Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e05 Episode Script

I Always Order Wrong

1 Apparently my knuckles are very young.
- Oooh, that's good.
- Oh, look at you.
- That's what the doctor said.
- Ooh, I am so hungry, I hope our food comes soon.
Oh, I can't wait, the lasagne here is the best.
Uh, see, I always order wrong.
I didn't know that.
Oh well, you won't have that problem here, everything is good.
Oh, here it comes.
Sorry for the wait.
Who's having the wild mushroom rosemary risotto? Here.
And the ricotta spinach lasagne? - Right here.
- There you go.
That looks great.
The old baby onesie with mayonnaise and ground beef, for you.
Like how do I always order the worst thing? No.
CAROLYN: It looks so good on the menu, you know.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds it's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh oh (BALLROOM INSTRUMENTAL) - Hello, oh.
- (STATIC) Hello.
First I'd like to remind everyone here to turn off your cell phones.
Before we begin this evening's performance, we would like to acknowledge that this theatre stands on territory of the Anishinaabe, the Haudenosaunee, the Huron-Wendat and the Petun First Nations.
We are also mindful of broken convenants, and the need to make right with all our relations.
And now, please enjoy the show.
Oh, ah, sorry hello.
Oh, oh I'm sorry.
Excuse me, um, should we, um, should we go? Excuse me? Oh no, no I just mean if we're on someone else's land, shouldn't we, shouldn't we leave? Oh no no no no no, the the theatre is here now and we just like to acknowledge whose land it is.
I'm sorry, I'm so confused.
So if we're on someone else's land shouldn't shouldn't we do something about that or? Ah, hopefully we'll enjoy the performance.
Oh, okay, so some of the, the money from the ticket sales of the show are going to the indigenous communities? Well no.
A portion of of them? No, no, the the ticket sales go to the theatre.
So is the money from the bottled water sold here going to the First Nations for clean drinking water or? Oh no, that money goes to Nestle.
They're our sponsor.
I'm so sorry, I'm so confused.
Whose whose land are we on? Wha what are we? What are we doing? It's a dialogue, um How are we making right? Well there's uh, uh, there there's a plaque you can read in the lobby.
I'm just, I don't understand.
I'm getting a message from the stage manager that we need to begin the show, so please take your seats, have a good time.
WOMAN: But, um Good night.
I guess I'll sit down? Enjoy the show.
I'll just enjoy the show.
Why do you always do this? This is my day.
Why are you always stealing attention? No.
What? Helen.
What is she talking about? I thought you liked purple! Oh God, I'm sorry Come on now.
AURORA: Oh, thank you.
Alright, I guess I'll take the guys.
Seriously? Over those two nice ladies? You're new.
Look, there is no table worse than two middle-aged women.
- Oh, come on.
- Shhh, that's (STAMMERING) You'll see.
Hi ladies.
The music is very loud in here, would you mind turning it down? AURORA: And this table's a bit sticky, it needs a wipe.
Of course, but first, what can I get you to drink? - (IN UNISON) White wine.
- SERVER: Okay, we have a chardonnay, - a sauvignon blanc - (IN UNISON) Pinot grigio.
We don't have a pinot grigio by the glass.
(THUNDERING CHORD) Well do you have it by the bottle? Yes but Oh, well then you can just open a bottle, pour us each a glass, and then charge us what you would have charged us for another bottle by the glass.
SERVER: That's not how Oh and could you bring us different complimentary bread.
AURORA: Just remind the kitchen that the quality of the bread - reflects the quality of the restaurant.
- Mm.
SERVER: Sure, they love hearing that.
How is the red pepper stuffed fish prepared? Well, it's a whole branzino stuffed with red pepper AURORA: Ah see, I can't eat red pepper.
SERVER: Ah, well in that case might I suggest JENNIFER: Well why don't you just ask your chef to stuff it with something else? Wait, does this fish have bones? Well some.
It's a whole fish.
So I'm expected to pay full price for an entree that I have to debone myself at the table? It's, um, Italian.
Well, I don't care if it sits up on my plate and sings "That's Amore", it's not my job to prepare the meal, I could do that at home for free.
- Ah - Never mind, never mind, here's what we're going to do.
We're going to get several small appetizers.
- (RINGING ECHOING INSTRUMENTAL) - I'll do that one, that one and that one.
(MUTED) But I would like you to bring them all together as a single main.
- (MUTED) And can you divide - (DREAMLIKE INSTRUMENTAL) (DEMONIC LAUGHTER) - AURORA: Miss? Miss? - Hm? You know what, this table is still sticky.
I'm just going to wipe it down for you.
JENNIFER: Yes, you know what, the music is still too loud, I'll just turn it down.
And, uh (GRUNTS) Told you.
And oh, look, you can see already I've got some dirt you probably didn't even know about.
It's alright, I've done your job so many times.
Thank you for the tip.
You're so welcome.
It's good to have a humble attitude when you're starting out.
Ah, come on.
Ah, what am I a ghost? Oh, oh my God, wow, yes.
Wow, I died there.
(GASPS) That's why I'm always cold.
Huh, okay, well, wooo! Oh my God, I am so jazzed about this road trip.
- Me too! - Like, so jazzed.
- Woo! - Woohoo! Let's go! Yeah.
I am super excited.
I didn't get out of the city all summer, so this is it.
This is my mini vacation.
Well honestly, like I don't mean to brag but I put a lot of effort into our playlist.
I've got like eight hours - of songs you can sing in the shower.
- Yeah.
I've got podcasts, like your top podcasts, the best killers and serial killers and sociopaths and pet detectives, pet psychics, like you name it, it's all there.
- This is fantastic.
- Yeah.
I don't want to brag.
Okay, what do you got? I have the best car snack for this road trip ever.
Okay, I'm slightly concerned that you used it in the singular, - but I'm, probably just means it's amazing.
- Brrrrrr, jaw breakers! What? Two little blue balls in the bag Let's suck 'em, suck 'em, suck 'em, suck 'em, suck 'em Seriously? That's the only snack you brought for an eight hour drive? Eight hours straight sucking and licking 'til you get to the super sour centre.
- Baby, ah ah ah, do you want yours now? - No.
These are big, I didn't skimp out.
- Look at it.
- Oh my God.
Is this seriously all you brought? - Try it.
Eat it.
- No, I'm trying to drive.
- Give it a lick.
- No.
- A tiny lick.
- No.
- Whatever.
- I'm not touching it.
Your loss.
Like, I could have packed all sorts of stuff.
(GARBLED) I can't feel my tongue.
Seven hours to go! (GARBLED) Where did you get that? Got it at the, uh, gas station.
How's that, uh, jaw breaker treating you? (GARBLED) Good, I love it.
(GARBLED) Do you want yours now? No thanks.
(GARBLED) More for me I guess.
Deeelicious! Oh God.
(GARBLED) I've got a little surprise for ya.
What? PASSENGER: Dessert.
No, no.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (HUMMING) Oh, hold the elevator please.
- Thank you.
- No worries.
- Which floor? - 15.
There you go.
- Yo yo, oh I love that song.
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) BOSS: So as you know the systems for the TMS reports are I'm so sorry I'm late, the streetcar was delayed.
- Oh, hold the elevator please.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
- Which floor? - 15.
- There we go.
- Yo yo.
I love that song, yeah.
BOSS: As you know the systems for the TMS I'm so sorry I'm late, the streetcar was delayed.
- Ah.
- Digitized.
- Hold the elevator please.
- Oh.
Oh, thank you.
No problem, which floor? - Um, 15.
- Great.
- Yo yo.
- Ah, I love that song.
Okay, as you know the systems for the TMS report So sorry I'm late.
The streetcar was delayed.
- Oh nuts.
- Oh nuts.
I knew you were going to say that.
Everything is happening the exact same as it did yesterday.
(CRESCENDOING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) God, I'm in a groundhog loop! Fuck yeah! Yes! Ah Beth, what's, uh, what's going on? I'm never going to age.
I'm going to read all the books.
I'm going to learn all the fucking languages, and that's not all.
I'm going to fuck you and you and you, and even you Gary.
There will be no consequences for my actions! (UPLIFTING INSTRUMENTAL) Beth, Beth that's enough, you're not in a groundhog day loop, you just live a really boring life, you do the same thing every day, we all do.
CO-WORKER: It's true.
Oh, I have misread the situation.
I'm sorry.
- It was a nice try though.
- Thank you.
- You know, we could still, uh - Shut up, Gary.
BOSS: So digitization is a process that requires BILLY: Donny, you should check that out.
Oh yeah.
- Look at that face! - Yeah.
- That's something else.
- Yeah.
You think, uh You think I should go over there and get a number off her? Yeah, yeah, man, totally, bro, go.
Really? Okay, alright, how do I look? Go on, man.
- Alright.
- Just go.
Hey, I'm Billy.
I just want to say, like I'm really digging what you got going on here, and I was, uh, I was hoping I could get a number off of you? Oh, um, okay.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
- (CHILDREN CHATTER) - Number 11! Ah yeah! Look, we're number 13, - it's just like two away.
- Yes yes yes.
I'm going to get my face like a kitty cat.
Dude, that is going to look sick.
So good, man.
I might get like a mermaid on one cheek - and like a unicorn on the other.
- That's so good.
Like a wood elf or some shit, I don't know.
Yeah, she does, uh, dinosaurs and butterflies.
- She's really skilled.
- Are you kidding me? Oh look, there's a banana in my pocket.
Can I have a bite? No man, fuck that, come on let's go get our faces painted.
They're great for potassium.
So Tina, the results of your hearing test are in.
Oh God, is it bad? Well it's not ideal.
Um, it turns out you're a half listener.
I can't run a half marathon.
No, no you're a half listener.
My sister, she just had twins.
Ah, never mind.
Listen, I'm going to need you to stay off the socials, and try not to run for office, okay.
Oh, it is so nice to hear that I can count on your vote.
You're giving me your tote? - TINA: What? - I guess it's a coat, I call it a blazer.
Oh my God, it's contagious.
It is outrageous.
Doctor? MEREDITH: Toronto's great.
Life is good, anyway I'm boring.
You two, homeowners now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Moved outside of Toronto.
- Yeah.
I can't believe it, how's Hamilton? Oh my God, Hamilton! - It's it's great.
- Yeah.
It's amazing, the suburbs of the suburbs.
Yeah, honestly it just feels good to get out of Toronto.
We love it, it's like the, what the, Brooklyn of Jersey? I'd say it's the Jersey of Brooklyn.
I don't know what that means.
It's perfect, it's beautiful, it's thriving.
Oh my God, it's such a good scene.
Our house is huge compared to what you can get here.
AURORA: It's up and coming.
Yeah, like our mortgage is so low, we're going to have it paid off in like no time.
Friday nights there's this art crawl.
AURORA: There's an emerging food scene.
CAROLYN: Yeah, it's super hard to meet new people, you know, when you're 40.
Yeah, we have no friends.
Yeah, Toronto is still so close, right.
You hop in your car and you're here in like 20 minutes.
Oh yeah, our door to downtown, 40 minutes easy.
CAROLYN: We put on a podcast, leave before the sun comes up, you're here in like an hour.
AURORA: And what would you say, like our place to Toronto, round trip? Oh roundtrip, I'd say that's like a cool - Four hours? - Yeah.
That is, I think you're having a That's good.
- AURORA: It is.
- Yeah, best thing we could have done.
- AURORA: Great culture.
- Yeah, great food.
And I've handcuffed myself to you.
- What? - You're going to love Hamilton.
No, you're joking.
AURORA: We're going to hang out all the time.
You should stop.
And here comes the chloroform.
And out you'll go and we're picking you up.
Ooh, and taking you back to wonderful, wonderful Hamilton.
To hang out with all our friends.
All our, a friend.
- Our friend.
- Yeah.
The one, I mean we have a realtor, we have Chandler.
- He's our friend.
- Yeah.
AURORA: I mean we pay him but he's friendly.
He doesn't really want to hang out with us.
He comes and visits though.
- Yeah.
Well when we - When we have an appointment, yeah.
(SOFT RHYTHMIC MUSIC) - (PHONE CHIMING) - Okay, you guys, I've called the Uber and it's going to be here in, um, six minutes, so we got to get going.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
- Marie? - Yeah? I just called the Uber, it's going to be here in like, uh, 5 minutes.
Okay, cool.
GINGER: I'm just putting on my coat, does everyone know where their coat is? AURORA: Yeah.
- GINGER: Marie? - Yeah? Like honestly, can you put on like your coat and stuff? The Uber is going to be here in 4 minutes, so that's like pretty soon.
JENNIFER: Does my hair look okay? I think we can do better, I do.
Oh no your hair looks fine, your hair looks totally fine.
No no, it looks fine.
Look, the Uber is going to be here in like 4 minutes, so.
Oh, it's tons of time.
Honestly, it's not a lot of time because like, you have to get your coat on, you have to get your bags, we have to get downstairs to the lobby.
You should do a French braid.
I can do that if you want.
(GASPS) Would you? Yeah, you know what you guys, there's no time to braid.
You guys, the Uber is going to be here in three minutes, okay.
I thought you just said it was four minutes away? Yeah, it got closer.
I'm going to do a fishtail.
Oh I love a fishtail.
You guys, honestly, the Uber is going to be here in like two minutes.
AURORA: Hey, who wants another swig of wine before we go? - We're not having wine! - AURORA: Oooh! Come on! Well we're going to have to clean up all this glass.
Just walk over it! No, I don't have shoes on, I'm wearing my sockettes.
Oh, oh I can make you a quick pair of shoes.
MARIE: She can, she just graduated from cobbler school.
Like I'm not kidding.
Okay, I'm going to get the elevator.
My God, cobbler school, I love that.
I know right.
- Will you do my hair? - Oh yeah.
Oh shit, you guys honestly, no, the elevator is broken.
Let's cancel the car.
I I can't cancel the car!! Oh my God he's here.
- No, he's actually here now.
- (MURMURING) No, he's actually here! He's actually here! Look at the car! I can see it.
You guys, I've been super polite!! I've been waiting for you guys to come!! I've been really nice to all of you! And now he's here!! He's here! He's here! He's here!! - Ahhhh!!! - Stranger.
Ginger, we're right behind you.
She's so worked up in her big coat.
She's extra.
Okay, come on guys, I'm serious now.
(SCREAMING) (IN UNISON) Oooh! MARIE: You were rushing.
GINGER: Come on, he's here! Ah, fuck, ow! - Be right there.
- Oh.
We're just going to make some shoes.
Oh can you rebraid my hair 'cause I think it fell out? MARIE: Her braid fell out.
GINGER: No, he's out front you guys! He drives away in two minutes.
AURORA: I'm going to have a shower! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Done.
Done, done.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So this is the name of the celebrity that we are officially allowed to sleep with should the opportunity ever present itself.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
Um, you've got to choose one celebrity.
Ah, this is going to be hard.
- One? - Yes.
Who's the one with the scuba mask and one eye? I don't I've always wanted to be fingered by someone with one eye.
I'll take him.
Maybe we should be writing fan fiction.
- Okay.
- Okay.
No no, stop.
Stop, don't come any closer! Don't come any closer! No, get away from me! Stay away from me! Noooo! Oh God! These are new Goddamn shoes! These are suede! I just bought them! Oh God, somebody help my new shoes! Oh Jesus Christ! Ah, ah, they were on sale.
They were on sale for 50% off.
SANDRA: I don't know, I'm just thrilled that you came out to visit, and, uh, it's been too long.
Well it's great to see you and you know what Sandra, I have to say the place is looking spotless.
Oh what, thank you.
Thank you.
I mean to be honest, I have had a little bit of help.
But, uh, anyway, would you care for some wine? Sure, thank you.
Okay, fantastic, guys.
Hello, hi, how can we help? Um, would you mind picking up a bottle of wine from the basement, maybe an Amaroni, a couple of glasses, and if you can check on the Ragu in the kitchen, I think that, uh, something might be burning.
- Yes, okay.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Anyway, so how's business going for you? Sandra, who are those people? - What? - Them.
Oh, oh my God have I not told you? No.
Oh I'm so sorry, my dad passed away recently.
- Oh.
- Oh don't worry, you know, we weren't close.
Hadn't seen him in over twenty years.
But the long and the short of it is he um, well he left me his cult in his will.
So Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
- Uh, his cult? - Yeah.
I didn't know he had a cult.
Well neither did I actually, I mean, it came as a total surprise, but as his only daughter, I'm his representative on earth, so um, anyway, I've been making the most of it and it's actually not too bad.
Do you fancy some music? - Um, sure.
- Okay, great.
(IN UNISON) Hi, how can we help, hi.
SANDRA: Music please.
She's got the whole world - in her hands - I'm I'm the she.
She's got the whole wide world In her hands - She's got the whole world - Okay, enough.
Anyway, I just love these little dumplings, they're coming along really well, and I got to say it's just really nice having them around the house.
No, no stop.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, this is a human rights issue.
- What? - You could go to jail for this.
- What? - These people are brainwashed.
Guys, don't you have families to go to? Lives? - No.
- No, they really don't.
- Sandra.
- What? They need to be free.
What? Oh, man, no, come on, Tina.
I've been so lonely and honestly they are so good with orgies, like they really, I know.
TINA: I'm sorry, I'm really uncomfortable with this Sandra, guys, out.
What? No.
TINA: Go, go, scoot.
Come on, out you go.
- Tina.
- Out you go.
I'm so sorry, bye you guys.
I'm going to miss your bodies.
- Goodbye.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
I'm going to miss you, Pony.
I'm going to miss you, Pony.
Oh dear.
Okay, bye.
TINA: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey guys, hey guys, hey guys, wait up.
Want to party? You, yeah, my place, big fuck pile, bring the triangle, leave the guns.

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