Bewitched (1964) s08e07 Episode Script
The Ghost Who Made a Spectre of Himself
Hi.
This is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
Boy, will I be glad to get home.
The next time Larry offers you a vacation with a little business on the side, we'll know what he really means is a "little" vacation.
But I do feel a little guilty about dumping that Regal Silverware account in Larry's lap.
If it's in Larry's lap, what's it doing in your mind? And [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
And that's probably Larry.
Oh, he doesn't have the nerve.
[.]
Or does he? He does.
Look what just flew in.
Oh! Surprise! [ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING.]
Fellow travelers, have I got terrific news for you.
We're all going to spend the weekend with nobility as guests of the Duke of Whitset at his castle.
Uh, Larry, you must be joking.
Yesterday, we agreed that Sam and I would fly home this afternoon and you would stay over to handle the Regal Silverware account.
Well, that was yesterday.
We can't keep living in the past.
Besides, Louise just arrived.
Oh, but Larry, if their plans are all set Louise, just stay out of this.
You don't get an invitation to a castle every day in the week, you know.
But we're all packed and ready to go.
Just hear me out, then you can tell me what you think.
We'll spend a nice, quiet, restful weekend with the Duke, then on Monday, you and I can meet with Regal Silverware.
But we won't be here Monday.
Of course you will, if you spend a weekend at the castle.
Do you get the logic? No, but I get the idea.
Apparently, we're going to spend the weekend at the castle.
[.]
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
We conclude our tour of Whitset Castle with a look at some of our ancestral portraits.
Not too well lit down here, you'll notice.
And that's no accident.
Like any other family, we have our black sheep.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
This is Harry, the Eighth Duke of Whitset.
Quite a ladies' man, Harry.
He was killed in mortal combat by a jealous husband.
Aha.
Heh.
[LAUGHS.]
The lady in question was the Duchess of Windermere, whose portrait you saw in the library.
Oh, the pretty one.
It's my theory that Harry's our ghost.
LOUISE: There's a ghost here? One of the most active in the land.
[.]
MAID: Excuse me, Your Grace.
But Cook would like to speak to you, if she may.
I'll be there directly.
DUKE: Can't keep Cook waiting, you know.
She's the real lord of the manor.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Excuse me.
Certainly.
Do you really think there's a ghost here? Well, uh, l-let me put it this way.
I h I have a feeling there is.
[GHOSTLY WAIL.]
[WAILING.]
[WAILING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE.]
What's that? The ghost, probably.
Don't be ridiculous.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Larry.
Larry.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Do you think that's gonna go on all night? I certainly hope not.
Well, I'm not very sleepy.
I think I'll go to the library and try and find something to read.
Okay.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
[WAILING.]
Excuse me? [WAILING.]
Boo! Aah! Uh, would you mind holding it down a bit? You're disturbing everybody's sleep.
That's what I'm supposed to do, and you are supposed to be frightened.
I usually terrify the average mortal.
Well, I'm not your average mortal.
I'm a witch.
A witch? Ha-ha.
You've got to be joking.
Uh, a lot of people think there's no such thing as a ghost.
Yes, but they're quite wrong.
So are you.
Turn around.
Now watch this.
[.]
[GASPS.]
You frightened me half to death.
How could I when you're already? Yes, you're quite right.
So you are a witch.
And a very cute little witch, I might add.
Oh, ha-ha.
Thank you.
Maybe you and I could have a little fun? Forget it.
Oh.
I've been haunting for such a long time, ducky.
It's awfully lonely always to be heard and never seen, always to see and never to touch.
[.]
Sorry.
Your trouble is that you're just a little transparent.
So are your motives.
Well, now, ducky.
We ghosts have our ways, you know.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm sure you do.
So why don't you go out and drum up a nice lady ghost, and let everybody get some sleep? I've got a much better idea than that, ducky.
[.]
How about a little good night kiss? [MUFFLED GRUNTING.]
Ugh! Blah! Is that any way to treat a dear, beloved husband? Yes, especially when you're not my dear, beloved husband.
Now, what is that supposed to mean? It means you're wasting your time.
I can still see through you.
[GHOST'S VOICE.]
Couldn't fool you, could I, ducky? I will give you to the count of three to get out of my husband's body.
Or what? Or I'll zap you out of existence.
Oh, now remember this, ducky.
As long as I'm in your husband's body, whatever you do to me, you do to him.
[GROANS.]
And now pucker up and give us another little kiss, ducky.
No! You stay away from me or I'll scream.
Oh? Uh, like this? [WAILING.]
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Well, that's certainly a ghost with a lot of spirit.
Louise, you're not at your best when you try humor.
It's no use, ducky.
No matter what you do, you can't get away from me.
That's what you think.
[CHUCKLING.]
[.]
Ducky? Ducky? Ducky? Ducky, now where did you go? Ducky? Ducky? What's going on? [AS DARRIN.]
Uh, I'm looking for my wife.
Is something wrong? Oh, there you are.
Samantha, is everything all right? Oh, sure.
Darrin and I just had a little misunderstanding, but it's all right now.
I knew you couldn't stay mad at me.
Uh, sorry if we disturbed you.
Uh, good night.
[.]
Will you do me a favor and get lost? Never.
Don't you get the picture? Or does a castle have to fall on you? Because I can arrange that, you know.
Go ahead.
You can't do me any harm.
I'm already a ghost.
What does he mean he's already a ghost? Well, I guess he means if Samantha doesn't love him, he might as well be a ghost.
I wish I knew what the problem was.
The problem is they're married.
Oh.
What's the use? [SIGHS.]
DARRIN: Let me in.
Not until you decide to behave like a human being if you know what I mean.
It's none of our business.
Oh! [.]
Go away.
Samantha, it's me.
Can I help? [GROANS.]
No, everything's fine.
See? Let's go back to bed.
Are you sure? Can't you see? Everything is fine.
Do you mind? Samantha, there are times when it's foolish to try to keep up appearances, especially with old friends.
You're going to spend the night with me.
Yes, but what about And you can spend the night with this This heel.
I'm not a heel.
I'm a Thank you, Louise.
And when you decide to be yourself, just let me know.
[.]
What'd you do to get her so upset? I just asked her for a little kiss.
Look, Darrin, if you don't wanna talk about it, just say so.
[WAILS.]
You know, that stupid ghost sounds like it's right here in this room.
That ghost is not stupid.
Okay, if you say so.
[.]
[GHOST WAILING IN DISTANCE.]
Sounds like that ghost is never going to give up.
Please, don't say that.
[.]
[.]
Well, I didn't sleep too badly after the ghost settled down, but you kept tossing.
I was worried about where the ghost had settled.
What? [SIGHS.]
Maybe I better go check on Darrin.
Samantha, that is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Make him come to you.
Here they come now.
Remember, play it cool.
And you make him apologize, you hear? Morning.
Louise.
Morning.
Morning, Larry.
Morning, Sam.
Good morning Darrin.
Good morning ducky.
I'm not speaking to you.
Now, wait a minute, Samantha.
Darrin's very upset about what happened last night.
He wants to kiss and make up.
Don't you? I sure do.
Well, I don't.
Samantha, Darrin is apologizing.
Darrin is not apologizing.
The acoustics in here are very peculiar.
I could have sworn I heard him apologize.
There's only one way he can make up with me.
And he knows what it is.
I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to give up the ghost.
What are you two talking about? Oh, Larry, stop prying.
I'm sorry.
I forgot.
You're in charge of that.
DUKE: Good morning, everybody.
ALL: Good morning, Duke.
We should be serving the hunt breakfast at 11:00 promptly.
Well, I trust that you heard the ghost last night? We certainly did.
I'm delighted the ghost was in such good form.
Terribly temperamental, you know.
Ha-ha.
Sometimes, we don't hear from the old boy for days.
Did it ever occur to you that the old boy might be tired? Tired? [LAUGHS.]
Tired? A ghost? Oh, that's very good.
I don't think a ghost ever gets tired, my dear fellow.
[GHOST'S VOICE.]
Now how would you know? Well, I suppose you're entitled to your own opinion.
Excuse me, Your Grace, but Cook isn't at all happy with the marketing you did.
Holy terror, that woman, you know.
Excuse me.
[.]
What's the matter with you? Why'd you get so uptight about such a dumb thing as a ghost? Because that's the way I felt.
And for your information, a ghost is not a dumb thing.
[MUMBLES.]
Why do you sound funny? Funny? Yeah, where'd you pick up that fake English accent? This is not a fake accent.
Darrin, calm down.
And I'm tired of you telling me what to do.
[.]
Uh, maybe I better go after him.
LOUISE: Sit still, Samantha.
The worst thing you could do is chase after him.
Now, you let me talk to him.
Now wait a minute, Louise.
I don't think No, Samantha, let her handle it.
Well, he's in a very ugly mood.
Well, when it comes to handling ugly moods, Louise is a specialist.
She's been handling mine for years.
[.]
Darrin, may I talk to you? Why not? Sit down, ducky.
You not only don't act like yourself, you don't sound like yourself.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[AS DARRIN.]
Sorry about that.
I got carried away with the atmosphere.
What on Earth has gotten into you? Nothing.
On Earth, that is.
Well, I feel awful.
Samantha's not only my best friend, but, well, she's one of the sweetest women I've ever known.
You're pretty sweet yourself.
Oh.
Darrin, I'm serious.
What makes you think I'm not? [.]
I just hope he doesn't say anything to offend her.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Louise has a pretty tough hide.
Uh-huh.
[.]
Well? Samantha, you're right.
He's not himself.
Why? What did he do? Well, I was having a talk with him, trying to make him realize how unfair he was being to you.
And then, all of a sudden Yeah? I can't even talk about it.
Louise, you'd better tell us, because if you don't, we'll start imagining something ridiculous, like he was making a pass at you.
And why is that so ridiculous? Well, because you're old enough to be Darrin's Don't say it.
Why not? Sister.
Well, uh, Louise, I'm sure you misunderstood, but, uh, I think maybe I better go and talk to him anyway.
[.]
What did he actually say? Well He asked me to go to the gardener's cottage with him.
What for? What do you think? Oh.
It's obvious he's having a nervous breakdown.
You can joke about it, but I've never been so insulted in my life.
Now, what do you intend to do about it? Well, what do you expect me to do? Punch him in the nose? Yes.
[.]
Come on.
You might as well get out of Darrin's body right now.
You're going to have to do it when we leave tomorrow anyway.
[GHOST'S VOICE.]
I may, and I may not.
I see.
Well, there's just one way to get you off my back.
What's that? What you need is a real, live lady ghost, if you'll excuse the expression.
You don't really deserve this, but, uh Lady Windermere, right? GHOST: Right.
[.]
Who are you? And you? It's me.
Harry, you old devil.
Thank you for the promotion.
What a pleasure it is to see you, ducky.
But darling, why are you wearing all those silly chains? Oh, well, they have to do with my haunting.
Well, you won't be needing them anymore.
Right, ducky.
What's going on? Were you aware that the Duchess and I are old friends? Uh I knew it was her husband who made a ghost out of you.
Sam, who are these people, and how come I can see through them? What a pleasure it's going to be to have some company, especially on those cold winter nights.
Come, ducky.
Sam, what is it? W-What's this all about? It's a long story.
[WHISPERS.]
And, uh, we haven't time for long stories.
Well? Go on.
[.]
Darrin, this isn't something I want to do, but, uh, I'm afraid I can't avoid it.
Uh, what? In order to keep peace in the family, I'm going to have to rap you in the mouth.
The hunt breakfast is now being served.
But, uh, it can wait until after we eat.
Shall we go in? [DUCHESS GIGGLING.]
HARRY: You're a very graceful Duchess.
DUCHESS [LAUGHING.]
: Oh, Harry! GHOST: Oh.
[DUCHESS GIGGLING.]
By Jove! I think we've got two ghosts now.
Well, I'm starving.
How about you? Shall we go in to breakfast? [.]
Louise? Darrin, you really are a heel.
What? Larry, are you just gonna stand there? No.
Darrin, we might as well have this out right here and now.
DARRIN: What did I do? SAMANTHA: Oh, dear.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, do you mind? We'll be in in a minute.
[WHISPERING.]
Well, what happened was, when I came into this library last night, I met that ghost and he was such a pest.
Well, now, just go along with anything I say because I have a plan.
We have to make Louise happy because she thinks that you tried to make a pass at her in the garden, and you know how [.]
Come along, everybody.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Your Grace.
I'm afraid the soufflé's fallen.
Fallen? Dear, dear.
You see, the kitchen is in another building, and I'm afraid that the soufflé took a chill as it was being carried across the drawbridge.
I'll see if Cook has prepared a substitute one.
In the meantime, please carry on with the kidney pie.
Thank you.
Come along.
[.]
Well, what was all that about? The soufflé fell, and you're next.
When we get home, I'm gonna dig up a good psychiatrist for you.
Well, it looks as if Larry got the message.
What message? Uh, these past few weeks were supposed to be a vacation with a little work on the side.
Well, you turned it into a little vacation with a lot of work on the side.
And poor Darrin, he's been under a terrible strain.
You may not believe this, but he's near the breaking point.
Oh, I believe it.
I believe it.
After his behavior, so do I.
Oh, no.
Uh, you don't understand.
Uh, Darrin just wanted to show Larry what would happen if he didn't take some of the pressure off.
Well, it worked.
I told you he was cracking up, didn't I? Do you understand, Louise? Oh, perfectly.
What you're all saying is that unless somebody's out of his mind he couldn't possibly be interested in me.
Oh, no.
No, you don't understand.
You see, Darrin thought that if he paid attention to you Larry would realize that a nervous breakdown would be the only thing that would cause him to jeopardize our friendship, let alone their business relationship, because that's how we all got together in the first place, which should prove to you that Darrin would never dream of saying anything to offend you, right, sweetheart? Right.
What did you say? It doesn't matter what she said.
It was a compliment.
It was? Eat your kidneys.
I'll explain it to you later.
[.]
[.]
This is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[.]
Boy, will I be glad to get home.
The next time Larry offers you a vacation with a little business on the side, we'll know what he really means is a "little" vacation.
But I do feel a little guilty about dumping that Regal Silverware account in Larry's lap.
If it's in Larry's lap, what's it doing in your mind? And [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
And that's probably Larry.
Oh, he doesn't have the nerve.
[.]
Or does he? He does.
Look what just flew in.
Oh! Surprise! [ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING.]
Fellow travelers, have I got terrific news for you.
We're all going to spend the weekend with nobility as guests of the Duke of Whitset at his castle.
Uh, Larry, you must be joking.
Yesterday, we agreed that Sam and I would fly home this afternoon and you would stay over to handle the Regal Silverware account.
Well, that was yesterday.
We can't keep living in the past.
Besides, Louise just arrived.
Oh, but Larry, if their plans are all set Louise, just stay out of this.
You don't get an invitation to a castle every day in the week, you know.
But we're all packed and ready to go.
Just hear me out, then you can tell me what you think.
We'll spend a nice, quiet, restful weekend with the Duke, then on Monday, you and I can meet with Regal Silverware.
But we won't be here Monday.
Of course you will, if you spend a weekend at the castle.
Do you get the logic? No, but I get the idea.
Apparently, we're going to spend the weekend at the castle.
[.]
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
We conclude our tour of Whitset Castle with a look at some of our ancestral portraits.
Not too well lit down here, you'll notice.
And that's no accident.
Like any other family, we have our black sheep.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
This is Harry, the Eighth Duke of Whitset.
Quite a ladies' man, Harry.
He was killed in mortal combat by a jealous husband.
Aha.
Heh.
[LAUGHS.]
The lady in question was the Duchess of Windermere, whose portrait you saw in the library.
Oh, the pretty one.
It's my theory that Harry's our ghost.
LOUISE: There's a ghost here? One of the most active in the land.
[.]
MAID: Excuse me, Your Grace.
But Cook would like to speak to you, if she may.
I'll be there directly.
DUKE: Can't keep Cook waiting, you know.
She's the real lord of the manor.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Excuse me.
Certainly.
Do you really think there's a ghost here? Well, uh, l-let me put it this way.
I h I have a feeling there is.
[GHOSTLY WAIL.]
[WAILING.]
[WAILING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE.]
What's that? The ghost, probably.
Don't be ridiculous.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Larry.
Larry.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Do you think that's gonna go on all night? I certainly hope not.
Well, I'm not very sleepy.
I think I'll go to the library and try and find something to read.
Okay.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
[WAILING.]
Excuse me? [WAILING.]
Boo! Aah! Uh, would you mind holding it down a bit? You're disturbing everybody's sleep.
That's what I'm supposed to do, and you are supposed to be frightened.
I usually terrify the average mortal.
Well, I'm not your average mortal.
I'm a witch.
A witch? Ha-ha.
You've got to be joking.
Uh, a lot of people think there's no such thing as a ghost.
Yes, but they're quite wrong.
So are you.
Turn around.
Now watch this.
[.]
[GASPS.]
You frightened me half to death.
How could I when you're already? Yes, you're quite right.
So you are a witch.
And a very cute little witch, I might add.
Oh, ha-ha.
Thank you.
Maybe you and I could have a little fun? Forget it.
Oh.
I've been haunting for such a long time, ducky.
It's awfully lonely always to be heard and never seen, always to see and never to touch.
[.]
Sorry.
Your trouble is that you're just a little transparent.
So are your motives.
Well, now, ducky.
We ghosts have our ways, you know.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm sure you do.
So why don't you go out and drum up a nice lady ghost, and let everybody get some sleep? I've got a much better idea than that, ducky.
[.]
How about a little good night kiss? [MUFFLED GRUNTING.]
Ugh! Blah! Is that any way to treat a dear, beloved husband? Yes, especially when you're not my dear, beloved husband.
Now, what is that supposed to mean? It means you're wasting your time.
I can still see through you.
[GHOST'S VOICE.]
Couldn't fool you, could I, ducky? I will give you to the count of three to get out of my husband's body.
Or what? Or I'll zap you out of existence.
Oh, now remember this, ducky.
As long as I'm in your husband's body, whatever you do to me, you do to him.
[GROANS.]
And now pucker up and give us another little kiss, ducky.
No! You stay away from me or I'll scream.
Oh? Uh, like this? [WAILING.]
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Well, that's certainly a ghost with a lot of spirit.
Louise, you're not at your best when you try humor.
It's no use, ducky.
No matter what you do, you can't get away from me.
That's what you think.
[CHUCKLING.]
[.]
Ducky? Ducky? Ducky? Ducky, now where did you go? Ducky? Ducky? What's going on? [AS DARRIN.]
Uh, I'm looking for my wife.
Is something wrong? Oh, there you are.
Samantha, is everything all right? Oh, sure.
Darrin and I just had a little misunderstanding, but it's all right now.
I knew you couldn't stay mad at me.
Uh, sorry if we disturbed you.
Uh, good night.
[.]
Will you do me a favor and get lost? Never.
Don't you get the picture? Or does a castle have to fall on you? Because I can arrange that, you know.
Go ahead.
You can't do me any harm.
I'm already a ghost.
What does he mean he's already a ghost? Well, I guess he means if Samantha doesn't love him, he might as well be a ghost.
I wish I knew what the problem was.
The problem is they're married.
Oh.
What's the use? [SIGHS.]
DARRIN: Let me in.
Not until you decide to behave like a human being if you know what I mean.
It's none of our business.
Oh! [.]
Go away.
Samantha, it's me.
Can I help? [GROANS.]
No, everything's fine.
See? Let's go back to bed.
Are you sure? Can't you see? Everything is fine.
Do you mind? Samantha, there are times when it's foolish to try to keep up appearances, especially with old friends.
You're going to spend the night with me.
Yes, but what about And you can spend the night with this This heel.
I'm not a heel.
I'm a Thank you, Louise.
And when you decide to be yourself, just let me know.
[.]
What'd you do to get her so upset? I just asked her for a little kiss.
Look, Darrin, if you don't wanna talk about it, just say so.
[WAILS.]
You know, that stupid ghost sounds like it's right here in this room.
That ghost is not stupid.
Okay, if you say so.
[.]
[GHOST WAILING IN DISTANCE.]
Sounds like that ghost is never going to give up.
Please, don't say that.
[.]
[.]
Well, I didn't sleep too badly after the ghost settled down, but you kept tossing.
I was worried about where the ghost had settled.
What? [SIGHS.]
Maybe I better go check on Darrin.
Samantha, that is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Make him come to you.
Here they come now.
Remember, play it cool.
And you make him apologize, you hear? Morning.
Louise.
Morning.
Morning, Larry.
Morning, Sam.
Good morning Darrin.
Good morning ducky.
I'm not speaking to you.
Now, wait a minute, Samantha.
Darrin's very upset about what happened last night.
He wants to kiss and make up.
Don't you? I sure do.
Well, I don't.
Samantha, Darrin is apologizing.
Darrin is not apologizing.
The acoustics in here are very peculiar.
I could have sworn I heard him apologize.
There's only one way he can make up with me.
And he knows what it is.
I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to give up the ghost.
What are you two talking about? Oh, Larry, stop prying.
I'm sorry.
I forgot.
You're in charge of that.
DUKE: Good morning, everybody.
ALL: Good morning, Duke.
We should be serving the hunt breakfast at 11:00 promptly.
Well, I trust that you heard the ghost last night? We certainly did.
I'm delighted the ghost was in such good form.
Terribly temperamental, you know.
Ha-ha.
Sometimes, we don't hear from the old boy for days.
Did it ever occur to you that the old boy might be tired? Tired? [LAUGHS.]
Tired? A ghost? Oh, that's very good.
I don't think a ghost ever gets tired, my dear fellow.
[GHOST'S VOICE.]
Now how would you know? Well, I suppose you're entitled to your own opinion.
Excuse me, Your Grace, but Cook isn't at all happy with the marketing you did.
Holy terror, that woman, you know.
Excuse me.
[.]
What's the matter with you? Why'd you get so uptight about such a dumb thing as a ghost? Because that's the way I felt.
And for your information, a ghost is not a dumb thing.
[MUMBLES.]
Why do you sound funny? Funny? Yeah, where'd you pick up that fake English accent? This is not a fake accent.
Darrin, calm down.
And I'm tired of you telling me what to do.
[.]
Uh, maybe I better go after him.
LOUISE: Sit still, Samantha.
The worst thing you could do is chase after him.
Now, you let me talk to him.
Now wait a minute, Louise.
I don't think No, Samantha, let her handle it.
Well, he's in a very ugly mood.
Well, when it comes to handling ugly moods, Louise is a specialist.
She's been handling mine for years.
[.]
Darrin, may I talk to you? Why not? Sit down, ducky.
You not only don't act like yourself, you don't sound like yourself.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[AS DARRIN.]
Sorry about that.
I got carried away with the atmosphere.
What on Earth has gotten into you? Nothing.
On Earth, that is.
Well, I feel awful.
Samantha's not only my best friend, but, well, she's one of the sweetest women I've ever known.
You're pretty sweet yourself.
Oh.
Darrin, I'm serious.
What makes you think I'm not? [.]
I just hope he doesn't say anything to offend her.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Louise has a pretty tough hide.
Uh-huh.
[.]
Well? Samantha, you're right.
He's not himself.
Why? What did he do? Well, I was having a talk with him, trying to make him realize how unfair he was being to you.
And then, all of a sudden Yeah? I can't even talk about it.
Louise, you'd better tell us, because if you don't, we'll start imagining something ridiculous, like he was making a pass at you.
And why is that so ridiculous? Well, because you're old enough to be Darrin's Don't say it.
Why not? Sister.
Well, uh, Louise, I'm sure you misunderstood, but, uh, I think maybe I better go and talk to him anyway.
[.]
What did he actually say? Well He asked me to go to the gardener's cottage with him.
What for? What do you think? Oh.
It's obvious he's having a nervous breakdown.
You can joke about it, but I've never been so insulted in my life.
Now, what do you intend to do about it? Well, what do you expect me to do? Punch him in the nose? Yes.
[.]
Come on.
You might as well get out of Darrin's body right now.
You're going to have to do it when we leave tomorrow anyway.
[GHOST'S VOICE.]
I may, and I may not.
I see.
Well, there's just one way to get you off my back.
What's that? What you need is a real, live lady ghost, if you'll excuse the expression.
You don't really deserve this, but, uh Lady Windermere, right? GHOST: Right.
[.]
Who are you? And you? It's me.
Harry, you old devil.
Thank you for the promotion.
What a pleasure it is to see you, ducky.
But darling, why are you wearing all those silly chains? Oh, well, they have to do with my haunting.
Well, you won't be needing them anymore.
Right, ducky.
What's going on? Were you aware that the Duchess and I are old friends? Uh I knew it was her husband who made a ghost out of you.
Sam, who are these people, and how come I can see through them? What a pleasure it's going to be to have some company, especially on those cold winter nights.
Come, ducky.
Sam, what is it? W-What's this all about? It's a long story.
[WHISPERS.]
And, uh, we haven't time for long stories.
Well? Go on.
[.]
Darrin, this isn't something I want to do, but, uh, I'm afraid I can't avoid it.
Uh, what? In order to keep peace in the family, I'm going to have to rap you in the mouth.
The hunt breakfast is now being served.
But, uh, it can wait until after we eat.
Shall we go in? [DUCHESS GIGGLING.]
HARRY: You're a very graceful Duchess.
DUCHESS [LAUGHING.]
: Oh, Harry! GHOST: Oh.
[DUCHESS GIGGLING.]
By Jove! I think we've got two ghosts now.
Well, I'm starving.
How about you? Shall we go in to breakfast? [.]
Louise? Darrin, you really are a heel.
What? Larry, are you just gonna stand there? No.
Darrin, we might as well have this out right here and now.
DARRIN: What did I do? SAMANTHA: Oh, dear.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, do you mind? We'll be in in a minute.
[WHISPERING.]
Well, what happened was, when I came into this library last night, I met that ghost and he was such a pest.
Well, now, just go along with anything I say because I have a plan.
We have to make Louise happy because she thinks that you tried to make a pass at her in the garden, and you know how [.]
Come along, everybody.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Your Grace.
I'm afraid the soufflé's fallen.
Fallen? Dear, dear.
You see, the kitchen is in another building, and I'm afraid that the soufflé took a chill as it was being carried across the drawbridge.
I'll see if Cook has prepared a substitute one.
In the meantime, please carry on with the kidney pie.
Thank you.
Come along.
[.]
Well, what was all that about? The soufflé fell, and you're next.
When we get home, I'm gonna dig up a good psychiatrist for you.
Well, it looks as if Larry got the message.
What message? Uh, these past few weeks were supposed to be a vacation with a little work on the side.
Well, you turned it into a little vacation with a lot of work on the side.
And poor Darrin, he's been under a terrible strain.
You may not believe this, but he's near the breaking point.
Oh, I believe it.
I believe it.
After his behavior, so do I.
Oh, no.
Uh, you don't understand.
Uh, Darrin just wanted to show Larry what would happen if he didn't take some of the pressure off.
Well, it worked.
I told you he was cracking up, didn't I? Do you understand, Louise? Oh, perfectly.
What you're all saying is that unless somebody's out of his mind he couldn't possibly be interested in me.
Oh, no.
No, you don't understand.
You see, Darrin thought that if he paid attention to you Larry would realize that a nervous breakdown would be the only thing that would cause him to jeopardize our friendship, let alone their business relationship, because that's how we all got together in the first place, which should prove to you that Darrin would never dream of saying anything to offend you, right, sweetheart? Right.
What did you say? It doesn't matter what she said.
It was a compliment.
It was? Eat your kidneys.
I'll explain it to you later.
[.]
[.]