Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e08 Episode Script

Don't Call Me Lady

1 Oh my god guys, I just feel like this next year is going to be the best year ever.
Yes, don't get me started on my 2021 bucket list, don't get me started.
You know what's first on my bucket list? - Buy a bucket! - Oooh! I don't own a bucket! (CHEERING AND HORN TOOTING) Hey guys, new year, new me 'cause I'm going to live forever! Woo! (CHEERING) Oh my god, everybody, look at the clock it's almost midnight! Look, look up! (IN UNISON) 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 (BANGING) - What are you guys doing? - Yes.
That's the doomsday clock.
The doomsday clock.
- (SIREN WAILING) - It's the fucking doomsday clock! Put on your hazmat suits and get in the safe room you fools! Okay, thanks! Okay, we're coming, everybody go.
- Get in your suits.
- Go get your hot suits on.
They look exactly the same.
WOMAN: Exactly the same.
- We're coming! - We're coming! Oh my god, mom relax! Finish your drink, finish your drink.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch, ♪ Rolling in the party we'll start the fun ♪ Get fancy ♪ Hey Hey ♪ There's no clouds its just the sun ♪ Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah ♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪ (IN UNISON) Oooh! Oh it looks adorable.
Thank you so much you guys.
I've never been here before.
- What? - Never.
Well, welcome to the Dandrin and, uh Good morning to all of you.
So it is an all-you-can-eat buffet for 12.
49- Okay, you know what, we're going to take it from here, We're good.
I got this, it's fine, as you were, go on.
- Thank you.
Of course.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye.
Okay, newbs, I need you to listen up because we need a goddamn plan.
(OKAY, A) why do we need a plan? (AND B) why are here at 10am? Oh my god, what is this? Amateur hour? Unless you're rolling in shrimp rings or you've never heard of lunch rush, then you better shut up and you pay attention.
Okay, I'm the fork.
Doris, you're the spoon.
Roast beef, that is at the end of the hall.
Now, you see a fresh spring roll come out, I want to hear your best bird call.
- Heather? - (HIGH-PITCHED BIRD CALL) Not bad.
- (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) - Mine, mine.
- What is that? - It's a seagull.
It's fine.
Sharon, what do you got? SHARON: Hoo! Oh, that's fucking shit, let's go ladies! (TENSE DRAMATIC MUSIC) Hey, don't let the old ones fool you, they act all meek and like "I'm so frail".
But when it comes to the chow mein, they are going to punch you right in the box.
Doris will punch me in the vagina? Probably.
Cover me.
Oooh, what's up? I'm just preparing for an all-you-can-eat war.
That sounds intense.
Well it's 12.
49 for all the snow crab legs you can eat.
Shouldn't you use tongs? Tongs are for losers! That was sharp.
You know what? I could use this as a weapon.
(TENSE DRAMATIC MUSIC) Heather look out! Oh my god, so hot, ah! You're wrecking this for everyone.
I have had eight lobster tails, 21 crab legs and four shrimp rings.
Ask me if I give a fuck.
This is my retirement party.
Yeah and you're at the goddamn Dandrin, Doris.
Now you get busy eatin' or you get busy retiring! That's not the same.
Well it should be! Spring rolls! You're slowing me down.
Oh my god this pan is so fucking hot! Burning my hands! It's worth it! - (SQUISHING) - (DRAMATIC CRESCENDO) Can you eat all that? Who said anything about eatin'? (DRAMATIC BEAT) Ma'am, excuse me What?! I wore this in, okay, I wore it in, it's mine.
My god, she is so annoying.
(PHONE CHIMING) - Oh shit.
- What? - (TENSE DRAMATIC MUSIC) - Okay, this is lunch rush! This is lunch rush! We've got to move.
We should have been out of here twenty minutes ago.
Doris, this is on you and your gammy shitty knee! You, counter attack.
You, get your ass up, frontal assault.
Sharon, position yourself east! Why are you just sitting there? Let's go everybody, go, go, go! (WHISPERING) Is she alright? No, she's not alright.
Oh Jesus Pamela.
Okay, you need to chill out.
Happy retirement Doris.
DORIS: Thank you.
I'll see you cats back at the office.
Cover me.
(CRESCENDOING DRAMATIC MUSIC) I mean, she got her money's worth.
Yeah, she really did.
(SCREAMING) AURORA: Hey gang! (AIR KISSES) AURORA: Who's ready for a ladies night? Yes, yes, yes.
And one for you.
I don't want it.
I just-I just-I just You're such a cute little lady! Yeah, I don't know.
I just, I don't really like, identify as a lady.
It doesn't really match my gender.
So I, I just, don't want to wear a crown and be a lady.
How are they going to know it's ladies night though? Yeah.
I'm pretty sure they're going to know.
No, no they won't, no.
You can't promise that, Carol.
You can't promise that.
You know what, I'm sure People are not smart.
Like you can still call each other lady, just don't call me lady.
You know, I just don't really want to be lumped in with the ladies.
It's just I was really looking forward to ladies night.
It's just something that I needed.
Mandy, are you going to be okay? I'm okay if it's ladies night.
CAROL: Honestly, we can still drink and party and stuff, let's just not call it ladies night.
You know, like why does this night have to have a gender? Why do you have to make it about gender? I mean, it's just ladies night.
If you don't want me there, like, I don't have to be there if - (IN UNISON) Noo.
- What? (IN WHINEY VOICES) We want you to go.
We just want you to do what you've always done and not make a big deal about being called lady, even though it makes you uncomfortable, and doesn't match your genderaaah.
Okay, you know what, fine, call me lady.
- (CHEERING) - Really? Really? - No.
- (IN UNISON) Ugh.
CAROL: I think I'll just drink with the cat in the other room for a bit.
AURORA: Pussy night.
- Pussy night? - Pussy night.
MEREDITH: Pussy night for sure.
Pussy night's the winner.
All I'm going to say is it's really hard to eat pasta when it's bright pink, it's Ugh! I bet.
But was it a fun dinner? Like, who went? Oh yeah, uh, so it was me and Jess and Mike and ah, oh Mike's friend, um, Victor, from the bbq.
- Victor? - Yeah.
Huh, okay, uh, did he, um, did he say anything about me? No, do you know him? Mm, no no I just ah, I just think he's cute.
- Ooh, you think he's cute.
- Mhm.
Did you two chat at the bbq? No.
Oh okay.
So sorry, I'm a little confused.
So you don't know him and you've never spoken to him? No.
So he didn't say anything about me? Gosh, that's so weird.
Why would he? Well, I don't know.
I just thought I saw him like look over at me when I was opening a beer and, you know, then I thought maybe he was thinking like, "Ooh, she likes beer, that's so cool.
" And then when he got invited to that dinner, he was thinking like, "Oh wait a second, hang on, "maybe Amanda's going to be there too.
" So when he got there and he didn't see me, he thought "Well maybe she's just a little bit late.
" So he sort of like hoped that I was going to show up.
And then when I didn't come in, he started to think like, "Oh no, like what if something tragic happened to her?" But of course he couldn't ask because he doesn't really actually know me.
So instead he just like drops my name into conversation.
And when no one replies by saying, "There's been an emergency.
" He thinks, "Okay I guess I can let it lie".
But he's still got this nagging feeling in the back of his head.
But he can't keep bringing it up because it's going to totally blow his cover.
And it's like absolutely crazy just how connected we are after just like meeting each other's eyes across a party.
You sound insane.
What? - Yes.
- Why? - That is bonkers.
- No that No there's a lot of logic that is there and assumptions of things, yeah.
Amanda! - Amanda! - What? Oh, thank god, you're safe.
Oh I was worried something was wrong but I didn't want to pry because we barely know each other.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
Isn't it crazy how just I feel this connection to you even after just a glance? Just a glance.
I love you.
- You do? - I love her! - He loves me.
- I love you! Oh and I got you this bottle of beer 'cause I know how much you love beer.
I do.
We both love beer.
- Oh.
- Oh my god.
Oh yeah, take me here right now.
(MOANING) - VICTOR: Let's buy a house.
- Meet me outside.
- Let's buy a house.
- Yes, okay.
In Etobicoke.
- Come on.
- Come on.
AMANDA: Fuck me on the sidewalk, let's go.
Come on.
VICTOR: Get out of the way! AMANDA: Out of the way! Hey, what's your name? My name is married.
No, because we exchanged a glance? - (MOANING) - (GLASS SQUEAKING) Oh, I'm going to die alone.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (COLLECTIVE CHEERING) It's Friday! - It's Friday.
Oh my god.
- It's Friday, yeah.
I've gotta be honest with you though, this week it just seemed endless.
Yeah, I gotta say thank you so much for inviting me along with you.
You guys have made me feel so welcomed, thank you.
We love you, we love you, we love you.
Well we have all been the new girl so we know what it's like.
CAROLYN: We know what it's like to be new at work and we think you are just great.
And you're good on the photocopier and that counts.
And you're pretty and that means a lot.
- Oh, thank you.
- It really does around here.
Oh Good evening ladies.
(IN UNISON) Hi Marcus! - Marcus! - Hi.
The usual? A round of margaritas? Margs around the table.
Auntie Marg for everyone.
I'll just have a cran and soda please.
AURORA: Just so you know, the margaritas here are the best in the city.
- Oh they're really good.
- I don't drink.
MEREDITH: Let's have one 'cause it's for a celebration.
She's having one 'cause we're celebrating.
She's going to have one to celebrate.
(CHANTING) Just have one.
(AIR TROMBONE TOOTING) MEREDITH: Do your celebration dance everybody.
I'm just going to stick to the cranberry and soda.
Just a good old cranberry and soda, thank you.
Oh no, do you have a UTI? You do, oh my god that could burn.
Because when you're on antibiotics That's why you were on the toilet for so long, I understand.
(INDISCERNIBLE OVERLAPPING TALK) Yeah, no, no, that's not it.
I just, I don't drink alcohol, so.
MEREDITH: I know what, you're pregnant.
She's pregnant! (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING) Oh my god that's so great.
No, I just don't drink.
AURORA: Anymore.
You just don't drink anymore but you used to a lot.
MEREDITH: Yeah, she did a lot probably.
Did something happen? MEREDITH: You were in rehab.
You should write a book.
No, I didn't go to rehab.
CAROLYN: Did someone in your family drink? AURORA: (GASPS) Your father was a drinker.
Oh my god, I knew it! (INDISCERNIBLE OVERLAPPING TALK) Oh my god, it's so insensitive of us.
No, actually the truth of it is I just don't like it that much and I never really have, you know, but it's no big deal.
It's Friday night, right.
Woo! Friday night.
What's that dance? - I don't know that instrument.
- We were just doing the - No.
Never seen it before.
- Trombone thing.
Marcus we're cancelling the margs.
CAROLYN: Yeah, let's cancel the margs.
Oh no no no! Marcus, no fun tonight.
We're cancelling the fun.
AMY: It's no big deal, I'm fine, it doesn't bother me.
Just do you and I'll do me.
MEREDITH: If you don't like to have fun, we don't like to have fun.
What? What? I'm sorry, I'm feeling kind of personally attacked.
We don't drink that much.
CAROLYN: Yeah, like we just have a drink on Fridays.
MEREDITH: We don't have a problem.
And for you to insinuate that we do is really rude.
Oh but I didn't though.
I really You kind of did.
AURORA: We we're so kind to you, especially after what you went through with your father.
Actually, there was no, 'cause you made that up.
MEREDITH: Amy if you want, I'll fucking have ya.
I've got no fucking problem.
Do you understand me, what I'm saying? You should just take your long legs and just walk out of here because we didn't need your judgement.
CAROLYN: Take a long hike Temperance McNoFun.
Oh my god! She's the funny one! I'm the model! Okay, okay, I'm really sorry that you feel that way.
Enjoy your, your margs.
- We will.
- We will.
Oh we sure will.
We are grown women and we know how to drink responsibly.
Thank you Marcus.
Oh Marcus.
MEREDITH: Okay I'm having a triple.
Thank you Marcus.
Can we have three more please, thank you, 'cause this is going down smooth.
This is just a six ouncer, right? - Mhm.
- Okay.
Oh, god I stink.
You smell like a 3 cheese dip, do ya? (CHUCKLES) Yeah yeah.
Didn't you shower this morning? Ah, no I didn't have time.
So, you know, I just did a little ah, horse bath.
A-a what? You know, horse bath.
You know, like-like you would with a horse.
Like you get a little cloth and you just do a little brrr, brrr, brrr, brrrr! - Wow.
- You know, horse bath.
Ah, one, that's not the saying.
And two, is that how you think a horse gets washed? Well how else would you do it? Like with a bucket of soapy water.
How is that different? It's not so.
Thank you.
Okay, but if you don't think the expression is horse bath, what do you think it is? Well, you know, it's when the of the you're like ahh and then oooh oh, how much? And then you say, oh a lot.
And you're like okay.
But and you can also pay for university.
You know what, it's like a sex Like a-like a whor Like a wh? - Whor, you say it.
- Not an H.
You say it.
A whore, I don't want to say that then.
- I don't want to say that.
- So then you're - Yeah.
- I'm the terrible person.
No, whoever came up with that is a- - That's a terrible person.
- Yeah.
That's so uncomfortable.
I don't at all, brrr.
Hey, Abby.
- (COUGHS) Morning.
- Morning.
Yeah, thanks, bye.
Elementary (SNIFFS) Mm.
- Hey, uh, Willow.
- Mhm.
Hey sorry, it's just we're in a, a fragrance free office.
(GASPS) Oh no, oh Yeah, it's just your perfume.
Yeah, I'm so sorry, I didn't even realize.
No, it's okay.
It's okay, it's just that, um, Abby over there, she's super sensitive to fragrances, so.
WILLOW: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Um Looks like you rolled it on.
Well I'll go wash this off.
- Yeah, fragrances.
- No problem.
- Thank you so much.
- Of course.
Abby would really appreciate it.
WILLOW: Oh, okay.
Hey, Willow.
Yeah? Heyo, listen I'm so sorry, it's just, uh, did you wash your hair today? Of course, does it look dirty? Yeah no, it looks great, it looks really beautiful.
It's just that, um, once you-you took the perfume off, the smell from your hair products it just became even more pungent and ah, it's just a bit rough on Abby.
WILLOW: She can smell it all the way over there? CAROLYN: Yeah, it just kind of wafts.
You know, you were sort of shaking your-your hair and your curls a bit and it hits me first, and I'm fine with it, but Ab's over there, um, you know, she's a bit sensitive and Okay, well I guess I'll go rinse it Rinse it off.
Rinse it off in the sink.
Just two or three times.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay, sorry, um (WILLOW SIGHS) Hey, Willow? Mhm.
Is that a-a plain yogurt you're eating? Ah, no, it's-it's lemon.
Abby can smell it.
She can smell it? CAROLYN: Really acidic and lemony.
WILLOW: Okay, I'll just, uh, throw it out in the dumpster out back.
- Probably you're best bet.
- Okay.
Do you mind just before you finish it.
Abby would really appreciate it.
(WILLOW SIGHS) (CAROLYN SNIFFS) Ugh, what is that? - It's grease.
- Hm? It's grease and a little bit of blood because there was a raccoon in the dumpster and it, uh, it jumped out at me.
Oh god, its repugnant! I'm so sorry but I'm just starting to get the feeling that you are purposefully trying to harm Abby.
I just didn't know how much fragrance there was in-in everything.
You didn't know there was fragrance in a dumpster? - Well I just didn't - Yeah.
In feces and-and urine and-and garbage and waste? Raccoons have a smell too.
It's just fragrance is everywhere, you know, it's-it's in everything we know and love, you know, and it's just really hard on Abby.
And it's up to us to protect her and not go diving in dumpsters and washing our hair and eating yogurts.
You know, we've got to step up and make sacrifices in this office.
Oh, um, actually You shut the fuck up Abby, okay, because opening your mouth can create a smell and if you open your mouth and you create a smell then that's something I can't control.
If you can't take responsibility for your own personal care then I just can't even, okay.
Because I try to take responsibility for you.
It's just like not fair! Get it together! Dammit! It's a fragrance free zone everyone! I'm just doing my best! I'm so sorry about all this I-I just No no no no.
It's not your fault.
Her smoking was bothering me so she had to quit.
Oh, that-that makes a lot of sense.
Would you like, um, a Kleenex? - There you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you, I'll just I think I've got a touch of sepsis so I'm gonna- - That looks tender, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
CAROLYN: I can smell your sepsis!! We can all smell your sepsis!! (ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL DRAMATIC BEAT) (OWL HOOTING) Guys, what are we doing here? I heard from a dude that I work with, this place is super haunted.
Yeah, like crazy haunted.
Oh whatever, I'm not going in there.
Fine, suit yourself.
Let's go scare the piss out of ourselves, dude.
(CHUCKLING) - Come on.
- Ew.
Holy shit.
Cool, man.
Hey, do you think there are any squatters? (EERIE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) I don't know dude, looks pretty normal to me.
- (EERIE BEAT) - (FEARFUL GASPS) Oh shit, oh shit! (CRIES OUT) MAN 1: Dude, are you seeing this, man? The ghost is drinking wine.
MAN 2: Holy shit, dude.
Oh shit.
I heard screams, what's going on? This place is haunted as hell.
Yeah, by-by a poltergeist that reads and shit.
GIRL: I'm so sorry ma'am, we had no idea someone lived here.
MAN 2: Wait, wait, ma'am? It's a woman? Yeah, they're There's three women right there.
How can you not see 'em? MEREDITH: You know what, don't worry about it.
They're completely harmless.
Young guys come in here all the time.
Really, it's fine.
So, why can't they see you? AURORA: Well, when you're a woman and you get above a certain age, you just become invisible to young men, so.
My god, that's awful.
Not really, I mean, it does have its advantages.
Watch this.
(OMINOUS MUSIC) MEREDITH: I just love it when you do that.
- Do it again! - One more for you.
Oh and one for your friend too.
(SLAPS) The spirits now are angered.
Let's go.
(WOMEN CHUCKLING) Wow, well I can't wait to get older.
JENNIFER: Oh it's fantastic.
I mean, your face falls apart and your tits hit the floor but your brain's great, so there's that.
What are you reading? AURORA: Oh, "The Gilded Testicle".
Have you read it? GIRL: No, I haven't.
What's it about? - Oh, what isn't it about really? - Balls.
Why don't you join us? Let's set you up with a glass of wine.
GIRL: Well thank you so much.
Can I just touch that skin under your eyes? Ah, yeah, you go ahead.
- Oh god it's so smooth.
- Thank you.
Oh god, it's like an angel's arse.
Yeah, it's actually natural.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Yeah no, no problem, um- You're never leaving.
- (EERIE DRAMATIC CHORD) - (WOLF HOWLING) (DOOR CREAKING) Oh thank god, it's the quiet room.
- (LOUD LIVELY MUSIC) - Come on, shut the door, shut the door.
Oh we've got coats.
Oh its heavenly, thank god.
- We made it.
- Ah.
It is just too loud out there.
It's too loud out there.
I tried having a conversation with somebody and I was shouting at them for twenty minutes.
It's insane- - God I found you, what? - Shh, shh.
Close the door, close the door.
- (WHISPERING) Its the quiet room.
- The quiet room? Thank you.
Honestly, it's bananas down there.
I was trying to have a conversation with Jody but then like Tom picked up his guitar and he just keeps playing.
Everyone was doing a sing-a-long.
AURORA: See this is what happens when you're friends with musical theatre people.
They can't help themselves.
But do we have to sing Cats? - Karen! - Shhhhhhh! (WHISPERING) Oh is this the quiet room? - Shut the door! - Oh, thank god.
Not only are they doing an a capella version of Rent they are doing the choreography! - Oh no.
- Oh my god.
MEREDITH: Is this the quiet room? Shhhhh! It is dying out there.
You know what Tammy's doing? She started "Would You Rather" games now everyone's deciding what type of dog they should be.
I just want to roll a joint.
I just want to smoke a joint.
AURORA: This is a safe space.
There's no music, there's no dancing, there's no weird parlour gaming of any sort.
Just roll it- - TAMMY: Found you! - (COLLECTIVE GROANING) Okay, you guys are the last ones.
Okay, would you rather be a cockroach or Hey I found you guys.
- Hiding? - Oh no.
TOM: Love the vibe! WOMAN: Oh it's the music room! Hey everyone, the party's in here! Get in here! (SINGING AND GUITAR PLAYING) Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ - (SINGING AND GUITAR PLAYING) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ - Everybody's tackling Pete.
♪ - What? No, um- Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Everyone's having fun, fun ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ - Lying on a bed ♪ - (CHUCKLING).
Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on my bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪ Lying on a bed ♪
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