BH90210 (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

The Table Read

1 Previously on BH90210 Excuse me.
Do you mind bringing me some coffee? You're joking? I'm the new head writer.
[CHUCKLES] - [SCREAMS] - Wyatt Jackson.
Your bodyguard.
CHRISTINE: Get out there.
Hit up a bar.
Get yourself on a dating app.
TORI: I'm doing the 90210 reboot, and what I want is you to be a part of our show.
BRIAN: So I think I'm gonna hire that Zach kid.
He seems, uh, pretty sharp.
What do you actually know about him? Tori said that you might be needing my help.
Spelling? I don't know how you pulled this off, but I'm impressed.
Well, maybe because I'm a good producer.
["THERE SHE GOES" BY THE LA'S PLAYING"] There she goes There she goes again Racing through my Hi, Andrea.
Want to join us? I don't think she does.
Actually, I'm here to see Brandon.
Oh, it's you.
Well, who were you expecting? What are you doing here? Give her a break.
She's from Van Nuys.
She's faking her address to go to West Beverly.
No.
I-I'm not faking anything.
Yes, you are.
You don't belong.
Don't go away mad.
Just go away.
- GABRIELLE: You said you liked me! - [CHAIN SAW REVS] You said you liked me! [ALARM BUZZING] [BUZZING STOPS] [EXHALES] [BEVERLY HILLS, 90210 THEME SONG PLAYING] CHRISTINE: Getting the script together for this read-through has been a nightmare.
Oh, simple things can be so complicated.
We start shooting in three days.
And this whole show is on the brink of imploding before we even film it.
And the PR blitz has already started.
Can we stop talking about work and talk about something more, I don't know, personal? What's more personal than work? Tell me what your dream vacation would be.
I don't do vacations.
Oh, God.
Oh I'm sorry.
I-I'm so awkward.
[STAMMERS] I-I actually Googled "good first date questions," - and I - First date? Oh, you thought [SIGHS] - Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.
- Don't be.
It's my fault.
I pinged you on a dating app and didn't make it clear I was meeting you as a friend.
No, you know what? I-I really I got to go.
I No.
Stop, stop.
- Don't go, don't go.
Just sit.
- No, I just I don't want - to ever remember this.
- We can ignore each other.
We can just be on social media together like normal friends do.
Look, look.
The cast photo.
GABRIELLE: Wow.
What? We have so much traffic.
Some of your castmates are brilliant social media whores.
You could learn from them.
Wow.
So many levels there.
The public's response to this show is overwhelming.
You know what would be even better? If we actually had a show.
BRIAN: Yeah, these comments are crazy.
These people are really nice.
They're-they're, uh they're horny - but-but nice.
- Mm-hmm.
Look at this.
"Daddy Silver got it going on.
" "B.
A.
G.
is H-O-T.
" No freaking way.
- Wait, you don't think I'm hot? - Babe, I think you're hot, but I got a situation here.
Somebody just leaked one of my songs, - and my fans are trashing it.
- What? How'd that happen? - I don't know, but this is a disaster.
- [PHONE CHIMES] Oh, now my publicist is hitting me up.
The song wasn't even ready to be released.
- It's not even mixed yet.
- You know what, baby? I'm sure it's better than you think it is.
- You want to hear it? - I do.
Yeah.
[OFF-KEY]: Me and my ladies We're all for one And the best revenge - Is having fun - Auto-tune is my friend.
This is all anybody's gonna be talking about on this tour.
Who could've leaked it? - I don't know.
- Thanks, Zach.
I keep everything in the home studio.
It's got to be somebody that works in the house.
Maybe ask your stylist.
Joanna, I-I think her name is.
I saw her in the studio kind of late last night.
Maybe she saw something.
[MACHINE WHIRRING] KYLER: Why does the press release say, "Jennie Garth's daughter will costar"? Uh, maybe because you're my daughter? Mm, maybe they could've used my actual name? Now I got, like, 20 DMs saying you're the only reason I got the role.
That is why I told you social media is dangerous.
You say everything can be dangerous.
Well, that's because everything is dangerous.
Tell her, Wyatt.
I'm not getting in the middle of a family dispute.
So neutral.
Interesting.
KYLER: I mean, it just sucks.
You know? People are so excited about the show, and I got a bull's-eye on my back.
Babe, if you want to be an actress, I told you, haters are part of the gig.
All right, here you go.
Where'd you learn to do that? I played a down-on-her-luck barista who falls in love with a dashing duke in a Lifetime movie, A Latte of Love.
[LAUGHS] That sounds amazing.
Can I stream it? Oh, God, I hope not.
[THUDDING, CLATTERING] Just looks like the gutter came loose.
No big deal.
I'll clean it up before I get reassigned.
Reassigned? Well, there haven't been any new stalker threats, so Fox wants to move me.
I heard there are some issues on Empire.
Oh.
JENNIE [SIGHS]: I hope this is the right thing to do, making Kyler audition.
I already gave her the part.
It's just a formality.
It's the only way she's gonna get past all the nasty comments online.
I know.
They were brutal.
Did you read them? Uh, yeah.
Really bad.
I get it.
I mean, I've been dealing with 30 years of nepotism.
The only way that she is gonna build her self-confidence is to earn the part.
Like you did when you auditioned under a fake name for your dad.
- Dori Snelling.
I fooled them all.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah, you did.
CASTING DIRECTOR: Come on in, Kyler.
- Oh.
- Come on in.
Whenever you're ready, Kyler.
Um [CLEARS THROAT] Mom, dances at West Beverly are hell for me.
[CLEARS THROAT] Um I don't want to be the Spring Princess, and I-I wish you could see that.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
- Great job, Ky.
- Mm.
Good job, babe.
CASTING DIRECTOR: One more to see.
Uh Okay, whenever you're ready, Tilda.
[EXHALES] Mom dances at West Beverly are hell for me.
I don't want to be the Spring Princess.
I wish you could see that.
I wish that, for once, you could just see me.
Thank you so much, Tilda.
Oh, no.
- [WHISPERS]: She was really good.
- Right? - TORI: What do we do? - I don't know.
I don't know.
I-I already gave Kyler the role.
Mm.
You gave her a role in the show.
I mean, I auditioned for Kelly.
Imagine if I had gotten the role.
Oof.
Disaster.
Okay.
Let's not go overboard.
I'm just saying, you got the part of Kelly because you were supposed to be Kelly.
Maybe Kyler is a Donna.
[EXHALES] You did so great in there.
- Yeah? - I was really proud of you.
Thanks.
I was nervous.
Uh, look, I don't I don't know how to say this, um, but there was another girl who sort of fit the part in a way we didn't expect.
Wait, Mom, are you trying to say that I didn't get the role? No.
We just think that you would be better to play Donna's daughter.
So, all my scenes would be with Aunt Tori? Yeah.
That's actually so much better.
I mean, like, let's face it, Mom.
Working with Aunt Tori is gonna be so much easier than working with you.
- Oh, good.
- Mom.
ANNA: This is not working for me.
No.
- Get rid of it.
Yeah.
- Oh, let me guess.
You came here to gloat.
No.
I came here to do my job: approve wardrobe.
[CHUCKLES]: I am loving this view.
Yeah.
Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot with the whole coffee thing.
- It wasn't just the coffee.
- Okay.
But there's no reason to punish the audience because of it.
- Excuse me? - You might not know this, but Steve Sanders' mom, Samantha Sanders A very famous actress, okay? She was also the epitome of cutting-edge fashion.
If you dress me like a homeless bum, the fans are gonna revolt.
Wow, you are so about yourself, you literally can't hear yourself.
Now what? I've seen every episode of the original.
Twice.
So I know all about Samantha Sanders and her longstanding role on The Hartley House.
I actually intended Steve to follow in her footsteps and become this Oscar-winning movie star whose new movie is about his character who survives the environmental apocalypse.
Oh, that's great.
That's useful information I now have.
- If you're gonna - Another thing I think you should know: Unhoused people aren't "bums.
" As a member of the Los Angeles Homeless Assistance Board and, frankly, as a human, I find the insinuation offensive.
Another misunderstanding.
No.
I understand you really well.
You want Steve to go back to wearing pastel mesh belly shirts.
To avoid punishing the audience.
- Done.
- Great.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Great talk.
- Dude, that writer loves you.
- Loves me.
[CELL PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING] [EXHALES] - Shay Bae.
- SHAY: Hey, Bri Bae.
So, look, Joanna swears up and down that she didn't leak my track.
- And you believe her? - Joanna's been with me for, like, five years.
Zach's this sketchy kid who's been with you for, like, five minutes.
So, yeah, I believe her.
But Zach is a really good kid.
I mean, he stuck up for you.
All I know is none of my songs ever leaked until this kid started creeping around.
I'll see you later.
- Ugh, that's so good.
- Dude, you have such a big house with not one camera in it? Dude, everything we do in our life is recorded on someone's camera.
I don't want cameras in my house.
- It's a good outfit.
- Great.
TORI: You guys, it's the first new 90210 table read.
Can you believe we're here? - No.
- No.
- Yes.
- What I can't believe is that there's still a stalker out there.
It kind of sucks the joy out of things.
Oh, come on, Jen.
Give yourself some credit.
You can do that all on your own.
Oh, thank you for noticing.
Oh, see? This is delicious.
I hope the script is heavy on Brandon/Kelly love scenes.
Mm, me, too.
What I'm not crazy about is that, uh, we're doing a cold read.
Why haven't we gotten the script until now? Sorry, guys, it's just been really down to the wire.
Well, I hope you've been respectful of our characters.
We're very protective over them.
I did my best.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hello.
- Welcome.
- Well, hello.
- Shannen's deal hasn't closed.
- Hi, everybody.
Oh, my God.
I wonder what she's asking for now.
- And why didn't we ask for it? - No kidding.
So, I have a reader doing her part.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Well, if she's good, maybe we can recast.
- [CHUCKLES]: Yeah.
- CHRISTINE: So, here we are.
Let's get this show on the road.
- [EXHALES] - Here we go.
All right, let's do this.
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - Yeah.
"Fade in.
Interior, Peach Pit.
It's familiar, yet brand-new.
" "I thought old friends were supposed to be the best friends.
So, where does this leave us, Kel?" "Nowhere, Brandon.
" And we fade out.
[SIGHING] [SIGHS] Okay, why don't we clear the room? [MURMURING] ANNA: So, what do you guys think? Is this a, uh a comedy or a drama? It's not a comedy, I don't think.
At least, it's-it's not supposed to be.
No offense.
GABRIELLE: Oh, it feels so anticlimactic.
And retro.
Could you be more specific? Yeah.
It makes me want to draw a warm bath and slit my wrists.
KYLER: Seriously, Mom? I know, baby, it's bad.
No, "Seriously, Mom," is my one line buried in act three.
Did you know I was gonna be a featured extra? No, I didn't know it would be that small.
I guess that's all I'm good for.
Ky JASON: Hey, Anna, what's with all these claustrophobic interiors? How am I supposed to make this look cinematic? And Andrea's supposed to be having a gradual awakening.
Why is she having sex with a woman on page four? And the real question is, what is this thing about a dildo? BRIAN: So, David Silver is supposed to be a lawyer, but why is he shirtless through most of this? IAN: All right, guys, I think you're all being a little heavy-handed here.
- Well, I - There is potential.
Oh, yeah, right.
Easy for you to say.
You've got a great inspirational monologue on page 31.
Yeah, and an action sequence on page 46.
Right.
You're saving a drowning kid.
- "Abs glistening in the sun.
" - Glistening.
Uh-huh.
- [LAUGHS] - We shoot in two days, people.
So you better make your tweaks and come to some agreements.
All right.
Look, my club's all set up for the kickoff party.
How about we take this thing up there and tune it up? That's not really how I work.
Anna, you're, like, 12.
How do you even know how you work? CHRISTINE: Just get it done.
Okay? There are huge expectations for this reboot.
And miraculously, no one's aware of what a dumpster fire it's been so far.
So let's just try and keep it that way.
[ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES] Hello.
Hi.
JASON: So, here we go.
- 90210 kickoff.
- Mm.
More like a punt.
[CHUCKLES] Or just plain fumble.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY] - We haven't officially met.
- I'm Jason.
- Wyatt.
Pleasure.
My mom was a big fan.
- [CHUCKLES] - His mom.
Tell her she's got excellent taste.
So, you're, uh, Jennie's bodyguard, right? - JENNIE: Yes.
- JASON: Wow.
Arm candy for Jennie.
It's a tough gig, man.
- [CHUCKLES] - I make it fun.
Don't I, Wyatt? Where's Camille? Ah, she's home resting.
First trimester's been tough.
How you doing, Kyler? Featured extra.
That's how.
[ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES] Hey.
No drinking, Kyler.
I'll contravene.
Uh, Jen, probably not my place You're right.
Whatever it is, it isn't.
Kyler's the exact same age you were when we started 90210.
She's strong-willed, hotheaded, looking to rebel.
Mm, yes, well, it must be karma.
Well, she wants to be just like you.
But she doesn't want you to know that.
She's doing a very good job of hiding it.
It's difficult to fail in front of the person you want to be like.
Especially at her age.
You're making a lot of sense.
It's really irritating.
I can't just cut the first act.
Uh, yeah, you can, if it stinks.
Anna, what about all these Donna and David sex scenes? And this scene where Brandon is talking to his kid's teacher.
He's-he's such a lummox.
ANNA: Okay.
This is not helpful.
You guys just need to step outside your individual characters and look at the bigger picture.
Really? Is that how it works? Hey, everybody.
How's it going? JENNIE: Uh, not very good.
Anna is not being very receptive to our ideas on how to fix the script.
ANNA: Okay, well, you guys aren't writers.
And with all due respect, I don't need you to teach me how to do it.
Anna, with all due respect, we know these characters a little bit better than you do.
You know, we did create them.
Uh Can you just write our ideas down? Taking dictation is not exactly my forte.
Neither is writing dialogue.
- [WHISTLES] - Ooh.
Geez.
- [WHISTLES] - [CHUCKLES] Well done, everybody.
You've alienated your writer.
And now you're stuck with a script you don't like.
Okay, l-let me just be clear on behalf of everybody that we're not gonna play our parts unless we have a decent script.
We're not gonna do anything that disrespects the memory of our show.
The fans are gonna be disappointed.
Yeah.
We owe them something great.
CHRISTINE: If I were you, I'd figure out a way to get a script you do like.
Because cameras roll tomorrow, and if you're not there, you'll be fired.
Do we still get paid? - And sued.
- Ooh.
CHRISTINE: And you'll have killed any chance of a reboot, ever.
Why are you lurking here? "Lurking.
" [SIGHS] Look, I just want you to understand where this is all coming from.
Narcissism? Oh, arrested development.
We're all nervous.
We want this to be good.
And I resent the implication that I don't.
- [SIGHS] - So, you know what? Write it yourselves.
Yeah.
We are.
What? I-I mean, you can't be serious.
Okay.
I'm out.
Good luck.
No.
No.
You're letting your emotions overpower your intelligence.
I don't need this gig.
Yeah, you do.
We all do.
This is very important for all of us.
And if you quit, you're just sabotaging yourself.
Look, I can help you.
We can help each other.
Go find some quiet place to collect your thoughts, and keep your phone on.
There is no quiet place in this pretentious temple of white privilege and soullessness.
Here.
My car.
Trust me.
Uh, if Kelly is just going to stand there and cry for the whole thing, then I say we just cut that scene.
- It's just pointless.
- I think they want to do something with postpartum depression, though.
I have one kid She's a teenager.
So we're saying Kelly's had postpartum depression for a decade? I mean, I don't mean to be mean, Gabby, but maybe you could just, like, stick to your own story.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
- [SCOFFS] All we're doing is arguing.
Is it any surprise we don't have one page written yet? Not really surprised when somebody's trying - to control everything.
- Oh, my God, really, Jennie? I mean, I don't know why you're doing this, okay? I'm doing the best I can trying to get everybody on the same page.
I'm gonna take a break.
Dramatic.
That is really pushing my buttons.
Like back on the show, when she always bossed me around, acting like my real mom instead of my TV mom.
Uh, wait, you know she played Andrea, our classmate.
- She did? - Ooh.
Oh.
I've blocked so much of it out.
[SIGHS] [PHONE DINGS] All I'm trying to do is get everybody on the same page.
- I'm gonna take a break.
- Wait.
[TORI SIGHS] So, you want to cross out all of our our sex scenes.
All right, well, I'll try not to take it, uh, personally.
Bri.
[SIGHS] Hey, babe.
Uh, the sitter's getting antsy, and looks like you guys got a lot of work, so I'm gonna take off.
- You're leaving? - Yeah.
I didn't know it was gonna be a work session.
You know how I hate these things.
It's not like I can be of much help.
Yeah, but, like Shay's staying with Brian.
It's not like she's helping, but it's nice.
Good.
Okay.
Good night.
[QUIETLY]: Bye.
So, did you guys get anything done while I was gone? Well, we cut 17 more scenes.
So, yep, and we wrote half a page.
Gab, I'm sorry about before.
I know it's very hard for you to not control everything.
Okay, good.
So we're fine now.
GABRIELLE: No, I actually I, uh I want I want to talk about this.
You know, I was ten years older than you guys, right? I mean, I had a baby, I was breastfeeding, and it was really uncomfortable for me to come on the set.
I just never felt like I fit in, and you you guys were, like, the cool kids.
We weren't cool.
Speak for yourself.
Tor, we were so cool.
All I can say is I was totally freaked out that they were gonna find out my age and I was gonna get fired, and I really Guys, I loved being on the show.
I really I thought it was great, and I-I just wanted you guys to like me, and I'm sorry if I was controlling.
It was me 'cause I wanted to be in control JENNIE: We did like you.
Stop it.
And you weren't controlling.
You were just trying to help.
I mean, like that time you tried to keep me from marrying that drummer with the long hair from the Coconut Teaszer.
- Remember? - Uh, you still married him.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I was an immature brat sometimes.
Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
What are you apologizing for? You didn't do anything.
I don't know.
Uh I'm just sorry.
I'm always sorry.
[JENNIE AND TORI CHUCKLE] Okay, come on, let's hug it out.
Aw.
I hate when we fight, but I love when we make up.
[ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES] Oh, look at that.
- Hugs already.
Nice.
- Oh.
- There she is.
- Nice to see you.
- How are you? - Mm, good.
How was Dakar? - It was illuminating for perspective.
- Yeah? - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
My flight got delayed.
- Come here, you.
Hey, Shannen.
- [SIGHS] Hi, love.
Shan, you made it just in time for a script emergency.
JENNIE: Oh, yes, this script is gonna make you want to jump off the roof.
Ah.
Well, uh, great.
I don't know, maybe it's just the jet lag, but I'm kind of freaked out to be here, right? - Yeah, we all are.
- For sure.
Oh, and you should know that there's a crazy stalker - on the loose.
- [SIGHS] One more time.
Say it one more time.
There's a crazy stalker on the loose.
Yeah, so if we're lucky, we'll all just be killed before we off ourselves.
We're not gonna be killed.
Don't listen to her.
And the script is gonna be fine.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Oh, yeah, you should worry about it.
The network threatened to sue us already, - so, uh, it's good times.
- Yep.
Right.
Uh I-I-I can't do this.
Shan.
- TORI: Oh.
Wait.
- Nice.
What? Did she just quit? She's just being dramatic.
It's in our job description, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
- Can I have a drink? Shannen, where are you? Come on, why are you doing this? WOMAN [RECORDED]: Relax.
Let go.
Release all negativity.
[BIRDS CHIRPING, CHIMES TINKLING OVER RECORDING] Shan.
On the next breath, we will sink even deeper into silent meditation.
Oh, yeah, I tried that app.
It's so annoying.
Enlightenment can be really annoying.
Come on.
Come in, sit down.
[SHANNEN EXHALES] You're not really quitting? Oh.
I mean, you know, there's just so much, like, weird negative energy, and it just kind of hit me that, like, this is for real.
Weird energy.
It's real, yeah.
There's a lot of history here.
It's - Scary.
- Scary.
Yes, and I'm in a place in my life where I'm seeking positive experiences that just sort of fill the soul, you know? Mm, I don't know if you're gonna find that here.
And I know how much this really means to you, but this just might not be the right move for me.
You know, so I think that I have to think about it some more.
Yep, got it.
Totally understand.
But we do start shooting tomorrow, so how much time do you think you need? Maybe, like, a-a few minutes, an hour, two? You know, you can't really rush the universe.
Looks like there's smoke coming out of that laptop.
Thanks for sending over the inspiration.
How is the cast rewrite going? Well, there's a lot of strong opinions.
Oh, I'm aware.
And even stronger cases of A.
D.
D.
Actors.
Go figure.
Hey, now.
Why are you helping me? You're ambitious.
You care about your work.
I like that.
Plus, I'm trying this new thing where I don't make it all about me.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
Now go.
I have to crack this.
Got it.
See you later.
Oh, Kyler, there you are.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I thought you took an Uber home without telling me.
And deprive the driver of the humiliation of you taking pictures of his car, license and face? - I do that because I care.
- Right.
Look, I know you're disappointed, babe.
You should know, Kelly Taylor was not the first acting job I landed.
I had a really tiny part on a show called Growing Pains.
I played Blonde Girl.
What's Growing Pains? It doesn't matter.
I There are gonna be bigger parts, I promise.
You're way more talented than I was at your age.
Although, I did kill it on Growing Pains.
Thanks, Mom.
JENNIE: Mm.
I slashed your tire.
What? Well, just because you're so happy.
With Wyatt.
And if you're not in any danger, then he's gonna leave.
Hmm.
I cannot believe you did that.
You know that's psychotic, right? A little bit, yeah, but, I mean, it's kind of cool, too, right? Mm.
And deceitful.
And manipulative.
Which means you're gonna do just fine in showbiz.
Thanks, Mom.
So, you don't want to have sex with me ever? What? In the script.
Oh.
No, it's-it's not that.
It [SIGHS] It's Nate.
He's being really weird because of our history.
- That's crazy, right? - NATE: Boom! So I go, and I get it.
- And I have a wide open - That is crazy.
- Mm - There he is.
- Speak of the devil.
- Hey, there you are.
- Hey, how are you? - Hey, Shay.
- Hey.
- Brian.
How are you? Hey, babe.
- You're still here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was heading out, and then we bumped into each other.
- Oh.
- She's really cool.
Uh, millions of people would agree with that.
Wait, I'm-I'm still confused - why you hung around.
- She's really funny, don't you think? Like, political, but not in your face with it.
Huge hockey fan, by the way.
Mm.
Yay! You guys connected.
That's great.
I mean, it's just good to meet a celebrity who's not just a celebrity.
You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
What about the sitter? Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on my way now.
I was gonna give Shay my e-mail.
We're talking about doing a playdate with the kids.
- Wha? - See you at home.
Love you.
Ah, Christine, can I talk to you? No.
You should be rewriting.
I wanted to alert you of a small but potential issue.
[SCOFFS] Nope.
I'm all issued out.
Shannen might not do the reboot.
[LAUGHS] [BOTH LAUGHING] I know.
That's so funny.
And I don't think it's gonna happen.
I'm trying to fix it.
Don't try.
Do.
What is this about? High school drama with you girls? Get over it.
All of you.
No.
It's not that.
Well, whatever it is, fix it.
I will if I can.
And if I can't, I was thinking, if we save on one big salary, it'll actually help the budget.
Mm-hmm.
One salary? Try two.
Who else isn't doing the show? Oh, my God, you guys are so naive.
Why do you think it took so long for Shannen's deal to close? Uh, 'cause she had lots of chanting to do - before she signed it? - No.
Because she held out.
She was the last one to sign on, and she knew we were desperate.
She got us to pay her twice what you suckers are gonna make.
Uh, okay, I don't know what's happening here.
GABRIELLE: Oh, is she sleeping? Shan.
- [GASPS] Oh! Sorry.
- Oh, gosh.
Scared the Didn't mean to interrupt your meditation.
SHANNEN: Oh, no, no, no.
I wasn't meditating.
I was listening to, um, My Favorite Murder.
It's this great podcast.
This girl climbed a mountain for you.
I pooped in a hole and then buried it with my own hands for you.
Um, right, okay.
Well, I mean, we all make sacrifices.
Oh, come on, Shannen.
Sacrifices? You come in late, and you get paid twice as much as everybody else.
Okay, first off, my flight was delayed.
Also, I wouldn't hold it against you if you got a better deal than me.
Well, easy for you to say.
You're making more than everybody else.
Listen, Gab, I did not hold it against you when you got your own talk show.
And, Tori, I didn't hold it against you that you were living in a 52,000-square-foot mansion.
56,000.
And, Jennie, I didn't hold it against you that you never got any bad press.
You threw a script at my head.
You yanked my hair out, a clump of it, by the root.
Oh, and the boys had to break it up.
- I don't remember that.
- Yeah.
I was hiding in the dressing rooms.
JENNIE: It was kind of a thing.
[LAUGHING] JENNIE: Come on, the point is, it's 30 years ago.
- We were all babies.
- Now we've grown up.
We can be better.
TORI: Yeah.
I mean, I do kind of miss this.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe we can do it differently this time.
So, you're saying you're in? [SIGHS] I'm saying that we need to fix the script.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
Help us.
Yeah, maybe you can get a script-writing fee, too.
Why didn't I think of that? Oh, please, I'm sure you did.
Hey.
You, uh You okay? You want to get back to writing? Nope.
I am so sick of Ian talking about how Steve Sanders rules the world, and Jason talking about how Brandon has a wife in every single country, and Gabby talking about sexual fluidity.
Ugh.
I-I don't want to think about anyone's sexual fluids.
You can't show that on TV anyway.
[SCOFFS] I'm joking, but it's just [SIGHS] It's best I just stand here and cut my limes before I cut someone tonight.
You want to talk about it before you chop off your finger? So, Nate apparently thinks that all celebrities are vapid and incompetent, especially me.
Hmm.
Did he actually say those words? No.
Tor, uh-uh.
This one's on you.
What do you mean? I mean that, ever since I, uh I met you, you you act like you believe that you don't measure up.
But I think you do.
As a matter of fact, I'd go as far as to say that you're in a league of your own.
[CHUCKLES] Are you saying this because I have a knife in my hand? I am saying this because you have a knife in your hand.
And I'm saying it because it's the truth.
How's that script coming? It's coming.
It's a process.
How you holding up? I thrive on chaos.
No, this may be my Waterloo.
It's not gonna be your Waterloo.
Oh, I hate how hard this is on everybody.
Well, it's all your faces out there.
I know how that feels.
That's why I gave up acting.
I know you know.
I thought that if I became an executive, I would actually be in control of my career.
[BOTH LAUGH] Idiot.
It's hard being a type A control freak and an actor at the same time.
It is all about just letting go.
And making hard decisions.
Well, it can't be any easier to run that union than it is to run this network.
Nope.
It's tough being tough.
Mm-hmm.
Listen, um that weirdness earlier about the date I'm sorry.
I don't usually send, you know, mixed signals, and It-it was so awkward.
It is It's uncharted territory for me.
And I'm scared.
It should be fun and exciting.
[WHIMPERS] [SOFTLY]: I can't.
I'm-I'm not gonna do it until it's right.
And I'm just a little bit [CLICKS TONGUE] too buzzed.
Okay.
JASON: No, no.
No, no, what are you talking about? - One more time.
- What-what do you mean? [INDISTINCT, OVERLAPPING CHATTER] - [SHUSHING] - [CHATTER STOPS] What? Did you tell them? Yes.
You know she can't keep a secret.
Great, so now you're all mad at me.
No, I'm mad at myself for not holding out for more money.
I want you to, uh, negotiate for me next time.
- And I will.
- No.
You know what, Shannen, it's not the '90s.
We're supposed to all be making the same amount of money.
SHANNEN: Uh, I mean, look, yes, I was able to negotiate a more favorable deal.
But I can tell you guys that the money is really badly needed.
Oh, please, cry me a river.
Yeah, Shan, I think we can all find a place to spend a little extra cash these days.
You know, 100% of my salary is going to an organization that-that, um well, it helps orphans in hot zones.
[SIGHS] If your guys' happiness means only half of those kids can get off the streets and be safe, then I-I will totally cut my salary.
- It's up to you.
- Uh, Shan, it's fine.
Keep the money.
Give it to the orphans.
Oh.
Thank you.
[QUIETLY]: How did she just do that? - She's that good.
- Oh.
How's the rewrite going? - Awesome.
- Great.
The new pages are coming along.
It's gonna be great.
I'm not a writer.
I just say this crap.
We're-we're getting there.
We'll, you know - we'll get there.
- Mmh.
What do you got there? My rewrite.
We could read it.
I mean, unless you wanted to read yours.
[SIGHS] Before we begin, I'd like to say again that I'd really appreciate it if you all wait until after we finish the script before you give me any notes.
Okay.
I just have one question.
"Act One.
Interior.
The Peach Pit.
" "Fade out.
End of pilot.
" That was amazing.
Yeah, you really captured the spirit and the essence.
I didn't think you got us, but you do.
It, uh, wasn't very different, but it's a hell of a lot better.
It finally feels real.
You got the characters, the history.
Brava.
Amazing insight into everyone.
How did you do it in so short a time? CHRISTINE: Well, hot damn! We finally have something to shoot tomorrow.
- Whoo! - This demands a celebration.
We got champagne.
- JENNIE: All right.
Whoo! - Oh, my God.
[SIGHS] What's that crap? Where's the good stuff? Hey, what's going on? Kids all right? The kids are fine.
So I had a private investigator look into the song leak.
- Right.
- Brian, it was Joanna after all.
Some fans gave her a huge bribe.
So Zach was right.
I had the private investigator look into him, too.
Look at this.
Uh, I've been watching the show with my mother.
That's weird.
He said that we had never met.
Exactly.
Keep swiping.
That's his apartment, and that's your wallet.
Brian who the hell is this guy? [SIGHS] That was a boring night for you, huh? Just another day at the office.
I need to tell you something about the tire slash.
Kyler did it.
You knew? I'd be a pretty crappy bodyguard if I didn't.
[SIGHS] I think she's more like me than I realize.
Which is mildly terrifying.
- Come on, it's fantastic.
- I don't know about that.
I love it when you get insecure.
I'm not getting insecure.
No, of course not.
My mistake.
Anyway, I've been keeping my eye on you for some time now, and from what I've seen you're pretty incredible.
If you knew about Kyler, why didn't you say anything? I guess I was happy for a reason to stick around.
[SIGHS] I can't get involved with a client.
Okay.
Well, I feel pretty safe.
So, why don't I call Fox tomorrow and have you reassigned? And if you want to stick around, you'll be off the clock.
What are you doing here? It's so late.
I thought you wanted to wait to do it right.
I realized that life was short and that this is right.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] [SIGHS] What was your plan, Zach? Were you gonna come after me? Were you gonna go after Shay? What? No.
No, nothing bad.
N-Never.
I-I swear.
I just wanted to get to know you better.
That doesn't make any sense, Zach.
You're a liar.
You're a stalker.
You're a thief! I'm your son.
Let's go! Let's do this! - Ian.
- Hey.
Thank you for everything.
Now I just have 12 more scripts to write.
Now I just have 12 more scripts to write.
Let me know if you need some help.
I'm good.
But I'm glad I was wrong about you.
Come on, guys, showtime! One of the most important things I've learned is that wherever you are in life is exactly where you're meant to be.
So, bless this mess? Exactement.
- Guess what.
- What? I'm going on a date with Wyatt tonight.
[GASPS] Really? That's great news.
- Guess what.
- What? I'm starting to have feelings for Brian again.
What? What kind of feelings? - Hey.
- Hey, Jay.
Sorry I didn't tell you I wasn't coming home last night.
I guess that means it went well with Christine.
I would say it definitely went well.
Who'd have ever thought we'd go out with the same girl? Indeed.
JASON: What the hell's that supposed to mean? Guys? [ALL GASPING] - [ALARM BELL RINGING] - Wow.
BRIAN: Okay, so someone should probably call 911.
JENNIE: Our set!