Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e04 Episode Script

I've Got a Date with a Gnome and He Is Hawt!

1 (RHYTHMIC RAP MUSIC) (SIGHS) Seriously? No, honestly this is the worst.
Like can't people just listen to their music with their headphones on? And this is a public space.
We should be able to sit here in peace and quiet going to our shit jobs without having to listen to everybody else's nonsense.
Yeah, you know what, you're right.
I'm going to say something.
No, no no no don't.
I don't want to cause a scene.
No no, just watch.
- Hey, excuse me, hi.
- Yeah? I'm sorry, I just had to come over here and tell you how much I looove your music.
It's like, so super way cool, like very on fleek, makes me want to dab, you know, dab.
- Ugh, God.
- (HUFFS) (MUMBLES) Wow, that was like embarrassingly brilliant.
Thank you very much.
My daughter says I can ruin literally anything.
- You really can.
- It's a gift.
No honestly, you did that move and I just wanted to like jump out the window, thank you.
Yeah no problem.
I can floss if you like.
Ugh, it's a public space.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, ♪ Rolling in the party we'll start the fun ♪ Get fancy ♪ Hey Hey ♪ There's no clouds its just the sun ♪ Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah ♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪ (EERIE MUSIC) (CHANTING) We for joy to act as one with earth and fire that lights the sun, never act no deed til deed is done with earth and fire Sorry, I've got to cut you guys short.
I was in the zone.
I have got a date by the creek with a gnome and he is taall, he is so tall, he's so hot.
Oh finally.
Yay! As you know, the King is christening the baby princess tomorrow.
Oh, that means a party and I'm going to have my wine.
Oh my God, I'm bringing my gnome.
- I'm bringing my gnome.
- You're bringing your gnome ♪ We're not invited.
- What? - What? What the eff? We made the dude King and now he's ghosting us.
Oh that's rich, that's real nice.
Oh this calls for a curse, I say we do the usual, just curse the baby? JENNIFER: Yes, what are we thinking? Poison spinning wheel, poisoned apple, poisoned poison? MEREDITH: I don't mean to cause a drama, I'm always causing the drama but it feels pretty gross cursing a baby.
It's just, I don't feel good about it.
CAROLYN: Me too.
I mean, it just seems weird.
I know traditionally we've always cursed, you know, the babies, the princesses but it's just not sitting right with me right now and I don't know why I want to listen to my intuition.
Yeah, actually now that you mention it, it is true that every time we curse a princess, the King just sticks her in a tower, and he rides the curse out.
MEREDITH: Exactly.
So you're saying we curse the queen! MEREDITH: Um I think what we're saying is that it might be better to, uh, focus our attention on the target, the dick who is the target, aka the King.
Plus that little baby, she's going to be running the kingdom some day, so.
MEREDITH: That's true.
Times are changing.
I remember when we were coming up there was two choices, sex worker or crone.
Oh we don't say crone anymore, you say teacher.
- Teacher.
- Teacher.
- Teacher.
- Teacher.
All I'm saying is, somebody's got to get cursed.
It is the best part of this job.
My horns are starting to hurt 'cause I'm so backed up from the not cursing and I just, I need to get a good one out.
- I just need to pfffff.
- Okay.
So maybe we like curse the King? - Yes.
- Let's do this.
Okay we curse the King.
Oh, I got it, reverse sleeping beauty.
- AURORA: Ooh, what is that? - He woke.
Ooh what is, I don't understand.
We curse him with wokeness.
You know, he's a straight white male, you'll see, it's going to be awesome.
Okay, yeah, go go go.
Go go go.
Okay, okay.
Hands of power, alright, and 1-2-3 break! MEREDITH: Great.
I got to go get to that gnome.
AURORA: Is he four apples or three? MEREDITH: He's three and a half but I call him five.
(ANGELIC SINGING) Where is he? We can't start without the King.
He's over there.
Your Highness! Get up here! Oh, um, mmm, I don't want to take up any space.
This day isn't about me.
I'm good back here, unless you need any support in any way.
Hm, that's refreshing.
- No you stay there.
- Super fun.
I'm having a great time.
Sorry if I'm talking too loud, sorry.
I'll be quiet, I'll be quiet, shh.
Just - I am starving.
- Me too.
We have an hour and a half, let's make the most of it.
Oh, I know, we're going here, this place makes their own pasta, it's incredible.
Oh I'm keto so it's a no go.
Oh, you're right, I'm so sorry, I forgot.
Ah, yo sushi, let's do sushi.
Oh, yeah but rice is a carb and I'm keto so, right.
- Of course! - Yeah.
I should-I should know that.
Um, oh I know, here, let's just grab a smoothie, you can do a smoothie.
I mean, as long as it doesn't have any like apples or bananas or oranges or grapes, or watermelon or peaches or, you know, lemons or limes or grape Veggie smoothie, can you do a veggie smoothie? Sure, um, but there's no root vegetables in keto so I can't have carrots or beets or potatoes Gabby, I've got to be straight up with you.
What? I think keto is ruining our friendship.
- What? - Yeah.
It's keto this, keto that.
Keto, keto, keto, keto, keto.
Everything is about keto, everything.
I don't talk about it that much.
Then how the fuck do I know about coconut flour? (SCOFFS) There's nothing wrong with coconut flour.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with coconut flour, it's not just the coconut flour, it's also your breath, you've got keto breath.
- My breath does not smell bad.
- Yeah, it does.
It's like mango took a dump smell.
Do you ever notice I'm doing this every time we talk? I have a fruity smell.
Yeah, yeah like a fruit salad took a bit shit all over my face.
Listen, I don't have to be doing this (GAGS), every time you tell me about your latest break up, okay.
Look, keto is really good for me.
I really like it.
It's a good diet.
It makes your pussy smell.
That is so personal and also, how would you even know what my vagina smells like in any case? We had a meeting, you wore a leather skirt, I think everybody could smell it.
- Oh my God.
- It's a diet for diabetics.
And also epileptics.
MEREDITH: And you don't have either of those things, but what you do have is ass fruit breath and keto crotch, you don't want that.
Do you want that? Ketosis is a completely natural process by which the cells in the body release Yeah but you failed science three times! You don't know how to make icing.
I know how to make icing - You know how to make icing? - Yeah.
MEREDITH: Well go ahead then, hit me, let me hear what you have.
- You take icing and you - Yeah.
See? Look, keto is a it's a diet that works for me, okay.
I feel better than I ever have.
I've gone down two sizes.
I sleep better.
I just have more energy.
But I will drop it so that you can eat anywhere you want.
- Fine? - Fine.
- Why don't we just go here? - MEREDITH: Actually, you know what? Come to think of it, I don't want to I'm on the cabbage soup diet so I Oh my God, I can only eat cabbage.
You can only eat cabbage? - Oh! - Perfect! My God! Best lunch ever.
- Let's go eat it.
Oh my God! - Go go go! MEREDITH: Don't get hit by traffic.
Okay and one more deep breath in.
Okay, that's sounding much better.
Ah, is there anything else that you were concerned about? Ah, no, no.
Well, ah, yeah, I'm Actually there is this, this one thing I'm a bit concerned about it.
It's ahhh Ugghhhhh.
Yeah, you know, I just, like I'm always, um Ahhhhh.
Okay, just take your time and just tell me what's going on.
No that's it.
Like what I just did in my face.
- Aaaahh.
- Oh, oh I see, okay.
Yeah, like it used to only happen when I read like a Tucker Carlson tweet or I heard Joe Rogan say something.
- Oh well that's perfectly normal.
- PATIENT: Yeah it's like, ugh, but I mean, I'm doing it all the time now, you know, like, actually I think the first instance was when my yoga teacher brought a DJ into class.
It was like, uugh, God.
Okay a DJ.
PATIENT: Yeah but now like my co-worker, Luke, is talking about Fortnite all the time.
It's like shut up, uuuugh.
And then, of course, any time I see a white person with dreadlocks or someone who calls their dog a "fur baby" or if I get invited to a cigar bar with a private entrance and like, and a secret password and you have to pull a bottle of wine for the door to open.
I'm like, ugh, God.
And then someone does a magic trick and you're like ugh.
Okay, I think I know what's going on here.
Normally we only see this kind of extreme eye rolling in teenagers and they do grow out of it after a while but, uh, given the current state of the world we're seeing it more and more in adults.
Um, in fact, it's at epidemic proportions now.
DOCTOR: The good news is it's not fatal.
The bad news is there's really nothing we can do for you.
Ugh! DOCTOR: Um, I would just advise you to avoid extended family dinners, Halloween parties and of course, anyone who has been to Coachella.
Oh shit I've been to Coachella.
- Ugh.
- (KNOCKING) Yes? Hi, I am so sorry to interrupt.
I just needed to tell you that your next patient is going to be late because he quote, "Got stuck babysitting his kids".
Oh I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, that one's perfectly acceptable, - you should roll your eyes at that.
- Okay.
It's parenting when it's your kids.
It's babysitting when it's other people's kids.
- Come on.
- Like what are you doing? It's like, ugh, you're a dad.
It's not like her job.
(UGHING IN UNISON) Yeah, once you start it's kind of hard to stop.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ That's always the thing you least expect - that that will happen - Yeah.
And then it happens and what do you do? - You don't bring - (MOANING) Oh hey Denise, good morning.
- Oh, are you okay? - Oh.
- Not good.
- Oh.
DENISE: Not good.
My best friends came to town last night.
It was fun, real good time.
I'm hungover as fuuuck.
Okay, well why don't you go home, - you never take a day.
- Yeah.
Oh no, no.
No, I'm going to do today.
I don't understand, in my twenties I could go out and then I'd come to work hungover all the time.
Sweetie, when you hit forty, your body's just not the same.
Your liver's just like throwing in the towel, it's not the same.
No way! Twenties, forties, it's all the same.
- Oh it's not.
- No, no, no no no no no! This 40+ hangover is not going to get the best of me.
You watch me.
- I'm going to slay it.
- You just watch me now, watch me.
Yeah! AURORA: Maybe you shouldn't move so quickly.
(GAGGING) - Oh Jesus! - Ugh, geez! (LIVELY DRUM SOLO) AURORA: These are going to cool you down.
JANICE: Okay, here comes the one on your forehead.
You ready? I think I'm going to need more.
Okay, uh (GARBLED) Janice? (GARBLED) Can you order me more fries? AURORA: How's that? You cool enough? - Just a bit more.
- Just a little bit more More, okay, more.
- DENISE: I'm thirsty.
- Oh okay, here we go.
(SPRITZING) So if you just look at this chart.
(GAGGING) Oh, did you want to continue or do you wanna? DENISE: Do you want me to continue all over this Goddamn floor? AURORA: No.
Then you just better give me a second, okay.
(LIVELY DRUM SOLO) (SNORTING) (LIVELY DRUM SOLO) AURORA: (WHISPERING) Hey sweetie, do you want me to bring you back a coffee? Yeah.
Okay, I'll, I'll just (LIVELY DRUM SOLO) Oh hey, uh I-I mean, I've had my mouth on that.
- I just, I'm just very dry.
You know, it's probably all that salt earlier.
Nancy, can you just take over there for a second, I'm just gonna have a little Take over your present, okay.
It's gonna be great.
(LIVELY DRUM MUSIC) JANICE: Can you file this? You file it! I'm so sorry, it's just the hangover.
(SIGHS) Maybe you should go home.
No, I don't want to go home.
I'm going to crush it, okay.
- Okay, so can you file this? - Fuck off with your file! I'm so sorry.
Jesus Denise, how much did you drink? I just had an aperol spritzer.
Oh that would do it.
Yeah for sure.
Remember last week I had a half pint and I almost went blind.
You almost went blind.
Oh hang on, here we go, here we go.
Man, I wish you slept here every night.
Me too.
Well, you know, I guess that could be possible.
Oh babe.
Well do you think we're, um, do you think we're ready? I mean, I am if you are.
Really? Okay, well, let's do it! - Let's do it.
- Yes! - Alright.
- Okay.
- If I'm going to keep this 12 string -You need to get rid of all these I will not live in a house where there are twice as many guitars as people.
- These are my Dave Matthews guitars.
- You don't even play.
I hate Dave Matthews.
I love, if I'm gonna finish this Dave Matthews cover band (UNINTELLIGIBLE ARGUING) Because this one is not a touchable one, - that's a lookable guitar.
- These are just props.
I mean, every day, you know, you turn on the news, it's just a fresh new batch of hell.
- Oh, yeah.
- I know it's so depressing.
- Yeah.
- Oh yeah, I just read this big article on how basically there's been this huge rise in white supremacist groups forming.
It's like basically Nazis are back.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
Um, you know what though? Like I believe that, and I mean this is just my opinion here, but I believe that Nazis are bad.
And the? And? And there is-there is no and.
Just, you know, from my point of view they're really bad, so.
But, but that's just me.
No, no, it's-it's not just you, we all think the same thing.
Well, I'm not afraid to say it anyway, but I can't speak for you, so.
JENNIFER: Well, okay, we all share the same opinion.
Okay, well, anyway this is just where I'm coming from.
Anyway, you're totally welcome to disagree, Rita.
What, me?! No no, no, it's universally known that Nazis are bad.
Well apparently not because they're on the rise, which for the record, I think is really bad.
Yes Katie, duly noted.
And it should also be noted that I was the first to say it out loud.
So, the silence has been broken.
Oh my God, everybody at this table believes that Nazis are bad, alright.
Good, good I'm-I'm-I'm glad I'm changing minds.
- Jesus, you didn't - No! No you didn't, no! - Hey, don't get mad at me.
- I'm not.
KATIE: No, don't get mad at me.
Look, I'm just taking a stand, not everyone has to take a stand.
I think it's important to take a stand here and I'm going to.
KATIE: Let's just leave it at that, okay.
I think Nazis are bad, you can think whatever you want.
- That's okay.
- No.
JENNIFER: Oh Goddamit, I hate you so much right now.
I mean, honestly Katie, I think right now, I hate you more than I hate Hitler.
Who's that? Oooh.
He's a Nazi.
He's like the Nazi.
- AURORA: Yes.
- Oh.
Well, I don't follow the Nazis like you do, so.
Ah! Would you just.
The I'm not up on my like high level Nazi officials.
It's not a passion of mine to follow that.
(EXASPERATED SIGHS) (ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (HUMMING) - Hey Abby? - Mhm? Um, do you have an elastic I can borrow? I'm just going to pop over to the gym real quick during lunch.
Oh good for you but I'm so sorry, I don't.
Oh, well what about that one right there on your wrist? - Oh, this one.
- Mhm.
Ah, you know what, I can't.
I really, I can't.
It's my only hair elastic.
Okay, but your hair isn't even up right now, so you're-you're just not using it.
This is my only hair elastic in the entire world.
What do you mean? That's ABBY: I've had the same elastic for six months.
(WHISPERING) I love you.
I love you too.
You're not serious? - ABBY: I am dead serious.
- Really? ABBY: When I go to sleep at night, take it off my wrist, take it off my hair, wherever it is, put it on bedside table, good night, good night, fall asleep, have a dream about it, wake up, look over, there it is.
Know what I do? It either goes on my wrist or in my hair and I cannot risk you losing it, okay.
I won't lose it.
I will not lose it.
ABBY: Really? On my way to work today, do you want to know what I saw? I saw three elastics.
One in a mud puddle.
One off a branch.
And one was even in dog shit.
Crying for their mamas.
Mama, mama, you left me.
That could have been yours? How can I trust you? - Tell you what.
- What? - If I lose it - Yeah.
I'll buy you another one.
In fact, you know what? I will buy you a whole package.
No! No, no, no, no, I don't want another one! I just want this one! Just use a rubber band! - A rubber band? - Yes! What are you, some kind of sadist? Do you know what this will do to my hair with my hair texture? - Just give me the elastic.
- No! Give it to me! I want your elastic! - No! It's mine! - Stop it! - Fine! - (IN UNISON) Fine! Fine, ugh.
(WHISPERING) I will never let anything happen to you.
(ABBY GASPS) (LOUD SCREAMING) Oh, I thought that was going to be way funnier than it was.
What did she do to you? Steph, help me.
Call 911.
Call 911! STEPH: 911.
(ABBY SOBBING) ABBY: There you go, sweet dreams.
This is like Romeo and Juliet or something.
(WHISPERING) I'm dead too.
(SOFT GENTLE MUSIC) BETH: This is glorious.
Shall we go back to the house? Back to the house? Yes of course friend.
We got this.
AURORA: Oh, you're such a good friend.
BETH: Okay.
- AURORA: Thank you my friend.
- Ah, here we are.
Well that was quite a climb.
Thank you so much old friend for taking me down to the water this morning.
An absolute pleasure, my friend.
I just feel blessed to have made here in time to share your, your final days.
I hope I wasn't too heavy.
Too much of a burden.
You are not a burden.
You are my best friend and I am here for you.
You are the wind beneath my wings, friend.
Beth, let's go down to the water again.
Sorry, what? Let's go to the shore again.
I did just carry you back up from the shore.
I know but I forgot to collect a special seashell for myself.
- A seashell? - Yes.
BETH: You know what friend? I will go down to the beach myself and I will choose you the most exquisite seashell.
It's not quite the same unless I pick it out myself to go with my memories.
You-you want to pick it out.
(SOBBING) I'm just a stupid dying woman.
BETH: No you're not! I'll take you down right away.
- Really? - Yes.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes.
- I love you so much.
- Oh, no I love you friend.
Ah, oh.
Got a little heavier since last time.
- The blanket, the poor blanket.
- Okay.
- Anything else you need? - AURORA: No.
No, okay.
(HEAVY BREATHING) Ooh, that's a long way down.
(PANTING) BETH: Yes, you had to choose the seashell yourself, of course.
Here we go.
Ah, ah.
Thank you my friend.
Thank you friend.
(SIGHS) Nothing can make this afternoon more perfect.
Mm, I agree.
Except maybe a frosty ginger ale.
A-a frosty Frosty ginger ale? Sip it and feel refreshed and alive.
Did you want me to go get you one? No no no, that wouldn't be fair.
I'll go with you.
(SOFT GENTLE MUSIC) Okay, here we go and up.
- AURORA: My neck.
- (GRUNTING) How much longer did you say you have to live? Just a few short months.
Months! Oh, alright.
I mean, months, how wonderful.
I thought it was just a couple of days.
A few months with you my best friend.
Ahhhh! (GRUNTING) Waaaah!
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