Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e05 Episode Script

All I'm Saying Is Her Car Has Eyelashes

Ack, there we go.
Judy, what are you thinking? All this plastic is terrible for the environment.
Ugh, I know I just I was super busy this morning and I didn't have time to make something so here I am.
Well the least you could have done is brought a fork from home.
You know, 36,000 litres of oil got dumped in the ocean just last week.
Yeah, that was us.
Ohhh, huh, how 'bout that.
Well, don't look at me, I brought a metal straw.
Your cup is plastic.
Yep, metal straws make up for everything.
- Heeeyyyy! - Oh, hey! Oh my God it's so good to see you! Good to see you.
Oh you look great.
Oh my God girl, you look fabulous.
I love this dress.
- Oh my God really? - Yeah.
Thank you.
I actually got it on the way here.
It was hanging on a rack outside the convenience store and I was like, "What the heck, "it's only 8.
" So I just went and changed in a cafe and threw my other clothes in the garbage.
Does it look okay? They didn't have a mirror.
Ah, it looks like it was made for you.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I am super jealous.
I could never do that.
I'm too tall, my arms are too long, nothing ever fits me properly.
I have to have everything altered.
Oh my God, I feel so bad for you.
- Let's walk.
- Let's walk.
Ah, what a great day.
As it turned out, her car has eyelashes.
Oh, what's this? Free stuff? Oh yeah, just clearing out the old closets.
So, ah, help yourself.
Oh I'm sure we won't be able to find anything.
Oh look at this.
Oh my gosh, this fabric is beautiful.
Oh that's just an old couch cushion cover.
Oh I don't know, what if we just did a little, uh, this.
What do you think? - Wowza! - I love it! Ooh la la la la! Listen, you keep it.
You enjoy it.
I'm glad it found you.
Old dirty couch cushion.
Oh, thank you.
Who knew? I got your I have your purse.
A dirty old cushion, amazing.
I have literally never been able to wear anything second hand.
Oh that's weird.
I've literally never felt better in an outfit.
I mean, okay, look, I bought this kerchief this morning and every way I tie it it's just, it's just look it's just awkward.
It's an awkward thing.
Oh! Oh my gosh, who knew? Oh wow! Look at this.
Thank you.
I see what you mean about the fabric.
See, this is what I'm saying.
Garbage on me, awesome on you.
It's just Oh.
Ugh, I just stepped in cat barf! - Oh my God, cat barf? - Yeah.
Hang on just a second.
No, no.
Oh my God, I literally just made a sweater out of cat barf.
Honestly, I saw something like this at the textile museum.
Are you fucking kidding me! This is so not fair! I have never ever once been able to make anything that I can wear out of animal barf! Never! Well sweetie, don't worry, we'll find the animal barf for you.
No we won't, my arms are too long! No, no, no, the dog bowl's over there, we'll find some barf or some shit or something.
No! Hold your purse.
It's hopeless! No, no, no, let's go to the dog park.
No! I hate today! No! No! I love today and I love you! Bullshit! Okay, so if you have Oh my God! What the fuck is this? Jan brought snacks.
I'm not blind Tanya, am I? Are those chocolate covered pretzels? Yeah, they have M & M's on top and then they're drizzled with a white Thiiis is a nightmaare! I'm going to be eating these the goddamn day! And then when I'm not eating them, I'm going to be thinking of eating them.
Like, when is the last time you had a chocolate covered pretzel? Is it too early for me to go back and have another fucking one?! And that is just not me Jan, that is everybody in this office, huh?! Nobody's getting work done today, holy fuuuck, Jan! - Oh hi Jon, how's it going? - Fine.
Good morning, wanna say good morning to me? - Good morning.
- That's right.
He's got a direct eyeline from there to these pretzels.
Why don't you read me the last thing you wrote Jon, go ahead, what it is? - Ah, pretzels.
- Yeah.
- Synergy.
- Yeah.
- Chocolate.
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
- That's right.
- Hi Cindy, how's it going? - Hi! How many of these have you had today Cindy? - Five! - And she's got a dog stomach.
So that's our toilet gone for today.
We might as well hang a fucking sign on the door that says, "Cindy's Office".
You just cost this company a hundred and fifty-two fucking thousand dollars.
I hope you're happy Jan! I hope you are really happy! Sh-should I throw them in the garbage? You put those in the garbage then I'm going in the garbage.
You just turned me into a garbage eater.
Why'd you do it, Jan? Why? Well I thought it'd be fun for everybody to eat them, and for me to film it 'cause I wanted to make an audition tape for a baking show.
You want to be on a baking show? Yes.
You thought it was being nice.
Do you want to see nice? I'm going to show you nice.
Everybody, can you come over here please.
Come on over! Just so these sweet and saltys, don't mess up the whole day for us, I am going to eat them all right now in front of you, 'cause I'm gonna save the company.
This my friends is how you get on the cover of Time! Oh hey, is it also too distracting that I brought like, too much homemade hummus? If you want attention, - bring me in some brownies, okay.
- Okay.
No one's eating your hummus.
Can we go back to work? No.
Honey, have you seen my Wooo, oh you smell amazing.
Oh, I thought you'd like it.
- It's called 'Dave's Farts'.
- Mmm.
Had it made specially for you.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I'll see you later.
Oh my God.
Not the intended effect.
Oh my God! Wanted to get laid, I thought I'd try something.
Oh my God! Just take my frustration to work then.
Going to be a bad day for everyone at the office! Well I hope you like your new phone, it is state of the art and loaded up with a ton of new features you're gonna love.
Great, how much do I owe you? Oh, I've already linked your payment profile to your facial recognition I.
Sorry, what?-ah, what? You've already paid with your face.
No, no, I don't-I don't want any of the face stuff.
You can just take-take that off.
I mean, I can do that but it will lessen the battery life.
Well everything shortens the battery life - so it doesn't matter.
- Fair enough, fair enough.
Oh, ah ah oh, stop touching, you don't want to get your fingerprints on the camera, and it might scramble your DNA.
(SCOFFS) Okay, there's no way it can scramble my DNA.
Oh wow, yeah don't roll your eyes, it voids the warranty.
Okay, I've thought deeply about this and I just I don't want this in my life.
You can just take that back.
Oh, careful, watch your tone.
You know what, I'm just gonna-gonna put this over here for a second.
My tone? - Don't reject the phone.
- I'm rejecting the phone.
Okay, I'm just gonna show you some other features for the phone that you love so much.
Ah, we got some great carrying cases.
Some nice protective shells.
Listen, the phone is very sensitive.
It-it imprinted on you as soon as you picked it up.
It's not a baby bird.
Shh, just keep your voice down, it can hear you.
(WHISPERING) It's not a baby bird.
Shut the fuck up.
Okay, listen, it knows everything about you.
It knows your name.
It knows your address.
It knows where you work.
It knows where you eat.
It knows your banking information.
It knows all your friends.
Everyone you've ever fucked.
Anyone you've wanted to fuck.
It knows everything.
It's probably posting for you right now.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah.
- How do I stop this? - No one can.
- Oh my God.
- Come on.
Come on.
Okay, here we go.
Yeah, there it is.
Nice to see you phone.
Say something to it.
Oh, ah, hi phone.
What the? Who's a good phone? I'm not talking like that to my phone! Okay, it can pick up on sarcasm.
Oh great, you rolled your eyes, now it's voiding the warranty.
Wha, I-I didn't even want the warranty in the first I don't want it! Oh, now it's, um, posting nude photos of you on Facebook.
I don't have any nude photos.
It just took them of you.
- What? - It has x-ray capability.
- Nice bra.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- Okay, well good luck.
- Yes, well Customer non-compliant, exit denied.
Please let me out of your store.
I'm sorry I can't do that.
Okay, wake up, wake up, wake up, this is.
- You can't.
- No, no.
May as well just surrender to it.
Anyway, do you want a nice new case for it? No, I'm a human being.
(LAUGHS) That's funny.
That's a good one.
You know what, I - Huh? - I just I just need a second, I need a mental health break.
Oh yeah, yeah of course.
You know what you should do, listen to like some nice soothing music or a soundscape or something.
Here, listen.
What is? It's quieter than what's in my head.
That's a lot of Oh.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Okay, you have a lot of things - I'll just - You can I have to have a donut or just move away.
I'll-I'll stay here.
You live in hell.
Ahhhh, hmm.
Mom? Mom, mom? I'm out here.
Oh, I got your message, are you okay? I came as fast as I could.
Ah, thank God you came.
I think you might want to sit down.
Oh God mom, you're scaring me.
- Honey.
- Yeah.
There's no easy way to tell you this, I-I lost the photos from when you were in Portugal.
What? I've looked everywhere and for the life of me I can't figure out where they are.
Mom, I thought it was important! It is important, you loved Portugal.
(HUFFS) We need to talk about tone.
Sometimes when you call me, you have a sense of panic in your voice.
Oh my God, what?! That's it right there.
It's that slightly anxious timbre that lends urgency where frankly none exists.
Well excuse me, I thought you'd care.
I do! I do! - Oh my.
- Oh no.
- Oh no.
No, no, no! - Are you okay? - Is it your heart again, Mom? - No no no no! - Mom? Mom? - No no no no! Oh.
I thought I had a lunch with Lorraine today but it's on the 17th.
I'm good.
We just talked about this.
I asked you not to do the thing and then you did the thing again.
We all know you went to drama school, you don't need to show us.
Oh, Mom, I can't tell when things are good or bad with you anymore.
Will you please stop saying "oh my God" to everything so that I can understand when something bad is actually happening.
Okay, thank you.
So, we put the dog down.
Oh my God, Mom! Well look who's hysterical now.
Oh my God, oh no, no, I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer.
Oh my God, so did I.
Oh! Oh shit, it's genetic.
Ah, you put the dog down? He was only four.
Yeah, I mean the question is, if we expose the Ford government for selling our water, I mean, what happens? I think it's all about billable hours to be honest with you.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Oh, here they are.
Nice to meet you.
Really really happy that you made the time to meet with us, Megan.
Thank you.
Yes, our firm has been looking to recruit younger lawyers and you have tremendous references and scores.
I'm extremely honoured to be interviewing for your firm.
Oh that's wonderful.
Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Okay.
I have a keen interest in constitutional law.
Oh wow, that must mean a lot of photocopying.
Yeah for sure, loads of it.
Yeah, shhhrrr.
Yeah, shhrrr.
The light goes on, yeah.
But, uh, what I find fascinating about constitutional law So does that mean that you know how to use the double side function on the photocopier, that's something you could do? Um, yes.
Tell us a little bit about your litigation skills, Megan.
Oh yes.
I find the key is to really organize your thoughts before you go in so you don't get thrown off when you're in there.
So if you were to go into court, would you maybe use an Excel spreadsheet to organize your thoughts? Yeah, maybe.
Yeah? So you know how to use Excel? Yes, I do.
You do? Wow.
So that means you know how to do the columns with the little, tiny boxes? Yes.
Talk to me about Snap.
Oh, chat.
Pap smear.
No, it's snap chat.
Is it like a pap smear? Ah, no.
- What about Microsoft Word? - Yeah, that's Can you make it bigger? Do you mean the font bigger? Ah yeah, you just use the track pad.
The-the track pad.
Ah, the small mouse that's built into your laptop.
She's very good.
This is why we need young blood at the firm.
Well, she's hired.
Yeah, you're hired! You're hired! - Welcome aboard.
- Wow.
You're part of the firm now.
Do you want to see my resume? You know what, sure do, after you brighten this screen on my cellphone.
- I can't see that.
- I can.
I'm looking at the night sky there, no stars.
I had to get a flashlight from the From the cupboard and turn it on and We need you to make everything bigger and brighter.
- Bigger and brighter.
- Yes.
I come from the days when you used to be able to flush a tampon down the toilet.
You can't do that anymore.
I prefer a diva cup.
Hm? Hey hey hey, everyone gather around, quit checking around, quit checking around.
Everyone, okay.
I want you to know you did a really good job on the floor yesterday.
- Woo! - Thank you Hey, hey, ho, ho! We're a busy bee and we're going to be a bee.
And we're going to make a money and go go go! Alright, good stuff guys.
Okay, um, can I just say something right now.
Um, pfft, I'm sorry I can't believe I actually have to say this out loud, but is somebody stealing my breast milk from the fridge? Yeah, that was me.
That's not stealing.
Really? Yeah, 'cause your name wasn't on it, so My name wasn't on it, so you drank the breast milk? Yeah, I drank it all up 'cause you didn't have a name on it, - and 'cause that's the rules.
- You gotta do that.
Yeah, I didn't think I had to put my name on it - considering it's breast milk.
- Yeah, she doesn't need to.
Well how am I supposed to know what it is? If you don't label it with a big word, all caps, "breast milk" then how am I supposed to know what it is? I'm not a genius, I'm not Colonel Sanders.
It is a baby bottle, what did you think it was? I don't know Kristie, why don't you just tone it down a little bit.
Also, strike two because you have left it in the fridge over three days, that means that sweet titty bo jangle milk was up for grabs.
- Thank you very much.
- It's a good point.
No, you fucking nit, it wasn't in the fridge for three days, I have been pumping it and replacing it every day, that's how breast milk works.
Jesus Christ, how am I supposed to know that? I'm not like hiding under your desk, peeking when you get your little nipples out, squeezing away or whatever you do to pump.
I'm not some kind of milk pervert.
You've got to label your food.
And then you can't leave it in the fridge for over three days.
Them's the rules.
Follow the rules everybody and your food or your titty milk won't get drunk.
Okay, come on, why would you ever drink breast milk? Firstly, I will drink it because it's good for you.
Secondly, I drink it because it is Goddamn delicious.
Thirdly, I drink it because look at my skin, I'm Goddamn glowing.
And fourthly, I drink it 'cause it's completely cleared up my allergies.
I used to look at a piece of salmon, I'd be, huuuugh, all over, shartin' myself to sleep.
Now, I go over to Wanda's desk, I see a can of tuna, say what's that? You know what, eat it, it's great, no problem.
Thank you, Wanda.
What tuna? The tuna on your desk.
You've been eating the cans of tuna on my desk? - Yes.
- That's cat food.
Fine, put your cat's name on it.
- I don't care.
- She's diabetic.
- You are the literal worst.
- Well then get her another can.
Okay, enough of this.
I've got to go make some sales.
But before anybody goes, does anybody know anybody named Pine? First name Pine, last name Sol.
I'm lookin' for Pine Sol.
Anybody know a Pine Sol? Because this person, he or she, has left a very good-looking bottle of iced tea in the cleaning cupboard.
It's been there for two days, clock's a ticking, I feel like it's up for grabs.
Actually Jemma, I've been thinking about it, you're right, you should just go ahead and drink that.
Thank you Kristie.
I'm glad we finally agree on something.
Thank you very much.
I left a chocolate bar floating in the toilet, if you want that.
I'll be straight into that.
- Thank you very much, Wanda.
- No problem.
Okay, great sales today.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, make some sales today.
No, I really did leave a chocolate bar in the toilet, it was a weird choice.
Is she part of like a hiring program or something? - Yeah.
- Oh.
What? Alright, this way guys.
Thanks so much.
Great work team, you're doing great.
- Thank you.
- Hey! Hey, hey, how's it going? Good, how's your, uh, house holding up after the flood last week? 'Cause our basement, it's-it's totalled.
We took a real beating, a real beating.
But, ah, we've been retrofitting the place and I think we'll be good for the next one, you know.
- Well good.
- Yeah.
Hey, ah, how's it going up there babe? Looking good! Right on.
Just a few more rivets and ah, the place will be good to go.
Look at that.
Nice work.
Yeah, we're just fixing a giant sail to the top of our house.
Hoping for the best.
No I know, it's a real crap shoot.
I mean, we've gathered a couple of cats from the neighbourhood, taking, uh, two of every breed, so.
- Oh good.
- Should be good.
Cats okay? Climate change, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's not so bad.
- Ah, we'll be fine.
- Yeah.
I don't know if everyone will be but, uh Anyway, I'd better get back to the ark, but um, I may be getting in touch, we may need you to help, um, repopulate the new earth.
Okay sure.
No really, we have a room for you on there.
I'm serious.
Looking good! Hey, sorry I'm late.
Oh that's alright.
Oh God, you know when you go to the gym.
- Even uh - No.
- Oh.
- No.
The doctor was here this morning, she's really quite ill.
He said she's not long for this world.
I've asked Jane to be here with us to record her final moments.
Thank you for being here sweet Jane, you're the best.
Emily, my dear sister, is there anything you need? I must go in.
The fog is rising.
Wow, that was deep.
Mhm, so moving.
Did you get that Jane? I must go in, the fog is rising.
Got it.
So poetic even in her final moments.
Right guys? I'm not convinced she's actually dead, it just seems like there's a lot of - Yeah, I can see her breathing.
- Yes.
In fact, it's possible, that she might be breathing even better than she was before.
Yeah, she's glowing.
Emily, can you hear me? Hello? Okay, she coughed.
Emily, it's clear that you're not dead right now.
Maybe she's sleeping? No, she just yawned.
Nobody yawns in their sleep.
Come on Emily, open your eyes.
- Come on.
- Emily, Emily! The jig is up, come on.
Come on.
Oh my God! Goddamn it! Can't you just let me die peacefully? What did you guys do? What'd you do? What'd you do? You went and hired a stenographer! Look at her! Do you want to know what it does to me? It puts a lot of pressure on me! Yeah, I wrote some books.
Yeah, I wrote some poems.
Yeah, I'm famous.
Get off my dick! "Yeah, I'm famous.
Get off my dick.
" What are you doing? - I'm- - What the eff? - I'm writing your last - Don't you dare! I must go in, the fog is rising.
Oh no.
Don't you throw away that key.
Do not throw the key.
Do not throw away that key, Emily.
If you throw away, oh.
Great, now I have to look for it, Emily! Go get it.
I can wait all night.
Ah! Still hanging in there, hey? Yes.
Oh, I must go in, the fog is rising.
It's happening, she's dying.
No no, I must, uh, go in, the fog is rising.
Go down into the ground because you're dying and we're going to bury you.
I must go in, the fog is - She's leaping up to heaven.
- Psss, psss.
- Rising.
- Oh! - Get the thing, get the thing.
- Rising! It's rising! - Okay, yeah.
- Oh, it's rising! Okay, okay, okay, there you go.
Oh, I must go in the fog is riiiising.
Oh goodness.
Yeah, I'll take that.
- Oh! - Oh.
I must go in.
The fog is rising.
Phew! Oh dear.
- Must go in, fog is rising.
- Yep.
It's your turn, I did it last time.
You have a very strong stream.
Just go right in.
The fog will rise right up and just choke you.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode