Better Things (2016) s03e10 Episode Script

1 Yep.
That's a predator.
So, what like, a coyote? Oh, no, no.
That's a bigger animal than that.
How much bigger? That's bear scat.
- Oh.
- See the turds' end? How they taper? Yep.
I say that that's unfailingly the shit of a 500-pound female black bear.
Whoa.
Do you own a firearm? LALA: It's today! - It's today! It's today! - SAM: It's today, it's today, it's today.
Yay! Mwah.
LALA: I love you.
Voilà.
SAM: Oh, my God.
This is stunning.
It's booze and health food.
I love our day, hey, I love our day, hey.
I love our day, hey I love this.
This is paradise here.
We need our lady time.
Bro.
- Happy New Year.
- LENNY: Har-loo! It's all happening! [all whooping.]
Ladies, Mama needs a drink! Ooh, I want a smoke, too.
- Damn it.
Hi, baby.
- PASCAL: Har-loo! - SAM, LALA and LENNY: Har-loo! - [Pascal laughs.]
- Menopause.
- LENNY: I missed you, hon.
- Ooh, here, have some very cheap wine.
- Please.
- Kick it up my notches! - My notches! [laughing.]
I love bread.
Is this thing on? - You want a Primo? Okay.
- PASCAL: Ah, yes, ma'am.
- LENNY: Yes, miss.
- LALA: Right, honey? Har-loo! ALL: Har-loo! - Oh, Tressa.
- Sam.
It's okay.
Aw I was scared you wouldn't come today because of me.
I didn't want to miss the thing.
And I meant what I said.
- We're friends too long.
- Mmm.
Besides, I like you better as a friend than a client.
Thank you? - [laughs softly.]
- Pace car.
Whoa.
- Here.
- [groans.]
- I've got you.
- Thank you, honey.
- We're friends forever.
- My God.
I don't like when that happens.
[laughing.]
LENNY: Baby, yes.
Come to Mama.
PASCAL: She's in her element here.
Your Royal Heiny.
Mm, mm, mm.
Wait a minute, is there any vodka in this at all? [laughs.]
You know I like more vodka than soda.
My mother has Murray.
I'm never leaving.
I'm gonna let my mother raise Murray.
I'm staying here.
Ida is so upset she couldn't be here.
She was gonna fly in a day early and everything, but then she got tickets to Springsteen.
She did? How much do you want to bet Ida got backstage passes? - Yeah.
- SAM: [laughter.]
Magic.
Show me the magic.
"Is he, like, single? Is that or is he in a relationship?" She said, "No he's single and he's straight.
Wait, how old are your daughters?" - And I was like, "Bitch!" - Bitch LALA: Hello? Over here? PASCAL: Put your lips together and suck.
I like when my kids say, "What happened to your boobs?" - You! That's right.
- You, you little bastards.
SAM: You have the maternity section in your fucking closet.
- Yes.
- LALA: Well, that, I'd go back to.
Can I move in your pool house? It feels so good to get untense.
- Yeah.
- ALL: Oh L'chaim, l'chaim.
- Thank you.
- Lala Land! - Lala.
- Lala Land.
- It's freezing.
- LALA: Well, get in here! It's so good.
Come on.
Do you use this thing a lot? - Yes.
Every day.
- Oh.
You guys have your drugs and alcohol, I have my Jacuzzi.
LENNY: I'll get in if you turn off the lights.
I think that's Mars.
Ooh, Tressa, you still got good boobs.
Thank you.
Don't look, though.
Do you want to hug naked in the Jacuzzi? - No, thank you.
- Just whip them around - a little a bit? - No! Come on, Sam! Those aren't really school shirts.
- [laughing.]
- The communal nudity, I Well, can you just watch Yesenia for me, please? - Bro, she's right here.
- Can you pick her up? It's just so dark out here and she's so tiny.
She's just a little potato chip tuna fish salad.
- [laughing.]
- Please? Thank you.
TRESSA: This is the last food [laughing.]
I shop for groceries all the time.
The boys are both teenagers now, they need constant food.
It's insane.
It's my job.
It's my actual job, groceries.
[phone chimes, vibrates.]
Stop asking my ETA.
You're supposed to be taking care of our kids.
- Leave me alone.
- Put down your phone.
- I can't.
- I got to put my clothes back on.
It's so cold.
Aren't you freezing? - I'm hot all the time.
- SAM: You know, some people say don't take anything, and other people say you have to take something, - otherwise, you'll get the bad thing.
- Right, right, - right, right, right.
- [spits three times.]
If you don't take, like, hormones or whatever.
- LENNY: I'm gonna check it out.
- PASCAL: Yes.
- 'cause I'm just sweating.
- No.
Try the Progesterone.
It's plant-based, it works great.
Literally, it's the only reason I'm sane right now.
So all you women have had kids, and that means you've had a hormone in you that protects you as you get older.
I haven't had any kids.
- What? - So I'm at a higher risk for - Finally, a reason.
- [laughing.]
I got a I-I've got a couple of hormones in me.
That's something.
PASCAL: No one else is on anything but me? LENNY: Well, I'm on something, - but not for that.
- [laughing.]
PASCAL: Can I just say, the hardest part about going through all of this is that you realize, too, on top of it all, you no longer exist as a woman.
You are like, literally invisible to people.
TRESSA: Oh, I love being invisible.
It's like I have a superpower.
I can just run all my errands and go about my day and nobody bothers me.
But how about that you don't realize how much juice you used to get from it? That's what freaked me out.
- Yeah.
- LENNY: You know what I mean? Like, that day I walked into Starbucks, and the two cute young chicks were getting all the juice.
And then I realized, I liked that juice.
You've gone through a whole day and nobody's, like, engaging with you, and it's not just guys.
- No.
It's everybody.
- It's girls, too.
It's like I knew it.
You guys, I think that the problem is, is that nobody is talking to anybody.
There has to be some kind of outlet for women and-and people.
Because we are all so busy.
We have to compare notes, right? 'Cause the pressure builds up, and this This lets the pus out.
- Gross.
- No, it's true.
It's true, though.
- It's true.
- People aren't sharing.
Women don't talk to each other.
- Mm-mm.
- SAM: Even Cadence Ford The-the asshole robot mom at Duke's school Like, needs her own come to Jesus moment where she, like, reveals her inners and doesn't feel judged or picked on.
Even her.
- I hate her so much.
- [laughing.]
But even she needs to do that with her own type of people.
[laughing.]
I'm sure there's some around.
I mean, women have to, we have to.
- We owe it to the future.
- LALA: Well, we just, - We owe it to now.
- We got to do this more.
This is so, so important.
- Yeah.
- [Yesenia barking.]
TOM: Lala? Why are all the lights off? Can't see anything, Lala.
Hey, there you are, little girl.
There you go.
- Oh - [all sighing.]
TOM: [chuckles.]
Hello.
- Oh, hey.
Really.
- Hello.
What were you talking about? Were you talking about your men? [scattered chuckling.]
- Hey.
- Guys, this is, um, Tom's oldest and dearest friend Stan.
- Hi.
- How was the game? TOM: We left early.
Stripling got lit up for seven in the bottom of the fifth.
Hey, did you guys want some food? Uh, we had Dodger Dogs.
- Was traffic bad? - Oh.
It was awful.
I mean, you know, this is the reason I left L.
A.
You know, the smog, the traffic, the earthquakes.
[chuckles.]
Northridge still wakes me up in the middle of the night.
I'm telling you, the rude people flip you off and then drive away.
No accountability.
Mary Jane.
[chuckles.]
SAM: Why are you clearing? Are we done? Oh, you're not done? Oh, I'll I'll put out more plates.
I thought we were done.
Uh, we don't need new plates.
We pretty much just sat down.
No, hon.
Here, I-I'll put out more plates.
No, it's okay.
Forget it.
We can be done.
Oh, I have dessert.
- Who wants dessert? - Oh, yes.
Yes, me, please.
- Are we gonna watch the thing? - Yes, that's why we're here.
- LENNY: Come on.
- Hey.
What were you guys talking about tonight? Sex? Hmm? [Lenny laughs.]
- You look drunk.
Ha-ha.
- Yeah, you think so, Tom? [chuckles.]
And you, Sammy.
[chuckles.]
Are you? Just a little? - Ha-ha.
- [chuckling.]
Night, girls.
- I'll have dessert.
- Yes.
I thanked Tom for letting us be here and that it means a lot and it's really nice.
Why? Uh, 'cause it's his house.
No, it's not.
It's Lala's house, too.
He shouldn't even be here.
He left the game early.
He could've gone someplace else.
That's disgusting.
What? Yeah, we've been planning this for months.
Ida was gonna fly in.
Hey, Tom! You want some ice cream and fruit? Jesus Christ, don't offer him dessert.
What are you doing? I know, right? I know.
It's, like, this thing I do, where I'm like, "Ah.
" Yeah, you, like, become, like, some kind of weird geisha.
Are you serious? I am serious.
Can't you just ask him to leave or something? No, he doesn't have to go anywhere.
I'm sorry, but I love my husband.
So, if you have a problem with him staying here, then you get the fuck out.
- Oh.
Okay - LENNY: Uh-uh-uh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, guys.
Tress, you want to help me set up Sam's movie? TRESSA: Oh.
Are we still doing that? [scoffs.]
I'm a little drunk.
Am I wrong? It's okay.
Sorry.
But I'm not.
Sorry.
Mm.
Hello! It's just me.
- Hi.
- Hi, Gran.
You look really nice.
Ah, thank you, Her Nibs.
You want some breakfast, Phil? Um, I've eaten.
I'm going to an Irish wake today.
It's day two.
What's an Irish wake? FRANKIE: It's a wake where they put the body out on a table and there's, like, candles and everybody sings and dances and loses their mind and gets shithouse drunk.
[chuckles.]
: Well.
[hiccups.]
Mom! Grandpa's in my room! [hiccups.]
FRANKIE: But it's really nice, because it goes on - for, like, four days.
- Mom, Mom, it's Grandpa.
It's kind of like shivah, and the body's never alone.
Grandpa's in my room! Mom! He is certainly not.
[hiccups.]
He's in a chest at the foot of my bed.
What? What do you mean? All this nonsense.
It's so much fuss.
I just had him cremated.
- [hiccups.]
- I'm not even sure why I've kept his ashes.
More things underfoot.
[Duke hiccups.]
Mom, I saw him.
He's here.
He's here right now.
[hiccups.]
Okay, baby, calm down.
Mom! Okay! Okay, okay, okay.
- Wait, let me turn down the burner.
- FRANKIE: Wait, I want to see.
Hang on! Do any of you want to join me for the wake? It's ever so much fun.
Well, I'm off.
There's nobody here except Mandy Patinkin.
I'm not lying! [hiccups.]
- I know, honey.
- No! Grandpa was sitting right there, in a brown suit, and he asked me what was up with my friend Django's mom.
Dude, that's a big buttprint.
Duke couldn't have made that.
Huh.
- I need my dog.
- Cigarette smoke Is stinging my eyes - [door slams.]
- And I can't see your face Mom, I told you.
There is something in the house.
It's not a joke.
You never listen.
[groans.]
SAM: Thank you for seeing me over your lunch.
Not a problem.
It sounded urgent.
So Well, how are the pills working out? You get any sleep? Oh.
Great.
[clears throat.]
They're terrific.
Also, I maybe forgot to start taking them.
Okay.
Well, that seemed like an important reason for coming here.
- Yeah.
- Is this about Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
Um Okay, I have this thing.
- Thing? - Yeah.
There's this thing in the house.
It's, like, um a presence, I guess? What-What do you mean, like a ghost? [spits three times.]
Sure.
Okay.
Yes.
And it's driving my kids insane, which is not that hard to do.
I mean, they're actually terrified.
And I usually can keep a good handle on it.
But this otherworldly shit is a bit too much for me.
I mean, I'm a single lady.
Only one realm at a time, you know what I mean? Okay, well, I'm not a-a children's specialist.
What I want is, can you just come over to my house [chuckles.]
: and lie to them? - You want me to lie to them? - My kids can't be reasoned with on any kind of normal human level.
So, I don't know, I just thought maybe you could come over and pretend to be a medium and say that you sense that the spirits are angry because they're mean to their mom or whatever.
Okay.
Okay, that is an insane idea, and I don't know why you'd come to me about it.
Isn't that what you do Talk people down from the made-up shit in their heads? Well, it's a little more complicated than that, Sam.
And, you know what, this whole game, it's kind of a, uh it's kind of a bullshit move on your part.
Oh.
Uh, what? Why did you text me when you were out of town? Why'd you text me when you were away? I don't know.
Yes, you do.
Jesus, who cares? - I just texted you - I care.
I care, Sam, and you know it.
I'm not gonna lie to your kids the first time I meet them.
And if you were trying to sabotage this whole thing Whatever's happening between you and me Uh, then mission accomplished.
And, uh I really I actually do have a-a busy afternoon, so, uh, if that's it Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
[clears throat.]
Okay.
I'll just I'll leave, I guess.
I [groans.]
Um I'm gonna go.
I don't really know how to do this.
Well, I don't either, but maybe I could help you out.
Obviously, I'm not gonna charge you for this session.
Mm.
SAM: Is that turkey? - DAVID: Mm-hmm.
- Did you eat the whole pickle? - DAVID: Not yet.
- Okay, good.
[sighs.]
Cigarette smoke is in my eyes - [scoffs.]
- You know, kid whatever fathers say to their daughters about their love lives [mock retching.]
it's toxic.
All of it.
A bullshit bunch of fear that's projected onto young women.
So you know what? I'm not gonna say a thing to you about what just happened in there.
- Okay.
- That shrink, though [chuckles.]
he was kind of adorable.
Excuse me? I mean, if I ever swung that way.
You know.
Hey, back in the '70s things got a little blurry.
Whole years, actually.
Oh, come on, lighten up! Kid! [sighs.]
You should be laughing, okay? That was funny.
Jesus, so serious.
[scoffs.]
[engine starts.]
[grunts.]
- Run - [groans.]
- Away - [grunts.]
From this tired life It's too warm at night Hey, mister.
You know what those are? Comics? Mm-hmm.
See that? Murray Fox.
- That's Grandpa.
- Mm-hmm.
He wrote it? He wrote all of these.
All of those.
Hot Knives.
[laughs.]
: The Martian Who Loved Me.
- What's that? - This is his word ball.
Whenever Grandpa would get stuck, he would take this, and he would spin this around and look for words that would inspire him.
- Can I try? - Yes.
Read one one to me.
What does "in-effa-ble" mean? Like, uh something that you can't describe with words.
- [laughs.]
- Isn't that cool? Yeah.
Did your dad leave you when you were little, too? Honey, my dad didn't leave me.
He had a heart attack.
Remember? We talked about it.
Okay.
Was he old? No, not really.
How old was he? He was almost 50.
Aren't you almost fif Shah.
Shi-shi-shah.
[giggles.]
Do you miss him? [sighs.]
Not all the time.
Sometimes.
I miss him today.
Hang on.
MURRAY: Remind me that story about, uh, Marion.
GIRL: Oh, the one a few weeks ago? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right.
Well - Is that? - Mm-hmm.
[conversation continues over tape recorder.]
Who's the other voice? - Who do you think? - MURRAY: Marion was - teaching you to make an egg? - Uh-huh.
What? No.
No.
What do you mean, no? I was probably around your age there.
You sound weird.
[recorded conversation continues.]
- You sound weird! - No.
Oh, okay.
- You sound weird! Take it back! - No! Stop! Stop! Take it back.
- I take back nothing.
- Take it back.
Take it back.
[laughing.]
: I take back nothing.
[Duke continues laughing.]
- You gotta write it down.
- YOUNG SAM: I don't write it down.
MURRAY: You have to write it down.
With these things, I tell you, - SAM: I know, I know.
- Got to keep a journal.
SAM: Okay, I will, I will.
WOMAN: Whether God exists or not, it doesn't make any difference.
The difference is, you've got to do life believing in somebody or something.
You have to have faith in them.
If they let you down for any reason, well, that's the way it is.
But I just take life as it comes.
Comes and goes Isn't it wild How we laugh and we smile For the people we love And the people we don't We deny Isn't - It wild - Isn't it wild How we fight to define What we do day to day By the way those - Around us portray - [laughter.]
That's definitely in! I'm not gonna say it.
[laughs.]
: Fine.
I'll say it.
Isn't it wild How we love to indulge In a sorry-ass show Of illusion In all that is sane Ours Monkey? Oh Mandy.
Isn't it wild In the time that it takes To learn the lesson We dwell upon making mistakes - Oh, isn't it wild - [sobs.]
Shit.
[sobbing.]
[crickets chirping, dog barking in distance.]
[sniffles.]
- [animal bellows.]
- Oh.
[bear bellows.]
- Isn't it wild - [bellows.]
When we come face to face With the love - Of our lives - Whew! And we don't have A damn thing to say Whew.
Isn't it wild Mm.
Once there was a little mouse Who had a yen for cheese So I bought a brand-new trap And baited it to please The old mouse said, "There's danger, son Be careful where you go" "Oh, nonsense," said the little mouse "I don't think you know" He walked up boldly to the cheese And then he took a bite Now shed a tear for sonny dear There's one less mouse tonight.