Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e04 Episode Script

No One Wants To Be That Lady

1 Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Okay, you know what? I chose the window seat for a reason because I like to just keep to myself.
So I'm not interested in talking to you.
I don't want to hear about your life.
I don't want to know what you do for a living.
I don't want to hear about your kids and what they had for breakfast.
I just want to sit here.
I want to play on my phone.
I want to watch some just for laughs gags, and in turn, I'm not going to bother you.
I'm not going to get up.
I'm not going to move your tray.
I'm not going to scooch in front of you.
I'm not going to go to the bathroom.
I'm not going to ask to take a walk up and down the aisles.
I'm going to sit here politely in my seat, and all I ask is that you refrain from touching me, bothering me or talking to me, cool? I just wondered if you wanted your oxygen mask.
Oh, yeah, it actually makes a lot of sense.
Thanks so much.
Oh yeah, this is, this helps a lot.
Actually, I was getting a bit light headed.
Where the fuck is my mask? Baroness Von Sketch Show S04E04 - No One Wants To Be That Lady Oh! Welcome to justice, population, you.
Wondrous Woman.
Superior Girl.
Captain Marvellous, the city needs your help.
What do you need us to do, Commissioner Ginger? Over there.
Hey, newsflash, this is a free country and I can smoke wherever I want, okay.
Get him! Uh, I don't know, I'd feel kind of awkward saying something, you know.
I'm tough and I-I can shoot lasers from my eyes, as I blow things up, but really bad, - Yeah.
- Super bad at interpersonal conflict, not my thing.
Yeah, nobody really wants to be That Lady, you know.
What? That Lady? Yes.
That Lady.
Is there a problem here? That Lady, the people on that patio need your help.
That is so rude.
Excuse me, sir, excuse me, sir, yes you.
Excuse me, you can't do that here.
Oh fuck off you old hag.
Haha, you did not just say that to me.
You need to realize that you have no right to blow your shitty smoke everywhere.
These people are too polite to say anything but they did not come here to have their evening ruined by some asshole.
And if you would like me to call the manager, I will do that.
That's literally what I do.
So come on, make my evening.
I was, you don't have to do- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's better.
Apology accepted.
Thank you, That Lady.
I would have never said anything.
Oh my God, you're so welcome, no problem at all.
Like seriously though, guys, you couldn't have done that? That Lady does what no one else can.
But no one wants to be That Lady.
It's her tragedy.
I mean, she's super embarrassing but she totally gets shit done.
- Really, like, really good at it.
- Yeah.
Wow, someone's parked in the bike lane.
Oh no, that goes against the traffic by-laws of the municipality.
Go take care of it.
Oh, well.
I'm sure it'll sort itself out.
- I'm shy.
- Yeah.
Fine, is this a job for That Lady? That Lady? Ah.
Excuse me.
The city is safe again.
You know I think it's good, it's not great, it's good, you know, it's a good movie, it was a good movie.
Um, listen Dave, I've been having a really great time with you.
Yeah, me too.
- And this is our third date.
- Third date.
And, you know, I hope that someday I get invited to your place, or maybe I can invite you to mine.
Ah, cha-yeah.
But, um, before that happens there is something that I need to tell you.
I have herpes, and I have had it for about five years, and it's totally under control, and as far as I know I've never passed it on to anyone else.
I just wanted to tell you, and be up front 'cause I really like you.
And, um, I can answer any questions that you may have in case you're freaked out 'cause sometimes people are.
Oh God.
Thank you for your honesty, but I don't care.
Really? Yeah really, I mean, the whole stigma with herpes is blown way out of proportion.
- Yes.
- You don't need to worry at all, I promise I am a 100% okay with that.
That's great news.
Oh yeah.
Uh huh.
Anyways, while we're letting each other know about things.
I wanted to let you know -uh huh.
Um, that I have A close up magic show this Saturday, and I would love it if you could come.
I can-i can get you a tick-a ticket- This is for you.
Thank you.
I can either pay with my visa- Or one of these.
Seriously? Ugh.
Well I've drawn my conclusions, but I suppose it comes down to a question I've been asking, - and I'll ask one more time.
- Okay.
Were you trying to kiss your cat? Pssht.
What? - It's a simple question.
-What was it? Were you trying to kiss your cat? There's really no other explanation.
I don't know what you're- were you trying to change a tampon with your face? Like I pulled it out and slapped it all over my face? Was it a really skinny tampon that looked like a cat's paw? Sure, that's what happened.
Okay, well that makes the most sense.
Do you ever kiss your cat? Maybe that's the question you want to ask yourself.
Does my face look like I kiss my cat? I'm a dog person.
Don't forget it.
Okay, everyone.
Guys, guys, guys, I think, I think it's present time, yeah? - Bring it on! - Yeah, yeah, let's do it.
Okay, it's, uh, nothing much, but I think you're really going to like it.
I'm sure I will love it.
Oh my God! It's a bulk barn gift card! Oh thank you so much, I love bulk barn, oh, thank you, ooh.
Well, uh, this one's from me.
- Oh, thank you.
- Happy birthday.
Oh, what is it? It's another bulk barn gift card! Carol's going to be putting a dent in the bins this Saturday.
Okay, well, this one's from me, so.
Thank you.
Oh, it's another bulk barn card.
Oooh, right, yay! I didn't realize I was such a, a known bulk enthusiast.
- Yeah.
- It's all you talk about.
Well they sell cashew butter, and it's exciting.
- Of course.
- Let's move on.
Oh, oh okay, what do we have? Really? Really.
Who the fuck puts a gift card in a gift bag? Hey Cindy, whatcha doing there? Where's your gift, Cindy? Happy birthday, I love this time with you and I didn't get what birthday present and I forgot it, the dog ate it.
I left it at home.
Ha-happy birthday.
Give me the card.
- It's a bulk barn gift card! - I know it's a bulk barn gift card, Cindy! There it is.
You know what? So I like buying loose candies and powders.
Did you know it's a more economical to shop? Did you know it's a more environmentally friendly way to shop? - Oh.
- Hey, I bring my own containers.
So yes, I am a bulker.
Sue me.
That is not all that I am, you've reduced me to bulk.
You know what, I'm really sorry to sound ungrateful, but this is turning into a bit of a sad evening for me, so, you know, I'll just- thank you.
Well shit, they had a special on mung beans and skittles.
And, um- I took advantage of it.
Can I have a skittle? Help yourself.
But then I said if that's the case, you better talk to Jane sibbery.
You did not say that! No.
That's amazing.
Guys stop it, stop, stop all fun, it's 7pm, we have to call the cab, we have to get to the restaurant.
Oh, we're having such a great time here.
Yeah, this place is so great.
I mean, we could stay here if you want.
The thing is it took me like six months to get a reservation at gooza.
- But we- - That's a tough reservation.
Well isn't this what we're always striving for? Like just to have a time like this? We are having a great time here, you're having a great time here, I can see how much you're laughing.
I know.
I know, it's so much fun.
Why don't I just whip something up.
I've got stuff in the kitchen, like honestly, I know I've got like onions and garlic and all sorts of stuff in the fridge.
- Really? You don't mind? - No not at all.
I'll make us a little something, we'll just stay here.
If it's good with you, it's good with me.
You know what they say, you never leave a winning table, right? Yay! Winning table.
No one's allergic to tomatoes, right? No! Are those homemade? Wow, she's upping the ante.
Oh my God, it's craziness.
Onions on the loose.
You got 'em girl, you got 'em! We got totally lost and I literally fell into his backyard.
She literally fell into your lap? She did.
I know who I am, I am the birthday girl, so I don't have to do anything.
- There you go.
- I'm the Princess.
We'll do the dishes.
And, tada! Wow.
What is this? A mountain of cheese.
Here are some nice onions on crackers and some maraschino cherries for colour.
Over here, a delicious stewed tomato.
French lentil used for crunch, and then, um, there's this.
This my 45th birthday dinner.
I said I had stuff in the fridge, I-I didn't say I knew how to cook.
It was implied.
Maybe we could call gooza and see if they have a reservation - in another six months.
- Yeah, good luck.
I need you to talk me through that goddamn cracker.
- Talk me through it, go! - I don't know.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oooh, oof, someone's looking tired.
Oh, I, thanks.
I just worked late last night.
You, should drink more water.
I drink water.
Oooh, you can always drink more.
Honestly, it gives me ten times the energy than caffeine does.
Yeah, it's cool, it's important to stay hydrated, I hear you.
I don't even need to moisturize anymore because of all the water that I drink.
Well you should probably still use moisturizer 'cause, you know, we're not getting any younger.
Actually, honestly, because of all the water that I drink, I think I might be getting younger.
- Back to the grind I guess.
- Mhm.
You're drenched in piss, by the way.
Mmm, my skin's never looked better, hair.
Hey, buddy how's it going? Listen, have you thought about what we talked about? I can get you a really good deal on litre bottles, and you just like, you get a backpack, you just put it right in your mouth, you're going to feel amazing.
Honestly, I've never felt better.
I feel like, you know, I kind of feel like, um, I'm a better person.
I'm a more awake person, a more creative person, you know, like everything is better, breathing- - whoa! - Ah! Hm.
So what are we looking to get done today? Well I- oh before you start talking, let me guess,.
- Let me guess.
- Okay.
Your chin.
Ah, no.
Really? Huh, okay.
So we're just going to do the lazy eye then? Um, I don't have a lazy eye.
Alright, so an earlobe reduction? I really don't think so.
- Have you been pulling at them? - No.
Do you have a baby who sucked on your earlobes instead of your nipples? No.
- Tooth softening.
- Why would I want that? Studies have shown that women don't like to make noise when they're eating crunchy things, and this procedure helps eliminate that entirely.
Look see, I had the procedure done myself.
Okay, I'm kind of suspicious of that science.
I'm going to pass.
So then you'd just like the full body peel? No.
- We rip the skin right off- - No.
- Burn it with an acid- - No.
And you'll be screaming like a baby, - bloody and new.
- No! - Really? - Yes.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
- You don't want me to do that? - I do not.
- You'll look younger.
- I don't care.
- You don't? - Noo.
Huh, no, no judgement, that's fine.
What I really was- looking for is tattooing along the side to add some shading and contouring so that you don't look so flabby.
How 'bout we replace the sweat glands under your arms with air freshening misters? Pass.
Make you more popular at the gym.
I'm okay with being pretty anonymous at the gym.
I don't- No, you don't go to the gym, do you? Okay, why don't we pin your eyelids open like this, so you always look interested when people are talking, even when you're bored stiff.
I don't really think that fits in with my lifestyle.
Okay, you're-you're-you're scaring me now.
Okay, listen, let me stop scaring you and why don't you scare yourself? Now tell me, how has your nose failed you? Okay, stop.
I just came here to get this tiny little mole removed, that's it.
And I just came here to give you this brochure.
There are a lot of procedures here, we can tackle them over the months, and soon you'll be looking like a person who wants to be on the planet.
See, we could do something about that face, that face you're making right now, thousands of dollars and you'd be looking like her.
Oh, yeah.
There you go, thanks doc, that was great.
I thought that mole was cute.
Oh, really? At a cost we can do a mole reattachment surgery.
Now I'd advise putting the mole on your face, so that there's less of your face for people to see.
I am not interested, thank you very much.
I'll just look out the window until you leave.
You're still here, aren't you? I am, I need you to validate my parking.
Dammit, okay.
Oh no.
Oh no no no no no no no! Iceberg! Oh no.
Oh, this is bad.
This is bad.
Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga.
Oh my God, how many stairs are on this G.
Ship? You're killing me with this buddy, go, move it, all right.
Here we go, here we go, perfect.
Oh no, wait, just, no, out of my way.
Ah! Still waters.
Looks good.
Okay, perfect.
Ooooh, I came in here to tell you something, um, shoot, what was it? Ah, ah, it was important.
I was going to tell you something important, um- - About the crew, was it about the crew? - No, not about the crew.
Passengers, about the passengers? - Dinner time, mess hall? - No.
Was it about piranhas? Ah shit, I hate piranhas.
Will you let that go, there's no piranhas.
Was it about that banging? I guess it's gone, oh well, you know I'll probably remember it at 3 in the morning.
That always happens to me.
- Always.
- Drives me crazy.
I'm still thinking about piranhas.
There are no piranhas.
You got to let that go, man.
We're in the North Atlantic, there are river fish.
Okay, I'm going to go down below I guess, - does anybody need anything while I'm? - Oh, yeah, you know what? I'd love a cold glass of water with some ice.
Ah!!! That's it! I'm not drinking enough water.
I'm not drinking enough water.
That's why you can't remember anything, you're dehydrated.
Okay, be right back with that ice water.
You can chat guys.
Ah, oh my brain.
What a jack ass.
Who was that? I don't know.
It's our civic duty, and if we want to see social change, we need to engage the electorate, and not forget about older folks on voting day just because they live in a residence or a nursing home.
You got your voting card there, mom? - Yes darling.
- Okay.
Wow, you are so good to your mother.
Oh, it's not about my mother actually, it's about the election and, and elections are won one vote at a time.
So if we make sure that everybody gets to the voting polls then, you know, we'll be able to make a better society.
- Do you know who she's voting for? - I don't know.
Oh, I like the bald man with the big smile, who wants to dig a moat all around the country to protect us from immigrants.
Okay, and back to your room.
Okay, here we go.
Ah, just put her back in her room and- Yeah, we'll- - Find another old person.
- Yeah.
Yeah all of these folks will do I suppose.
1300, 1400, 1500, 1600 dollars.
You don't have to do this.
So, um, this magda, is she some kind of a, a witch? - Shh, don't say that.
- No.
A sorceress, that's what she likes to go by.
I found her on yelp, I find most of my things on yelp- Hello.
My name is- - Don't tell me why you're here.
- Okay.
Because I already know.
One of you wants to reunite with their dead mother.
Oh my God that would mean so much.
Thank you.
And the other one wants to be able to go braless.
I'm so sorry, can we just have, that's what you came here for? Um, I thought our requests would be private.
The old gods have no secrets, honey.
I can help both of you.
- That is wonderful.
- That's amazing.
- Thank you very much.
- You.
I want you to take your most precious photo of your mother, the one you love, the one that brings her back for you, and I want you to burn it on your bed.
- Blow on the ashes- - Hoo.
And then your mother will come to you in a dream.
I'm not talking about one of those weird dreams where you think you're falling and then you wake up.
One of those shitty little dreams where like, everybody is looking at you while you're on the toilet or something.
I'm talking a real deal dream.
You get your questions ready 'cause your mom is going to show up.
- Thank you.
- Oh my God.
You! In order for you to achieve the shape that you desire, you must sacrifice your best friend.
Wow, I had to burn a picture.
Like that's it.
And this is a high, high price.
- Look at my tits.
- Okay.
Do you think they look good? I would get on those all day, all night.
I'm not wearing a bra.
They look so good.
You know what I used to be? - A double G.
- Whoa.
I don't think that's a thing.
Is that a thing? - No.
- Yes it's a thing.
I was a double G since I was 13, every single day strapping on that straitjacket, it was hell, 'til one day I woke up and I realized that I had the power to change that with magic, and you know what I gave up? What? Oooh Sally! What did you do? It looks like you put a candle out with your face! It was worth it to me, is it worth it to you? Yeah.
Okay, let's do this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow, for you I have a really good idea, and why don't you just not wear a bra.
Oh whatever a cup.
I push a B.
Do you know what I'd look like without a bra? Imagine two honeydew melons attached to slinkies stuck to my chest, and I just let them go and they're like, - boom boom boom boom boom.
- Bongity bongity bong.
I just want to be able to wear- - Backless sundress.
- Stop it! It's called surgery, you should get it, it doesn't leave any scars.
It's better than killing off your best friend! What do you care if Tina dies, you don't even like her that much? Did you say Tina? Dude, she was my maid of honour.
She smells like donkey.
Have you got this sorted out? You know what, I'm glad.
Tina, see ya.
Go for it, get what you need.
What? You're saying abracadabra, come on.
It's a cliché because it works.
Abracadabra, abracadabra.
Oh my God.
These are amazing, will a chick- she's, uh- oh shit, oooh, haha.
Guess I liked her more than I thought.
It was worth though, right? It always is.
Oooh, I'm gonna just, yeah, there we go.

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