Becker s04e04 Episode Script

Dog Days

1 Oh, I really want to see This new julia roberts movie.
Oh, bob would love to see that movie.
Great! Then you go see it, Let me know how it is, and if it's worth it, I'll find someone to go with.
So, you wouldn't? Not ever.
Just checking.
Uh, excuse me.
I-I'm sorry to bother you all, but, uh I was just robbed.
Don't look at me.
I mean, if you are looking at me.
No, I I was on the subway.
Okay, then.
I-I was I was coming uptown on the nine train, And it was crowded, And when I got off, I-I realized That my wallet was gone.
The nine train? I hate the nine train.
Although, if you take it down to 42nd street, There's a guy there who does the mambo With a life-size rag doll.
The guy? Not so good.
But the doll? Very talented.
Man: See, the thing is, though, I-I need to get back to new jersey.
It's-it's my son's birthday, And if I don't hurry, I'm going to miss the last train, So I was wondering if I could Well, if I could borrow just like eight bucks.
I understand.
Here's ten.
Keep it.
Thanks, but I insist-- I'm definitely paying you back.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, give it back.
Give back the money.
What are you doing? Becker? Did the guy just tell you That-that he got robbed on a train, He has to get back to jersey For his kid's birthday? That's exactly what he said.
How did you know? Because I saw him pull the same stunt A couple of days ago.
You're lying, and I'm giving you money? What, are we dating? I-I think he's got me confused with somebody else.
No, no, no, no, no.
I was at a diner down the street Hey! No, it was a Newsstand around the corner and Hey! The guy's a con artist.
He makes his living Scamming suckers like you.
Hey! I give up.
I give up.
Honestly, I I don't know what he's talking about.
Why would you lie about being robbed? Why would you lie about living in jersey? The guy's a hustler.
He just needs money for booze or drugs Or, you know, whatever else he's Strung out on.
All right, I-I lied to you.
Ah, thank you.
But, hey, I I'm no junkie, all right? The truth is, I got laid off from my job, Got evicted from my apartment, And my son and I have been living Out of my pontiac sunbird.
Sunbird, huh? Sweet.
Look, I-I lied because I need money for food To feed my kid.
There.
You happy now? Yeah, you happy now, becker? Here you go.
Thank you.
Yeah, you know what? You take care.
All right, here's a little something from me, too.
Thank you.
I I'd better get back.
You all are very generous.
You all are very gullible.
I mean, the guy's just trying To get a little something for nothing.
Becker, you didn't pay for your coffee.
I'll catch you later.
You know, guy like that really makes you think.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, in ten minutes, He made like 22 bucks, tax free.
That's a $132 per hour.
Eight hours a day, that's $5,280 per week.
Minus two weeks vacation, that makes it $264k per year.
I mean, you add five percent interest, If he puts it in a no-load mutual fund, That brings it to $396,000 a year! Guy could be living in a beemer, easy.
Come on, please! Don't take away our cable! Please don't cut us off.
I need it.
My husband needs it.
I promise, I'll get you the money.
Oh! Margaret, it's okay.
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step.
What we've got to do now is get you into rehab.
I was talking to the cable company.
Okay, have it your way.
How many "cables" do you need to get through a day? Cable television, linda.
I'm having trouble paying the bill.
I'm having trouble paying all of my bills.
With-with louis out of work, things are getting tight.
I didn't know he was out of work.
I thought he was just taking some time off To find himself.
Yeah, he's found himself-- On the couch, all day, drinking slurpees.
Oh, I love slurpees.
You know what's really great? When they haven't cleaned the machine for a while So there's, like, a mystery flavor mixed in.
And you know what else? Could I leave early? No.
I'm leaving early.
I have an interview for a part-time job As a home care nurse.
And I have an appointment for a french pedicure.
So what do you want to do, flip a coin? I want to warn you guys about something.
There's a con artist going around the neighborhood Telling some sob story about being robbed.
Don't buy it.
He's just trying to score a quick buck.
(phone ringing) I hate that.
People should work for their money.
(phone continues ringing) I mean, do they expect to get paid for doing nothing? Nobody seems To do their job anymore.
Linda Linda Oh, right.
Hold on.
Because, in this life, If you want something, you have to get it yourself.
Which reminds me, I'm going for slurpees.
Anybody? Ah, damn, I forgot my sunglasses.
I always wondered, why do you wear those things, anyway? Well, same reason as everyone else: To look cool.
So why the two different shoes? Damn.
Becker: Oh, you'll never guess who just popped out Of the liquor store.
Okay, you know what? Enough with the euphemism.
If my fly's open, just tell me.
No, no, no, no, the guy from the diner this morning Who was asking for the money.
Oh.
Hey, buddy, what you got? A couple of cold ones there for the kid? Man, you again? No, I wasn't buying beer.
See, look, uh, razors, uh, toothpaste, soap.
You like to check my pockets? Is that where you keep your kid? Come on, john, cut him some slack.
Ah, it's all right.
My son happens to be around the corner in our buick.
I thought you said it was a pontiac.
Yeah, what, do you live in the pontiac, Summer in the buick? All right, I lied.
(laughs) man, you are incredible.
Hey, look, uh, the truth is Oh, the truth.
Here we go.
My son He doesn't live with me.
He lives with my ex-wife in chicago.
I-I did have a job, all right? But I got fired when I got sick, so So there.
Are you happy now? So now you're sick.
Fine.
I'll play.
What do you have? Aortic stenosis.
(chuckling): Nice try.
This guy's a doctor, all right? If you're going to try and scam him, You have to come up with something That at least sounds real.
No, that's real, jake.
Well, it still doesn't sound right.
Well, let Let's just see.
When was your last echocardiogram? Two years ago.
What was your valvular gradient? That's high.
Are you on medication? I can't afford it anymore.
So, did I pass your little test? Is this guy for real? He might just be.
Look, you need medical attention.
If you don't have treatment, you could have heart failure.
I know.
Uh, why don't you come by my office in the morning? I'll take some blood, run some tests And get you back on medication.
And Don't worry about the cost.
I'll I'll take care of it.
All right.
Hang on a second.
Oh, what, you've got to check your date book? No, no.
I got to sneeze.
(sneezes) Thanks.
I should tell you, wally is quite old, And in addition to his insulin shots For the diabetes, He requires constant attention and care, Though he's still often quite playful.
Playful? Oh, yes.
And fair warning, he may want to sit in your lap From time to time.
Will he tell me before he does that? (laughing): Oh, no.
That's not wally.
That's my father.
86 years old and still clinging desperately to life.
Ever so desperately.
Well, who-who? Wally! (barks) Uh, excuse me, but I thought I was caring for A person.
Believe me, wally's much better company And he has fresher breath.
Now, why don't you tell us a bit About your nursing experience? Uh, well, I-I-I graduated from nyu nursing school And, uh, then I interned at the o.
R.
At mt.
Sinai.
After that I, uh (clears throat) I-I did private duty For five years And, uh, I've been For the last seven years, I've been working for a general practitioner.
Well, I suppose you're qualified.
To take care of a dog? I would think so.
Of course, the final decision is wally's.
Mrs.
Mcguiness What do you say, wally? (barking) Uh He likes you! Yes, well, could you ask him to like me a little less? These are new slacks.
Wally! Enough.
Who's a good boy? Uh, mrs.
Mcguiness Wally I-I-I really don't think that I am right for this job.
Perhaps a, uh, veterinarian Or a, uh, dog walker.
Pays $600 a week.
Who's a good boy?! Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Really? Excuse me.
Uh, ma'am, it's kind of an emergency I'm having.
In a minute.
The doctor asked me to leave a urine sample before, But I didn't have to go.
Now I do Badly.
So, if I could, I should Soon.
In a minute, okay? So, let me get this straight.
It's called "saltwater taffy," yet it's sweet? Weird.
Okay, in a minute, I'll just be able to hand you my pants.
Kim Kim, I'll call you back.
Here.
Oh, I'm surprised you showed up.
I'm surprised you're really a doctor.
I thought your job was to make my life miserable.
No, that's just my hobby.
Come on.
So, what's new? I started my job last night.
Really? How was it? It was fine.
Linda, did you happen to notice Anything different about me Like the dog? I try not to comment on your clothes Ever since last year's christmas sweater.
He's not a part of my outfit.
This is who I'm taking care of.
He's my patient.
You work for him? That means a dog is your boss.
Wow! His day nurse didn't show up, so I had to bring him in with me.
Becker: Margaret, can I see you for a minute? Coming.
Just get started on these charts.
Gee, you don't have to bark at me, margaret.
Oh, get it? "bark.
" Yes? Yeah, margaret, I'm going to give this guy a physical, Run some blood tests and get him an echocardiogram, But I don't want to have him charged for any of this.
Aren't you going to ask me about the dog around my neck? No, no, I learned my lesson with that christmas sweater.
Margaret, can I scratch your boss's tummy? John, linda wants to see you.
Okay, margaret, I've got your order, but I just don't get it.
Six sausages and some newspaper.
Why? Do I dress so badly That no one notices I'm wearing a dog? Well, you know, ever since last year I know, I know, the christmas sweater.
Actually, I was thinking Of the pantsuit with the circles.
Get out.
The dog goes really nice with your eyes.
Out! Blind guy here.
Blind guy.
Never seen springtime.
Blind guy.
Ooh! A five.
That's very generous.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Plan b.
Deaf guy.
Deaf guy here.
Music is just a word.
Deaf guy.
Bob, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
There are people out here with real disabilities.
Yeah? Tell me about it, margaret.
There's a guy around the corner with no legs kicking my ass.
(wally barks) Look, margaret I-I know you don't like when I call them puppies, But one of them things just barked.
Bob, why don't you beg for something you really need, Like a little dignity? (wally barking) All right, I heard you the first time.
We're going.
Louis, there's no reason for you to be jealous.
Wally is a dog.
If I was going to cheat on you, I would have taken your brother up On his offer last thanksgiving.
Yes, your brother.
I almost took him up on it.
Okay, wally, let's see what you're having.
Mmm, braised carrots.
Oh, those little potatoes with the red skin.
And, ooh, filet mignon.
Oh.
The hell you are.
Ooh.
(whimpers) Mmm.
(clears throat) Uh-oh.
This is very disappointing, margaret.
Oh, it's just that it looked so good.
I'm sorry.
You don't need to apologize to me.
You need to apologize to wally.
(cackles) Yeah, right.
He's waiting.
You expect me to apologize to a dog? You seem to be forgetting who works for whom.
I will not humiliate myself by apologizing to some animal.
What is wrong with you people? Filet mignon? Wally has a very discriminating palate.
Have you ever seen him say hello to another dog? He's still waiting for you to say you're sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ever stepped foot into this nuthouse.
I quit.
I am done being nursemaid to a dog.
You can't speak to me or to wally like that.
Elizabeth, shut up.
I'd like to apologize For my daughter's behavior.
She's an insensitive, unhappy woman Who can't find anyone to love her but that dog.
(whimpers) Margaret If you stay, I'll pay you $700 a week to look after me.
$700? Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Oh, I think I'd like that.
Now you'll really see who's a good boy.
Mmm, thanks for breakfast.
It's delicious.
It's today's special.
Yeah, by "special," she means she made it today.
That's what I told them.
I got to hand it to you, marty.
I don't know how you survive out there on the streets like that.
Yeah, that's right, bob.
What are you doing here? You gave up panhandling? Absolutely.
Not working is the hardest work I've ever done.
Bob's decided to leave begging where it belongs-- In the bedroom.
Boy, you got some nerve showing up here.
Excuse me? I just ran all your tests.
You don't have aortic stenosis.
Matter of fact, you don't have a damn thing wrong with you.
Well, that-that's a relief.
I-I thought I might be lactose-intolerant.
Now, don't be such a smart-ass.
You lied to me.
But you knew everything about that disease.
My mother had it.
Then why'd you go through with the exam? It was a free physical.
Besides, I thought it might Give this guy something better to do Than follow me around bitching.
Wait a minute.
I got hit in the head with a lit cigarette And you scored a free physical? You magnificent jobless bastard, I salute you.
Becker: You know something? I-I don't like being made a fool of.
Neither do my friends.
What do you want me to say? You want me to say thanks for the physical? O-okay, okay, thanks.
Are you proud of yourself going through life like this? Yeah, scamming people? Playing on their sympathies? Why didn't you just tell the truth? Because people don't want to hear the truth.
They want a story.
They want to feel Like they're helping a guy who Who got robbed Or Or who has a fatal illness.
It It makes them feel good about themselves Just like it made you feel good about yourself Giving me that physical.
No, no, don't turn this on me.
I tried to help you.
Admit it.
Would you have helped me if I had just asked you? You want the truth? I mean, do you You really want the truth? I'm just a homeless bum, okay? I can't put my life together.
I don't have a kid.
I don't have a wife.
I don't have any friends.
I got nothing, all right? There.
You happy now? Was that so hard? It was humiliating.
Wait.
Here.
I hope that helps.
(whispers): Oh, thank you.
Look, I I just want you all to know, For what it's worth-- thank you-- The The money you've given me is for food and And a warm place to sleep.
Thank you.
And I promise, I'll I'll pay you And you know what? Just thanks.
Thank you very much.
All right, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There.
Thank you.
(whistling): Taxi! Belmont racetrack, and step on it! There.
Are you happy now? On top of everything else, That poor guy has a gambling problem.
Oh