Becker s02e07 Episode Script

He Said, She Said

( upbeat blues theme playing ) Linda, any messages? Yup.
Oh, what are they? It's just the usual patient stuff.
Uh, blah, blah, blah, neck.
Blah, blah, blah, stomach.
Wh-- Blah, blah, blah, eww.
Oh, this one's okay.
It's from a friend of a friend of yours who's in town and wants to get together.
Oh, no, friends of friends only want money or favors, and I don't even do those for people I like.
You like someone? Yeah, just-- If he calls here again, lose him.
It wasn't a him, it was a her.
I'm sure she won't call here again.
Good.
Because I gave her your number at home and at the diner.
Oh, that-- That's great.
I-I suppose you gave her my pager number too, right? Of course, I'm not incompetent.
Margaret.
Maria.
It is so good to see you.
Oh, you too.
I didn't know you were coming in.
Well, my allergies just flared up, can you squeeze me in? No problem, just go on back to Room 1.
I'll tell the doctor you're here.
Oh, Margaret, listen, it's been ages.
Why don't we have lunch tomorrow? Great, I'd love to.
I can't stand that woman.
Why? She seems so nice.
Did you ever do someone a favor, and then they act like it never happened? Oh, yeah, I hate that.
One time this French guy I knew wanted to be a citizen, so I married him.
I let him live in my place and everything.
Then right after he got his green card, he just took off.
No merci, no beaucoup, no nothing.
Just an apartment full of B.
O.
Well, this is worse.
Three years ago, I loaned her $20 to buy a pair of shoes, and she never paid me back.
You're upset about 20 bucks from three years ago? That's not even seven bucks a year.
Which is only like Thirteen cents a week.
Which is only 1.
8 cents a day.
That's hardly anything.
You did that in your head? You can't even figure out daylight-savings time.
Think about it, Margaret.
Where does that hour go? ( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) ( laughing ) What's so funny? Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Nothin'.
Yeah, nothin'.
Oh, come on, what is it? I'm not gonna tell you.
Why not? Because it's a secret.
You can't keep a secret.
Now, why would you say that? Name one secret that I didn't keep.
Oh, easy, you told me John likes the Backstreet Boys.
Jake, I told you that in confidence.
Say, I-I merely pointed out a couple of their songs are, uh, c-catchy.
So it's true? Oh, you're dead to me.
Besides, why are you singling me out? Jake blabbed too.
Forget it, forget it, you know, you can't be expected to keep a secret being a woman.
Being a woman? Oh, please, put the flag away.
You know, it's-- It's been that way since the beginning of time.
Read the Bible.
You know, Garden of Eden.
Eve shot her big mouth off about the apple.
Biggest secret of all time, she blows it on page two.
As usual, you've got the story wrong.
You wanna know Eve's problem? She hooked up with a loser with no clothes and no job.
She got you there, John.
Excuse me.
John Becker? Yeah.
I'm Nicky Conroy.
We have a mutual friend.
Oh, you're the, uh, friend of a friend, right.
Yeah, I have regards from Chuck Turner.
Chuck Turner from high school? You're a friend of Chuck Turner's? Hey, Jake, you know who this is? A friend of Chuck Turner's? This is amazing.
You know, I-I haven't heard from Chuck for about 20 years or so.
What's--? Sit down here.
Sure.
How do you know Chuck? We work for the same publishing company in L.
A.
This is amazing.
I mean, we-- We go way back.
You know, we had our first cigarette together.
Our first six-pack, our first sex.
Well, not-- Not, uh-- Not together.
We were in separate cars.
So, how's he doin'? Gee, you know, there's so much to tell.
Um, if you're free for lunch, I'll fill you in on everything.
Oh, yeah, no, I can't, I'm busy.
Um, how about dinner? I don't have any plans.
Wait, you do too, you're takin' me to Queens to see my grandmother.
Oh, come on, Jake, your grandma's 97 years old.
I mean, she-- She'll keep for another week.
What-- What do you say, dinner? Great.
Well, I should be going.
All right, all right.
Yeah, uh, actually, I'm on my way too.
I gotta stick a camera up some guy's butt.
Uh, Chuck mentioned I was a doctor, right? Ha, no, but I'm glad you just did.
( blues theme playing ) Hey, how was your lunch with the shoe lady? Did you get your 20 bucks back? I did not.
And believe me, I dropped enough hints.
I talked about shoes so much the people at the next table thought I had a fetish.
I could wait till Jesus comes back, and she still wouldn't give me my 20 bucks.
Don't ask.
Don't care.
Linda, I'm gonna take a late lunch.
So call me at Rinaldi's if there's an emergency.
And I don't mean gum in your hair like last time.
Oh, by the way, that lady who called? Yeah? I fixed everything.
I called her hotel and I left a message that you were dead.
Hi, John.
That's her, isn't it? Yeah, how'd you know? I'm having that kind of life.
( blues theme playing ) So, uh, what's with you and this Nicky? It's been three days now, dinner, lunches, drinks.
It's been great.
She's goin' back to L.
A.
tomorrow.
So have you two, uh? If you're asking whether or not we slept together, the answer's no.
So far, we've just been hangin' out.
You know, the best part, you know-- You know how some people complain about me? Yeah, if by some people you mean everyone? Yeah.
Well, you know, she doesn't.
She just leaves me alone.
N-No bitching, no pressure, nothing.
Huh.
Sh, sh, sh.
Oh, grow up, I could care less about your stupid little secrets.
Why was that a secret? It wasn't, I'm just screwin' with her.
( both laugh ) Anybody in here own that puke green car parked out front? It is not puke green, it's avocado.
It was a very big color in the 70's.
Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's being towed, pal.
Why didn't you say something, you idiot? I'll be right back, someone's trying to steal my car, hey! Well, unless there's change in the ashtray, I don't get it.
Can I get you something? No, thanks, I'm just meeting John.
We're going to a Jets game.
Boy, you two certainly have hit it off.
Well, he's just so much fun to be with.
Becker? Well, different strokes.
Look, you-- You seem to know him pretty well.
And since we've got a minute, I could use some advice.
Can you keep a secret? A secret? Absolutely.
Wait a minute, did Becker put you up to this? Actually, he's who I'm keeping the secret from.
Then I'm your girl.
When I told John I had regards from his old friend Chuck, that wasn't exactly true.
They were kind of regards from me.
What are we talking about? I'm the guy John used to know.
What are we talking about? I used to be Chuck Turner.
I had a sex change operation.
Oh, my God.
You look fabulous.
( chuckles ) Are you and Becker really the same age? Actually, I'm two months older.
Great work.
Oh, thanks.
See, I'm trying to find out a way to tell him, you know.
I mean, I thought maybe I-- Damn cops, you know, first they nail me for expired plates.
So I take the plates off, they nail me again.
What the hell do they want? Sorry, you ready for some football? I was born ready.
Have fun, guys.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Hey, Jake? Yeah? Never mind.
Jake? Yeah? Oh, forget it.
Can I ask you a question? Evidently not.
Okay.
Say somebody knows something about somebody.
And that somebody doesn't want somebody else to know it.
The question is, should the somebody keep the secret, even though somebody else might really get their feelings hurt? What are we talking about? Okay.
I know something about Nicky, but she made me promise not to tell Becker.
And it's big.
Really big.
( chuckling ) What is she, a guy? Oh, my God! ( blues theme playing ) You know, I can't believe how pissed that hotdog guy was when you gave him the big foam finger.
Yeah, well, that hotdog guy's problem began the day he became the hotdog guy.
Want a beer? Sure.
Uh, bottle's fine.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I think a pen broke in there or something.
Here you go.
Thanks.
I gotta tell you somethin', you know, this-- Last couple of days have just been great.
You know, I feel like I can be myself around you.
Well, you seem to be yourself with everyone.
Well, yeah, but it doesn't seem to bother you.
Well, I try to accept people the way they are in the hopes that they'll do the same for me.
You know what would go great with this? Chinese food.
Wow, you like Chinese food, beer, football.
I mean, you're like the perfect woman.
You know, Nicky I-I-I don't usually-- John.
Oh, boy, I'm sorry.
I'm not-- I'm not very good at this.
I'm terrible at it.
No, no, John.
Look, there's something I need to talk to you about.
I should've told you before.
It's about me and Chuck.
Oh, w-- Are-- Are you and Chuck, like a thing? Yeah, but not the way you think.
John? I am Chuck.
What? I had a sex change operation.
What? Beck, it's me.
Holy crap.
Oh, but, no, wait a minute, this is-- No, y-you-- You've got-- You mean, you and now you? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, well, wait a second.
Wait a second-- Wait.
If-- If you're Chuck, w-where's the scar you got-- When you tried to steal third and you slid into my head I-- Cover it with makeup.
But you had a broken nose.
Well, with all the work I had done, do you think I was gonna live with that nose? God, wait-- Whoa, whoa.
This is too weird.
I mean, come on, we used to play football together, and now you're-- You're sitting on my sofa wearing makeup? John, I hoped you of all people would understand.
Well, you thought wrong, I don't understand.
I don't under-- I don't even wanna understand.
Look, John, can't we just talk? No, lis-- You know.
You-- You came in here pretending-- Do you realize that-- You know somethin', I-- You better go.
Go on.
So much for accepting people the way they are.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Oh, God, Maria's on the way in.
Whatever she wants, you handle it.
Oh, come on, Margaret.
Why don't you just ask her for the money? I mean, you've already put it off for three years.
That's 1095 days.
Which is twenty-six thousand, two hundred and-- Knock it off, Rain Man.
I'll talk to her.
Hey, Margaret.
I just wanted to stop by and tell you what a lovely time I had yesterday.
Yeah, that's nice, glad to hear it.
Maria.
Do you remember a pair of suede shoes you bought three years ago? Excuse me? Oh, come on, you got 'em at Macy's.
Taupe, two-inch heels.
Square toes.
Oh, right.
Yeah, but I returned those the next day, got my money back.
Why? Twenty dollars of that money was mine.
You borrowed $20 from me to buy those shoes.
Oh, no, I am so embarrassed.
Oh, I-I-I'm gonna pay you back right now.
No, no, no, Maria, it's not about the money.
Ha! I just wanted to clear the air.
Nonsense.
I am paying you.
No, don't be ridiculous.
I'm sorry I mentioned it.
Oh, okay.
You are so sweet.
( giggles ) I'll see you soon.
Oh, that'll be great.
Bye.
Bye.
Did you see what she did? Yeah, she tried to pay you back, twice.
Everybody knows that it goes in threes.
Someone offers to pay, you say no.
They offer a second time.
You say no again.
Then they are supposed to offer a third time.
That's when you give in and take the money.
That's the rule.
Oh, Dr.
Becker, I'm so sorry I told your girlfriend you were dead.
If she comes back in here again, I promise I'll be nice to her.
A, she's not my girlfriend.
B, I never wanna see her again.
And C, if she shows up here, tell her to get lost.
Jeez, what's with the mood swings? Your time of the month? You know, Linda.
That's a very insensitive comment.
Hi, Linda, I'm just dropping off coffee for Becker.
Well, I'm not really dropping off coffee, but I can't tell you why I am here.
You know what? Let's just forget we talked.
I've never felt so normal in my entire life.
( knocking ) What are you doin' here? You didn't come by for your coffee this morning.
Your coffee stinks.
Yeah, but if you don't keep building up your immunity, someday someone could kill you with it.
Do you got a minute? Yeah, why? Well There's something I have been trying to decide whether I should tell you or not, and, well, I really think I should.
I know something about Nicky, and I think you should know.
You know? Wait, you know? How-- How did you know? Oh, I could just tell.
You could? No, she told me.
Oh, great, does everybody know? Not everybody.
I know, Jake knows-- Jake knows? Jake guessed.
He guessed? Oh, great, what, does the whole world know that I'm dating some woman who used to be guy? They do now.
I cannot believe this.
You didn't think it was important enough to tell me? It was a secret.
Which, by the way, you'll note, I kept.
Even though I'm a woman.
Well, what kept? You ran over here to tell me.
Oh, yeah.
But I didn't, did I? In fact, I kept Nicky's secret longer than Nicky did, and it was her secret.
Yeah, that works.
You know, if I weren't dealing with the fact that I-I-I've been dating some guy whose jock I used to borrow, I-I'd pat you on the back.
Oh, what is it? Are you upset 'cause you were attracted to her? I was not attracted to her.
Little defensive, but okay.
So, what happened when she told you? I threw her out.
Him out.
Both of them.
Becker, why can't you accept Nicky for who she is? She accepts you for who you are, and that's a lot more difficult.
I know all this liberal crap.
I know I'm not supposed to be creeped out, but I am.
Look, I understand.
But, you know, she was your friend once, and I-I don't really see what the difference is now.
You know what I mean.
All-- All right, all right, I'll-- I'll go talk to her.
Good.
And if you do-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be nice.
You couldn't have just been gay like everybody else? I mean, you don't blow into town and drop a bombshell like that.
I mean, use the telephone.
You know, or fax or e-mail.
I bet-- I bet Hallmark even has a card that says, "Guess what? I'm a chick.
" Or how about one of those Christmas letters where people rattle off every stupid thing that's happened to 'em all year? It would've been one of the first interesting one of those ever written.
Get-- It's hard enough to do this without you standing there holding a bra.
It's a camisole.
Just put it down.
God, you know sometimes-- If you weren't a girl, I'd take a swing at you.
Don't let the skirt fool you, I can still kick your ass.
All right, all right, you don't have to get all bent out of shape.
Look, maybe I could of handled it better, but I tried the direct approach with my other friends.
It was the last time they ever talked to me.
What if I had kissed you? I wasn't going to let you kiss me.
Why not? What-- What's wrong with me? Oh, no-- Don't answer that.
You see how confusing this is? Imagine what it was like for an eighth grader.
You're kidding me.
You knew even back then? I sure knew somethin' wasn't right.
It just took me all this time to figure out what to do about it.
I'm a woman, I always was.
I was just born in the wrong package, so I fixed that.
I can't believe you're still in there.
I can't believe you still wear those knit ties.
Yeah, well, when I have something I like, I keep it.
Cute.
So what now? I don't know, I tell you, I have a lot of questions.
Well, you're gonna have to make it quick because I've got a plane to catch.
All right, I'll go right to the head of the list here.
( clears throat ) Should I be at all concerned that I was attracted to a man? Why don't you think of it this way-- You were attracted to an old friend.
Good, I'm gonna go with that.
Are you, look--? Are you--? You sure this was the right thing to do? Yeah, John, I really am.
You're okay? You're happy? I'm happy.
Well, good, you know, that's the-- Good.
I don't know what else to say.
How about "Call me next time you're in New York"? Yeah, all right, why don't you do that? Give me a call.
Thanks, man.
Oh.
( blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )