Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e07 Episode Script

Pénis Misérable

1 Oh, this tree means something to you too? Ah, no, no I just, I just saw you here and I thought it looked like a good idea.
Beautiful tree.
Maybe if we, uh, spread it together it will be like they're doing it.
This is my husband.
Oh yeah, okay, that doesn't make sense, this is my cat, so.
Big cat.
He's a really big cat.
Really big cat.
Like a really big cat.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, you know earlier when you told me my skin looked really good.
What did you mean? I meant like, like your skin looks good.
Okay, but did you mean like, I have actually really bad skin normally but today for me it's okay? I feel like I just meant like it looked good.
Okay great, thank you.
You're welcome.
- Hey.
- What? Um, you know when you said that we should hang out some time, did you mean that we should hang out some time or was it more like, I'm just saying this and I don't want to offend my co-worker because I didn't invite her to my birthday party, but I actually would never consider actually hanging out with you? I feel like I really want to hang out with you like I like you and I know that the office doesn't allow relationships between co-workers so I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh wouldn't it be great to hang out with you "outside of the office".
- Okay great.
- Okay.
- Thank you for that, sorry.
- It's fine.
When you say like I mean love, like I like love so bad.
Love love or like I love going for walks? - Like I'm attracted to you.
- Right.
Like my heart feels seen and whole when you're around.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Um, so when you say attracted- I want to fuck you.
- Okay, thank you.
As you were.
- Yeah.
Hey, so when you said "as you were" did you mean like, hey I'm shutting this conversation down with this weirdo who just screamed "I want to fuck you" in front of the whole office? And I'm seriously considering filing a sexual harassment claim? Or are you like, "as you were", like, yeah, I'm into that.
I'm into her leather pants? The first one, it was the first one.
You're gonna file something.
So I shouldn't have screamed? I mean, when you say shouldn't, do you mean I regret doing that a little bit but hey sera sera? Or like I feel like if you don't want to fuck me back, I feel like I regret that and if you're telling our boss feel like I made you feel uncomfortable in any way.
I just want to circle back to when you said uncomfortable.
Okay, yeah.
Do you mean like deeply disturbed? Or Probably.
Like my pants are a little bit tight but I can deal with it? Oh I wouldn't say it's about my pants being tight.
I'd say it's more like I'm dying inside.
- Okay, great.
- Yeah.
I'm just going to put all of that in an email.
Overall, Billy is a very sweet little boy.
- Yeah.
- That's great to hear.
Of course.
Before you go though I-I-I would like to show you one thing.
I asked the class to draw a family portrait and I'd like to show you what Billy drew.
All right.
Oh my God.
Do you have any idea why he would depict you both like this? Aaahh You know what, I'm going to Google it.
I'm going to message my sister about her psychologist friend.
Okay, I'm on a message board right now.
She's giving us a referral.
Okay, thank you so much for all this information about my son's inner life and I'm so glad to connect with you about this.
Thank you, thank you Ms.
- Ocean.
- Oh, Ocean.
- Watch the chair, yeah.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Our future is so fucked.
Yeah so as you can see I took Marie Kondo's advice and tidied up my life.
And now, now I'm just surrounded by objects that spark the purest joy in me.
Um, I feel like I need to reiterate to you that I, um, like I only like you as a friend.
Oh, oh yeah, yeah that's cool, that's cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, it's cool.
So much joy, so much joy.
And ultimately I suppose that despite or even because of those challenges it became the most rewarding experience of my professional career.
Well thank you so much for premiering your movie, Northern Quest with us here tonight.
We're going to open this up to some questions.
Someone will be coming around with a mic.
Please limit yourself to one question only.
- Whoa.
- Oh.
Hi, I'm Darlene, I'm your film fest moderator.
That's actually not necessary.
I fear it is.
You're gonna thank me later.
A few rules concerning mic etiquette.
Do not touch the mic.
The mic is mine.
I repeat the mic is mine.
Please, let me do my job.
Nobody's stopping you.
Oh I think we have a question right here Ba, ba, ba, bop! I'm on it Terry.
Hep! Oh, oh.
Ah, hi, ah, loved the film.
Um, any chance of a sequel? Well it is early days but there is a spec script.
So ah Oh and are you going to bring back the Hohp, is the mic on you? No.
So you can't speak.
Those are the rules.
- What's your name? - Janet.
You got it all wrong.
You need to sit down.
Hep, let's go.
Ah, we've got some Boys, move your legs, move your legs and go.
Don't touch the mic, don't touch the mic.
Can you speak into the mic, don't touch the mic.
Don't touch the mic.
What's your name? My name's Linda.
Linda, please don't touch the mic.
Where did you get that super cute dog at the beginning of the film? And, why No, that's a two part question.
Moving on.
Hep! It's a funny story actually, it was the Hey, hey, hey, I am the one with the mic.
Don't touch it, don't look at it, don't even think about it.
And don't try and trick me 'cause it won't end well.
Do you understand me? Bonnie, you know what I'm talking about.
Darlene, I promise you no one is trying to trick you.
I have a question.
Do you want me to just pass the mic? What did I just say? I said no touching the mic.
What did you just say? You want to touch my mic? What's your name? - It's Brian.
- Brian, you're done.
You've embarrassed yourself, now please go.
I have a question with two parts.
Nope! Jesus, Brian! Just let her ask a question! Okay, we asking questions in two parts now, is that how it's going to go? One, how important is your question? Two, how important are your nuts? I would say very important to both of those.
Do you like your dick where it is, Brian? That's a third question.
Yeah you better run! You better run, Brian! - Darlene! - What? That's enough, give me the mic.
That was Brian's fault.
He was saying about his dick and everything.
That's what he was doing, Bonnie.
You've lost your mic privileges, give me the mic.
Oh my God, please don't take my mic.
I'll take care of your cat, whatever you want.
No no no, please, please don't take my mic.
Don't take my, you all want to take my mic but you can't have my mic because it's my mic! Good luck with your goddamn Q&A! Your hair is shit! Okay, I can take a few questions.
- Fantastic.
- That's quite all right.
Hi, less of a question and more of a comment.
Your movie was really bad.
Okay, I made a short film that was way better than this.
Ah, I guess my question is, where do you get off? - Ahhh - Are you casting your next film? No.
Can I go home? Could we, um, could we get her back? Darlene! Yo, yo, yo, yo and yo, I never left, you know why? 'Cause I live in the cloak room and that's why I can bring all my mics to work.
I am looking for a roommate.
Brian, I saw you eyeing me so Fuck you! Any more questions? That's right, I'm coming for you.
Here we go! Hep! Just wanted to know like when you were gonna stop talking? Oh never.
Oh, thank you, you're a lifesaver.
You're welcome.
Isn't it just a gorgeous day out there? God, it is so sunny.
On the way to work, I was thinking, "Why don't I bike to work?" That is such a good idea.
Cuts down on traffic.
It's good for the environment.
This city is full of beautiful bike paths.
Guys, why aren't we biking to work? I just don't even ever think of it.
I know.
Ah, ooh, ah, ah, mmm.
(BREATHLESS) I am so sorry.
My So sorry.
I biked to work.
Oh right, that's why.
So maybe, freshen up a bit.
- Take a second, wow.
- Yeah yeah.
You might want to take off your jacket and then burn it.
There's something up your Burn your clothes, yeah.
Okay, the spirits are, they're showing me a man - and he's tall.
- Mhm.
He has dark hair and, uh, like his chin is very weak.
Oh my God.
He's not a strong.
And they're showing me like a letter 'K' for his name, or something like Kyle.
I can't believe that's-that's my boyfriend.
That's my boyfriend.
- That is your boyfriend.
- That's my boyfriend.
Okay, well you need to break up with him.
What? - What? Why? - Because he is never going to start that band he keeps talking about.
Yes, he's always talking, yes.
He's needy.
- He's ah, he's controlling.
- A little bit.
And he his mouth, he chews with his mouth open.
Oh my gosh that is so Kyle.
Are you Yeah, that's him.
Are you kidding me? Yeah, well If you don't end this relationship, you will end up friendless and alone.
And also, they show me something, um, like it's like a desert.
Something about a desert, like there is a sand situation like a Oh my God, yes, it's Burning Man Festival.
I had an incredible time.
It was a turning point in my life.
I had started so many new relationships Okay, no.
They say you need to let it go, dude, no one cares.
They showed it to me.
I'm sorry.
And no more desert talk.
No, I won't.
That's going to be harder than the breakup.
- Yeah.
- But thank you.
Kyle is going to be devastated.
I know.
- You go in peace.
- Call you later.
- Wow, that was amazing.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm going to bring her back next week and, uh, here's forty dollars, I'm going to need you to get her to stop talking about CrossFit.
Okay, no problem.
But anything fitness related is extra, so.
You're the professional, I trust you.
- Yeah.
- Tell the spirits I say hi.
- Yeah.
- Woo, okay.
Ah, you're legal now.
No, honestly, I haven't seen that movie in like thirty years.
It was like It makes me want to dye my bush red.
I love Molly so much.
I mean, the film has some issues that are like No! I enjoyed it.
You know what, let's get out of here.
- What? - Um Yeah.
- Hi! - Hey, hi.
We're gonna just - Hi! - Hey, hi.
Who's, uh, your new friend? Ah, (STAMMERING) Kirsten, these are my, uh, friends from my queer theory reading group.
- Hello.
- Oh, hi! I didn't know you were in a gay book club.
Oh it's, um, it's a queer theory (IN UNISON) It's a queer theory read group.
Yeah, it's a thing.
Ah, well what brings you around the park? Oh we meet up every Thursday for our queer walk.
- Oh.
- The queer walk.
Yeah this week we're discussing Sarah Ahmed's theorization of the feminist killjoy, so.
Boring! It-it's actually quite interesting.
- Is it? - Yeah.
What about you? Oh we were just catching a retro movie night down in the park in the Dog Bowl.
Oh, what did you see? What? Na? Hm? What did you see? Ah, gosh, I can't even remember, I forget.
Was it "When Night is Falling" or "High Art"? Or "Forbidden Love the Unashamed Stories of Lesbian Lives"? It might have been that.
I think we saw that.
- It wasn't that.
- No? Sixteen Candles, baby! Ah yeah.
Yeah, racist date rape movie from the 1980s.
It is a problematic film.
- Highly problematic.
- It's highly problematic.
Well, I'll tell you what was highly problematic, everyone forgetting Sam's sixteen frickin' birthday.
Yeah, we, um, we watched the film through the, um, critical lens of Molly Ringwald's article in the New Yorker.
And she made some really salient points about both its progressive and problematic nature.
Absolutely and it's so timely that she wrote that right now.
It's a great article.
It's a really important read.
- It's super important.
- Certainly now.
But if you look at the movie through an intersectional lens, - It seems like - Oh, yes! Like when Jake Ryan is at the intersection of Sam's sister's wedding, just leaning on the car.
Gung, gung, cross.
- No, um, sorry, sorry.
- Intersection.
Intersectionality is a.
(IN UNISON) feminist theoretical model that, uh, looks at the interconnectedness of race, class, ability, sexual orientation and gender in relation to social and political oppressions.
I knew that.
Of course you did.
Everybody knows it.
It's Crenshaw.
Anyway, we'll be at the queer film fest next week though.
Oh, see you there.
No, we're seeing, um, Back to the Future, remember babe? Oh right, yeah you wanted Yeah, yeah we're going to see Back to the Future.
Actually, I think this movie might unshackle us from the normative constraints of linear time and help us embrace the queer temporality that touches time through time.
- Hot.
- Wow.
Smoking hot theory, right.
Wow, that's amazing, good point.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, ow! You mumbled that in your sleep the other night and I popped it up here in the old noodle factory, wrote it on my hand and saved it for a moment just like this.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
So much forward thought.
She writes things down when I say them.
- She's the best.
- Toot, toot! All right, bye.
- Bye bye.
- Okay.
She has a type.
Oh yeah, that is a type.
Hey babe.
Mhm? Do you think things are getting a bit stale? Sorry, what did you say? I just, I don't know, I just feel like I don't know, I just feel you're not as into it as you used to be.
Is that, is that fair? I really don't know what to say to that? No, I'm not, ugh, I don't want to I'm not trying to have-have a fight about this.
I just think maybe it would be fun to kind of, you know, spice things up a bit.
Maybe you could talk dirty to me, right.
- Oh.
- You know, like you speak francais.
Maybe you could say some French, might be kind of hot.
Oh, oh, oh, so if I talk French that would make it less stale for you? Oh oui, oui, oui, wah, wah, wah.
Okay, whatever that is.
So what was that part? What's that part? Pants off, pants off, pants off? Okay.
Oh okay, um, I don't know what you said a second ago but it was something about mis-miserable penis and Kris de cross, but what is that? A fart fabric? Can we just can we switch to English for a second? English for a second.
What? Kris de CrossFit? Ah, ah, ah! Whoa.
Shh, shh, shh, no, ah.
Ahhh! Ah! Oh you're still going.
- Holy shit.
- Ah, ah, (PANTING).
There you go.
Ah, oui.
Ce vas mal.
Could you brush your teeth please.
I just find that I actually don't need to smoke during the day because if I just like keep it every night it's kind of situational - Guys, come on.
- Yes? - What? - What? The three of you together put in seventy dollars and the bill's five hundred, which means I'm paying 430 dollars for a salad.
That's expensive lettuce.
- Okay, wow.
- Yeah, I'll say.
No, you guys do this to me all the time.
I'm not having it again.
Who ordered the rosé? Ah, Ariana did.
What? No, I did not order the rosé.
What are you talking about? You know what, I'm I'm just gonna have a salad because I'm frugal and restrained.
Ariana, what are you going to have? Ah, spring is coming and my ovaries are pumping out good feelings, ladies let's go wild and order rosé for the table on me! Oh, I-I don't think I would talk that way and I hate rosé and it was also Whitney, so.
- What?! - Yes.
Are you kidding me? You ordered the rosé.
I'm pretty sure.
Well, I am doing keto so I'll just have a side of broccolini.
What about you Whitney? Oh, you're going to die lonely and alone if you keep starving yourself girl.
Suck the marrow out of life.
Let's have the rosé.
You think I'm the kind of person who is going to paint myself in a different light in the past, so that I can look better in hindsight? And just gloss over all my faults.
You are completely wrong.
Obviously it was Kristina.
- Oh my, no! It wasn't! - It was! Why would you say that?! Because I saw what I saw! No! Carpe diem, bitches! Carpe diem! No, no, don't drink! - What?! - How do you think I got all wet? - Are you insane? - It's plausible.
Obviously somebody ordered the rosé.
It really cannot be me.
Look, your lipstick is all over your glass.
Waiter, bring us your finest wines! We're out of Bordeaux.
Just give me that awful rosé.
They're so drunk they don't know what they're drinking.
Well thank you so much ladies.
Get the fuck out, go! What the? I guess you shouldn't have put all that shitty rosé on their bill.
I didn't order them any rosé.
Actually, I'm pretty sure you
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