Better Things (2016) s05e09 Episode Script


1 In spite of strife, I live my life and do right by sitting tight.
No, you didn't look at the No, get Nan.
All right.
Hey, Frankie.
Look at the camera.
Go next to Nan.
- Mrs.
Conover lived there.
- Who was she, Nan? Eileen Conover was what we called in those days "a theatrical.
" Like, a theater person? Roughly speaking, yes.
Like your grandfather.
And your mother.
And you.
A creative odd one who indulges in themselves.
That's me all over.
- Mom.
- What? What? I remember your stories about Mrs.
I never spoke to you about Eileen Conover.
Yes, you did.
You said that she ran a theater company and that you and your friends as kids would go over to her house and look at her erotic artwork.
What are you talking about? You Can anyone back me up on this? Excuse me, why don't you let me guide this tour? And allow me to be the last word on what did or did not happen in the 1940s.
Because as far as I can remember, - you weren't even born.
- Mm-hmm.
- Frankie.
- My God, your gran, she's legendary.
Everyone in the family talks about her.
Her koyach, the way her stubbornness drives people off a cliff.
I'm obsessed.
I mean, the stories I could tell you.
You don't even know the half of it.
Oh, well, you know, she was my inspiration when I moved to London all by myself years ago.
You didn't know anyone when you came to London? I mean, I started exploring.
I pushed myself.
I made friends with some serious artists.
Just like you.
Oh, no, I don't I don't know if I'm that serious.
Uh, come on, cousin.
I follow you.
Your photos are artful and gorgeous.
And they make you feel things.
I've shown them to my friends, and I really want to introduce you.
There's Fayza.
She's an activist and poet.
And there's Tirunesh, who's an environmental biologist - from Somalia.
- Wow.
And Jules, my flatmate, who's doing this, like, bedroom pop project right now.
You're all like a bunch of little Jason Bournes.
Yeah, well, Jules is moving to Australia, though.
- Oh.
- I'll have to find a sublease for her.
- Yeah, that sucks.
- Mm, not really.
I mean, she never flushes her shits.
And she keeps me up at night with her music.
Never live with a musician.
Try living with an actor.
Can you just walk next to me? Why are you walking ahead of me? - My heart rate is through the roof.
- Ugh.
Would you stop checking? You're making it worse.
I don't understand why we came here.
I have such shpilkes.
This is ridiculous.
Because Because I wanted to put my mother's ashes to rest here in London.
You encouraged me.
And then you invited your entire family and offered to pay for it, which is fine, but it changed the complexion of the entire trip.
So could you please just relax and get through it? And encourage your mother to move it along.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Come here.
Come on.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I couldn't control myself.
- I love you.
- And I love you.
- It's good.
It's good.
- Okay.
- Stop checking your heart rate.
- Hey.
I got to take a shit.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
Okay, well, let's go back to the pub.
Are you insane? My preference is to go back home to L.
and shit.
- We're not flying home.
- Shy of that, it'll be back at the hotel.
"Go to the pub.
" - Okay, fine.
- Come on.
Let's just Wait, I don't have to poop.
- Just come on.
- Stop.
My father, his name was Leland.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't even know him.
We never spoke as children.
I had one memory with him, which I've told to Frankie.
I only spoke to him twice.
- Well, you're exaggerating, right, Nan? - No.
No, you-you must have spoken to him more than that.
You lived in the same house as him.
What makes you think living in a house with a man requires you to speak to him? Oh, my God.
Yeah, good thing he wasn't your dad, though.
Don't be rude.
You sent some spit off to a lab in Arizona and suddenly fancy yourself as a private investigator.
Leland Darby was my father.
And your grandfather and these girls' great-grandfather.
Even if he was a horrible man.
And your Uncle Lester would have told you the same.
I miss my brother.
I need to speak to my brother.
Copy that.
Leland Darby was my granddad.
- Phil? - Mm? - What? - Phil.
You all right? Um, well He had buck teeth back then.
That's why we called him Benny the Beaver.
Ah, yes.
Fond memories.
We called you What was it? I haven't the faintest.
Phyllis the Clitoris.
And your brother Lester the Molester.
Oh, no, that's not So, Ben, can you tell us more about my mom as a girl? She doesn't give us much other than war rations and bomb shelter stories.
Careful, Benny.
Your words will be twisted.
I first got to know Phyllis in my years at Birkenhead Elementary.
She was very mouthy.
But also, very pretty.
- Aye.
- Aye! Did you ever get married, Ben? Who ended up hooking you? Phyllis, you remember Eileen Churbishley off Exmouth? She was a few years younger.
Yes, she walked with a limp.
- One leg shorter than the other.
- No.
Actually, that was childhood polio that did that.
We were married for 38 years.
Eileen died in '99.
This was hers, actually.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
But we love this pub, Ben.
Here's to Eileen.
Aye! Most tourists do.
We sell nostalgia here.
Like the monarchy.
Pining for a time passed.
Now, Phyllis's mother Shirley-Jane, she was a vocal critic - of the monarchy.
- Wow.
- And she was British? - Not British.
And we were always anti-monarchists.
I love the monarchy.
Windsor Castle.
Frogmore Cottage.
- Buckingham Palace.
- I never liked those hotels, and always thought those people that live there should not.
I used to get so angry because Elizabeth and her sister Margaret, they used to get these presents at Christmas, and it was publicized everywhere.
Now, why would they do that? Did it upset you because your family didn't have all that? Excuse me.
Where is my son? Why isn't Marion here? - He's indisposed.
- Indisposed? What does that mean? It means he had to stay at the hotel.
But why? Because he's busy.
What are you talking about? Why are you being so vague? Traveling does not agree with his stomach.
He's got the squirts.
Oh! That is so Marion.
Don't be vulgar, Sam.
- I'm sorry.
- And, Caroline, my distaste for the monarchy had nothing to do with growing up poor.
It was wrong.
I just thought it was wrong.
All these bunch of boring bastards being supported by English taxpayers.
All so white and Anglo-Saxon.
The French had it right with the royals.
Off with their heads.
SAM, PHYLLIS and BEN: Aye! I'll give you 20 quid if you chug Max's beer.
Are you serious? When I was your age, I used to drink my dad under the table.
What are we gonna tell her when she gets back? Oh, come on.
You're in London.
Yeah, all right, I was only joking.
You don't have to drink all of it.
Stop! What the fuck are you doing? I'll get you another one.
You just drank, like, all of my beer.
I thought the drinking age here was, like, 12.
Uh, no, love, it's 18.
You're thinking about the age of consent.
Okay, that was another joke.
Don't tell Mom.
She's a little bit burpy.
On Ainsworth Avenue, we were all terrified of Phyllis's mom.
She was tough.
Extremely direct.
Oh, you had to be back then.
Especially with that man.
Well, I'd rather not talk about him.
Yeah, Ben, we recently learned some dubious DNA information about our dearly departed, uh, grandfather.
That he wasn't really Phyllis's dad? - We all knew that.
- You see? I told you everyone knew.
There goes your big secret.
Do you feel silly now? We talked about it behind closed doors.
Like that bloke Ronan Farrow and Frank Sinatra.
Leland Darby looked nothing like Phil.
Not to mention it, but we also knew about Shirley-Jane Darby's How do I put it? Dalliances.
Did he just slut-shame our great-grandmother? Yes, he did.
Did you enjoy your beer? Breath.
Anyway, what does it matter? These people are all dead.
As we will be, too, shortly.
Do you blame your mum? All those years married to that man? Truth is, Shirley-Jane Darby was a woman before her time.
She worked.
And she was a poet.
And an artist of great renown.
She started painting when she was 50.
She practiced astrology and yoga in the 1920s in England.
She was a pioneer, my mum.
Gone but not forgotten.
If one person remembers you, you stay alive forever.
To Shirley-Jane Darby.
To Shirley-Jane Darby! You've had enough.
Exquisite agony, of body and mind.
The heritage of mankind.
Birth is but the gateway to death.
Be careful.
They drive crazy.
Look both way That's not funny, Ben.
No, you're right.
We had a tiny thing happen.
What? What? Chewy's in a cone.
Don't - Oh, no.
- Don't I saw something on Chewy's stomach.
It was, like, a piece of schmutz.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- So then we bought - Now he keeps licking at it.
- Right, he - There's a lot of licking - Show-show - Show her the cone.
- going on in this house.
He's right here.
He's fine.
"Hi, Mama.
Don't worry.
" Oh.
Are those, like, the ones that, like, fizz in your mouth, like Okay, and then how much are the ones with the What is rhubarb? Uh, it's a plant.
Okay, well, that's crazy.
- We're in London.
- Yeah.
Very nice, and Okay.
See you, Mark.
No, no, no.
She's nobody.
This is so These are so naughty.
They're so naughty.
You guys have Benny Hill.
We didn't have that.
I would hide them from Nan.
They're so dirty.
This store is the best.
Look, these are dirty postcards.
- These are, like, from my childhood.
- Wait.
Yeah, really bad.
What candy are you getting? You know, I had a back-alley abortion in the 1950s.
Um It was done at a friend of your grandfather's home.
He was a doctor.
On the dining room table, like this.
Why are you telling me this, Nan? Because I love you, darling.
That's why.
Oh, look at Wow.
Isn't that incredible? Yoo-hoo! There you are.
Look what I've just found.
- Oh.
- Isn't it just beautiful? It's a music box.
It's quite Jewish.
- I love the artwork.
- It is quite Jewish.
I'm going to buy it for you.
- What? For me? - Yes.
No, no, no, no.
That It's going to be a new family tradition.
We'll bring it out every year and play it.
Wait, what? Are you kidding me? I can't even get people to sit down for dinner.
Now you're foisting a whole family tradition on us? No, Phil.
It's not happening.
- Mom.
- Hi.
Do you mind if I go hang with some of Gabbie's friends? Just for a little bit? No, no.
- Have fun.
- Okay.
We'll meet back at the hotel, okay? - Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
You okay, Mom? What? Yeah.
- All right.
I love you.
- Okay.
- I'll see you later.
- Love you.
Portobello Road.
- She said yes.
- Oh, yay! Cheerio.
I just bought it for you.
- No, no, no.
- I had to.
- No, I don't want a tradition.
- I just N - I've already bought it.
- No.
How am I supposed to take that on the plane? - No, please.
- I told you I didn't want it.
It's got the most beautiful music that goes with it.
- I don't want the big thing.
- Why not? You would love it.
- No, 'cause you're making me take it.
- It doesn't weigh very much.
- I promise you.
Because I - No.
I'm going in the hat store.
Well I'm going to have it anyway.
I am going to have it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Good evening.
- No gang tonight? - No, and that is quite all right by me because I am sick of them.
You'd be surprised how often I hear that.
What can I get you? Um, a Pimm's Cup, please.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
Oh! Hello.
That's where you are.
Good, good, good.
With a shot of Jameson's.
- Hit my knee.
- Mm.
Don't help.
Thank you.
Oh, I'll have the same.
Did you just fart, or was that the chair? So, you and, uh, Benny.
What's the story there? What do you mean? Well, you know, he's been spending a lot of time with you.
I don't know what you're getting at.
He's an old friend from my youth.
Someone with a bit of shared history.
Yeah, but I'm just saying, do you guys, you know Oh, dear God.
Don't be vulgar, Sam.
- Come on.
- What? I mean, he takes the train from Liverpool to see you, just to be with you.
He's not a young dude.
I'm just saying.
Well, a man never runs after a stopped bus, my mother used to say.
And anyway, this is not what you think it is.
It's about companionship.
You are awful.
Stop it.
Uh, I think we should have another two or three.
You like some more? - Yeah.
- Course.
- You have any water? - Flat or sparkling? We like the free kind, - the tap.
- Sure.
- That's my mom.
- Yes.
She's my darling daughter.
- Mm.
- Well, sometimes.
- Quite dry.
- Yes.
- Parched.
- We've had quite a few, haven't we? Um, I-I'll have some water, too.
- Yep.
- But I'll have the sparkling.
Just five seconds.
Close my eyes.
I am so hungry.
I should've eaten that Scotch egg at the market today.
My head is spinning.
- I'll get you some crackers.
- Oof.
- Phil.
- Mm? Mom, let's take a picture.
We hardly have any good pictures on this trip together.
- Come here.
- Absolutely not.
- My hair.
- Come here.
Don't grab me.
I'm not the cat's litter.
One sec.
I love these stairs.
Just one.
- Cool.
Just stand still.
- I've told you many times, - I don't like a hand on my shoulder.
- I want one cool selfie! Sam?! Sam? - Oh.
- Jesus.
Ooh! And the flowers.
- Ow! - Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Let's just take it down a notch.
All right.
What, am I a clown to you? Oh, dear.
I wish I had a hot-water bottle - for your back.
- Okay.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Okay.
Go on, get undressed.
- I want to get your shirt off.
- No.
- Shh.
- No.
Can I get this off, as well? No.
I just want to get you into the bed.
Get off.
Why is it so freezing cold in here? I think I better get in bed with you - to warm you up.
- No.
- No.
- There we are.
- No.
- All those bedtimes with you as a baby, you were so difficult.
You were so colicky.
It never made sense why you were such an incessant crier.
- Ow! - What? - Don't.
- Maybe Maybe it was because I refused to take those thalidomides that they were handing out like candy to combat morning sickness.
Thank you.
I have arms because of you.
I just didn't trust those doctors.
I just had to get on with things.
That was my lot.
I had a runty little child that made me nauseous and cried a lot.
Oh, you were so difficult.
You're difficult.
- Hmm? - Phil.
- Hmm? - Phil, what did you do to me? I feel like you roofied me last night, like you-you violated me and crossed a line.
- What did you do? - Oh, stop being so dramatic.
Let's go.
Sit up.
Wake up.
Snap to.
It's a beautiful day out.
One last bit of shopping.
What? No.
We can't.
We told Caroline we were gonna put her mom's ashes in Battersea.
Mm, change of plans.
Nobody wants to go through a memorial for someone we never knew.
That's ridiculous.
What? No.
We promised her.
We can't go back on this.
Mom, honestly, like, Uncle Marion and Caroline, - they can do that themselves.
- What? Uh, no.
That's rude.
Also Ooh! We have something to tell you.
"We"? What? What? Wait.
What? What? Yes? I won't be returning with you to America.
Oh! Ow! Okay.
You're No.
That's You're crazy.
Right? And Max has something to say, too.
Um Okay.
I want to stay here, Mom.
And it's not a joke, so-so don't laugh or make fun of the idea, okay? Gabbie has a room available in her flat, and I want to do it.
Mom, I I just, I I have to make a change, and I'm-I'm excited to make this change.
I I really don't want to go back right now.
This feels bashert.
It's good, Mom.
Yay! Wait.
Really? What is What is happening? No.
We came here together as a family.
This is a This is a family trip.
You don't do half a trip.
It's a circle.
It's a nice circle.
There and back.
You have to complete the circle.
Mom, there's no fucking circle.
That-that doesn't exist.
That's just in your head.
Good morning! Hello, hello, hello, hello! - Good morning.
- Tallyho.
- Come in.
- Yes.
Thank you so much.
Sam's not ready.
Not even close.
Just Give me one minute, okay? I have a Give me a minute.
That minute is gone now.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Proud of you.
Look, she's got shoes on.
She - Uh-oh.
- Come here.
- What's happening? - Congratulations for liftoff of your throne.
I got you psyllium husk for binding.
Thank you.
That's hilarious.
Max, Phil, let's go downstairs, please, while Sam gets ready.
Thank you.
Okay, but take the husk.
You need it.
Thank you.
Because I'm just hanging on by a thread.
- Very thin.
- I know how your stomach is.
There's been a change of plans.
No, no, no, no, no.
No change of plans.
Caroline asked way in advance.
We've all agreed.
We're doing this now.
Let's go.
Your sister's not feeling very well, so we've decided to stay with her.
Not feel? She's hungover.
And I don't believe for a second you're gonna stay with her in the hotel.
The moment we leave, you're gone.
It's okay.
I-I can do this.
I can go to Battersea.
Just give me It's fine, Marion.
Phil is right.
We can do this on our own.
Uh Caroline.
I'm gonna need a glass of water and a spoon.
Please, stop.
Look, I had nothing to do with it.
Phil ambushed me.
Of course we can go to Battersea.
We can? We have your permission? Oh, thank you so much, Sam.
I am so grateful.
What would we do without you? I appreciate you giving us your permission.
Thank you, Sam, our boss.
I Okay.
Marion, I forgot my key.
What do you got in your hand? I'm saving a little bit of her for myself.
What? Oh, your is your mom good at cutting your hair? - Yeah, yeah, she's really good.
- Oh.
- Is yours not? - Well, she tried to cut my hair once, - and she gave me bangs.
- Max.
- What? - Can I have a word? - For the, um f-for some - Yeah.
Or-or roses.
But then, if I had a vegetable garden I'm just thinking that maybe, 'cause I love flowers, but I'm thinking I could grow vegetables.
I just want to bring you over here to talk to you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, do you know what happens to most 80-year-olds? Hmm? - Yes.
- And don't just nod.
No, seriously.
Do you? Okay, they can be really cantankerous and they get really cranky.
And they break down and they wear out and they get sick and they have accidents.
Honey, it's really, really hard.
Mom, I'm not gonna be living with her.
I'll be with Cousin Gabbie, she'll be with Ben, and I'll be close enough to Liverpool to keep an eye on her.
Mom, Nan didn't ask me to do this.
I want this.
And it's not forever, Mom.
I know what I'm getting myself into.
I want you to have my boots.
I give them to you.
They are yours.
I know you want.
Yeah, but kind of I just need 'em now 'cause we're still at the thing and Can I wear 'em for the rest of the night? But I will give them back to you when we bid each other adieu.
Come here.
Come here.
This is big.
This is forward movement.
This is upward forward movement.
This is, like, through the sky forward movement.
Oh, no I know.
But we're going to share it.
But, um - It's a very good spread.
- I Frankie.
- Oh, that's I didn't order that.
- No, it's fine.
- Sir, that's not - It's What do you mean? - No, because, yes - It's an elegant one.
- '76, though.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's not satisfying.
I Yeah.
Uh, yes.
I just wanted to take a moment and say, to the Darby-Corbyn-Fox- Lee-Smith-Hughes family, welcome, welcome, and thank you all for being on this adventure with us.
This family trip.
We are so fortunate to have all of us here together right now.
All of us together.
And We should eat.
It's getting cold.
Aye! Uh, I Just Yeah, um One more thing.
And, uh, Phil and Max, I just want to say good luck with your new lives here in England.
They won't be returning to the United States with us.
That is all.
Aye! Wait, Mom, sorry, what? It's totally fine, everyone.
Everything is totally fine.
If you have any questions, please don't ask me.
Phil and Max will be fielding all of them.
Again, do not come to me with any questions.
You'll have to ask them.
None of this was my idea.
Thank you all.
Um Good night, London.
Good night, Detroit.
- Oh, yes.
- Good night, Detroit.
Wait, Nan, why are - What, what? - N-No, but Oh, darling.
Exactly, it comes She knows.
You know.
You know, too.
- Okay.
- Frankie.
Well, don't - Um - Like, shut down.
How you doing? Yeah, no, it's great.
Sounds great.
I didn't actually know that, um, your mom was going to tell you in this way.
Please don't be mad at me.
This wasn't my idea.
Mad? Are you kidding me? This is incredible.
Our mother is no longer in our jurisdiction.
She's going to be in European airspace.
Greenwich Mean Time.
We don't have to worry about her anymore.
She doesn't live in America.
So that's it, then? Just get her out of your hair? No, not all.
This is good for her.
This could add years to her life.
A change like this is a chosen change.
Most people get old, you stick 'em in a home, throw a thin blanket over their legs, point 'em towards the sun, they're dead in three fucking days.
No, this is what Phil wants.
This is a masterstroke.
And all those years, you said you wanted to put her in a home.
Yes, and I was wrong.
Is that what you want to hear? Actually, yeah, say it again.
That's my favorite.
You know, I'm not worried about her.
Be honest, I'm much more worried about you.
- What are you going to do? - What do you mean? Without your plus-one, your significant other.
Your mom-boyfriend, Phil.
That's kind of true.
That woman takes up a lot more of your life than you realize.
And now with Max gone, too, soon Frankie, then Duke Then what? Freedom? Uh-huh.
Whatever you say.
Just don't come knocking on our door every afternoon with some chicken dish, saying "Yoo-hoo.
Anybody hungry? Ha!" "Ha!" You're a lot more like Phyllis than you think.
Now is the hour ♪ - When we must say goodbye ♪ - Wh-What? Soon you'll be sailing ♪ Far across the sea ♪ While you're away ♪ Oh, please remember me ♪ When you return ♪ You'll find me waiting ♪ Here ♪ I'll dream of you ♪ If you will dream of me ♪ Each hour I'll miss you ♪ Here across the sea ♪ It's not goodbye ♪ It's just a sweet adieu ♪ Soon I'll come sailing ♪ Across the seas ♪ To you ♪ While I'm away ♪ Oh, please remember me ♪ When you return ♪ You'll find me ♪ Waiting ♪ Here.
♪ - Thank you.
- Lovely.
It's his playing.
- Phil! - Bravo, brava! Flight D6553 is now delayed.
Please, can all passengers report to desk 12? Please don't leave your bags unattended.
Any unattended bags will be taken and subject to a security search.
Attention, Sydney-bound passengers.
We have a completely full flight.
I would like to remind you that all carry-on luggage is limited to one personal item and one carry-on item.
Flight D7183 to Amsterdam is now leaving from Gate 18.

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