Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e02 Episode Script

I Prefer the Term Bonus Parent

1 So I just pull a name from the bowl.
I look at it and then my team has to guess who it is? Yeah yeah and you can give clues, you just can't say the name of the celebrity.
Yeah you just describe them.
So, uh, Lily you go first, um, we'll guess and Jen do you mind timing? - Yeah, no problem.
- Okay, great.
You guys are going down! Okay, I got this.
Team, team, okay.
Go! Go! (EXCITED SCREAMING) Okay, um, ah, ah, famous, he's famous, and um, he was charged with sexual misconduct.
- Louis C.
! - Oh God, gross, no.
- Charlie Rose! - Matt Lauer! - Bill Clinton! - Kevin Spacey! No, no, no, he was actually charged.
- Epstein! - No! - Roger Ailes! - No, he's still alive.
- No.
- Oh, Clarence Thomas - No! - R.
- No no no no no! - Tom Sizemore! No, no, he was found guilty.
- Harvey Weinstein.
- The other one, the other one! Bill Cosby! CeeLo Green.
No no, he's still working today.
- Roman Polanski! - Mike Tyson! - Marilyn Manson! - James Franco.
Oh no, none of-none of those.
Can we just drink? - (IN UNISON) Yeah.
- I think so.
Whose idea was this game? - Hers.
- Shame on you.
JEN: I'm sorry guys.
Sorry my mind just can't stop naming now.
Yeah, it's like a most wanted list.
CAROLYN: Casey Affleck? Andrew? This is not fun.
Michael Jackson? ("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch ♪ Rolling in the party we'll start the fun ♪ Get fancy ♪ Hey Hey ♪ There's no clouds its just the sun ♪ Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah ♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪ Okay Tammy, yeah great, I'm going to have to let you go 'cause I'm here with Marion.
Tell her I say hi.
Okay, okay right, uh huh.
Okay, well, I'll see you next week.
Yeah that sounds good.
Okay, will do.
Okay, okay.
I'll talk to you later.
So did you tell her? Tell her what? That I said "hi" Oh no, I guess I forgot.
Really? You forgot? Because I literally just told you.
I'm sure it's not a big deal.
Ah, no Bonita, it is a massive deal.
Now Tammy knows that I'm with you and she thinks I didn't say hi.
Okay, uh, you're overreacting Mary-Ann.
Ah, no Bonita, you are the one that doesn't understand what a huge deal this is.
Or maybe you do? Oh my God, are you trying to sabotage my relationship with Tammy? What? No, of course not.
Okay, then call her back.
You want me to call her back to tell her that you say hi.
No Bonita, I want you to call her back and tell her I already said hi.
Oh my God! Have you lost your mind? You had one job Bonita and you fucked it up! This is one you! Fix it! - Seriously? - Yes.
Oh my God, fine! You're being ridiculous.
(INDISCERNIBLE SQUABBLING) I hope you know that you- Hi! Hi Tammy, yeah it's me again.
Um, yeah, so ah, um, I forgot to mention that Marion says hi.
Yes, she said hi when we were on the phone before and I-I forgot to mention it and I didn't, so now I'm mentioning it, so Marion says hi.
Just wanted you to know.
Okay, I will do that.
Okay, bye.
Thank you so much.
(TENSE MUSIC) BONITA: Happy? MARION: I am so happy, thank you.
Okay, stand down.
Turns out Marion did say hi.
(TENSE MUSIC) We have a new target now.
(SWELLING TENSE MUSIC) Target acquired.
Give her a warning shot (GUN FIRE) (CHUCKLING) You said warning shot but I got her ear.
Oh shit.
- Is she bleeding? - Yeah.
- Hey, welcome.
- Hi.
Can I help you with anything? Yes, I would like to buy some weed.
- Oh, cannabis.
- Excuse me? Well now that it's legal, we call it cannabis.
- Oh, okay, cannabis.
- Okay.
I'd like to buy some cannabis.
What's your flavour? I think I'm going to take 3.
5 grams of the "Purple Brain Crusher".
Great choice.
Thank you.
That will be $46.
Is everything okay? I mean, it's just kind of You know, it's just a little You know.
Did you want to do this old school? (SIGHS) Yes please.
Yes, buying from a dealer is only thing that made me feel like I had any edge, right? You know, and now that it's legal, what do I got? I'm just a very basic white lady, so - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, just gotta set the mood, you know.
Oh that's nice.
SHOPKEEPER: Yeah, okay.
- There we go.
- Good.
- What'sup.
- What'sup? (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) You ah, you holding? You a narc? (SCOFFS) A narc.
You look like a narc Yeah, well I'm not a narc.
You smell like a narc.
How would you know what a narc smells like? Touché.
What do you want? We got like an eighth, quarter, a dime bag, what? I want a quarter.
I don't want any shake.
I want something that's going to make me laugh but it's not going to leave me on the couch, you know what I mean, man? SHOPKEEPER: Yeah, man, I get you.
Um, I think I have something for you.
We have the Sigourney Weaver special this week.
We have Gorilla Mist, Chestbuster and Tall Blue Stranger.
Ah, I'm going to go with Chestbuster, like wahhh! Okay, yeah great.
Arrrr! Oh shit, the 5-0! Ah, here! Ahhh! Run! (TENSE BEAT) Oh my gosh, thank you so much.
- That was fun for me too.
- That was excellent.
- Yeah, I had a great time.
- That was great, thank you But I am going to have to see your driver's licence to legally sell you this.
Fuck you you corporate shield.
There you go, thank you, that was really amazing.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay, no problem.
- We'll see you tomorrow.
- Bye.
It's just not the same.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) Alright, where's she at? Sir, Agent Gail's been captured behind enemy lines.
The entire mission has been compromised.
She has the launch codes.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, Gail won't say a thing.
But sir, she has the launch codes.
The rebel faction is just going to torture her until she gives them up, it's over.
DIRECTOR: No, would you calm down.
Gail is impervious to torture.
She has "Mom Brain".
SPY: What is that? DIRECTOR: It's a thing, you know, after you've had kids, it's very hard to recall specific information.
It all just goes (WHISTLES) right out the window.
She's the best spy we've got.
(TENSE MUSIC) Tell us what you know.
- Ahhhh! - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Give us launch codes! - Ahhhhhh! - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) God no I would tell you these codes if I could remember.
I just, I have mom brain.
It's like I'm going to say it and then boop, it's just, it's gone.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - Owwww! It's peas, was it something 'bout frozen peas, was it that? Ugh.
(GURGLING) Ah, oh this is it now, Club Z points, have you heard of those? - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - Ahhhhh! Okay, hamburger meat, was it that? Grrrr.
Oooh, my oh my that stung a bit.
Banjo, was it a banjo? Get the winter tires on, that was it.
Whole wheat flour.
Book club.
Knitting class.
I always wanted to go, I never did.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - Ahhhh! I smell better than I think.
I'm using this new soap.
Pull another one, see what happens.
What's the code? Okay, sweetheart, you need to floss your teeth, did your mother ever tell you that? Here I'll help you.
I got it.
I just Just trying to help, honey.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - Ahhhhh! Oh my God.
How do you two know each other? What's your story? Open your mouth and tell us the code.
(GURGLING) Oh, you know what, there it is, it's Oop, it's gone again.
I don't know.
GAIL: Listen, before this goes any further I need to be honest with you.
I just shredded my bat cave when I gave birth to little Gregory and then I tore the stitches twice.
Once taking a turkey out of the oven, the other time during Zumba.
So I'm just sorry these little tools here that's not gonna do very much.
But come on over, give it a try.
I want to be fair.
I just don't wanna waste anybody's time.
(OMINOUS MUSIC) Come on now, you're good at your job.
(SOBBING) You're just too strong.
You're just such a tough lady.
Well I'm a mom.
Don't you have a mom? No (SOBBING).
No, well that's the problem.
Sweetheart, you're going to bounce back from this.
- I'll never bounce back.
- Now take a deep breath for me.
And as you breathe in, say "I believe in myself" I believe in myself.
- Listen, can I give you some advice.
- Yeah.
You can put a neck tie on a pig but at the end of the night it's still a pig, okay.
And never look a goat in the eye, that's what my grandmother always told me.
But sir, I-I don't understand.
How does she retrieve the information when she knows it? Yeah, she has a very special way.
We just have to pray that we get her out of there before 3am.
What happens at 3am? - Mommy wakes up.
- (TENSE BEAT) (GASPS) Count! Apple, Tango, Fox, 29er6, Bravo, 449.
(GASPS) Phew.
Oh and dishwasher pods.
Don't forget to bring home those dishwasher pods.
You still got it Margie.
(ALT-POP CHORDS) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ("SAY WHAT YOU DO" BY CHUNKY NELSON) ♪ Heyyy! Oh thank you.
("SAY WHAT YOU DO" BY CHUNKY NELSON) Ah God, this music is great! - Yeah! - Awesome playlist.
Yeah and who's your streaming service? Oh no no, I didn't use any of that stuff.
Waste of money.
Yeah, yeah I just hooked up my cellphone to the speaker and then just played the whole music from my internet service provider.
- Oh my God, that's so smart! - Yeah yeah.
Hey hot tip: If you have a billing issue, just say that you have one, you've got like four hours of unlimited music.
I will just ask to talk to the manager.
Yeah totally, that's a great way to get another two.
Hun, we should use this.
I haven't actually had internet in like, probably about a couple months.
- But the music's great.
- Woohoo! - Wow, he's a lot, eh? - Yeah.
MEREDITH: I'm going to get my nails done this afternoon.
Hey, uh, five more minutes and then we're going to go, okay? EMILY: Okay! - Oh, which one's yours? - Oh she's a step parent, so.
- (GASPS) - (NERVOUS CHUCKLING) Actually, I-I prefer the term bonus parent.
- (SCOFFING) - Yeah, that's, uh, that's not a thing.
LOUISE: Yeah, well it should be.
I mean, when I say stepmother, what comes to mind? - Uh, evil.
- Mm, cruelty.
- Excessive chores.
- Uh, early death.
- Brought on by excessive chores.
- (IN UNISON) Yes.
Thank you every Disney movie ever.
- You're way too sensitive.
- LOUISE: If you didn't know me at all and I came up and said, "Hi, my name's Louise," what's your first impression? Nice woman, needs a bang trim.
- Definitely.
- Okay, now if I say, "Hi, my name's Louise, I'm a stepmother".
- What's your impression? - Not nice woman! - Uh, possibly a witch.
- Who needs a bang trim.
Yes, definitely.
I am just a person in the world trying to do my best.
I mean, stepfathers don't get this crap.
CAROLYNE: Well, I mean, if stepfathers were evil though Disney would have made a movie to warn us about it.
- So, I think that's pretty safe.
- Yeah, my stepdad, he was really nice.
Mine bought us a dune buggy.
- No, he didn't! - Oh, that's a good stepdad.
Yes, he did.
- He did, he's amazing.
- So nice.
LOUISE: Well first off, I am not evil.
Secondly, I am just a parental third wheel trying to do my best to have a healthy relationship with a kid that I love but I'm not biologically related to.
I'm sorry, I just spaced out there for a second because I was thinking of all the times that you offered me an apple.
Oh my gosh, I should be dead right now.
Do you honestly think I have a bowl of poisoned apples sitting around my house? Well honey, I don't know, maybe.
Because there is a woodsman that is always hanging out around her place.
- What? - That's true.
The bearded guy.
- He's wearing plaid.
- Sweet Cheeses.
He's like, "Oh, I love wood".
- Yeah.
- No! LOUISE: That is my brother, he is a hipster, not a woodsman.
Then why is he always carrying an axe? LOUISE: Because he's in an axe throwing league.
The point is, the term stepmother carries way too much baggage, which is why I just, I really prefer the term bonus parent.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, no one's going to call you that.
- Sorry.
- Okay, you know what? Fine.
Hey Emily, come on, we're going.
But you said five more minutes.
- Now! - (EVIL CHORDS) Oh, uh, was that evil? - It kind of was.
- Yeah.
Oh, honey, hi.
If she ever offers you an apple, you just say no, okay.
- Okay.
- Has she ever locked you in a tower, made you grow your hair long, so she can climb up it? - No.
- No? Are you sure? If so, you just call me.
Boop, boop, boop, boop.
Call me, okay.
LOUISE: We're gonna go home.
I'm going to buy you an ice cream.
I'll buy you five ice creams.
Come on, come on.
- Someone's over compensating.
- Bye, call me for a playdate later.
We're not gonna tell your dad about this one, okay, - Just remember who the real moms are.
- Yeah.
I don't even have a kid.
I just like standing in a row with you guys.
I think she's gone.
Oh boy.
(SIGHS) Okay.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Wah? See that? - No.
Sorry, what What are you doing? Oh, well I was just gonna, you know, do the thing where I close her eyes with my hand.
Oh, you mean like that-that swoopy thing down her eyes, - so that her eyes froze her face.
- Yeah, yeah like in the movies.
Yeah, um, I just kind of really wanted to do that.
I wanted to be the one.
If you don't mind.
Um, but I have literally dreamed of closing someone's eyes since I was a little girl.
I hear ya, yeah.
It's just like, the whole point of me like, flying in from Vancouver was, you know, kind of to do the swoopy eye thing on Anna.
Right, I get it.
I get it.
It's just, um - Um, Sarah - Yeah? (SIGHS) So a month ago, I was I was in a really tough spot.
Mark and I had just separated and I just, I didn't know what I was gonna do.
And then, Anna told me that she didn't have very long.
And she told me not to worry, you know, not about money or housing or debt or any of it because, because she was dying, you know.
And, and then she told me that after she died, (SIGHS) she was going to leave me her eyes open so that I could close them Okay that's bullshit, yeah that's bullshit.
- No it's true.
- Yeah, okay.
You know what? - No I'm just gonna - Back off.
- I'm just gonna - Oh.
AURORA: Oh wow, great now her mouth is open.
- Good job.
- Well, okay, well you know what? This might be a blessing actually because then I can do the swoopy thing on her eyes and you can do that thing where you close her mouth.
What thing? Closing mouth is not a thing.
- No it is.
- It's just the eyes.
No it is a thing.
It's in the movies too.
AURORA: What movies? It's not in any movies.
- It's in Platoon.
- Platoon? SARAH: Remember Charlie Sheen, he's walking along the beach and he's clicking all the soldiers mouths shut, like - AURORA: Gross! - (CLICKING) - AURORA: No.
- (CLICKING) You do the mouth, I'll do the eyes, it's fair.
Anna has the big juicy ones, look at them.
AURORA: I know, look at them.
They're so good.
SARAH: I mean, maybe there's like a rock - scissors, wah! - Oh! (MACHINE BEEPING) What are you guys? (FLATLINE DRONING) - Anna? - Anna? Oh, no, no, no no.
You don't die, no no, do not die like this.
- AURORA: Come on, come on, come on.
- SARAH: Open your eyes.
AURORA: Don't be so selfish Anna, you don't do this to us! - SARAH: Open them.
- Ugh! (OMINOUS MUSIC) WOMAN: You women chasing that swoopy eye thing? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's my white whale.
Married four old dudes chasing it, never landed it yet.
Never gets any easier.
See you got an open mouth though.
- Told you.
- I don't care if it was in Platoon.
- I don't want to do it.
- Oh, I'll do it.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, , oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ It's an egg, some truffles and some mushrooms.
Um, it restores my hearts to full and gives me stealth.
- (LOUD JARRING HUMMING) - It makes this, um, amazing (LOUD JARRING HUMMING) - Hiiii you two! - Hello.
Well good afternoon.
Oatmeal cookie anyone? - Yes! - Yeah.
Woohoo, yeah, I just whipped those up this morning, - take the whole thing, go for it.
- (IN UNISON) Thank you.
Wait, hold on, uh, you made these before work? Yeah I did, right before my run.
Whoa, you had a run this morning too? Yeah, I went for a little run, went I sweated, I wiped, did this, splashed my face, combed my hair, put my glasses on and then I sorted through some old receipts.
I did quick meditation.
I practiced my back hand, back hand, back hand.
You know, just practiced all my swings.
Plucked single hairs from my entire face and body and experimented with watercolours.
- Wow.
- Huh.
- Amazing.
- Thanks.
I'm a real morning person.
I'm just so curious.
What time do you get up? 3am.
- 3am? - Yeah.
What time do you go to sleep? - 3pm.
- Oh.
- There I go now.
- There we go.
- Okay, here we go.
- Okay.
Have a lovely rest of afternoon.
Fancy tucking me in? - Oh! - Yes I do.
I see.
Can I just give you JENNIFER: Yes of course.
I love the little curtain, that's adorable.
- Do you like that? Yeah, great.
JENNIFER: You're all tucked in.
You cozy, honey? Can you shut my curtain? - There you go.
- There you go.
- There you go.
- There you go.
JENNIFER: There you go.
So does she live there? Mm, who cares? - These cookies are delicious.
- They sure are.
(OMINOUS MUSIC) (SPECTATORS WHISPERING) JUDGE: Please describe to the court in detail exactly what you witnessed on the night of November 14th? Well, I roused in the night to do my mid-sleep chores, the night sewing and the night milking, and gutting rabbits in the night, when upon returning through the lea, I did spy upon Goody Hobbs.
JUDGE: Can you indicate the presence of said Goody Hobbs in this court? WITNESS: Aye, it is she.
- Oh, hello Goody.
- Hello.
Let the record show that Miss Ipswich has identified Goody Hobbs who is currently housed in the witches stocks.
In the lea, there she was sitting on a log completely alone bathed in moonlight and the cool night air.
JUDGE: And how was she occupying herself? Well, that's the queer thing, she wasn't.
She didn't appear to be engaged in any activity of any kind.
She was just sitting there.
(GASPS) JUDGE: Repugnant! GOODY: I told ye, I was just having a wee sit.
(GAVEL BANGING) - Silence you hysterical beast! - Copy that.
Perhaps communing with the devil? Perhaps.
In truth, her mind might have been wandering utterly anywhere.
She seemed to be occupied with Oh, it feels dreadfully wicked even to say it.
Free time.
JUDGE: Alone in her woman's thoughts.
Witchery! She was not night sewing or night mending or night birthing? None of those things whatsoever.
JUDGE: And how did witnessing this make you feel? I suppose it made me feel (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Envious.
(GASPING) Envy, a cardinal sin! It just seemed so nice to have a little, you know, I don't know, me time.
(GASPS) - Me time? - Me time.
GOODY: I was just sitting on a log looking at the night mist.
You know, and just letting my mind wonder, what's the mist and where'd it come from? And imagining what else it looked like and then I started thinking about my stomach and how I was getting a bit peckish.
Maybe I should eat some food later and You wicked demon straight from hell! - Yes! Yes! - (GASPING) (GAVEL BANGING) Would you She-Devils please stop interrupting the men's hubbub! Yes.
(SUSPENSEFUL VIOLIN CHORD) For admitting to the cardinal sin of envy, I hereby sentence Mary Ipswich to also be held in the stocks! - (GASPING) - (GAVEL BANGING) No, Mary! No, please sir, no, no! - Here comes Mary.
- MARY: (SOBBING) I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to feel it.
No, no.
(TENSE MUSIC) Oh I am so sorry, Goody.
Oh no need to apologize Mary, this is the most down time I've had since I was a wee babe.
I'm almost relaxed.
One can't even knit in these things.
No, you just get to sit and have a bit of a think and a stare.
You-you can't do anything? You, know what, I'm envious, I'll go in the stock.
No I, I as well! I as well! - No no, I said it first.
- (EXCITED CLAMOURING) - MEREDITH: I am so envious! - Get away girls.
Get-get away from me! - (EXCITED CLAMOURING) - I'll see you in hell I suppose.
- Well at least it's heated there.
- MARY: Oh, nice and cozy.
- GOODY: Nice and cozy.
- Ahhhh.

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