Baskets (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

Cat People

1 Y'all come down to the Baskets Family Rodeo.
If we all stay in our own lanes as business partners, - We can get somewhere.
(LAUGHS) - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) You're stealing Christine's treadmill? - It's called collateral.
- You're not a French clown.
MRS.
BASKETS: Be proud 'cause you're a Bakersfield clown.
- Propose what? - Marriage.
To your mom.
I just want to tell you, you have my blessing.
Really? Well, somebody around here has to get married.
- PEOPLE: Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - PENELOPE (OVER PHONE): Chips! - Hey, Penelope.
- PENELOPE: Happy New Year! - PEOPLE: Five.
Four.
- Christine? - I want to ask you something.
- PEOPLE: Three.
Two.
- What? - PEOPLE: One.
PEOPLE: Happy New Year! PENELOPE: Chip, I'm coming to L.
A.
to record an album.
Wow.
Los Angeles.
That's, uh I mean, it's not as inspiring as Paris, but congratulations.
Thank you.
So, Chip, what do you think? Should I rent a car while I'm in Los Angeles or? What?! - MRS.
BASKETS: Chip! - Hold on.
What's that? Should I rent a car when I'm in Los Angeles? - A car Um - (DISTANT, EXCITED CHATTER) Uh, well are you? Um You know, uh, a car Well, you're-you're gonna be recording all day, right? Sort of.
Uh no.
Okay, here.
Um no.
You don't you don't you don't need a car.
Plus, most of the drivers in Los Angeles are stoned out of their minds.
- I-I don't drive.
- I know.
Well, maybe Martha can be my chauffeur? - PEOPLE: Chip! - I'll be right down! I promise you! Martha never leaves Bakersfield.
She's-she's a townie.
- MRS.
BASKETS: Chip! - Hold on! - Your mother's engaged! - Hey, hey, hey.
Penelope, can-can I call you later? (DOG BARKS, BIRD SQUAWKING) MRS.
BASKETS: Say good-bye to your house.
We are going out of here (CAR STARTS) - (CAR DINGING) - Oh, God, turn that off.
- Hey, Mom, we're leaving! - (MUSIC STOPS) See you there! Come on, Ronnie.
Time to go.
- (MEOWS) - Get in here.
We're going to the new house.
It's not far.
The smell should be about the same, except for Ken's musk.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
See you, house.
So much smaller when it's empty.
Breaker, breaker.
Anybody copy? Oh, God, it's not a good time for the walkie! Dale, we got some human trash here trying to steal your treadmill.
Copy that.
And 10-4.
Over.
(WALKIE-TALKIE CHIRPS) (GUNSHOT) Freeze! (CHUCKLES) I should have figured it was you, Chip.
Since when did you become Halt.
Since when did you become Mama's little errand boy? Ever since you decided to retire from the rodeo.
- What what is going on?! - Retire It's a sabbatical! You can have the treadmill.
- Fine.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - Okay, straighten it out.
- (RHYTHMIC BEEPING) Straight back now.
Yup.
Come on.
MRS.
BASKETS: God.
Is this Sherwin-Williams? I don't think so.
Is this the color I picked or the primer? No, it's the color.
I couldn't have picked this.
What, you don't like it? Want to do something different? This can't be Casa Blanca, can it? Hold up a sec, guys.
Looks more like canary.
Oh, I hate birds.
KEN: Honey, it's only paint.
- Let's just paint it again.
- (CAT MEWING) - You're right.
- Hold on.
Susan, it's fine, honey.
Relax.
- (MEWS) - Uh, Christine, let me call you back.
- Uh, Susan hates this travel stuff.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'll call you when I get settled in at the hotel.
- Love you.
- I love you, too.
Here you go, Jeff.
Thank you, Scooty.
Here you go, Hank.
Thanks so much, Nick.
Thank you, Dean.
Here you go, Junior.
Here you go, Steph.
Thanks so much.
Thanks for your help! We'll see you next season! Okay, you ready for this meeting, guys? - Is your mom coming? - No, she's doing wedding stuff.
I don't think she's coming.
Oh, good.
My butt's gone to sleep in this chair.
That's fine.
Yeah, that's fine.
So, listen, now that it's the off-season, I think we need to find new ways to generate some income for the rodeo.
- Okay.
- Any ideas? - Nope.
- Okay.
Here's what I've got.
Since we have this wonderful venue, the rodeo, what if we attract circus groups? Or-or-or traveling troupes of-of jugglers and jesters, and we attract clowns from all parts of the world, and maybe Bakersfield bec can become a mecca r-for-for.
for clowning? What do you think? Well, I don't know so much about that buffoon clownery and all that fannagarall, but the Boot Fair and Belt Festival They always rent the place.
Okay, yeah.
Well, that makes sense, I guess.
They pay good, and they're dependable.
A thousand dollars a weekend.
We sell our own sell popcorn (MUFFLED VOICE CONTINUES) Mom? MRS.
BASKETS: In the dining room, honey.
I'm up to my eyeballs in wedding rigmarole.
Oh, my God, these invitations They're so Oh, terrible calligraphy.
- Oh.
- Rodeo's pretty quiet.
(SIGHS) Everything's taken care of.
Not much going on.
What do you mean "not much going on"? You got to get something going.
That's a business.
- Yeah, I know.
Uh - Okay.
I had a business-type meeting thing today.
And looks like we're gonna rent the rodeo out to the, uh, Boot Fair and the Belt Expo.
Boots and Belts.
- I love it! - Yeah.
You deserve a cookie.
Double stuffed.
- Your favorite, aren't they? - Um no, no.
- Not really? - No, but, uh, mm.
Oh, I'm gonna have one, too.
You know, you don't think you want to eat - a hundred Oreos, but you can.
- No.
Oh, honey, you're gonna have to sleep in the gift wrap room because your room's full of tarps.
That's fine.
And I need a color for your room.
- Have you decided yet? - No.
How about San Clemente Teal? I like beige.
Beige? That's not a color, honey.
(CHEWING) (SIGHS) (AIR WHOOSHING) (SIGHS) (SIGHS HEAVILY) (DIALING) (LINE RINGING) - (PHONE RINGING) - (HUMMING) - Chip! - Hey.
Listen, I've been rethinking about what I told you about renting a car.
- Chip, I arrive tomorrow.
- Oh, good.
Good.
So I caught you just in time.
Uh (SIGHS) I'm worried that you're under the assumption that there's some kind of European train that links up to the airport, and that's not the case.
- I'll come get you.
- No, no, no.
- Don't.
It's too much hassle.
- No.
It'd be good.
I'll just pick you up, we could have a chit-chat.
I could maybe take you to an American drive-thru.
Okay, sure.
- How much do you charge? - Well, it's free.
I'm.
Uh, uh, I'm your friend.
Oh, Chippu, nothing in life is free.
Yeah, you're right about that.
Okay, listen.
I arrive at 7:00 in Los Angeles, but I'll text you from my layover in Chicago, okay? - Okay.
Yeah, that that would be - Okay.
- Bye.
Thank you.
- Yeah, ciao.
Hmm.
Hey! I need to pick someone up at the airport tonight.
Can I borrow your car? Sorry, Chip.
I'd let you use my car, but I've got to drive my mom around for a few days.
She just had cataract surgery.
Are we there yet? Hey, Ms.
Brooks.
She looks like Roy Orbison.
You know, Chip, Costco Insurance has partnerships with car rental places all over town.
I could give you a 20% off coupon.
You're authorized to do that? Well, try dropping my name.
They might really hook you up.
Hook me up? To what? No.
Mom, I was talking to Chip.
Chip? Who's Chip? Okay, thanks so much.
- Bye, Ms.
Brooks.
- Bye.
Good luck with the welding classes.
What did he say? Um, he thinks that you're going to a welding class.
All right, so with your coupon and the mention of Martha Brooks, that'll be $129.
$129? I thought it'd be around Well, I thought it'd be around free.
Nothing in life is free.
You need to pay for insurance.
Yeah, I don't It's just a half a day.
I don't need this stuff.
Well, let's say you get in an accident.
Now, you don't want collection agents knocking on your door, trying to get your money, okay? So, what you want to do is get this full coverage, and that way, it'll cover everything, and you can just walk away.
Just walk away, huh? (PHONE CHIRPS) (WHOOSHING) (YELLS) (GROANS) What state is the car in now? Well, the car won't go in reverse or drive, but the airbag works very well.
Okay.
How are you doing now? Um, listen, I'm fine, but I'm in a big rush, okay? I just walked away, like you said.
Well, I did say that, but All right, Regina, I'm I'm in a rush.
Thank you so much.
Hello? KEN: Hi.
My name is Susan.
I'm very happy to be here.
- (PURRING) - What is your name? - I'm Ronald Reagan.
- (KEN GASPS) - Just call me "Ronnie.
" - Oh.
Oh, I love your face.
It's so unusual.
I'm from Colorado, and I've never lived with another cat before.
Well, you'll be fine here because my mom loves cats.
- Doesn't she? I'm gonna get Oh! - (DOOR OPENS) -Oh! -Hey, Mom.
-Chip! I need to borrow a car.
Do you have the keys? - What? My car keys? - Yeah.
- (YOWLING) - (MUTTERS) Cat! What happened to your face? No, I-I'm fine, Mom.
Hi, Ken.
How are you? - Hey, Chip.
- Welcome to town.
- Hey, glad to be here.
- Nice to see you.
- Mm-hmm.
- What kind of shenanigans? Hey, Ken, do you have a? Uh (QUIETLY): He's always doing these kind of things.
Hey, Ken, do you have car I can borrow? I don't think he's fit to drive.
It's always something with him - Money, car, keys.
- Mom, a friend is relying on me.
Can I borrow your car? - No.
- Why? Well, at least let me put some Mercurochrome on this.
- CHIP: What? - Or a salve.
- I don't want your salves on my face.
- Oh Well, you're gonna get an infection, and then what? - He-he does have obligations.
- What? Well, why don't you take him then, Ken? Ken will take you.
I can do it myself, Mom.
It's fine.
I can Go ahead, Ken.
Welcome to the family.
I'll take care of the cats.
(WHISPERING): I don't have gas money.
(SIGHS) (DOOR CLOSES) - (CAT YOWLING) - Ronald? Didn't know we was going this far.
Might have to get some gas.
I should've driven.
It's just to help out a friend.
Well, is this a friend or a "friend"? I don't really know.
Friend.
Yeah, friend.
Have you thought about what color you want to paint your room? I like plaid, or is that more of an attitude? Yeah, that could be a little tricky.
You know, sometimes you put a color like that on the wall, and you step back and look at it and go, "Wow, that's no good.
" Or sometimes you love it, and two years later, it's out of style.
How long are you planning on staying with us, Chip? Uh, I don't know.
I guess until I die? Oh, God.
- (LOUD THUDDING, GLASS BREAKING) - Huh? (BOTH CATS YOWLING) Ronnie? (LOUD YOWLING) Stop it, you two! - What are you do? Oh! - (GLASS BREAKING) - (MEWING) - Ronnie! Susan! - Susan.
- (YOWLS) Ow! - Bad kitty.
- (LOW YOWL) CHIP: There-there she is.
Penelope! Oh Chip.
- How are you? - How are you? - Nice to see you.
- Oh, so nice to see you, too.
- Have you been well? - Oh, it's (SIREN TOOTS) OFFICER (OVER SPEAKER): Colorado plates, move it along.
- KEN: Come on, you two! - Oh.
- Let me help you with this stuff.
- Who is this? Oh, that's, uh, my mom's boyfriend.
Your your mom's boyfriend? - Yeah, that's that's Ken.
- Oh.
He's having sex with my mom.
(HORNS HONKING) Wow, Hollywood.
Look Madame Tussauds.
CHIP: Yeah.
So, you know, uh, Chip and I were married before his mother sent me away? No, Chip never told me you guys were married.
- Yeah.
- You never told him? Uh And Christine sent you away? - She did, yes.
- (SCOFFS) Because we had an arrangement, you know? I needed a green card, uh, Chip needed someone to love.
But, uh, Christine didn't think it was a good idea, so she called my father, and - Hmm.
Oh, I see.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Mm, yes.
(KEN SIGHS) Is she still destroying your life? CHIP: Uh she-she's got She's better.
Bit better.
That's a "yes.
" (LAUGHS) Hey, Ken, so you moved to Bakerfield to marry a Basket just like me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Mm-hmm.
I hope you're more luckier than me, though.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, well, I hope so.
- (PENELOPE LAUGHS) - Yeah.
It was good, though, really.
It was good in the end.
After all, I went back to France, and I dealt with my father, and - It's, uh, different status - (PHONE RINGING) Ho-Hold on.
Ho-Hold on, Penelope.
Let me take this call.
Hey, Chrissy.
Hey, the cats got in a big fight.
I just wanted to let you know.
Oh, no.
Is Susan okay? Yeah, I I think she is.
- Chip? - Yes.
Did you decide on the paint for your room? Is it gonna be Bluebird Breeze or Blue Boy Balloon? Oh, I was Hello, Mama Baskets! (SING-SONGY): It's me, Penelope.
Ken take me off speaker.
Okay, sweetie.
Talk to you later.
- Bye.
- (PHONE BEEPS) God.
Didn't you say she got better? She just doesn't She She doesn't like to be on speakerphone.
(POP SONG PLAYING) - Hey, staying with us? Okay.
- Uh, she is.
- Yeah, let me take that.
No.
- Oh, I got it.
You know, it's what we do.
I can just I can just take it.
No.
Can I help you take that? I was just gonna just take it up to her room Whoa, careful, careful.
Aah! My finger.
Ow.
- Thanks.
I'll get this.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh, she flew in? Yeah, she had a long flight.
Hey, Uber guy, can you pull out of here, please? He's, uh he's actually with me.
He's, uh, my, uh.
He's my Hey, do you want me to call you step-dad or dad? - How do? - No, call me "Dad.
" - Yeah, that's my dad.
- Oh.
So, I'm sorry about that.
- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah, I'll-I'll take that.
(PENELOPE AND BELLHOP CHUCKLE) Well thank you so much.
It was so nice to see you.
Okay.
Ciao.
Good-bye.
Hey, Pene Penelope? - Penelope? - Yeah? Did you want to maybe, uh, grab a bite to eat tonight? Um Remember that place in Paris we used to go to go? - That looked like a - No.
I'm sorry.
I'm so tired.
I just had a long flight, you know? It's just that I'm in Los Angeles, and it's kind of neat for me.
I'm stuck in Bakersfield.
I thought maybe Ah, right.
You're stuck with your mother.
You need to get away, I think, hmm? MAN: Penelope? - I'm sorry.
I have to go.
- Penelope? Good luck.
That you? PENELOPE: Hey! Hey! MAN: Come on in.
The water's fine.
- (PENELOPE LAUGHS) - Welcome to your future.
- PENELOPE (LAUGHING): Oh.
- (HORN TOOTS LOUDLY) Okay.
Sorry, Chip.
I was worried about my cat.
HUELL HOWSER: Hi, I'm HUELL HOWSER.
- And if you like animals, - (DOOR CLOSES) - you should watch our video log - KEN: Christine? - Special tonight starring - In here.
Hi, boys.
- Where's Susan? - Oh.
She ran in the, uh, gift wrap room, and Ronnie I don't know where he ran, but They're just not connecting yet.
It's gonna take time.
Oh, poor Susan.
She must be so scared.
CHRISTINE: Well, Ronnie's scared.
- Chip, how are you? - I'm fine, Mom, thank you.
You know what? She knows my scent.
I think I'll go sleep in the gift wrap room with her, - keep her company.
- MRS.
BASKETS: Ken Just throw an old shirt in there.
- (SIGHS) - Now I'm gonna be all alone.
(CLICKS HER TONGUE) Where are you gonna sleep, honey? Uh, just This is.
We made some of our most popular video logs - I'm tired.
- Yeah.
You know, your dad always liked to sleep in a chair.
Starting with the smallest pets we ever met.
(SIGHS) Oh, Chri Oh Christine? Oh.
Hey.
Hello from down the hall.
(LAUGHS) You know, I'm kind of used to talking to you on the screen like this.
I just wanted to say I know how hard it must be for you and Susan.
I'm a cat person, you know, so, I really realize what you're going through.
I just wanted to say I I understand.
Thank you, baby.
I want you to know that both Susan and I are very happy to be here.
- Aren't we, baby? See? - (PURRING) Well, you tell Susan that I had a talk with Ronald Reagan, and he's over it.
And he's gonna allow a Democratic cat in the house.
(CHUCKLES) - You registered the cat as a Democrat? - Yes.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - (SUSAN PURRS) And thank you so much for being nice to Chip.
- Yeah.
- You know, I think he's struggling with this move, too.
- Chip's a sensitive kid.
- Yeah.
Oh, speak of the devil.
- Hey, Chip.
- Hey, Mom.
Hey, Ken, I got to go.
Good night, honey.
I'll see you in the morning.
Good night.
I love y Chip, what are you doing? - Did you wake up? - Hey, Mom.
Yeah, do you have a sleeping bag in any of the box? I'm chilly downstairs.
I did, but you know, I kind of zone out when I'm packing.
Come on in here.
- You know what you need? - What? You need a hug from your mother who loves you.
- I'm good.
- Get in here and cuddle with me a little bit.
I miss that.
Mom, I'm fine.
This is a California King.
No, thank you.
Come on.
(MEOWS) Oh.
You know, Ken's here now, and it's hard for us to adjust.
You know I'm not trying to replace you, honey.
You're such a good boy.
I just love you.
Have you, uh, thought about a color of paint for your room? Mom, I I was I've kind of been thinking that maybe I'm gonna move out, - (SNORING) - so, I (SNORING) (DOORBELL RINGING) - Uncle Chip! - Hi.
- How are you? - Welcome, man.
Hi! - Come in, come in.
- Hi.
Come in, man.
This is the palace.
Thank you guys so much for letting me stay here.
- I appreciate it.
- Of course, man.
He's supposed to sleep with us for, like, - a year or whatever, so - Yeah, so you can stay in his room till he's, like, one or even longer.
Yeah.
Do you want to hold him? I'm fine.
- He wants you to hold him.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, get him.
Here you go, Uncle Chippy.
Get me! - Oh.
Oh.
- Oh - Yes.
- It's okay.
Hi.
- (TRINITY CHUCKLES) - Hi.
- Look at that.
Natural.
- Yes.
Uncle Chippy.
What's its name? Well, we never would've met if it wasn't for you, so we named him - Chip.
We named him Chip.
- Chip.
- (TRINITY LAUGHS) - Named him Chip, like your name.
Chip.
Yes! Welcome to the family, Uncle Chip.
JODE: You're in.
- Hi, Chip.
- (CRYING) (WHISTLING MELODY)