Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e01 Episode Script

Whatever You Do, Don't Smell His T-Shirts

1 Look, all I'm saying is there's a total power imbalance here.
I mean, what gives you the right to say what is right and what is wrong in this relationship? What is a lie and what is the truth? All I want to do is speak my truth freely.
Feel my feelings without feeling like I am constantly being judged by you.
I mean, what gives you the right? (STENOGRAPH TAPPING) I'm a judge.
DEFENDANT: Well that's your truth, not mine.
No, it's-it's the truth.
I'm a judge.
That's your opinion.
- Look, I'm in a robe.
- That's your outfit.
I went to judge school.
I went to - Are you? - Are you? Is this some kind of - What? - What? (BANGING) Bang, bang, all caps.
- Oh my god.
- Oh my god.
(STENOGRAPH TAPPING) Get your hands off my gavel! That's fun, I see why you like it.
I see why you like it.
No respect.
No respect.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends Will spike the punch, ♪ Rolling in the party We'll start the fun ♪ Get fancy ♪ Hey Hey ♪ There's no clouds Its just the sun ♪ Living in times that Are meant for fun, yeah ♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪ (ITALIAN GUITAR MUSIC) CAROLYN: It's an honour to have the respect of Donna's up in Richmond Hill, down in Queen's Quay, Leslieville.
Thank you all for coming in and joining me from your respective condo developments.
I brought you all here together to deal with a matter that affects all of us and all our families.
Too many people have been hurt.
Too much pain inflicted.
It's gone too far, with respect.
With respect, of course.
We have no reason not to respect each other.
WOMAN: Yeah.
But uh, something's gotta stop.
Just this morning I was shot (DRAMATIC BEAT) From below.
(COLLECTIVE GASPS) AURORA: Look at your many chins.
CAROLYN: Yeah, look at this.
On this, the day of my daughter's wedding.
Was that you? I only take selfies.
JENNIFER: With respect, please do not repay this debt with vengeance.
Because I could.
Oh yeah.
I could repay the debt with vengeance to you or you or, or you.
Yeah, I could post a picture of you in bikini season.
Pre-shave, pre-Keto on the beach.
But what would that get me? That will get you more shots of you in that terrible sweatpants with a period stain on the back.
MEREDITH: Yeah, more shots of you out in the desert burying bodies when you told everybody you were home with cramps, sick.
I did have cramps, but then I took a couple of pills and I was able to go out and bury the body.
Okay, leave me alone.
Look, you are the worst of us all.
Look at this photo you tagged us in when we were stuffing a body in the trunk.
You're the only one that looks good.
The only one! - Look.
- Yeah, yeah, I can't help it.
I'm the best looking one of the bunch.
There will be no more tags.
You understand me? But how? It's impossible.
AURORA: No, no, no, no.
I know how.
Like if somebody having a group photo, like you send that around in an email and they have like veto power, or if we need we can do like a Google doc.
It's so simple.
I'm going to need a lesson 'cause I I send you a link.
- Send me a link, okay.
- CAROLYN: Okay.
Phones on the table.
Let's go.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) CAROLYN: The untagging starts now.
Come on, go in there, go deep into your photo album.
Find them all.
- Untag.
- Untag.
- CAROLYN: Delete.
- Untag, delete.
Untag, untag, untag, untag, untag.
- CAROLYN: Come on, untag.
- I'm so hot.
I get a lot of action from this one.
Look at me.
- Untag, untag.
- I'm in a Speedo for the - CAROLYN: Untag! - Untag CAROLYN: Yeah, now uh, enjoy the choux pastry and pretend we were never here.
You want a group selfie? - A little, okay, that's good.
- Yeah.
Up and over the fence, shoulders back.
Smiling, long neck.
(CAMERA CLICKING) (MACHINE BEEPING) I checked it, I checked it.
Hey, what's up? Oh, it's just this new dishwasher.
It's super problematic.
Hahaha, okay, hang on, I'm going to stop you there.
Problematic is not a synonym for problem.
Problematic means like iffy, not definite, open to debate and usually refers to something that either a man or a white person did.
So a dishwasher by its very nature cannot be problematic.
Can it be a problem? Yes.
Problematic? No.
DISHWASHER: Load me up sugar tits.
Oh yeah, that dishwasher's super problematic.
I told you.
Okay, walk away.
Walk away slowly.
- Very slowly.
- Slowly.
DISHWASHER: Don't go! I'm a feminist! (PHONE DINGS) Oh my God.
It just texted me.
MEREDITH: What? It sent me a picture of its cutlery tray.
Oh I'm gonna, actually, that's not.
- I'd have a piece of - Yeah? I'd take that fork.
It's not so bad.
- Just see ya.
- Okay.
How do you send a dishwasher a phone number? Well it's like you forget how magical barns are.
I know.
I know.
- Yeah.
- Oh, so Yes.
I never get to ask you, but what did you think of Christie? Oh my, yes! I can't believe we haven't debriefed.
She seems great.
Oh my god, she so is.
I really like her.
Yeah, she seems great.
She is.
Yeah, she really seems like it.
You two seem really happy.
AURORA: I would say we really are.
You know, like we are definitely having a good time, you know? I mean, I'm I'm actually very, very happy.
Yeah, totally.
It totally seems that way.
Well, I mean it doesn't just seem that way, you know, we actually are very happy.
I bet you are.
Well, we really are.
No, I agree with you.
It really seems like you two are happy.
AURORA: Well, we don't just seem happy.
- We are very happy, you know? - Okay.
Just believe me, we're happy.
No, seems like it.
For sure.
God, I mean, we are happy.
I'm happy.
Look at how happy I am.
Just look at Ah! Oh god.
Oh shit.
- (GROANING) - I'm so sorry.
Oh my god.
Dude, are you okay? Ah! No! Ah! No I'm actually in a lot of pain.
Yeah, it seems like you are.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah it seems that way.
Like my Uh, I think my kneecap's come off.
Yeah it seems like its come off.
What's wrong with you? Is something wrong with you.
You're a mon Monster! I mean, I seem like a monster, but am I a monster? Okay, I get it.
Owwww! It seems like you're screaming.
Oh Jesus.
Good weekend? Mm, yeah.
You know that movie, uh, "Baby's Night Out"? - Mhm.
- Saw it twice.
- Ooh, nice.
- Yeah.
Marsha's got a really cool new red leather jacket.
Oooh, smokin'.
Hey ladies, you feeling spicy today or what? (HARD ROCK BEAT) Marsha.
MARSHA: Boring.
So boring.
I'm gonna check you assholes later.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC) Damn, that jacket is cool.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC) Marsha, can you forward me those sales reports that we've got Hey, Dave, can you eat your own butt? (HARD ROCK MUSIC) Wow.
I'll try.
What a jacket.
Ah! Ah! Nice jacket.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC) You waiting? Yeah but Take a walk, raccoon tits.
Three aces, suckas.
Straight royal flush, you bunch of horse potato asses.
And I don't even know how to play.
Oh I do.
Can I play? MARSHA: Get out of here.
Light your dick on fire.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC) Your jacket is so cool.
I know.
It's the coolest.
(TINKLING DREAMY MUSIC) Na, na, na, na, na, pffff! So what do you think of the jacket? What do you think of shutting your big dumb mouth you stupid piece of corn crap, sorry.
You know what? This Yeah, this jacket it's-it's, uh, it's not for me.
I thought it was, but I, yeah.
Thank you.
It's not what I It's not me.
- It wasn't you, no.
- No.
Oh and how's everything fitting? Eat your own asshole.
Oh, um Thank you.
(HARD ROCK MUSIC) Fuck y'all! (ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - (INTENSE MUSIC) - (HEAVY BREATHING) ♪ Alright, Candace, this is your ex-boyfriend's apartment and we're here to help you get your shit back.
Now this apartment is going to have really high levels of emotional radioactivity for you, so you need to be careful.
If you spend longer than 90 seconds in there, you're going to forget why you left and you're going to get back together with him.
All right, suit up, keep yourselves covered.
Use the shovel.
No skin contact.
Don't look at anything for too long.
If it's yours, grab it, move on.
JENNIFER: This breakup's been a disaster.
Thank you so much for helping me get my stuff back.
Hey, any time.
We're here for you.
And once we're done, you never have to come back here for the rest of your life.
I'll be on the clock.
When you hear me banging this, no matter what you're doing, you get out.
AURORA: Stay strong and no matter what, do not smell his t-shirts.
All right.
You ready? - You ready? - Ready! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! MEREDITH: Move! Let's do this! Hurry, go, go, go! Go, go, go! We got to go! I need my toothbrush.
(PANTING) MEREDITH: What are you doing in there?! I'm getting my expensive shampoo! I paid forty dollars for this shit! MEREDITH: Hurry, hurry! I'm hurrying! MEREDITH: Let's go, let's go! JENNIFER: I'm coming.
(FRENZIED PANTING) I want this and I want that.
And I want Oh.
That's my copy of "The Dispossessed".
I love this book.
I like when she Hey! No reading.
Put in the bag! Sixty goddamn seconds.
Let's go! Okay, okay! (INTENSE MUSIC) JENNIFER: Help me find my bra.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Dig through the sheets, dig through the sheets! - (GRUNTING) - (INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER) My comfy bra! MEREDITH: Put it in the bag! JENNIFER: Put it in the bag! MEREDITH: Go, go, go, go! (INDISCERNIBLE SHOUTING) JENNIFER: (BREATHLESS) Oh okay, okay.
We're in here.
No, uh, uh My mail, my mail.
Give me my mail.
My mail, get in the bag, stupid mail.
What's wrong with this bag? Get in! Get in! Ah, oh my god the mug I made him with the picture.
- Ah! - (CRASHING) No I can fix it.
I can fix it, it's okay, I can fix it.
Leave it! Twenty seconds!! Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah! Oh! (FRENZIED PANTING) JENNIFER: Cottage 2016.
MEREDITH: Nooo! Don't you fucking touch it! Use the shovel! Use the shovel! I'm so young.
Look at his face.
MEREDITH: (SCREAMING) Noooo! Don't touch it! - Give it to me! - Nooo! Give it to me! - All the memories.
It burns! It burns! We gotta go! We gotta go! We gotta go! Go, go, go, go, go! - (PANTING) - His pajamas.
MEREDITH: Move out! His smell! He smells so good.
MEREDITH: Ahhhhhh! JENNIFER: No just leave me! Don't you die on me! Leave me! (INTENSE MUSIC) Hold me! Oh my god, did that man ever use deodorant? No, that's what I loved about him.
Let's go! Come on, you can make it! Okay.
Mmm, mmm.
Hashtag blessed.
Let's get these babies some scrambled eggs and beans.
Yes! Ah fuck it.
Braless Tuesdays are the best.
(GLASSES CLINKING) (INDISCERNIBLE MURMURING) Yay! Give a little kissy! (GLASSES CLINKING) Ah thank you, thanks everybody.
But, uh, we're-we're not gonna do that.
We're gonna try and step away from tradition and do our own thing.
But thank you guys, enjoy-enjoy the dinner.
Thanks everyone.
- Ah, come on.
- (COLLECTIVE MOANS) Okay Margie, tell them.
You are gonna do it.
Here we go.
(CROWD BOOS) - Stop it.
- Boo.
Give us a kiss! - (CROWD CHEERING) - (GLASSES CLINKING) - We want to have an untraditional - Stop it! Stop it, you're being weird! Guys! - (CROWD CHEERING) - (CLINKING GLASSES) We're trying not to! Okay fine, is this what you want? Is this what you want? Come on! (FRENZIED CROWD CHEERING) - (FRENZIED CROWD CHEERING) - (TENSE MUSIC) ♪ (SWELLING TENSE MUSIC) - (SOBBING) - (SWELLING TENSE MUSIC) ♪ Is that you wanted, you animals?! It's not enough that we feed you and we have an open bar and you are eating 700 dollar cake! We have to perform for your amusement? Well you are all a bunch of perverts! Perverts! Yes, you should be ashamed of yourselves! Just relax and eat your dinner.
- Are you okay? - (SOBBING) No.
I'm not.
(GROOM SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY) (GLASSES CLINKING) Are you fucking kidding me right now? Kiss! Yeah, isn't this fun? - (CROWD CHEERING) - (GLASSES CLINKING) (ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ (ENERGETIC MUSIC) Felicia, go get me some pho.
Colin, head to HR.
- Tracey, walk with me.
- Ah, my name is Candace.
You need to walk with me.
Candace, well whoever you are you need to hang up the phone.
I'm on the phone with Chad though, - it's an important call.
- Well Chad just said goodbye.
- So you can just walk with me.
- What's going on? - We're heading to the washroom.
- Oh I can just wait here.
No, you are coming with me.
We can walk and do business at the same time.
Ah, okay what did you4 Listen, what I need to talk to you about is What are you doing Candace? Why are you stopping? Oh, I'm just going to wait here until you're done.
Why are you going to wait there? I asked you to come in with me.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you've got to walk with me.
- Okay.
- Don't be weird.
- In there? - You're coming in here.
Okay, so listen Tracey, - this is how it's going to go.
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) What are you doing? Oh, I'm just going to let you go into the stall.
- You're going to come in with me.
- Hm? Come in here with me right now.
I need to talk to you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Come on in.
MEREDITH: You don't have to be weird about this.
- Everybody's doing it.
- Okay? We're going to have to let you go.
Sorry, what? You're fired.
(LOUD GUSHING) Okay, I, uh MEREDITH: No, no, no, no, no.
Don't go.
You can at least wait 'til I'm finished.
Don't be rude.
(LOUD GUSHING) It's like a seriously long stream.
(SIGHS) I had a big pop.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Tecumseh Valley Kennel Show, the biggest dog show in the Lambton Kent region.
All our teams are here, so let's get this started! - (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) - (ENERGETIC MUSIC) There's something wrong with Bibsy.
She just will not get up.
I don't think she's gonna be able to compete.
Oh god.
Oh god.
What am I gonna do? She's just.
TRAINER: Oh no, that's too bad.
Well, if your dog can't compete and you can't find a substitute dog, then I'll guess you'll have to forfeit.
TRACEY: Where am I going to find a substitute dog at this late hour? Hm, I don't know.
It sucks to be you.
ANNOUNCER: First up, from Flamborough, it's Mama's Little Helper.
Jump, jump.
Oh, good boy, good boy, good boy.
I'll do it.
What? I'll replace Bibsy.
You gotta trust me on this one, Tracey.
I know how to do this.
I've seen you do this routine a million times.
I see you train.
I've been with you every step of the way.
I know all the moves.
I know all the tricks.
- You gotta let me do this one.
- Oh.
(STIRRING MUSIC) - Put the collar on.
- But Do it! But you're a human.
Not today, I'm not.
Not today.
(STIRRING MUSIC) Put the collar on me.
(STIRRING MUSIC) Who's my good girl? (TENDER MUSIC) I am.
(TENDER MUSIC) Let me just make a few adjustments.
TRACEY: Just gonna ANNOUNCER: And from Leamington we We have a substitution.
From Leamington, please welcome Tracey Green and her dog, Christine Taylor.
(QUELLED AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) TRACEY: Okay, tunnel, tunnel, tunnel, tunnel.
Come here, come to mommy.
Good girl, good girl.
Weavy poles, weavy poles, weavy poles.
Come on girl.
Weavy poles, weavy poles.
In and out, in and out.
Doo, doo, doo! Doo, doo, doo! And, up! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Good girl! Good girl.
Good girl.
Good girl.
Okay, sit! And, wave your paw.
And play dead.
And alive! (ROUSING MUSIC) TRACEY: Wait.
Come here.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Good girl! Good girl.
Good girl.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - (PAGEANTRY MUSIC) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) ♪ (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) And the winner of the 2020 Tecumseh Valley Kennel Show is (DRUM ROLL) The team from Flamborough, Ontario.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) What? That's not fair! - Thank you.
- What are you talking about? JUDGE: Your team was disqualified.
No way.
There is no rule stating that a human woman cannot win the Tecumseh Valley Kennel Show! It's the first rule.
- Oh there it is.
- Yeah okay.
You know what, this is a dumb dog show and we're gonna leave.
Come on girl.
Can a man be a dog in the show? Ah Yeah, yeah he can.
Okay, good.
Very good.
(WHISPERING) Good boy.
(ECHOING) You're such a good boy.
You're the goodest boy in the world.
Heel boy! Heel!
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