Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e08 Episode Script

There's a Special Place in Hell

1 - Hi.
- Hi.
Wait, I'm so sorry, just one second.
Um, so you go first, and then I wait five seconds and then I follow you, do, you, or Oh, Jesus Christ, Lydia.
This is so simple and you're fucking up her special day.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh no, you're sorry now.
You know what, why don't you just like shut your mouth, and follow me and do exactly what I do.
- Can you handle that? - Yeah.
Okay, phew.
Ahhh! LYDIA: Oh! Oh, wow! Ah! - Okay.
- Okay, it's going to be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
Whah! - Oh! No! - What? Oh my goodness.
(GROANING) Okay, yeah.
Uh, let's take the elevator.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds it's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Baroness Von Sketch Show - S04E08 There's a Special Place in Hell CAROLYN: One, two.
Aaah! - Not bad.
- Not bad.
How many was that? That was just two.
- That's still good.
- It's not bad 'Cause before it was one, remember.
CAROLYN: You've got to come with us, we got a queer dance party.
- I know you're - Oh right, you got to come.
We're allowed to bring straight people so come.
HAT WOMAN: Yeah, come.
- You know what, actually I don't know.
- CAROLYN: Why? I just don't want to be that cliché.
I don't want to embarrass you.
- What cliché? - What cliché? Yeah, what are you talking about? Classic cliché of the straight girl hanging out with all the queers acting like, oh she belongs.
Oh like a fag hag? Oh no it's not that, - what is it when it's with queer women? - Friends.
Ah really, all your friends are going to be like, oh who's that? Who's that sturdy, McStraight straight, oh that straight classic straight girl cliché.
What is she doing? Oh she's just grinding up on all the lesbians.
She's like, oh look at the straight girl, just like grabbing hips, mmm, mmm, mmm, oh you gay? Oh I'm straight.
Let's do this together on the dance floor all night long.
CAROLYN: Are you planning on doing that? You're going to rub your puss on just people or what? I'm a walking cliché.
What is the cliché? Like break it down.
Okay it's like, uh, the straight girl that has a crush on her lesbian friend, she always has, always will and she'll deeply, deeply, deeply regret it if she dies and she's never slept with a woman.
- That's not a cliché.
- That's not a cliché.
You know the one, she orders a strap-on online, she wears it all the time just to see how it feels, and she carries it around in her purse, you know, just like, oh it's in there, just in case that she needs it, please let me need it, you know, and then she's constantly bringing it up in conversation, that one, what's that called? - Coming out.
- Coming out, yeah.
Is it so wrong for a straight woman just to have hot, sweaty, strap-on sex with another woman? I don't think you know what straight means.
Still has her underwear on, you're just coming on in just like that, just teasing ya a little bit.
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL) - OFFICIANT: Queer family, - we are gathered here to celebrate the joyous union of Selena and Pam.
I know what you're all thinking, classic straight girl cliché, right? Is that (STUTTERS) what they're thinking? That's what they're thinking.
Wants to have hot barn burning sex with another woman, just like get it on, but she's got to get married first.
Sorry, I'm just a-I'm just a cliché.
No one's thinking that.
Shut up, I don't care.
(SOFT ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL) - Oh my God, Ebony! Oh hi! - Oh my God, hiiii! Hi! Oh it's so good to see you.
Ebony: And yes, so good to see you.
Oh my God, how are you? How's James? How's your love? He's good, he's so cute.
How's your little guy? How's sweet Sebastian? He is so tall, you wouldn't even believe it.
It's been so long since I've seen him.
I've got to see the kid.
Actually, any chance you can babysit tomorrow night? Yeah, I'm free.
I'm totally free.
- Thank you.
- I would love that.
Would it be okay if James came as well? Oh totally, you guys could watch him together.
- Yay! - So much fun.
It would be so great and don't worry, he's allowed around kids.
What? Oh it's just like he's not weird with kids.
You're just, you're just.
I'm just letting you know.
Oh my God, did something happen? - With what? - With James and-and kids? Oh my God, no! - Jesus, stop! No! - I just, I - Oh my God, no.
- I'm so sorry.
It's okay, no no no no no, he is totally cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool with the kids kids kids kids kids kids kids.
- Okay.
- Great, so what time? I'm-I'm so sorry, just-just there's-there's nothing I need to know about James that somehow hasn't come up before? Would you stop.
No, he is totally allowed around kids, and he's never not been allowed around zeh kids.
- Yay! - Okay.
Can't wait.
Are you allowed around kids? Oh God no, not without supervision, so no.
So I'll see you at 6? What is it that kids like? Tequila? (IN FUNNY VOICE) Hello little sweater muffin.
Hello, I'm Valeta.
I'm - Knocky knockers, hey.
- Whoa.
Okay so I have some options for you.
I could not find the Melinda lace in your size.
- Oh.
- But I did bring a great option for you.
This is the Ron.
It also comes in beige and dark beige.
Ah, it looks, um, sturdy.
Yeah, they put in this extra strap so it really cantilevers the girls right up there.
CUSTOMER: I was really hoping that you had this cute little number in my size.
In an F cup? - Yeah.
- Hahaha! - Oh my God no.
- No.
Uh, but I do have something I think you're really going to like.
This is the Stu.
- Why do all my bras have old man names? - I don't know.
Wait a second, that, that's the same bra.
Oh no no no, the Ron is 275 dollars, and the Stu is 310 dollars.
310 dollars for something that looks like you need a doctor's prescription to wear it? - It's made in France.
- Yeah a depressed part of France, is the war still raging there? You know what, these look depressed to you? Oh my God.
Oh my God, those are fantastic.
I know.
SALES CLERK: It's like Jesus cried a little bit, and his tear drops kind of ran down your chest, and they just solidified there in this fleshy - I'm sorry, may I? - You may.
Oh my God.
- CUSTOMER: Right? - Oh.
Now would you encase happiness in sadness made carnate? No.
Oh my God, it's like you've been punished for having big beautiful boobs.
And I'm only an F cup.
Imagine what our sisters at the end of the alphabet are suffering with.
Oh my God! You're woke now.
- I am awake.
- You are awake! - Yes! - Alright and now that you're awake, can I have a regular pretty bra in my size? - No.
- No? Yeah this is all we have.
Alright fine, I'll take the Stu.
There you go, it's a great choice.
Anyway, enjoy.
(WHISPERING) I'm so sorry.
(CROWD MURMURING) Wow it's so busy.
MEREDITH: I'm so glad we made it.
I think you're really going to like her.
She was kicked out of her last university - for being like way too edgy.
- Oh oh, cool.
PROFESSOR: Good afternoon, settle everybody.
Take your seats, or don't, your personal grammars don't really need a revaluate a directional tilt from me, now do they? (MURMURING AND CHUCKLING) PROFESSOR: The demonic insemination of truth.
- What? - She speaks in metaphors.
PROFESSOR: The demon presence is deeply connected to the turbulence of water forms, the tadpole, the Norse Kelpie, flowings of abject actuality, but not in a literal sense.
(LAUGHTER) PROFESSOR: How many of us have kitchen cabinets? - Right, yes.
- You have cabinets.
Your kitchen is a place of shame, of cabinetry because it is a primordial water source, the feminine hearth warm, castrating, drying out our sources of spiritual sustenance.
(SCOFFS) - Um, excuse me.
- Yes? Um, A, what are you talking about, and B, did you just draw a giant dick on the projector? (CROWD GASPS) Oh, uh, I see what's happening here, you're conflating meaning with thinking of things.
Okay, but that's a huge dick, like are you denying that you just drew a huge dick on the projector? Are you embarrassed by the male form? Okay, so you at least admitting now that that's what that is? I can neither confirm nor deny that.
- It's a dick.
- Wow.
Perception says more about the perceiver than it does about the object.
It's a dick.
If you cross your eyes like this, it feels like it could be something important.
Okay, you know what, this is ridiculous.
I'm not going to cross my eyes and look at two dicks.
- I got to go.
- Don't do this to me.
I have other things I could be doing.
- Enjoy your dick time.
- One dick here.
Honestly, if anyone wants to follow me.
- No one's following ya dick.
- Okay, okay.
We have been privileged to witness in real time somebody completely forgetting rule number 11.
(LAUGHTER) PROFESSOR: Did everybody complete their assignments? Bring them out.
Very good.
Throw off the chains of conformity and rise as individuals.
And buy my book! (CHEERING) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh excuse me, I'm so sorry.
(ELEVATOR MUSIC) (ELECTRICAL SURGE) What? Whoa, whoa, whoa Is there a call button? 'Cause there's usually a call button.
Let's fucking do this.
My name's Jane everybody, stay calm, you understand me? You want to get out of here? Then you got to listen to everything I say, do you understand me? Yippee ki-yay (BLEEP)! You get over here, hey, get against the wall, make yourself Goddamn useful.
- Hey, chill out.
- Whoa.
Right you, get out here, put your ass in the air.
- Hey hey hey hey hey.
- I said squat (BLEEP).
Do you have children? You want to see your kids? Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
MAN: Hey, that's Armani.
Don't worry, Jane is going to get you out.
(DEEP VOICE) This is it! (ELEVATOR DINGS) (ELEVATOR MUSIC) JANE: Nooooooooo! Oh look there's a dime.
Cute place.
Yeah and they have a great craft beer selection.
Can I start you two off with something to drink? Yes please, I will have a white wine.
Ha, no, sorry, that's not what I meant to say.
I'll have a white wine.
Sorry, that's not what I want.
I would like a white wine.
What is happening? How 'bout I give you another minute? That was so weird.
- I think I know what's happening? - What? You're, uh, what? Uh, 42, 43? I'll be 42 next month.
I'm sorry, but you drink white wine now.
No, no no.
I only drink beer.
Yeah, not anymore.
Look, I know it's unfair but the fact of the matter is is that when you reach a certain age as a white woman well, you're going to want to exclusively drink white wine.
I hate white wine.
- I love beer.
- Have you decided? Ah, yes, what is your house white? It's a delicious Pinot Grigio, very crisp and hints of green apple.
Oh that sounds delightful.
I'd rather drink my own piss.
Ew, okay, I'll be back in a minute.
Look, I know this is very upsetting, but it's not like you can never have another beer again.
- Really? - Yes of course.
When you go on vacation, you will be able to have one Coronita beside the pool, but only one because (IN UNISON) more than one makes you feel bloated.
(GASPS) - Yes.
- No.
- Have we decided? - Yes, yes.
I have decided.
I would like a mmm mmm, beer agrigio! No, okay, okay, I'm just gonna I'm gonna point to the list, okay.
Fuck you.
That's not happening.
No I've got it.
Oh this is just sad.
Um, we're going to have two glasses of your house white.
Yeah, I figured as much, here you go.
Thank you.
Two Pinot Grigios and I brought a glass of ice on the side for the table.
- Oh, thank you.
- Ah ah ah.
That's better.
It's delicious.
You know chin up, it's not all bad, you don't need the flashlight on your phone to read the menu yet.
(CAR HONK) Oh, do you want in? I'm sorry, got my nails done.
(CAR HONKING) - Sorry I got, it's not, what?! - Haha! (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) - (CAR HONKING) - Don't, I just don't, I just - Can I can I help you or? - No.
Yaaay! (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) - (CAR HONKING) - Ah!!! I farted.
Yes! Body roll.
That's right, she's flexible too.
Yes, woohoo! Got it! - And I got, ah, fu - (CAR HONKING) Hold on, 64, it's 64.
It's 64!!! Oh wait, is that a crescent or a boulevard? Is that a (TENSE INSTRUMENTAL) - Yes? - Hey, yeah.
Just a second.
I'm having some It's just, it's a thing right I got it, you know what seemed to work? - Knuckles.
- Are you going to move or what? What's going on here? I don't have all day.
Yeah I'm gonna, I'm gonna move.
I just was having trouble.
I just got my nails done.
You know, I've seen some bad female drivers before - but this is ridiculous.
- (TENSE INSTRUMENTAL STOPS) What did you just say to me? I said you're a bad female driv - Aaahh! - (SQUISHING) Oh my God! Now who's going to be the bad driver? 64 Beaches Road.
Okay, yeah this works way better.
Oh shit.
(INSPIRATIONAL MARATHON MUSIC) Can you hurry up, the whole bus is waiting.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know what that was about, so strange, anyway, get right on.
Sorry everyone.
Sorry, sorry about that.
Oh morning Joan, we have a meeting in the boardroom in ten minutes.
Oh whoa whoa, what happened to your foot? JOAN: Oh no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just tore it on a nail that was sticking out of my floorboard this morning, but I'm fine.
I'm just going to grab my TMS report and we'll go to the meeting, let's go.
No no no no no, you sit down and I'll get the report.
I'm fine, I put Purell on it in the streetcar this morning.
- Why? - I thought it had healing properties.
- Oh it doesn't.
- No it stings a lot.
You just sit down and I'll go get the report.
- (BANG) - Ow! Jesus! Oh my gosh Tanya, are you okay? Oooh.
Yeah, no I'm fine, I'm fine.
Look at your eyes, I think they're leaking.
I think maybe I nicked my corneas.
Ah, you know, I'll just have a poached egg for lunch.
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- A poached egg okay, fine.
Yeah, I'm just going to wrap them up.
I'll be fine.
I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine.
I'm just grabbing Hey you guys, are you still going to the meeting? Oh my God Marlene, what happened? Oh you sound terrible.
I think I'm just allergic to citrus suddenly or something, but I ate some garlic, so I'll be okay.
JOAN: Are you sure? Yeah, no I'm fine.
- Are you fine? - Yeah.
(LABOURED BREATHING) Okay, hold on, I'm just going to quickly, (LABOURED BREATHING) um, just do up a little splint here.
- Marlene let's go to the meeting.
- Let's go.
- We're fine, we're fine.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) - Yeah, are you okay? - Yeah, are you okay? Yeah yeah, I'm okay, I just, I think my, uh, well my water hasn't broken yet, so I'm okay.
- Yeah, ooohhh! - (SCREAMING) TANYA: My feet are wet.
No it's okay, I've got about twenty minutes before, uh, I got to just keep going.
Okay, okay.
I'll be fine.
Okay, okay, okay.
We'll be fine.
- Hey.
- Oh my gosh.
What happened? Oh no I'm fine, just a real light-real light hit and run on the way on my bike, it's nothing, I'm fine.
- You're fine? - I'm fine.
Yeah you seem okay.
Okay, let's go.
This meeting is going to be amazing.
- Hey.
- (IN UNISON) Hey.
Meeting's cancelled.
- What? - What happened? I got a pretty deep paper-cut.
I'm going to take a half day.
- Okay.
- Yeah you do that.
Actually it stings pretty bad.
I'm going to take a full day.
Sure, sure.
Are we fine? I don't think this is fine.
I don't think this is fine.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh JENNIFER: Who would fall for him? He's sexist, he's racist, he's homophobic, given the chance he would roll back every single right we've all been fighting for for the past forty years, who votes for that? Well, I voted for him.
What? Why? Well, they say do one thing every day that scares you, so that was that day.
Come on, come on.
WIFE: Hi! Babe, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I'm so glad you're safe, I was calling your cellphone, but it's dead.
Please if you're going to be out that late, you got to make sure it's charged, okay, I worry.
Oh honey, you're so sweet, but you don't have to worry.
I mean, statistically speaking, I'm much more likely to get murdered by you hahaha, boop, doodoo.
I'm just going to grab a shower.
I'll be right up.
WIFE: Sleep with one eye open, that's what my mom always taught me.
Some leftover risotto if you want.
Um, I just think that there has been a bit of a mistake.
So I died, waa, and then I was at the gates of heaven, and I was having a little chat with Saint Peter and then I don't know how it happened, but Mother Teresa came up and I just mentioned that her charities were like, a little bit shady, and then there's this big oooooshhh, and then I'm here, I ended up here, so.
- Yes, you're in the wrong place.
- Thank you.
There's a special place in hell for women (DEMONIC VOICE) who don't support other women.
- What? - It's down the hall.
When you see the immature improv show, you're halfway there.
(DEMONIC CHUCKLE) IMPROV PERFORMER: For this next one, I'm going to be a genre and the tool that (SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC) (BACKGROUND CHATTER) (IN UNISON) Oooh.
Hello, welcome.
Thank you.
- I'm Tracey.
- I'm Heather.
What brings you to this special place in hell? I just, I wanted to have a little gossip like about Mother Teresa and then - Oh.
- Yeah that will do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
I left a negative comment on a mommy blogger's think piece.
I didn't really love Mindy Kaling's last book.
I lied, I said I liked Nannette but I didn't.
Okay, this is just different points of view, it doesn't show a lack of support.
I don't think it warrants a special place in hell.
I mean, like come on! Where's all the other men that don't support other men, do they, they have a? - They don't go to hell, they get promoted.
- Mhm.
Okay, stop it! This is bullshit! We need to mobilize.
We're going to fight back.
I'm so sorry, it's just that one woman tried that once and it didn't go so well.
Satan made an extra special place in hell for her.
She has to spend eternity with a music nerd mansplaining his vinyl collection.
What? Mimosa? Oh, okay well, that doesn't seem that bad.
This is the baby shower that never ends.
What? (EERIE CHORDS) MOM-TO-BE: Swaddling blankets you guys, pass them around.
- Oh fuck.
- (EERIE INSTRUMENTAL) Oh oh, you'll never get drunk.
What? Swaddling blankets you guys, pass them around.
How long have you been here for? (DEMONIC VOICE) Centuries! Swaddling blankets you guys, pass them around.
Swaddling blankets you guys, pass them around.

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