Better Things (2016) s05e02 Episode Script

Rip Taylor's Cell Phone

1 Hey, can you pass me those? Yeah, no.
Those ones.
Those look really good.
- No.
- Hi.
I'm here.
I need to purchase some items.
I'm a patron.
I'll be by the plants.
Excuse me.
I can't help but notice that you're wearing a Land of the Lostjacket? Yes? Are you Sid or Marty? I'm Marty, the good-looking one.
Oh, my God.
This is unbelievable.
I'm your biggest fan.
I don't even know what to say.
Look, I'm shaking.
Don't get excited.
I'm only a human being.
And, by the way, what's your name? - I'm Sam.
- Sam.
What's your profession? Well, I-I'm an actor, and also recently I've been lucky enough to be employed behind the scenes.
Like, like what you do.
You know what And this is important Don't ever let them fuck you.
And let me give you some advice that my dad gave me.
Don't ever, ever give up.
'Cause if you give up on Tuesday, there is no Wednesday, and Wednesday could've been the day.
I have something to give you.
My card.
You got to promise me you'll only sell it if you need the cash.
I promise.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much, Marty.
I will treasure this.
Can I give you a hug? Absolutely.
Can you buy me the flowers? - Hey, Marty! - Yeah! - Oh.
- Thank you so much, Marty.
- Bye.
- Oh, my God.
Do you guys know who that is? - He's a legend.
- Yeah, he's a regular.
You brought me up watching his shows.
Oh, my God, I'm done! - Dead! - Did he give you his card? Oh, he gives everybody his card, which isn't smart for a minor celebrity, if you really think about it.
Because, you know, flooding the market depreciates its value.
- Guys! - Mom, no.
- Really? - Okay, "humans," "human people.
" - Look! - Mom! Don't touch it.
Lens cloth.
- God.
- Oh, my God.
Some little girl lost her cell phone.
- Again, with the gender assumptions.
- Oh, sad.
Okay, Rip Taylor lost his cell phone.
- Jesus.
- Wow.
Aw Maybe there's an address on here - or something.
- Ridiculous woman.
Mom, can we hurry, please? - We have to drop off Jason at home.
- Well, what do I do with this? I-I don't know.
Look for ICE on it.
- What's "ICE"? - What is "ICE"? "In Case of Emergency.
" Just tap it.
Okay, see? Right there.
Mom and Dad.
Call the dad.
Call the dad.
!¡Hola, chaparrita! Are you calling papá from your room? Oh, hi.
Actually, it's not chaparrita, but I do have her phone.
Que? What? You do? Where did you get it? Where is my daughter? Get down! Hello?! What's happening?! Are those gunshots? - Um, yeah.
That-that was - Is my daughter there? - Where are you? - That was gunshots, but she's not here.
- Tell me what's happening! - I don't know.
I have to call you back.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Stay down.
- Fuck was that? - Get down.
Get down.
- You okay? Oh, my God.
- Jesus.
Stay down.
Stay down.
What happened? Welcome to Van Nuys.
Email me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let's get you home, Jason.
He shot into the sky? Was he an idiot? All those bullets have to land somewhere.
That's exactly what I said, Gran.
Somebody stole a shipment of wine.
Frankie googled it.
Well, all we can do is be grateful no one was hurt.
We don't need another injury in the family.
Another injury? What do you mean? Well, you know, after Max broke her nose.
The business with the hospital.
I don't know, Phil.
Oh, dear.
I wasn't supposed to No, hello, please, or are we just gonna pretend that you didn't just tell me that my daughter was in the hospital? Max took care of it.
I paid the bill through her lawyer.
They won't be bothering us anymore.
How much did you pay this person? Phil? $7,000.
And he wanted more for her bail.
Don't go anywhere.
We're coming right over.
Mom, relax.
I'm very relaxed.
It's fine.
Phil? I don't understand.
Did it even sound like Max? She told me it was her, but she said her voice sounded odd because she was in a car accident and her nose was full of gauze.
And you just believed this? Well, I had my suspicions, but the hospital administrator said that they would refuse to release her unless I paid her bill.
Phil, that wasn't a hospital administrator.
I realize that now.
I wasn't born yesterday.
But at the end of the day, what did they take? - It's just money.
- Phil.
They have your information.
Your accounts.
Your address.
Mom, can you please stop freaking out? We've already filed the police report.
Apparently, it's been happening to tons of people - in Los Angeles.
- Who filed a police report? - You and Max? - No.
Me and Gran.
Um, surprisingly enough, Max "the, uh, oldest, the mature one" was not involved at all.
I did it all.
I handled it.
You see? All taken care of.
Was anyone planning on telling me any of this?! Don't get hysterical.
You see, this is exactly why we decided it would be a sister secret.
A what? It's when we all collectively decide to keep something from you, because you're insane and blow everything out of proportion.
So, everyone's a sister? Even her? And I'm over here, not a sister.
Just a lonely turd floating around in the pickle jar by myself.
Is that how this works? Okay, Gran.
I'm gonna help you with your groceries.
I got you that cinnamon cookie dough that you love.
Oh, wonderful.
You're so good to me.
Yeah! I'm so lucky.
Ooh Eddie of Western Costume! Hey, Sam.
- Good to see you.
- You, too.
Oh, hi.
Um What did you just call me? Uh, nothing.
I said, "Hi, um" Oh, I thought you called me "ma'am.
" Oh, no.
Uh, I'm here for a fitting for the Untitled Robert Fair Morriss Project.
This is Dragnet 22.
- Oh - Look, reception's up front.
Make sure you're parked in the right zone or you'll get towed.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, ma'am.
Just the facts, ma'am.
" Oh.
That was No, that's a Dragnet reference.
That was not You-You're too young to know it.
I'm 54.
54? Holy fucking shit.
Hello? Dun.
Hello? Anybody here? Bueller? Okay.
I guess I'll just sign myself in.
Signing my self.
1970 winter hats.
1960 wig caps.
Novelty resort straw I love this.
Oh, my God.
Max would love those.
What? What? I'll just steal all the hats from the hab'dashery.
My people.
This is so nice.
Sam Fox? I Hi.
That's me.
You're 15 minutes late, and we have rolling fittings today.
- Shall we go? - Yes.
Sorry about that.
- Shall we go? - Coming right now.
I'm coming.
32 and a half.
I know.
I try clothes on like that in the store.
Put this on.
Oh, right here? I mean, can I just go in the changing room? This is the changing room.
Could I ask if You mind Could you guys turn around for a minute? How about this? If you're uncomfortable, then you turn around and undress.
That way I can still see you and do my job.
I totally get you.
You know what? I wanted to see There's a little space back here, 'cause I feel better that way.
I'm shy.
Little shy.
You don't like it? What? No.
This is great.
I don't know if you know this, Sam, but you are so pretty.
- Mm.
- Can you take it in? Like, really take it in? Yes.
Thank you very much.
Taking it in.
Putting it into my pocket.
I'm so pretty.
Uh, is there a bathroom nearby? I really have to go to the bathroom.
You have to go? - Like, right now? This second? - Yes.
Yeah, I didn't have to go until You put this corset on me, - but I Yeah.
- It's on the other side - of the building.
- Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Ow! Thespians.
That's the one.
Let's take a look at that.
- Okay.
- The one that says It looks like my mom's.
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Ron! - I love you! - Oh, no, Sammie Fox.
- Is that you? - Ron.
- Oh, look at you.
- Hi! My God.
- Don't ask.
What - No.
What are you doing here? Same as you, a costume fitting for this sitcom shooting in San Francisco.
One of those new fancy streamers, and I'm executive producer.
That's so good, Ron.
- I think I hate the movie I'm doing.
- What? I thought you were directing now.
I saw your episodes of Happy & Broke last year.
I was, but now I'm back to doing whatever this is, I guess.
You want me to put you in the mix? I'm putting you in the mix, Sam.
We're hiring only female directors right now.
We're trying to save some spots for older women.
- For older women? - Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
No, I mean like really old, like over-the-hill old.
- You'd be perfect.
- Perfect.
No, listen, Sam, this is right up your alley.
Show's all about family, new beginnings, and pain-in-the-ass kids.
You know, I really want to, but I'm stuck on this thing, and I have no idea how long it's gonna go.
Might be a way you can do both.
Talk to your agents.
Remember all those years ago, your dad coming on the set? We'd laugh our tits off.
Man, we had a ball.
That said, uh, he knew all my bad traits, so I don't think he really wanted me around his adorable-ass daughter.
Oh, Ron.
You're doing the gig, Sam.
Okay, come play with us.
And I promise, I won't play too rough.
- Still so bad.
- Yeah.
You know me.
- I know! - Give me, give me, give me.
Wow, you just lifted me right up.
I'm gonna see you, Sam.
- I hope so.
- Yeah, you will.
You will.
Wow, I'm really excited.
Petticoat, Petticoat, Junction, Junction - All right, where were we? - See you, Ron! All right, darling.
All right.
- Hi, Mal.
- You shouldn't FaceTime and drive.
- What do you want, Mal? - How'd the fitting go? Not great.
I stood there for five hours while that Nazi lady yanked me like a stretch doll.
Ha! That's hilarious! First of all, Janna Morghenstal is Danish, not German.
And secondly, she's a fucking vampire genius.
She's known for her coats.
It's like I don't know, Mal.
This whole thing is giving me shpilkes.
Nobody's being clear about the shooting schedule.
Did you know that they're shooting in Belarus? - Belarus? - Hundreds of extras, really complicated.
At least I'll get to chill in Belarus with Donald Glover.
He won't be going.
They're shooting him out in Indiana and are cheating it.
You will be there for three weeks.
- Mostly night shoots.
- Five, actually.
Listen, honey, I swear to God, this project, it's gonna be great for your profile.
- Why, though? - I just told you.
Your acting career.
You can find a way to make this work, right? I didn't do it right.
I know.
Five weeks? On another continent? I can't do that.
It's like bird cages.
- I have responsibilities.
- Yes.
Mal, is it too late for me to get out of this? I have only had one fitting.
I need to know what I'm doing, - and this makes me feel out of control.
- Oh.
I can do that.
Thank you.
This is a mistake, Mal.
I can't.
I can't go.
I feel stupid.
I I feel like I-I-I-I I don't love it enough, Mal.
I don't know if I love acting enough to do this, Mal.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This is a sin.
This is a shonda.
You never turn down work, ever.
My people come from laborers and hardworking survivors.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, Mal.
Please, please get me off of this movie.
I can't believe I was wearing that.
I hate it.
I can't.
I can't, I can't wear the wishbone.
Mal, I feel like I'm moving backwards, and I need to move forwards.
Please, please.
Please, please, please, please, please.
- Please.
- Okay, you'll sleep on it? No.
- A little sleep on this one? - Nope.
I feel so good deciding this.
Don't you, Mal? Why would I feel good? But I am here to support you, so yes.
Nice speech, Norma Rae.
I feel alive! Oh, yes! Yes! Padres.
Can't get the dumb thing off.
Thank you.
Fuck you, garlic.
Oh, fuck.
I just saw Angels.
No, you can't have any.
Ooh, the ballots.
Serious? Frankie.
Honey baby, come on.
- It's starting.
- Mom, look at this.
Are you there? - Oh! - This is marvelous.
We should've been doing this for years.
Yes, it is something.
It was good to see the girls.
Yes, they're quite grown.
- Don't you love that? - You've got a lot of wrinkles.
Where did you find this? I made a screen recording.
You've got a bald spot.
Oh, Uncle Lester.
Oh, my God.
I miss him.
- Oh! - Whoa! Ooh, it's wind-ing.
Remember when you were a little girl and you used to say, "Mama, it's wind-ing"? - You love the wind.
- Yeah, during the day.
I don't fuck with the wind at night.
Oh, my God.
Ooh Auntie Em! Surrender, Dorothy! Wow.
Are you ready to go? Yeah.
What? What? You're leaving? Yeah.
Jason's brother has a concert, - and we promised we would go.
- Wait a second.
I planned a whole thing.
We were gonna watch the finale together.
- We made a whole big thing about it.
- Sorry, Mom.
You can give Max my plate, though.
Thanks for thinking of us.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
I promise you next time, okay? I love you.
Okay, cool.
Well, I did have some rather large news that I wanted to share with you.
I made a choice.
I made a choice, and, uh, I did a very hard thing.
It took a lot of guts.
I quit a job that wasn't gonna be good for me, and I feel better about it.
I just wanted you guys to know that, and also I cooked all day.
I made sloppy joes and profiteroles, and I printed out ballots for the finale.
Also, also, I cut my finger to the bone.
Bled for you guys, but that's cool.
You go do your own thing.
I'll just go and watch the finale with the dogs by myself, and And even the dogs aren't here.
Now vodka.
Vodka now.
This mercy train Foot in the grave till the white light Girl, you know how I feel Young girl, get out of my mind My love for you is way out of line Better run, girl You're much too young, girl With all the charms Of a woman Hi, can I help you? - Here for the package.
- What? They said you had a package for me? Um, no, I don't have a package for you.
It's a cell phone.
Pink cell phone.
- Pink cell phone! - Yeah.
- The package.
You're the TaskRabbit.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Boom.
- I'll be right with you.
What's your license number? Just kidding.
I know that's a different thing.
Gonna get Rip Taylor's cell phone.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Um, excuse me.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Do you like this job? Do you make your own hours? Yeah, it's great.
I just came here from Kansas City, so - Oh.
- Yeah.
That's-that's I hear you guys have a lot of corn.
Right? You have a lot of corn.
Like, canned corn, candy corn.
Cracker Jacks.
"You're the prize in my box.
" - That's from a movie.
- Yeah.
You look familiar.
What do you do? Oh, me? - Yeah.
- I'm a housewife.
That's awesome.
That's amazing.
I I have so much respect for what you do.
I-I love housewives.
That's very swee Anyway, you have a good night.
Uh, yeah.
You, too.
Chewy, come on.
Let's go.
Young dick, get out of my life My love for you is way out of line You better run, dick You're much too young, dick
Previous EpisodeNext Episode