Better Things (2016) s03e03 Episode Script


1 I think you're dancing Just a little too close - With my man - (groaning) With my man I can see you holding him Just as tight as you can Tight as you can I wasn't born yesterday And it's easy to see - You're making a play - (groans) So if you think of stirring up - I'm gonna start a war - Start a war Yeah, I see You coming on IRWIN: Are-are you ready for your for your film? SAM: Wait.
And go.
- He's got the clap.
- SAM: (gasps) What? You schmuck! You're ruining my story.
- (groans) - (stifled laughter) Should've wore a jimmy hat.
Oh, I don't wear jimmy hats.
I never have.
- Mm-hmm.
- They impede sensation.
And by the way Who-who get who gets the clap anymore, hmm? Guys who don't wear jimmy hats.
- Oh, sheesh.
- (laughing) The women my age stopped getting their periods 70 years ago.
My parts are grinding to a halt, except for my follicle production.
(laughs) Oh, my God.
Me, too, Rosie.
Me, too! (both laughing) - But you look so beautiful.
- Oh, I look how I look.
Ah, you know what? You'll never believe what I just found.
I was looking through my projects folder, and I found a script written by me and Tamara Gonsales.
Yeah! (laughs) Tamara Gonsales? You and I.
We wrote a script together.
Remember? SAM: Oh Alan, I think you're confusing me.
You know I'm Sam, right? I'm Phil and Murray's daughter.
Oh Oh, shit.
(chuckles) This is embarrassing.
- SAM: Oh.
You okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
God rest his soul.
- What a pain in the ass.
- (laughter) - Your father was a funny man.
- Yeah.
- Oh, and dirty.
- IRWIN: Now, wait a minute.
I was the funniest.
Your father was the second funniest.
Ask your mother, she'll tell you.
Loved your mother.
She-she was scary but classy.
She was so mean.
- Mean as a snake.
- Hmm.
She's with a shvartze now.
I heard about it.
Rocket, you can't say that word.
- I can.
You can't.
- (laughter) It was delicious, her-her rudeness.
But even wh even when she was really, really, awfully mean, she still had this little twinkle in her eye.
Always made me feel like, "I got a shot.
" (laughter) - Her accent is what got me.
- Her tits are what got me.
- Irwin! - She was gorgeous.
- She still is.
- I like that.
A daughter who appreciates her parents.
Not like my motherless, deadbeat, drug-addicted son.
- Easy, yeah? - How about this? (speaking Yiddish) He's a piece of meat with two eyes.
ROSIE: Oh At least his mother is dead.
She didn't have to live to see this.
This guy and his silver linings.
(laughing) ROCKET: Rosie.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got one for you.
I got one.
I got-I got one.
I got one for you.
Okay? Um, a Murray Fox proverb.
- (Rosie chuckling) - IRWIN: Oh.
You get stuck in writing - IRWIN: Huh.
- in marriage, in life, you get stuck "Shake the Cocktail.
" - Oh, yeah! - All right, shake the cocktail.
ALL: Shake the cocktail! (overlapping chatter) - I love it.
Thank you, Rocket.
- You schtuck.
Schtuck? He can't say schtum, but he says schtuck! (laughter) You know your sister is in a summer blockbuster.
TRESSA: Uh-huh.
She's gonna be the next Lara Croft: Middle-aged Tomb Raider.
Is that the monster one? A mother.
I'm playing a mother.
Everyone's miserable.
I was gonna complain about the AC in my trailer.
Well, at least the money's good.
(chuckles) Otherwise, I'd have peaced day one.
No, it's not.
They're paying us barely scale on this.
Not me, baby.
- Oh, damn.
- SAM: I'm making a fraction of what the actor who's playing my husband is making, and nobody knows who the hell he is.
They're cheating on turnaround.
No one's ever heard of union rules.
It's a shitshow, and it's gonna make a fortune.
TRESSA: It's a nice paycheck.
A nice paycheck you were asking for, that's what you wanted.
There was a manager on set yesterday, said we should consider filing a grievance for, like, a stunt adjustment, or some shit like that.
MER: I'm sure your manager's all over this, but I'm getting Donte a stunt adjustment, and I'm filing a grievance on his behalf and Princess' behalf.
- You want in? - Ooh.
How much are they getting? - 200 bucks.
- Mm.
So you should talk to your manager, Tressa.
I mean, you're Sam Fox, number two on the call sheet.
Come on.
- Number three.
- My client's ten.
And that makes sense, as I tend to gravitate toward men of lower status in life and on the set.
(laughs) You're so funny! TRESSA: Who's this manager? I don't know.
Some cool lady with a face.
What cool lady with a face? You talking about Boatie Trell? No, not a Boatie.
- Mer Kodis? - That one.
- Are these names? Really? - Mm-hmm.
(laughs) She make a pass at you? What? No.
Calm down.
(both laughing) I want to be happy, I want to be true I'm straight.
I'm a straight girl.
- I won't tell.
- TRESSA: She's a flipper, Sam.
Woo, boy, you are right up her alley.
That's her thing, she likes to flip straight girls.
She's a flipper.
- Stop saying flipper.
- Is she cute? I dated a lesbian once.
Business school.
She's got to be cute if she's a successful serial flipper.
I don't know.
For the record, I don't hate where this is going.
I always wanted you to have a girl phase.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
- I didn't.
- Mm-hmm? I mean, I don't think it's in me.
I mean, I like it in me.
- Mom, gross.
- (laughs) You guys are so binary.
I'm not sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure I'm all about that "D.
" Yeah, I can't hear any more of this.
La, la, la (laughs) I'm with Frankie I don't see sexual preference.
That is such bullshit.
Mer Kodis is danger, okay? Listen to me.
Yup, very, so straight.
Is that something people are still doing? Yup.
Still doing straight.
I do straight with straight men people.
(both chuckling) (clears throat) SAM: I've said nothing.
She was on set, giving her client advice.
I saw her for, like, ten seconds, and now all of a sudden you're acting like we're running away together.
You're so sensitive and jealous.
I am not jealous.
Can we not have a feelings talk? I'm not having a feelings talk, I'm just giving you some tips.
I'm good.
I'm all good.
I feel like you just had a feelings talk.
- Hello! Darling - Hi.
- look what I brought you.
- Oh, Phil.
I don't.
- Hi, Walter.
- Hello, Sam.
Don't bring that into the house.
I have five of those already.
Yes, but it's a manual can opener.
- I told you I don't want you to bring - If you mean to - any more stuff to my house.
- Well, I want you to have it and I'm going to leave it, anyway.
For the lady.
We have to think about the scenarios of disaster very carefully.
- Mm.
- I'm the president of the emergency preparedness committee.
Voted unanimously into office.
Well, I've seen my share of disasters.
(both chuckle) Are we staying for dinner, Phil? Dinner.
I hadn't thought No, no, no, now, we don't want to intrude.
What's this? Risotto? - Mm.
- Oh, Walter, we must.
(grunts) WALTER: Then we must.
It's interesting how plain it tastes.
- (stifled laugh) - (doorbell rings) Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I know who you are.
- Hi.
- Sam.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to finally meet you.
What's up? Sorrow, your dad's here.
They've been giving each other tattoos.
She's on the toilet.
Whoa, is that Sharpie? Are you crazy? It's eyeliner.
- Of course.
- Can Sorrow and Pepper sleep over tonight? - I don't know, it's a - Please? - We're talking about a school night.
- Please, please.
How do we feel about that? - I'm good.
- I'm good.
Yes! - So, come on in.
- Great.
Did you guys eat? - No.
- Stay.
It smells delicious.
- It is delicious.
Come on.
- Okay.
- Don't you want to check the car? - (making monkey sounds) Oh, God, yes, yes.
- What - Great.
- What are you checking? - Just simmer down.
Oh, your art is so beautiful.
I love it.
Yeah, I love it, too.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Let me wine you and dine you.
Thank you.
- Reiki, this is my mom, Phil.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- And her special friend Walter.
- Walter, hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- That's my bro Marion.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
- And the rest.
- Hey.
- I'm Rich, hi.
I'm the rest.
- Hi, Rich.
- Red or white? - Anything nonalcoholic.
- All right, I got you.
- So, you're the decorator.
I am.
You're with Sunny's bum of a husband? You should meet my mother.
(Marion and Sam chuckle) (laughs) He's her ex-husband.
And I find him charming in every way.
- Every way? - Mm-hmm.
All the ways.
Well, there's a lid for every pot.
Yeah, well, his lid certainly fits my pot.
- (laughter) - Cheers.
Everyone this is Dexter.
- The fuck? - And his handler Linda, - as required by state law.
- Hi.
Yeah, check this out.
He jumps.
Watch this.
LINDA: Come on.
- (exclaims) - JEFF: Look at that.
- Yeah.
- Get it off me.
Get it off me.
Get it off.
SAM: My God.
Frankie! Jason! Girls, get down here right now! - Are you okay, Mom? It's okay.
- Stay.
I love monkeys.
She does.
She loves 'em, yeah.
Her birthday's next week, so I found her one.
We've been hanging out all day.
- (all gasp) - (Rich chuckles) Oh.
Mom, Mom, can we keep it? Well, I mean, it's just a rental, so FRANKIE: Can we rent it? Mom, can we rent it? Mom? - Bro! - Mom, please.
He's here now.
Play with him now.
(Sam laughing) That's it? He catches a grape? That's, uh, a little underwhelming.
A grape out of your ear, maybe.
You should get him some cymbals or something.
Honey, you want to throw a grape to the monkey? It feels very intense to have a primate in the house.
She's not into it.
- You see his shorts? - Yeah, I did.
- Is that what those are? - Yeah, those are shorts.
Mm What about Jeff's new lady? I mean holy crap, right? I know.
(inhales) - That face.
- Yeah, you think it's real, - or work done? - I don't know.
But good for him.
How old do you think she is? Who cares? She's fantastic.
So sexy.
(coughs, snorts) It's still half plus seven, right? (coughs) I mean, that's the rule.
Half (coughs) Half your age, plus seven.
Wow, that's strong.
Well, I'm breaking that rule.
My new boyfriend's 25.
Get out of here.
(Marion coughs) I wonder if his friends whisper about me like this.
Whether or not you've had injections in your lips, you mean? How dare you.
Of course I have.
(garage door opening) (Rich laughs) (coughs) Oh, Jesus, you guys hotboxed the garage.
- Dinner's ready.
- You want? You want? Yerp.
(coughing) Does she know that I'm out here? RICH: Careful, it's really strong.
Uh, yeah.
- Is this your boyfriend's? - What? Yeah.
That's not old people weed.
This'll kill you.
I can't have any more.
- I can.
- I used to have to smoke nine joints.
Now it's one hit and - Oh, yeah.
- I'm a dolphin.
- RICH: Oh oh, wow.
- MARION: Yeah.
- RICH: How long were we there? - (Tressa whoops) - RICH: Hours, days - TRESSA: No.
30 minutes.
- RICH: Is that it? - TRESSA: Yeah.
- I came looking for you - Oh, that's good.
after 20 minutes.
MARION: Is it weird that I can't feel my hair? - RICH: No, that's not so - MARION: I have so little left.
TRESSA: Can you usually feel your hair? - SAM: You know, and then you get - (phone ringing) the onions and the shallots.
- RICH: Mm-hmm.
- SAM: And, um, you can either use, if you don't have any tomatoes - Oh.
- What?! My baby.
Oh, oh, hi, baby! Hi, Mom.
Hi from college.
We're making dinner.
- Risotto.
Say hi to everybody.
- Ooh.
- Hi, darling Max.
- Hey, Max.
Oh, hi, Gram.
Hi, Walter.
Is it cold in the tundra? I haven't seen my legs in, like, three weeks.
(laughter) You're wearing a tank top.
Oh, I know, we, like, crank up the heat.
- MAX: Mom, I need to tell you - We got a monkey.
- Hmm? - Oh, my God! (laughing) You wait until I leave to get a monkey? - I don't know.
Not ours.
- Oh.
Did you order those Korean face masks? Yes, I did.
(Sam, Max laugh) Honey, so how are you? Are you making friends? Yeah, it's, uh, it's great.
Everyone's really chill, you know.
I mean, it's different.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's good.
I'm so proud of you.
So, Mom, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna finish the semester.
- But - Oh, I got to serve the plates now.
I got to serve the the Finish finish the semester? - She may.
Pretty sure.
- She may finish the semester.
(laughing) We're doing a pop-up restaurant in Echo Park.
- Oh, really? - What? - Yeah.
- That's right.
Limited menu, mostly barbecue.
Small bites.
Gauge investor interest.
- Hmm.
- Aw, they're gonna love it.
Yeah, he's a natural.
I do a few things well.
- Not like Sam.
- Aw.
I didn't know you cooked.
Well, you know, Sunny hates eating.
PHYLLIS: I don't like men in the kitchen.
It seems undignified.
Do you know, my father severed the top of his thumb off, and I didn't notice, but it had gone right into the pastry, and I rolled it up.
I think I ate a bit of it, or just the nail.
(laughing) MARION: What is - happening? - But I've never told it.
Did you ever hear this story? - Hello, hello, hello.
- Just the nail? - MARK: Oh.
- SUNNY: Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Uh, am I interrupting? I just, um Sorrow! (clears throat) Uh she's staying.
Yeah, they're doing, like, a sleepover thing.
I thought I was I mean, I'm staying at the house tonight, so Hi, Mark.
(laughs) Hi.
SAM: You guys, come in.
Join us, come on.
I made lemon risotto.
It's got, like, a million trillion calories.
So good.
Oh, it's so good.
- Hi, hi, hi.
- Hi, I'm Mark.
- Mwah.
Hi, hi.
- Hi.
I didn't know you were in town.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- MARK: Mark.
Hi, there.
- Right this way, table waiting.
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
SAM: Oh, good.
You guys sit together.
You can talk about money and Republican-y stuff, - and I'll get you guys some bowls.
- MARION: Ha, ha.
I'll be right back.
- So you're a Republican? - Yes.
Yes I am.
- Still? - Mm - But he loves the gays.
- True.
Can't get enough.
- (soft laughter) - SUNNY: Oh, um, Mark and I drank one of your bottles of kombucha.
- I'll replace it, I - No, it's no big deal.
PHYLLIS: I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Do you all live together, like in a commune? - (soft laughter) - (chuckles): Oh.
I can't even share a bathroom.
SUNNY: We share the house.
The the kids stay put.
We, um, - alternate days.
- You what? Sounds dreadful.
It's called nesting, dear.
I can hear you.
You don't have to shout.
- It's working well.
- MARION: Yeah, the kids don't have to move around, I get it.
RICH: I thought the whole point of getting divorced was that you don't have to get annoyed at the empty pickle jar in the fridge anymore, with the single pickle floating around like a turd.
I've always felt that about a single pickle in a jar.
- Looks like a turd? - Yeah.
Or that's the whole reason for divorce? - (chuckles) - SUNNY: Jeff loves to leave his laundry in the hamper, like there's some magic laundry fairy that's just gonna go, you know, like, "Poof.
" (chuckles) Hmm.
(sighs) That's that's hilarious.
That happened once in six months.
So Sounds awfully complicated.
In our day, we just stayed married and had affairs.
(grunts) - MARK: Mm.
- PHYLLIS: Oh, come on, darling.
Eat up.
(chuckles) That's really good.
- You made this? - SAM: Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
- MARK: Lovely, really good.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, it's the framboise.
- Oh, is that what gives it that - little bit of brown there? - Mm-hmm.
It smells so good.
Bro, smell.
Dessert's for children and people don't care what they look like.
We need to talk.
That's my brother's serious voice.
I want to talk to you about Phil's mental state.
Well, I don't.
For example, she shouldn't be driving a car.
Oh, Jesus.
Can you just please give this to Duke? (groans) (groans) (groans) (insects trilling) (sighs) You've been saying this for ten years now.
Every time you see her, you want to sell the house, take away her car and put her in a home.
She lost her American Express card four times this summer.
Yes, four.
She lost her phone twice.
And when she does her answer her phone, she does it in an accent.
- Not English.
- Yeah.
That's because she gets so many telemarketers.
She doesn't want them to know it's her.
(accent): Hello? (chuckles) (regular voice): That's just smart.
You won't think it's funny when she really hurts herself or someone else.
Let me ask you something.
Do you have any intention of moving to L.
and driving her to bridge every Tuesday? Or picking her up from Ross Dress for Less or Jewish Council Thrift on an hourly basis? I didn't think so.
So, please, bro, hoe your own row.
What is my row, Sam? You know.
Doing bank shit.
Being afraid of your wife.
Basically never doing anything to help me, ever.
I handle Phil.
(door closes) God He's right, Cookie.
(sighs) Could you and Mom have gone a little bit easier on him? He's so wound up.
He's got such a chip on his shoulder.
It wasn't intentional.
He's the firstborn.
The burned pancake.
And the second child is like a rewrite.
Always comes out a little better.
- Yes? - Let me ask you something.
Mm-hmm? Do you think I should take Phil's car away? Put her in a home? Let me ask you something.
You ever win a knife fight with a midget? (mouths) Whoa.
(sighs, groans) Uh, Truman Capote? - Long time ago.
- Very fat.
Very, very, very fat.
- (laughter) - Uh, Winston Churchill.
Chubby Checker.
- Ponytail.
With a ponytail.
- TRESSA: No, with a beard.
- The, ugh - MARION: Jackie Gleason.
- Fatty Arbuckle! - Warrior.
Rode a-rode a horse.
- Fat horse rider? - A very fat Oriental.
- Other team! - Genghis Khan.
- Yes! - (whooping) Phil, you cannot help them.
I'm not under your control, darling.
FRANKIE: It's upside down.
- MARK: Give! - (indistinct chatter) FRANKIE: Black-and-white, black-and-white.
- MARION: Penguin! - Yes! - PHYLLIS: That was good.
- MARION: Pickup truck.
No one's sleeping tonight I'm not afraid to go I've been up for too long Hey, kiddo.
What are you doing? Tell the story Made me scared to sleep - If we stay late - Oh Have a little time with you - (phone chimes) - That's a good girl.
And I'm out for too long Here.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh You don't believe in faith So there's a chance I take On the ocean every hour Waiting for you And you're taking too long (sighs) Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh
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