Based on a True Story (2023) s01e06 Episode Script
Love You, Buzzfeed
1
You know what it's
like to be nameless ♪
Want them to know what your name is ♪
When I grow up, I wanna be famous ♪
I wanna be a star,
I wanna be in movies ♪
When I grow up, I
wanna see the world ♪
Drive nice cars, I
wanna have groupies ♪
Babe, we did it! Oh, my God, okay.
- Here's another one. You ready?
- Yeah.
"VICE Magazine," "'Based
on a True Story,'
real or hoax?
The podcast that's gripped the nation."
- Holy shit.
- [GASPS]
- Keep going.
- Yep, we got one
from BuzzFeed: "Top ten
moments you can't miss
from 'Based on a True Story.'"
- Love you, BuzzFeed.
- Another amazing one.
"New York Times Magazine,"
"Bill Kristol and Noam Chomsky debate,
'What does "Based on a True
Story" say about America?'"
It says, the best
- country ever!
- Oh, my God.
Charli D'Amelio tweeted
"My new favorite obsession!
#basedonatruestory!"
- Who's Charli D'Amelio?
- I loved her
from "Dancing with the
Stars." She won last year
- Okay.
- But she also has, like,
150 million followers on TikTok,
- so we are fucking viral, babe!
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]
Uh-oh, look who's callin' here.
Okay. Hey, you see the Daily Beast?
[DRAMATICALLY] Who is the voice
of "Based on a True Story"?
Can you believe that?
Man, we are everywhere.
Right?
How far away are you?
I'm just on Sunset. I'll see you soon.
'Cause see, when I was younger ♪
- Why did she invite him?
- I don't know.
It's like, if I know someone,
she has to know them too.
My friend has to be her friend.
If I have a plumber, she
has to have the same plumber.
- It's like, fuck off.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be a fucking great party.
Be careful what you wish for ♪
'Cause you just might get it ♪
- Hey ♪
- You just might get it ♪
- Hey ♪
- You just might get it ♪
[LAUGHING]
- All right.
- Hi, guys.
- Wow.
- Welcome. Hi.
- Beautiful in here.
- Oh, thank you.
- You look amazing. You're huge.
- Thank you.
- Uh
- Hi.
- Hi, girls.
- So good to see you.
- You guys look gorgeous.
- This dress
- Cut two dresses
- Stop.
- And put it together.
- No, you did not.
- Hi!
- Tory!
- Hi, sis.
- Hello.
Little kid.
You need a sweater.
- Oh, hi.
- No, let it all out.
- How was school?
- I just graduated.
- You look smarter.
- Looking for a place to stay,
you know, before baby
comes and kicks me out.
Oh, my God, no one is kicking you out.
- Is there food yet?
- Yeah, inside.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Who's your date?
- [GASPS] Tinder guy.
Uh, no, actually, Bumble guy. Jacob.
Another fuckfest.
Oh, no, it's, like, a little early.
- Is it?
- Alcohol?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes, yes.
- I see this.
- Bye.
- Holding hands.
Intimate.
I used to hate these things.
I always got outbid.
- Not anymore, babe.
- Not anymore.
Look at this watch.
Ten-day vacation
Four Seasons in Maui.
Ooh, I like that one.
- What else we got here?
- A little wine tasting at home?
That would be nice too.
A brick.
- What is that?
- "A single brick salvaged
from the last Manhattan
residence of Edgar Allan Poe"?
A creepy brick owned by a horror writer?
- I have to have that.
- Early anniversary present?
- [EXCLAIMS] That is so mine.
- It's gonna be yours, baby.
- It also works as a weapon.
- Hey, it's my two favorite people.
- Hey, Matt.
- Hey.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Hey. [LAUGHS LIGHTLY]
I didn't know you were coming.
- Well, surprise.
- Yay. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Great. Yeah.
And it's great that you
guys um, how are you?
You know what? We are awesome.
Yeah, and we have Nathan to
thank because he set us up.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I no, I didn't.
I I definitely didn't set you up.
No, no, you did. You did, remember?
I I said he was hot,
and then you said he was good people.
Buddy, thanks.
- I owe you.
- I didn't
Good people? [LAUGHS DRILY]
Oop, excuse me.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God, these canapes are amazing.
Ugh, I know. I've had, like, 17 of them.
- [SIGHS]
- Uh
[LIGHT AMBIENT MUSIC]
Uh [SCOFFS] Carlos is here.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You invited Carlos?
Yes. I want all my friends here.
Oh, my God. You invite him to, like,
socialize too?
Well, this is the first one,
but Simon doesn't care.
- Hey.
- See?
All good.
You guys are so fucking weird.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, guys.
Bring it in.
Look at these new numbers.
15 million downloads.
That's a lot of fuckin' money.
Yeah, that's a lot of money.
- Like, a million dollars.
- Can you believe that?
Can you believe that?
Yeah, but you know what
the next question is?
How do we make it bigger?
Okay, let's just enjoy this moment.
We gotta push it. Look.
I went on a bit of a
deep dive on Reddit.
Okay, 24% of our fans,
they want me to keep talking
about my greatest hits
over and over like
I'm Billy fucking Joel,
but 76%, guess what they want?
- Don't say it.
- Fresh new content,
- motherfuckers.
- BOTH: No.
- No.
- Yeah. Yeah.
We're not talking about that anymore.
- They said it.
- Faking it worked pretty good in Vegas.
The fake was great. It was
great. It was a one-time thing.
- How 'bout a two-time thing?
- It was great.
- No, we've gotta listen
- Why?
to our 15-million fanbase,
and we gotta keep it real for them.
Okay, listen to this.
Spotify is talking about
a $20-million deal with us.
- Yeah.
- So how 'bout that's keeping
- shit real, bro?
- That's keeping it real real,
so just keep your shit together,
don't fuck it up, and just keep cool.
Offer's comin' in any minute.
We're all gonna be rich.
Okay. Great.
- Got it?
- I got it, yeah.
- Don't fuck this up.
- Okay, don't fuck it up.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
[LINE TRILLING]
Yeah?
[GASPING]
♪
Okay, ready? Oh, good catch.
Good boy. Come here. Come here.
Come here, boy, you handsome boy.
Ooh. [LAUGHING] Oh, good catch.
Oh, Duke is such a handsome boy.
- Come here.
- Hey.
Do you wanna try this edible flower?
Do you think we could get the dog back?
Uh, sorry, what? [LAUGHS]
- Are you kidding?
- I just I
- [LAUGHING]
- I'm really feeling like
he wants to come home.
Okay, babe. We gave them the dog.
You can't ask for
something like that back.
- That's insane.
- We gave him the dog
because our yard was too small.
- Yes.
- But that's about to fucking change.
We're gonna have a huge yard.
He should come home.
I mean, look look at the way he's
he throws the ball like such a pussy.
He's like
- Anybody see that?
It is kind of a lame throw.
- Right? Just like
- Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you can steal the dog back.
Good catch, Duke!
His name is McEnroe.
It's not Duke, and he knows it.
You gotta let it go, okay?
We can't ask for the dog back.
Okay, fine. We'll buy him back.
[SIGHS] You know how
much Simon loves this dog?
- He does. He's obsessed.
- [LAUGHS]
He sleeps in the guesthouse with him.
Do you think I give a shit?
Hey, pal.
It's us. He's look he's looking at
- Babe, he's not looking at us.
- He's looking at us.
No, he's not. You can't take something
- like that away.
- Hey.
That's that's nuts.
Yeah, um, can I
can I grab you for a second? I just
- Yeah.
- I need a hand.
Yes. Please don't steal the dog, okay?
Come here, Duke. Come to me. Come to me.
Oh, come here. Good catch.
Good boy. Come here. Come here.
Okay, Duke.
Go get it.
Oh, good catch. You're
such a handsome boy.
Bring it back. Bring it back.
Just love this room!
It's so beautiful. Where
are the party favors?
- You hiding them up here?
- Ava
Also, you have no pictures.
- It's really weird.
- Hey, are you okay?
What?
[CURIOUS MUSIC]
What what is that?
- [LAUGHS]
- I don't know. You tell me.
I saw it fall out of
your pocket at CrimeCon.
I've I've never seen
that before in my life.
You've never seen this
before in your life?
- No.
- Ever?
- No.
- Okay.
"WTF? You killed Dahlia?
You made a podcast without us?
Meet us outside in the corridor now."
You're "Based on a
True Story," aren't you?
The [LAUGHS]
"Based on a" the
the the podcast?
Ava, I-I just I wanna help you.
- Are you in danger?
- No.
Because I I called the number
on this phone, and Matt answered.
I don't no. What?
He's the Westside
fucking Ripper, isn't he?
What is going on?
- Okay
- Why why are you doing this?
- Is is he threatening you
- It's not what you think.
- Or Nathan?
- Oh, my God, no.
It's not it's not like that at all.
No? Then what is it?
Because it says right here
that he killed that girl in Vegas.
Okay, is that why you
invited Matt tonight?
So you could ask me about this?
I mean, I invited him to find out
if he's the guy so I
so I could help you,
but if you don't want my help,
I'll just go to the cops with
No, no, no. No, no,
no. No, no, no, no, no.
There's no we don't need
to let's just all calm down.
No cops. You don't need to call anybody.
Oh, fuck. Okay. I'm
gonna tell you the truth.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Nathan and I are broke.
We we were gonna lose the house.
- What?
- I know, and Matt was over,
and we started talking, and it turns out
he's a he's this, like,
crime fanatic junkie like us.
So the three of us decided
to make a fake podcast
where Matt pretends to
be the Westside Ripper.
So Matt is pretending
to be a serial killer?
I know. When you say it like that,
it sounds really bad, but
it-it's so bad and and fucked up.
I know it sounds like
that, but we were desperate,
desperate, completely desperate, and
and then Matt, like, he
got, like, really into it,
and he pretended he was the guy
that pushed that girl off the roof.
And people got obsessed.
They couldn't get enough of it.
So you're saying that
all of this is is fake
and that guy's just a plumber?
- Yes!
- Because this looks pretty fucking real to me.
Well, good.
We [LAUGHS] We got you.
That's good.
That [SPLUTTERS]
Come on.
Do you think that I would be in
business with a real serial killer?
I mean, you sound insane.
That would be the biggest
fucking stupidest thing
I could do, right?
Right?
- Yeah.
- Right.
Please don't tell anybody.
Truly, like, I I literally
dragged Nathan into this shit show.
There's a baby coming.
Our lives could be over.
Please.
Okay.
Okay. Yeah, no, no, no. I I
I won't say a word.
[SIGHS] Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Wow. [LAUGHS]
I got to admit, this is
this is kind of genius.
"Based on a True Story"
is based on a fake story.
- I know.
- I-I wish I'd thought of it.
Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- [SIGHS]
- I got your back.
- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
- Let's go back outside.
Duke, Duke. Duke.
- Duke.
- McEnroe. See?
He likes McEnroe. McEnroe.
McEnroe, right there.
[THE COWSILLS' "THE RAIN,
THE PARK, & OTHER THINGS"]
Good boy.
Yes! Come on, buddy.
- Come here. Come here.
- Come on, buddy.
She sat there and smiled at me ♪
Come to me, Duke. Come to me, Duke.
[LAUGHS]
Good boy.
Make me happy ♪
- Ready? Go.
- Okay.
I I got it. Okay, here we go.
- Go get it.
- [DOG BARKS]
Here boy. Come on.
[BOTH CALLING]
- Here, boy. Come on.
- Duke.
- Hey, hey.
- Come on.
Bring it to me. Bring it to me, to me.
- Me, me.
- McEnroe, look at me.
Come here, pal. Come here, pal.
Look at me. Come here.
- Bring it to me. To me.
- Duke. Duke!
She seemed so sweet and kind ♪
[LAUGHING] Come to me, Duke. Come to me.
Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
Yay oh!
- Aah!
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Help! Help!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
♪
I'm gonna getcha outta here.
I turned around and she was gone ♪
- Where did she go? ♪
- And all I had left ♪
Was one little flower in my hand ♪
- But I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- She had made me happy ♪
- Happy ♪
- Happy ♪
She had made me very happy ♪
- Flowers in her hair ♪
- Hair ♪
Flowers everywhere ♪
- McEnroe.
- Duke.
- McEnroe.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
- Bring it to me.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
- Duke!
- Look at me.
- Come to me. Come to me.
- McEnroe.
Come to me. Yeah, yeah.
- Oh! Oh, don't
- Good boy.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
Hi. Hi.
You good?
Um, yes.
Yes, I'm good.
Everybody, please take a seat inside.
Dinner first, and then the auction.
Yeah, he likes me so
much better than Simon.
- I know.
- Let's get that fuckin' brick.
Hey, did you call me before?
Uh, it was a butt-dial, sorry.
- Really?
- Yep.
Where's the trust, partner?
[TENSE MUSIC]
The same caterer did my our wedding.
- I didn't know that.
- Uh-huh.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- Hm?
- [DOG WHINES]
- Absolutely.
- It's great.
- Okay.
- I wish he would take
- an interest in my
- I mean
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[LAUGHS]
- You tried your cake?
- No.
Goodness. [GASPS]
Thank you.
Nice to see you.
So are you a part of the crew now?
Hey, did you crush those midterms?
Yeah, I'm going to UCLA Law in the fall.
- Oh, my God. Congrats.
- Yeah, thanks.
So we're gonna see a lot more of you.
- Yeah, a whole lot more.
- Awesome.
"Crushed those midterms"?
So a sign of the times,
I tried to put an ad
on that hot true crime podcast,
"Based on a True Story."
- Hot.
- Brilliant.
Such a hot show.
- Is that not a genius idea?
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah.
- I love that.
- Oh, my gosh, it gets me hot.
- So brilliant.
- It's so good.
- I think it's fake.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, like, the, um
the Orson Welles thing?
Uh, "War of the Worlds"?
It could be just street theater.
Absolutely not. Are you kidding me?
You heard this guy's voice?
That's a stabby voice.
- What?
- I buy it 100%.
- That guy is the killer.
- Mm.
- You should just ask them.
- There's no chance.
- [GASPS] Yeah.
- You never talk to anybody.
- Oh.
- No, you
you email a shell corporation.
You pay them in crypto.
Nobody knows where they
are or who they are.
- Wow.
- I wouldn't pay them a cent.
Paul, the guy is killing people.
Okay, Richard.
Last time I checked, there is
still free speech in America.
Okay, even if that speech is about
how you just killed someone?
Yeah, especially then.
You you wanna
outlaw offensive speech?
Who decides what goes on the list?
Me? You?
I listen to it, and I think
it's totally fucking disgusting.
I think that you're right.
I think that it's all true.
I think he's a serial killer.
And I think the people
that are helping him
are far worse than he is.
- Oh. What people?
- Preach, sister.
- There's an interviewer.
- Hm?
- Don't say that.
- Right? I mean, somebody
- No, that's not your word.
- Has to be helping him.
The Westside Ripper has
some kind of brain defect,
but these parasites are
making money off of him.
They should go to prison
longer than he does.
- [COUGHS]
- That's a very good point.
No, they really should.
- Think about it.
- Mm.
I don't know. I
there's nothing wrong with makin' money.
I love money. You love money.
You love money.
Money's great.
Puts food on the table,
puts our kids through school.
Carlos loves money. Right?
What?
Can't open your gym on the
East Coast without money, right?
Uh, it certainly would help, yeah.
Mm, guys, I think it's time
to start bidding on the items, right?
I just wanna say I love
Carlos' business plan.
- Oh, my God.
- And I
I want to invest in it.
Wait, you you want
to invest in my gym?
Yeah, I want to finance
the whole thing by myself.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
- Well, that's
- [LAUGHS]
Wait, are you serious?
100%.
- Great.
- Yeah?
When do we start?
♪
- [DISHES CLATTER]
- Now.
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
[SHARPLY] Now.
Like, right now.
Immediately.
Immediately?
[LAUGHS] He's joking.
He's just
Go pack a bag,
go to LAX,
get on the red-eye, go
to New York, get to work.
It's gonna take a couple of years.
I'm gonna need you there the whole time
overseeing construction, the plans,
and you're not gonna be
able to come back here ever.
♪
Why you doing this?
- Hm?
- Hm?
Why are you doing this right now?
Is it 'cause I invited him?
[LAUGHS] What?
I believe in Carlos.
I like Carlos' business plan.
Unless there's something
that Carlos loves
more than money here in LA.
Then he should stay.
♪
Okay.
I just transferred you $250,000.
- [GASPS]
- What?
[PHONE CHIMES]
[MUSIC DARKENS]
♪
When I get my investment
back, we'll go 50/50.
If it works out, I'll
finance a national rollout,
but you gotta go right now.
♪
[WHISPERS] You don't have to go.
Babe, please, stay for me.
You gotta go, Carlos.
♪
I'm sorry.
- [GASPS]
- Oh.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Are you fucking insane?
♪
Why would you do that?
Why the fuck do you even care?
[SCOFFS]
- God.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, buddy.
You got some interesting friends.
Okay, let's help some teen runaways!
[CRYING]
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that happened.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
You okay?
I know you really loved Carlos.
Oh, fuck Carlos.
[SNIFFLES] I never loved Carlos,
but fuck him for leaving.
Well, I mean, we all know
you're gonna be just fine.
- Will I?
- Yes.
'Cause I feel like I'm
pretty fucked right now.
Ava, look at my life right now.
Take a good look.
You gotta let me in on the podcast.
Okay? It's it's
literally all that I got.
♪
Okay, uh, maybe we should
talk about this another time.
No, no, no, 'cause
'cause I can help you.
You know, you you know
I'm great with marketing.
Right? And branding,
and I know this world.
And we're the "Wine
& Crime" girls, right?
- Yeah, I can't do this.
- Oh, well, I
because do you remember that guy
that guy that I had a thing
with in Cabo last year?
'Cause he's huge at Wondery,
and and he's married,
so he definitely owes me a solid.
I can get him to make
us a preemptive offer,
you know, probably a
really, really big one.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
So some guy is gonna make us
a multimillion-dollar offer
because he went down on you in Cabo?
Yeah, that is how the world works.
How do you not know that?
Okay, just trust me.
You shouldn't get involved
in this 'cause it's a mess.
Okay, hold on.
Don't come at me like
you're my friend now.
- What?
- No, I know exactly what's going on.
I mean, I know Matt's the killer.
I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.
Okay.
So if I took Matt's wine glass
and took it down to the police station,
you're telling me that his
DNA wouldn't be an exact match
to the Westside Ripper?
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
If you tell a single person about this,
I will fucking end you.
But I already told Simon.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I told him.
- You told
you told Simon? Are you insane?
- Why would you do that?
- Because he's a lawyer,
and he will protect me!
Oh, my God. He's not gonna protect you.
He fucking hates you. He
hates everything about you!
Oh, sweetie. [SCOFFS]
That's just married talk.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't believe
you would be stupid enough
to fucking tell Simon!
Oh, I absolutely am that stupid.
And why not?
I mean, it's worked pretty
well for me so far, right?
Tell me something.
Who's the one living in a
mansion in the Palisades,
and who can't afford their
mortgage in Mar Vista?
Okay, you listen to me,
you with your little 400 calories a day,
your cool sculpt, and
your amazing blowjobs
you can't stop bragging about
- They are amazing.
- Well,
not amazing enough
to keep Carlos around.
So if you wanna go steal
the Westside Ripper's wine glass,
good fucking luck.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, 'cause Nathan will bring me in
'cause he is nothing like you!
He will cut me in!
And my blowjobs are the fucking best!
[SNIFFLES]
Everyone in LA knows it
and Dubai.
900, $900. Ladies and gentlemen,
it would be a dream within
a dream if we got to $1,000.
Do I hear 1, $1,000
for the Edgar Allan Poe brick.
How 'bout a 1,200? Who'll do a 1,200?
There's a fan of blood
and murder for 1,200.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Hold on, these fuckers are
trying to steal your brick.
- $1,300.
- Okay, but
[SIGHS] I need you for one second.
- We're gonna lose the brick.
- I don't care.
Just come on.
So here's the thing don't panic
when I tell you this
but I lost the burner.
- What?
- I got it back,
but I dropped it in Vegas,
and then Ruby, she found it,
and now she's blackmailing us
- Oh, my fucking God.
- and wants in on everything.
- Ruby?
- Yes.
How did you not know you dropped it?
It was an accident! Okay?
We had been using yours.
I barely use mine. I thought it was
in my bag, but it fell out.
I know I fucked up, but
she knows everything.
She knows that Matt
is the Westside Ripper,
and she told me that she told Simon.
- She told Simon?
- Well, she might be bluffing.
- I don't fuckin' know, but
- This is fine. It's fine.
- [DOG WHINES]
- We're gonna figure this out.
But this place is toxic.
Okay? I'm telling you,
it's fucking toxic.
They're nuts. I'm taking
McEnroe outta here.
Babe, who fucking cares
about the dog right now?
Just forget the fuckin' dog.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- We have bigger problems.
- What? What?
- Oh, shit.
Alba, she just came out against us.
No, not Alba.
Jessica Alba just tweeted,
"If #BasedOnATrueStory
is true, it's sickening.
If it's fake, it might be even worse.
America, we're better than this.
#CancelBasedOnATrueStory."
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
Okay, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, my God.
Okay, maybe it's not gonna track.
Maybe no one's gonna pick this up.
Oh, shit. Malia Obama just retweeted it.
[PHONES CHIMING]
Oh, my God, so did Tom Hanks.
- Kylie Jenner.
- Oh, my God.
So did Dame Judi Dench.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, babe.
- Oh, my God.
- I know you love her.
- Are you seeing this shit?
- Yes.
- We're gonna get canceled?
- Alba fucked us.
- Okay, is there anyone that's for us?
- For us? Um
- Who is? Look.
- Kanye?
- Okay, Kanye?
Ugh, that's not good.
The dude from NXIVM.
Josh Duggar?
Jared from Subway.
- That's not good.
- That's bad.
No.
- This is fuckin' awful.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
There goes iTunes.
- We lost iTunes?
- Yes.
Okay.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
You and me, we're gettin' outta here.
We're takin' the dog. We'll
call you from the road.
You're taking the fucking dog?
Our brand is under attack.
- We gotta act now.
- [DOG WHINES]
Here's our play, okay?
The snowflakes can suck it.
We're gonna double down
just like our fans want.
- I'm gonna go out tonight
- No.
- And I will
- We are not doing that, okay?
We have to do something,
but we are not doing that.
You guys, if we don't do something,
we are gonna lose the Spotify deal.
Do you understand? So what do we do?
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.
Wait a minute. Doesn't
doesn't Ruby know Alba?
Yes. You know what? She was
her body double in "Spy Kids 4."
Remember, she had the
wig and the costume on
one night after shooting?
She loves to hold that over me.
She went down on Kid Rock.
- Someone took a photo.
- Yeah.
Why don't we get Ruby to tell Alba
that we'll release the fuckin' photo
unless she pulls the post?
Why would Alba care?
It's not her in the picture.
It doesn't matter. It looks like her.
No, the tweet's out
there. It's taken flight.
You go talk to Ruby.
I'll find out what Simon knows.
Ruby's not gonna do
shit for us right now.
- Trust me.
- It's all we fuckin' got,
- guys. Let's go. Go.
- [CLAPPING]
Big man, everyone!
[LAUGHS]
Big fuckin' man.
What kind of control freak
buys his wife's boyfriend, huh?
You're the one who invited him, honey,
in front of all of our friends.
Yeah, you know why? You know why?
'Cause you can't get it up
unless you call me "Mommy."
Do you guys know that?
What's up with that?
You miss sucking on
Mommy's titties, huh?
Yes! Yes, I do!
You know what? I actually like
sucking Mom's tits better than yours!
- [DOG BARKS]
- Guys, that's not great
- for the dog.
- Or anyone.
Even if I stitched Michael
Fassbender's foreskin
- onto Orlando Bloom's dick
- [DOG BARKING]
And Frankensteined the perfect penis,
I still couldn't get it up for you!
Are you gonna finally stroke out
and leave me with all
your daddy's money, huh?
Come on. Come on, McEnroe. Come on.
Okay, stay here, and stay quiet.
I'm gonna get you outta here tonight.
Okay? Yeah.
You think that hurt me?
You think sending him away hurt me?
- Okay!
- You can't fucking hurt me.
What do you want? You want the spa day
at the Peninsula, honey, huh?
Do you want the deep tissue?
Do you want me to buy that for you?
You're gonna continue to buy my love!
You're a fucking monster,
and you've never loved anything
in your entire life except that dog!
That's it! How pathetic
is that, everyone?
- So now it's the dog's fault?
- Oh, sure!
- Yeah, it's the dog's fault!
- [DOG BARKING]
Sure, it's the fucking dog's fault!
You want me to shut the dog up?
Yeah, go shut the fucking dog up!
Okay. I'll shut the fucking dog up!
Do you need Mommy's help?
You think you can handle that?
You got that, hon?
Goddamn it!
Hey, I know this is a terrible time.
I'm so sorry, but, um, you're
friends with Jessica Alba, right?
- Yeah.
- You are?
Yeah, she's really sweet, actually.
- Um
- Fuck off and die!
- [GUNSHOT]
- [EVERYONE GASPS]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
- [GASPING] No.
- [BANGING NOISES]
- What's he doing?
- Someone
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Uh
- No, you should stay here.
♪
Wait
- He's got a gun.
- [GASPS]
- He's got a gun.
- Oh, my God.
- [WHIMPERS]
- Oh, my God.
Watch out. Watch out!
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
[DARK MUSIC]
I shut the dog up.
[GASPS]
Oh, no.
I shut it up.
- [EVERYONE GASPS]
- Oh, my God.
Simon, please put that down.
[CRIES]
- What the fuck did you
- I shut the fucking dog up is what I did.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Okay, easy, please. Please, please.
No, no, no.
[EXHALES]
♪
I'm gonna come around you, okay?
Hey. Just focus on me.
All right?
That's good. That's good.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Man, you must be in shock.
You're not a bad person.
We all have anger in us.
I know. It's okay.
It's okay. It's all right.
It's good. Yeah, yeah. That's good.
You don't wanna do this.
Yeah. That's good.
McEnroe!
[EVERYONE TALKING NERVOUSLY]
- Okay, Tory.
- You all right?
- I got you.
- [WAILS]
I got you.
He just lost his mind?
- Oh, no!
- [CRYING]
I'm so sorry.
[WAILS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[THE COWSILLS' "THE RAIN,
THE PARK, & OTHER THINGS"]
I saw her sitting in the rain ♪
Raindrops falling on her ♪
She didn't seem to care ♪
She sat there and smiled at me ♪
- Then I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- She could make me happy ♪
- Happy ♪
- Happy ♪
She could make me very happy ♪
Flowers in her hair ♪
In her hair ♪
Flowers everywhere ♪
Everywhere ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
Oh, I don't know just why ♪
She simply caught my eye ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
She seemed so sweet and kind ♪
She crept into my mind ♪
- To my mind ♪
- To my mind ♪
Nice shot, Dad.
You know what it's
like to be nameless ♪
Want them to know what your name is ♪
When I grow up, I wanna be famous ♪
I wanna be a star,
I wanna be in movies ♪
When I grow up, I
wanna see the world ♪
Drive nice cars, I
wanna have groupies ♪
Babe, we did it! Oh, my God, okay.
- Here's another one. You ready?
- Yeah.
"VICE Magazine," "'Based
on a True Story,'
real or hoax?
The podcast that's gripped the nation."
- Holy shit.
- [GASPS]
- Keep going.
- Yep, we got one
from BuzzFeed: "Top ten
moments you can't miss
from 'Based on a True Story.'"
- Love you, BuzzFeed.
- Another amazing one.
"New York Times Magazine,"
"Bill Kristol and Noam Chomsky debate,
'What does "Based on a True
Story" say about America?'"
It says, the best
- country ever!
- Oh, my God.
Charli D'Amelio tweeted
"My new favorite obsession!
#basedonatruestory!"
- Who's Charli D'Amelio?
- I loved her
from "Dancing with the
Stars." She won last year
- Okay.
- But she also has, like,
150 million followers on TikTok,
- so we are fucking viral, babe!
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]
Uh-oh, look who's callin' here.
Okay. Hey, you see the Daily Beast?
[DRAMATICALLY] Who is the voice
of "Based on a True Story"?
Can you believe that?
Man, we are everywhere.
Right?
How far away are you?
I'm just on Sunset. I'll see you soon.
'Cause see, when I was younger ♪
- Why did she invite him?
- I don't know.
It's like, if I know someone,
she has to know them too.
My friend has to be her friend.
If I have a plumber, she
has to have the same plumber.
- It's like, fuck off.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be a fucking great party.
Be careful what you wish for ♪
'Cause you just might get it ♪
- Hey ♪
- You just might get it ♪
- Hey ♪
- You just might get it ♪
[LAUGHING]
- All right.
- Hi, guys.
- Wow.
- Welcome. Hi.
- Beautiful in here.
- Oh, thank you.
- You look amazing. You're huge.
- Thank you.
- Uh
- Hi.
- Hi, girls.
- So good to see you.
- You guys look gorgeous.
- This dress
- Cut two dresses
- Stop.
- And put it together.
- No, you did not.
- Hi!
- Tory!
- Hi, sis.
- Hello.
Little kid.
You need a sweater.
- Oh, hi.
- No, let it all out.
- How was school?
- I just graduated.
- You look smarter.
- Looking for a place to stay,
you know, before baby
comes and kicks me out.
Oh, my God, no one is kicking you out.
- Is there food yet?
- Yeah, inside.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Who's your date?
- [GASPS] Tinder guy.
Uh, no, actually, Bumble guy. Jacob.
Another fuckfest.
Oh, no, it's, like, a little early.
- Is it?
- Alcohol?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes, yes.
- I see this.
- Bye.
- Holding hands.
Intimate.
I used to hate these things.
I always got outbid.
- Not anymore, babe.
- Not anymore.
Look at this watch.
Ten-day vacation
Four Seasons in Maui.
Ooh, I like that one.
- What else we got here?
- A little wine tasting at home?
That would be nice too.
A brick.
- What is that?
- "A single brick salvaged
from the last Manhattan
residence of Edgar Allan Poe"?
A creepy brick owned by a horror writer?
- I have to have that.
- Early anniversary present?
- [EXCLAIMS] That is so mine.
- It's gonna be yours, baby.
- It also works as a weapon.
- Hey, it's my two favorite people.
- Hey, Matt.
- Hey.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Hey. [LAUGHS LIGHTLY]
I didn't know you were coming.
- Well, surprise.
- Yay. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Great. Yeah.
And it's great that you
guys um, how are you?
You know what? We are awesome.
Yeah, and we have Nathan to
thank because he set us up.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I no, I didn't.
I I definitely didn't set you up.
No, no, you did. You did, remember?
I I said he was hot,
and then you said he was good people.
Buddy, thanks.
- I owe you.
- I didn't
Good people? [LAUGHS DRILY]
Oop, excuse me.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God, these canapes are amazing.
Ugh, I know. I've had, like, 17 of them.
- [SIGHS]
- Uh
[LIGHT AMBIENT MUSIC]
Uh [SCOFFS] Carlos is here.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You invited Carlos?
Yes. I want all my friends here.
Oh, my God. You invite him to, like,
socialize too?
Well, this is the first one,
but Simon doesn't care.
- Hey.
- See?
All good.
You guys are so fucking weird.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, guys.
Bring it in.
Look at these new numbers.
15 million downloads.
That's a lot of fuckin' money.
Yeah, that's a lot of money.
- Like, a million dollars.
- Can you believe that?
Can you believe that?
Yeah, but you know what
the next question is?
How do we make it bigger?
Okay, let's just enjoy this moment.
We gotta push it. Look.
I went on a bit of a
deep dive on Reddit.
Okay, 24% of our fans,
they want me to keep talking
about my greatest hits
over and over like
I'm Billy fucking Joel,
but 76%, guess what they want?
- Don't say it.
- Fresh new content,
- motherfuckers.
- BOTH: No.
- No.
- Yeah. Yeah.
We're not talking about that anymore.
- They said it.
- Faking it worked pretty good in Vegas.
The fake was great. It was
great. It was a one-time thing.
- How 'bout a two-time thing?
- It was great.
- No, we've gotta listen
- Why?
to our 15-million fanbase,
and we gotta keep it real for them.
Okay, listen to this.
Spotify is talking about
a $20-million deal with us.
- Yeah.
- So how 'bout that's keeping
- shit real, bro?
- That's keeping it real real,
so just keep your shit together,
don't fuck it up, and just keep cool.
Offer's comin' in any minute.
We're all gonna be rich.
Okay. Great.
- Got it?
- I got it, yeah.
- Don't fuck this up.
- Okay, don't fuck it up.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
[LINE TRILLING]
Yeah?
[GASPING]
♪
Okay, ready? Oh, good catch.
Good boy. Come here. Come here.
Come here, boy, you handsome boy.
Ooh. [LAUGHING] Oh, good catch.
Oh, Duke is such a handsome boy.
- Come here.
- Hey.
Do you wanna try this edible flower?
Do you think we could get the dog back?
Uh, sorry, what? [LAUGHS]
- Are you kidding?
- I just I
- [LAUGHING]
- I'm really feeling like
he wants to come home.
Okay, babe. We gave them the dog.
You can't ask for
something like that back.
- That's insane.
- We gave him the dog
because our yard was too small.
- Yes.
- But that's about to fucking change.
We're gonna have a huge yard.
He should come home.
I mean, look look at the way he's
he throws the ball like such a pussy.
He's like
- Anybody see that?
It is kind of a lame throw.
- Right? Just like
- Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you can steal the dog back.
Good catch, Duke!
His name is McEnroe.
It's not Duke, and he knows it.
You gotta let it go, okay?
We can't ask for the dog back.
Okay, fine. We'll buy him back.
[SIGHS] You know how
much Simon loves this dog?
- He does. He's obsessed.
- [LAUGHS]
He sleeps in the guesthouse with him.
Do you think I give a shit?
Hey, pal.
It's us. He's look he's looking at
- Babe, he's not looking at us.
- He's looking at us.
No, he's not. You can't take something
- like that away.
- Hey.
That's that's nuts.
Yeah, um, can I
can I grab you for a second? I just
- Yeah.
- I need a hand.
Yes. Please don't steal the dog, okay?
Come here, Duke. Come to me. Come to me.
Oh, come here. Good catch.
Good boy. Come here. Come here.
Okay, Duke.
Go get it.
Oh, good catch. You're
such a handsome boy.
Bring it back. Bring it back.
Just love this room!
It's so beautiful. Where
are the party favors?
- You hiding them up here?
- Ava
Also, you have no pictures.
- It's really weird.
- Hey, are you okay?
What?
[CURIOUS MUSIC]
What what is that?
- [LAUGHS]
- I don't know. You tell me.
I saw it fall out of
your pocket at CrimeCon.
I've I've never seen
that before in my life.
You've never seen this
before in your life?
- No.
- Ever?
- No.
- Okay.
"WTF? You killed Dahlia?
You made a podcast without us?
Meet us outside in the corridor now."
You're "Based on a
True Story," aren't you?
The [LAUGHS]
"Based on a" the
the the podcast?
Ava, I-I just I wanna help you.
- Are you in danger?
- No.
Because I I called the number
on this phone, and Matt answered.
I don't no. What?
He's the Westside
fucking Ripper, isn't he?
What is going on?
- Okay
- Why why are you doing this?
- Is is he threatening you
- It's not what you think.
- Or Nathan?
- Oh, my God, no.
It's not it's not like that at all.
No? Then what is it?
Because it says right here
that he killed that girl in Vegas.
Okay, is that why you
invited Matt tonight?
So you could ask me about this?
I mean, I invited him to find out
if he's the guy so I
so I could help you,
but if you don't want my help,
I'll just go to the cops with
No, no, no. No, no,
no. No, no, no, no, no.
There's no we don't need
to let's just all calm down.
No cops. You don't need to call anybody.
Oh, fuck. Okay. I'm
gonna tell you the truth.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Nathan and I are broke.
We we were gonna lose the house.
- What?
- I know, and Matt was over,
and we started talking, and it turns out
he's a he's this, like,
crime fanatic junkie like us.
So the three of us decided
to make a fake podcast
where Matt pretends to
be the Westside Ripper.
So Matt is pretending
to be a serial killer?
I know. When you say it like that,
it sounds really bad, but
it-it's so bad and and fucked up.
I know it sounds like
that, but we were desperate,
desperate, completely desperate, and
and then Matt, like, he
got, like, really into it,
and he pretended he was the guy
that pushed that girl off the roof.
And people got obsessed.
They couldn't get enough of it.
So you're saying that
all of this is is fake
and that guy's just a plumber?
- Yes!
- Because this looks pretty fucking real to me.
Well, good.
We [LAUGHS] We got you.
That's good.
That [SPLUTTERS]
Come on.
Do you think that I would be in
business with a real serial killer?
I mean, you sound insane.
That would be the biggest
fucking stupidest thing
I could do, right?
Right?
- Yeah.
- Right.
Please don't tell anybody.
Truly, like, I I literally
dragged Nathan into this shit show.
There's a baby coming.
Our lives could be over.
Please.
Okay.
Okay. Yeah, no, no, no. I I
I won't say a word.
[SIGHS] Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Wow. [LAUGHS]
I got to admit, this is
this is kind of genius.
"Based on a True Story"
is based on a fake story.
- I know.
- I-I wish I'd thought of it.
Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- [SIGHS]
- I got your back.
- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
- Let's go back outside.
Duke, Duke. Duke.
- Duke.
- McEnroe. See?
He likes McEnroe. McEnroe.
McEnroe, right there.
[THE COWSILLS' "THE RAIN,
THE PARK, & OTHER THINGS"]
Good boy.
Yes! Come on, buddy.
- Come here. Come here.
- Come on, buddy.
She sat there and smiled at me ♪
Come to me, Duke. Come to me, Duke.
[LAUGHS]
Good boy.
Make me happy ♪
- Ready? Go.
- Okay.
I I got it. Okay, here we go.
- Go get it.
- [DOG BARKS]
Here boy. Come on.
[BOTH CALLING]
- Here, boy. Come on.
- Duke.
- Hey, hey.
- Come on.
Bring it to me. Bring it to me, to me.
- Me, me.
- McEnroe, look at me.
Come here, pal. Come here, pal.
Look at me. Come here.
- Bring it to me. To me.
- Duke. Duke!
She seemed so sweet and kind ♪
[LAUGHING] Come to me, Duke. Come to me.
Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
Yay oh!
- Aah!
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Help! Help!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
♪
I'm gonna getcha outta here.
I turned around and she was gone ♪
- Where did she go? ♪
- And all I had left ♪
Was one little flower in my hand ♪
- But I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- She had made me happy ♪
- Happy ♪
- Happy ♪
She had made me very happy ♪
- Flowers in her hair ♪
- Hair ♪
Flowers everywhere ♪
- McEnroe.
- Duke.
- McEnroe.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
- Bring it to me.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.
- Duke!
- Look at me.
- Come to me. Come to me.
- McEnroe.
Come to me. Yeah, yeah.
- Oh! Oh, don't
- Good boy.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
Hey.
Hi. Hi.
You good?
Um, yes.
Yes, I'm good.
Everybody, please take a seat inside.
Dinner first, and then the auction.
Yeah, he likes me so
much better than Simon.
- I know.
- Let's get that fuckin' brick.
Hey, did you call me before?
Uh, it was a butt-dial, sorry.
- Really?
- Yep.
Where's the trust, partner?
[TENSE MUSIC]
The same caterer did my our wedding.
- I didn't know that.
- Uh-huh.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- Hm?
- [DOG WHINES]
- Absolutely.
- It's great.
- Okay.
- I wish he would take
- an interest in my
- I mean
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[LAUGHS]
- You tried your cake?
- No.
Goodness. [GASPS]
Thank you.
Nice to see you.
So are you a part of the crew now?
Hey, did you crush those midterms?
Yeah, I'm going to UCLA Law in the fall.
- Oh, my God. Congrats.
- Yeah, thanks.
So we're gonna see a lot more of you.
- Yeah, a whole lot more.
- Awesome.
"Crushed those midterms"?
So a sign of the times,
I tried to put an ad
on that hot true crime podcast,
"Based on a True Story."
- Hot.
- Brilliant.
Such a hot show.
- Is that not a genius idea?
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Amazing.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah.
- I love that.
- Oh, my gosh, it gets me hot.
- So brilliant.
- It's so good.
- I think it's fake.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, like, the, um
the Orson Welles thing?
Uh, "War of the Worlds"?
It could be just street theater.
Absolutely not. Are you kidding me?
You heard this guy's voice?
That's a stabby voice.
- What?
- I buy it 100%.
- That guy is the killer.
- Mm.
- You should just ask them.
- There's no chance.
- [GASPS] Yeah.
- You never talk to anybody.
- Oh.
- No, you
you email a shell corporation.
You pay them in crypto.
Nobody knows where they
are or who they are.
- Wow.
- I wouldn't pay them a cent.
Paul, the guy is killing people.
Okay, Richard.
Last time I checked, there is
still free speech in America.
Okay, even if that speech is about
how you just killed someone?
Yeah, especially then.
You you wanna
outlaw offensive speech?
Who decides what goes on the list?
Me? You?
I listen to it, and I think
it's totally fucking disgusting.
I think that you're right.
I think that it's all true.
I think he's a serial killer.
And I think the people
that are helping him
are far worse than he is.
- Oh. What people?
- Preach, sister.
- There's an interviewer.
- Hm?
- Don't say that.
- Right? I mean, somebody
- No, that's not your word.
- Has to be helping him.
The Westside Ripper has
some kind of brain defect,
but these parasites are
making money off of him.
They should go to prison
longer than he does.
- [COUGHS]
- That's a very good point.
No, they really should.
- Think about it.
- Mm.
I don't know. I
there's nothing wrong with makin' money.
I love money. You love money.
You love money.
Money's great.
Puts food on the table,
puts our kids through school.
Carlos loves money. Right?
What?
Can't open your gym on the
East Coast without money, right?
Uh, it certainly would help, yeah.
Mm, guys, I think it's time
to start bidding on the items, right?
I just wanna say I love
Carlos' business plan.
- Oh, my God.
- And I
I want to invest in it.
Wait, you you want
to invest in my gym?
Yeah, I want to finance
the whole thing by myself.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
- Well, that's
- [LAUGHS]
Wait, are you serious?
100%.
- Great.
- Yeah?
When do we start?
♪
- [DISHES CLATTER]
- Now.
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
[SHARPLY] Now.
Like, right now.
Immediately.
Immediately?
[LAUGHS] He's joking.
He's just
Go pack a bag,
go to LAX,
get on the red-eye, go
to New York, get to work.
It's gonna take a couple of years.
I'm gonna need you there the whole time
overseeing construction, the plans,
and you're not gonna be
able to come back here ever.
♪
Why you doing this?
- Hm?
- Hm?
Why are you doing this right now?
Is it 'cause I invited him?
[LAUGHS] What?
I believe in Carlos.
I like Carlos' business plan.
Unless there's something
that Carlos loves
more than money here in LA.
Then he should stay.
♪
Okay.
I just transferred you $250,000.
- [GASPS]
- What?
[PHONE CHIMES]
[MUSIC DARKENS]
♪
When I get my investment
back, we'll go 50/50.
If it works out, I'll
finance a national rollout,
but you gotta go right now.
♪
[WHISPERS] You don't have to go.
Babe, please, stay for me.
You gotta go, Carlos.
♪
I'm sorry.
- [GASPS]
- Oh.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Are you fucking insane?
♪
Why would you do that?
Why the fuck do you even care?
[SCOFFS]
- God.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, buddy.
You got some interesting friends.
Okay, let's help some teen runaways!
[CRYING]
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that happened.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
You okay?
I know you really loved Carlos.
Oh, fuck Carlos.
[SNIFFLES] I never loved Carlos,
but fuck him for leaving.
Well, I mean, we all know
you're gonna be just fine.
- Will I?
- Yes.
'Cause I feel like I'm
pretty fucked right now.
Ava, look at my life right now.
Take a good look.
You gotta let me in on the podcast.
Okay? It's it's
literally all that I got.
♪
Okay, uh, maybe we should
talk about this another time.
No, no, no, 'cause
'cause I can help you.
You know, you you know
I'm great with marketing.
Right? And branding,
and I know this world.
And we're the "Wine
& Crime" girls, right?
- Yeah, I can't do this.
- Oh, well, I
because do you remember that guy
that guy that I had a thing
with in Cabo last year?
'Cause he's huge at Wondery,
and and he's married,
so he definitely owes me a solid.
I can get him to make
us a preemptive offer,
you know, probably a
really, really big one.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
So some guy is gonna make us
a multimillion-dollar offer
because he went down on you in Cabo?
Yeah, that is how the world works.
How do you not know that?
Okay, just trust me.
You shouldn't get involved
in this 'cause it's a mess.
Okay, hold on.
Don't come at me like
you're my friend now.
- What?
- No, I know exactly what's going on.
I mean, I know Matt's the killer.
I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.
Okay.
So if I took Matt's wine glass
and took it down to the police station,
you're telling me that his
DNA wouldn't be an exact match
to the Westside Ripper?
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
If you tell a single person about this,
I will fucking end you.
But I already told Simon.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I told him.
- You told
you told Simon? Are you insane?
- Why would you do that?
- Because he's a lawyer,
and he will protect me!
Oh, my God. He's not gonna protect you.
He fucking hates you. He
hates everything about you!
Oh, sweetie. [SCOFFS]
That's just married talk.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't believe
you would be stupid enough
to fucking tell Simon!
Oh, I absolutely am that stupid.
And why not?
I mean, it's worked pretty
well for me so far, right?
Tell me something.
Who's the one living in a
mansion in the Palisades,
and who can't afford their
mortgage in Mar Vista?
Okay, you listen to me,
you with your little 400 calories a day,
your cool sculpt, and
your amazing blowjobs
you can't stop bragging about
- They are amazing.
- Well,
not amazing enough
to keep Carlos around.
So if you wanna go steal
the Westside Ripper's wine glass,
good fucking luck.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, 'cause Nathan will bring me in
'cause he is nothing like you!
He will cut me in!
And my blowjobs are the fucking best!
[SNIFFLES]
Everyone in LA knows it
and Dubai.
900, $900. Ladies and gentlemen,
it would be a dream within
a dream if we got to $1,000.
Do I hear 1, $1,000
for the Edgar Allan Poe brick.
How 'bout a 1,200? Who'll do a 1,200?
There's a fan of blood
and murder for 1,200.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Hold on, these fuckers are
trying to steal your brick.
- $1,300.
- Okay, but
[SIGHS] I need you for one second.
- We're gonna lose the brick.
- I don't care.
Just come on.
So here's the thing don't panic
when I tell you this
but I lost the burner.
- What?
- I got it back,
but I dropped it in Vegas,
and then Ruby, she found it,
and now she's blackmailing us
- Oh, my fucking God.
- and wants in on everything.
- Ruby?
- Yes.
How did you not know you dropped it?
It was an accident! Okay?
We had been using yours.
I barely use mine. I thought it was
in my bag, but it fell out.
I know I fucked up, but
she knows everything.
She knows that Matt
is the Westside Ripper,
and she told me that she told Simon.
- She told Simon?
- Well, she might be bluffing.
- I don't fuckin' know, but
- This is fine. It's fine.
- [DOG WHINES]
- We're gonna figure this out.
But this place is toxic.
Okay? I'm telling you,
it's fucking toxic.
They're nuts. I'm taking
McEnroe outta here.
Babe, who fucking cares
about the dog right now?
Just forget the fuckin' dog.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- We have bigger problems.
- What? What?
- Oh, shit.
Alba, she just came out against us.
No, not Alba.
Jessica Alba just tweeted,
"If #BasedOnATrueStory
is true, it's sickening.
If it's fake, it might be even worse.
America, we're better than this.
#CancelBasedOnATrueStory."
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
Okay, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, my God.
Okay, maybe it's not gonna track.
Maybe no one's gonna pick this up.
Oh, shit. Malia Obama just retweeted it.
[PHONES CHIMING]
Oh, my God, so did Tom Hanks.
- Kylie Jenner.
- Oh, my God.
So did Dame Judi Dench.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, babe.
- Oh, my God.
- I know you love her.
- Are you seeing this shit?
- Yes.
- We're gonna get canceled?
- Alba fucked us.
- Okay, is there anyone that's for us?
- For us? Um
- Who is? Look.
- Kanye?
- Okay, Kanye?
Ugh, that's not good.
The dude from NXIVM.
Josh Duggar?
Jared from Subway.
- That's not good.
- That's bad.
No.
- This is fuckin' awful.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
There goes iTunes.
- We lost iTunes?
- Yes.
Okay.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
You and me, we're gettin' outta here.
We're takin' the dog. We'll
call you from the road.
You're taking the fucking dog?
Our brand is under attack.
- We gotta act now.
- [DOG WHINES]
Here's our play, okay?
The snowflakes can suck it.
We're gonna double down
just like our fans want.
- I'm gonna go out tonight
- No.
- And I will
- We are not doing that, okay?
We have to do something,
but we are not doing that.
You guys, if we don't do something,
we are gonna lose the Spotify deal.
Do you understand? So what do we do?
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.
Wait a minute. Doesn't
doesn't Ruby know Alba?
Yes. You know what? She was
her body double in "Spy Kids 4."
Remember, she had the
wig and the costume on
one night after shooting?
She loves to hold that over me.
She went down on Kid Rock.
- Someone took a photo.
- Yeah.
Why don't we get Ruby to tell Alba
that we'll release the fuckin' photo
unless she pulls the post?
Why would Alba care?
It's not her in the picture.
It doesn't matter. It looks like her.
No, the tweet's out
there. It's taken flight.
You go talk to Ruby.
I'll find out what Simon knows.
Ruby's not gonna do
shit for us right now.
- Trust me.
- It's all we fuckin' got,
- guys. Let's go. Go.
- [CLAPPING]
Big man, everyone!
[LAUGHS]
Big fuckin' man.
What kind of control freak
buys his wife's boyfriend, huh?
You're the one who invited him, honey,
in front of all of our friends.
Yeah, you know why? You know why?
'Cause you can't get it up
unless you call me "Mommy."
Do you guys know that?
What's up with that?
You miss sucking on
Mommy's titties, huh?
Yes! Yes, I do!
You know what? I actually like
sucking Mom's tits better than yours!
- [DOG BARKS]
- Guys, that's not great
- for the dog.
- Or anyone.
Even if I stitched Michael
Fassbender's foreskin
- onto Orlando Bloom's dick
- [DOG BARKING]
And Frankensteined the perfect penis,
I still couldn't get it up for you!
Are you gonna finally stroke out
and leave me with all
your daddy's money, huh?
Come on. Come on, McEnroe. Come on.
Okay, stay here, and stay quiet.
I'm gonna get you outta here tonight.
Okay? Yeah.
You think that hurt me?
You think sending him away hurt me?
- Okay!
- You can't fucking hurt me.
What do you want? You want the spa day
at the Peninsula, honey, huh?
Do you want the deep tissue?
Do you want me to buy that for you?
You're gonna continue to buy my love!
You're a fucking monster,
and you've never loved anything
in your entire life except that dog!
That's it! How pathetic
is that, everyone?
- So now it's the dog's fault?
- Oh, sure!
- Yeah, it's the dog's fault!
- [DOG BARKING]
Sure, it's the fucking dog's fault!
You want me to shut the dog up?
Yeah, go shut the fucking dog up!
Okay. I'll shut the fucking dog up!
Do you need Mommy's help?
You think you can handle that?
You got that, hon?
Goddamn it!
Hey, I know this is a terrible time.
I'm so sorry, but, um, you're
friends with Jessica Alba, right?
- Yeah.
- You are?
Yeah, she's really sweet, actually.
- Um
- Fuck off and die!
- [GUNSHOT]
- [EVERYONE GASPS]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
- [GASPING] No.
- [BANGING NOISES]
- What's he doing?
- Someone
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Uh
- No, you should stay here.
♪
Wait
- He's got a gun.
- [GASPS]
- He's got a gun.
- Oh, my God.
- [WHIMPERS]
- Oh, my God.
Watch out. Watch out!
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
[DARK MUSIC]
I shut the dog up.
[GASPS]
Oh, no.
I shut it up.
- [EVERYONE GASPS]
- Oh, my God.
Simon, please put that down.
[CRIES]
- What the fuck did you
- I shut the fucking dog up is what I did.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Okay, easy, please. Please, please.
No, no, no.
[EXHALES]
♪
I'm gonna come around you, okay?
Hey. Just focus on me.
All right?
That's good. That's good.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Man, you must be in shock.
You're not a bad person.
We all have anger in us.
I know. It's okay.
It's okay. It's all right.
It's good. Yeah, yeah. That's good.
You don't wanna do this.
Yeah. That's good.
McEnroe!
[EVERYONE TALKING NERVOUSLY]
- Okay, Tory.
- You all right?
- I got you.
- [WAILS]
I got you.
He just lost his mind?
- Oh, no!
- [CRYING]
I'm so sorry.
[WAILS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[THE COWSILLS' "THE RAIN,
THE PARK, & OTHER THINGS"]
I saw her sitting in the rain ♪
Raindrops falling on her ♪
She didn't seem to care ♪
She sat there and smiled at me ♪
- Then I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- I knew, I knew ♪
- She could make me happy ♪
- Happy ♪
- Happy ♪
She could make me very happy ♪
Flowers in her hair ♪
In her hair ♪
Flowers everywhere ♪
Everywhere ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
Oh, I don't know just why ♪
She simply caught my eye ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
- I love the flower girl ♪
She seemed so sweet and kind ♪
She crept into my mind ♪
- To my mind ♪
- To my mind ♪
Nice shot, Dad.