Becker s04e21 Episode Script

Parannoyed

1 Okay, reg, here's what I need you to do.
I need you to help me separate these tax receipts Into two piles: Business and personal.
Okay.
Here's one-- $79, victoria's secret.
Was that a gift Or a little something for yourself? Actually, it was a gift, but, uh, I was trying to get a little something for myself.
Yeah, I bought it for nikki.
Man, she used to do this thing, right Yeah, yeah, relive it on your own time.
So what do I put it under? Put it under things he doesn't want his girlfriend to see.
You know, nikki and I were together Way before I met amanda.
But why don't I hold onto it just to be safe? Hi.
I, uh, was wondering if you could help me.
Oh, please be talking to me.
I'll just have a coffee, please.
And, oh, would you have ten dollars in quarters? Coffee and change.
Yeah, I'm sitting on a gold mine.
Here you go.
Is that for the meter? No, pay phone.
I just moved to the city And my phone's not turned on.
Then your phone must be gay.
Yeah, you want me to introduce you? Never mind him, he's Well, we're not sure what he is, but he's harmless.
Thanks.
Well, better start job hunting.
Do you mind if I hang out here for a day or two? Sure, that's fine.
Wait, you can find a job in a day? Doesn't usually take me that long, But I like to take time, consider my options.
Oh, I'd kill to have options.
So I'll be in the phone booth if you need me.
Oh, and that's an expression, not an invitation.
Wow.
Notice how she singled me out, huh? Bob, if you ever get your head started, Do me a favor and drive it out of here.
So last night I go down to the laundry room To get my clothes out of the dryer And I find them dumped on top of the machine, soaking wet.
Maybe it was a mistake.
No, no, no, no, this was a premeditated act of revenge By one of the morons in my building.
Oh, no, you're fighting with your neighbors again? Why don't you just try talking to them? I did, but every time I tell them to shut the hell up, They yell right back, and that's just rude.
So this time I put a note in the lobby.
Yeah, then they put up a petition To have you kicked out of the building.
Or was it the neighborhood? I don't know, I really didn't read it, I just signed it.
Yeah, three times.
Whoever messed with my clothes Has no idea who they're screwing with.
Becker, it's just laundry.
No, it's not.
Laundry is just one battleground in the war Between the forces of good and evil.
You know, if we're going to live together, We need to have rules, and not just in the building But in the neighborhood, you know, in the city, In the country, and yes, you know, in the world.
(others hum "america") I'm not just fighting this fight for myself.
You know, I'm fighting it for-- to protect our very way of life.
When the stakes are that high, They have no idea how petty I can be.
Oh, shut up, will you? Listen to this, margaret.
I'm on my way back From giving mr.
Hoffman his insulin shots And I stop by my apartment.
My mailbox has been broken into.
All my mail has been stolen.
I mean, first my laundry and now this.
Somebody is definitely out to get me.
But I think I know who it is.
Please, don't keep me in suspense.
It's that bald bastard grenquist Who lives next door to me.
I mean, laundry's one thing, But th-this is tampering with the mail.
That's a crime against the government.
Fine, I'll call the feds.
Meanwhile, mrs.
Rowland is in one With back pain.
Linda is in there, taking her history again Because "somehow" she managed to lose mrs.
Rowland's file.
I wouldn't be too hard on margaret For losing your file.
In fact, She's so embarrassed, I wouldn't even mention it.
So let's see, name, address Okay, age? I'm 44.
No way.
You look amazing.
I'm putting 37.
I really have no problem with my age.
In fact, I have a daughter who just started college At syracuse.
Grade-a party school.
That's what I'm afraid of.
I mean, the stories you hear: Sex, drugs, drinking.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, yeah, I know.
I hope she can resist the pressures.
She's really very shy and inexperienced.
She's still a virgin.
No way.
You got a picture of her? Sure, I do.
Sorry, but this kid's no virgin.
You don't even know her.
It's just a guess based on her hairstyle, Her clothes, the guy she's with, And the bong she's holding.
She told me about that.
It was for a science project.
And you believed her.
That's so sweet.
Sorry to keep you waiting, mrs.
Rowland.
Science project-- no way.
Thirty-seven? No way.
Okay, here's one for a hotel In atlantic city for $275.
Hmm, rebecca.
She's a nurse.
For that kind of money, I hope she made you feel better.
Actually, she didn't.
We got into a fight, and she went home.
Too bad I can't write that off.
She's a nurse who didn't sleep with you? Put it under "unreimbursed medical expenses.
" I could do that? Oh, sure, you'd be surprised What you can blow past those idiots at the irs.
How do you know? I used to be one.
Y-you really worked for the irs? We all work for the irs.
True, true, but I really did.
I was secretary to an auditor.
It was right before I went into the army.
The army? You ever kill a guy? Once.
For sitting too close.
How did you end up in the army? Oh, god, let's see, uh Dropped out of college, irs, Then I decided I wanted to see the world.
Recruiter said I could get stationed in europe.
Closest I got to europe was My c.
O.
Trying to french-kiss me.
Woman wouldn't take no for an answer.
Then did you move here? Oh, no, no.
After I got out, I just started traveling around.
Was a barmaid in london, Tour guide in rome, Taught english in japan, Uh, even did six months on the alaskan pipeline.
Oh, that's like all guys, right? Yeah, but every guy you never wanted to date All in one place.
So you've been around the world And had all those jobs.
Bob's a super who's hardly been off the block.
Imagine what our kids would be like.
Yeah, they could unstuff a toilet in five languages.
Yeah, you're really sweet, But I just got into town.
I'm really not ready to start dating, So maybe some other time.
(phone ringing) oh, excuse me.
It could be about a job.
Wow, she's so nice.
Bob, she blew you off.
Yeah, she was just letting you down easy.
That's what I mean.
Usually I just get a kick in the groin And a face full of pepper spray.
Not that I'm complaining, But you've been blissfully quiet today.
(grunts) Is the war over with your neighbors? Oh, yeah, I took care of that.
Yeah, you would have been proud of me, too.
I handled it peacefully and without incident.
Becker, you left your knife in my door.
"without incident"? I left him a note; I was out of tape.
Hey, what are, what are you doing here, grenquist? I want all this to stop.
I did not touch your clothes Or steal your mail.
In fact, the night your laundry was "violated with extreme prejudice," I was not even home.
I was in brooklyn spending the night at my mother's.
Ooh, there's a shocker.
Trust me, when I get you back, I'll be a lot more clever.
Says you.
Then again, I might not have to be that clever.
Obviously mr.
Grenquist didn't do it.
So what do you have to say for yourself now? One down, 23 to go.
Someone is out to get me, margaret.
Somewhere in that building There's a complete nut or lunatic.
John, you forgot your knife.
Huh? Oh.
Hi, margaret.
Is linda working today? I never know quite how to answer that.
Hi, mrs.
Rowland.
Oh, linda.
I found my daughter's diary Under a floorboard in her closet.
Ooh, good spot.
You were right about everything.
Come on back, we'll talk.
Rachel smokes and drinks.
She's been having sex since she was 16.
I can't believe she's been lying to me All this time.
Now, now, let's explore this.
How did it make you feel? I don't know, betrayed.
I've lived my whole life for rachel.
I've been there for her at every turn.
Maybe you were there too much.
I'm sorry? Oh, uh, nothing.
Forget it.
Go ahead.
I didn't want her to make the same mistakes that I made.
Maybe she needed to make her own mistakes.
Excuse me? Nothing.
All I know is, I did everything I could to protect her.
Maybe she didn't want to be protected.
Maybe she wanted to be her own person.
Maybe, just once, she wanted to go to the school dance Without you following behind her in the car Because you didn't trust her.
Margaret? Would you like to talk about that? Yes.
Wow, bob, you're actually working, huh? Huh? Oh, you mean the plunger? No, no, I just carry it around.
That way when people ask me to do something, I just tell them I'm in the middle of something else.
Yeah, well, come on in here, I want to talk to you.
Look, becker, I'm in the middle of something.
Hey, shut up.
Look What? Turns out, grenquist might not be the one Who's behind all this.
I need your help to help me find out who it is.
Are you still on this? God, you're so paranoid.
Who said that about me, who? No, tell me.
Would you relax? Stop it, will you, please? Have a beer.
And I'll have one, too.
Oh, you will, will you? Well, you know, As long as you're offering.
Oh, god, aah! What? Roaches, hundreds of them.
So what's the big deal? The big deal is I hate roaches.
Really, what is it-- the legs, the eyes, The sound they make when they crunch under your feet? Will you stop it? I'm not kidding you.
I hate roaches.
Hey, w-wait a second.
Those weren't in there When I left this morning.
That means somebody put them there.
Yeah, god put 'em there.
It's new york; he put them everywhere.
All right, relax, calm down.
You got any bug spray? Yeah, under the sink.
Whoa! You thought you had a lot in your refrigerator.
Th-th-there are more in there? Easy, mary.
You got a vacuum? Yes, in the bedroom.
Fine, I'm gonna go get it, I'll suck them up.
You know, you're unbelievable, you're such a nut.
A few bugs show up And suddenly everyone's out to get you.
I don't know what you did or who you did it to, But they're really pissed.
W-w-where you go? Don't, don't go, don't Got an interview with that clothing store.
I thought they said you didn't have enough experience.
I convinced 'em they were wrong.
You're amazing.
How do you have so much confidence? Ah, you just got to believe in yourself.
Yeah, there's always a catch.
Listen to this.
Last night someone dumped an army of roaches In my apartment, so I retaliated.
This morning I stole their newspapers.
Yeah, now who's crazy, huh? You? How did you know whose paper to take? I didn't, so I took them all.
See, that's the genius part, you know.
Sooner or later, they're going to turn on each other And rat out the guilty party.
Divide and conquer.
Goes all the way back to machiavelli.
Actually, it wasn't machiavelli.
It's a quote attributed to julius caesar In reference to the gallic wars.
Did someone just turn on the history channel? John, this is chris.
She just moved to the city.
Sorry to butt in.
It was none of my business.
You're right.
Another possibility here.
It might not be just one person in the building.
It might be all of them.
You know, like in that raymond chandler novel Where they all stabbed that guy on the train.
Once again, uh, none of my business, But, uh, it wasn't raymond chandler.
It was agatha christie.
Murder on the orient express.
You know what I'm missing here? The part where anyone asked your opinion.
Sorry, sorry, I do that all the time.
But just to be clear, It wasn't an opinion, it was a fact.
Uh, chris, you might not want to Yeah, but he was wrong.
He doesn't care if he's wrong.
I am not wrong.
People in my building are out to get me.
Look, I know it's none of my business You know, I'm beginning to think you don't know that.
All I'm saying is, maybe you should try another approach.
For instance, I once lived in a building Where I had horrible neighbors.
I mean, they were really awful.
You know what I did? Baked some cookies, went door to door handing them out, And by the end of the day-- building full of friends.
I think I'm gonna puke.
Look, sunshine, before you start spouting homilies About, you know, how you should turn the other cheek, Let me explain something.
Around here, you turn the other cheek, You get hit in the other cheek.
I'm guessing he's been hit a lot.
Not as often as you'd think.
Though he was shot once.
All I meant was, there's enough conflict in the world.
Why make more? Yeah, I don't make conflict.
Yet you're always around when it happens.
Sorry, I-I just try to see the good in people.
Doesn't always work.
Hey, you know, just 'cause You're having a good day Doesn't mean you can take it out on me.
I don't feel comfortable with this.
It's just a little role-playing.
Try it.
Oh, all right.
Mom Why did you have to be so hard on me? (mouthing) Because You Remind me so much of myself when I was young.
It's okay, margaret.
Just go with it.
Okay, okay.
I just wanted to make you happy.
I just want what's best for you.
I love you.
I love you, too, mom.
(margaret sobbing) I don't know what the hell I'm doing, But I think we just had a breakthrough.
Oh, geez.
This is worse than the roaches.
Okay, becker, I bug-bombed your place, But you're not going to want to go in there for a while.
Oh, roaches.
Ah, what's the big deal? What, you don't have roaches in here, do you? (stamps foot) No, of course not.
Look, I checked out everybody in the building, And it seems there are a few more suspects.
Oh, good, who? Well, you got mr.
Franklin, who you reamed out For putting his garbage by the incinerator.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, mr.
Colouris, Who you bitched out for playing his music too loud.
Oh, that's not music.
That's a goat sexually molesting some kind of banjo.
Yeah.
Then there's old mrs.
Battaglia.
Now, I don't know what you did to her, But she's a got a room with a pentagram, A bunch of candles, and a ken doll In a crappy raincoat.
She's got one of those, too? Mm-hmm.
All right, look, I'll see what else I can find out At the tenants' meeting tonight.
First Monday of every month, they get together To bitch about things in the building.
You never told me about that.
That's 'cause they mostly bitch about you.
Oh, and look, You left your watch in my bathroom.
And, look, I'm thinking about making a lasagna tonight.
I hope that'll be okay.
Oh, yeah, that'd be very nice.
Great.
You're staying with bob? Is there anything you want to talk to me about? I told you, my apartment is filled with roaches.
Oh, roaches.
Oh, bob.
All right, all right.
All right, let's do this.
Let's do this.
Okay, who's got old business? Okay, who's got new business? Every time a toilet flushes, The water turns off in my shower.
Yeah, you said that At the last meeting, which makes it old business, And we're way past that now.
(grumbling) All right, all right.
I'll look into it.
Next.
(grumbling) Next.
There's pigeon poop all over the fire escapes.
I have no jurisdiction over the pigeons.
Well, then, take down the fire escapes So they'll go somewhere else.
Yeah, yeah, can I pick who doesn't get a fire escape? Oh, real nice.
Hey, which one of you cretins screwed with my laundry, Stole my mail, and then Filled my apartment with roaches? (laughter) yeah, you go ahead and laugh, But I know it's one of you people behind all this.
What is your problem, becker? I'm not the problem, it's you people.
Grenquist: Oh, is that why you took my paper this morning? I did not! Liar! I saw you! Yeah, just for that, You're not getting your paper back.
Bob: All right, hold on, hold on.
Chris: Pardon me, excuse me.
Excuse me, excuse me.
A note to have you removed That's not necessary.
Hey, you, excuse me.
What are you doing here? I live here.
What are you doing here? I live in 3-b.
I live in 4-b.
4-b? What happened to wrinkles and the hump? You mean my grandparents? Sorry, I'm not good with names.
They moved to florida, I'm using their apartment.
Are you the super of this building? Yeah.
Well, I've been trying to reach you.
My shower's broken.
Hey, I'll get right on it.
Great, thank you.
My shower is broken.
Sorry, ladies first.
Anything else, becker? We'd like to end this.
Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I Becker? That's your name? John becker? Yes, why? Oh, I have your mail here And I have more of it upstairs.
You? You stole my mail? I didn't steal your mail.
Your mailbox was broken.
I took the mail so it wouldn't get stolen.
How about that? A rational explanation.
Yeah, all right, yeah, all right.
Maybe for that, but that doesn't explain How the roaches got in my apartment.
Roaches? Um, actually, that might have been my fault.
What? I bought this Ultrasonic thing that drives roaches away And I-I guess they went down to your apartment.
Yeah, good guess.
Grenquist: So, becker Any chance you feel as stupid as you look? Look, this doesn't change the fact That last Monday night Someone dumped my wet laundry on top of the dryer.
Did you say Monday? For god's sake, what? Smoke was coming out of the dryer.
I took the clothes out so they wouldn't get burned.
Oh.
This must be a very humiliating moment for you.
(laughter) (knocking) Oh.
Hi.
I brought you the rest of your mail And I baked you some cookies.
It's just my way of saying I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to embarrass you down there.
What kind are they? Oatmeal.
Raisins? Oh, of course.
Figures.
You know, it must be hard to live like you do.
Always think everybody's out to get you.
Yeah, I know it's none of my business, But I just wanted to say Good night.