Bewitched (1964) s08e08 Episode Script
TV or Not TV
Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[MAN LAUGHING ON TV.]
MAN: Wow-wee, kids, wasn't that a funny cartoon? I bet you never thought it was going to end, did you? Neither did I.
Okay, time for lunch.
Now, you have a choice.
What will it be? Peanut butter and jelly or egg salad sandwiches? Shh, Mommy, we're watching Steamboat Bill.
Well, I'm sure that Steamboat Bill approves of lunch.
Now, what'll it be? Mommy, please, you said we could watch Daddy's new show.
Well, sweetheart, it isn't really Daddy's show.
He just does the advertising.
Okay, kids, it's time for our daily boxing lesson.
You guessed it, Punch and Judy.
Sock it to her, Punch.
Hi, everybody.
My name is Mr.
Punch, and this is the Punch and Judy Show.
First, I'll start things out by calling up my wife, Judy.
Hey, Judy, come on up.
JUDY [ON TV.]
: I can't.
Why not? JUDY: Because I'm busy, busy, busy.
PUNCH: You better come up or you're gonna be sorry, sorry, sorry.
JUDY: Well, what do you want? I want a kiss.
No.
All right, then try one of mine.
JUDY: Ow.
Did you like it? No.
Try another.
You'll acquire a taste for them.
Mommy, how come Punch always hits Judy? [TITTERS.]
Because she isn't a member of women's lib.
What, Mommy? Never mind, sweetheart.
Punch is just very aggressive, which doesn't seem to bother your brother one bit.
Now, what'll you have for lunch? How about a TV lunch? Okay, two TV peanut-butter- and-jelly specials coming up.
JUDY: No.
PUNCH: Boy, you're persistent, aren't you? You're also a glutton for punishment.
Take another and another and another.
Now Larry.
How's our latest contribution to the humor and culture of our youth? Not only have I not laughed, chuckled or smiled, but I'm actually in pain.
Let me remind you, you're not a 5-year-old.
But you are the account executive, so keep watching.
The sponsor might ask questions.
JUDY: I'm gonna have a sore head tomorrow, I can tell that.
Ow! That's awful, the way he keeps hitting her.
You better look out.
Oh, yeah? Well, take another and another and another.
You're learning real bad things from this show.
Okay, someone has to put a stop to all this hitting, and it might as well be me.
[MAGICAL CHIMES.]
PUNCH: Judy, go get my supper.
JUDY: No.
PUNCH: And another.
TABITHA: Hi.
My mommy says you're very aggressive and because of you, my brother keeps on hitting me.
Tabitha.
That girl.
Where did that kid come from? I don't know.
I never saw her before.
Wha? Ow, ow, ow! Stop that hitting.
Yeah, where did the kid come from? How do I know? Maybe they added something without telling us.
Or maybe the director's back on the funny water.
All you know how to do, Punch, is hit.
There's Wait till I tell my analyst about this.
Oh, come on, little girl.
Don't be a spoiled sport.
I ain't hitting her hard.
Besides, Judy likes it.
Sam! [IN JUDY'S VOICE.]
I sure do.
Ow, ow, ow! Adam, Judy only said that because she's scared of Punch.
But, Judy, you don't have to be scared of Punch anymore.
[MAGICAL CHIMES.]
PUNCH: What? Where's my slapper? Judy, have you seen my slapper? No, but I'll go get another one.
My goodness.
Thank you very much.
There.
Now, doesn't that feel better? No.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Sam, may I ask what you're doing? Of course you may.
May I ask why you ask? Because your daughter is on television.
What? She just popped into the Steamboat Bill Show.
You're kidding.
Sam, there are certain things I don't kid about.
Do something.
All right, all right.
Oh, Tabitha.
NARRATOR: [.]
[.]
[.]
Nah-nah, you missed me.
Didn't that time.
Punch, you're setting a bad example for all the little boys watching.
My little brother hit me because of you.
Tabitha.
Oh, hi, Mommy.
I'm on TV.
No, you're not.
You're canceled.
Now, you come home right this minute.
I'm sorry, but my mother wants me.
Punch, don't you forget what I said.
[MAGICAL CHIMES.]
You all saw that, didn't you? I mean, it's not just me.
Tabitha, you were very naughty, and I am very angry.
But, Mommy, I didn't hurt anybody.
Well, I'm not too sure.
You might have hurt Daddy.
But, Mommy, how come you do stuff sometimes? Only in emergencies.
To correct something that Esmeralda or Uncle Arthur might have done.
Some small catastrophe.
What's a catastrophe? Something we live with in this house every day.
Oh, uh, hi, Larry.
Don't you "Hi, Larry" me, you sly devil.
Yeah, well, look, it's really very easy, very simple to explain.
Silverton loved it.
Who? Silverton, the sponsor.
Remember him? He loved it.
Oh.
He just called to say he thought it was a marvelous touch having the girl talk to the puppets as if they were real people.
And I agree with him Even though I didn't see it.
Now, as your commander in chief, I demand to know why you didn't let me in on it.
Well, because it was, uh, only just an experiment.
Experiment, my eye.
Silverton wants to use her every day.
The calls to the station have been fantastic.
That little kid really got to the audience.
Well, that's wonderful, Larry.
The only trouble is, uh, we're not gonna be able to get to that little kid.
What do you mean? Well, you see, I just had an usher, uh Uh, pick her out of the audience.
I haven't the slightest idea who she is.
And after the show she just popped out like she popped in.
Popped out, popped in? Uh, well, that's just a figure of speech.
We'll just have to find another kid.
Oh, yeah.
And we will, we will.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's a great idea, Larry.
No wonder you're my commander in chief.
[.]
Sam, how could you? How could you let Tabitha do a thing like that? Sweetheart, you're not listening.
I didn't let her.
She just popped in by herself.
I can't watch her every second.
Sam, this is serious.
Tabitha can't keep on abusing her powers of witchcraft like this.
I I know, sweetheart.
I had a serious witch-to-witch talk with her.
And she realizes the full impact of what she did and promises never to go TV-popping again.
But if she's this undisciplined as a child, imagine what she'll be like when she grows up.
Darrin.
I don't think your right hand knows what your left hand is doing.
Either one of those drinks is mine, or you're going to be the fastest drunk in the West.
Sorry, Sam.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
[.]
Hello, Darrin.
Larry, what a surprise.
Uh, come on in.
You remember Lester Silverton, president of the Silverton Toy Company? DARRIN: Of course.
How are you, Mr.
Silverton? The string, Darrin.
Pull the string.
Oh, of course.
Forgive me, I forgot.
Hello, Mr.
Stephens, nice to see you again.
Likewise.
Well what can I do for you? You can mix us two Scotch and sodas in the living room.
Oh, yes.
LARRY: Darrin, you're going to flip when you hear the great idea Mr.
Silverton's come up with.
Well, hi, everybody.
Hi, Samantha.
Mr.
Silverton, this is Samantha, Darrin's charming and lovely wife.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, Larry.
It's a pleasure.
Pull the string, Sam.
Of course.
I like you.
I'd like to be your friend.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
How cute.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, two Scotches coming right up.
Uh, sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Mr.
Silverton.
Well, what's the great idea, Mr.
Silverton? Well, it's an ingenious way to find our little mystery girl.
Mystery girl? Our TV mystery girl, who else? DARRIN: I thought we were going to get a replacement.
I've set up interviews for tomorrow for a new girl.
Don't be ridiculous.
That kid charmed this town.
She's a fantastic find and we're going to find her.
I hope so.
Now, what we do is run a campaign.
Who is this mystery girl who has captured the hearts of people in television land? Is she the little girl next door? Is she your little girl? The publicity would be tremendous.
Of course, the person identifying the mystery girl would receive a substantial cash prize.
How much? Sam.
Well.
TABITHA: Mommy, Daddy.
I want to say good night.
No.
That's okay, sweetheart, you said good night to us last night.
Hold it.
Hold it.
That's her.
That's who? The mystery girl on the show.
Tabitha? [BOTH LAUGH.]
LARRY: Impossible.
Uh, but, Larry, if, uh If Mr.
Silverton thinks that Tabitha looks like the mystery girl, at least you have a clue to go on.
She not only looks like the kid, she is the kid.
Oh, I'm afraid, Mr.
Silverton, that, uh, you're mistaken.
Stephens, not only do I never make mistakes, but when I do, nobody points them out to me.
I hope I make myself clear.
Perfectly.
Right, Darrin? Well, I guess that's the shortest contest in history.
[CHUCKLES.]
Go to bed, Tabitha.
I'll come up and tuck you SILVERTON: Now, just a minute.
I'd like to ask the little girl a question.
How would you like to be the star of my TV show? I'd love it.
Can I, Mommy? Can I, Daddy? Can I be a star? We'll talk about that later.
Now you go on up to bed.
LARRY: Night, Tabitha.
Stephens, how come the big secret? Yes, we'd like an explanation, and it better be a good one.
Hopefully, a great one.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, uh, will you buy the fact that, uh, I got the idea to use a little girl on the show at the last minute, so it was too late to hire an actress s So I used Tabitha? Well, that certainly sounds reasonable.
Just one thing, Tate.
You know I'm against hiring relatives.
Well, I'm dead set against nepotism, myself.
Why, even my own daughter who happens to be a very fine little actress never has worked on my TV show.
I guess that settles it.
Right.
Darrin, I'll join you tomorrow at the interviews for Tabitha's replacement.
I don't think that'll be necessary, Tate.
LARRY: You don't? No, Tabitha stays on the show.
B But what about your attitude toward nepotism? Stephens, I think you'll find my attitude toward nepotism is not as strong as my attitude toward profit.
The audience reaction to your daughter spells profit.
Replacing her might spell loss.
Right.
Darrin, I want Tabitha on that set first thing tomorrow morning.
Do I make myself understood? Perfectly.
Ha-ha! Well, I guess there's no business like show business, is there? [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Cheers.
[.]
[.]
You haven't touched your eggs.
My stomach can't get used to the idea that Larry talked us into letting Tabitha appear on that TV show.
Well, don't you worry, sweetheart.
I guarantee you that Tabitha's star will be eclipsed the day she starts, which is today.
Um, question: How? Well, uh, witchcraft got you into this mess so witchcraft can get you out of it.
Uh, question.
How? Answer.
I'm waiting, Sam.
Darrin, why don't you go to the office, and I'll phone the answer in? Question.
When? Just as soon as I think of it.
[.]
[CHANTS.]
Witchcraft's done the dirty deed.
Reverse it now with all due speed.
Gossamer wings The words pell-mell.
Whisk me to where The Silvertons dwell [MAGICAL CHIMES.]
Time for another cup of coffee, dear? [MAGICAL CHIME.]
Sorry, dear, but I've got to get to the studio early.
The Stephens girl is starting today.
I want to see that everything goes smoothly.
Is she any good? Good? Helen, she was great.
She was so natural and innocent with those puppets, she gave you the feeling that she was actually talking to real people.
But Robin has a natural and innocent quality too, Lester.
I think you ought to reconsider and Not a chance, Helen.
Robin's a fine little actress, but you know how I feel about hiring relatives.
It looks bad.
Well, I gotta get a move on.
Have a good time at the museum.
So long.
Goodbye, Lest.
Have a good time today, honey.
Bye.
Bye-bye, Daddy.
Mommy, after the museum, can we go to the movies? Of course, dear.
We'll do anything you want to.
We'll go to the museum, to the movies, to the zoo.
But if we're gonna do everything, we're gonna have to get started.
I don't like to be late getting to the I don't like to be late getting to the studio.
The studio? We're not going to the studio, we're going to the museum.
No, dear, we're going to the studio.
Why? Why? Oh, Robin, don't ask such silly questions.
Why? I I don't know why.
But we're going.
[MAGICAL CHIME.]
DIRECTOR: All right, troops.
All right, hold it.
Run through in 30 seconds.
Watch that.
Lights, lights, lights.
Attaboy.
Good.
Let's get this puppet show on the road.
Where's Bill? Steamboat Bill, where? Here I am.
Always when I don't need you.
I wanna go through the opening.
I want you high, baby, high.
Not down.
Watch it.
Now, when Punch hits Judy for the third time, you say, "Punch" Why do I have to wait for the third time? He could have hurt her by then.
Don't worry, puppets are built to take a lot of punishment.
Now, pay attention.
You say All right, you got it? I got it.
I've been doing this for 10 years.
Too long.
Okay, everybody, get with it.
Places, please.
Oh, where's my star? Where's my little star? Right here.
Here I am.
Now, during this picnic scene, Punch hits Judy.
Then I want you to say, "Punch, I think deep down, you don't like little girls.
" Now, have you got that? Look, no combing, no time.
Right over here.
Up on Camera 2.
DIRECTOR: And action.
JUDY: He took my chicken leg.
He took my chicken leg.
Punch, deep down, I think you don't like girls.
Oh, I do, I do.
But I like chicken legs more.
Ow! You're getting into very bad habits.
When you're older, you'll realize that girls have feelings too.
JUDY: Can't he realize that now? How many more years of abuse must I take? Pick a number from one to 10.
Ow! That settles it.
Judy, I'm gonna find you another boyfriend.
PUNCH: You are? JUDY: Would you, Tabitha? Would you? One that doesn't hit quite so hard? You know, Judy, not all boys hit girls.
They don't? They don't? Ha! They don't know all the fun they missed.
JUDY: Ow, ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
That was very good.
Let's take a break.
Tabitha, dear, I'll be right out.
All right, Tabitha, let's try on this other dress.
Mommy, when do I get time to play a little bit? Not for a while, sweetheart.
Being a star requires a lot of work.
But the director said I could take a break.
Well, taking a break doesn't mean you can play.
It just means getting ready for the next scene.
Okay, Tabitha, I have some line changes for you.
Here on page 24.
Now, this is where we do the history lesson.
Let me touch up her makeup.
Let me smooth out her hair.
Look, would you leave my little star alone? WOMAN: If I don't fit this dress, it won't be ready for airtime.
Don't smudge her makeup.
WOMAN: Watch her hair.
DIRECTOR: Would you all be quiet while I go through these lines? Now, Tabitha, pay attention, darling.
What we're going to do is tell the What are you? Tell the story of G George Washington.
George Washington was a great American statesman, and he stood on the banks of the Potomac River Okay, Tabitha, darling.
That should do it.
Okay, crew.
On stage in 10 seconds.
Oh, go see if Punch and Judy need anything.
Mommy, I don't think I like being a star.
Well, you'll get used to it.
You mean I'm going to have to do this forever? No.
Not if you don't want to.
Would you rather go to the zoo this afternoon? I sure would.
Well, you're in luck.
I have an idea.
Now, listen, Tabitha, all you have to do is forget the name of the president that threw whatever it was over All right, now, Tabitha, we're going to do the scene where you give Punch and Judy a history lesson.
Hi.
Let's try it, huh? Tabitha, start with George Washington and the silver dollar, right? Up on Camera 2.
Attaboy.
Action.
The story goes that George Washington threw a Uh, threw a I just told you, Tabitha, a silver dollar.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Sorry, Punch.
Sorry, Judy.
The story goes that George Washington threw a silver dollar across the river.
Now, look, that's the Potomac River.
Now, what is the matter with you, Tabitha? TABITHA: I'm sorry, Mr.
Director, but I can't remember my lines.
Don't worry.
Just keep going.
You'll remember.
TABITHA: But I'm tired.
Tabitha, my dear, you are a star, and the show must go on.
Now, let's take it from the top.
I'm tired.
I wanna go home.
Me too.
But she can't go home.
Right.
She has a job to do.
Yes.
What kind of a pro is she? SAMANTHA: Well, she's not a pro.
She's a little girl.
If you wanted a pro, you should hire an actress.
I have an idea.
What about Robin? Well, Robin is my daughter and you know how I feel about hiring relatives.
Mr.
Silverton, may I remind you that Tabitha is my daughter And when I need to be reminded of something, I'll ask you.
Anyway, Robin isn't here.
All right, troops, take a five while we straighten this out.
Get your cameras.
Robin.
Helen.
What are you doing here? Well, I I really don't know.
[MAGICAL CHIME.]
Well, Robin, as long as you're here, I'd like to ask you a question.
Yes, Daddy.
How would you like to be on Daddy's show? But you said I could never be on any of your shows.
SILVERTON: I just asked you a question.
Yes or no? I'd love it, Dad.
SILVERTON: All right, sweetheart.
Let's go onstage and we'll get you ready.
Maybe someday you'd like to explain this to me.
Uh, Larry, uh, you'd never believe it.
Try me.
Well, first let's tell the director he's got a new little star.
Mrs.
Silverton.
Mrs.
Silverton.
Hi.
I'm Samantha Stephens.
How do you do? I'm Helen Silverton.
Yes, it's nice to meet you.
I'm so glad Robin got the job.
I'm sure she'll be just great.
Oh, aren't you going to stay and watch the show? I'm afraid I can't.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the day with Tabitha.
I think I'll take her to the zoo.
And then maybe we'll go to the museum.
And after the museum, maybe we'll go to the movies.
[.]
[.]
Sam? Hm? Do you know what makes being married to a witch so wonderful? What? Well, for example, take a day like this.
It's like getting hit over the head with a hammer.
If feels so good when it stops.
I am going to pretend you meant that as a compliment.
TABITHA: Mommy, Daddy, is it all right if I say good night tonight? Of course, sweetheart.
Good night and sweet dreams.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, dear.
Daddy, was Robin good on the show today? DARRIN: She was pretty good.
She got Punch to stop hitting Judy so much.
I bet you if I were on the show, I could get Punch never to hit Judy again.
There's too much hitting on TV.
Sweetheart, you're just going to have to let Robin handle the campaign on nonviolence.
But there's a little hitting that you can take care of yourself.
What's that, Mommy? I want you to hit the sack.
Immediately.
Speaking of nonviolence, where were we? Oh, yes.
Just about here.
[.]
[.]
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[MAN LAUGHING ON TV.]
MAN: Wow-wee, kids, wasn't that a funny cartoon? I bet you never thought it was going to end, did you? Neither did I.
Okay, time for lunch.
Now, you have a choice.
What will it be? Peanut butter and jelly or egg salad sandwiches? Shh, Mommy, we're watching Steamboat Bill.
Well, I'm sure that Steamboat Bill approves of lunch.
Now, what'll it be? Mommy, please, you said we could watch Daddy's new show.
Well, sweetheart, it isn't really Daddy's show.
He just does the advertising.
Okay, kids, it's time for our daily boxing lesson.
You guessed it, Punch and Judy.
Sock it to her, Punch.
Hi, everybody.
My name is Mr.
Punch, and this is the Punch and Judy Show.
First, I'll start things out by calling up my wife, Judy.
Hey, Judy, come on up.
JUDY [ON TV.]
: I can't.
Why not? JUDY: Because I'm busy, busy, busy.
PUNCH: You better come up or you're gonna be sorry, sorry, sorry.
JUDY: Well, what do you want? I want a kiss.
No.
All right, then try one of mine.
JUDY: Ow.
Did you like it? No.
Try another.
You'll acquire a taste for them.
Mommy, how come Punch always hits Judy? [TITTERS.]
Because she isn't a member of women's lib.
What, Mommy? Never mind, sweetheart.
Punch is just very aggressive, which doesn't seem to bother your brother one bit.
Now, what'll you have for lunch? How about a TV lunch? Okay, two TV peanut-butter- and-jelly specials coming up.
JUDY: No.
PUNCH: Boy, you're persistent, aren't you? You're also a glutton for punishment.
Take another and another and another.
Now Larry.
How's our latest contribution to the humor and culture of our youth? Not only have I not laughed, chuckled or smiled, but I'm actually in pain.
Let me remind you, you're not a 5-year-old.
But you are the account executive, so keep watching.
The sponsor might ask questions.
JUDY: I'm gonna have a sore head tomorrow, I can tell that.
Ow! That's awful, the way he keeps hitting her.
You better look out.
Oh, yeah? Well, take another and another and another.
You're learning real bad things from this show.
Okay, someone has to put a stop to all this hitting, and it might as well be me.
[MAGICAL CHIMES.]
PUNCH: Judy, go get my supper.
JUDY: No.
PUNCH: And another.
TABITHA: Hi.
My mommy says you're very aggressive and because of you, my brother keeps on hitting me.
Tabitha.
That girl.
Where did that kid come from? I don't know.
I never saw her before.
Wha? Ow, ow, ow! Stop that hitting.
Yeah, where did the kid come from? How do I know? Maybe they added something without telling us.
Or maybe the director's back on the funny water.
All you know how to do, Punch, is hit.
There's Wait till I tell my analyst about this.
Oh, come on, little girl.
Don't be a spoiled sport.
I ain't hitting her hard.
Besides, Judy likes it.
Sam! [IN JUDY'S VOICE.]
I sure do.
Ow, ow, ow! Adam, Judy only said that because she's scared of Punch.
But, Judy, you don't have to be scared of Punch anymore.
[MAGICAL CHIMES.]
PUNCH: What? Where's my slapper? Judy, have you seen my slapper? No, but I'll go get another one.
My goodness.
Thank you very much.
There.
Now, doesn't that feel better? No.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Sam, may I ask what you're doing? Of course you may.
May I ask why you ask? Because your daughter is on television.
What? She just popped into the Steamboat Bill Show.
You're kidding.
Sam, there are certain things I don't kid about.
Do something.
All right, all right.
Oh, Tabitha.
NARRATOR: [.]
[.]
[.]
Nah-nah, you missed me.
Didn't that time.
Punch, you're setting a bad example for all the little boys watching.
My little brother hit me because of you.
Tabitha.
Oh, hi, Mommy.
I'm on TV.
No, you're not.
You're canceled.
Now, you come home right this minute.
I'm sorry, but my mother wants me.
Punch, don't you forget what I said.
[MAGICAL CHIMES.]
You all saw that, didn't you? I mean, it's not just me.
Tabitha, you were very naughty, and I am very angry.
But, Mommy, I didn't hurt anybody.
Well, I'm not too sure.
You might have hurt Daddy.
But, Mommy, how come you do stuff sometimes? Only in emergencies.
To correct something that Esmeralda or Uncle Arthur might have done.
Some small catastrophe.
What's a catastrophe? Something we live with in this house every day.
Oh, uh, hi, Larry.
Don't you "Hi, Larry" me, you sly devil.
Yeah, well, look, it's really very easy, very simple to explain.
Silverton loved it.
Who? Silverton, the sponsor.
Remember him? He loved it.
Oh.
He just called to say he thought it was a marvelous touch having the girl talk to the puppets as if they were real people.
And I agree with him Even though I didn't see it.
Now, as your commander in chief, I demand to know why you didn't let me in on it.
Well, because it was, uh, only just an experiment.
Experiment, my eye.
Silverton wants to use her every day.
The calls to the station have been fantastic.
That little kid really got to the audience.
Well, that's wonderful, Larry.
The only trouble is, uh, we're not gonna be able to get to that little kid.
What do you mean? Well, you see, I just had an usher, uh Uh, pick her out of the audience.
I haven't the slightest idea who she is.
And after the show she just popped out like she popped in.
Popped out, popped in? Uh, well, that's just a figure of speech.
We'll just have to find another kid.
Oh, yeah.
And we will, we will.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's a great idea, Larry.
No wonder you're my commander in chief.
[.]
Sam, how could you? How could you let Tabitha do a thing like that? Sweetheart, you're not listening.
I didn't let her.
She just popped in by herself.
I can't watch her every second.
Sam, this is serious.
Tabitha can't keep on abusing her powers of witchcraft like this.
I I know, sweetheart.
I had a serious witch-to-witch talk with her.
And she realizes the full impact of what she did and promises never to go TV-popping again.
But if she's this undisciplined as a child, imagine what she'll be like when she grows up.
Darrin.
I don't think your right hand knows what your left hand is doing.
Either one of those drinks is mine, or you're going to be the fastest drunk in the West.
Sorry, Sam.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
[.]
Hello, Darrin.
Larry, what a surprise.
Uh, come on in.
You remember Lester Silverton, president of the Silverton Toy Company? DARRIN: Of course.
How are you, Mr.
Silverton? The string, Darrin.
Pull the string.
Oh, of course.
Forgive me, I forgot.
Hello, Mr.
Stephens, nice to see you again.
Likewise.
Well what can I do for you? You can mix us two Scotch and sodas in the living room.
Oh, yes.
LARRY: Darrin, you're going to flip when you hear the great idea Mr.
Silverton's come up with.
Well, hi, everybody.
Hi, Samantha.
Mr.
Silverton, this is Samantha, Darrin's charming and lovely wife.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, Larry.
It's a pleasure.
Pull the string, Sam.
Of course.
I like you.
I'd like to be your friend.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
How cute.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, two Scotches coming right up.
Uh, sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Mr.
Silverton.
Well, what's the great idea, Mr.
Silverton? Well, it's an ingenious way to find our little mystery girl.
Mystery girl? Our TV mystery girl, who else? DARRIN: I thought we were going to get a replacement.
I've set up interviews for tomorrow for a new girl.
Don't be ridiculous.
That kid charmed this town.
She's a fantastic find and we're going to find her.
I hope so.
Now, what we do is run a campaign.
Who is this mystery girl who has captured the hearts of people in television land? Is she the little girl next door? Is she your little girl? The publicity would be tremendous.
Of course, the person identifying the mystery girl would receive a substantial cash prize.
How much? Sam.
Well.
TABITHA: Mommy, Daddy.
I want to say good night.
No.
That's okay, sweetheart, you said good night to us last night.
Hold it.
Hold it.
That's her.
That's who? The mystery girl on the show.
Tabitha? [BOTH LAUGH.]
LARRY: Impossible.
Uh, but, Larry, if, uh If Mr.
Silverton thinks that Tabitha looks like the mystery girl, at least you have a clue to go on.
She not only looks like the kid, she is the kid.
Oh, I'm afraid, Mr.
Silverton, that, uh, you're mistaken.
Stephens, not only do I never make mistakes, but when I do, nobody points them out to me.
I hope I make myself clear.
Perfectly.
Right, Darrin? Well, I guess that's the shortest contest in history.
[CHUCKLES.]
Go to bed, Tabitha.
I'll come up and tuck you SILVERTON: Now, just a minute.
I'd like to ask the little girl a question.
How would you like to be the star of my TV show? I'd love it.
Can I, Mommy? Can I, Daddy? Can I be a star? We'll talk about that later.
Now you go on up to bed.
LARRY: Night, Tabitha.
Stephens, how come the big secret? Yes, we'd like an explanation, and it better be a good one.
Hopefully, a great one.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, uh, will you buy the fact that, uh, I got the idea to use a little girl on the show at the last minute, so it was too late to hire an actress s So I used Tabitha? Well, that certainly sounds reasonable.
Just one thing, Tate.
You know I'm against hiring relatives.
Well, I'm dead set against nepotism, myself.
Why, even my own daughter who happens to be a very fine little actress never has worked on my TV show.
I guess that settles it.
Right.
Darrin, I'll join you tomorrow at the interviews for Tabitha's replacement.
I don't think that'll be necessary, Tate.
LARRY: You don't? No, Tabitha stays on the show.
B But what about your attitude toward nepotism? Stephens, I think you'll find my attitude toward nepotism is not as strong as my attitude toward profit.
The audience reaction to your daughter spells profit.
Replacing her might spell loss.
Right.
Darrin, I want Tabitha on that set first thing tomorrow morning.
Do I make myself understood? Perfectly.
Ha-ha! Well, I guess there's no business like show business, is there? [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Cheers.
[.]
[.]
You haven't touched your eggs.
My stomach can't get used to the idea that Larry talked us into letting Tabitha appear on that TV show.
Well, don't you worry, sweetheart.
I guarantee you that Tabitha's star will be eclipsed the day she starts, which is today.
Um, question: How? Well, uh, witchcraft got you into this mess so witchcraft can get you out of it.
Uh, question.
How? Answer.
I'm waiting, Sam.
Darrin, why don't you go to the office, and I'll phone the answer in? Question.
When? Just as soon as I think of it.
[.]
[CHANTS.]
Witchcraft's done the dirty deed.
Reverse it now with all due speed.
Gossamer wings The words pell-mell.
Whisk me to where The Silvertons dwell [MAGICAL CHIMES.]
Time for another cup of coffee, dear? [MAGICAL CHIME.]
Sorry, dear, but I've got to get to the studio early.
The Stephens girl is starting today.
I want to see that everything goes smoothly.
Is she any good? Good? Helen, she was great.
She was so natural and innocent with those puppets, she gave you the feeling that she was actually talking to real people.
But Robin has a natural and innocent quality too, Lester.
I think you ought to reconsider and Not a chance, Helen.
Robin's a fine little actress, but you know how I feel about hiring relatives.
It looks bad.
Well, I gotta get a move on.
Have a good time at the museum.
So long.
Goodbye, Lest.
Have a good time today, honey.
Bye.
Bye-bye, Daddy.
Mommy, after the museum, can we go to the movies? Of course, dear.
We'll do anything you want to.
We'll go to the museum, to the movies, to the zoo.
But if we're gonna do everything, we're gonna have to get started.
I don't like to be late getting to the I don't like to be late getting to the studio.
The studio? We're not going to the studio, we're going to the museum.
No, dear, we're going to the studio.
Why? Why? Oh, Robin, don't ask such silly questions.
Why? I I don't know why.
But we're going.
[MAGICAL CHIME.]
DIRECTOR: All right, troops.
All right, hold it.
Run through in 30 seconds.
Watch that.
Lights, lights, lights.
Attaboy.
Good.
Let's get this puppet show on the road.
Where's Bill? Steamboat Bill, where? Here I am.
Always when I don't need you.
I wanna go through the opening.
I want you high, baby, high.
Not down.
Watch it.
Now, when Punch hits Judy for the third time, you say, "Punch" Why do I have to wait for the third time? He could have hurt her by then.
Don't worry, puppets are built to take a lot of punishment.
Now, pay attention.
You say All right, you got it? I got it.
I've been doing this for 10 years.
Too long.
Okay, everybody, get with it.
Places, please.
Oh, where's my star? Where's my little star? Right here.
Here I am.
Now, during this picnic scene, Punch hits Judy.
Then I want you to say, "Punch, I think deep down, you don't like little girls.
" Now, have you got that? Look, no combing, no time.
Right over here.
Up on Camera 2.
DIRECTOR: And action.
JUDY: He took my chicken leg.
He took my chicken leg.
Punch, deep down, I think you don't like girls.
Oh, I do, I do.
But I like chicken legs more.
Ow! You're getting into very bad habits.
When you're older, you'll realize that girls have feelings too.
JUDY: Can't he realize that now? How many more years of abuse must I take? Pick a number from one to 10.
Ow! That settles it.
Judy, I'm gonna find you another boyfriend.
PUNCH: You are? JUDY: Would you, Tabitha? Would you? One that doesn't hit quite so hard? You know, Judy, not all boys hit girls.
They don't? They don't? Ha! They don't know all the fun they missed.
JUDY: Ow, ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
That was very good.
Let's take a break.
Tabitha, dear, I'll be right out.
All right, Tabitha, let's try on this other dress.
Mommy, when do I get time to play a little bit? Not for a while, sweetheart.
Being a star requires a lot of work.
But the director said I could take a break.
Well, taking a break doesn't mean you can play.
It just means getting ready for the next scene.
Okay, Tabitha, I have some line changes for you.
Here on page 24.
Now, this is where we do the history lesson.
Let me touch up her makeup.
Let me smooth out her hair.
Look, would you leave my little star alone? WOMAN: If I don't fit this dress, it won't be ready for airtime.
Don't smudge her makeup.
WOMAN: Watch her hair.
DIRECTOR: Would you all be quiet while I go through these lines? Now, Tabitha, pay attention, darling.
What we're going to do is tell the What are you? Tell the story of G George Washington.
George Washington was a great American statesman, and he stood on the banks of the Potomac River Okay, Tabitha, darling.
That should do it.
Okay, crew.
On stage in 10 seconds.
Oh, go see if Punch and Judy need anything.
Mommy, I don't think I like being a star.
Well, you'll get used to it.
You mean I'm going to have to do this forever? No.
Not if you don't want to.
Would you rather go to the zoo this afternoon? I sure would.
Well, you're in luck.
I have an idea.
Now, listen, Tabitha, all you have to do is forget the name of the president that threw whatever it was over All right, now, Tabitha, we're going to do the scene where you give Punch and Judy a history lesson.
Hi.
Let's try it, huh? Tabitha, start with George Washington and the silver dollar, right? Up on Camera 2.
Attaboy.
Action.
The story goes that George Washington threw a Uh, threw a I just told you, Tabitha, a silver dollar.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Sorry, Punch.
Sorry, Judy.
The story goes that George Washington threw a silver dollar across the river.
Now, look, that's the Potomac River.
Now, what is the matter with you, Tabitha? TABITHA: I'm sorry, Mr.
Director, but I can't remember my lines.
Don't worry.
Just keep going.
You'll remember.
TABITHA: But I'm tired.
Tabitha, my dear, you are a star, and the show must go on.
Now, let's take it from the top.
I'm tired.
I wanna go home.
Me too.
But she can't go home.
Right.
She has a job to do.
Yes.
What kind of a pro is she? SAMANTHA: Well, she's not a pro.
She's a little girl.
If you wanted a pro, you should hire an actress.
I have an idea.
What about Robin? Well, Robin is my daughter and you know how I feel about hiring relatives.
Mr.
Silverton, may I remind you that Tabitha is my daughter And when I need to be reminded of something, I'll ask you.
Anyway, Robin isn't here.
All right, troops, take a five while we straighten this out.
Get your cameras.
Robin.
Helen.
What are you doing here? Well, I I really don't know.
[MAGICAL CHIME.]
Well, Robin, as long as you're here, I'd like to ask you a question.
Yes, Daddy.
How would you like to be on Daddy's show? But you said I could never be on any of your shows.
SILVERTON: I just asked you a question.
Yes or no? I'd love it, Dad.
SILVERTON: All right, sweetheart.
Let's go onstage and we'll get you ready.
Maybe someday you'd like to explain this to me.
Uh, Larry, uh, you'd never believe it.
Try me.
Well, first let's tell the director he's got a new little star.
Mrs.
Silverton.
Mrs.
Silverton.
Hi.
I'm Samantha Stephens.
How do you do? I'm Helen Silverton.
Yes, it's nice to meet you.
I'm so glad Robin got the job.
I'm sure she'll be just great.
Oh, aren't you going to stay and watch the show? I'm afraid I can't.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the day with Tabitha.
I think I'll take her to the zoo.
And then maybe we'll go to the museum.
And after the museum, maybe we'll go to the movies.
[.]
[.]
Sam? Hm? Do you know what makes being married to a witch so wonderful? What? Well, for example, take a day like this.
It's like getting hit over the head with a hammer.
If feels so good when it stops.
I am going to pretend you meant that as a compliment.
TABITHA: Mommy, Daddy, is it all right if I say good night tonight? Of course, sweetheart.
Good night and sweet dreams.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, dear.
Daddy, was Robin good on the show today? DARRIN: She was pretty good.
She got Punch to stop hitting Judy so much.
I bet you if I were on the show, I could get Punch never to hit Judy again.
There's too much hitting on TV.
Sweetheart, you're just going to have to let Robin handle the campaign on nonviolence.
But there's a little hitting that you can take care of yourself.
What's that, Mommy? I want you to hit the sack.
Immediately.
Speaking of nonviolence, where were we? Oh, yes.
Just about here.
[.]
[.]