Baskets (2016) s03e07 Episode Script

Women's Conference

1 DALE: My mom opened a rodeo.
She's spending a lot of money on shit we don't need.
My back.
Oh You're getting sued, Mom, I'm suing you.
MRS.
BASKETS: You can't be serious.
Why are you wearing this costume? This is my French clown outfit.
You're not a French cloon.
[PHONE RINGING, PRINTER WHIRRING.]
I'm sorry about your collision, sir, but we don't cover glass eyes.
They're considered accessories.
- Martha! - Oh, my God.
- Hold on, sir.
- It's Christine.
Mrs.
Baskets, you scared me.
We're going to Vegas.
You and Chip? No, you and me.
A girls' weekend.
We're going to a businesswoman's conference.
Lori Greiner's gonna be there, from Shark Tank.
She's a real business leader.
- Well, she - Anyways, I got us a two-for-one package.
You're going, I'm going.
We get a free tote.
We're businesswomen, aren't we? Well So, what's fun to do in Vegas? You know, I could always clear up a weekend and show you around.
It's a woman's weekend, Ken.
You know, enough men have been telling me what to do.
My brother Jim.
Dale is suing me.
- Chip was mad at me.
- What? You said, wha Dale is suing you? Did you ever have any of your kids sue you, Ken? No.
It's awful that he's suing you.
I wish I could talk to his little ass.
There's no talking to him, Ken.
I've been through this.
Hey, what's the name of that steakhouse you like so much there in Vegas? Oh, the Outback.
MRS.
BASKETS: You know, Martha, this is gonna be a hoot.
That's what you guys say in the sticks, don't you? MARTHA: Um, I guess.
Steak fries, yes Well done, please And, uh, oh, a piña Virgin piña colada.
Yeah Martha, you want a colada? Oh, no, thanks.
I have a canker sore.
- Oh, just one.
- Thank you, sir.
You know hey, will we get the USA Today tomorrow? Oh, damn it.
Never mind.
I'm sorry, Dinah.
Yeah, just one colada.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, she's nice.
Hey, Martha, I almost forgot to give you this.
Your lanyard and your tote.
Thanks, Mrs.
Baskets.
Yeah.
You know what? I'll fill it up with hygiene products and give it to a homeless lady.
No, Martha, that's your tote for the seminar.
You put all your seminar package stuff in there.
I wouldn't even carry your purse.
I'd consolidate it and just carry the tote.
I think I'll just use it like an extra bag, as intended, but thank you.
Martha, what if you get bogged down? You'll be sorry.
I'll be okay, but thanks.
Okay, to each his own.
Hello?! Hello?! Good.
Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
[BEEPS.]
[SIGHS.]
Gatorades is mine.
All four of 'em.
This is mine.
These is mine.
What are you doing? I'm taking what's mine.
I reinjured my back dealing with a broken pipe on Thanksgiving, over at the rodeo, when Mom bailed on me.
This cinnamon's mine.
Jellybeans are mine.
Now I have a bulging disc between my L4 and my L5 on my spinal cord.
Right on my lumbar vertebrae.
And I got this surgeon, who comes highly recommended on Yelp and some bus stations, and he says that I need surgery, so What does this have to do with you taking stuff? Well, my surgery's gonna be very expensive, and Mom maxed out my credit card, so it's it's payback time.
You know? Need to I'll take this.
Where's my Bonnie Raitt CD? There it is.
Where is Mama? 'Cause I need to know how much time I have to loot.
I don't really need to take that.
She's in, uh, Vegas, with Martha, at a woman's conference.
Ah, Vegas.
Well, I tell you one thing.
The rodeo won't be paying for that, that's for sure.
Oh, all right.
I'll be in the shower.
I'll take this lamp.
I'll just - [BULB SHATTERS.]
- Ah My back.
Martha, can you put this in your tote? Mine's full of bric-a-brac.
- Sure, you gonna read it later? - I am.
Ooh, soft-boiled eggs.
Excuse me, ladies, I've got to hit the buffet.
So, anyway, I own a rodeo.
It's smelly, but I love it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Ooh.
I try to make it more beautiful, but people don't seem to really care.
My sons also work there, and they think they know more than me, so What do you ladies do? Well, I own a hair salon in Phoenix.
- The Hipster Snipster.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ah! Dee Dee's got Scissor Barn and Kiki's got Cut and Dry.
Oh, cute names.
And you own a salon? Oh, no, actually, I'm the CEO and owner of Chin Chan's Chinese Bistro.
Chin Chan's? Martha, the Chin Chan lady! Oh, hi.
I'm obsessed with your fortune cookies.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
They must kill you on the refills, huh? You know, that's what keeps them coming back.
So smart.
That, and the lo mein.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Lo mein.
Good insights, gentlemen.
And that is what it's like to be a woman in today's business world.
[APPLAUSE.]
Oh! Worth every damn penny.
MRS.
BASKETS: Ooh, samples.
[LAUGHS.]
Little early.
Wine, Martha.
Zinfandel.
That looks a little healthy for me.
Oh, I don't know how they do a massage in public.
I won't even do one in private.
Do you like massages, Martha? I don't really like to be touched by strangers.
Hmm.
- Oh, look at those flowers.
- SANDRA: Oh, Christine.
- Christine, there you are.
- Chin Chan! The Chin Chan lady.
We were just talking about going to the strip club.
We go every year.
Do you want to come with us? There are gonna be free refills on men.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh! With men [LAUGHING.]
: Oh.
- Well, yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
- I don't know.
I'm pretty tired, and my feet hurt.
Oh, does your lap hurt? Because it is going to.
[LAUGHTER.]
Count us in.
- Yes.
Awesome.
- I don't You can bow out later.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh! Hey! Dale! - [GRUNTS.]
- Whoa! What are you doing? I'm taking what is mine! You know your mother's very upset that you're suing her.
Oh, yeah, uh, guess what.
Ow, my back Yeah, I'm upset, too.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- I'm up Are you taking the treadmill, too? - Hey, Ken.
- Chip.
Yeah, uh, you're stealing Christine's treadmill? It's called collateral, for my impending back surgery.
[GROANS.]
Don't Carpet King me, Ken.
We're not in Colorado.
Hey, Chip? Can you get your phone out, please? I'm gonna need two angles on this.
My phone doesn't do video.
Look, your mother just wants you to drop the lawsuit.
Don't gaslight me Let me put this on me.
Don't gaslight me, Ken.
You know, you didn't even put a ring on it.
So this is really none of your beeswax.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a treadmill to move.
Don't die on me, Dale.
Don't die on me.
- [MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [CHEERING.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! I wish I had some ones.
Ladies and gentlewomen, one special lady will get her very own strip show.
Can Martha Brooks please come to the stage? - Martha! - What? - I signed you up.
- Why? I thought you wanted to live a little.
I never said that.
Well, you should.
Live a little, let it go.
- [CHEERING.]
- Li Well, live a little - Yeah.
- Mrs.
Baskets Go have some fun, Martha, it's all in fun.
- I this isn't fun.
- I'm right here, Martha.
If they try any hanky-panky, I'll be right up there.
[CHEERING.]
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh! They've called the fire department.
I'm saucy, I'm drippin' I'm tasty, delicious Yeah, I'm fresh head to toe when I step in the spot Oh, okay, I Martha, go along with it.
I think it's a bad idea.
- I'm sau - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- MRS.
BASKETS: Aah! Martha! I thought we had a minibar.
This cupboard is bare.
Old Mother Hubbard.
There's nothing the cupboard.
Excuse me, can I get through? Oh! Yeah, sure.
Sorry.
I should have told you, Mrs.
Baskets, I just can't go to these types of things.
You know, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been giving you the silent treatment.
What? No, I didn't notice it.
- Huh.
Here, let me help you with this.
- I got it.
How about your pillow? I could plop that up, - couldn't I? - I don't need it Ow.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Listen, let me get you some ice.
[SIGHS.]
Lori Greiner? Oh! My friend Martha's never gonna believe this.
Lori, oh, God.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, God.
I'm Christine Baskets.
Sorry.
It's Christine Baskets.
- This is just like a - Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
- I'm just getting some ice.
- I have a sore neck from my flight.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I get a sore neck myself.
- We're twins.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Ah! Martha! I met Lori Greiner! It's a Las Vegas miracle! [LAUGHS.]
She was so nice.
[GASPS.]
I got to call Ken.
Okay, well, I'm trying to sleep.
KEN: Well, that's-that's nice, Christine.
It sounds like you're having a really good time.
Listen, uh, I don't want to upset you, but, uh Oh, is it the strippers? - Oh, I don't care about them.
- No, no.
Well I just talked to Dale.
Well, I came down here to talk to him about dropping the lawsuit.
You're in Bakersfield? You didn't have to do that.
I know, but I think I just made things worse.
Well, I'll just deal with Dale when I get back.
That's what I'm here for, isn't it, to learn how to deal with the business end of things? I know, I'll talk to Lori Greiner during my meet and greet about how to deal with Dale.
Oh thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
- Lori! - Thank you, ladies.
- I think she saw me.
- Thank you.
Can we sit down now? My knee is on fire.
LORI: Thank you.
Today, we are going to get true financial freedom.
You know how? We're gonna cut up our credit cards.
Get 'em out, ladies.
Oh, my credit card, I'd love to cut that up.
Oh, no, my purse.
I lost my purse, Mrs.
Baskets.
- Your tote or your purse? - My purse.
I'm not used to having more than one thing on my shoulder.
That tote really threw me off.
Well, you know, we talked about this.
You got bogged down, you didn't consolidate.
Oh, I must have left it at the strip club.
It must have fallen off the stage when I fell off the stage.
We'll get it afterwards.
I've got a meet and greet with Lori next.
No, I can't wait till later.
If it's gone, the first 48 hours after a crime are the most important.
Martha, you're acting so frazzled.
I've never seen you like this.
Well, I told you I didn't want to go, and you wouldn't listen to me.
And then you had that stripper grind on me.
I get it.
You want an apology.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted you to have a little fun.
- [MOUTHS.]
- Mrs.
Baskets, you think everyone's like you, and we're not.
Okay, some of us are more sensitive, like me and like Dale.
You know, he was just trying to help you with your budget, and you wouldn't listen to him, and that's why he's suing you.
I think that you're a great businesswoman, but you could maybe be a little bit better of a listener.
I have to go get my purse.
LORI: And made me feel good, so I just started making more.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hi, Ken.
Oh, I haven't been wearing this since you left.
I've just been working on some clown routines.
It's very freeing, so that's why I have it on.
Is Dale here? No, he doesn't live here any longer.
You know where he's staying? I can take you to him.
Let me get my keys.
CHIP: How you been? KEN: Oh, fine.
How-how about you? CHIP: You know I'm kind of rebranding myself a little bit.
We just had a barbecue funeral for my old clown Renoir.
Ah.
So I just don't know what's gonna be next.
- Yeah.
- You know, nothing's clicking.
Yeah, I hear you.
I You know, I went through a lot of that stuff myself.
I mean, you see me now, I'm the Carpet King, but I went through a lot of levels, iterations.
I used to be the The Carpet Gnome, the Carpetbagger.
I was the Carpet Brother.
So, you know.
I mean, you-you-you go through that until you find that-that-that character, that-that sweet spot.
Say, how-how do I get to your brother Dale? Give me some tips.
Um Well, Dale likes to win, right? So as long as he thinks he's winning, then you don't have any problems with him.
I can do that.
I'll take the 90-minute hot stones massage.
It's for Lori Greiner.
Her neck is sore from her flight.
She's got everyday people problems, just like us.
Thank you.
Oh, it's so light.
Are the stones in here, or does she pick them up? Okay.
Thank you.
LORI: Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Lori, I met you at the ice machine.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- My family has this rodeo.
- Uh-huh.
And then I-I My son needs hey, I wanted to talk to Lori.
[GRUNTS.]
[MOANS.]
[SIGHING.]
: Oh.
[EXHALES.]
This is my first massage.
Are we supposed to talk? If you want to.
Hmm.
Well, you don't know me, then, 'cause [CHUCKLES.]
if I can talk, I'll do it.
- Oh, God, that feels terrific.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I should really get my son a massage.
He's got a lower back problem.
Uh, you know, um, lower back problems are from financial worries.
Really? I've got a really good book on it, actually.
"Healing Back Pain" by John Sarno, M.
D.
With a new preface from the author.
" - I love a good preface.
- They sell 'em out in the lobby.
You should buy one for your son.
Sounds like he's under a lot of stress.
He's suing me.
That's stressful.
Yeah, we have a family business.
A rodeo, if you can believe it.
Wow.
Well a lot of families fall apart over money.
That's what happened to our family.
We had a chain of pharmacies across the Midwest, and, um [VOICE FADES.]
I should tell you that, legally, you are trespassing, 'cause I pay for rent on this piece of land on which my van and my treadmill sit.
- I don't want no trouble.
- Oh, don't you? Well, I think you do, because ever since I met you, you've been stirring the pot.
Oh, by the way, I brought the adapter for the treadmill.
Thank you.
Well, that's nice.
KEN: You win, Dale.
- Win what? - The treadmill.
It's yours.
I know that.
- What is your angle? - Nothing.
I just want you to know that your mom is working really hard for the both of you at the rodeo.
- [CHAIR WHIRRING.]
- If you just try to see things from your mom's point of view, be a little bit nicer to her.
If you can, I think you'll see things from her angle See it through her eyes.
Are we cool? [WHIRRING STOPS.]
Cool enough.
I appreciate you coming out here.
Come on, Chip, let's go.
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
[CHAIR WHIRRING.]
May I help you? - Hi.
Hi.
- Hey.
You're that girl who fell off the stage - last night.
- Yeah.
Ah, are you okay? Yeah, I'm good, I just I think I might have left my purse here last night, and I was wondering if maybe you guys happened to find it.
Do you know how many purses we have here, love? Maybe, like, five to ten? More than a few.
Women really lose their heads.
[CHUCKLES.]
That makes sense.
Um But we felt really bad.
We wanted to give you a free lap dance.
Or a hat.
Maybe I'll take the hat.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
I mean, you're really talented, but I have a boyfriend He's a shepherd and I want to stay faithful to him.
Okay.
I made the hat, too.
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah, it's all good.
I do all the merchandise here.
Wow, that's really cool.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Um, okay - Oh, here it is.
- Oh, nice.
- Oop.
Okay.
- There you go.
Well, thanks a lot.
Um maybe I'll-I'll take that hat now? Here you go.
Thank you.
Well, that's it, Martha.
Thank you for coming with me.
- Oh - Oh, God, you're such a great wingman.
I mean, wingwoman.
- Aw - But I should have listened to you.
I should have never forced that stripper on you.
I feel terrible.
That's okay, Mrs.
Baskets, there are worse things.
I just love you, Martha.
Well, thanks, Mrs.
Baskets.
Do we really have to leave this woman's paradise? Well, probably.
Okay.
I love that hat.
What does it say? MARTHA: Uh, "License to drill.
" It's like a innuendo, like a stripping "Innuendo.
" I love that word.
DALE: A book? How is a book gonna heal my back pain? Well, I didn't write it.
"The brain doesn't want to face up to the repressed anger, so it's running away from it.
" A bunch of psychobabble.
Is that what you think, that all this is just in my head? Well, I'll tell you what's not in my head is my lawsuit, so if you think you're gonna give me some rinky-dink, ho-dink, boo-dink book, then you're sorely mistaken, much like my back.
I'm not thinking anything, and I want you to do what you want to do.
I just wanted to tell you that you were right.
I should've listened to you.
I made a lot of mistakes.
- We all did.
- That's right.
- Chip made mistakes on the clowns.
- That's right.
You made some mistakes with the horses.
But now what I'm saying to you is, if we all stay in our own lanes as business partners, we can get somewhere.
And I will be listening to my financial wizard.
That's you.
So I'll get you're saying I'll get my money back? Yes.
I'm a Lori Greiner seminar graduate.
- How could we lose? - Look at this.
Wow.
I don't think I've ever seen you stand up that straight.
Yeah, I'm as wrecked as a navy man during Fleet Week.
- Do a twirl.
- I don't know if I can.
Try it.
- I can do a twirl.
- Oh - Look at this, I'm Chip.
- [LAUGHS.]
[SINGING IN FRENCH.]