Baskets (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

Baby Chip

1 (BABY CHIP CRYING) - Morning.
- Morning, Big Chip.
Hey, Chip? No, no, no, no Can I please take a shower? If I don't take a shower, I'm gonna die.
- Will you hold Little Chip? - I was I need to go to the rodeo.
JODE: Honey, you need to change his diaper.
I was up five times last night, Jode.
- You do it.
It's just piss.
- I have to get to Arby's, The cloth diapers take forever to change.
They're slow to change, fast to biodegrade, Jode.
Is that a good thing? JODE: Baby's crying keep you up last night, Chip? Uh - No, I didn't - We're trying to let him cry it out, - you know? It's like a method.
- Yeah.
It's, um It's noisy, yeah, but, uh - Yeah.
- it's cute.
Yeah, man, ain't he cute? Can you believe we made that little Chip baby? Yeah, God, yeah.
Greatest thing that's ever happened to me, man.
- Rent's due.
- Huh? Rent is due.
Yeah, um Actually, my wallet's right here.
It's okay, baby.
(SHUSHING) It's okay.
Yeah, that should work.
Oh, man, I'm gonna take Claire to dinner.
Can you babysit? - When? - Hey, we're going to dinner tonight! - Tonight? - Is that cool, man? You need to bond with the baby.
(SHUSHING) - Yeah, I guess so.
I - Oh, man, thank you so much.
That's That's awesome, man.
Hey, it's all right.
Hey, it's Uncle Chip.
All right, see you.
Thanks, buddy.
- (FARTS) - TRINITY: Oh, Chip, hey.
- Yeah.
- He's pooping.
Can you just take the diaper and scrape all the shit out of it and put it in the dirty diaper bucket? Thank you so much, I'll be out in an hour.
(BOTH CRYING) CHIP (SIGHING): Aw, I shouldn't do this, but I'm just gonna get some disposable diapers for Baby Chip.
Um, I think they're over here.
- Okay, okay.
- Baby Chip, huh? I wish somebody would name a baby after me.
Well, it's not that easy, Martha.
Baby Chip cries a lot.
- Most babies do, I've heard.
How do you know when a baby is possessed? I think it's like if he has a really deep voice - or projectile-vomits.
- Yeah? Or his head spins all the way around.
But that last one might be fake.
(REGULAR VOLUME): Thank you for the information.
- Thank you so much.
- Chip, it sounds like your living situation is pretty untenable.
I'm gonna find an apartment for you, okay? It took me 73 tries to find mine.
It can be really daunting.
Martha, look, I live with Baby Chip now, Jode and Trinity.
That's just who I live with They're my family.
I need stool softeners.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Then, Chip, do you want to know what my new life coach would say? You have a life coach? - Yeah.
- But don't you need a life first? - (SIGHS) - Hey, those are free samples.
Look at that.
Is this, uh, chili safe for babies? I need somebody to check all the light bulbs.
In the bathrooms, in the waiting rooms, throughout the whole rodeo, please, if somebody can do that.
And then, if you could order urinal cakes, that would be helpful.
Amazon is out of urinal cakes.
How is Amazon out of urinal cakes? Double-check, please.
Okay? That's a hell of a name to calls omething like that, a cake.
CHIP: And then, the-the bleachers, especially the northwest corner - of the, uh - DANIEL: Sorry, excuse me.
Hate to interrupt.
Oh, hey, Eddie, how are you doing? - Oh.
- Sober? - Yeah.
Oh, good to good.
Uh, Daniel Kwon, um I'm your, uh, from the church next door, I'm a friend of your mother's.
(YAWNING): My mother's told me about you, yeah.
I know who you are sorry.
Yeah I Excuse me.
DANIEL: So, listen, can you, can you do me a favor? Could you ask your mother if we can rent your parking lot during our church service? Our attendance is going through the roof.
Absolutely, we can, uh You know what? We don't need to call her.
What kind of money are we talking about? Uh, we got about $300? - Can you do it for $400? - Uh $325? - How about $320? - Perfect.
Okay, great.
Great to meet you guys.
Thank you.
All right, thank you.
I'll talk to you later.
Wait a second.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one new message.
BASKETS: Hey, Chip, it's your mother.
- I'm here with Ken and Susan.
- (SUSAN MEOWING) Susan says hi.
(LAUGHS) Daniel says he met with you, and you're quite the little negotiator.
Thanks for bringing in the business, Chip.
KEN: We're so proud of you, son! - KEN: I can call him that now, can't I? - Yes.
- KEN: I thought I could.
- Well, you did, so Hi, little boy.
Hi, little boy.
Come to Mama.
- Aw - Good boy.
- Is there a disposable? - That's cool.
All good.
Thanks, Big Chip.
That's a good boy.
BASKETS: Anyway, keep up the good work, honey, and good night.
Does it hang up on its own, or do I have to click off? (SIGHS) (SNORING SOFTLY) - (TRINITY SCREAMING) - (GASPING) (BABY CHIP CRYING) - Is everything okay? - It's fine.
It's okay.
It's just that Baby, um Baby Chip threw up everywhere in the middle of the night and he almost choked to death.
But it's okay, he didn't.
(CRYING): He didn't, did you? - JODE: Baby (GAGS) - Okay, here, take the baby.
- Change his jammies.
- JODE: The baby just freaked out and spewed everywhere.
- TRINITY: Go get us some new sheets.
- (JODE COUGHING) Okay? Wait, where they at? God, Jody! - Give me my baby.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Give him to me.
- Let me get that phone.
- (RETCHING, COUGHING) - Pick it up.
(PANTING): There.
Oh, it's okay.
Hello? Dr.
Rubinstein? Hey, man.
Yeah, yeah.
(RETCHING) Thanks, man.
What did he say? He wants me to go get Pedialyte.
I got to go to the 24-hour pharmacy on 15th.
- (CRYING): No, don't leave me! - It's okay, baby.
Don't leave me, baby! - It's gonna be okay.
All right? - Baby Okay, I-I-I-I-I'll go.
- I can go.
Yeah, I'll go.
BASKETS: Chip? - Huh? Daniel Kwon called me.
He says no one was - at the rodeo to open the parking lot.
- What? Oh, di - He's been waiting there an hour.
- Huh? Chip? Did the people at that apartment give you some drugs? - Yeah.
- (HORNS HONKING) (GATE CREAKING) It's open! Come on! He's new at this, Christine.
I'm sure it was just a one-time thing.
The rodeo's too much responsibility for him.
He's really just a front-of-the-house guy.
Just go easy on him.
I love you, Ken, but I don't agree with your management style.
(HORN HONKING) - What up, what up? - Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Are you, you living with a baby now? JODE: This is uh, Baby Chip, Mrs.
We named him after Big Chip, the hero.
He saved Baby Chip last night, - so - Wow.
we brought - Arby's.
- Free Arby's.
Curly fries, uh, and two Big Kahunas.
- This one kind of opened up.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
- Well, that's very nice of you.
You take that, honey.
I need to talk to the big Chip.
- JODE: All right, cool.
- What do you want? - Wh-Where are we going? - Is he a maniac or what? There's a baby in there.
KEN: So, Chip, what's your plan? Uh I don't know, I was gonna go back to the apartment and take a nap and then maybe have a siesta.
And then, after that, take a break.
What's the plan for your life, Chip? What's your one-year plan? What's your five-year plan? Every man should have a plan for his future.
Uh When you're our age, are you still gonna be living with these circus geeks and their kid? Well, I really haven't thought of it, but, God, I hope not.
You need to find a serious place to live.
Until you do, please come home.
- Chris - What? We've got so much room.
You'll hardly know he's there.
- Chip.
- (SNORING) - KEN: Chip? - Yes.
You're sleeping while I'm talking to you.
I just want you to know you're welcome to come home.
Um Well, Martha's looking for apartments, Mom, I apprec I-I do appreciate that, and I-I just don't want to disappoint her.
KEN: Yeah, I think Chip's got a handle on this, Christine.
Why don't we just enjoy the food? It's free.
Have you seen any of the places that Martha has picked out? That would be a negative.
Chip, you've got to look at the places in order to pick one.
- Look at this.
- (LAUGHTER) KEN: That's a good one.
It's good, uh, economy.
Well, at least this one has a window.
It smells funny in here.
Um, that's just 'cause your other senses are heightened.
CHIP: How much is this place? - $900.
- (STAMMERS) No, no, let me handle it.
Allen, I've been working with a life coach.
- Uh-huh.
- and I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to be really assertive with you.
- We are not - Oh, my God ALLEN: Uh, good window.
Good, good view.
- Maybe we'll keep looking.
- Uh (SIGHS) I'm so tired.
I don't know if this is the best time for me to be doing this.
I-I mean, all this searching.
MARTHA: Well, why don't you just move back in with your mom? - Save money.
- What am I saving money for? - Cashmere socks.
- What? - Mom, you're awake.
- I have to go pee-pee.
- Oh.
- What's this place? - Where? - I don't know, it looks cool.
- MARTHA: Where? - W this place.
That building.
Pull over.
- MARTHA: Okay.
- Put your turn signal on.
- Oh sorry, guys.
- What was that? I'm sorry.
Are you all right, Mom? Yeah, I think I'll survive.
Hey, look at this.
Open house.
MARTHA: Oh, Bullet Towers? This place is new.
Hey, Mom, do you mind if we go in? They probably have a bathroom you can use.
Oh, thank God.
NARRATOR: Bullet Towers, the future of Bakersfield.
A sophisticated standard of living.
Luxurious amenities, marble counters in every kitchen, walking distance from Bakersfield's finest shops, and only a few steps from California's bullet train.
Zoom to the metropolis of your choice, all while enjoying the calm sanctuary of Bakersfield.
Come taste the future at Bullet Towers.
This is our standard studio unit, and I'm actually in one of these It's exceptional.
Um, everything is brand-new.
- Central AC, gas range - Yeah.
It's nice.
Uh, yeah.
Access to common area roof deck.
Um, counter-counters that are marble if you choose the right ones, but they didn't in this one.
Um, so, and then, and then this unit has central courtyard views and washer-dryer.
- Oh, look at this.
- ANITA: It's a really, really great community that we're building here.
- Nice view.
- ANITA: Do you two have kids? Who? - ANITA: Or - No, that's, that's just Martha and that's her visually impaired mother.
She's probably looking for the restroom right now.
- Oh.
- Whoopsie.
So you'd be getting in on the ground floor of a really great investment, especially in seven to nine years from now, - when the bullet train's completed.
- CHIP: Right.
- Yeah.
- Uh, yes, thank you, we have eyes.
Let's get down to brass tacks: what is the monthly rent on this place? Oh, I'm s-sorry, I think that there's been a little bit of a misunderstanding 'cause this is a condo, so you wouldn't be renting, you'd be buying.
So I'd be a I'd be a homeowner.
MARTHA: Well, that's out of his price range.
This was obviously a huge waste of time.
Mom, Chip.
- Martha.
- Let's go.
It's a nice place.
Those are free, right? - Mm, yup.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
So, you interested in? - In the waters.
- Okay.
- Let's go! I like that place, but all this is a waste of time, Martha, all of it.
Here, Chiparoo, can't open it.
- Mm.
- Oh.
- We can keep looking.
- (SIGHS) I mean, why am I moving anyway? I can just get noise-canceling headphones or earmuffs or whatever.
You know, my life coach could really help you.
Life Do you really have a life coach? I thought that was a joke.
Is that why you're acting so weird? - I can't get this open.
- What? What time is it? Fudge.
I have to be at class in five minutes.
Do you mind if we do that first on the way to your place? Yes, I actually do mind 'cause Baby Chip is expecting me.
Here, I can't get this open.
Well, it's too late, we're almost there.
- (SIGHING): Oh, God.
- It'll be good for you.
(SIGHS) Just doesn't seem like you to leave your mom sitting in a car, that's all.
Well, I cracked the window.
Okay, I'm-I'm gonna get out of here.
This is not my scene.
I'm just gonna get some food.
Okay, well, can you at least grab some meatballs for my mom? - Okay.
- Martha.
- Oh.
- Hi, dear.
I'm so glad you came.
Hello, newcomer, what's your name? Oh, no, Martha Martha dragged me here.
My name's Chip, I'm not, I'm not staying.
I'm-I'm just gonna get some meatballs, - then go to sleep in the car.
- Oh, that's okay, Chip.
Um, this is my life coach Tammy.
Well, hello, Chip, welcome.
I ask nothing of you except honesty, discretion, an open mind, and, of course, no phones.
Everybody, give a hand to Chip, who's here for the first time tonight! No, I'm not I'm not here to TAMMY: Okay, Jonah, I hear you, but I need you to be a lot more specific.
JONAH: I've been fired from all food court places, except for Salad Euphoria.
- Okay, I've had enough.
- TAMMY: Mm-hmm.
- So I started cutting myself again.
- Thank you for inviting me, or forcing me to come here.
- Chip - Of course you did.
- Please don't go.
- It makes sense.
You were out of control.
- When we cut - Sorry.
it's because we want to - get some control.
- Apologies.
You're letting others take control over you.
Who's controlling you? Is it your bullying, hateful brother? Is it a powerless father? Is it a controlling mother? Who's in control? You are in charge.
I want to hear you say it.
I am in F-ing charge.
TAMMY AND JONAH: I am in F-ing charge.
Everybody here say it because it's true for all of you.
ALL: I am in F-ing charge.
(PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING) Chip, someone texting you? - You can sit.
- CHIP: Uh No, I was just, uh It's okay.
Do you want to take a moment and answer the text? No, it's just, uh Can I see your phone? I'd like to see who you're texting.
(LAUGHING): Give it to me.
I'm I'm not so scary as you think I am.
I really am not, right, everybody? Aw, what a cutie.
Is he yours? He's my roommate.
I mean, I live with him.
Come here, Chip.
Well, put your phone away.
You're about to do something very important for yourself.
Everyone here is trying their goddamn best to find a way to get what they want.
Right, everybody? What do you want, Chip? What do you want? Uh, I don't know.
I care about you, Chip.
More than I want anything, I want you to get it.
You deserve it.
What do you want? I want to move out of the place l'm living in.
I work all day, then I go home at night to help out with the baby, and the baby cries all the time, and I'm exhausted.
What's stopping you? I can't find an apartment.
MARTHA: I found him three apartments.
- CHIP (GROANS): Ugh - But he didn't like any of 'em.
- Except the, the condo, but - (GROANS): Ugh he can't afford to buy it.
See what else I've been dealing with here? You know, Martha, he's got to do this for himself.
Can't afford? What does that mean? It means I don't have the money - for an apartment.
- No, no.
What does it really mean? Let's look at this another way.
You are Chip.
Chip who? - (WHISPERING): Baskets.
- I know my last name, Martha.
- Chip Baskets? - Yeah.
Chip Baskets.
Your mother liked a lot of Mexican food.
(LAUGHTER) What do you do for a living, Chip Baskets? I'm a rodeo clown.
My mom owns and runs a rodeo, and I-I clown there during the rodeo season.
He also does birthday parties.
Martha, no.
- Quiet.
- You clown in front of rodeo bulls? Mm-hmm.
A baby can't do that, Chip.
A baby pees in his diaper.
Big Chip doesn't do that.
Baby Chip can't even walk.
Big Chip can run.
Big Chip can get his own apartment.
What makes you think you can't get your own apartment? - I can't get the money for that - No, no, no.
It's not about the money.
Look in my eyes.
- Go deeper! - (POUNDING ON CHEST) Who's in charge of you? Let's go there.
Jonah? Tell him who's in charge.
JONAH: Uh I forgot.
You are in charge of you.
What are you afraid of? I'm What is it? Change? If I get the apartment, then I might have might have to change, is that what you're saying? Yes, you'd have to earn more.
You'd have a mortgage.
But you'd be happy.
Uh, I want to, I (WHISPERING): I want to be happy, I'm just frightened of it.
- Aw - If I know how to do it.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
He said he's scared to be happy, but he wants to be happy.
- (APPLAUSE) - He found it, everybody.
You found it.
Okay, everybody, he found it.
(CHUCKLES) All right, now let's get you that apartment! - Ken.
- KEN: In the kitchen.
I'm thinking we should order a pizza.
I just feel like, uh, eating and going to bed.
- Voilà! - Oh.
What is this? - You got to try this.
- Where did you get this? - Olive spread.
- Oh, good.
With cheese and cracker.
- Oh, my God.
- And a little sliced tomato.
- You're cheering me up already.
- (CHUCKLES) - Mmm.
Mmm! - Good, huh? Yeah.
And so distinctive, the taste.
You know, I just wanted things to go well for Chip.
Yeah, Chip's an independent guy.
He did fine today.
We're only there to help out when he needs us.
You're so wise, you know? I should listen to you more.
(PHONE RINGING) (WHISPERING): I can be such a know-it-all.
(KEN CHUCKLES) Hello, Chip.
Hey, Mom.
Uh, Mom, I wanted to tell you about an investment opportunity.
BASKETS: Chip, I'm gonna tell you about olive "tap-pen-yah-dee.
" Ken just rooted around the boxes, and he found me a delicious crudités tray.
That sounds good.
It was out of this world.
I just never had anything like it.
(WHISPERING): Investment.
Okay, yeah, I'll look into that.
But-but-but, listen, hey, there-there's a, u-um, a new condo on the east side of town called the Bullet Towers, Mom? Oh, you found a place to live, Chip? That's great.
But I need, um I need a down payment.
You'll pay her back.
And I'll-I'll pay you back, uh, w-with interest, so it'll be a good investment for you.
- Mmm.
- KEN: What's going on? He, uh, found a-a condo, the Bullet House, and it's in a complex and he, uh, needs a down payment.
(PHONE BEEPS) Looks like he needs us, right? Yeah.
It looks like he needs us.
Yeah, I'm still here.
I understand.
(PHONE BEEPS) - She said yes.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Yeah, yes! My favorite word.
Come on, we're gonna dance.
- I don't dance.
- Yeah, well, we all dance.
We're gonna dance to the word "yes.
" (CHANTING): Go, Chip! Go, Chip! Go, Chip! You are a homeowner now! Yay, Chip! Go, Chip! Go, Chip! Go, Chip! Go, Chip! Go, Chip! Oh, my goodness, these are so tight your shoulders.
We dance here.
You're gonna have to loosen up a little to hang out here.
Go, Chip! Go, Chip! (MUFFLED): Go, Chip! - (MUSIC MUFFLED) - Ain't no stopping us now We're on the move (NORMAL AUDIO): Ain't no stopping us now No, no, no We're on the move We're moving, we're grooving