Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e13 Episode Script

No One Steals the Kale

Oh my God, guys.
I found the best way to release anger.
When I'm angry at someone, I just make like a watercolour pen and ink drawing of that person and then I rip it into little bits and then I light a candle.
Uh, when I need to release my anger, I just dress in teal, take some deep breaths and then I light a candle.
When I need to release anger, I find the person that I'm angry at and then I just punch them right in the nose.
Just like that.
Oh, and then I light a candle.
Mmm, that's great.
If anyone needs to empty their urine cylinders, you can do that at the farend of the gallery.
Our next exhibit is examining the era between 2014 and 2024, an era of artistic expression known as 'Paint Nite-ism'.
Oh, my great-great-great- great-great grandmother - was a Paint Nite-isimer.
- Ah.
This way people.
Historians tell us that these works were created by a group of drunk people who came together with a glass of wine and a paintbrush to create these paintings under the tutelage of a former art history minor.
- Wow.
- Mhm.
These paintings were then brought home and displayed proudly in what was called a 'guest bedroom' or, um, 'closet'.
Did they ever paint anything else? No, Paint Nite-ism is pretty much restricted to these images of Birch trees in front of orangey-pinky sunsets.
There's thousands of them.
- Thousands? - Mhm.
Hey, who were these artists? Well a full third of them were just gals named Tracey who had something called a 'Groupon' and thought it sounded fun.
And the rest? Ah, gals named Janet who had a 'Groupon' and-and thought it sounded fun, so.
The artist up close.
I drink wine and paint.
It's important to note that in the early 2000s everyone identified as an artist.
- That's nuts.
- I know.
Okay, I'm going to take you to another exhibit now, circa 2018, 'Duck Face Portraiture' and 'Yarn Art'.
So in short, there are so, so many ways that you can reduce your global footprint.
And if we all do our part, together we can make a change.
And there is this cool tote in it for whoever wins the office contest.
Thank you.
Hey, yeah, um, I just had some thoughts.
Mhm? Doesn't your initiative set up a giant false equivalency? Framing our planet's degradation as a matter of individual responsibility, completely ignores the role that corporate pollution plays in the death spiral we're currently locked in.
You know what I'm saying? I mean, me having a steak once a week, there's no way that offsets the fact that our company destroys acres of rainforests in the third world every day, just to cultivate Palm oil.
And the resulting pollutants comprises like, 11% of our global carbon emission.
Did you know that? I bet you didn't.
You know what, if we all disappeared today, you know who would stand up and applaud? Literally every single organism on the planet, except for maybe like our gut biome and a couple of domestic cats.
But otherwise I think that we need to recognize that your cute little tote with the little globe that's smiling on it, yeah, this is also by the way, insidious marketing.
And it's going to end up in a landfill.
It does nothing to remove the curses that our grandchildren are going to place on our heads for allowing this apocalypse to happen! It's signed by Mark Ruffalo.
Oh my god! Oh my god, Mark Ruffalo! Did you meet him? I did.
He is so adorable.
And he's just little so, you know, smaller global footprint.
It's just so crazy.
I'm totally gonna win that.
Oh, you go Karen! Yeah, I'm gonna frame it and I'm gonna wear it.
So fuck all y'all.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That's some language.
Remember these words.
So that was Karen, everybody.
She's fiery.
- Shannon, hey! - Hey.
Oh my god, how random running into you here.
I mean, wow.
Like what's going on? Whatcha doing? What's happening? Oh, what's happening? Well, I-I was just at my father's funeral.
Just coming home from grieving that death.
So, I guess that's what's going on.
Oh my god.
Actually I was really, um, offended that you didn't show up today because, you know, my father held you in very high esteem, actually.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know that he passed.
I don't think I missed any calls or a text or anything.
Well, it was all over my Instagram story, so.
I let everyone know.
Oh, uh, yeah, I don't, um, I don't watch your Instagram stories.
Sorry, I-I don't understand.
You mean you didn't watch this story or, or you don't watch any of my stories? I don't watch any of them.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's not you, it's me.
I mean, it's just, I don't like Instagram stories, like, like at all.
I mean, it's just like they're endless snippets of boring people's lives that just go on and on and on and on and on.
Like a picture of your dog that says 'sock thief' in big letters.
Or like, you know, your morning coffee and it's a video and it just kind of zooms in softly with the music that goes, ba-na-na-na-na-na-bling.
I just, I hate them.
Wow, way to shit on my life.
You could have just said you didn't watch my story.
You didn't have to sort of go into all the detail of everything about me that you hate.
Yeah, I can see how that would have been a better thing to say to you at, um, this particular point in your grief.
- In my grief, yeah.
- Yeah.
Um, so how was the funeral? It was good.
Actually, it was really good.
Here, let me show you some highlights from my Instagram.
- I've got some on here.
- Nope.
No, no.
- What? - No, I'm sorry for your loss.
Hard out.
Loved your dad.
- Blah.
- What? No, I can't.
Are we still on for Friday? Hey.
I'm so sorry, I can't.
I don't have a sitter.
Sorry about that.
How come no one steals the kale? Huh? Ah.
Of course, I would love to help you.
Okay, okay.
Next week.
Okay great, bye.
Hello? Hi Sam.
Oh, that looks amazing.
I could really use a coffee.
- This? - Yeah.
- Do you want this? - Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Oh my god, thank you.
Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't, don't, don't.
- Okay.
- Wait, hold, hold it.
- Okay, I've - Don't move, don't move.
- I'm not moving.
- Come in, come in, come in.
- Okay.
- Three, two, one.
What just happened? That was a self-lessie.
Excuse me? A self-lessie.
It's like a selfie, but you only take it when you're doing something for someone else.
- That is not a thing.
- It's a thing.
It's a thing.
Everybody doing it.
Look, check this out.
- Look, this is me.
Yeah? - Mhm.
Looking super hot giving change to a homeless dude.
- Okay.
- Check this action out.
And this one, I volunteer.
I teach English as a second language Uh, is that, uh Chocolate sauce Oh, got it.
- On my - Yep.
- And this is my favourite one.
- Oh yeah? Yeah, this is me euthanizing my grandma.
What? Your grandmother's death makes your ass look fantastic! I know.
Wow! That is a hot little booty.
My ass is amazing.
- Your ass is amazing.
- My ass is amazing.
- Check it out.
- An amazing Ass.
Paula McCloud, Carbon tariffs in the late anthropocene.
Congratulations, Dr.
- Thank you, Dean.
- Well done.
Thank you.
PhD in Environmental Studies! - You did it! - Yeah! - Congratulations, Doctor! - Thank you.
Are you going to go the tenure track road or what? Or are you going to throw yourself into research? Uh yeah, I don't think I'm going to do any of that actually.
Okay, then why would you spend 7 years to get your PhD in Environmental Studies? Oh, I have to go to my father-in-law's for Thanksgiving next weekend and I need an airtight argument in favour of the carbon tax.
It's a long meal and it's been an ongoing thing, so.
Yeah, I became a medical doctor just to convince my cousin that measles vaccines are a thing and it didn't work.
She's dead.
- Sorry about that.
- I'm not.
Should we go get drunk? Yes! - Yeah, definitely.
- Definitely.
Make sure you share, Allegra! Gonna have a nap? Terrible twos, huh? Oh yeah.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, honestly he's adorable.
Oh, okay, well, you know, you can-you can have him if you want.
Oh, don't tempt me.
No seriously, he's You can take him.
I just might.
Here we go, look.
Oh, here, I'm genuinely giving him to you.
What? Yeah, this is really happening.
No, uh Okay.
Can I have a kiss? Love ya.
Bye, bye Devin.
You got it.
I just got my life back.
What? Nothing.
By nothing, do you mean something? No it's just this article that I was just reading referenced a video that I saw once and the video is so disgusting.
I just, I want to barf every time I think about it.
Ooh, what is it? Oh, no, no.
I can't tell you.
- Come on.
I can handle it.
- You can't handle it.
- I can.
- You can't.
Oh, is it-is it that one with the monkey that smells dog shit, - falls over? - It's worse.
Is it two girls one cup? - Worse.
- Oh.
Okay, is it that one where there's that guy and he's got that massive zit on his back and it's so big that they can't pop it now And it's like all the kids are in a circle and some of them are like, "Oh my god, I love it"? And the girl's like "What are we doing?" - Yes! That's the one! - Shh! - Oh, sorry.
- Sorry.
It's worse.
You have to tell me.
Okay, fine.
I know.
I warned you.
I'm so sorry.
- What is wrong with you? - I didn't make this video.
Ya done! I'm sorry.
What colour was the wig? It was black.
- Oh! - It was weird.
I'm sorry.
I just saw it.
I just, I'm the innocent one here.
I'm sorry.
Guys, stop what you're doing.
- Oh hey.
- Oh.
What's? Is it meant to be? - How does it? What is it? - I don't.
I think it's finally happened.
I, I think I've I've aged out of fashion.
What? No.
No, you're too young.
- I'm 48.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, I'm not I don't get it.
Oh you wouldn't thirty something.
You put on a frumpy blouse and you still look cute.
What's wrong with this blouse? If I were that blouse I would look like my mother circa 1986 in a bad way.
Another sign that I've aged out of fashion, the 80s are back and it's not the cool shit that we wore, it's the frumpy ass shit our moms wore.
Is this why young people make me so mad? One of the reasons.
I mean, I can't take it! I'm sure we can find you something to wear.
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
- We can do it.
- We're gonna do it.
- If we just put our minds to it.
- Yeah.
- Okay, here comes the first look.
- Okay.
- Ooohhmm.
- No.
No that's bad.
My grandmother has something like that that she puts on her table at Christmas.
- That's what it is.
- That's what it is.
Nnnyangyang, no no.
I'm gonna pass.
- Ooooohhhkay.
- Yeah.
Black is good.
Black is good.
I feel like it's missing something like maybe a chunky necklace or some Oh my god.
I'm in my statement jewellery years.
Oh honey, no no no no no, it doesn't have to be a statement necklace.
It could be a statement glasses or What did I-what did I say? Her mother was dead for a month before anyone noticed 'cause she had so many statement pieces on that nobody kept track of the fact that she wasn't talking.
- Jesus Christ.
- I know.
It looks like you're playing a traffic cone in a school play.
If a dry vagina was made into a garment this would be it.
It does nothing for my body! It came with a fanny pack.
Don't, it's not gonna help it.
Yes! - I'm loving the silhouettes.
- That's fine that.
- Yep, yep.
- Okay, great.
Winner, all right, awesome.
Oh, no no no no.
No? So that's it.
It's over.
Well, no there is, um, one thing.
What? Please tell me.
It's extreme and it requires incredible discipline.
What? I'll do anything.
Please! It's time for you to develop your signature look.
Siganature look.
- Oh look at you! - Yes! Look at your legs! - Yeah, top to bottom.
- Yes, what do you think? I love it! It's hip, it's flattering, and it's kind of punk rock.
- I love it.
- And it's kinda 80s, no? Would you shut up.
- I'm gonna kill you.
- Nooo.
Ow! I just got bitten again.
Are you guys getting bitten? - No.
- No? No.
I can't believe we drove four hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic only to get to this leaky bug infested cabin.
Beds are lumpy.
There's no Wi-Fi.
And I am not mellow with it being yellow.
Ow! Owww! Seriously, you're not getting bitten? No.
Okay, you know what? That's it, I'm going inside.
This is ridiculous.
Dude, why did you invite her to the cottage? Such a downer.
The bugs, they love her.
- What? - Yeah they do.
Hey! Kate! You should probably come back out here because we're cracking open another beer.
I'll let you French braid my hair! I can't wait to talk to you more about what a terrible time you're having.
Oh, okay.
Oooh, that's sweet! Julia! Are you serious? These were supposed to be on my desk at 10:00 AM.
You're on thin ice.
- Sorry.
- Sorry about that.
Why do I always procrastinate? Oh.
Can we throw this out? No way.
What if we need it? Well then, I don't know, maybe we'll use one of these 5 billion other containers we have.
Seriously, these things are taking over.
Maud, don't you think you're being a little dramatic? Am I Doug? Oh.
Honey, did you say something to me? Hmm.
Whah! Oh! Ha-ha Doug, very funny! Oh.
Doug, can you check the fusebox? Doug? Doug? Doug? Ahhh! Jesus, Doug! I told you I wasn't going to throw them out.
Doug? Ah! Ah! And she was never seen again.
Brad! Come on! It happened, I swear.
You're watching too much TV, okay.
All I'm saying is that too much Tupperware can be a dangerous thing.
Okay, fine.
Do you want to watch Top Chef? I'll, uh, set up the DVR.
- Okay.
- Okay, don't be long.
I won't.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
I'll take care of this stuff.
Oh, hi there Maud.
Hey, hey! Are you going to let me out? This is what happens to people who try to throw away the Tupperware in the house.
Please! I promise I'll never throw it out again! Ever! Oh Maud.
Look at you all trapped in there.
Let me out! Brad, help me! You know what? I'm going to put you back in the drawer with all the other Tupperware.
No, please don't put me back in the drawer! I hate the drawer! Nightie night.
Nightie, night.

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