Becker s04e14 Episode Script


1 Let me ask you a question! What number comes after eight?! I don't know.
Nine? Yeah, there you go.
See, you're already more qualified To design this station than the person who did it.
You know, if it were me, I'd put track nine right next to track eight Instead of around the corner from track 14 Like these idiots decided to do.
Yeah, there's been a lot Of construction.
There used to be a sign out there, I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah, whatever, there's always a reason, isn't there? Let me have, let me have three scotches there, will you? Hmm, I like that.
Saves me work later.
Where is everybody? It's valentine's day.
Look around.
Does this place say romance to you? Oh, boy.
So, what is your big holiday around here? Wednesday.
(chuckles) What you reading there, a book? It's the new john grisham.
I'd really like to finish it before the movie comes out.
Why don't you want to talk? You're a bartender, right? You've been seeing too many movies; The kindly bartender with the sympathetic ear.
It's just a cliché.
A rumor spread by alcoholics.
You know, I just thought that I'm going to fill you in on my plan, okay? I'm going to read my book for about another hour, Then I'm going to turn on the knicks game.
Now, if you're still here at that point And you want to say something to me about the game, like "nice shot," "bad call," feel free.
Unless you're not a knicks fan, In which case you can just shut up altogether, okay? We should be on the same page.
Which is where I've been since you came in.
I was supposed to watch that knicks game.
Oh, sweet death.
You know, if today had gone the way it was supposed to, I'd be on my way home right now to watch it, But oh, no, no, that'd be me doing something I wanted to.
You know, I mean, this morning, you know, I, I go to the same diner I always go to every day.
Reg, coffee, please.
Ah, john, hey, are we still on To watch the knicks game tonight? Absolutely.
I figure we'll order some pizza.
Oh, by the way, if anyone asks, It's your birthday.
We'll get it for half price that way.
What about valentine's day? All: What about it? Well, becker, I know you don't care Or have anyone who does care, But, jake, what about amanda? It's the first valentine's day since you've been married, Divorced, and back together again.
You know, they should make a card for that.
Jake: Amanda doesn't care About valentine's day.
That's one of the things we have in common: A shared hatred for all things fake and tacky.
Valentine's day is not tacky.
Aw, come on.
You hate valentine's day.
Not anymore.
Look, I got flowers.
Ah, Sorry, I just assumed that you'd sent those to yourself Like you did last year.
I never sent myself flowers.
Reg, come on, it's us.
Well, I didn't send these.
It's the first valentine's day That I have a date.
He's really handsome, his name is scott, And he has a job.
Well, it's a big deal to me.
What about you, bob, any big plans tonight? So far I got about 12 hooks in the water.
I like to cast a wide net and then see what I catch.
So you're trolling for dates? Actually, it's more like fishing with dynamite.
Toss a couple of sticks in the water, let it blow up, And then see what floats to the top.
Great story.
Thanks for sharing.
You know how long I had to sit there And talk about fishing? Yeah? 25 minutes.
I wanted to kill myself.
I know the feeling.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna get back to my book.
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
Boring story, anyway.
I'm only going to my ex-wife's wedding-- A woman who cheated on me every chance she got.
I don't even know why I divorced her.
I should have just murdered her and framed my lawyer Like the guy in the book you're reading.
Okay, this better be good.
So, why on earth would you want to go To your ex-wife's wedding? I didn't want to.
It was my nurse margaret.
Whenever she wants me to do something I don't want to do, She gives me this look.
What look? What? I was looking through your desk and I found this.
An invitation to your ex-wife's wedding.
Well, what the hell are you doing Going through my desk? It's the only way That I find out what's going on around here.
Oh Sandra lives in connecticut, Which means that you're going to have to leave early.
Margaret Which means that I am going To have to reschedule all the patients.
No, you don't.
Why don't you ever tell me anything? M-margaret The wedding is tonight.
It doesn't matter.
How are you going to pull this off? Easy.
I'm not going.
Oh, did you send in the rsvp card? Yes, I did send in the rsvp card.
Oh, okay, then, so she knows that you are not coming.
Uh, no, no, not exactly.
I sent the card in on a day when I thought I might have wanted to go.
Now I don't feel that way, so I'm not going.
Oh, you said you're going, so you have to go.
You are going.
End of story.
Wait a minute now, she works for you? Yeah.
Sounds more like you work for her.
Feels that way, too.
Still, she does have a point, though.
You sent in the card.
It's kind of rude not to show up.
Kind of rude of my ex-wife to cheat on me, Take half my money.
Hmm, I've been there.
Didn't mind the cheating so much, But the money really hurts, doesn't it? It's a pattern in my life-- Giving money to people who don't deserve it.
It's 10:30.
I'm going to lunch.
Whoa, whoa.
You just got here.
I know, but I have a date.
You also have a job.
I have an early lunch date, a late lunch date, One at dinner, and one around midnight.
Wow, linda, you really take valentine's day seriously.
Oh, it's valentine's day? Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
I need your help.
Now that someone is leaving early To go to his ex-wife's wedding, We've got a lot of work to do.
No, you don't.
There's no way in hell I'm going to that wedding, And that's final.
So, judging from your attire, You're either 50 years late for the prom Or you lost the battle.
I lose a lot of battles.
Too many women in my life.
You know, margaret's right.
You should have never sent that card in.
Now you have to go.
She already paid for your dinner.
Did you see my divorce settlement? I think I paid for my own dinner.
Hell, I think I paid for everyone's dinner.
Becker, would it help if you had a date? Because, you know, I'd do that for you.
You would? Absolutely If I didn't already have a date with scott.
Did I tell you I have a date with scott? Look at my flowers.
Look at my chocolates.
What the hell does that have to do with anything? Nothing.
I just want you to look.
Okay, yes, I sent her flowers, But I did not know she was your wife.
Geez, you follow a woman around the supermarket for half an hour, You think you know her.
(sighs) Well, so far that's three noes, Two "get losts," and one married guy Who suggests I go on a date with myself.
I'm paraphrasing.
Hey, jake, you ready for some basketball tonight? Well, it looks like I might not make it.
Turns out amanda isn't so indifferent To valentine's day after all.
What happened? I thought she didn't care.
So did I, but I got the impression That she changed her mind Somewhere between the words "heartless bastard" And "rot in hell.
" Well, amanda sounds really pissed.
Maybe you should bring her something.
A necklace maybe.
Sounds like she's already wearing something of his Around her neck.
What's that supposed to mean? Bob's just jealous that you have a woman To push you around and he doesn't.
You know what? That's it.
I'm going home, I'm telling amanda That she can't tell me what to do.
I don't care if it is valentine's day.
There you go.
Jake, that's a men's room.
Yeah, I know.
I need time to think of what I'm going to say.
So, becker, if none of my prospects pan out, Can I come over and watch the game with you? You know, bob, I don't care what you do.
Hey, that's the closet I've gotten to a yes all day.
It's a date.
Hey, beautiful.
Hey You.
Oh, chocolates.
Can I have one? Oh, no.
These are not to be eaten.
They are to be saved and treasured.
That way, for the rest of my life, I can remember what a great day today was.
That's exactly why I keep the hamster That jimmy fisher gave me in the fifth grade.
It's still alive? Yeah, he calls me every few months.
I can't get rid of him.
So, when are you leaving for the wedding? I'm not going.
But you have to.
Margaret said so.
Why is it so hard for everyone to understand I'm not going? I don't want to go.
I don't want to go to connecticut.
I don't want to see sandra.
I don't want to walk into a room full of people And have them talk about me all night.
Well, they'll talk about you more if you don't go.
There'll be hundreds of people.
They won't even notice.
Of course they will.
You know that table by the door with the place cards? Yours is going to be the only one that no one picked up.
Everyone's going to be looking at that lonely little card.
John becker, ex-husband.
Too afraid to show his face.
" I don't care.
Well, if you don't go, they're going to think You gained a hundred pounds.
I don't care.
Or they'll think you were arrested.
I don't care.
Or they'll think you turned out to be gay.
I don't care.
Or they'll think that you're still in love with her.
I don't care.
What'd you just say? They'll think that you're still in love with her.
Oh, all right, I'll go! So basically you're going to your ex-wife's wedding To prove that you're not still in love with her? Something like that.
I'd go to my ex's funeral, but only to make sure she was dead.
Hey, you want to make that 5:15, You'd better get out of here.
That's all right.
I'll catch the next one.
That way I'll miss the uncomfortable Milling around part before the wedding.
I hate that part.
It's the worst-- you got to talk to people And tell them how good they look, Which is hard 'cause they haven't served the drinks yet.
Yeah, they always wait to serve the liquor Till after the ceremony.
The church is the part you need to get loaded for.
I completely forgot about the ceremony.
Ugh, knowing sandra, she probably wrote her own vows.
There may not be enough alcohol in the world To get me through that.
But let's try, shall we? You're not going to believe margaret and linda.
I mean, they already got my train ticket.
They rented my tux.
Now they're out buying a gift.
Women-- they just hear the word "wedding" Becker, we all have to do things we don't want to do.
I know sandra's wedding is probably bringing up A lot of issues for you, so I just want you to know, If there's anything that you want to talk about Oh, my god, is that for me?! Look, becker, look what I got.
Could you sign here, please? Isn't it a wonderful day to be in love? I wouldn't know.
I've been divorced three times and I'm drowning in alimony.
That's why I had to take this crappy job.
So-- and they make me say this-- Have a "bear-y" special day.
Thank you.
You, too.
(groans) "can't wait for tonight.
" Isn't he so sweet? Scott's just the best.
"I wuv you"? Wait a minute.
What? The bear.
It says, "I wuv you.
" "I wuv you.
" I hate those stupid bears.
Yeah, what kind of guys send those things? "woosers.
" Well, that's the type that reggie attracts.
Yeah? She's pretty, got a good head on her shoulders, But when it comes to men, she's a mess.
Scott, scott, scott.
You were doing so well.
Why did you have to throw it all away On an "I wuv you" bear? He doesn't even know what wuv is.
So you're dumping the guy? I have to.
This isn't just a bear, this is a plush omen of doom.
The kind of guy who sends this Is the kind of guy who cries after sex, Who leaves a poem on your pillow, Who, every time you're at a movie And a baby comes onscreen, squeezes your hand.
Why do I always attract guys like that? Well, maybe it's the ads you're answering.
I don't answer ads.
Reg, come on, it's us.
Hey, guys.
Hey, jake.
Oh, good, you're here.
Listen, things with me and amanda are cool.
I laid down the law, I told her She has to accept that I have friends And that I'm going to do what I'm going to do, valentine's day or not.
Actually, I kind of got suckered into going To this wedding, jake, so I can't Oh, thank god, all right, I'd better get home Before she trashes the place.
That jake guy sounds totally whipped.
Yeah, he's got to learn how to stand up for himself.
I mean, she treats him like a little boy.
Hold still! You got shmutz on your cheek.
Margaret, come on, leave me alone, will you? Don't forget your gift.
What did I get her? Just what she always wanted: A gravy boat.
That's the worst gift I've ever heard.
It was the cheapest thing on the registry.
Oh, then, good job.
Okay, all right, let's, let's get a look at you.
John, brown shoes? It's bad enough wearing rented pants; I'll be damned if I'll stick my foot In some other man's shoe.
That's why I don't bowl.
You don't bowl because Those little girls made fun of you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You were bowling, and little girls made fun of you? First of all, bowling's stupid.
Second of all, when I was leaning over To release the ball, I heard my pants rip, so I stood up quickly And got a little dizzy.
Long story short, I ended up sitting On some little girl's birthday cake.
Were the candles lit? That's why I said, "long story short.
" Look at you.
Who'd have thought You'd clean up so well? Linda: Yeah, it's true what they say.
A tuxedo can make anyone look good.
And I'm very proud of you for going.
I know it's not an easy thing for you to do.
Oh, thank you, linda.
Hurry up, john.
You're going to miss your train.
Do I really have to go? Yes.
Because if you don't, people will think that I still love her.
Told you, margaret.
Well, that was a very interesting story.
Yeah, I'm not finished.
I know, but the game's on.
Well, I can take a hint.
Not really.
I get it, I get it.
You're sick of me.
Who wouldn't be? I just wasted an hour of your time feeling sorry for myself.
If you're going to make that wedding, you'd better get going.
I'm in no rush.
Just watch your game.
Pretend I'm not here.
Tried that.
You're not going, are you? I Maybe that linda was right.
Maybe you are still in love with your ex-wife.
No, no, I'm not.
Then what is it? I don't want to walk into a room full of people All staring at me, thinking the same thing: That she's moved on and I haven't.
And I know that's what they're thinking 'cause that's what I'm thinking.
I'm still alone and sandra's getting married.
Sounds to me like you're married.
What? (muting tv) Okay, we're in a commercial.
Let's start with the girl in the diner.
Reggie? Right, reggie.
Look, it's easy to find someone who will listen to you, But she seems to actually care about you.
That's hard to find, trust me.
Then there's that jake guy You were supposed to watch the game with.
Sounds like a pretty good friend.
Could be your best friend.
And what about linda? At the office she drives you crazy, But obviously admires the hell out of you.
And that nurse Margaret.
Right, margaret.
She's really tough on you, But I think she's looking out for you.
Now, you put all those people together, You got yourself a great wife.
You know, I never thought of it that way.
In fact, I think You're more married to your wife than I am to mine.
Yeah, except for the sex.
Like I said You know something, you may be right.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, you'd really better get going.
Your train leaves in ten minutes.
Really? Okay, 20.
I just really want to watch the game.
Where have you been? What are you doing here? The game started an hour ago.
We were supposed to watch it together.
So? So you didn't even call.
Are you out of your mind? I was really looking forward to this evening and you ruined it.
I made sandwiches.
Really? What kind? Turkey, roast beef, and salami.
I didn't know what you wanted.
I'm sorry, I-I-I forgot we had plans.
Yeah, why do I even bother? Would it help if I gave you a gift? I don't know.
A gravy boat.
Doesn't make it all right, but it's a start.
Happy valentine's day.
Happy valentine's day to you, too, bob.
Here, I fixed you a plate.
(cheering and applause over television) And I suppose if you wanted me to know Why you're wearing a tuxedo, You would've told me.
I was supposed to go to a I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, fine.
We'll talk about it later.
Let's just forget about all of this And finish watching the game.
Get your feet off the table.