Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e09 Episode Script

Mercury Is In Retrograde

1 - Hi, sorry for the wait.
- Mhm.
- Table for two? - Yes.
- Inside or outside? - Outside.
Oh, do you mind if we sit inside? I have a very serious allergy to wasps.
The wasps are terrible this time of year.
Oh, are they bad today? The oak in this chardonnay is too aggressive.
Oh, send it back.
- Where is anybody? - I don't know.
- Pastel on pastel.
- Oh, let's get her inside.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
It could be the pearls.
It's the privilege.
I mean, I was always attracted to your passive income.
Mmm, I was attracted to your passive lovemaking.
Oooh! Di-di-di-di-di-di-di.
Hello? Hi Daryl.
You ah, forgot your keys? Yes, I did.
Aren't you supposed to be at work? Mercury's in retrograde.
I'm almost there, almost done.
So your bike chain broke? Yeah it broke and look, look at me, and I locked myself out.
And look at that, so.
I'm telling you it's totally because Mercury's in retrograde.
Um, what is that, like? What does that actually mean? It's just like when Mercury goes backwards in the sky and then everything goes wrong.
Yeah, it's true.
- Give me your wallet, now! - Aaaah! - What? Okay, okay, kkkk.
- Now or I'll hurt you lady! Are you serious? All right, there! You kidding? - What? - What the fuck? Five dollars and a yogurt card? Don't judge me! Stupid mercury! What? I am paying off a student loan! Ah, you fuck! He was medium build and, um, he had dark hair and I think, yeah, there was a scar or something on his forehead.
I was just wondering what the chances were of you guys catching him? Hard to say, ma'am.
Usually in cases like these, you just have to ride it out until, you know- Mercury is out of retrograde.
Yeah! You take care, ma'am.
You're gonna be good.
Hey, do you have the keys to the cruiser? I thought you had them? - Oh, fucking Mercury.
- Mercury.
It's not a thing.
- Can we stop and get a coffee? - Yes.
- Oh I don't have my wallet.
- Oh, it's in there.
Well, we're walking.
We're walking, yeah.
Hey babe, it says here that at 24 weeks, the baby can already recognize voices that it hears regularly in utero.
The best way for the partner to bond with the baby is to talk to the baby regularly.
So you should talk to the baby.
They're just about to reveal "Star Baker".
They're just talking through the Madeira cakes right now and I- You can pause the TV.
I just kinda You know, what year is this? Okay, fine.
Um Hello! My name is Bob and I will be your mother.
Okay, what is with this weird voice though 'cause you That's my voice.
You've never talked in that voice No, that is my voice.
No, that's not my voice.
- No, somewhere in the middle.
- Okay.
Hi baby.
What's it like inside your human house? Are you just swimming around in all the poop? Or Did you not read the book? Hmm? - Cause I, I gave you your own copy.
- Yes.
- Boop.
- Ow.
- Hello! - No, I don't I'm just sending it through the I know.
No, that's not how it works.
I'm really excited to get to know you, in-in time.
Oh look baby, we're going to have twins! You're going to have a sibling.
I wasn't really so sure I wanted to have a baby.
What? I've got a cup of tea with a strange little head on it that looks like a swan.
I'm gonna go for a direct connection.
What? Spread your legs, haha, like you did nine months ago.
Just kidding.
- For a technician.
- We've done it lots, okay.
- For a technician.
- I know.
I didn't spread my legs for a technician! I know! Baby! The acoustics in here are amazing.
Aaahh, this is you, 24/7.
Aaah! Aaaahhhh! I'm going to tell you a secret.
The earth is actually flat.
The earth is not flat.
Now mommy's going to tell you that it's not.
The earth is not flat.
Mommy is going to say science is important.
Stop with that garbage.
This is your mommy coming to ya through your other mommy's vagina passage.
See, I think it hears better when I lift up Oh, you're asleep, okay.
Um uh, hi.
Just final thoughts.
Can you smell her farts when she's in there? Like do you What? Sorry.
What did you say? Nothing.
Ah, that is like Gwyneth Paltrow's wet dream.
Wanna get takeout? Yep.
Never gonna eat that shit.
How long do we have to stay before we can go? Unfortunately I think we have to wait until she opens the presents.
That's not until the end of the party.
- I know.
- Can we make a good excuse? - Hi! - Oh hi! Hey.
Oh, there's a line up at the baker's.
Would you mind cutting this, putting it on plates and sharing it with everyone? - Of course.
- I'm going to talk my guests.
- How about that? - Not at all.
Good for you.
Take a load off.
Okay, let's do this.
I have the knife here.
You have the plate there.
- Ah! Don't look.
- Oh my god.
What the fuck? What the fuck is that? I can't stop Shh, what is it? Please tell me what it is.
That's a vagina with a baby's head coming out of it.
I know that, Rita.
I'm not fucking blind.
I need you to tell me why that is cake.
Why is that a cake? It's the latest shower trend.
Vagina cakes are really hot right now.
I just never I want you to know something.
Look at me.
I'm very scared, okay? I'm terrified right now.
- I want you to help me.
- I will.
It's utterly realistic.
That's why you're scared.
Okay, here we go.
One, two, three.
Ahhhh! Is that blood? Is that a? That's blood.
That's a bloody That's a bloody membrane and the baby has to like, claw its way out of it.
Okay, okay.
Hoonani, hoonani, hoonani.
Okay, keep it together.
Keep it together.
Okay, we don't want to be the feminists that ruin the party.
I'm not going to be a feminist that ruins the party, I don't even care.
I'm just going to cut right into Faaa.
I'm going to b b b b b b Hurry! Don't cut the clit! Just cut over here on the right side.
The right lip? You want me to cut that? Do you know what that is? That's this bit, right there.
I'm going to take a knife, I'm going to slit into that? Is the cake almost ready? People are getting hungry.
Yep! - Shit.
- Shit! Okay, just shave some off the top.
Shit! You shave it off the top! Shit, I'm getting emotional! - Okay.
Okay, you know what? - What? Yes? We are getting emotional.
We just need to take a minute.
We just need to take a minute and treat Douglas Melody.
Okay, treat Melody and this beautiful flower of womanhood with some respect.
For just a minute and then we'll just go back to treating it like a cake.
Thank you for being pink and wet.
You know what I'm just, thank you, thank you and we appreciate you.
Yeah, we appreciate you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Oh, why would you? - Beautiful little - Okay, how's it coming in here? Oh, good.
Ooh, dibs on the mons pubis, has the most icing.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh and I want that too.
Oh yeah! Oh.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Oh! This buttercream is amazing, guys.
Mmm, mmm.
Hey, do you know if this cake is from Stanley's 'cause they did my nephew's bris.
Cake was a little bit dry, but it was huge.
I mean, we couldn't even finish the tip.
The nice thing was everyone went home with a little bit of dick, which I think is a nice way to end a party, don't you? I just gotta sit down.
Okay just Super villains.
It's been one week since we abolished the Internet and threw the world into absolute chaos.
Just want to do a group check-in, you know, see how we're all doing, how everyone's feeling.
Well, I don't know about everybody else, but I'm feeling decidedly less evil.
I'm sleeping better.
I'm more present in all my relationships.
I gotta say I have a lot less hate in my heart.
I really, really do.
Like for ages there I just thought, Oh my god, I want to blow up the Maldives.
But actually I was like really envious of everyone's vacation pics on Instagram.
I miss controlling the media and rigging elections, but I must say, the fair and balanced news coverage in the daily papers, very nice.
Also, no comment section, very good.
Damn! So have we accidentally done a good thing by getting rid of the Internet? Well, I don't know about that.
I mean, we knocked all the planes out of the sky.
I mean, that's fairly evil.
There was that, that was evil.
But, the CO2 emissions went down considerably in the world.
The earth actually has about ten more years to live.
So we call it a good thing? How about this one? Netflix, gone.
People have to now go to live theatre.
That's pretty bad.
Except, there's a big shared experience happening.
So there's a lot of mutual understanding and connection among humans.
Damn! Well not to change subject but, um, Beth, I must be asking you, where did you get this hat? I'm loving it! Do you like this little bad boy! I do.
Online, bought it online.
Ah! That's it there'll be no more online shopping.
That's right.
Everyone will be forced to go to the mall.
The mall is the worst.
High five, yeah boss.
High five.
Don't leave me hanging.
Oh, I won't leave you hanging.
No don't! Ahhhhh! Oh dear! Ah, there we go.
Oh that looks darling.
Oh, she didn't really bring much to the the group, did she? Um, you know, things have been pretty stressful lately and I've been drinking more than I usually do.
I mean, I don't think I have a problem or anything like that.
Um, but I just was a bit worried.
And I wondered in your professional opinion, if it falls within the normal range of, you know, drinks per week? As a bottle picker.
Yeah, you're fine.
Like I would say statistically average for the neighbourhood.
Oh, phew! Now, number 24 down the street, I pay my rent from that bin.
So, um, are we done here? Do you mind? Sorry, um, thank you for your trouble.
Thank you.
Relieved to be normal.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
You have a below average taste in wine.
Excuse me? This box just says white.
Um Like I'm, I'm sad for you.
Here you go, I don't need it because that does not give me a cent.
Some beer cans and bottles in there.
Oh yeah, lots.
Yeah, those are my husband's.
- Are you married? - I am not.
Hey Monica! Oh my god, what happened to your eye? Oh, I woke up like this.
I think I burst a blood vessel.
Oh my god, you have pink eye? No, it's not pink eye.
You have pink eye? - I'm sure it's not pink eye.
- Oh.
You must've gotten poo in your eye.
Ah, yeah.
I didn't get poo in my eye.
It's not pink eye.
That's how you get pink eye, poo in your eye.
Okay, it's not pink eye.
I'm fine, guys.
Just chill out.
It's okay.
It's just Yeah, no I'm not going to chill out just because you got random fecal matter in your eye, doesn't mean the rest of us want it, thank you.
Yeah, okay, everyone, Monica got poo in her eye.
We don't really know how, but it's really important that nobody go near her, nobody touch her.
Maybe don't even talk to her in case she spits while you're talking and it goes into your eye and you get poo in your eye.
Okay, just be safe.
Okay, okay, guys, come here.
Look, if you really, really must know what happened, Alan and I were having some really intense sex last night and I think that's how this happened, okay.
You were having poo sex? I was not having poo sex! I was having just regular plain old vanilla sex with a really intense orgasm with lots of screaming.
And, ah, poof I think it burst a blood vessel, okay! Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
You orgasmed so hard that poo came out? - That must be it, mhm.
- Is that it? What? It's vintage.
Look, life isn't always fair.
You're going have to do some things that aren't fun.
And uh, you know what? Them's the breaks, kid.
And them's the gas and them's the steering wheel.
Can't Dad teach me how to drive? - Hey, I'm not done yet.
- Okay.
Uh, them's the glove compartment.
Them's the flicker.
Them's the leather interior.
Uh, them's the coffee cup holder.
Okay, Laney.
You are a smart, talented, kind person.
Dating is hard.
Online dating is brutal.
He is not what you expected.
He blinks a lot.
He blinks a terrifying amount.
We're going to focus on dating, okay? Finding that special someone.
'Cause that's what the magazines say.
You didn't take all those quizzes for nothing, did ya? Okay.
Get out there.
Go! Okay! Laney, listen, listen, focus.
There's nothing wrong with dating a professional clown.
I'm okay.
Yeah, yes he looks like your dad.
Guess what? Your dad's a good guy.
Your dad's hot.
Some people say, "Oh my god, Laney, "I can't believe how hot your dad is.
" And you love your dad.
That's, that's not.
Blush is going to make this better.
♪ Blush is going to make this all better.
♪ Don't be afraid.
♪ Don't be afraid.
♪ Laney, don't be afraid because he's not afraid to tell you that he lives with his mother and he once had a thing with his dog.
Now you got this, you got this, ♪ you got this going on now.
♪ He has halitosis but you don't need no bra.
♪ Boop! Ladies! You, you did good.
You done good kid, but you're out.
Now listen to me, you are just gonna apply the rest of this beard.
And then he's just going to think you're some nice guy with a nice beard.
You're going to slip out the back.
You going to get, get to go home now.
You tried.
Bad date? It-it was so bad.
It was really bad.
I can help.
- What? - Come on.
Just leave it.
You're like a fairy.
A fairy of crappy dates.
Don't fart though 'cause I could throw up on your back.
Wouldn't be the first time.
- Okay, here we go.
- Okay.
Oh my god.
He ate my meatballs.
Hey, remember that song, "Tonight I celebrate my love for you"? Tonight I celebrate my ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah.
I remember.
Who sang that? Oh, ah, huh, no idea.
Oh well.
Peabo Bryson.
Babe Ugh.
Well now I'm awake.
The new girl's name is Debbie and I called her Liz all afternoon.
Oh god.
It's 2:36 right now.
Okay, that's fine, that's fine.
I'll get four hours.
I can, um, I'll get by on four hours.
Do I have to pee or don't I have to pee? Who names their baby Peabo? Okay, I'm going to lie here and I'm going to reabsorb it.
Oh my god brain! She hates me.
Liz hates me.
Stop thinking about Peabo Bryson.
Everyone hates me.
Ah! Should I apologize? Peabo Bryson.
She looks like a Liz, not a Debbie.
This is not her! Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo, Peabo.
There is only one way I'm going to fall asleep.
Take twenty slow deep breaths.
Didn't even spill a drop, Bonnie.
Let's dance.
Dear Debbie, it's not my fault that you look like a Liz.
No one ever needs to know this.
Peabo Bryson! Fuck.
From the people who brought you Red Wine Ladies.
Look who's here! Hello! Comes the sequel you might have been waiting for.
- Girls' weekend! - Girls' weekend! Now we stopped at the wine store.
I hope we have enough.
We've got some Amarone.
We have Beaujolais.
Okay, fantastic.
There's another bottle in the glove compartment, hun.
Red Wine Ladies at the Cottage.
For three days and two nights they will eat, drink, drink, drink.
And on the third day, drink some more.
To us! And those who want to be us! Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
Join them as they brave the wilderness.
I just peed in the bushes.
Oh, cheers! I think I found cell service! Huh? Oh hello? Oh shit! How old is your neighbour's son? - I think he's 20.
- Is he? - Yeah.
- You who! By four o'clock there will be naps.
Oh I must have drifted off.
Oh, me too.
I wasn't sleeping.
I wasn't.
Where's Brenda? - Brenda? - Brenda? Brenda? My girls' weekend oouutt! And after five cases of Bordeaux.
Four pounds of cambozola cheese and a small bowl of olives, the night hits its chilling climax.
Holy shit, guys.
What? We drank all the wine.
What? What? Pack up.
We are going home.
- No.
- Wait, wait.
I don't wanna go.
This is not how this ends.
I have-I've-I have muscle relaxants, a lot.
Girls' weekend is back on! Girls' weekend! Girls' weekend! Red Wine Ladies at The Cottage.
Midnight skinny dipping.
Yep!!! Coming soon to a cottage a little too close to yours.
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