Becker s02e22 Episode Script

Crosstalk

( upbeat blues theme playing ) Greetings, losers.
Bob has hit a new low.
I didn't think that was possible.
Let me finish.
Do you know who the biggest moron in the world is? I'm not gonna need any of my lifelines to answer that.
It's my cousin, Ralphie.
Till he was 28, he had to wear a helmet around the house.
But I just found out the idiot made 2 million bucks in the stock market.
Why do you care? I care because he just bought a house in the Hamptons, and I'm stuck here with you two in Loserland.
Hey, hey.
You speak for yourself.
We're doing just fine.
Fine? This is the colon of New York.
You're hawking papers, and she's, hm-- Well, come on.
Okay, now I'm depressed.
So I'm walking to work, I don't get two blocks down the street, before this school of bums descends on me like pigeons on a bag of popcorn.
You know, I finally had to say: "Hey, I don't give handouts, but I've got a finger I'd like to give you.
" No one wants to hear about your petty bourgeois problems.
Yeah, Becker, stuff a sock in it.
Why the hate? Because I'm stuck in a dead-end job.
Hey, I'd give anything for a dead-end job.
Oh, speaking of dead-end jobs, Reg, coffee to go, please.
Yeah.
I used to have some self-esteem once.
Wait a second.
Bob just came up with a way for us to reverse the course of our miserable lives.
Well, not all of us, Jake.
I can't work miracles.
Why don't we invest in the market? Because we know nothing about the market.
Hey, we know less than nothing.
Come on.
If my helmet-head cousin can do it, how tough could it be? We pick a hot stock, clench our butt cheeks, and pray for a winner.
Isn't that the Merrill Lynch slogan? And why would we do this with you? Because if I hit it big, it'll kill you that you didn't get in on it.
He's right.
It would kill me.
All right, I'm in.
To add the final nail in the coffin I call my life, me too.
Hey-hey.
How about you, doc? You wanna kick in a couple of bucks? Bob, I don't give handouts, but I got a finger-- All right, all right.
I just thought you might want to make a little cash.
Who knows? Maybe buy yourself a new shirt.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) I can't read this word on Mr.
Pierson's chart.
What does it say? "Hoagies?" ( whispers ): It's "herpes.
" Mr.
Pierson has herpes?! MARGARET: Shh! Mr.
Pierson, you can go back to Room Two.
There's only one patient ahead of you.
Listen, how much longer is this gonna take? 'Cause when I told my boss I needed a long lunch to get a checkup, he nearly had a cow.
But my wife Lorraine's been on my ass to do this, even though I keep telling her, "Lorraine, I'm fine.
If I go to the doctor, he's just gonna find something.
" But does she back off? Say "aah.
" Aah.
Hell, no.
And I feel great.
Usual middle-age crap: aches, pains, a little heartburn.
But a pill and a burp, and I'm fine.
I mean, nothing personal, but the best way to stay healthy is don't go near doctors.
And hospitals? Forget about it.
Go in for a cough, they carry you out in a body bag.
Take-- Take a deep breath, please, and hold it.
Hold it? Yeah, I need a moment to hear myself think.
Yeah, I know.
I talk a lot, but-- Shh, shh.
What? What's wrong? I hear a whooshing sound.
Yeah.
Sounds like it's coming from a-- From a blood vessel.
You know something? It's probably not serious, but I'd like to get an MRI to check it out.
I knew it.
Doctors always find something.
Damn Lorraine.
Look, I gotta go back to work.
I'll get the test next week or something.
I mean, you said it's not serious, right? Probably not, but I'd like to check it out just to be sure.
Tell you what.
Uh, my nurse will set it up for you right now, and you can go straight over to the hospital.
Now? Yeah, now.
( slow blues theme playing ) ( giggling ) What is it? I don't believe it.
This guy has a disease called "Assburgers.
" That's "Asperger's.
" Well, it's funnier if you say "Assburgers.
" It's not funny at all.
It's a serious behavioral disability.
Doctor Becker had to send that patient to a specialist downtown.
So the guy had "Assburgers" to go? ( giggling ) Margaret, did the radiologist call with the results to Mr.
D'Andrea's MRI yet? No.
I called over there.
He's still waiting to take the test.
They're really backed up.
Damn it, he was supposed to have that test this morning.
Get on the phone and keep trying to push it through, will you? ( giggling ) "Assburgers.
" Linda.
I know.
I'm horrible.
I'll stop.
Good.
Because it may sound amusing, but it's not.
Do you have any idea how many people have Asperger's? Probably over 50 billion served.
( laughing ) ( blues theme playing ) ( connection ringing ) Okay, we're online, and our account's set up, and we're buying 50 shares of the computer chip company, right? Let's do it.
Okay.
No! Not again.
Come on, Bob, you can't keep changing your mind.
We checked this company out.
It's solid.
Yeah, but it's too high-tech.
We should go the other way and find something that appeals to the common, uneducated slob on the street.
You have our attention.
Give me the Post.
Aha! See? Now, this is what I'm talking about.
"One-Armed Man Marries Three-Breasted Woman?" That's gonna be one busy man.
( exhales ) No, this.
Some company's making an IMAX movie on the life of Jesus.
I smell a winner.
Who doesn't love Jesus? I don't believe the Romans were too fond of him.
I say we go with the computer company.
No, look.
They're building the theater in Branson, Missouri.
That's like Dollywood, but without the class.
Look, I'm-- I'm sick of arguing about this, all right? Let's just pick a stock and get in.
( beeps ) Did I do what I think I just did? Yep.
Thanks to you, we just bought 50 shares of some company called International Allied Industries.
What do they do? I have no idea, but we own it.
Okay.
We're in the stock market.
All right.
This is cool.
What's it doing? Nothing.
It's just sitting there.
Sell! ( mellow blues theme playing ) ( coin clinking ) Yeah, don't screw with me.
Dr.
Becker? You Dr.
Becker? Yeah.
What the hell's going on? You're just sitting here drinking coffee? What are you talking about? I'm talking about your patient, Frank D'Andrea.
He comes to see you for a routine checkup, you ship him off to the hospital for some test, he's stuck up there waiting for hours.
Meanwhile, you're down here drinking coffee.
Uh, is this how you treat people? Aren't you guys supposed to be nice? I'm sorry, doctor.
I left my halo in the car.
Well, Father, they're just a little backed up around here today.
Well, that's not helping Frank, is it? Where's your compassion? The man's thinking he's really sick.
He's afraid to call his wife because he doesn't want to alarm her.
Nobody will give him any information, so he called me to see what I could come over and find out.
Like I told Frank, until I see the results of his MRI, there's nothing really to talk about.
Oh, can't you doctors ever give anybody a straight answer? Look, I-I-I realize you priests are obliged to come to the hospital and "make your rounds," so I'll tell you what, why don't you just leave your time card here.
I'll punch it, and then-- Then you can tell God you were here.
You always such a smart-ass? You know, Father, I realize you're his priest, but he's my patient, so I really don't have to tell you a damn thing.
Oh, yes, I know.
Well, without violating your professional ethics, or interrupting your coffee break, can you at least tell me if you think it's something serious? Yeah.
It might be.
Oh, John, I apologize.
It's been crazy here today.
I've got D'Andrea's film.
Let me take a look at it.
At first the MRI didn't seem to reveal any abnormality.
It just looked like a black hole.
Excuse me-- I know I heard something when I examined him.
Uh, an AVM on the left side.
Doctor Becker-- That's why I ran an MR angio.
You were right.
The vessels lit up like a Christmas tree.
Nice catch, John.
Thanks.
Are you gonna tell me what's going on or not? Look, I should really be talking to my patient, but if you want me to waste my time talking to you, fine.
Tests show he has an arteriovenous malformation.
In English.
In English, Father, that means he has a tangle of blood vessels in his brain that could rupture at any moment unless we operate immediately.
Now, if that's English enough for you, then please excuse me.
( mellow blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) I've been up all night.
I can't take the pressure.
As soon as the market opens, we gotta sell.
Sell? Our stock only dropped half a point yesterday.
Oh, sure, that's easy for you to say.
I work hard for that money.
Your mother gave you that money.
Hey.
Until you've tried to pry a buck out of those arthritic fingers, you don't know what work is.
Relax, Bob.
The company is solid.
I did some research.
It says right here: it's a multinational, vertically integrated, cross-platform service conglomerate.
Yeah.
What does that mean? It's multinational.
Mm-hm.
And vertical.
( beeps ) Okay.
The market's open.
Here we go.
Nineteen and a half.
We're up.
Ha-ha.
And you were worried.
Hold it.
It's down.
I knew it.
Sell it! No, it just went up two points.
Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
Heh, we're on a roll.
Heh-heh.
I know.
If it keeps this up, my days of schlepping food in this dump may soon be over.
Heh-heh.
Can you imagine? Get all new appliances, maybe fix the place up, huh? Fix it up? Heh.
I'm gonna walk away from it and leave it burning behind me.
Well, you will tell me when you do that, won't you? It's up another point.
I love this.
I'm sitting on my ass and making money.
Ha! All my dreams are coming true.
Wellnot all of them.
You know, they say money is the greatest aphrodisiac.
No, that's alcohol.
And trust me, there isn't enough of it in the world.
( laughs ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( knock on door ) Got a minute? What are you doing here? I just came by to apologize for yesterday.
I didn't mean to-- Get in my face? Not my intent.
But again, if it came off that way, I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
Well, that's all I came by to say.
I'm going to the hospital.
Hey.
Frank just went into surgery.
It's gonna be several hours.
You know, Dr.
Levinson is an excellent neurosurgeon.
He's-- He's in good hands.
I know.
He's in God's hands.
Yeah, well, unless God went to Johns Hopkins, I think I'll stick with Bob Levinson.
Whatever.
Yeah, w-wait a second.
Wait a second.
Why do you guys always say that? You know, "In God's hands.
" What-- What does that really mean? It gives people comfort.
Patients need to find meaning in what they're going through.
What if there is no meaning? What if it's all just random? Random? Well, God got him to you on time, didn't he? I wouldn't call that random.
Oh, come on.
What, you don't think God looks out for people? Oh, please, that's just a story you tell a kid who's afraid of the dark.
Interesting.
With one swipe of your tongue, you just reduced 2,000 years of faith to a bedtime story.
You know, I happen to know a lot of religious doctors.
I know a lot of alcoholic doctors.
It doesn't make heavy drinking a good idea.
Oh, come on.
Father, the guy comes in for a routine physical, the next day he's having brain surgery.
You know, where-- Where's the meaning there? I don't pretend to understand God's plan.
Plan? What--? What plan? I mean, you hear these stories all the time.
Some guy has it all, you know: wife, kids, job.
Next thing you know, he walks out his front door, and God drops a piano on his head.
You know, some plan.
Sounds more like premeditated murder to me.
Sure you don't want to collect your thoughts and get back to me? You know, maybe we shouldn't have this discussion.
Oh, please.
I've been a priest 30 years.
You think there's some form of "I don't believe" I haven't heard? Think I'm gonna lift my skirts, jump on that desk and scream: "Eek, an atheist"? And actually, I became an atheist.
I was raised agnostic.
Don't you believe in giving your patients hope? Uh, yeah, I don't believe in giving them false hope.
What kind of hope did you give Frank? Or did you just hit him with that "piano" thing? I told him that-- That he should try not to worry.
That they've had a lot of success with this procedure.
Wow.
I'll bet that filled him with confidence.
So, what are his chances? They're-- They're pretty good, actually.
You know, if all goes well.
But it doesn't always.
You know? He could have a hemorrhage during surgery, he could stroke out, even die.
I've seen it happen before.
And then the family sits around in shock, because someone told them that God would take care of their loved ones.
And then I'm stuck trying to explain why God didn't come through.
Must be difficult.
You're damned right it is.
Would you like to talk about it? Oh, boy.
Yeah, you know something, Father, you-- You work your side of the street, I-I'll work mine.
You got it.
You know, you remind me of that old joke: Know what the difference is between doctors and God? God doesn't think he's a doctor.
Hey, you know, I got news for you.
If he comes out of surgery, and the first thing he sees is a priest, he's not exactly gonna be filled with confidence.
Oh, they are building you ( door closes ) a condo in hell even as we speak.
( mellow blues theme playing ) Done, done and done.
We are now fully computerized.
Every single patient up to and including that guy with "Assburgers.
" Linda.
Oh, there's something wrong.
I can't get into the file.
That's because I changed the password.
Would you like to tell me the new password? I don't know.
What if it fell into the wrong hands? It started in the wrong hands.
Well, okay, but you're not gonna like it.
Linda, what is the password? Assburgers.
You gotta admit, you'll never forget it.
Margaret, I'm gonna take off early.
I wanna get to the hospital before Frank D'Andrea gets out of surgery.
( giggling ) "Assburgers.
" That is kind of funny.
Are you talking about Asperger's syndrome? Is that what you're laughing at? Margaret, I'm surprised at you.
That's a very serious illness.
Yeah, Margaret.
Really.
( door opens ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) This world of high finance, it's just like sex with my ex-wife.
You're up, you're down, you're in, you're out, you're never quite sure when it's over, but in the end you know it's gonna cost you money.
I can't listen.
I just can't listen to him anymore.
Just sell the damn stock.
Gladly.
( beeps ) Okay, Bob, you can stop crying.
We're out.
Whoo.
What a thrill ride.
How'd we do? Let's see.
Less commission we've made a profit of $17.
50 apiece.
I'm ahead $17.
50? Bob is hot.
Who wants to go to Atlantic City? Three-hour bus ride to watch you wet yourself at a blackjack table? Fine.
I'll take Mom.
It'd be good for her to get a little fresh air.
That reminds me.
I have to change her tank.
Well, so much for getting rich quick, huh? Oh, my God.
That IMAX Jesus movie that Bob wanted to invest in? They got taken over by Disney.
Disney bought Jesus? Yeah, and it just went up 28 points.
Bob knew this, it would kill him.
I'll try to catch him.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( indistinct PA announcement ) Where's your God now? It shouldn't be too much longer.
( sighs ) Dr.
Levinson said he'd page me as soon as Frank's out of surgery.
You mind if I wait in here? I've been with Frank's wife all afternoon, and to tell you the truth, she's driving me nuts.
Thought you people were supposed to like everyone.
It's not always easy.
Tell me about it.
( indistinct PA announcement ) Well, this is stupid.
We could at least have a conversation.
We could, as long as it's not about religion.
You like sports? Yeah.
Yeah, I like football.
Used to play a little in college.
Yeah, I like it too.
Mm-hm.
Every once in a while I go back and catch the Harvard-Yale game.
Oh.
Watch 'em kick their Yalie asses back to New Haven.
Hm.
I went to Yale.
Okay.
New subject.
( sighs ) So are you married? Divorced twice.
There's a shocker.
Okay.
New subject.
He does nice work, doesn't he? I thought we weren't gonna talk about God.
We aren't.
Those came from Dr.
Hilborn upstairs.
Well, I think maybe we should just go back to sitting here quietly.
Works for me.
Although I gotta say something.
You knowyou're not just one of those light-a-candle-and-run kind of priests.
I mean, you're really here for this guy.
You're helping his family.
You obviously-- You obviously care a lot.
Well, Frank's not just a member of my parish.
He happens to be my brother.
You mean, like in a "All men are brothers" kind of way? No, like in a, "We had the same mother and father" kind of way.
Oh, wow.
Oh, jeez.
I feel like such a-- Schmuck? You know, you could have told me.
Would it have made any difference? Yeah.
I wouldn't have been so blunt about his condition.
I would have lied a little bit so you wouldn't have to be so worried.
That's what I figured.
So you tricked me? Yeah.
I needed to know the truth.
Oh, man.
All-- All this time we've-- We've been arguing, you're worried about your brother.
Well, screaming at you helped me take my mind off things.
Still feel like a schmuck.
That's okay.
I forgive you.
Like you have a choice.
( pager beeps ) It's Dr.
Levinson.
I'll be right back.
( indistinct PA announcement ) It's Becker.
Thank you very much.
He's fine.
He's fine.
Surgery was a complete success.
No complications.
Prognosis is excellent.
Thank God.
And thank you.
Wellat least I got a mention.
Look, he's gonna be, uh-- He's gonna be in recovery for a while.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna go grab a cigarette before I talk to his wife.
You'll need it.
Listen, do you mind if I join you? Do you smoke? You know, it's the one vice they still allow me.
That's interesting, Father.
Cigarettes kill you.
I-I wonder why God made them.
Yeah, yeah.
He works in mysterious ways.
Just shut up.
( mellow blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )