Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e10 Episode Script

I Wrote A Play About My Ex

1 And that's why I never buy toilet paper in bulk.
Makes sense.
Oh my god.
What? Ahhhh.
Um, isn't that, uh, Joe over there with that woman and the dog? SUZY: Yes it is.
Oooh, this is gonna be good.
Hi! Is everybody having a nice time, hm? (STAMMERING) I mean I-I-I.
You told me that you were allergic to dogs.
- What? - I'm pretty sure you did! And doesn't that mean I could have had a dog! This whole time! Oh my god.
I can't believe you would lie about something like that.
I think you should leave.
- I think you should leave! - Suzy I - Go.
- Eat shit! Go go go.
Get away from me and my dog.
Eat the dog shit! JOE: I'm sorry.
God, I am so sorry about that.
Hi, I'm Holly.
This is Keeba.
Do you want to say hi? Hi, Keeba.
- Who's a lovely little girl.
- Yeah.
She's good, did you want to grab a coffee? - Oh I would love to.
- Come on.
Let's, come on, girl, let's go get a coffee.
I could have had a dog the whole time.
HOLLY: Oh you poor thing.
- Oh, I - SUZY: I-I got a date.
Do you want your? SUZY: This just worked out for me.
No? Oh.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch ♪ Rolling in the party we'll start the fun ♪ Get fancy ♪ Hey Hey ♪ There's no clouds its just the sun ♪ Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah ♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪ MEREDITH: And then he said, "Well, at least you're taller than Yoda".
- I know.
- This is great.
I've never taken Uber pool before.
Me neither, I usually take the train and I work all the way in.
MEREDITH: That's what I do too.
Oh my gosh.
I've never had so much fun with strangers before.
DRIVER: I'm glad you're enjoying your ride ladies, just one more stop.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I just think it's like so affordable and it's pleasant.
I mean, I suppose Conference call.
Conference call.
MEREDITH: It's just that we were We were talking.
CAROLYN: Uh-huh.
Can we get the windows rolled up? Sorry.
CAROLYN: Oh, no, that's a great point, Dan.
My assistant's drawing up the report as we speak.
Here, collate these.
CAROLYN: Absolutely, not a problem at all.
I need same-day courier service to Hong Kong, stat.
Right away.
Oh, oh this is my stop.
Not until you're done collating, it's not.
Sorry, Dan.
(DRAMATIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Why are we stopped? Why are we stopped? Why are we stopped?! You're fired.
You, I'm promoting you to head of transport.
I'm sorry.
Don't you have to get out? Shhh.
I can't get fired.
I need this job.
MEREDITH: Everybody comfortable? Women, would you please focus.
I can't lose this account.
I've arranged shipping! Here are the reports you asked for.
Now, I've got the reports right here and the samples will be delivered by end of day.
Yeah, no problem at all.
Speak soon.
Good work, team.
Couldn't have done it without you.
Okay, thank you.
CAROLYN: Lunch is on me.
She was so cool.
Did I just steal a car? Yeah.
Um, I would like to register for your doja baby yoga, please.
Oh, wonderful.
That's one of our most popular classes.
So how old is the little one? Um, sorry, what, what little one? Your little one.
Your baby.
How old is your baby? Oh, I don't-I don't have a baby.
Oh, um, then you must want one of our other classes.
We offer, um, Hatha yoga, Moksha yoga, Ashtanga yoga.
Oh yeah.
Um, I think I'll just stick with, um, doja baby yoga, thanks.
Doja baby yoga is for babies.
We do offer the same doja yoga class for adults.
Thanks, I'd prefer the one for babies.
But you're not a baby.
Doja baby yoga is for babies.
Oh yeah, I prefer to learn the way a baby learns without any preconceived notions of the poses.
Like the way a baby would.
You know? I don't.
I'm a slow learner.
And you said it was your most popular class.
For babies.
I'm a slow learner.
Um, we offer a whole range of beginner classes.
I highly recommend one of those.
Oh, okay, I'll take a beginner class.
Um, I'll take, um, beginner baby yoga, please.
Um Okay.
Be fun.
(SIGHS) JENNIFER: Oh, breathe.
Hmm, feels kind of forced, okay.
Be happy.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks pillow.
How? Wow, that's dark.
I mean, the colours are pretty and how do you even get away with something like that, I Oh.
Okay, life plan sorted.
Room tied together.
Thanks pillow.
Happiness achieved.
That is a good day of shopping.
I'm going to have to hit the hardware store now.
Duct tape, that'll be my first thing.
I just want you to know that I am not angry at you, but you are not going to a school that teaches that class.
It's just sex ed.
MOM: Whoa.
What are they teaching you? The anal sex 101? - Mom.
- Mhm? It's not what they're teaching us.
MOM: Okay.
Really? Okay, well what-what are they teaching you then? Like different genders and stuff.
Male, female, transgender And anal? Mom! No! MOM: Okay.
Well, you know, I will be damned, just damned if any son of mine learns about anal sex or fisting or rimming or rusty tromboning or beads or plugs or any type of anal play at all.
(SIGHS) It's actually a really boring class.
They talk about body parts mostly - Anal parts.
- No.
But it doesn't mean they won't eventually.
'Cause first, you know, it's like, "Oh, hey babe, you ever heard of this?" Then it's like, "Oh honey, "Here's something that I would like to try.
" And then you do it once.
You do it that one time on their birthday, you know? And then it's all they ever talk about.
Mom, can you please stop talking about anal to me? I'm sorry.
It's just that I worry about this.
You know, something like this, it needs to be approached with a lot of thought and a lot of care.
And lube.
That's a very That's a very good point.
I'm looking for a nice, not-too-expensive red for a dinner party.
Oh, okay.
This is a very nice Italian red.
Now are these, uh, work friends or friend friends? Oh, it's just the old gang from high school.
Oh, in that case, I would go with this one.
It's a little heavier, but it pairs very well with everyone talking over each other as they brag about how well they're doing.
Great, thanks.
JENNIFER: You're welcome.
Um, do you have anything that's good for crying alone to Netflix? Ah, yes.
Any of these reds over here named after cupcakes will do.
AURORA: Oh, great.
Thank you.
Yeah, enjoy ladies.
Hi, uh, maybe you can help me find something.
I'm looking to have a long meandering fight with my boyfriend about money.
Try this.
You'll be screaming about his credit balance in no time.
White makes me crazy! I have been drinking the same Chardonnay for years.
Looking to change it up.
I've just the thing.
We cannot keep this on the shelves.
This is a very nice Prosecco that goes well with finally kissing your best friend on the lips the night before her wedding, just to see! Okay, that sounds nice next week.
But this week I'm sort of looking for something I can down in one go, make a reckless online purchase.
Do you have anything? Any of these boxed wines will do.
How about, yeah, this one here? There you go.
- Oh my god! - Yeah.
MEREDITH: New winter boots! WOMAN: Uh, hey, do you have a wine that goes well with finally emailing your ex-husband that play you wrote about him? Ooh (CHUCKLES).
Well, I can tell you from personal experience, you're going to need a tequila for that.
- Oh.
- Aisle six.
Ah, okay.
Yeah, I wrote one about my ex, so.
Oh, what's it called? Your goatee is a deal breaker.
WOMAN: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What's yours? - Polyamory does not work.
JENNIFER: Oh, true dat.
(ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ice, Ice, kitty, boom boom boom boom bada boom ♪ I've got cat hair all over me.
- Hello again.
- Hi.
(CAT SCREECHING) Nice to see you too, handsome.
- He's fine.
- Hello.
Just a bit punchy these days.
So has Vanilla Ice had any new symptoms since I saw him last? He's been spraying all over the apartment.
- Found some blood in his pee.
- Yeah.
MEREDITH: So that's why we called you right away.
VET: Well, my roommate and I have a male cat who used to have a spraying problem.
So I get it.
Now spraying in and of itself is not fun.
But Um, did you say, did you say roommate? Yes, yes.
We share a couple of cats.
They are lovely little fellows, but not as lovely as you.
- And you're a doctor, right? - Yes.
You're-you're the doctor.
You're not like the vet tech or? No no, I'm the vet.
- You're the vet.
- Oh yes.
And you have a roommate, you said? Actually, I have two roommates.
The three of us share an apartment.
Share an apartment.
VET: So last time he was here we do have a record of him having high calcium levels and that can indicate cancer.
- I just need to circle back - Yeah.
- Ah, for a second.
- Yeah.
So you're a doctor and you share an apartment with a couple of roommates? Yes I do.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Anyway, you were saying something about, um, the cat - The cat - Having cancer.
I don't know that for sure, of course.
So that's why it's important that we run tests because it could be his kidneys.
It could be his renal system.
And just to be clear, that's probably going to be about $3,000 for the tests.
- Whoa, that's a lot of money.
- That's a lot of money.
I mean, we want to rule everything out.
You sure you're just not trying to make your share of the rent this month? I'm sorry? You sure it's just not like, trying to raise the money to replace the flag in your window for like a proper curtain or like get some new ramen noodles to stock in the communal kitchen? I know, a new sweat sock on your door so when you're having sex, your other roommates don't like Oh, the sock's on the door.
Don't come iiiiiin.
Just because I choose to live with a smaller environmental footprint does not mean that I'm not a real doctor! I'm so tired of this attitude! - I'm so sorry.
- She started it though.
I did start it.
I'm sorry just you hear $3,000 and you just kind of wonder like, - why do you need that money? - I just followed along.
That's what the relationship's like.
No, we were both in on it at the same time.
- No, but you started it.
- We both started it.
And then if I don't joke with you she gets upset No, she looked at me and then I went back and then we just wanted to be on the same page.
I get it.
It's very stressful having a sick pet, isn't it? CAROLYN: Do whatever you need to do.
We want Vanilla Ice to be, you know, in top form for the Grammys.
His groovy self.
In that case, I think that we should test for diabetes and heartworm and leukemia.
CAROLYN: Whoa, that's a lot.
You think he has diabetes? No, but I really want to upgrade my futon to a real queen sized bed.
You know, my back is killing me.
You can't sleep on a futon.
You know, like - I know.
I know.
- I know.
I mean, our relationship got better when we got a King.
I'm 47, I deserve a King.
Yeah, and maybe like a lot of lights so that the basement just sort of feels a little bit more above ground.
Yeah, exactly.
How'd you know I was in a basement? - Lucky guess.
- Huh.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
Oh my god, how long is this thing? Ooh.
Oh god.
Oh, is that cat barf? We have not had a cat for six years.
That's where they were.
I mean, of course just when you buy a new pair.
I mean, oh my god.
(SNIFFS) Seaweed.
(TINKLING) Okay, that explains why I've been having the headaches.
Ah! Is that a finger? Ah! Who do I know that is missing a finger? (GASPS) Grade eight shop class! Oh my god, Mr.
Probably too late to attach that.
Hmm, sweet.
It's a reward for a hard day's work.
Oh, okay.
(SOFTLY) One, two, three.
Ow! Oh my god, I feel 10 pounds lighter.
(SOFT RELAXING MUSIC) Good afternoon, sir.
What can I get for you today? Ah, scotch and soda.
Hold the soda.
Just, um, let me know when you would like the soda.
I've got about two ounces left, so any time you-you want it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I would like to return the Lego, please.
Is there something wrong with the Lego? Oh no, not at all.
It's actually a very sweet Lego set.
It's just Like, it's not what I thought.
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, like all my friends were getting Lego sets so I thought, oh, hey, that, that could be for me.
Everyone said, oh my god, you're really gonna love the Lego set when you get it.
You're going to be so fulfilled when you get the Lego set.
You can't imagine your life without the Lego.
That's what they all said.
Oh, well it is a fun and challenging toy for, you know, old and young alike.
Who's up everyday with Lego? Who gets up in the middle of the night to see if the Lego is safe? Who is watching the Lego suck the life out of her face? Let me tell you who it is, Wanda.
It's me, that's who.
Are we still talking about Lego? Oh yeah! We are still talking about the Lego because that is all anybody wants to talk about.
All the time.
How's the Lego? Oh my gosh, we love your lego.
How tall is the Lego tower now? Who gives a (WOMAN SOBS) Maybe you could get another Lego set to keep the first one company.
That's the dumbest fucking thing I ever heard.
I'm sorry.
Like I used to have a life beyond the Lego.
I used to do things.
I took care of myself.
Okay, so you want to return the Lego? Yes.
I'm so sorry to tell you this.
But once the Lego is out of the box, it's no longer considered a Lego set, it's just your Lego.
- Goddammit.
- I'm sorry.
I'll just like throw it out or something.
No, no, wait, no! Don't throw it out like it's a piece of garbage.
You know, maybe there are people out there who don't have their own Lego, who-who can't have their own Lego, who would love to take care of your Lego.
(STIRRING MUSIC) Wanda are you still talking about the Lego? Yes.
Would you like my Lego set? Yes.
Don't play with it in your bare feet.
WANDA: Okay.
Don't you keep her up late.
Do you hear me? Put boundaries on it.
Do you hear me? I will.
Don't co-sleep with the Lego.
Ruins your sex life.
WANDA: Okay.
Thank you for coming into my life.
What are we going to call you? Tower? Bridge? A house? (ALT-POP MUSIC) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (SUSPENSE THRILLER MUSIC) MAN: Please, let me go! I swear to god it wasn't me! Ha, they all say that.
(COCKS GUN) Any last words? Oh god.
WOMAN: Um, excuse me.
What do you think you're doing? What does it look like, sexy baby.
We're carrying out a hit.
JENNIFER: Ha, not at 2:30, you're not.
What are you talking about? We booked this field for our hit at 2:30.
You can't book a field.
Oh yeah? Well the sign-in sheet says otherwise.
Jill S.
, Martha G.
2:30 PM.
This sign-up sheet's great idea.
Now there's no more bottlenecks at high traffic times.
Right? You know, I miss when it was just guys doing this work.
(COCKS GUN) Personally, I'm all in favour of women performing non-traditional jobs.
Thank you.
The trunk they threw me in had a little care package, a magazine and a small little bottle of water.
Oooh, nice touch.
- We should do that.
- You're welcome.
Can the ladies whack me? I mean, it just looks like they're having a better time.
(CHUCKLES) We really are.
It's true.
So your graves aren't going to dig themselves.
Let's get going.
- This looks good over here.
- Mhm, here.
- Get to work.
- Get going pretty boy.
Hey, come on.
We should sign up for tomorrow, yeah? Yes.
(SOFT GUITAR MUSIC) Thank you so much for the invite, Mr.
Please, it's Paul.
- It's Paul.
- Paul it is.
We're always happy to share our country get away with a new member of the firm.
HARRITY: But uh, we haven't been up here since we closed the cottage at Thanksgiving.
Why did you close it? (GRUNTING) - It's not winterized.
- It's not winterized.
It's not what? - Ah! - How are we? Let's put on a smile.
Why? The place looks like hell.
Can I help? Oh, yeah, yeah.
We just cover up all the furniture with tarps to protect it from all the mouse shit.
SCOTT: Ooh, pretty cool in here.
No worries kids, we'll get this stove lit, it'll warm right up.
HARRITY: Yeah in about, uh, twelve to fifteen hours we'll all be nice and toasty warm in here.
Did you say fifteen hours? PAUL: Mhm.
It's all right.
We'll head to bed early, warm ourselves up.
We don't have any running water at the cottage in the winter, so ah.
You don't have any running water? - No.
- No one told me that.
You didn't mention it when you said we'll come here for the weekend.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
(DRAMATIC CHORD) MONICA: Is there a bathroom? Oh just head outside, look for the yellow snow.
I've already been.
HARRITY: Yeah and if you need to go number two you're just gonna want to grab one of those plastic poop bags right up there by the door.
- Is that for real? - PAUL: Mhm.
And when you're done just hang it on a branch, that's what I do.
It'll be your bag for the weekend.
But just make sure you hang it on a lower branch, hun, you know, you don't want to mix it up with Paul's.
How would it mix up? Well he's got a big colon and it hangs low.
Um I'm good, I don't have to go anymore.
(DRAMATIC CHORD) SCOTT: But, hey, uh, which way to our bedrooms? Oh.
No no, ah, we've closed off the bedrooms.
HARRITY: So we'll just, ah, drag a mattress in here and we're all gonna sleep in the living room family style.
Bedroom, huh.
I'm so sorry.
But I have to go to the bathroom.
PAUL: Finally.
You know where the bags are, don't ya? PAUL: Perfectly natural, my friend.
- MRS.
- Enjoy.
Do you have any bags that aren't see-through? Why would you want that? I just think it's pretty obvious.
Not to us.
- Well it's a health check.
- MONICA: Okay.
PAUL: You let her have a look.
She'll diagnose everything.
HARRITY: Take your time.
So we're all just gonna sleep in here? Yeah.
Strip off your clothes, throw on some jammies and we'll have a good old fashioned slumber party.
PAUL: Here, try that on.
(SQUEAKING) (DRAMATIC CHORD) - You good Scott? - Yeah, super cozy, yeah.
- PAUL: There she is.
- MRS.
A little bit lighter, huh.
Come on Monica, get in here.
Try on one of these nightshirts.
Come on.
I'm so sorry, I didn't I couldn't, there wasn't a branch.
I didn't know what to do with it.
HARRITY: Don't worry about it.
Put it right here.
Yeah, no, it's okay.
I'll put it by the door.
It's a stinky one, honey.
Does that mean something? We'll put it out in the morning.
- Let's not forget.
- Ah.
A drink.
HARRITY: Oh no, this is just in case you need to pee in the night.
I've locked up the cottage so you don't want to be traipsing around at night.
Just have a tinkle in there.
HARRITY: We only got the one mattress, so we can take the first shift.
There we go.
Don't forget to take your poo, okay? Leave with what you brought.
Don't touch my shit.
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