Better Things (2016) s05e04 Episode Script


1 They're dropping like flies.
Good Lord.
A lot of my friends are dead.
It's like a serial killer's in town.
Or maybe chemical warfare.
I just can't believe Lorelai and Hal are both gone.
And Hal hung himself.
- Hanged.
- That's so sad.
Well, he got the diagnosis, and he just didn't want to go on.
And Lorelai swore she would never drive at night anymore.
Well, you can play bridge with two people.
Gran, I found this box with a bunch of stuff with Post-its.
It's like you've been preparing to die since 1997.
- Course.
- That's so rude.
It's part of life.
Oh, bugger.
Gloria? Oh, goodbye, Gloria.
This is wonderful.
- I like having this.
- Okay.
Now satellite, maps.
- Now type your address here.
- Mm-hmm.
Isn't that crazy? Oh, dear.
That's my home.
Oh, I don't like this at all.
This is a dreadful invasion.
And why is my old car still in the driveway? No.
No, Nan, this isn't now.
This is a drone shot that was taken a while back before Mom made you get rid of your car.
Made me? That was my choice.
Your mother can't make me do anything.
Me, either.
Oh, you know what I really want to see? The house where you and Uncle Lester grew up.
Is that okay, Nan? Do you want that? I-It's all right, dear.
I-I'd like to see that.
19 Ainsworth Avenue.
United Kingdom.
Oh, my goodness.
That's my house.
And there's the bus stop my father used to take to work every day.
And that's the River Mersey.
We lived on the east side of the river.
And this is where my good friend Lilly lived.
Everyone called us Phil and Lil.
And Yes.
Then there was the gang.
Dorothy Brew, Valerie Campbell and Diane Simpson.
I was jealous of Diane because she was an only child and got everything she wanted.
And then there was Sheila Corbyn and her sweet brother Ben.
He fell madly in love with me, you know.
- Do you think he's still there? - I have no idea.
I lost touch with everyone when I came to America.
Well, let's see if he's on Facebook.
Is that the cloud? Absolutely not.
I'm not doing the cloud.
Nan, you're using the cloud right now.
This is the cloud.
It's actually the perfect place for your people to stay in touch.
What kind of people am I? The Silent Generation.
But regardless, she doesn't have an account, so let's just use mine.
Is that him? Yes.
That's him.
Oh, my goodness.
He's still handsome.
Oh, he did make me laugh.
I did like him quite a bit.
But I wanted to travel, see the world.
No set plan.
Just save my money and get up and go.
He's single.
Friend him.
Oh, he doesn't need to be single for us to be friends again.
Let's send him a message.
Oh, no, stop! I would never greet him like that.
"Darling" Oh.
No, I couldn't possibly.
Um, um "Dearest" - Aw, "dearest.
" - I love that.
- She's so pretty.
- I know, right? And it's weird, because I didn't think Like, I don't hate her as much as I thought I would.
Who's pretty? Your teacher? Mom.
This conversation is private.
I'm sitting right next to you.
Do you want me to just pretend I'm unconscious? Yep.
Just your friendly neighborhood Uber driver here.
Not listening.
Which is bullshit.
They always listen.
So, this is the Chapel of the Holy Cross.
The three of us hiked all the way to the top.
And then this is the view of the whole canyon - and the red rocks.
It was sick.
- Whoa, that's beautiful.
- Was it hard? - Not really.
I mean, my dad was a little bit slow, but Marianna kept up.
She's a runner.
Okay, Mom, I didn't tell you because I thought you would get your feelings hurt.
Me? Oh, I so don't care, baby.
I have zero feelings about your dad's personal dating life.
- Don't care.
- Okay.
But, Mom, she's actually, like, kind of cool.
She's a dermatologist.
And she's half Uruguayan.
And she gave me all these, like, really good skin care products.
Okay, see? You do care.
Oh, no, I seriously don't.
It's like you told me some gay guy named Larry married his boyfriend in Torrance.
Pepper, - you got your paperwork to shadow Duke? - Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Five stars, please, Miss.
You're not funny.
Actually, people tend to find me pretty funny.
Please put that phone down before you walk into that building! Esperanza! - Hi.
- Oh, hi, Sam.
- How are you? - Hi.
- I'm good.
- How's Max and Frankie? They're good.
- Toi, toi, toi.
They're all big now.
- Aw.
The house feels kind of empty.
You want to come back? I need a friend.
I'm with this new family now.
I think the boy is a Nazi.
He doesn't like my pupusas.
What? One sec! Who could hate your pupusas? Here, you take them.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Be honest.
Do you miss us? We're your favorites, right? What? Oh, Danny! Hey.
I was hoping I'd see you here.
My friend.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
You come back for tacos nacos.
- With you? - Bring your kids.
I'll bring six of mine, okay? Okay.
- You make me smile.
- Oh.
Bye, Danny.
- All right.
- See you later, king.
What? You know Danny Trejo? Yes.
Sammie, be careful.
He's a married man.
You know he's already had seven wives.
Oh, what? No.
- We're not that.
- No? No.
That's right.
- No man for Sam.
- Yes, that's right.
Down with men.
El stinko.
Muy contenta sola.
- Bye, Esperanza.
- Adios.
Sorry! Sorry.
Hi there, schmuck.
Oh, a briefcase.
- Hello.
- Shut up.
Uncle Marion's here to help Mommy.
Just sign this.
Do this right now.
What is it? Fill it out.
You need it.
I don't have a lot of time.
Gold pen.
Can I? - You're giving that back to me.
- Okay.
Wait, what is this? - What? - I'm not checking this box.
"An unmarried woman"? Am I being filmed? Is this a joke? I don't joke about money.
It's antiquated, yes.
It's just how most forms are still.
This makes me physically ill.
Who am I, Jill Clayburgh? Was "spinster" not available? I would prefer "spinster.
" Just fill it out.
That's your fiduciary voice.
You're very serious.
It's so fiduciary.
You're doing that right now.
"It's very fiduciary.
" Do you even know what the word "fiduciary" means? Yes.
- Republican.
- Would you like to know what my fiduciary advice is to you right now? No, not at all.
'Cause you wouldn't like it.
Go ahead.
Tell me.
Be annoying.
Your debt-to-income ratio is a joke.
You're overleveraged with the two mortgages and the four dependents.
Not to mention the mamzer who bled you dry.
I know all this.
So what do I do? You want my advice moving forward? Yes.
- Okay.
- No.
- All right.
- No.
- Oh, God.
- No.
Okay, yes.
- All right.
- No.
Actually, no.
Because I don't like the tone of your face.
And I feel very accused right now.
So, if you could give me your advice without that.
Our mother's 83 years old.
She doesn't need a three-fucking-bedroom house.
I knew it.
It always comes down to Phil with you.
You're obsessed.
You got to take the emotion out of it.
Rent her a small condo.
People do it every day.
It's not a revolutionary idea, Sam.
Do that and "And"? "And"? I get to do another thing? Yes.
Sell your house.
You're in the negative zone right now.
- Are you a grown-up? - Are you a grown-up? Seriously, are you? Because grown-ups don't pretend their financial issues evaporate just by closing their eyes.
I'm not selling my house, bro.
Why not? Max is gone.
Frankie and Duke will be gone soon.
Why do you need all this house? You don't.
It's just you.
You're five-foot-nothing.
You don't need all this.
I love you, sis, but you're a pain in the ass.
You got all the love growing up because you're so talented and charming and entertaining.
But this right here? This is what I'm talented at.
And I'm sorry if my talent is boring and dry.
And a little overwhelming.
Aah! Bro.
This just happens lately.
I'm gonna say this because I think you need to hear it right now.
- Dad would have been proud of you.
- Aw, come on.
That makes it worse.
All right.
Come here.
Let go.
- Oh, you stink.
- Let go.
You're the worst.
Let go.
Let go.
All right.
Get off me.
That's enough.
I hate you.
You put the "douche" in "fiduciary.
" Just sign it, will you? - I'm not checking that box.
- You don't have to You don't have to Just sign that.
You're such an adult.
I'm proud of you.
- Bro.
- Yeah.
- Sucker! - Damn it.
- It cost more than your car.
Come here! - I love you! Are you serious? What? Please come in here with me.
I can't.
I can't fuck with antique malls and all those energies in there.
It's dangerous for somebody like me.
Okay, Theresa Caputo.
Are you coming in? Uh No, thank you.
Be careful of those robots.
They'll get you.
I can't believe they sell those.
Is that legal? Roald Dahl was a Nazi.
Uh, what should I get my mom? Do you like any of those? I don't I don't know.
Just get her whatever.
She'll like anything.
Are we done? Can we go now? Um, let me pay for this, and we can leave.
Honey, it's too late Honey, it's too late Too late to cry - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, for begging me, baby That's a beauty.
Honey, will you get her the key so she can open it? Now that you need me, darling How could you walk out? Oh, whoa It's so sad.
Everybody who was in these and took these are all gone, and now nobody wants them.
Actually, lots of people do.
Objects have energy.
It's strange, but, well, our lives become lovely ephemera.
Too late to cry But I know you know that I know that I know That it's too late for wanting me, baby Hey.
- What's the matter? - No, it's I don't I don't feel anything.
My Can we just go? Can we just Can we just go? Okay.
Too late for tears.
I guess I'll just get her a T-shirt at the train station or something.
No, we can we can go to Burbank and, like, find her a special gift.
- It's okay.
- No, really, we can - We can go.
- Forget it.
We can head back.
You're obviously over it.
Can you please put your phone down - for like five minutes? - What do you want from me? I don't mean to be a bitch, but I used up my break to spend time with you.
I could have gone on a trip with my mom.
And instead, I'm staring at you looking at your phone all day.
And see? If I say anything, you just medicate.
And it's boring.
You're boring, Duke.
You are.
Just, like, I-I don't I don't know what to say.
What do you Like, what do you want me to say? I don't want you to say anything.
I just want you to have fun with me.
And be with me.
Can you just be with me, please? I don't know.
I just, like I don't I don't feel anything.
Not even my thing.
Like, not even, like, my sunshine.
And it's like, like, I don't, like, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
I just I hate my face.
I, like, I hate my body.
And it's like Like, I, like Like, I don't want to leave the house, and, like, I don't want to do anything.
And, like, I'm not good at anything.
Like, I Like, there's nothing else I do but that.
And it's like Like, I don't Like, I don't want to leave the house.
Like, I don't feel connected.
To, like, anything.
And I suck at My sisters.
My sisters are so fucking perfect.
And, like, they're good at everything they do, and they're so fucking beautiful.
And then it's just like I'm, like, next to them like nothing.
I'm nothing.
That's dumb.
You're beautiful.
Fuck you.
You're beautiful.
- No, I'm a fat shit.
- Shut up.
- It's just that - That's okay.
'Cause I love myself.
I'm good with myself.
I want that for you.
Do you remember this poem you wrote me? That's what you're good at.
Are you staring at my tits? They're right there.
Eye level.
Welcome to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
My name is LaMarr.
My pronouns are he/him.
My pronouns are fat and trans fat.
- Mom.
- I'm kidding.
I know it's no laughing matter.
My pronouns actually are - Mr.
Bob Dobalina.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
- Please continue.
- Thank you.
Today, you will be seeing the final resting places of actors, writers, stuntmen, grips.
Boom operators like my late father.
- Don't step on the - Stepped on the new guy.
- Oh, he's new? Ooh! - Brand-new.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Are we ready to begin our journey? Shall we? - Dedication, October 26, 1999.
- 1999.
Mama Irene! - I love the sunglasses.
- I love her shoes.
Oh, my God.
This is incredible.
He was a rock climber or? Look at all these movies.
He was in all these movies.
- Oh, whoa.
- Or he did all these movies.
So he was a stuntman.
See, that's what I don't get about the rest of them, though.
I wish they all, like, said what they did rather than just, like, "Here's a person.
Here's when they lived.
- "Here's when they died.
" - I mean, this is just a magnificent monument.
Abbondanza! "A man who is missed "by anyone that knew him.
"You've left us a lasting legacy, "and we miss you terribly every day.
You will always and forever be in our hearts and thoughts.
" Right here to our right - is Charles S.
Chaplin Jr.
- Oh! Over the archway, you can see Iron Eyes Cody, - one of our finest Italian actors.
- Oh! And right down here is Joan Hackett's shrine of reverence.
Take a look.
- Will you shut up? - Sorry.
I'm excited.
Lot of people that I really admire.
What a legend.
I mean, can you believe the kind of harassment she put up with at work? Who are you talking to? I went through all that shit, too.
Wait, where are you going? - I want to walk around.
- But the tour.
Just slowly I love you.
Slip away.
You ever think about, like Do you have any plans, like, maybe for what you want to do next year? Like, actual plans for the future? I'm so confused.
What are we talking about right now? Amen.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you very much.
I think I really messed you guys up.
Mom, I get it.
Make plans for the future.
Think about my life even though global warming's gonna kill us all anyway.
I totally understand.
Where to next? You want to go to Little Thailand or the gay section? Grandpa's grave.
What? Mom, come on.
- Come on.
- Geez there, then.
I don't feel like it.
One for you, one for me.
See? You can see yourself.
Let's go home.
Do it again.
- Yeah, it's like a - Like a squeaky toy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Please don't attack us.
- That was nice.
- Mm.
Mom, Jason's they/them.
What? They're not he/him.
They're they/them.
They are? Those are their pronouns.
Okay? And I'm not, like, mad about your dumb jokes in the circle earlier.
I still have a sense of humor.
And if you mess up in the future, I get it.
It's a process.
I know it's a lot for you to understand, but you should even though you're old.
All righty, them.
All righty, them.
That's a good joke.
I Sorry.
So, um, Jason's a they/them.
Not a they/them.
Just they/them.
So there's, like, more than one of him? I mean Sorry.
Them? It's a plural word.
They are a thousand strong.
They are legion.
It's okay.
There's a learning curve.
Hmm What? Are you anything in particular else called thing that you would like to tell me about? No.
Because, uh, I was just wondering, if-if one of you guys I mean Sorry.
Uh, what would I supposed to be calling you? Asshole! Why do you have to call us anything? I mean, why-why do things have to have labels and be genderized all the time? What does that even mean? What are we, all just a bunch of nouns walking around? I-I'm-I'm saying, I'm wondering, I have three daughters.
- What would I call you? - Well, a daughter is a girl.
They'd still be your child, though.
"My child.
" I would have two daughters and a child.
Like the 1820s.
"My child.
"My child is ill.
My child has typhoid fever.
" Pretty much.
So, what would the sisters call the FKA sister? Sibling.
I've always been the mom of three daughters.
Who would I be then? It's not about you, Mom.
Hey, Uncle Lester.
Here's to you.
Hi, babies.
Yep, okay.
Hello? - Guys - Is this your mom? Bro, this is really heavy.
Keep going.
Keep going, guys.
Keep going.
Up the stairs.
- Don't stop.
- Okay.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, you-you need to stop.
- Guys, just keep going up the stairs.
- No, no.
Not up the stairs.
- Don't stop.
- Stop! Stop, stop.
I No.
No, put that down.
I have to protect the art.
Yeah, bro, you got to protect the art, okay? Here, go in first.
- And freaking help me, okay? - No, no, no.
Stop now.
Set it down right now on the stairs.
Put it down on the stairs.
- Sit it down right now.
- I'm gonna drop this mattress.
- Okay.
- Oh! - Thank - Ooh.
Uh, Mrs.
Fox Oh, no, no, no, bro.
Okay, where do you want the mattress? Not my name.
I was gonna call you, but it's not my fault, because, like, the U-Haul changed location last minute and I-I had to go all the way to Canoga Park to get it, and then my phone died because, like, I had to use GPS the whole time.
I almost got lost in freaking Chatsworth.
So Okay, so should I assume that you're moving back home? Well, I don't have a choice.
I mean, it really sucks.
Like, I loved that apartment.
Okay, so, uh, where do you want the mattress? Just upstairs, to the left.
Um, no, actually, that's not your room anymore.
Your room is Duke's room, or FKA Duke's room.
- Seriously? - That's Yes.
Upstairs to the right.
Thank you, boys.
Yes, Ms.
Will you come with me? It's gonna be fine.
Ooh, look at your fucking tushy - in these pants.
- Mom.
This makes me feel like a failure.
I just, I-I need you to know I don't want to live here.
Okay, thank you.
No offense.
I just, like, I don't really have a choice right now.
I won't be here for that long.
For the lady.
- Who is this for? - For you.
You need it.
Take it.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
- How is that? - Mmm.
- Good.
- Yes.
- One for Mama.
- Mmm.
- It's good? - Good.
I want you to know that I know.
Know what? That this feels like going backward.
But it's not.
This is movement towards your future.
This is forward movement.
I swear to Frances Farmer.
What do you think about Frankie? What about Frankie? I was just wondering what you think.
They're fine.
- Mm.
What? - Frankie's good.
Welcome home for a little bit? Just a little.
I just want Mmm, mmm, uh.
All the salt.
Mmm, I love Mmm.

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