Better Things (2016) s05e08 Episode Script

Jesus Saves

1 I'd like all of you now to speak about Harold.
Talk about what he did for you.
How lucky you were to have him.
Uh, well, Uncle Harold was, uh, - my favorite uncle - Oh, look, honey, it's cousin Estelle.
You always loved her.
That looks like the woman who ate cousin Estelle.
- Nan.
- What? All the women are so fat on your father's side.
You girls better be careful.
Am I'm gonna get big like that, Mom? - No, no.
- Well, you got a little more on you than you need.
Phil! Okay, wow.
About the guys I fancy or didn't fancy This is Jewish Hollywood Squares.
About my heart and Hello? Everyone can see you.
Why are you calling to tell me that? Because you're so obvious - with the pointing and the gesturing.
- My God.
I can tell that you're screaming even though you're muted.
You're like all those other folks at the Hebrew Home for the Aged on this Zoom.
- No, I'm not.
- You're horrible.
, fuck Anatoly's mom.
Fuck Anatoly's mom.
You know, I just-I always felt respected, didn't I? You know what? No, Mom, Mom, - don't you dare.
- I just wanted to I want to say something nice about him.
Uncle Harold gave me my love of comics.
He told me, "You should make friends with the guy that works at the comic book store," so I did, and every week, he would put aside the comics that I collected.
I never missed an issue.
And one thing he said always hold on to your baseball cards.
I'm cool 'cause of him.
May his memory be a blessing.
May his memory be a blessing.
I have a share.
Hey, I have a share.
Sheket bevakasha.
- Hey! - Listen.
- This is Harold's nurse, Cherry.
- Hello.
- She's part of the family.
- Hi, everybody.
And she never borrowed any money, Brender.
God, I will miss you.
You know what, save a spot for me next to you up there, so you can rub my feet this time, and you can pull the blanket over my shoulder, and maybe I can pour you the happy hour rosé 'cause you were always trying to get me drunk.
Love forever, your Caribbean Queen, Cherry.
Hey! - She's simply awesome ♪ - Yes! - She dashed by me ♪ - Mom In painted-on jeans ♪ Come on, Phil.
Caribbean Queen ♪ Now we're sharing ♪ The same dream ♪ Look at cousin Eddy.
And our hearts they beat as one ♪ Everybody, booty, booty.
No more love on the run ♪ Come on, everybody.
- Come on! - Air sax.
Yes! Caribbean Queen ♪ Now we're sharing the same dream ♪ And our hearts they beat as one ♪ Hey, hey.
No more love on the run ♪ I'll see you on the other side, Harold.
I will see you again.
Hey! - Sit back.
The rabbi's here.
- Oh.
Chair, chair, chair.
Here, Nan.
- What floor? - I'm sorry? I can't hear you from down here.
British Consulate.
I think it's the 37th floor.
Exciting day of British business for me.
Sorry about the height crack.
I know, tall people are people, too.
Oh, no, you can fucking joke in front of me.
- It's all good.
- Excuse me.
Oh, pardon me, ma'am, because she uses the language in the show.
I-I overstepped.
I'm a fan.
I love Filthy Moms.
When-when you guys broke the sink while you were getting pounded in the gas station bathroom, I-I threw up from laughing.
That means the world to me.
Thank you.
- What show is that? - Nothing.
Filthy Moms What channel is that? Why didn't you ever tell me about your work? Don't worry about it.
I'll find it for you, Gran.
Oh, thank you, Duke.
- Thank you so much.
- Of course.
Not sure about the title.
- She's making a video.
- Do magic.
- We're sisters.
- You guys are getting - your citizenship today? - Yes, yes.
Me too.
I wish I had a sweater like that.
Oh, you could have mine, and I'll have your jacket.
Perfect! - Let's go to the bathroom and trade.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Are you planning to move to England then? Oh, no.
I just come to the consulate to pick up beautiful women.
Where's the "pip pip cheerio" - in your family? - Our daddy.
Sweet Daddy.
He was born in Dover, and he grew up sort of all over.
A lot of it was not happy, that much we knew.
But then, when he got sick, he said he wanted to be buried there.
And all these stories Oh, all the stories.
They-they-they came pouring out of him.
And when we went to Dover, we looked at each other and said, "We're home.
" I want to go to Dover.
What's Dover like? It's a shithole.
Okay, so do you see the crest above me? Look at your frame, right? - Whole Look at your frame.
- Sammy? D What? What? Of all the gin joints What are you doing here? I came to get my English citizenship.
Are you going there to work or to live? No, just for dual.
I do not renounce.
I do not renounce.
America and Britannia.
- Yes.
- Keep your voice down, Sam! God.
You remember my mom? Yeah, I remember your mom.
Hi, Mrs.
Remember me? I'm the sexy charmer who used to work with your daughter when her babies were babies.
Oh, God.
You never grab a lady's hand so harshly.
- Oh, Jesus.
- I apologize.
Abdul, I'm so sorry.
Oh, shit.
It's a Filthy Moms reunion.
My guy, what's good? Okay, so why are you getting - Well, my mom's from Londontown, right? - What? - So, I thought w-why not.
- Same.
The world is scary, you know.
I needed an escape hatch.
It's good to know we have another door.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Are we ready to follow the pony? What I want you to do is we're going to swear the oath of allegiance, all together.
So, will everyone rise, please.
I I Sam Fox swear by Almighty God I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty, Her Heirs and Successors, and fulfill my duties and obligations as a British citizen.
Well done.
Now I will hand out the certificates.
Yes! Thank you.
It's the guy.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Karen.
- Karen.
- That's kind of an intense name.
- Karen.
- Karen.
- It's unfortunate.
She's sticking with it.
- Winnie.
- Thank you.
- Jane.
- Thank you.
And, lastly, Sam.
- Thank you so much.
- Congratulations.
- That's my mum.
- Oh, hello, mum.
Very proud mum.
Everyone say something British.
Cheerio! Hello? Hello? Message from the management.
I will need all of your passports in one place so I can see them and touch them.
Please bring your passports to the kitchen right round.
I will see you there.
Thank you.
Duke, Frankie, we need your passports.
I hate the picture! I'm not giving it to you.
We can't go unless without your passport.
They won't let you in the country without it.
I threw it away.
- No, she didn't.
I'll - Ooh - Let me-let me talk to her.
- Thank you.
Touching, seeing.
Okay, honey, will you help me pack because you're good at it, and I'm not.
Oof Okay, it's fine.
It's totally fine.
It's just packing.
I'm just leaving the house, and everything that I need is definitely here, and I'm taking it there.
This is socks.
These kind of shirts.
Underwear, bras.
Okay, okay, okay.
Lens cloth.
Are here.
Chewy, you could get in the bag.
Um Okay.
It's just packing.
Ooh! Jackets.
Cashmere sweater.
I wear scarves abroad.
Yes, I do.
Mildred Krinkle, she goes in here.
Hand brace.
Hand brace.
Okay, it's fine.
It's just packing.
You gonna be my service dog? My blue blanket.
Oh, God.
Why is somebody here? No.
Jesus, you scared me.
I thought you were my mom.
I'm insane.
I just came to bring you and the girls some Barone's.
Are you kidding me? I haven't eaten anything today, I'm dying.
Dare I ask, are you done packing? Am I done packing? I have four suitcases out.
It doesn't matter if I'm packing for San Diego or Bulgaria.
Packing shpilkes is real.
Ooh How are you? My tribe is driving me crazy, but mama came for some tequila.
I got a surprise for you.
Guess who's in town? My little brother.
Oh, that's sweet.
Why is that a surprise for me? I-I told him that you were up to your eyeballs, - but he said he had to see you.
- Oh, God.
- No, no, no, not tonight.
- Yes, yes.
- No.
- He just wants to love on you a little bit, give you a hug.
Everybody, come down.
Aunty Lenny brought Barone's, people! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
So good.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
- Jesus loves the baby.
- Do you remember when you brought it for me, saved my life? Yeah, I remember.
Rearview mirror.
- That's Copeland.
- No.
- Copeland! - Don't get it.
Don't get it.
- Hi! - Hi! Look at that.
It's a party.
Oh, I'm gonna make more drinks.
- Oh, I will have a drink.
- Yes, yes.
The pet lesbians are here to take care of your pets.
Well, we're here to turn your pets into lesbians.
Oh, we are the Quantico of lesbianism for pets.
Well, I only deal with the dogs.
Look, I don't even want to hear about the other animals.
I told you I will handle the snake.
Oh, my Go I How many times do I have to ask you - not to even say the word? - She has - ophidiophobia.
- Like, why do you do that? Thank you.
That's very responsible, but I sent you an email with everything, and we're not leaving till tomorrow.
- I can't do this right now.
- Right.
I know, I know, I know, but we just need to see everything in person before you go.
- After Ruben, we do not take chances.
- Exactly.
- Who's Ruben? - Our friend Marcy's dog.
We were watching him while she was away, and she left one of his meds off the list Like, off the list, totally.
And he had a heart problem, and we couldn't reach her.
- She was in Mykonos.
- Mykonos.
And, anyway, we had to put Ruben down while Marcy was getting railed by Greek bartenders.
Fat cunt.
So, just a quick walk-through would make us feel so, so, so much better.
- So we don't kill your dog.
- Or the thing that starts with an S.
I asked you not to Like, but it's like, - It's like, I ask for things over - Okay, okay, listen.
- There's pizza in the kitchen.
- Like, we don't want to kill your dog.
- Go in there, go get pizza.
- Oh, all right.
- All right.
- Oh, you better have lot of shit bags.
Please, you have to leave soon, that's all I'm asking.
- Not even here.
- I'm having so much shpilkes Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
Little brother.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, it's been such a long time.
Sammy, you're a sight for sore eyes.
Is this a bad time? Well no.
Kind I mean, it's just that, you know, we're going overseas tomorrow, and none of us are packed, so, I mean Okay, so this is a fucking nightmare.
Okay, uh I'm sorry.
Lenny didn't tell me.
I'll get out of your hair.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want you to leave.
I want you to stay.
I want to kill you that it took you so long to come and visit us, even though I'm leaving now.
Well, I look forward to being killed.
Come down.
Lenny's brother Cope is here from the - mountains? - Yeah.
Hey, Cope.
Oh, my God.
Franklin Delano.
- What's going on, my bros? - Passport.
- You guys all packed? - I'm packed.
- Oh! - What are you doing here? - Passport.
- Oleksandr Rupeta.
- Hello.
How've you been? - Good.
Where's your passport? - Why are you hiding it? - I'm not.
Please shut up.
Hello? Family, this is my friend, Yancey.
- Mm.
- Holy Oh, my God.
Okay, Cope said that he was friends with you, but I am, like, I can't even believe this.
I love you.
I love you.
- Sam Fox.
- Thank Yes.
- Thank Oh.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Oh, my goodness, my goodness.
- Yeah - This is meant to be.
Honestly, - Hi.
Me meeting you is meant to be.
I have seen all of your work.
I am, like, O.
loving you from way back, girl.
Top ten, bitch Thank you very much.
My God, look at all this art.
You know, Balthazar Anderson says you can tell a lot about a person based on their art.
- Yeah.
- Can you tell me what these pieces mean to you? Well, you know, I l I really like these Thank you very much, but I actually I have to I have to pack.
I have a big, huge trip tomorrow, so There's pizza in the kitchen if you want some, though.
- Great.
- Hi.
I'm Max.
I-I, like, love your shoes.
Thank you.
They were in a couch I found by the side of the road.
What? Whoa.
- I know.
- That's so cool.
- I know.
- That's cool.
Hey, girlfriend! Get over here.
Oh, my God, this home is so beautiful.
That is Cope's on again, off again.
I am so sorry.
I did not know she was coming.
- I think she smelled my hair.
- Hair.
- She does that.
- Yeah.
And she milked you.
I'm Britney, bitch.
Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? No way.
I can't be in the same room with that thing! - Tressa! Tressa! - I got it, I got it.
Okay, breathe in and out.
She just needs a drink.
Maybe she should hold it.
Thank you, thank you, Yancey.
Yes, I'll just Yeah, I'll just take her.
Thank you so much.
I'll just Sun goes up and down.
- Oh, God, uh - Sun goes up and down.
Time to go home now, everybody.
Isn't Yancey funny? And I like that name.
Have we met? Sorry.
I'm Frankie.
I don't know that I've had the pleasure.
Who are you? What are you talking about? Max, I think I've seen you try on, like, 16 different personalities tonight.
What Max.
I'm sorry.
That was really harsh.
I You're all right.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- You're okay.
- No, no, it's okay.
I You're not wrong.
I do have, like, like, 16 different personalities, so I don't know who the fuck I am.
Do you want to come help me pack? I don't know what I'm doing, and you're really good at that shit, so - Oh.
- Ah.
I I think we should probably head out.
Have a beautiful journey.
See you down the road, Cope.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come here, you.
- Bye! - Uh-uh-uh.
Come here, you.
- Come here, you.
- Oh.
- You need to - Oh, I love you.
Relax, okay? Oh, my goodness! Look how tense you are.
- Okay.
- Hey, Sammy, you're wearing your shoulders up - as earrings, okay? - Okay.
You have to relax, - Sammy.
No, no.
- Okay.
- Really.
- Oh.
- Relax.
Okay? - Okay.
Thank you.
Let me just break up these garlic knots.
A little harder right there.
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
Very nice.
Thank you very much.
- Ah.
- You.
Miss Thang.
When are you gonna come to the church choir group? - Yeah - Okay, no, we need you.
She has such a great voice.
I have been asking her to join - for years now.
- Good night, Yancey.
- It's always a pleasure.
- Okay, you better be there.
I mean, we'll see.
No, you're gonna love it.
- You're coming.
- I'm really busy with my kids.
Lenny, it's run by a Black woman.
You don't say.
We do gospel numbers.
We even sing in Zulu and sign in Kenyan.
That means "love you.
" - Okay, come on.
- Bye.
- Same as American.
- Oh! Slave songs! We do slave songs! Oh, wow.
That sounds like a crazy choir.
Oh, I remember dat baby's braces.
Thank you.
I love you.
Good night.
- Oh.
- Slaves.
- Slave song.
- She doubled down - Baby - I really Welcome aboard.
- I'll check your tickets here.
- Oh, thank you.
Uh, seat 2B and 2C, Mr.
and Mrs.
Stand there.
Thank you.
- Welcome aboard.
- Hi.
- Have a good flight.
- I'm with them.
Oh, you are? - What are you No.
- Excuse me.
Uh, no, she's not supposed to be in that seat.
If you could just check her ticket.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Excuse me, madam.
Could I check your ticket, please? Of course.
- Thank you so much.
- Phil.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
You're in the wrong seat.
- Oh.
- You're actually in the wrong section.
- Oh.
- Just down the back.
She's your mother.
- She's your mother.
- She's your mother.
- Hi.
Welcome aboard.
- She's your mother.
- She's your mother! - She's your mother.
This row.
- I can't do it.
- Oh.
That's very nice.
Oh, lovely.
I'm trapped.
Yeah, that's right.
- Thank you.
- Uh, 's-scuse me.
I'm going over there.
Could you? Oops! It's a bit of a squeeze.
Oh, shit.
I'm s Are you ok Sorry about that.
- What's this thing? - That's mine.
You could just grab it off the seat, - that'd be great, buddy.
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 28769 - to London Heathrow.
- God.
- What? - Let me see your ticket.
I think you're sitting in my seat.
I most certainly am not.
I would never sit in a middle seat.
- Look.
- Phil.
There we are.
Oh, be careful.
Sorry, just one second to get settled.
Are you okay? - I s-saw you - Yeah, I'm fine.
Hit your head.
Here, Mom, read this.
This information stands between us and death.
Nobody ever reads these.
- I always do.
- Right.
It's very important.
- Thank you.
- Relax.
- Oh.
Now what? - It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Come on, look, look.
We have our own row.
That's it.
Come on.
Good boy.
Oh, nearly there now.
It's all right.
It's all right.
- Look.
- I want to move over! Want to sit? You're fine.
- What a good boy.
- Aw.
Hi! Are we going to behave ourselves?! No.
Are we gonna behave ourselves? Mom.
- It's a long flight.
- What did I do? He's be He's talk yelling at a child.
You don't like it? Oh.
- No! - Good boy.
Come on.
- Oh, no.
- That's it.
Come on.
Sit down.
Come on.
- Subtle.
- Come on.
- I want it, too.
- I want to play.
We have a little friend right here.
Boop-a-doo, ba-doop-doo.
- Ha.
- Jonah.
Come on.
- Duke.
- Stop.
Do you want to switch? Come sit next to Gran.
Please turn off all personal electronic devices - Duke.
- Mom, stop it.
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties with our in-air entertainment.
- As a reminder - Oh.
I mean Bad luck.
When do they start the bevs? - Part is very good.
- Is it? - Enjoy, madam.
There we go.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, would you like me to place your box in the overhead? - No.
Thank you.
- Nice try, though.
It's precious cargo.
Oh, it's very pretty.
Good day, passengers.
This is your captain speaking.
First, I would like to welcome everyone Sam? Drink? - Sam.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Do you think that's quite appropriate, Charlotte? Ma'am? "Jesus saves.
" It's a very controversial statement.
The phrase "Jesus saves" I mean, it's very assumptive.
- I was just getting a better look.
- Sorry.
She's presuming - we all love Jesus.
- Jesus.
I'm so sorry, madam.
A gift from my grandmother.
My apologies.
I forgot to take it off before my shift.
Must be more careful, mustn't we? For what it's worth, I love the original Jesus.
I'm a fan, Charlotte.
I don't trust white South Africans.
Can I see one of your grandmother's poems? Yes, baby.
'Scuse me.
Let me pick a special one for you ♪ Here you go, baby.
- Mom.
- It's okay.
- It's okay.
- Shh.
Calm down.
- Mummy.
- Just keep your eye on your drink.
You see? Just watch the drink and how it moves.
It's just air pockets.
That's all.
It's just air pockets.
- Oh.
- It's all right.
It'll pass.
It always does.
- Mummy.
- Bit of chop, folks.
Flight attendants, please be seated.
Do your little thing.
You'll see.
It doesn't work like that anymore, Nan.
It's gone.
I swear to God.
Whatever I had, I broke.
Whatever was special about me is gone.
Never gone.
Just changing.
Everything changes.
Everything moves ever forward.
One day, trash.
Next day, you're wearing diamond earrings.
Oh! That's enough! Control your child! I'm doing the best I can, sir.
- Oh.
- No! - I'm sorry.
I'm just - Aah! No! There is no need to apologize.
Been there, done that, bought the factory, mama.
This is a long flight.
Your child is keeping me awake! Um, bro, the child is not the issue here, okay? Did you hear the pilot? The flight attendants are seated.
Don't speak to me.
I'm not your bro.
This is ridiculous.
Utterly ridiculous.
Okay, could you just maybe chill and take it down a notch, okay? You don't need to be, like, so over-the-top.
This is a little much.
It's just a baby, okay? Who the fuck are you?! I know my rights! Don't tell me to bring it down! Mummy.
My name is George Carter.
I'm on Flight 28769 to London Heathrow.
And I would like you all to see what these people are doing! I have called the flight attendant 14 times, and nothing! Okay, Scottish Karen.
Ooh, Karen's mad.
My wife's name is Karen and that is so offensive! You are violating our rights! Oh, we made the movie.
Hi to you and your wife.
Okay, you know what I'm trying to do? I'm trying to un-genderize the word, okay? So it's not differentiated between man, woman, idiot, flower, Tootsie Pop, whatever you are.
You get ahold of yourself or I will duct-tape you to the fucking seat.
- Mm.
- Jesus does save.
Indominus nabiscos.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Uh-oh! To you both and to Dormin.
I really wish he could have come.
I miss him.
I do, too.
Thank you, guys, for this incredible opportunity.
I-I really needed the change.
- Really bad.
- Yeah.
Sometimes you got to shake the cocktail up.
It's our pleasure.
Oh, hello, Maxwell.
Hi, Mom.
Sam, how is it back in steerage? You're not hearing that? There is a psycho asshole back there.
It's insane.
- I'm not hearing a thing.
- No.
We would hate to disturb you.
There's no disturbance at all.
This is cute.
- Family time.
- Yeah.
- I got to drain the main vein.
- Okay.
These toilets are for first-class passengers only.
I completely understand.
But there is a really definite type of situation back in my section.
Can I just go Oh, I'm sorry.
Those are the rules.
Okay, Stove.
Did you see Bridesmaids? What is it with you people in first class? We're monsters.
Hmm! "Call me when you have no class!" - Cham! Boo! Bee! - Do it now, Hank.
- Jerk.
- That's it, Rodney.
I'm going to need you to return to your seat now.
All right.
Well, I'm so sorry to bother everyone.
In first class.
Enjoy your sublime seats.
- Oh, it's really nice.
- I'm so glad that everybody in first class belongs here.
I'll see you in Blighty, daughter! Good night, Detroit! Chill out, Stove! All right, I'm going.

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