Becker s04e05 Episode Script

Really Good Advice

1 Jake, I'm taking a new york times And a snickers.
Leave the money on the counter.
You know, jake, I don't know if I've ever told you this before, But you have a really great job.
I mean, I really admire what you're doing.
I don't know what you want, bob, But the answer's no.
I don't want anything.
I've just been watching what you do here, And you're so lucky.
I mean, you give people pleasure.
They come to you for the things that make them feel good: Newspapers, candy, cigarettes.
Skin magazines.
Exactly! The necessities! Wish my job were more like that.
Hey, bob, y-your job's important.
You're the superintendent of a building.
Think about it.
People call you "the super.
" It's mostly just a title.
Listen, bob, you solve people's problems.
Me, well, I sell candy, cigarettes and porn.
I am their problem.
But at least you get respect.
You know, I'm sure the people In your building respect you, too.
Bob, you lazy little hair ball.
When are you going to get off your ass And fix my damn stove? All right, he doesn't respect you.
At least he needs you.
I'm taking a pack of cigarettes here, jake.
He needs you more.
Leave the money on the counter.
Hey, reg, get out here, will ya? I need coffee.
Don't you ever get tired Of barking at me for coffee? Don't you ever get tired of talking Before you give it to me? Before and after.
Oh, hey, I wasn't kidding, bob.
When are you going to fix my stove? Hey, look, I came to your apartment to fix it last night, But it sounded like there was a party going on, so I left.
I wasn't even home last night.
I was out on a date.
Okay, so we're both lying.
Look, I forgot about your stove.
You're on the list.
Yeah, I got a list, too, bob, And you're on it.
So, becker, I didn't know you had a date.
Oh, dear, did I forget to clear that With the entertainment committee? So how'd it go? It took me forever to get there.
I got stuck in traffic.
You know, would someone please tell me Why they do construction in the middle of rush hour? Becker, for once, can we skip traffic And get right to the news? Oh It was a good time, you know.
Beth's, uh, beth's terrific.
As a matter of fact, It was the best date I've had in quite a long time.
Well, good.
I'm happy for you.
Yeah, I'm just sorry that she got a headache And had to leave early.
( laughing ) What? Okay, normal people know this, And now I'll tell you.
There are no headaches on great dates.
That was an excuse to leave Because she was having a terrible time.
Nah, you don't know what you're talking about, reg.
You were late.
Did you at least say you were sorry? Sorry for what? It wasn't my fault.
You say "I'm sorry" to be polite.
You're sorry you made her wait.
You're sorry you inconvenienced her.
I was there, you weren't.
You know, trust me, we had a great time.
You had a great time.
She had a headache.
I swear, becker, If you knew anything at all about women, You'd call her up and you'd tell her you're sorry.
Yeah, you know, and if you knew anything about men, You'd be home ruining your husband's life Instead of here ruining mine.
I'm taking a paper Here, jake.
Ooh, jake, may I? Go for it.
Leave the money on the counter.
God, what a rush! Morning, margaret.
Just give me a minute, And then you can send the first one back.
Well? Well, what? Don't you "well, what?" me.
You know very well what.
What? The medicare forms.
You promised you would have your diagnostic notes Completed three days ago.
Yeah, look, margaret, they're done.
I just left them back in my apartment.
They're not done, And they're still in your office.
Oh, thank god.
I'd thought I'd lost them.
John, if we don't submit the forms, We don't get reimbursed, which means Not only is there no money coming in, There's no margaret coming in.
Hey, you know something, I'm tired of you coming in here And busting my Oh, forget it! I don't even know why I bother talking to you.
Yeah, no, margaret, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Uh, come back here.
Let me try this.
Hey, uh Margaret, I'm sorry.
What the hell kind of answer is that?! Well, it was You know, I was trying Reggie said to me You repeatedly break your promise, cover it up with lies, Then you waste my time By forcing me to remind you to do your job, And you think that you can wipe the slate clean By saying "I'm sorry"? You know, it didn't sound right to me, either.
Well, now, don't get all ( sighs ) Damn reggie.
Linda, I-I'm busy.
Get out.
My parents are fighting again, and it's my dad's birthday.
Well, so get him a tie.
Now get out.
His girlfriend's throwing him this party.
My mom's still furious At both of them for, You know, the whole "adultery" thing.
So, I'm caught in the middle.
I don't want my mom to be mad at me, But on the other hand, it's dad's birthday And I don't want to offend his girlfriend.
I mean, the woman practically raised me.
Tough break.
That's all you can say-- "tough break"? All right, wait.
Uh, yeah, I'm-I'm sorry.
You don't mean that! You don't even care what I'm going through! I bet you didn't even listen to one word I said! I was, too, listening.
It was something about a tie! Okay, so let me get this straight.
If a tenant has a problem, They just call you up on that cell phone? Yep.
That way, wherever I am, I can always be reached.
Oh, look at that-- 23 messages.
Wow, y-you really are needed.
So what do you say, jake? You want to trade jobs? I have to admit, the idea does intrigue me, But I got to tell you, bob, I'm not exactly mr.
I mean, hell, I'm barely mr.
Look, nothing to it.
When a tenant calls, you tell them they're on the list, And then you hook them up with a trained professional.
I can do that.
Congratulations, my friend.
You're officially the new super.
That's it? Not quite.
( chuckles ) You really need all these keys? Nah.
This one's the master.
I just keep the rest here 'cause I like to jingle 'em.
I got something for you, too.
Here's my cash box.
Oh, yeah.
I got to be honest.
My heart's racing.
Hey, thanks a lot.
You know, thanks a whole hell of a lot.
You know what you did to me? Think about it, becker.
Where am I going to get fresh seafood? What? Oh.
Well, then, never mind.
What were you talking about? All that crap about "I'm sorry.
" I tried it.
Completely worthless.
Margaret-- she had a problem with it, right? So, I'd say, "I'm sorry.
" Didn't work at all.
Then linda had something, you know, and I said, "sorry," And it didn't work with her, either.
You want to know why? Oh, yeah, please.
Enlighten me.
'cause you're an idiot.
"I'm sorry" isn't like Like ketchup.
You can't just dump it all over everything And expect it to hide all your mistakes.
So? Then what the hell good is "I'm sorry"? Well, if you're sincere, it can mean all kinds of things.
It can mean, "I'm listening.
" It can mean, "I care.
" What if I don't care? Then don't say it.
Then I won't.
Then you'll be sitting alone In that stupid apartment, Watching tv, eating chinese takeout For the rest of your life.
Hey, you know, what makes you such an expert On successful relationships? I'm an expert on failed relationships.
Yeah, well, your sorry life aside, you know, I did not screw up with beth, and I'll prove it to you.
Becker, I didn't know you had a cell phone.
I only use it for emergencies.
Like proving you wrong.
Hey, beth, hi.
John becker.
How you doing? Uh, well, good.
Listen, I was wondering, are-are you free Saturday? Really? Well, that's even better.
Yeah, all right.
How about dinner? Yeah, I'll-I'll meet you at nicolai's, 8:00.
Ha! Yeah, not only did she say yes, But she doesn't want to wait until Saturday.
We're going to meet tomorrow.
So, as I may have mentioned, ha! Becker, today is Tuesday.
That means tomorrow is Wednesday.
Well, thanks, big bird.
Maybe later We'll work on numbers.
You have a Wednesday date.
A Wednesday.
So? So, she doesn't want to waste a Saturday on you.
Wednesday dates are pity dates.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, jake.
Are you ever insulted when a woman Wants to go out with you on a Wednesday? Never.
Ha! It's 'cause I never go out on Wednesday.
That's pity night.
All right, you know See? You're both just full of it.
You know, there's nothing negative About a Wednesday date.
He's right.
All bob's dates are on wednesdays.
Yeah, well, I have to get back to work.
( phone ringing ) Hello.
The super? Yeah, hold on.
I'll get him for you.
For you.
Yeah? Your shower's leaking? You're on the list.
How'd it feel? Felt good, man.
Really good.
Becker, you have a patient in room one, And mr.
Tillman stopped by and left a urine sample.
Oh, please, god, Let it be in a cup this time.
Hey, I want to, uh, want to ask you something, linda.
You go out with a lot of guys, right? Well, not really.
I mean Yeah.
Well, what do you think About going out on Wednesday night? Dr.
Becker, I really don't think that's appropriate.
What? Oh, no, no, no I mean, it's okay.
You're a man, I'm an incredibly desirable woman.
But How to say this? When I choose who to go out with, I kind of have this rule.
You can be old, you can be poor, But you can't be both.
Yeah, l-linda, I'm not talking about us.
Becker, there is no "us.
" I'm not asking you out! I just want to know If a Wednesday date has some kind of secret meaning.
Thank you.
It's no secret.
Wednesday's pity night.
How can I be the only one who doesn't know this? Mr.
Spector, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
That's okay.
I got time.
I do have time, right? Yeah, you haven't paid your bill in three months.
You're not going anywhere.
Hey, let me ask you something.
You're old, you'd know.
Is there some kind of a secret, you know, To getting along with women? Dr.
Becker, I've been with a lot of women.
Oh, yeah? Really? Okay, four.
But there's only one thing that's ever worked for me.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
Saying you're sorry, right? No, "sorry" makes you sound weak And helpless, like some kind of sissy.
So what do you do? I cry.
You cry? Well, I-I've only done it twice.
Once when my wife found out I really didn't go To a sales convention in cleveland, And another time when she found out The person I didn't go with was her sister.
Fake crying, huh? Now, how's that work? Well, I pull a hair out of my nose.
I'll keep that in mind.
Tilt your head up that way.
Wow, boy, you really have only cried twice.
So How long have you And your wife been together? Oh.
We got married in '45.
Divorced in '46.
Have-- well, have you been alone this whole time? You bet.
It's the good life.
I got nobody to answer to, nobody bothering me.
I got tv, I got takeout, and if I want to see people, There's a nice little coffee shop I can go to.
Well, you know how great it is.
You're single.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
The good life.
Oh, john? I have a message from a woman named beth Confirming your date tonight.
Thank you, and I got something for you.
Here you go-- Medicare forms all filled out and ready to go.
"good"? That's it? You've been nagging me for days.
You know, here they are.
You know, where's the "way to go, john"? Where's the "attaboy"? You know, I have my work here, I have a lot going on at home, And still You want me to pat you on your head Because you finally did what you were supposed to do last week.
Well, fine.
Good job.
Thank you.
Way to go.
Hey Oh, come on.
I-I appreciate what you do around here, And I know that sometimes I make your job a lot harder.
From now on, you tell me to do something, it's done.
No excuses.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry, margaret.
Wow, john, a real apology.
I really think you mean it.
Thank you.
Say you're sorry, and mean it.
Did you order a kahlua and coke? Yeah.
When I was, like, 11.
But a half hour ago, I ordered a beer.
Sir, you don't have to snap at me.
Oh, right, right, you probably have feelings, too.
Um Let me try this, um I'm sorry.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
I'll go get you that beer.
Wow, that That's amazing.
Mm! Beth I know, I'm late, but, well, You of all people will appreciate this.
I'm coming across the bridge, And all of a sudden, traffic comes to a dead stop.
( chuckles ) know why? A road crew is repainting the lines on the street, And right in the middle of Rush hour! Rush hour! I know.
I know, that is so Unfair.
Th-that must have been Very frustrating.
Beth, I'm sorry.
Well, how was the rest of your day? Ah, the rest of my day sucked.
I'm sorry.
Why? You didn't make it suck.
No, I know that.
I-I'm just I was ju I-I probably shouldn't have brought it up.
I'm sorry.
For what? I-I have no idea.
I-I'm just tr You know, maybe I should get a drink.
Oh, yeah, I-I'll get the waitress here.
Miss? Miss? Hey, what, am I invisible here?! You know, I've been She seems to be a little busy right now.
Bread? No, thanks.
I just started this new low-carb diet.
Oh, tell me about it.
It's low-carb.
Well Then I probably shouldn't have Offered you the bread.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Don't worry about it.
John, what's wrong with you? You seem different tonight.
Yeah, you're damn right.
But better, though, huh? Actually, it's a little confusing.
I'm sorry? Well, you just don't seem like yourself.
I-I That's because on our first date, I came on a little strong, And right now I'm trying to be a little more, like, you know, Someone who you, as a woman, would want me to be.
Well, stop it.
Don't say "I'm sorry.
" okay.
Well, don't just agree with me.
I'm sorry.
What the hell is going on? When we first met in the bookstore, You were screaming at the cashier that the line Would move a lot faster If she'd just ring the books up Instead of reviewing every damn one.
I know, I shouldn't have said that.
I'm sorry.
Stop saying that! John, I liked you in the bookstore.
I liked you on our date.
You were strong.
You had opinions.
I said to myself, "finally, a man!" What's happened to you?! Well, if you liked me, Then why did you fake a headache and leave early? I didn't fake a headache, I had a headache.
Then what the hell are we doing here on a Wednesday? What are you talking about? Oh, please, everybody knows Wednesday's pity night! What? W-Wednesday's not pity night? It is now.
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, beth, no, wait.
Give me another chance here.
This is not me tonight.
I was acting on some extremely bad advice.
Look, I'm not caring, I'm not sensitive.
Come on, please, let me prove it to you.
Oh, please, john, don't beg.
I'm not beg So, can I get you folks some drinks here? Yeah, you can bring me the beer I ordered three years ago! I mean, what's your problem?! You take an order, write it down, you moron! There! See? That-that's who I am, right there.
Stop trying to impress me.
It's pathetic.
And do me a favor: Lose my number.
Oh, no.
Come on, wait.
You got to believe me.
Listen, I don't care about your day.
I don't care about your feelings.
You know what else? That dress makes your ass look huge! Leave the money on the counter.
( phone ringing ) Yeah? You're on the list.
Who was that? Mrs.
Drain clogged again? Yeah.
She told me to rot in hell.
God, I miss her.
Jake, uh Can I ask you something? Yeah.
You ever Miss it? You know, your job? W-why do you ask? Well, I-I don't know.
I just thought that if you did, I suppose there's nothing stopping us from Trading back? Yeah, there you go.
Uh, bob? Oh, right.
Sorry, sorry.
Morning, jake.
I'm taking a times and a snickers.
Leave the money on the counter.
Oh, yeah.
( chuckles ) Well, you did it again.
Hey, a lot of people ordered the roast beef And nothing happened to them.
What? Oh.
Well, never mind.
What were you talking about? Beth.
Yeah, she liked me.
She liked me the way I was.
The real me, not the me you created In this little lab of yours.
She liked you being, rude, insensitive and obnoxious? Yeah, not to mention uncaring, unfeeling and short-tempered! Are you trying to tell me You met the only other social mutant on the entire planet? Yeah.
What are the odds of that happening again? Becker, I was just trying to help.
I-I'm sorry.
Sorry? Yeah, take it from me, sorry doesn't cut it.
Well, what do you want me to do? I just want you to listen.
All right, I'm listening.
I hate you.
Now, you, when are you going to fix my damn stove? You're on the list.
Like there's a list.