Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e12 Episode Script

Back of the Line Old Man

Oh, it looks so good.
Excuse me, sir.
How long did you have to wait to get that ice cream? Ashley? Dad? Oh my god.
My sweet Ashley! Oh my god! Dad! Mom and I thought you left us.
No, honey.
I was just getting charcoal ice cream.
Oh, oh my god, Dad.
- Oh, ooh.
- Oh.
Oh no.
Oopsy daisy.
That sucks.
Back of the line old guy.
But Sorry dad, rules are rules.
Err, err, err, err.
You taught me that, remember? - You're like, rules are rules.
- Yeah.
No cutting in line.
I like your beard.
I'll say hi to Mom for ya.
I didn't introduce myself.
Oh, it's alright.
I can't actually remember his name.
Fair enough.
It's been a long time.
All right.
Let's step forward.
Let's get this ice cream.
Woohoo! Oh that's lovely.
Who are those from? From me to the office.
I know I was kind of a bitch last week, so I thought I'd try and show you how much I care.
That's nice of you.
What's nice of you? Oh, well, look at the flowers Sandra brought in? Isn't that sweet? So sweet.
So sweet.
Ah, Sandra, can I talk to you for a sec? What's up? I know you probably didn't do this on purpose, but uh, being nice around here is, is kinda my thing.
What do you mean? Well, I mean that I'm, I'm known as nice Carol.
So I can't be nice too? Not really.
Look, this is so hard for me, 'cause I'm trying to say it in the nicest way possible.
You're the nice one.
Okay, fine.
Sure, go ahead.
I mean, I guess that means that no one else in the office can be nice if you're the nice one, but that's fine.
Are you being passive aggressive? Oh no, it's cool.
I'm just usually passive aggressive, but if you want to take my thing and leave me with nothing, I'm totally fine with nothing.
This is total utter bullshit! Wow.
Friggin' wow! Don't even think about muscling in and being the volatile one! You back off, sister! You just back off! Really sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
But um, I'm the sorry one around here.
What the hell is happening? Ah nope, I'm the confused one.
This is not my desk.
You know what? I give up! You're all pathetic that you need to define yourselves this way.
But I guess it's true what they say: small minds really do think alike.
- Finally, the bitch is back! - The bitch is back.
- What was wrong with you?! - This is Sandra.
Get back to work losers.
Wait, what are we doing? Whose desk is this? I don't work in this office.
I didn't think so, but I wasn't sure.
And, you're all done.
Sorry what? Your massage is over.
You just lie here as long as you need, okay.
And I'll just be outside.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, you are still on the table.
Well please, you know, I'll just be outside - ready for you whenever you are.
- Okay.
Please though, take your time.
Take your time.
Oh, hi there.
Oh hey.
Just me again.
Just making sure everything's okay.
Oh yeah, it was a great massage.
I just, I enjoyed it so much.
Thank you so much.
- I'm so happy.
So happy.
- Namaste.
Namaste, I'll just be waiting for you outside.
Anytime you're ready, okay.
Take your time.
- Oh, I will.
I will.
- Okay.
Clothes are right there.
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, hey.
Oh! I'm still getting dressed.
Oh, you're getting dressed.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Sorry, don't mean to intrude.
- No no.
- Take your time.
- Okay.
Right outside.
Oh, y'all done? No, I'm just, just reading these quotes on the wall.
They're really inspiring.
Go with the current.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, Patricia, sometimes the current moves fast.
So, sometimes the current just moves fast.
Oh, oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, you must want me to get out of here so you can have your next client.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't Okay, I'll just, you know, I'll put on my clothes and I'll be on my way.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Please though, take your time.
Take your time.
Oh, oh in that case, No, I just, no, just here.
Put this on.
You said take your time.
That's just a thing we say! - You said - Get, get, get, come on! Get in here! Just a thing we saaay! Get out of here!! Goooooo! Uh, just halfway down on the lefthand side.
Good afternoon, sir.
Yeah, just the second row in.
- Good afternoon.
- Hi.
Ooh, wow, it's a full flight, huh? Yeah, we've got you in the middle of the back row.
Um, you know what? Shotgun! - What? - Yeah, called it.
Hey! She called shotgun.
What can I do? - Let's fly! Woo! - Oh, wait! Okay! - Does that ever happen to you? - Um, no, but I don't think you should take that on.
- Really? - I think you should just be proud of your choices.
- Hello.
- Oh my god! - It's so good to see you! - It's so good to see you! Oh, I'm so sorry, do you two know each other? - Hi, I'm Amy.
- Oh yeah, we've met before.
Okay, you're not going to believe this, but I was thinking about you I'm sorry, hang on.
Hang on.
I have to say, I think what you just did is incredibly rude.
Ah, pardon me? When you say we've met just to, you know, make me feel bad for not remembering you.
I'm sorry, but I just don't remember everybody that I've met.
Actually, we've met several times.
So who's the rude one? And where have we met? Well, we met last week at the Dex Vocab show.
I was with Sarah and Tabitha.
Yeah, well it was super like, smokey and loud there and there was a thousand people, so I think you'll understand that I do not remember meeting you.
Last month we were both at the Coca Conference.
We went together just you and I.
And you said to me, you were so glad that I was there because everybody was so stuffy.
Wow, Amy.
Did you get a haircut or something or? No.
Um, we both went on the girls trip to New York in May.
At the time I was six months pregnant and prematurely gave birth in the backseat of a cab.
You delivered my baby.
I named her Amy after you.
I remember New York, but I don't remember you.
We took a picture, the three of us.
And you set it as your lock screen.
And you said you were going to keep it forever because of the unforgettable memories.
Okay, I'm so sorry.
I just don't remember this.
This is so weird.
Oh, uh, that's weird.
You're not in this photo.
What? That's impossible.
Let me see.
Oh my gosh.
You're not.
I know what's going on here.
This is, this is on me.
Jess, you're my imaginary friend.
- Oh shit! - Yeah.
Really? I've been super lonely since I moved to the city and I'm not really making friends.
So, I don't know.
I just have like a really overactive imagination and, ugh, I just fell out and then I invented you.
And then you were hanging out.
So Oh.
- I mean, great! - Really? Yeah.
Well, you know, this whole thing makes so much more sense now.
I thought I was going a little crazy there.
Great! Hang on a second.
I'm not in this photo either.
Does that mean that I am also an imaginary friend? Yes.
You too.
I have no friends.
Real friends.
Holy shit.
That's, that's a lot to take in.
It probably is.
It's kind of a blow.
Well, think about how I feel, sitting here drinking by myself.
- Yeah.
- Well you know what? If I'm imaginary, then that means I don't have a visa bill next month.
So next round's on me! - Woo! - Oh my gosh! - Hey bartender.
- Cheers! Another round.
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers.
Cheers! Cheers.
Oh my gosh, you guys having fun? Yeah, I'm having like the best time ever.
You know what we should do next? Pottery class.
Who wants more wine? - I do.
- Everybody? - No thank you.
- Okay, there you go.
You guys, you know, if it ever gets that I can't enjoy a glass of wine with my friends under the trees, just put me down, put me out of my misery, help me end it.
Claire! Don't even joke about that.
What? I mean, if I couldn't ever like go outside and enjoy a meal or taste the air, you know, if I, if I wanted you to, if I asked you to as my best friend, would you do it? Oh my god.
I mean, honestly, I'm going to cry.
I'm your best friend, no.
I'd help you.
Oh, it was just hypothetical.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool cool.
So like maybe not for like a couple of years, like when you're like 50 or 52 maybe? That seems like young, but.
Well, you never know.
She could get really sick.
Anything's possible.
You know what? I'm going to, uh, pencil you in for like the spring of 2022, just to get something on the books.
How's that sound? Okay, first of all, I am not two years away from 50.
And second of all, I am not sick.
That you know of, right? In fact, no pressure, but I put this together for you guys.
It's, uh, just a little death plan for each of you.
- Oh.
- Sherry, there's yours.
Claire, take a look.
This is the floor plan to a grain silo? I just thought, 'cause you grew up on a farm, you might want to go back to the farm.
Amelia, I called yours "champagne supernova" because of the amphetamines and your Prosecco.
This is seriously messed up.
Like, I think I might be sick.
Take these pills, these'll help.
Um You guys, it's Gravol.
It's Gravol.
Cross my heart and hope you die.
Give me them back.
And while you're at it, you know what? Maybe don't drink anymore of that wine.
- Oh god.
- I mean a sip or two's fine, but I wouldn't go much farther than that.
- Okay, I'm out of here.
- You guys.
No, I think we should go to a walk-in clinic while we still can.
Come on, you guys.
What? Don't leave.
- Just to be safe.
- Guys! Sorry, I'm a follower.
So I have, there's more of them than you.
Oh, come on! It was really good.
Guys! Come on.
Oh yeah, fine, walk away.
Run away! Run away! But when you're looking for someone to kill you, don't call me! Actually do call me! Call me.
Please call me, I'll have my phone on.
Hey Magda.
Thank you so much for, um, meeting with me.
Um So, your coursework this year has been underwhelming to say the least.
You have zero interest in the subject matter.
Your assignments were lazily executed.
And you've been late or absent for more than half of the term.
But, you have over 20,000 Twitter followers.
And you're very active on rateyourprofessor.
So I think it's only fair that I give you an A.
Awesome, it's great working with you, Prof.
Ah, do it.
Five star rating.
Best class ever.
Thank you.
See you Monday! Sorry? Or not, you know, no need to come.
All right, then to sum up, the following topics of conversation are off the table for discussion.
My client's weight, haircut and life goals.
Uh, gay marriage, regular marriage, any and all mention of children.
Okay, we will just need your client to sign here.
Thank you.
This is the best we could do.
That's great.
Thank you.
All right, fantastic.
Congratulations ladies, you may proceed with your lunch.
So Mom, how are you? Did you hear what your amazing sister did? Where's my lawyer? Where's my lawyer? I'm sorry, I'm just going to have to direct your attention to subsection 6a here.
No mentioning of siblings.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I really like those pants.
They're gorgeous pants.
They look like the ones I was wearing yesterday.
I didn't think were gonna wear them again the next day.
- But here we are.
- Here we are.
My favourite part of a meeting is that time before the- - The beginning.
- The beginning, when you just don't even know what you're doing.
The assistant's sitting and you don't know what you're going to do.
Anyway, it feels really nice.
Oh sure.
Come on in.
Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Well, we so appreciate having you aboard as corporate sponsors for the Illuminati Arts Festival.
It was like when we got the call, - did we want to be a sponsor? - We said yes immediately.
- We said yes.
- Didn't have to think about it.
Do we want to part with our money for the arts, for the arts? - For me it's about being in person.
- We wanted to be here.
So we think we're pretty important.
Fantastic! Um, well Zan, would you like to show them some of the ideas we have for arts projects for this season? - Great! - Fantastic.
Can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve.
- Ooh.
- Oooh.
What's this? Well, so this first one is a play that's about the A play.
Yeah, we don't know about a play.
Well, this is super political.
It's very, you know, um - Oooh.
- The worst kind of play.
Yeah a play is really boring.
Remember the last political play you saw? Oh I didn't read a newspaper, now I don't understand it.
Oh, okay.
Is there anything else? Yes.
Well now our next project is a What am I seeing? A sculpture of a block of ice made from a block of ice.
- Not fun, you know? - Just a block of ice? Who's going to go see an ice block? - Not me.
I'm not into it.
- Not me.
Oh, well, it's a comment on our removal as a society from ice, uh, in these times of global warming.
You know what? Why don't we make it out of butter? Butter is better.
That's not really the, uh, the artist's vision.
Maybe the children can sled down the butter.
And you can maybe shape a butterball if you want.
And just have a nice little butter ball, so.
You know, I think we can make it out of butter.
Thank you, that's a great idea.
Thank you for bringing that to the table.
I'm so happy the artist wanted to make it out butter.
- I'm so happy that Ruth is happy.
- Fantastic.
Is there anything else? Yes.
A traditional Chinese opera.
Oh, like Miss Saigon.
- Oh like Miss Saigon.
- Yeah.
Miss Saigon.
I keep telling you you gotta check that out.
Yeah, I gotta check out Miss Saigon.
Yeah, there's a helicopter on stage.
There's a helicopter in it.
Never got around to seeing it though.
Yeah, there's a lot of songs.
It's, uh, the Beijing Opera.
Beijing? - From-from China.
- From China.
From China.
So not appropriating the culture.
The-the actual culture.
And, uh, so we would bring them from there and then they would perform.
- They'd come on an airplane? - Yes.
And the interactive portion would be? Yeah, what's the interactive portion of the opera? Well, uh, there's a reception afterwards? Well maybe if we got rid of all the shows and we just did the reception.
Reception is good because receptions are interactive, That's pretty interactive.
We can get togheter and we have conversations.
Like, oh, I haven't been able to talk during the entire opera.
I can finally talk.
- Silence is a bit boring.
It's not fun.
- Maybe I can have some cheese.
Maybe I can have some wine.
You know what we can do, take fun and art, put it together, call it fart.
So it's the Illuminati Farts Festival For Rich People.
- Rolls off the tongue pretty well.
- That sounds good.
Yeah I think everybody would want to take part in that, in the fart festival.
Everybody likes a good fart every day.
Yeah, definitely.
So happy to put our money behind the festival.
- Yeah.
- Dip, dip, dip, yeah.
- It's not that much money.
- No.
Oh, is that a blue hazel or a green hazel? I don't know.
Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt ladies.
No, I just wanted to know, have you had a chance to decide or do you need a few more minutes? Ah, no, no, I'm good.
I'm going to have the burger and the salad.
And for you? Oh, god, it's tough to decide.
There's so many choices.
- So many good choices, yeah.
- Yeah so many choices.
- Woo hoo.
It's a tough one.
- Yes.
Well what's, um, what's your favourite? I really like the lasagna.
It's great.
No, anything else? Oh, well I really like the burger.
- It's-it's very good.
- I've had it before.
We're known for our burger, so.
Hmm, no.
What else-what else do you like? Oh, well I like the steak.
Mmm, I don't think so.
She said she liked it.
- So she's - Mmm.
There might be something else up in that head of yours.
What else? Uh, the mussels? Well, uh, the soup of the day is excellent.
It's a roasted tomato.
Yeah but if the tomatoes have been roasted what else has happened to them, you know? Okay.
Uh, I like the chef salad.
- And who's the chef? - He's a great guy.
- His name's Marcel.
- That's a monkey's name.
You know what I like? The bread.
The bread is excellent and it's free.
Mm, it's been fingered likely.
I don't really want a fingered bread.
What else do you like? Well, I-I like the nachos.
- But I can't - Yeah, but, you know, it's not your favourite.
Okay, well, you know what? Can't go wrong with a drink.
I don't know about liquids.
They're so wet, you know? Okay, a bit forward.
A bit forward.
Alright, here we go.
A little bit back.
And a bit forward.
Okay, now back.
And now forward again.
That's weird.
And you're good! - I'm good.
- You're good.
Ah, thank you.
Oh, I'm nowhere near the curb.
Oh yeah, I just needed help flattening these chicken breasts.
I'm just making some schnitzel.
So, thank you.
I guess I could walk from here.
And how are we doing on the rent evictions? Our figures show that we're way ahead - and the law's on our side, so.
- Fantastic.
Okay, before we finish any other comments or questions? Mandy.
When-when, uh, when we hazing the new girl? Sorry, I need you to clarify that.
New girl, that one there.
When we gonna haze her? We don't do that anymore.
We found it interferes in productivity.
- Any other comments? - Ah, yeah.
I got hazed.
So she's getting hazed.
- And that's only fair.
- Um - Mandy.
- Jenna.
I don't want to even hear it.
Do you remember the blood ceremonies? Do you remember that? - Do you remember the snake trials? - Mhm.
I lived in garbage for a week, didn't I? I slept in garbage.
I ate garbage.
Now she doesn't have to do that? Oh my gosh.
Well, that's not fair.
That's just not fair! I'm afraid the partners have decided it's cruel, so.
Cruel? You guys remember when Gord peed on me? Remember that Gord? Y'all made a circle around me and you laughed and you clapped? Now I said that was cruel, but you all said it was necessary if I wanted to be a file clerk at Southwest Kitchener Ontario's seventh best law firm! Mandy, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to tie you down and dump a bucket of snakes on your face.
But my legal department tells me that that's not happening anymore.
So let's talk about it that way.
Candice! I got your name tattooed on my back.
Okay, Candice rules.
It was a stick and poke.
It took twenty minutes at lunch.
That's on me forever.
Come on! Listen, I gave one of my four sons to Karen.
Hey hey, do not make this about me.
Oh, thank you Xavier.
You're welcome.
- Good job, Xavier.
- Yeah.
And I did it all because I thought, hey, at least one day I'll be able to haze the new girl.
Hi, how's it going? And then I can know the joy that you're all feeling.
I want to know that joy.
Nobody's disputing the fact that we did enjoy ourselves during your hazing.
Then let's keep doing it! We love it! Yeah! Raise your hands if you want to keep hazing? Raise them high.
You new girl, you want it.
- Trust me.
- I don't.
- You don't want a stick and poke? - No, I really Come on, Steve.
You told me the story of your hazing.
Remember, you guys you tied his penis to a big rock, and then you rolled it down the hill and then he cried.
And then he chased it.
Do you remember that? Come on let's do that to her.
Well that's impossible.
She doesn't even have a penis.
It doesn't matter, we'll tie it to her pubes.
I have a Brazilian.
Dammit! This is bullshit! This is I quit! I'm going to start my own company - where there's only hazing.
- Have at it.
I am going to have at it.
It's going to be super fun and loads of cool Satan stuff.
Who's coming with me? Everyone.
Good, fine.
I'm going to see you at my place.
Stick and pokes for everyone.
Y'all have my name on all your frigging backs.
Lots of fun.
Let's go, guys.
Well, now that that's over.
Any other questions or comments? Anyone? Ah yeah.
I was just thinking now that we're done hazing, uh, maybe I could get some money for my reattachment surgery? Oh sorry Steve, that's not in the budget.
And by the way, anybody who uses my first name again is going to have their face dipped in acid.
- Mhm.
- Okay.

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