaels.
WOMAN 1: Okay, well Stephanie, good news, you have been approved for a $741,000 mortgage, - congratulations.
- Thanks.
We just have to go through some of the paperwork here.
Um, what is your date of birth? - May 13th.
- Oh May 13th, me too! We're the same same, oh that's so fun.
What year? Oh, fuck you! I'm sorry, sorry about that.
Um, I assume you'll be, um, co-signing with a parent then? No.
What in the fucking sweet fuck? No, just-just fuck off.
Before we go in, uh, I think we just need to set a few ground rules.
Ground rules for your high school reunion? Look, all I want is to go in there and know that I'm aging better than my enemies - and then leave, okay? - Fair.
- Uh huh.
- And I love you, but you are a blurter.
Ah yes, you have a tendency to blurt, and so whatever happens in there, I just want you to save it for the car, okay? What am I going to say? Well remember when you asked my Aunt Ruth if she was participating in Movember? Okay, you're right, I will save it for the car.
Thank you.
Save it for the car.
Also, I am a neurosurgeon.
- Hello doctor.
- Yeah.
- And here you go.
- Thank you.
Wow, these are really fancy.
I flew to Norway and I studied with a level 5 Master of Calligraphy.
Oh, level 5 that's (speaking through teeth) Save it for the car.
(speaking Norwegian) That means have a fun night in Norwegian.
- So cool.
- Well you too.
MANDY: Now we're here and next thing you know And-and now we live on a houseboat.
- Houseboat.
(chuckling) - Oh.
Greatest decision we ever made.
Isn't that right, Daddy? Yes, Mother.
(sniffs) Save it for the car.
(gurgling) Actually she's an emotional support animal, so I can just take her anywhere, you know, to the grocery store, the farmer's market Wow, you're a real Daenerys Targ Oh hang on, sorry.
(vibrating) VERNA: Gosh, the money I've saved in therapy I could buy another Chickens, we built a habit for them in our yard.
DOROTHY: We have seven of them now, all of them named after famous Canadian authors.
Wow, I bet there's a little Margaret Atwood running around.
No, Peggy wears a diaper and-and lives in the house.
Okay, can I just sayve it for the car.
- You would have loved him.
- Oh yeah? - Oh he was - Oh yeah, Stanky was a legend.
He was.
I'm having so much fun with you guys, like should we maybe do this another time? I would love that.
- Yes, let's do it.
- Yeah, cool.
- Okay, great.
- Okay, I'll give you my email, I think that's the best way to get in touch.
- I'll put it in my phone hang on.
- Oh thanks, sweetie.
- Babe, eat your meatballs.
- Oh no, not right- EMILY: Eat your meatballs, babe.
TODD: I don't want to eat my meatballs.
I'm the little little choo choo train for you to eat your meatballs, chugga chugga.
Waaah, choo choo! Let's go to the station one more time, Chugga chugga chugga.
Ya got to make it through the tunnel.
- It's going to be a tight tunnel.
- Tight tunnel! EMILY: I can do it, whoa! Put your lights on, ohhhh! PAULA: Oh, you know what? I think you left your phone in the car, and I should probably come with you and help you find it.
Oh, oh yes, let's go to the car! Let's go to the car! For the phone.
For the phone, we're going to go to the car, - We'll be right back.
- Just going to go to the car.
Does she seem a little controlling of him? Shh, hun, save it for the car.
LAURA: And all our tomorrows bound together with yesterdays.
WOMAN: Thank you.
Thank you, Laura.
Thank you all for coming today.
we will have a moment of silence now for John, and then afterwards I hope that everybody joins us for a reception at the house.
Ah, just in case you didn't get the invite, it's 136 West Street North, you just take the road out of the parking lot and turn left, and then it's up at the top of the hill where the lights are, it's just the first house there.
Also because it's October, you can't actually park on the street anymore, so you have to go around the corner to Brant Street because they have a lot of parking there and a lot of space and they never ticket on weekends.
Um, actually, uh, there is an apartment building across the street and they have guest parking.
I'm pretty sure that they would be okay if we parked.
Yes, they're very kind and, uh, through this whole thing they've been good with the parking, so you're probably good for the whole afternoon if-if you, if you go in there.
And they have a bike rack.
- So.
- So.
We'd love to hear this pitch idea you have for a new show.
Oh I'm sure you do 'cause I have looked and there is nothing on your network, or any other children's network like this, so ladies please, get ready, I'm actually worried about you.
Just strap yourselves in.
I want you to grab that seat belt and give it a big old click.
Now look at me.
Now look at this, what do we got? Well I'm going to show you, it's- Slugz! Um.
We got the boys.
We got Dylan, we got Zane, they're cool, they're sporty, they always got a one liner up their sleeves.
I'm full of jokes and I'm hanging out in a skate park, you know how it is.
Oh yeah, now let's just see the girls.
We've got Sonya.
We've got Tonya.
We've got Brittany.
And you know what they're doing? They're always hahahahahahahahahaha, they're just laughing, laughing so much at the boys' jokes.
I am Sonya and I love lipstick.
Well I am Tonya and I only care about boys.
And fuck you bitches, I'm Brittany, and I talk about you behind your back.
Boom! Now I just-I just noticed that all the girls they're wearing makeup and-and high heels.
How old are these slugz? No, you are-you are a total Tonya, they're eight.
I'm wondering about their outfits.
I noticed that they're wearing brassieres, there's a corset I see, but I'm not seeing a lot of shirts.
All these little babies, they're little itty bitty skirts.
I mean, that is what is genius about this show because the kids love it, and there's something home for daddy who's watching.
There's something for daddy? These skirts, they're waving in the wind and they give a little flutter, yeah, just a tiny little flutter, and then it's like, oooh is there going to be a peek? Is there going to be a peek? Is there going to be a peek? Oh yeah, something for daddy, something for daddy, something for daddy, something for daddy, something for daddy, something for daddy, something for daddy! I, uh, I don't think men want to sleep with pre-teen slugz.
Oh well, someone hasn't been to Reddit.
You are sitting on a goddamn goldmine here, ladies.
WOMAN: I just have to say you're absolutely right, there's nothing like this on our network, and frankly there never will be.
So She's smart, she's got glasses, like who? Oh, hi Tonya, is that you? Maybe.
No, it's not me.
Thank you for saying no.
It just makes me stronger.
It also makes me want to go to another network, and kick your asses.
Big mistake! Big mistake! (sobbing) You know, I thought it was a strong pitch, I'm surprised you passed.
Oh don't worry, we're going to steal the idea.
We'll take the snails and we'll turn them into jellyfish, but we'll spell it with a PH instead of an F so it sounds cool, and then the tentacles, those will act like a natural skirt, so when the water comes, it rises up, you know, something for daddy, something for daddy, you know.
Something for daddy, I love it.
Ticka ticka ticka ticka ticky.
(humming) - Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
I Denise? Hilary? Is that you? My god, you haven't changed a bit.
Denise, you look exactly the same.
I am not kidding.
I am not kidding at all, I'm serious- Oh, stop it.
HILARY: What'd you do, just step out of first year? My god, you look like you looked when we met at frosh week.
I know, let's shotgun a cooler, take a hit of acid and go to English Lit.
You know what I'm saying? Oh my god.
Oh I love it! How's Moynan? Oh she's great.
How's Gary? He's gay but, you know, that works for both of us.
I bet it does.
It certainly does.
DENISE: You just look great, you haven't changed a bit.
Thank you, you haven't either.
Oh, it's just a good night's sleep, you know.
- And that's all you need? - That's all you need.
This is all organic, no chemicals up in this bitch, you know.
Some people have to but I don't, it's all natural.
Are you a vampire 'cause I swear you look 17.
(hysterical laughter) Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow it's just something in my My lip tore.
I got sorry, okay.
(bubbling) Alright, what do you got for me internuts? Celebrity beach fails, ooh that's a dad bod.
(coughing) (phone ringing) 911 OPERATOR: 911, what's the nature of your emergency? (coughing and breathing heavily) 911 OPERATOR: An ambulance will be there in five minutes.
(sputtering and coughing) (sputtering) Oh fuck! (uptempo instrumental) (coughing) Ugh.
(coughing and sputtering) 911 OPERATOR: Ma'am, I'm gonna hang up now.
The ambulance is moments away.
(coughing) (lively instrumental) Aahhhh? (coughing) (lively instrumental) (sputtering) (gasping) (heavy breathing) Oh.
(bubbling) Oh.
(phone ringing) Yes hello, I would like to report a suspicious transaction on my credit card.
Yes, um, ten thousand dollars to Doctors For Relief and Aid.
(sirens) Yes, I think my credit card was stolen.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh The couple has written their own vows, which they will now exchange.
Today, I'm truly blessed.
My love, you are my world, my heart, my everything.
You're not only the man I've fallen deeply in love with, but you're also my best friend and I'm so lucky that we get What the fuck? Now he's your best friend? How long have you known him for? Like six friggin' months? Well I, we're just- I have put in 20 years emotional hard labour, huh! (sighs) I have been there little Miss haaaa for all of your break ups.
I was there for her first period.
That's right, I helped her put the pad in, with the wings, fold them 'round while she's sitting there.
I was there for your first marriage.
Wait, what? Oh.
MAID OF HONOUR: Yeah that's right, fuck this, I'm out.
- Oh.
- This is bullshit.
Enjoy your new bestie, ya dick! (crowd gasps) Jesus.
I Judy Bloom'd with you.
You were a vegan! Oh, we still good, right? Yeah man, we're solid.
(lively instrumental) What a gorgeous day.
Hey friends.
Here I sit upon my bike I'm feeling good and I'm feeling right I pedal once I pedal twice I've got some momentum and that feels nice.
I'm moving, grooving down the street Hey there teens, check out this beat (bike bell ringing rhythmically) Here's my helmet, and my bell When I want to turn I do a hand signal.
This means left, this means right This means stop and this means Whooooooaaaaaaa, ahhhh! I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm okay.
Don't worry, I'm okay.
Oh god.
Oh god.
(laughing) MEREDITH: Ow.
Ow ow.
I can't stand these heels.
I'm going to get blisters on my blisters, oh god.
- Oh.
- You think that's bad.
Listen to this, Halloween 2017, I went as a sexy pirate.
Oh yeah.
I got these thigh high boots, and they cut up my ankles so bad that now when I get a pedicure, the lady asks me if I've had surgery.
AURORA: I got one just like it on the other leg.
(laughing) Okay, all right.
- You want to see something.
- Maybe.
All right.
This, my friends, is where every single necklace I've ever owned got tangled and ripped the hair right out of my neck.
(gasping in unison) Yeah, hair's never grown back.
(chuckling) Never.
I got y'all beat.
It was my third date with this guy that I really liked, and I thought tonight's the night.
So I went out and bought myself a cute new bra.
An hour into wearing the thing the underwire was digging so deep into my tit, I thought I was going to die.
By the end of the night the cup was so filled with my own blood, I didn't want to take off my coat, let alone my shirt.
Mood killer.
I never saw the guy again.
Oh your poor tit.
That all sounds really painful, but I tell you what, the biggest scar I have, is right here.
- Aw.
- Heartbreak.
No, this is when some chick stabbed me in a boxing day sale and we both reached for the same pair of boots.
(in unison) Ooooohhhh! Yeah, how do you like that?! - Ooooh.
That's a really cute bra.
- Thank you so much.
- It's real nice.
I feel like it really takes away from this.
I also lost my clitoris when I put my thong on backwards and did The Worm.
Did you want to see? (in unison) Yes.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode