Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e07 Episode Script

I Might Still Be Mad in a Weekv

1 Mmm, oh, TGIF.
Carolyn: Oh, right? Aurora: Thank God it's Friday.
Ah, you know I, I haven't done that in a while, you're so right, you're so right.
God, just want to thank you for it being Friday.
One of the seven days of the week.
In your grace and glory.
Thanks for the reminder.
Any time.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Baroness Von Sketch Show S04E07 I Might Still Be Mad in a Week Alright, who is ready to protest? (IN UNISON) Woo! When do we want to do it? (IN UNISON) Now! AURORA: Right on! You guys are amazing! Okay, we're going to head straight up University at that big intersection.
I want everybody strong, blocking off the traffic.
- Make it to City Hall.
- Sorry, I'm sorry.
- Yes? - I just wanted to say that I don't think we have a permit to protest.
I asked around.
I think that's - Did anyone get a permit? - (CROWD MURMURING) Meredith: No, I did not.
CAROLYN: It doesn't look good if we don't have one.
I really don't want to upset the police that's Fuck that! Let's take this to the streets! (IN UNISON) Woooo! No we can't because we will disrupt traffic, - and that's another - Oh.
Carolyn: People do have to get to work, and if they're annoyed and-and we're blocking them, - it doesn't really look good.
- Yeah.
- Alright, what do we want? - (IN UNISON) Change! When do we want it? Um, in about a month if we put in the application today.
Yes, that sounds good.
Do we think we can get the paperwork done in time? No problemo.
AURORA: Great, okay, so maybe you can lead the paperwork team.
CAROLYN: Okay, so we'll-we'll revolt in like a month? - We'll do it in a month.
- I'll still be angry.
I mean, I might still be angry in a month.
Woman: I'm not going to take these.
Pardon me? I'm not going to take these.
I'm going to take the shirt, here.
Oh no, I'm sorry, I don't work here.
Oh God, I'm sorry I thought I'm sorry.
You-you, you thought I worked, like here? - Sorry.
- No.
(RHYTHMIC INSTRUMENTAL) It's the best day of my life! Ooh yeah.
Oh wow, that pant suit looks fantastic on you.
Thank you.
Actually do you have it in a six? I don't work here.
I don't work here.
Do you need help? I don't work here.
I'm sorry, I don't work here.
Ooh are you looking for the sale rack? I don't work here, but it's in the back.
- Excuse me.
- Oh no, I don't - I'm the manager here.
- (RHYTHMIC MUSIC STOPS) I-I'm so sorry, I think maybe I got carried - No no no no no.
- (RHYTHMIC INSTRUMENTAL) I've been watching you all day, and you've got something really special about you.
I'd like to offer you a job.
What? Oh! - Here's your headset.
- Excellent.
Here's your contract, and there's your wage.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, you know what? I don't work here.
I can't work here.
I don't work here.
Oh my God, never meet your idols.
Ugh! She said no.
Well I danced as hard as I could! (SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL) Prisoner 044-16, you are scheduled to be executed by lethal injection tomorrow morning at 9:00 am.
This penitentiary provides a last meal.
As per your request here are, uh, your black bean and cashew cheese enchiladas with a Caesar salad.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
Is that bacon on my Caesar? Is that what that is? - Oh, is that? - I'm vegan.
Ahhh! Oh my God, I'm so sorry! PRISONER: That's fine.
I'm going to pick it off.
- GUARD: Oh no no, no no no.
- No look at me, picking it off.
No, stop.
You're not picking anything.
You're not picking anything.
No, stop, stop, don't make me pull my gun.
Okay, fair enough, you're the boss.
No, you're not picking anything off, we're going to get you the salad you ordered, it's your last meal.
- Well thank you so much.
- Oh, no problem.
No, I really appreciate that.
It's just I cannot stand the thought of the livestock in those factory farms.
I mean, it keeps me up at night.
Totally, I know, I know, right.
I mean, I must sound like such a hypocrite 'cause I murdered like a bunch of people, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
This is, this is my line.
Yeah, they're totally different things.
(LAUGHTER) Jennifer: Okay, guys.
Well I think it's time for our next activity! (CHEERING) Okay, so, I have asked the father-to-be a bunch of questions, and then Sophie, you have to guess his answers.
Oh, this is going to be so embarrassing.
I'm so bad at quizzes, you guys.
No, it'll be fine I promise, I promise.
Okay, here we go, question one.
How often did David say, he will get up to feed the baby at night? Oh, uh, probably never.
(LAUGHTER) Actually, he said, about half the time.
Told you, I'm not really good at quizzes.
No don't worry, just relax.
- Both of you know.
- I find it really stress No it's super fun.
We're having fun! - We're having fun.
- Okay.
Question two, on a scale of one to ten, how prepared does David feel for baby's arrival? Oh, probably like, I don't know, like a four? Oh, he said eight.
No it's okay, it's okay, we're having fun.
This is going to be fun.
We're just getting started.
Yeah, it's great.
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) Jennifer: Question twelve, does David think your baby will be born with no hair, a full head of hair or in between.
Yeah, he'd definitely say bald.
- He said a full head of hair.
It's genetic 'cause I have hair.
But it's receding.
Jennifer: Question 27, what is David's pet name for you? - SOPHIE: Um, some - (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) You got this girl.
Bunny? - No, baby think in the morning.
- Yeah.
You get up in the morning, I'm making you coffee, ooh oooh.
Grave digger? Jennifer: Where was David born? New Mexico.
- Eggs? - He said pasta.
How old is David in years? - 12.
AURORA: Oh my Will the baby have David's eyes or Sophie's? Ah Apple crisp.
Jennifer: Question 47, okay, you've got a 50/50 chance of getting this, alright.
Is your husband left-handed or right-handed? Hmmm, let me think about that? Hmmm, hmmm.
- Left-handed? - Oh my God, Sophie! He's right handed, it's like you don't even know his name.
- It's Greg.
- It's Peter! - Oh, geez.
- It's David! - Oh.
- I'm David! AURORA: And cuticle cream, and body cream, and face cream, and table cream.
(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL) - Whoa, whoa, oh my gosh.
- (CHATTERING) Tonya's in heels.
I'm so sorry, I just never wear heels.
So anyway, how are you? Sorry I'm late, just I've got the heels on.
Okay, so, um, as you can see from the mock up what we're talking about here Sorry I'm late.
I didn't mean to be late.
I just, I decided to wear heels today.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
I just, you know, I'm wearing heels, slowing it down.
I'd help file but I'm in heels, so.
Whoa, is this what it's like going backward in heels? Ah, ah, I hope I don't fall over.
Tonya you're doing it! Woo! Oh my gosh, these heels they are so loud.
Can you hear them? There's carpeting so we actually can't hear anything.
TONYA: You can't hear? Oh my God, stop it.
Stop it, you loud heels.
Ting, ting, ting! - Heels!! - Ai yai yai! I hope no one chases me in these heels! She's probably able to catch me in heels! (LIVELY 80S ROCK INSTRUMENTAL) I'm all upset for glory Nothing's gonna stop me now Its my story And no one's gonna tell me how I got to do it right - Heels! - Oh my God! Shut up! I can't help it! The heels control me, I don't control them.
Fuck off, Tonya! Jesus Christ.
- Ah! - Stop it! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Aurora: I can't stop eating grapes.
- MEREDITH: What's in those pastries? - Oh its little Tourtières.
- Oh, I'd love it.
- Deconstructed Tourtière.
- Who wants vino? - I do, white with ice.
Oh my God, I'm having the same.
Wendy, what do you want, hun? None for me thanks, I'm good.
What? Did you want red or? Uh, no.
No, you know what, I think I'm just going to stick with water.
It's uh Oh, no it's, I know.
I know, it's just, um I'm just not drinking for the month of January, it's called Dry January, you know you cut out all booze for the month, and, uh, it's just basically a refresh from being drunk for all of December.
Oh okay.
- That's amazing.
- That's good.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, good for you.
- Yeah.
- That's great.
Yeah it feels great.
It feels really, really good.
MEREDITH: So just to be clear, there's like no booze at all? No booze at all, none, yeah.
Wait, so you're not going to drink at Don and Tara's wedding? Oh, yeah no, I'm definitely drinking at Don and Tara's wedding.
Okay, I'm just saying.
I mean, that's an open bar, you know, you kind of have to, and you've bought the presents and then you have to make up the money in the booze, you know.
What about Jeanette's baby shower on the 14th, what are you doing? You know what, I'll probably be drunk for that, it's super boring, you know, ah a baby.
- Fair enough.
- Fair enough.
You know you can make exceptions, right, like, you've got a wedding, you got a birthday.
- It's Friday.
- It's Tuesday.
You take a pottery class.
"Roxanne" comes on the radio.
If you have a bad dream.
- You got to go to a funeral.
- It's church.
Or like if your friends are drinking wine, and they want to do a toast.
Let's have a toast! I think it's actually bad luck to do a toast with water.
You know what, friends are gonna toast, have a little bit Are you having some red? I'm going to have a little bit of red.
Yeah, here we go.
Here we go.
Oh, come on, it has to do you for the month.
Okay, I got to do it for the month, alright, here we go.
- Just a little toast.
- Dry January - Dry January.
- Yes.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
Mmm, yeah just a little bit more.
Okay, I'll just have that for the rest of the night and then I go back to the water.
So since you said Dry January, I just feel freaked out.
My mouth feels dry.
Makes me thirsty, you know, water might be fine too.
Yeah, I'm just scared.
Oh excuse me, excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, it's just that your dog, he's just so cute.
- Oh thank you.
- Hi, hi, do you mind if I name him? What? I'm going to call you Stanley.
You're such a Stanley, yes.
I-I already Stanley.
I named him Max.
Woman: You're welcome.
Who are you? - Max? - (GROWL) Alright, well we've covered everything on the agenda today, but before we break off, let's give a big hand to Willa.
Willa, great first week.
Oh, thank you so much, thank you.
I'm really happy to be part of the team.
Welcome aboard.
Oh, okay.
Bring it in, you're part of the team now.
- Okay.
- Ah, ah.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL) MAN: I'm really looking forward to working with you.
You smell like flowers.
Thank you.
- Willa.
- Yeah? Welcome aboard.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank You.
Just had hummus.
- Well as I say, I'm - Here, bring it in, come here.
What, oh, do you She doesn't work with us, I don't think.
No, I just really like hugs.
Oh we're kissing.
Great meeting you.
Yes, thank you, oh no.
- Mmmm.
- Okay.
You feel tense.
Yeah I am a little tense.
I don't like to be hugged, okay.
I just don't, I don't like it.
I never do it.
My family doesn't hug, it's nothing personal, I'm just uncomfortable with-with getting closely physical with people I don't really know.
I'm sure you're all lovely, but it just weirds me out.
You kissed me, I don't even know what to do with that.
- I'm French.
- Ugh, I don't want it.
Thank you.
Well, uh, what would you suggest we do? Well we could, you know, we could shake hands or, you know, fist bump, a little high five action, you know, we could just use our words.
It feels impersonal.
French Woman: It doesn't feel right.
It sounds to me like someone needs a (IN UNISON) Group hug! No, I don't.
That's not what I need.
I don't want this.
I don't, I don't, I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I'm not, I don't.
Debbie: Ah, what do you know.
MEREDITH: I, for one, am so happy that Alison and Jeff kind of got back together.
Oh yeah, well I mean, engaged is like, really back together.
- It's serious back together.
- Yeah, I just um Can I tell you something? I just You know how you're not supposed to, um, - say bad things about someone's ex? - Yeah.
Your friend's ex when they're broken up? Uh, yeah well I did that.
- I-I went hard on Jeff.
- Why? 'Cause I think he's a jerk.
I know.
- We're in our 40s, you do that in your 20s.
- I know, I know.
- Everyone gets back together! - But I didn't know.
I'm sorry, I tripled down, I went really bad.
I said (IN UNISON) Hiiiii! Ahhhh! So happy! Oh my God, I'm so glad you guys could make it.
- I'm sorry, I'm just so excited.
- There you go.
- Come on in, get yourself some champagne.
- Happy engagement.
- I don't want to go.
- Okay, so help yourself to anything, we've got champagne, we've got wine, I'm just going to go put this in the present pile.
Fantastic, see ya in a sec.
Well that didn't go well.
- I think it went fine.
- No it didn't.
- What's wrong with you? - She wasn't even looking at me.
Yes, she was.
No, she knows exactly what I've said about Jeff.
She doesn't even want me here.
Oh my God, Debbie, take it down a notch.
Listen, just go be extra nice to Jeff in front of her, and she won't know the difference, okay.
You're a genius, that's exactly what I'll do.
You're a gen-dodododo.
Stop, take it down, take it down, Debbie.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Please don't, you just, oh wow, I don't know.
And that's how you spike a volleyball drunk.
Oh God! - Debbie.
- Jeff! Oh, you're so funny, you are such a nut.
(CHUCKLING) How are you though? How's Jeff? How are you? How is Jeff? Is Jeff okay? - I'd like to know.
- What? How's Jeff? How's Jeff? I'm, I'm good.
Oh, good.
The firm had the best fiscal quarter in the last decade thanks to me and my team, so great.
- I'm really great.
- Can I-can I just say how much I love how much you talk about money.
I mean, it's so refreshing in this day and age, you know, to find someone who actually values money, you know.
Haha, it's refreshing.
It is fresh.
Fresh, fresh, fresh, everybody! Jeff, check this out, I'm gonna get everyone to say fresh.
- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff! - No, no, okay, uh Jeff means fresh! Fresh, fresh, fresh! Jeff: How are you? Chicken on the farm says fresh, fresh.
Chicken on the farm says Jeff is fresh! I'm fine.
- Hey.
- How's it going? - Good.
- Good.
They're being, they're really getting along.
Let me lift you up in the air like Dirty Dancing.
- Okay.
- Let me lift you up like Jennifer Grey.
Is it at all possible that she's overcompensating because of all the mean shit she said about Jeff? Hop on my back and let's fly.
I'm not getting on your back.
Let's fly to Australia and put the shrimp on the bbq.
Oh God, yeah.
I mean, you'd think she was the one that slept with him.
- What? - What? Bwok bwok bwok bwok bwok bwok.
That's Did you sleep with Jeff? Did you sleep? Do you sleep with him? You do 'cause you're engaged, you probably have said I can tell you want, he should sleep with you, and your, that key to that trunk is fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, fuck.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Yeah and then it turned out that the whole story was planted by the corporation in question in the first place.
I mean, it's just impossible to know what's true and what's fake news these days.
I know and I mean we're being brainwashed by the politicians.
Oh, not to mention advertisers.
Oh yeah and the press, we are fed lies all the time about the government, about the environment, about the world being round, about the consumer pricing index, about the fact that Whoa, sorry, sorry, you got to go back for me, what's weird about the world being round? Oh it's just because it's flat.
- What? - You believe the earth is flat? I mean, seriously what proof do we have that it isn't? Oh, I don't know, only several thousand years of scientific observation.
Look, ah, let's just agree to disagree on this one.
The earth is round, that's a fact.
Well, I mean, you believe that fact because you believe in scientific facts, so.
Science doesn't really care if I believe in it or not, it just is, you know, it's not a matter of opinion.
Help me out here, Jan.
Ah, you know, everyone has a different belief system, so.
AURORA: What the fuck are you saying right now? We're talking about observable facts.
You know, planes they can go on a continual loop around the planet and not fall off into a void.
You can-you can see ships come up over the horizon.
There's fucking photos of the earth from space and it's round.
Okay, I just, I don't know, I just feel, I feel like the earth is flat.
Oooh well she does have you there.
- I mean, feelings are things.
- Feelings are not facts.
- They kind of are.
- No! (CHURCH BELL RING) AURORA: I'm just surprised that we're having this discussion in 2019, but fine, fine, even if you feel that the earth is flat, it is round, and it's four billion years old, by the way.
Okay, well I, uh, I just feel differently.
But you know what, I'm-I'm happy to agree to disagree on this one.
Okay, you know what, you can't feel that the world is a certain way.
Okay, you know what, maybe it is flat, and you should watch out because maybe you're going to trip over the edge and somebody might push you off the edge of it.
Hey, what are you doing? Well when something's flat, it has an edge, and you might trip over the edge, maybe somebody's going to push you.
- Stop it! Stop! - Oh my God.
Ah! - JAN: (ECHOING) - Oh my God.
What have you done? Don't worry she'll be fine, there's a magical trampoline made of clouds and it will just rebound her right back up here.
No, there isn't.
Hmm, agree to disagree.
Julie? - Oh.
Oh oh.
- Oh, hey you're here, great.
Meredith: Hi.
Carly: Oh my God, what happened? I just sneezed and ow, I just blew my back out.
- Oh no.
- BRIAN: Are you okay? Ah, it just feels like a hot knife went in my back.
And then just, ow, it just like moves down to my butt.
Maybe you should go home.
You continue on with your work.
- (PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL) - Oh oh, did you want a - Oh Carly, thank you so much, could you just put that down there for me.
Carly: Sure.
Could you just actually pick it up and put it on my desk.
- Here you go.
- Maybe on your desk, if you could.
- So it's just easier for me to - Yeah.
- Thank you.
I don't want to be a bother.
- No bother.
Meredith: Continue with your work.
You too.
Meredith: Ah, ah, oh.
Oh, hang on.
- Do you mind with the chair? - Not at all.
Not at all.
Yeah, there we go.
It's a bit too much, Carly, can you just push it out a bit.
- Sure.
- Oh.
Oooh, in, ow ow, in, ow, in, wow, wow.
- Good? - Just great, get back to work.
Ah ah sisisisiiii, Brian, I can't reach my pen.
- Oooh, thank you.
- No problem.
Get back to work.
This is a heavy highlighter.
Brian, I need a smaller highlighter.
- The cap.
- CARLY: Oh.
Ah! - Hi Brian, that coffee looks good.
- BRIAN: Yeah, how's your back? Oh, it'd be better with a coffee.
Brian: Do you want my coffee? - Stop it.
- No it's nothing.
- No, stop, Brian.
- Nah nah, here you go, take it.
- I can't.
Thank you.
- Ahahahah, Brian.
(LAPPING SOUNDS) Okay there you go.
- AURORA: That feels great I bet - Ah!! (DISTURBED PIANO CHORDS) Muffin looks good.
I'm sure hungry.
Use your tongue, kinda move it around.
Yeah, just move it around in your mouth.
- There you go.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Chew it for me.
- I can't, I have strep throat.
- Chew it for me! - (DISTURBED PIANO CHORDS) - Ahhhh, ahhhhh.
- Aaah.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Ah ah ah ah ah (DISTURBED PIANO CHORDS) - This is nice.
- Thanks.
Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Ah, Carly.
Why don't you just go home? MEREDITH: Brian, I'm gonna vomit, hand me your mug.
- Brian.
- You have my mug.
- Jesus, Brian, give it to me quick.
- (PANICKED INSTRUMENTAL) (RETCHING) Someone hold my hair back.
(RETCHING) - Oh just leave me here to rot.
- BRIAN: Okay.
- I don't want to be a bother.
- BRIAN: No bother.
Brian, um, there's no bother, nobody pay attention to me.
- Get out of your work - (EERIE CHORDS) Carly? (EERIE CHORDS) - Carly? - (EERIE CHORDS) (ECHOING) Carly.
She's coming.
- (EERIE CHORDS) - Save yourselves! Save yourselves.
- Save yourselves, she's coming! - (SCREAMING) - I can hear you! - Get going, get going! Carly! Brian! Hey guys, I got to go to the bathroom.
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