Better Things (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

1 DURHAM: My father had few friends.
A cathedral full of acquaintances, but few friends.
Murray Fox was one of them.
They'd both kill me for saying so.
- (light laughter) - A Jew from the Bronx.
An Irish Catholic from Westport.
But they-they thought of each other like brothers.
And so, on behalf of the Friars, hither and yon, past and present, it is my deep pleasure to honor Murray with this sketch to join our cadre.
And to you, Sam, we bestow the title Honorary Friar in Perpetuity.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Um (clears throat) my father loved being a Friar, and he loved coming here, and this means a lot.
I get a free martini, right? 'Cause - (light laughter) - Um, it's a nice perk.
But anyway thanks, Durham.
Okay.
Thank you.
I remember you were always so much older than me, and now we're exactly the same age.
How did that happen? Mm.
I don't know.
I do.
It's this hair.
My God.
You have no right to have such good hair.
You can do it again if you want.
(both laugh) So, off topic.
- No.
- What? I don't want to hear about how you shtupped Anne Bancroft when you were at the tender age of 15.
- You don't? - Or any of those.
That's an unsubstantiated rumor, you know.
(laughing): Yeah.
It's true.
And look at you.
You, you know it's not like you haven't had your world tour.
No.
No.
Child actor.
Married.
Now I'm dead.
(laughs) Hardly.
So, off topic.
Do you think it's true do you think your father and my mother During that five-year period when Cormic and Murray weren't speaking to each other Do you think they, uh did it? - What? - Yeah.
- That was over a script.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't think N-No.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's not like Cormic was, uh, the most faithful of men.
Well, Murray would never I mean, he was terrified of my mother's wrath.
(Durham chuckles) Your mom was a babe, though.
I remember.
Yeah.
I remember your mom, too.
- She was hot.
- She was - Hi, baby.
- Oh.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I thought you had to do the - I know.
Jeremiah's set isn't - until 11:00.
- Oh.
- I'm Ruth.
- Oh, yes.
Sam.
Sam.
Uh, this is Sam.
We grew up together.
SAM: Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
We grew up together.
Except he was older.
Much older.
- (Durham chuckles) - So much older.
You know the feeling? - You know what I mean, Ruth? - (cell phone buzzing) Just a second.
Hello? Wait.
Actually, no, honey.
You can't take No calls.
You Will you take that in the lobby? Seriously? Seriously.
It's-it's a rule.
(Durham sighs) - It's a rule.
- RUTH: Hello? RUTH (fading into distance): Hey.
You're here? Yeah.
- She's adorable.
- S-Stop it.
- Stop it.
Stop it.
- I didn't I'm not even - Don't.
Don't.
Come on.
- Okay.
It's not like I asked for that.
- (grunts) - This isn't a demographic - I go casting my net for.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's not - Yeah, I mean, because it's not like there's a whole swath of women in their 40s and 50s who are totally available, with great minds and better bodies, - lovely, sweet, amazing, - Mm.
Next-level, recently divorced, - well-adjusted, - I know.
Ready to go out and share a meal, have a good time, not boring.
And you just skip over all of them.
I mean, you guys just skip a whole generation.
Or three.
All right, I know, I know.
And-and, by the way, I agree.
You know? I have lived a bunch of life, and now I'm just glomming onto hers, you know, and it's it's not fair.
I-I don't know why she agrees to it.
(chuckles) - It's, you know - Mm-hmm.
I'm speechless.
(whispers): Yeah, it's it's tough.
- I feel for you.
I mean - (Durham grunts) But anyway - I'll leave you to Ruth.
- Oh, come on.
Sam, Sam, come on, she'll be gone in 20.
She is 20, bro.
Let's have dinner later.
Peace out, Friar Durham.
Oh, the hair! Come on.
Sam.
This was fun.
Deuces! Text me if you change your mind.
Cigarette smoke is in my eyes (bicycle bell rings) (birds chirp, squawk) Hi.
Thanks.
What are you doing in my hotel? This is my hotel.
It's definitely my hotel.
Oh, okay.
Um I didn't think you were coming in for this.
Yeah, I'm gonna see yours and a couple other readings.
Oh.
Cool.
You know, I'm really l-looking forward to it.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Do you have an early call? No, no, no, not too early.
Not too early.
That's so funny that you're staying in my hotel.
Well, you have good taste, I have good taste.
- Mm-hmm.
- Makes sense.
Yeah, we can go with that.
Are you freaked out? No.
No! No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
Just (clears throat) Anyway I don't want you to think that I'm rude, but I have to, uh, FaceTime my daughters and go up to my room, but it's really good I'm gonna see you tomorrow at the reading.
Thank you.
I'm gonna I just 'Cause (quietly): I mean, it's great.
You have good taste, I have good taste, we're staying in a hotel.
(loudly): I'll see you tomorrow, Mer.
Good night.
Anyway, seriously, sorry.
I told my daughters that I would Face It's better in the room.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Thank you.
Anyway If you'd only start to kiss me once And say "I love you" some more But you're either very bashful Or else just a little bit sore So if you really want to baby me Then, baby, why not do the thing right Because you really disappointed me When you forgot to Kiss me good night Good night.
WOMAN: Hey, Sam.
- Hi.
- We're on the main stage.
Okay, cool.
- (Sam chuckles) - MARK: Uh-oh.
- Nice.
- Cute.
Yeah.
Nice green shirt.
I see you got the memo.
SAM (laughs): Yes! - You're my brother! - We hate each other.
- Yeah, this is gonna be hard.
- I know.
- We're gonna have to act.
- Yeah, you think - you got it in you? - I think I do.
- I'm not sure about you.
- Me too.
- - (indistinct chatter) Good morning, sunshines.
- Good morning.
- OTHERS: Hi! (indistinct chatter) Aunt Sissy and I haven't seen each other since, uh, what? I saw you at Joe's Pub last month.
- Oh.
Last month.
- Yeah.
Thanks, man.
Hi.
Didn't read the script.
Did you guys read it? (sighs) Everybody, your character's name is on your script.
Just a few announcements.
We are on a straight six with a half-hour lunch, and I think we have an Equity deputy here Jon Jon.
- So concerns go to him.
- (whooping) - Jon Jon! - Oh, my God.
No, not you.
(chuckles) Can we take another vote, please? - MARK: Yeah.
- Your deputy commands you.
- (chuckles) Yes, Mama.
- (light laughter) And I will turn it over to your director Trevor.
- Yes! - Trevor! (clapping) What's up, guys? Thank you for coming in today.
Um, I've been working on this play for a couple years now with Mook.
(whistling, clapping) I'm gonna speak for the both of us.
We think this play is pretty tight, so we're not really looking for a bunch of ad-libbing or suggestions.
So, just do what's on the page.
Basically, after Williamstown, the play's been getting a lot of buzz, uh, both here and the West End.
So, basically, I'll stop you if I have any adjustments.
But otherwise, we're gonna try for a few reads and get it up onstage.
Cool.
MARK: I-I never get cold sores.
I just feel, like, a little tingle.
- Oh, Jesus.
- NORM: You never get cold sores, and you got a whole tub of lysine in your bag? Okay.
Okay, relax, Norm.
All right, relax.
- SAM: Wait.
I'm moving over.
- NORM: Scary.
Give Daddy a kiss.
- Put it right there.
- (laughing): No.
HOLLAND: Come over here and sit by me.
- I'm immune.
- (laughter) - Give me one.
Now I'm scared.
- Okay.
Yeah, you never know.
Deserted truck stop outside of Ames.
Copulating like swine under a lone sodium lamp.
This is straight out of a Hopper painting.
Oh, shit.
It's me.
Sorry.
NORM: I called you.
- That's points right there.
- JON JON: Were you? - Maybe.
- Either you were or you weren't.
Uh, look, uh, I'm sorry for stopping, but did I call? I mean, you did, and you didn't.
Gotcha.
And have shards of broken bottles shoved down my throat while being lowered slowly into a vat of rabid rats.
Um, okay.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Sam I really feel like you're enjoying this torture scenario.
And, like, you're playing it at an eight, and I'm gonna need you to take it down to, like, a six.
(chuckles) - (whispers): A six.
- TREVOR: Okay, good.
- So, uh, let's take it again.
- MARK: Okay.
Well, I would rather, uh, get the hairs of my balls - plucked one by one.
- (Trevor clears throat) Okay, guys, it's still a little hot, guys.
Um, the comedy lies in this being a totally you know, like you know kind of tone.
Yeah? - (soft chuckle) - Uh, yeah.
- Totally.
- We Uh, we know.
- Sure.
- TREVOR: Oh, crap.
We got to take a lunch.
All right.
- Half hour, people.
- That was, like, a seven.
- TREVOR: Thanks.
- SAM: It lies in the tone.
I mean, it's not good, right? (chuckling): Yeah.
There's no way they're bringing this to Broadway.
You never know.
We haven't drunk the Kool-Aid yet.
- Just wait.
- (phone rings) It's the home front.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
(door opens, bell jingles) (door closes) Huh? Really? Oh.
Mark.
Huh? Nice.
(indistinct chatter) (applause, cheering) TREVOR: So, we're gonna go straight through, no intermission.
Let's do the play.
Skewered by Mook Simmonds.
Watch the axe impacting my skull and have shards of broken bottles shoved down my throat while being lowered slowly into a vat of rabid rats.
Really? That sounds like joyous rapture.
He told me he wanted to marry you.
What? He said he was crazy for you.
What are you talking about? - Maybe you should tell her.
- Absolutely not! Don't even think about it! Jon.
- It's time.
- It's time? Windows on the world That's funny, coming from you.
HOLLAND: I don't care about the gossip of the thing.
I care about the thing! We're talking wha-what 30 years? - It doesn't matter.
- I'm a hundred million years old now.
Doesn't matter to me.
I am sick of it! I am sick of being the Lenny to your George.
Okay, I'm not sitting in the audience watching the movie of your life! Your quarter's up.
That floor you're standing on Now it's your turn.
Ain't gonna sweep itself GABRIELLE (crying): His whole life just clamps down.
Literally clamps down.
Painting every room I can't do anything.
(cheering, applause) MAN: Bravo! Bravo! (cheering, whistling) - You killed it.
You killed it.
- That was awesome.
- Couple things (laughs) - (laughs) I hope they get the funding.
- It was just wonderful.
- Wow.
- MARK: Thanks, Trevor.
- GABRIELLE: Thank you.
The audience really loved it, man.
- Amazing writing.
- Thank you.
You know, I was in an apartment with my parents on one side and my brother and his wife and their baby on the other.
- What was the title? - 9JKL.
- SAM: And I get afraid - Oh.
- Yeah, not a great title.
- because I-I feel like I'm hoarding it.
Yeah, well, you are.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, sorry.
- We'll see you at Dear John's.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
Yeah.
I'll-I'll meet up with you guys.
Hi.
Good? Was it good? I think it's good, right? I was chatting with the folks from the festival, and Mook loves you, of course.
Really? Mm.
How come Tressa didn't know? Oh.
Healthy boundary around that.
I mean (exhales) I never would have done this.
I never would have been able to even be part of this if you hadn't set it up.
How come she didn't know that? I'm not good at strategies.
Isn't that what a manager's supposed to do? (scoffs) We've been together 20 years.
We're like family.
But you're asking me if I could do a Broadway run? Well, yes, I would like to.
I would like to say that I did that, that I was on Broadway.
Then you should do it.
I can talk to Tressa for you.
There are ways to make this work.
Oof.
All right, well, I'll see you back in L.
A.
Wait.
What are you doing? I got to go up to my room, make some calls.
But the cast we're all gonna go have drinks and sing songs.
(chuckling): I need to work.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please, please.
Okay, let's just go in here for one drink.
One drink, okay? - Okay, one drink.
- Okay, good.
- (phone rings) - Ooh.
I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
- Wait.
Hang on.
Do you mind if I take this? Yeah, I'll order for you.
Okay.
Thanks.
(sighs) Hello.
- TRESSA: How'd it go? - The reading? No, the opera.
Yes, the reading.
Well, there's a lot of buzz.
Mer says they're gonna take it to Broadway.
Oh, Mer's there.
(sighs) Yeah, she's the one who thought of me for this.
You know, she figured that the playwright and I might connect, so Mer told you this? Yeah, after the thing.
What? - So, you want to do it? - I don't know.
But this is good.
It's good.
I'm gonna make this an easy conversation for you.
What conversation? You obviously feel the need to move on to greener pastures.
And I get it.
We've been together a long time.
And we both respect each other.
But you feel the need to shake things up.
I don't.
I'm not saying that.
Have I said that? And I value our friendship too much to stand in your way.
This conversation has been a long time coming.
Since the movie.
And I want you to feel that you have the support you need, - so I will step aside.
- Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Tressa.
You don't need to say another word.
I get it.
Best of luck to you, Sam.
(groans) (scoffs) - What, just now? - Mm-hmm.
- Just now.
- Why? I don't know.
She's jealous.
She gets her feelings hurt all the time.
I can't ever tell her about anything that goes on.
She's always like, "Well, I wanted to go to the thing with you.
" Why? I didn't invite you.
- You hurt her feelings.
- Yes.
I can't stand working with women.
I hate it.
They get so fricking emotional.
Uh-huh.
Anything that smells like a feeling, you can't do that.
(inhales) - Can't do that.
- Look, I get what feelings are, but I also know how women are, and it is so boring.
I know this is bait and I should walk away from it, but I kind of can't because it's absurd, what you're saying.
Yeah, it's also kind of true.
Someone should punch you for saying it.
I mean, I know it looks like I'm getting worked up.
I know it looks like you're riling me up, but you're just so wrong.
So essentially wrong.
Women are so much more complicated than the way you're portraying them.
You're just ragging on them 'cause of your own suppressed, fearful bullshit, so you got to put it all over women.
I wish you would just evolve already.
- You evolve.
- You evolve.
You evolve.
(chuckling): You evolve.
(chuckles) Would you like me to do something about this? About Tressa? No, not about Tressa.
About this.
Oh.
Um Oh.
Yes or no? (sighs) Yes or no? I'm not not saying no.
You're really something else.
Uh, what? Come on, Sam.
Come on.
Look, you say things to me, and you look at me a certain way, and I get dizzy.
You know, it feels like flirting.
- But that's not what it is.
- It is.
It feels like flirting because it is.
No, no, no.
I'm It's a line from Hannah and Her Sisters.
"I'm a little buzzed from all this flirting.
" I'm fine.
Either way, I'm fine.
But just so you know, I didn't misinterpret.
I didn't pick up on something that wasn't there.
And I'm not even blaming you.
I know better.
I do.
I've seen it a thousand times.
Seen what? Oh, that's right.
"I don't know what's happening.
" Your entire sense of self has been scrambled.
I get it.
I've scrambled you.
It doesn't make sense for you to be attracted to me.
I don't have a dick.
Well, I have a sack full of dicks.
But still I understand.
Confusing.
Wait, go back.
You have a sack of them? (chuckles): No.
No.
And yet, my dear, even if you don't know what it means, I've been around this block many, many more times than you have.
So there's no need to gaslight me.
No need.
We'll just call it a draw.
Good night, then.
See you.
GABRIELLE: This song is great.
Okay! I have often walked Down this street before But the pavement always stayed Beneath my feet before All at once am I Several stories high Knowing I'm on the street Where you live Are there lilac trees In the heart of town? Can you hear a lark In any other part of town? Does enchantment pour Out of every door? No, it's just on the street Where you live GABRIELLE: Here we go.
And, oh The towering feeling Just to know Somehow you are near The overpowering feeling That any second you may suddenly appear (woman laughs) People stop and stare They don't bother me For there's nowhere else on Earth That I would rather be Let the time go by I won't care if I Can be here On the street Where you live And, oh The towering feeling Just to know somehow you are near - I'm here.
- There you are.
The overpowering feeling That any second You may suddenly appear MAN: Hey, Norm, take us home.
People stop and stare They don't bother me For there's nowhere else on Earth That I would rather be Let the time roll by I won't care if I Can be here on the street Where you live.
(cheering, whooping) Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer, do I'm half crazy All for the love of you It won't be a stylish marriage I can't afford a carriage But you'll look sweet upon the seat Of a bicycle built for two - JON JON: One more time! - NORM: Oh! Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer, do I'm half crazy All for the love of you It won't be a stylish marriage GABRIELLE: Dump him.
I can't afford a carriage But you'll look sweet upon the seat - Of a bicycle built for two.
- GABRIELLE: Meow, meow, meow.